Inspired Possibility Blog

K is for Kindness

4/13/2022

What could I possibly question about kindness? Well, if you know me or you’ve been reading along, you’ll know that surely there are many things I can question about anything, even kindness! 2+ pages of notes about it poured in today, so there will likely be more writing about it in the future, but this one I’ll keep brief. So, for today’s #AtoZChallenge, here we go!!

Kindness… especially in a world that feels so turbulent and divided, is it enough? Does it matter? What is it? How is it related to and different from compassion, empathy, and love? And, maybe even why bother? We may feel it’s too late for that and that we’re way past the point where kindness matters. But, are we?

I don’t think so! And yet, with climate crisis looming, war raging, Covid still here and perhaps spiking again, overdose deaths at an all-time high, division and injustice in too many spaces to name, kindness might sound like a feeble, impotent, inadequate thing. I almost dare not write about this in a world that is raging.

“Kindness.. are you serious?” I imagine someone scoffing.

“Yes, kindness,” I say. What if kindness is exactly the medicine we need right now? Can you imagine what it would be like if each person in the world took time to offer just one act of kindness each day? That would be 7.9 BILLION acts of kindness! Don’t you think that might just change the world?

Even “small” acts of kindness and tenderness can have a great impact and ripple out in ways we will never know. That extra tip you left the waitress? Who knows what that will do. The smile or kind word you offered that stranger… who knows…? The adult who took the time to ask the “disruptive” child what was going on, and really listened? They may have just changed that child’s world by taking the time to see and hear the person beneath the behavior.

Kindness need not be complicated, expensive, or fancy. And, here’s a place where “Just do it!” is good advice! Make the call. Send the text. Write the card. Hand over a few bucks without expectation. Share a cookie.

What causes and issues speak to your heart? What’s meaningful to you? Kindness does not have to be a grand gesture – it can happen in your home, neighborhood, school, or community. It matters. You can’t save the whole world, but you can bring kindness to your tiny corner, one act at a time.

Kindness
by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

This is a poem I need to sit with to even try to understand…
You can take a listen to Krista Tippett’s interview with Naomi Shihab Nye here – it’s beautiful.

Here are a few places where you can dip into kindness and be part of a kindness wave:
Random Acts of Kindness
More Love Letters
Kindagious, founded by my friend, Jennifer Jines who is a mighty kindness ambassador – they even have free e-cards on the site! Who could you send one to today?
You Matter Marathon

And a little music to support you as you sit with kindness…
Michael Franti & Spearhead I’m On Your Side
Simon & Garfunkel Bridge Over Troubled Water

My invitation to you today…
Sometimes we don't share kindness because we're afraid we might get it wrong or it might feel awkward. So, I invite you to take a risk and offer a kindness to a stranger or a friend. Be willing to say the wrong words or offer the wrong action, but be willing to get it wrong from a heart-centered place, with pure intention, and care, and do it anyway. If you’re feeling burned out or depleted, then begin with yourself – offer yourself some TLC. And let’s see if the world gets a little brighter.

Here's a little music to support and inspire you!

How do you offer kindness? Please share so that we can gather some new ideas and try them out ourselves!

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Mindful Self-Compassion - A Practice Worth Practicing

10/19/2021

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Mindful self-compassion may be one of the most important practices we can bring into our lives. Thankfully, for some reason self-compassion has been rising up repeatedly lately. I can be as harsh and judgmental with myself as anyone and can find myself wallowing in stories, stuck in “what I've done wrong,” “what I could have done differently,” or what I'm embarrassed or ashamed by. So I have been grateful to reconnect with the teachings of self-compassion which I first learned years ago in a workshop with Kristin Neff and Chris Germer, pioneers in the field. As I learned from them, there are three elements that make up self-compassion.

3 Elements of Mindful Self-Compassion:
1. Self-kindness - rather than ignoring our pain or beating ourselves up, we offer gentleness and the same tender loving care we would offer someone we love. We recognize that we are imperfect beings and allow for mistakes, failings, and flaws. We lovingly acknowledge the pain and suffering; rather than pushing it away or making it wrong, we offer comfort and nurturing.

2. Mindfulness - a way of being that allows us to be with our thoughts, feelings, and experiences without exaggerating or diminishing them, and without over-reacting or over-identifying with them. We maintain a little more objectivity as we become observers of this present moment. From a mindful place we are better able to respond rather than spin out in reactivity. We remember that we are not our feelings, we are not our actions, and we are most definitely not our stories. From this place we can see and be with what's here.

