Category: Self Awareness

Are You at War with Reality?

8/22/2018

Are you at war with reality? When I first heard this question, posed gently and sincerely by Tara Brach, it stopped me in my tracks. Was I? Are you kidding me?? Of course I was! Who wouldn’t be when they were facing what I was!? Righteous indignation set in. Absolutely, I’m at war with reality! And, I have every right to be! This isn’t what I signed up for!

And so it goes… from the mundane “I don’t want the days to be getting shorter…” to the deeper heartfelt plaintive wail “Nooooo!” that goes along with a life-changing diagnosis or the death of a loved one, there are so many moments when we don’t like what’s happening. We really can’t stand that this is our reality. We desperately want things to be different.

But, this is the way it is right now…

Signs you might be at war with reality

Wondering if you are at war with your reality?

If you find yourself thinking or saying anything like this, you might be at war with reality:
It shouldn’t be…
How did this happen? This isn’t how my kids were raised!
I can’t deal with this!
This person/company/country cannot be doing this…
NO! I refuse to believe it! (that one’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?)

What do you do now?

If you find yourself accepting that you are at war with reality (possibly and probably more often than you know), what do you do?

One of the key principles of mindfulness is to be with what is. Easier said than done, for sure. Yet, when we are able to do so, there is a softening, a tiny relaxing, a teeny sense of ease that sinks in simply because we have let go of resisting.

When we resist, we tighten in order to hold on to something or to brace ourselves against something, and in the tightening and bracing, our unhappiness, struggle, and suffering increases significantly. Not only is this thing going on, but now we’ve added an internal battle against it.

Being with what IS doesn’t mean we have to like it. It simply means that we need to accept that it is indeed here in this moment. From that place, we are able to sit with it, see how it lands in us, and then be in a place where we can more consciously ask the question, “OK, this is happening. Now what?”

I’m not asking you to deny your resistance or denial – that would only complicate things further. Be with your feelings of sadness, anger, fear, or grief. Be with them as long and as often as they arise. That is absolutely part of the practice of being with what’s real. You’re feeling this way – give yourself the space and compassion to be exactly where you are in this moment.

Then lay down the sword that’s fighting whatever has caused you so much angst and lean into your experience. When you face it head on, with the acceptance that it’s here, you are much better prepared for what will come next.

The Practice of RAIN

The mindfulness practice of RAIN: Recognizing, Allowing, Investigating and Nurturing is one I’ve found to be super helpful when facing hard times. Depending on your situation, this might be a very quick practice that yields some comfort right away, or it might require a longer chunk of time or even many rounds to really find any relief.

We are not looking for a quick fix – life doesn’t work that way. We are looking for a practice that will support you as you face the challenges that life inevitably and continually throws our way.

Recognize what is happening and what you’re feeling – “My child just betrayed me. I’m pissed!”

Allow it to be here, just as it is – rather than pushing it away and wishing it weren’t so, make room for the anger, and recognize that your heart truly is able to hold it all.

Investigate – with kindness and curiosity, not mentally, but in your body – where does this anger land? How does it feel? “Ah, my jaw is clenched. My stomach is in a knot. I’m barely breathing.”

Nurture – bring loving compassion to yourself. What do you need in this moment? How can you care for yourself in this state of anger? What kind of loving support do you want right now?

After the RAIN, simply soak it in… allow it to nourish you to your roots. Then, just like plants and flowers do after a real rain, you are able to open up and blossom once again.

Simply by allowing yourself to have the reaction you’re having, taking the time to be with yourself and notice and name what’s going on, to inquire how you might care for yourself or ask for the support you need, you’ve already loosened its grip on you. You’ve given yourself a chance to step into some practices that might actually nurture, nourish, and support you to face this thing that is causing so much despair.

It’s a Practice

Like so many things, it’s a practice. A practice of being aware and being with. Practices ask us to repeat them over and over. Practices allow us to forget them and then to remember, over and over again. A practice isn’t something you do once and check it off of your list.

