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But, How Are YOU?

1/25/2023

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On a recent visit with my son in the hospital, taking in how serious things were, I did not hide my concern. It showed in the frown on my face and in the tears just waiting to be released. I held his hand and gazed at him…

He didn’t want to talk much about it, because he gets tired of so much focus on him and it.  So, he asked me, “How are you?”  “Concerned,” I answered, not wanting to dodge the seriousness of this time. 

“But, how are YOU?”  he pressed. OK, I'll play.  How AM I? 

It’s a great question, because of course how he is affects how I am, AND it’s not the whole of me.  It’s not my only answer.  At times (and these crises are some of those times), I am more consumed with him and his life than I’d like to be.  It can overshadow my life and take up most of my energy.  At times.  But not all the time. This reminds me of a piece I wrote years ago, “Can You Be OK Even When “Things” Aren’t?” 

So, I appreciated his invitation to reflect on myself.  To check in… I don’t know.  How am I?  How’s my body, mind, heart and soul?  It reminded me where I end and he begins.  I don’t have to morph into his (or anyone else’s) reality.  I get to have my own experience of life.  In this moment, we’re both ok.  That’s all I really know along with knowing I have no idea how long that will last. 

Since then, I’ve noticed how quickly my answer to this question changes.  Within any given 24 hours, my reality is vastly different from moment to moment.  Life moves and shifts and morphs constantly, and it’s up to me whether I keep myself stuck in any given place for longer than I need.  Sometimes when things come at us fast and furious, piling up one after the other, it doesn’t feel like a choice.  And maybe it isn’t in those times.  Maybe then all we can do is get through, somehow, to the other side. 

This morning as I write and consider this simple yet complex question of how I am, I’ll say, I’m tired.  I didn’t sleep well because I was too busy beating myself up for a good bit of the last 18 hours.  My stomach feels queasy.  My head aches because my brain has been way to busy mulling over, and over, and over the events I got myself caught up in yesterday.  I’m pissed at myself for ignoring (no, steam-rollering over) my intuition and gut as they screamed at me, “This isn’t right.  It makes no sense.”  I did it anyway. 

The “what” in this case has nothing to do with my son.  What it is isn’t important - let’s just say it’s one of those things that causes me to feel so many things… all bundled up in a big old ball of shame, embarrassment (I definitely should have known better), and self-flagellation.  Mired in the shitty shame spiral. 

I’m working to move through it.  What’s done is done.  I’ve done what I can to clean up the mess and try to prevent any further problems.  Turning toward what I did and taking responsibility was definitely step one.  It’s still bugging me.  I find I need to keep on talking myself through this.  Reminding myself.  That’s over.  You’ve done what you can, and now you just need to wait and see how it plays out.  There’s nothing more to do right now.  You, as much as anyone else, deserves your kindness and forgiveness.  Last night I offered myself a loving kindness blessing for peace, happiness, safety, health, and ease.  Then I inhaled “breathe in sleep” and exhaled “breathe out stress…” I guess it worked, at least for awhile - until I woke up again too early and my mind kicked into its incessant spin. 

This thing I did robbed me of too much time and energy yesterday.  I really don’t want it to continue weighing me down and interfering with things I need to and want to do.  I didn’t even do the dishes last night after being on a 100% roll for the past week.  When things like that start to slip, I know I’m in too deep to some kind of something that I need to get out of.  And I know that I’m the only one who can set me free.   

Why is it so hard to be kind, compassionate, and forgiving with ourselves?  Why do we latch onto these things that we’ve done wrong, tempted to have them forever define us as “a terrible person” or someone who never gets anything right?  Why do I have these struggles? I don’t know if you do or not! 

Today I get to choose.  Do I keep spinning and swimming in the muck, or do I continue to notice the bad feeling when it rises back up and move forward anyway?  I am choosing - to journal as a way to process all of this, to take a bath and try to imagine this ick washing down the drain, to sing some supportive songs, to go for a walk with my husband and talk about other things, to get on Zoom and write with my co-writing friends. I choose time to practice Tai Chi for Recovery with the amazing, Theresa Knorr - it's a great time to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can!  Also, Tai Chi always helps me move emotions and energy and helps me to get grounded!  These choices are acts of self-kindness and self-compassion.  They let me know that I am going to show up for myself even when I am really not happy with me.  I don’t need to pile on punishment.  It really doesn’t help in any way.   
 

I choose to reassure my sister, who was deeper in the muck than I was, and encourage her to not let it steal any more of her joy either.  We’re human.  We make mistakes.  It was a big one.  But, no one died.  It’s fixable. And, at the same time, as I talk it through with her trying to help clean up more of the mess, I'm shaking.  The shock is still living inside my body.  We've beeen shaken by this scam... and it's hard to trust anyone or anything right now.  It feels like danger is lurking around every corner.  