3. Common Humanity - We remember that all humans suffer and that others have felt the same way that we are feeling in a moment of pain. This alleviates the otherwise strong sense of isolation that says “I am the only one who's ever felt this way…” We remember the inherent messiness of life and of being human and we may feel a little less alone. Suffering is part of our shared human experience.

I've enjoyed several podcasts with Kristin Neff in the past couple of weeks (one that I liked for its simplicity was with Dan Harris on Ten Percent Happier). Through these talks I have been reminded that self-compassion is called for when there is suffering - it is a means to alleviate suffering. Not by letting ourselves off the hook or by excusing things we've done, but rather by acknowledging our humanity, which is messy and imperfect, and by offering compassion to that part of us that is hurting. We acknowledge the pain and suffering - we don't push it away. We see what has happened for what it is, without minimizing or exaggerating it.

Who Benefits from Self-Compassion?
Everyone benefits from self-compassion...those who practice it and those who are around them because it truly carries a positive ripple with it.

People who are especially sensitive, who feel deeply, care deeply, love with all their hearts, and walk around with an open heart, giving perhaps more than they have to give can especially benefit from these practices. Caregivers, helpers, nurturers, perfectionists. These are the people who carry the weight of the world, who feel responsible for everyone and everything, and who often forget to put their own care at the forefront. They could really use a good dose of self-compassion.

Why Practice Mindful Self-Compassion?
This isn't some life hack or a box to check - this is a deep practice to bring more compassion and healing to yourself, and therefore to those you love and to the world. The ripple potential is great. This is a genuine act of self-care, self-love, self-kindness which supports us in being more caring, loving, and kind in general.

What's interesting is that the more we practice self-compassion, the more we take responsibility for our actions. The more we are able to apologize. The more likely we are to forgive ourselves. We get unstuck because we have met ourselves with an open heart, letting go of the unfair and unrealistic expectation of perfection. We don't need to armor up to protect ourselves or lash out in defense. When we offer self-compassion we actually become more compassionate with others.

When do we need self-compassion?
Every day! Every time we feel a regret or we are hurting, self-compassion is available to us. Whether you've spilled soup on your favorite jacket (or person), forgotten a friend's birthday, missed a deadline, or did something to hurt someone else. When someone has hurt you. When you've received a scary diagnosis or you're terrified for someone you love. When a loved one has died or you're afraid they will. When you feel guilty or ashamed, when you wish you had known better or handled that interaction differently, it's time to gently acknowledge your human-ness and bring in some tender loving care. The medicine for all the woulda, coulda, shoulda's is mindful self-compassion.

As you can see the entry points of pain sit on a spectrum from what might feel mundane to what is clearly very severe. This isn't about comparing your pain to anyone else's (if you do, bring in some self-compassion). Your pain is yours regardless of how severe it is. If it hurts, tend to it. If it hurts a lot, tend to it a lot, and compassionately get some support.

How do we practice mindful self-compassion?
As in practicing self-care, begin by pausing and tuning in. Acknowledge what you are feeling, perhaps as you offer yourself a compassionate touch or gesture. Placing a hand on your heart, giving yourself a gentle hug, holding your own hand, or stroking your arm are all forms of compassionate touch - which one feels soothing and natural to you?

Say silently to yourself, "This is a moment of pain or suffering" (find the word that resonates and feels true in this moment). I feel _______ (angry, sad, scared, disappointed, hurt...)" whatever it is, name it. Here is where you become the observer or witness to your experience. You are with it, but it doesn't define or consume you. You are the person feeling the pain. You are not the pain or emotion.

Sit with yourself and allow yourself to feel it. Breathe as you do. Where do you feel it in your body? Often you might notice a sensation in your heart, gut, throat, shoulders, or jaw. Where do you feel it in your body in this moment?

Ask what this part of you needs to feel loved, comforted, nurtured. Offer that loving, nurturing, comforting care to yourself in the form of thoughts or touch. Remember the element of common humanity. You are not alone in your suffering. We all suffer - this is part of being human.

The practice of RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture) is one that might support you in these moments. Tara Brach has many guided meditations, talks, and articles about RAIN if you would like to deepen your understanding and practice.

Where can you practice mindful self-compassion?
Really, anywhere, any time. This doesn't need to be a long, drawn-out, complicated practice. It can happen quickly, with a pause of a few breaths. It can happen in a meeting, in a crowded airport, in the middle of a conversation. It can happen with other people around or you might choose to make it a more extended practice when you have more time to be alone. Perhaps you take yourself to a special place in nature and allow the trees, rocks, water, and fresh air to support you. Or maybe you have a special room that feels soothing - go there and allow yourself all the time you need.