For more about RAIN, I recommend checking out Tara Brach’s resources here. She has a number of talks, writings, and meditations to deepen into this beautiful self-compassion practice.

Because, when we are at war with reality, we are certainly not being kind or gentle to ourselves. We are struggling within our own experience, and we suffer from this fight.

May today you greet yourself with loving kindness. May you find peace. May you allow your experience to be just as it is. May you live with ease.

Wishing you so much goodness.

I’d love to hear how this lands with you and please share your experiences both of resisting and of allowing. What are your signals that you’re at war with reality and what’s worked to support you in moving through these times?
Please join the conversation below.

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If Not Now...

7/19/2018

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There is a beautiful song by Carrie Newcomer called “If Not Now” that has been playing in my mind a lot lately (and in my car because it’s on my playlist and I love it). I love the way it reassures me that though there may be trouble, we will come together “to make the change we can.” I love how it reminds us that “we may never see this moment or place or time again,” which gives me pause.

It gives me pause because surely we will never see this moment again.

It reminds me once again (because somehow I seem to forget) that really all we have for sure is this moment. What’s already happened is in the past and cannot be changed. What’s to come, we have no idea. Life is plain and simple a series of unknown moments.

“And yet we’ll take the journey, and walk it hand in hand…” (Carrie sings) as we step forward into the next moment. Where that step will take us, we do not know. What will come of the seeds we plant is yet to be determined. And, still we must step and plant, finding faith that our actions and journey matter.

So, what is it that is calling to you right now that you’re putting off or avoiding? Sometimes we feel called to work that our heart knows is right for us but that scares us for one (or many) reasons. There may be causes that you’d like to support if only you knew how. Things you’d like to try but you don’t think you’re young enough, strong enough, or wise enough… If you find yourself feeling scared and excited about the possibility, it’s at least worth exploring.

Is there something you really want to do but you think you can’t until you retire, win the lottery or until the stars align just so? What would it be like if you went ahead and did it now?

Sometimes our stories of how things should beget in our way. When I asked my husband to re-marry me, he thought for a minute and said, “but isn’t it only our 24th?” implying that these types of events typically occur on landmark anniversaries. He’s right, but I wanted that recommitment ceremony then. That was the time we needed something fun to plan for and to look forward to, and we needed to recommit our love to one another within a circle of loved ones. Life had been hard for a long time. There was no reason to put it off for a year waiting for our 25th anniversary. We went ahead and created the event, despite some initial hesitation and concern that we couldn’t find a place or get people to come on a busy day in June. It remains one of the happiest, most meaningful days in our life.

What's Your "If not now...?"

Back to you… Are there relationships that need healing? Love waiting to be expressed? Kindness and compassion being withheld? Trips you long to take but you’re waiting for that one special celebration? A job situation you know is crushing your soul but it feels too hard to change?

I’ve known too many people who put off til tomorrow what they want to do today and then when the long-awaited time comes, they’re too sick or they die before they ever have a chance to experience the joy they were waiting for. Please don’t let this be you.

Two of my favorite mantras are “Why not, why wait?” and “Life is for living now!” I am not suggesting anyone be foolish with their finances or responsibilities, but I am inviting you to seriously think about what you’re putting off. Then ponder what the hesitation is about and see if there’s a way to move toward what you desire. Sincerely ask yourself, “Why not?” and give yourself an honest answer. Weigh out the pros and cons. Play out the scenarios… one where you go ahead and one where you don’t. How do you feel when you’ve said “yes” vs. when you’ve said “no?”

Thoughts? Please share in the comments to let us know what comes up for you in this exploration and if there are any commitments you’re making to yourself right now.

If I can support you through coaching or on a retreat, I’d love to! Check out what's available at Inspired Possibility and let me know if you have any questions.