What I’ve learned from all of this:

 #1 Do NOT override that inner knowing for anyone’s outside voice, no matter how much they plead.  Do not. 

#2 Slow things down and think it through before I act.  Talk it through with someone I trust if I’m not sure. 

#3 Do not get caught up in the seeming urgency of anything.  Unless there’s blood, fire, or someone is turning blue, there are few things that require immediate action - especially if they don’t make sense. 

#4 Do not act in a state of confusion.  Pause.  Walk away.  Breathe (we need that oxygen for intelligent thinking!).  Regroup.  Reground.  Come back and choose from a grounded place.  Will I still make mistakes or get things wrong?  Of course!  But, probably not in things like this. 

#5 When I F up, face it, deal with it, forgive myself (or at least consider forgiving myself), and move on.  Don’t let it continue to burden me unnecessarily for longer than needed. 

#6 Be kind to myself in all of this.  What would I say to someone I love who’s in my shoes right now?  Offer that same grace, gentleness, and compassion to me.  Remember my messy humanness, my predictable imperfection. 

#7 Let myself move through it, get over it.  It’s just one (very problematic and annoying) moment in the grand scheme of this life.  Look at all I’ve gotten through in the past.  I can get through this too.  In many ways, this is nothing! It will be ok.  Somehow it will be ok. 

#8 Remember how quickly things change.  Internally and externally.  This too will pass.  It’s passing even now, if I let it. 

#9 Call in Enchantment… ask her what more she has to offer me right now.  Here’s what she had to say, “Oh, baby girl, you can bring in gentleness, kindness, and care - always.  When you fall into beating yourself up, stop. Remember that.  Don’t let it spiral into 1500 things you’ve done wrong or let it make you a globally terrible person.  Just own the mistake, name the shame, regret, and anger you feel.  Let it move through you.  You don’t have to continue to carry it or let it darken one more moment.  Let it go.  Move on.  I love you. 

So, I ask you… How are YOU?  How do you deal with these moments in your life?  Or am I the only one who knows what I’m talking about?  If so, thanks for indulging me!  If not, I would love to hear how you get yourself through these tough times.  

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Reflections and Intentions

1/7/2023

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Looking back and looking ahead.  It’s that time of year.  Though it’s really just the turning of a page on the calendar, there is a collective energy around the New Year that we might as well get on board with.  For me it’s not about resolutions (they simply don’t work for most people).  It’s not about goals, because despite being a coach, the language of goal-setting has never resonated for me.  I am much more about reflection, vision, intention, mindful, thoughtfulness as well as opening to possibility, allowing what will come to be revealed. 

To look back on 2022, I have to take out my calendar.  I can barely remember what I did yesterday, so to think back to last January is a stretch.  One thing I know for sure is that last January/February I was immersed in a grief so strong it swallowed me whole.  On Christmas Eve 2021, one of my closest friends of all time, Mary Lally, died.  The grief that rushed in was similar to what I felt after losing my mom.  Except this time, I had the time and space to really let myself feel it… to be with it… to see how it moved me and moved through me.  It was intense, and it’s not over.  Grief doesn’t end.  It just changes and surprises us from time to time with its energy.  (read Good Grief, Gratitude, and Grace or Swimming in the Messy Stages of Grief if you want to see what was brewing in me then)

2022 was a year of Heart Evolution, Heart Revolution.  My heart opened.  My heart shut down.  My heart exploded in many different ways.  I am forever changed.  (my second post about Heart Revolution is here)

What I intended to but didn’t do…
Recently I saw a post from Cheryl Strayed that shook me in a beautiful way. She had been transcribing her journals and came across a list from 10 years ago - a list of 10 things she had intended to do, but hadn’t in the prior year.  What a fascinating reflection!  In the midst of so much celebration and acknowledgment of “this year’s highlights,”  I don’t know that I have ever seen anyone take the time to notice and call out what they didn’t do. 

So, I decided to play with this in my own way, which includes a bit of what I did do instead…  I didn’t do this, but I did do this… or an inquiry into what the not doing shows me about myself.  What might I learn or discover as I look at these things without judgment, just seeing them as truthful observations. 

So, I’d love to share a bit of this with you and invite you into your own reflection and inquiry. 

I didn’t lose the 10 pounds that I sometimes say I need to.  But I did gain 10.  I went up a size or two, and have been grappling with whether this really matters to me or not (and if it does, why?)   What do these numbers represent to me?  Why do I care? Does it matter that I added an X to my L?  Does it change who I am or the value I bring to the world?  Do I care or is that just part of the story I’ve bought into and told myself?  How might I learn to love the body I have at this phase of life, appreciating what it has done for me over all these decades?  I am learning to move with flesh I am not used to having, getting to know the body that is mine in this time of life.  This isn’t an exploration I’m finished with or comfortable with by any means.  I’m still in the thick of it (no pun intended) trying to figure out what’s really true for me.  I wrote a bit about this during my April A to Z Blog challenge (my theme was Question (Almost) Everything - Bodies, Bumps, and Bulges, Oh My!)