P. S. Here’s Carrie Newcomer’s song, if you’d like to listen. Maybe now?

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3 Reasons to Retreat

6/10/2018

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There was a day when I didn't know about retreats and how powerful they are and what a critical piece of my well-being they would become I imagine there are others out there who also wonder... who haven't yet discovered the magic of retreat. So, I'd like to share with you just a few great reasons to give yourself the gift of retreat, for however long you may take or in whatever form! What are some of the benefits and why would anyone make the investment of time and energy to retreat for a bit?

1. Get out of routine - there's great value in simply breaking the pattern of everyday life - of taking yourself out of your usual habits and routines. By changing things up, we tap into wonder and curiosity about life. We begin to open to new ideas, insights, and creativity. We open our eyes to new perspectives. We see new possibility that we hadn't considered before. We lighten up, let go, and even have fun!! When you break away from the daily routine, there is nothing to fix or figure out. Your mind can truly rest. Aaahhhh... to me, that alone is worth the price of admission!

2. Slow down - We live in a world where go, go, go, is the norm. Demands are coming fast and furious and we find ourselves pulled in so many directions with no relief in sight. Our pace is unsustainable and our to-do list never-ending. But, we don't know how to stop sometimes. This pace is taking a toll on our health and well-being. When we slow down, we calm our mind and soothe the nervous system. Then we notice the beauty of nature, our own body, people in our world. We have to step off the hamster wheel to be with these sweeter things.

3. Quiet the outer noise - Oh my goodness! There is so much coming at us all the time - news, ads, social media, political banter... it's an endless onslaught of noise, opinions, and provocations. You've noticed that, right? Just taking a media break for a brief period of time is super healing and restorative. Imagine room to breathe without your phone constantly pinging in your ear. Step away and feel the sigh of relief and the sense of peace. In this space we begin to listen to our hearts and souls and hear our own inner guidance.

We don't need more intensity - the world brings plenty of that. We don't need more things to do - we have more activities than we can keep up with already. Retreat is designed to be restorative and nourishing.

Why do you retreat? Please join the conversation in the comments and let us know! Together we grow and learn!

Does retreat sound good to you? If you like this sound of this and would love to join a circle of like-minded women who are ready for a little of this retreat sweetness, join us in the beautiful Poconos at the Himalayan Institute for Coming Home to Yourself: A Women's Renewal Retreat August 10-12.

At my retreats, everything is an invitation. You are free to rest as needed. Explore the 400 gorgeous acres as you commune with nature or give your body some movement among the trees and hills if that's your thing. Gather in our circle around the campfire. Check out a yoga class or meditation session. And, rest into a world of no expectation.

I hold our retreat space as safe and sacred - in this space you need only show up for yourself. You are free to participate in the way that's comfortable for you and you are free to share and listen knowing that this is a zone where these is no advising, no figuring out what anyone else "should" do, and no worry that anyone is going to tell you what you should do. This is a place and space to deepen your connection with yourself and to learn to honor yourself more deeply than ever before.

Questions? Let me know! Know someone who would love this? Please share this with them! And, if you're ready to jump onboard, you can register here!

"A women's retreat springs from and is about stepping out of your ordinary existence to listen and attune to your truest, most authentic self... It is setting apart time to tend the hearth of your inner life, feed your muse, reclaim your dreams." ~ Jennifer Louden, The Women's Retreat Book

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Being There for Yourself

5/23/2018

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Have you ever noticed that we will do ANYTHING for our kids, for our pets, our partner, our parents, our friends… ? You get the gist, right? If someone else needs us, we are there in a heartbeat, willing to do whatever it takes! We give and give. We sacrifice. We go above and beyond. For others. All. The. Time.

And, then something comes up that we’d like to do that costs a significant amount of money, requires a lot of time, or may involve travel away from our family. Our first response isn’t usually an automatic, “I’m in! Sign me up!” It’s hesitation… a pause… maybe even a complete stop and redirect to something more familiar and more comfortable.

I don’t have the time. The kids will need me. I’ve just spent $1000 on my dog’s surgery. We just spent thousands on doctors, sports, camps, counseling, and therapies of all sorts. Are you familiar with this dialogue that runs almost automatically through our heads?

What’s interesting to notice is that we didn’t stop to think for a minute where that money would come from or how we’d find the time for events and appointments for our loved ones. We knew we’d clear the calendar to be there for them – of course. It’s what we do. No question. No doubt. No other option.

Why is it we give so freely, quickly, and easily to everyone but ourselves?

Conditioning: We have been conditioned and taught for as long as we can remember that this is the way to be – when you are a kind, good, nice, and loving person, you are generous. You put others first. You do for others no matter what. It’s the right, honorable, and noble thing to do.

The problem is, we sometimes give and do beyond what’s sustainable. We may fail to even give ourselves the time and space to figure out what would fill us up emotionally, what would support us physically, what would nourish us mentally, and what would nurture us spiritually. We drain our tank and rather than refuel, we just put on our Super Woman cape, take flight, and keep on going.

Betty

Meet Betty – If you look closely at this picture, you can see her strength and determination. Yet, Betty was a woman who learned early in life to downplay her accomplishments, to avoid the limelight, to be everything for everyone, and to not believe in herself. You see, Betty was on track to be the class valedictorian in her high school in the late 1930’s (probably not common for a girl to hold this ranking). But, rather than eagerly prepare to take the stage at graduation, Betty intentionally failed some things so that she would not have to give that speech. She stepped back and let someone else take her place and her moment to shine.

In college, Betty was studying to be a teacher. One professor judged her to be a “shrinking violet,” something that was not desired in the profession. So, she quit college and became a secretary, taking very good care of her male bosses, no doubt.

She married and became the dutiful mother and housewife that she believed she should be, diligently studying and obeying The Good Wife’s Guide (we found this in her belongings after she died!). She cooked, cleaned, baked, hosted dinner parties, and took care of the kids. She ironed everything…including pillowcases and t-shirts!!

Her family’s joy was everything to her. She served her family and In many ways her husband was her master, dictating schedules, chores, etc… She lost touch with her own dreams and needs and withheld her anger, stuffing it in favor of the happy face she was supposed to plaster on. She didn’t complain and was perhaps the kindest, gentlest and most loving women I have ever known.

But she did not value herself. She did not believe in her capabilities or her intelligence.

And, though she should have been rewarded for this, instead she found herself alone to raise a pre-teen after her husband left her for another woman whom he found to be more adventurous and more intellectually stimulating. Despite doing “everything right” and sacrificing herself while giving 110% to her husband and five kids, it still wasn’t good enough. Thankfully, the divorce required her to find the courage to begin to listen to her dreams again, to put herself out there and travel and find a job that she loved and would happily work at into her 70’s!

Betty was my dear mama, and she is one of the main reasons I do the work I do today. I am determined to help women see their value, make themselves a priority, and claim their stake in this life – by choice, not by forced life circumstances.

And though these are different times, I see many Betty's still out there, I feel her shadow alive within me from time to time and I can hear her messages loud and clear– put others first; be nice; take good care of your husband so that he won’t leave you; and keep on doing more because it’s never good enough!

We carry our conditioning strongly within us, and we need support to break free and chart a new course. We need to know that it’s not selfish to take good care of ourselves, to make time for ourselves, and to honor our needs and desires. And, it doesn’t have to be done in a way that’s reactive, angry, or hurtful to anyone else. Done right, it benefits us as well as those we live with and interact with. We need to get to know ourselves well enough that we are able to honor and be our most authentic selves. It is possible! When we do that, the whole world benefits. This is a practice that asks us to revisit it every day, many times a day. Self-care is not self-indulgent… self-care is our lifeline. It’s what sustains us to be able to be kind, loving, and generous from a place of true well-being.

So, next time you find yourself hesitating about taking time, spending money, or making a commitment for yourself and you feel the automatic resistance kick in, I invite you to pause and give yourself permission to go for it.