I didn’t finish writing my second book, a companion for families in recovery from the effects of a loved one’s substance use.  I wanted to have this done by Spring, before our lives would change in a significant way and I feared I’d lose the time, energy, or maybe even mindset to keep writing. 

I did, however, decide to slow it down with the process so that I can write the best book I possibly can at this time.  This feels really good and right.  This book deserves that level of care.  I have also taken moves to step all in to life as a writer, first and foremost.  It’s scary and exciting and wonderful all at once.  This book inspires me.  My writing supports and fulfills me.  It feels like the main way I want to serve right now. 

I didn’t get to see Brandi Carlile at Red Rocks, even though I had put the dates on my planner as if that would somehow magically solidify that we could get tickets.  We couldn’t.  And, it’s ok.  Maybe it’s better to hold on to the epic memories of our 2021 trip rather than trying to repeat it.  Maybe I’m justifying not being able to get tickets (or at least not being willing to pay the resale price). 

I DID add in a lot more live music and choose to add in more fun with friends as a priority.  We went to see Dar Williams locally, we joined the Avett Brothers in Chautauqua for the rocking-est show I’ve ever seen them perform in a space that seemed to have them billed as folk.  We did get to see Brandi at Woodstock and in Madison Square Garden.  I cherish these special times with Tom and with the friends who join us for our road trips!!  We even got a personalized Christmas video from BJ Barham from American Aquarium, thanks to our friends, Jenny and Bill!  That was fun!  I’m finding epic moments come in many shapes and sizes - not always what we have planned or think we would like, but there they are!   

I did not continue on with Soul Care, a group I’ve been offering in some form or another for the past 8 years.  This was a tough decision because I loved this program and the women who have gathered in it.  In many ways, it got me through the toughest parts of the pandemic as we amped up to weekly calls just to have that extra space of authentic, open-hearted connection.  But it was time for a change.  This move taught me what it means to have an integral ending, to allow space for goodbyes and all the feelings they bring, to allow for sadness and disappointment and do it anyway, because it’s time. 

I did not spend the summer boating on our lake, pausing often to rest on the waves and just hang out and read.  In fact, what we did do was sell our boat right before the 4th of July holiday weekend… nothing I would have expected.  As we often do, we got swept up in a spontaneous decision and let it go.  It fell into the realm of several things this year: “If it’s more hassle than it’s worth, let it go.”  The bi-annual maintenance, finding someone to help us launch and take out every year, finding someone to wrap it for the winter… and just not using it as often as we’d like, often feeling the burden of it looking up at us on a on a nice day, feeling like we “should” go out…  that’s not the energy we are looking to hold onto.  And so, we let it go.  It was a surprise and a relief. 

On our final spin around the lake, I cried, as I felt both the gratitude for having fulfilled this lifelong yearning of mine to own a ski boat and the longing to keep it, “just in case…,”  and I let myself feel the sadness, the gratitude, the joy of that moment itself, and the relief of unburdening one more thing calling for our limited time and energy.    

I didn’t bathe in grief all year long, I didn’t curl up into a ball and disappear, despite any number of reasons I could have.  I did allow the grief to come (did I really have a choice?) and go as it did.  I immersed in it and let it take me over.  I worked with practices and practitioners to help me in moments of intensity.  I wrote about it.  I nurtured myself the best I could and I allowed others to support me.  And I continue to meet these moments as gently as I can, accepting what is the best I can, bringing love and compassion with me. 

Some other reflections to play with:
I surprised myself with
I learned ___ about myself
I noticed
I let go of
I welcomed in
I returned to
Fresh perspectives I’ve gained or considered
I fell in love with
I was supported by
I supported
I discovered (or it discovered me)
How do I want to feel in 2023? 

What do I want to breathe life into this year?  (Ooohhh, thank you, Abby Wambach for that one!  You can hear the We Can Do Hard Things podcast on this theme of reflection here)
Is there a word that might support me, at least for the first quarter?  (I’m considering the possibility of having multiple words this year… not entirely sure yet, but I know they will make themselves known to me in time!)
All of this leads me to step into 2023 with

Your turn…   Pause.  Lovingly, gently, with compassion, look back on this past year.  Feel into the coming year.  What do you notice as you reflect on your year?  What you didn’t and did do?  What you’ve learned and how you’d like to move forward into 2023 a little more intentionally?  

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!!    

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com