It's OK to be happy. It's OK to have fun. It's possible to find peace

Being there for yourself...
When you notice you’re feeling drained, exhausted, or resentful, check in… have you been over-giving and over doing, thinking you have to always do more and be more? Then close your eyes, take a few breaths, and sincerely ask the wisest part of your being what you need in that moment. How depleted are you and what will it take to rejuvenate you? What would bring more joy into your life? What would cultivate more peace within? It’s ok to be happy. It’s ok to have fun. It’s possible to find peace. Let’s remember these things and take the oath my teacher, Renee Peterson Trudeau, taught me: “I will not abandon myself!”

How can you care for yourself today? Where will you NOT abandon yourself today?

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Self-Care… Where Everything else Begins

4/12/2018

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I wasn’t introduced to the idea of self-care as a regular, ongoing, sustaining practice until 4 years ago… I was almost 50 years old! That’s a pretty long time to live without having any conscious awareness that it was vitally important to make my own wellbeing a priority.

A long time to go without thinking of self-care as anything other than an occasional massage or pedicure or anything beyond routine maintenance (brushing my teeth, exercising, eating well, or getting a haircut). A very long time to hold the belief that everyone else’s needs were more important than my own.

A long time to believe that self-care was luxurious – only for the rich and famous! Certainly not for someone who was a mom working full-time. Self-care was for those who could afford a spa weekend, a decadent vacation, indulgent time for getting away. Yes, this is honestly the belief I held as I think about it now. Wow!

Thankfully, in 2014 a friend invited me to a retreat with my now dear friend, mentor, and self-proclaimed self-care evangelist, Renee Trudeau. I don’t remember the title of the retreat and had never heard of Renee, but I do remember my heart skipping a beat and my breath catching in my throat as I took in the title of her book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate, and Re-Balance Your Life! Whoa!! So many powerful words in just one title…

Self-Renewal
What the heck is that??

Reclaim
Wait…what?? How is that possible? I’ve been known as my boys’ mom for 20 years now. Do I really have a life of my own out there waiting for me to reclaim it? Ooooohhhh… I wonder what might be out there in that vast unknown territory!

Rejuvenate
Yeah, I get that one, and I definitely need a little infusion of rejuvenation in this worn-out, exhausted body and soul! Sign me up!!

Re-Balance…
Balance?? What’s that? I’ve pretty much been trained and conditioned to believe that I am here for the sole purpose of taking care of others. Making sure my kids are happy, healthy, entertained, and well-socialized. Making sure the program I managed was also happy, healthy, and thriving – that the people who worked for me were taken care of and had the support they needed. Taking care of my mom since I was a teen…

These were pretty novel and foreign concepts that instantly awakened my heart with a deep yearning!

It is not an exaggeration to say that that weekend in January 2014 turned my life around completely, personally and professionally. Sitting in a circle of about 50 women, I saw that only a handful of us even knew it was OK for us to be there. Since then, I have committed my work to supporting others in making self-care part of daily living. We all need it.

Self-care is NOT:
Self-care is NOT one more thing on your to-do list.
Self-care is not something you can accomplish and check off your list!
Self-care is not even something you can master.

Self-care IS:
Self-care IS a practice. A practice that runs counter to our cultural conditioning. To take it on is not easy. To stay with it… even harder. Until you really have worked with it long enough that it’s truly integrated into your life, you cannot know how strongly this practice sustains you. You need to give it a go to see how it can carry you through your darkest times and most difficult struggles.

We, as women, truly believe that we are meant to be able to do it all. You know that old song, “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…” Yeah, yeah, yeah… sure you can! Well, you probably can and you probably have. And, maybe it’s taking a toll on you today! This mindset has done a number on us, pushing us to do more, be more, and give more… endlessly. Even putting our own wellbeing at stake.

A Real-Life Example
Recently a friend (who is a very politically active working single mom of twins!) posted about giving herself the gift of some time off. She caught herself with this stretch of open time – time that could have been a great time to “get a lot done.” Her first response was to chastise herself for “wasting time taking care of herself.” Ouch!

Thankfully, she stopped herself and saw how often she tries to rationalize her self-care, believing she needs to defend it or deserve it in order to have it (after all, she truly does give so much to so many others!). She also realized that she did not need to justify, defend, or deserve it! She saw that self-care does not depend on worth, but that it is a critical need, just like breath. Hallelujah!

Self-care is our Birthright
You see, my friends, self-care is our birthright. It’s our obligation. After all, we’ve been given these bodies and these lives. We are here to make a contribution. If we don’t care for ourselves, who will? If we don’t care for our bodies and lives, how will we be able to show up for anything or anyone else? How can we possibly bring forth our gifts to make the world a better place if we are stressed out and depleted to the max??

It has to begin at home. With us caring for ourselves. Self-care means to know yourself well enough that you know what your needs and desires are.

Self-care is all about honoring yourself, at least as well you honor everyone else in your life, if not better.

Self-care requires time. Time to slow down. Time to quiet the outside noise. Time to be with yourself to listen to the inner wisdom and guidance of your heart, your soul, and your body. Can you imagine time better spent?

The Challenge?
We feel we don’t have time for this one vital piece of life! And yet, you can’t afford to not commit this time to yourself. Your health depends on it. Your joy depends on it. And, your legacy depends on it!

When you give yourself the gift of time and space, you can discern what works for you. You can discover YOUR way of doing things. Where are you called to serve? What is yours to do? What isn’t? What can you let go of that no longer serves or fulfills you? What boundaries do you want to set for your own wellbeing?

Please share with us how this lands for you. What might you try for the next few days or weeks? We’d love to hear your reflection and insight.

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In This Moment...

1/29/2018

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Go ahead, pause, breathe, and check in…
In this moment, what do you notice? What are you feeling, thinking, sensing in your body?

Taking a moment to tune in is one of the best ways to bring yourself into presence.

And bringing ourselves into presence is one of the best ways of stepping out of future worry or past regret. It’s one of the best ways to find peace that has nothing to do with anyone or anything outside of yourself.

“In this moment…” is a phrase that has supported me when I otherwise might slip into agitation or concern about something beyond my control. Perhaps “in this moment” has let me see that, in reality, there is very little within my control after all. But, in this moment, I can notice and appreciate what’s here. And let go of what’s out there, beyond my immediate reality.

“In this moment” has supported me and allowed me to surrender… to allow or acknowledge what is really happening rather than slipping into resistance or “it shouldn’t be this way!” (click here if you’d like to see my humorously sideways look at the idea of surrender). Only after I acknowledge what is true can I decide whether there is an action for me to take or not. It allows me to begin to choose how to act or respond accordingly.

“In this moment” deepens my gratitude practice. For example, even when there’s a storm raging outside, in this moment, I take the time to notice and appreciate that I am in a warm house with the love of my life, we are safe and sound, and I can breathe in gratitude for that. Even if there are a million things on my to-do list tugging at me (which there invariably are), if I’m at yoga class I can bring myself back to my practice and appreciate that I am taking the time to strengthen and care for myself.

Even when things are not be going the way I want in my life, I can pause and appreciate what’s here. I can almost always find something to be grateful for, no matter how much distress I’m in.

“In this moment” also allows me to focus on what’s before me right now. What task do I need to complete? (for me right now it’s writing this blog to get out to you!) One thing at a time… no multitasking. Being with what needs my full attention right now. Maybe making a note or two in my calendar for next things that I will get to when their time comes.

How might “in this moment” support you? Give it a try and let us know.

Pause – breathe – bring yourself into presence… what is truly here right now?

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Are You at War with Reality?

If Not Now...

3 Reasons to Retreat

Being There for Yourself

Self-Care… Where Everything else Begins

In This Moment...

About me...

Archives

Categories

Are You at War with Reality?

If Not Now...

3 Reasons to Retreat

​Being There for Yourself

Self-Care… Where Everything else Begins

In This Moment...

About me...

Archives

Categories

Being There for Yourself