Your invitation…
How and where can you bring in a little more gentleness with yourself? Offer yourself self-compassion and grace? Remember your humanity? What might it be like to be less judgmental, less reactive, and to feel less alone in your moments of pain? What would it be like to stop beating yourself up and to trust that you've done the best you can?

What benefits do you imagine or know arise out of practicing self-compassion?

You do not have to go it alone or only practice self-compassion. It is a great act of care and compassion to seek support... from friends, family, coaches, support groups, doctors, or counselors. Please reach out for help when what you're facing is too much to face alone. Not sure where to begin reaching out? Maybe one of the resources here will be a good starting point.

What might the world be like if we each treated ourselves a little more kindly? I'd love to find out!

Resources for you
Kristin Neff's self-compassion website has a ton of resources, guided practices, and a self-assessment you can take if you'd like to get a sense of your current state of self-compassion.

This week's guided meditation is “Practicing with Self-Compassion.” Give yourself the gift of a few minutes to sit with yourself as you are for this practice. May it nourish and support you.

Also, on my Resources Page, you can find many free supports, including many for self-compassion, mindfulness, grief, and substance use disorder.

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Our Need for R.E.S.T...

7/13/2021

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Coming back from a couple of days away with my husband, Tom, I am reminded how vital REST is to our spirits, bodies, minds, hearts, and nervous systems. While we were away our only goals were to rest, relax, have fun, and flow with our days.

Yesterday I spent the day reading, writing, and relaxing by the pool – dipping in when the sun got too hot, getting in the shade when I needed a break from the sun, and talking and laughing with Tom. We were lighthearted and delighted by the simplicity of the day. We did not allow work or phones to interrupt our time. We consciously chose to take this time together to enjoy life and one another. Summer is a great and easy time to do this as it seems to lend itself to it – there’s a collective energy of play, vacation, and lightness.

On our drive home we listened to a podcast with Broadway sensation, Lin-Manuel Miranda, a wildly creative man! He shared that much of his inspiration for his shows came when he was in a relaxed state – floating in a pool or on vacation. Of course, there’s much hard work involved in bringing what he creates to life, but there is also an opening for creativity that happens when he is in a state of rest.

I have experienced this myself and witnessed it in others – it may look like we’re procrastinating or not creating because there isn’t yet anything to show the world. But, in reality, when we slow down and give ourselves some spaciousness, our mind is free to dream, to imagine, to visualize and we are open to receive bursts of insight, inspiration, and artistry. Percolation time is a necessary precursor (at least for some of us) for spurts of creativity.

It struck me that we all have a deep need for rest, for so many reasons. As a society we are often rest-deprived, placing value on busy-ness and productivity over this restorative space that can feel like nothing is happening. What we miss is that often, something important is still going on even though there isn’t outer evidence or product to show. When we have time and space, we can access fresh perspectives for problem solving, and our imagination can dream up things that wouldn’t be possible if we forced them. When our nervous system can relax, we are not in a state of fight or flight, but rather receptivity, wonder, and openness. We are more likely to respond more thoughtfully than react mindlessly.

I offer you this way to look at REST:
R – Re-boot
E – Exit
S – Space
T – Time

Re-boot: Just as your computer or phone can get bogged down or frozen and needs to be powered down and then re-started, we too need periodic re-boots. Without taking a break, we become overly reactive, spinning (just like that annoying circle on your computer), going nowhere. Our nerves are frayed, we’re depleted and drained. We need to interrupt this spinning by stepping back from the habitual pace at which we move and the typical things we mindlessly do. We need to power down, unplug - choose to give ourselves an intentional break to refresh, rejuvenate, re-fuel, re-energize (so many great R words… I could go on forever, but I’ll spare you! You can add your own). This allows us to start up again with renewed energy, fresh perspective, a lighter heart.

Exit – Like a performer, sometimes we need to “exit stage left” from the center of our lives where all the activity is happening. Get out of the spotlight, step behind the curtain, take off the costume, mask, and makeup and just BE. Whether you step away for 3 minutes, 3 days, or 3 weeks, an intentional exit will give you a chance to re-boot.

Space – We need space in our lives – physical space, space in our schedule, distance from one another and time between activities. I was highly aware of this on our drive. I want several car lengths between me and the car ahead of me; I want to change lanes well before I need to make a turn and in a time when it’s safe to get over.

This tendency transfers to life for me. I don’t want to be squeezed into a tight space where I have to react without thinking, to feel pushed or rushed. In traffic or in daily life, these scenarios make me anxious. It’s easy to fill our schedules so tightly with calls or meetings that there is no room between meetings for a bathroom or meal break or even time to do the actual work. It’s even easier to fill our schedules so that there is no time available for the mini reboots (a quick walk outdoors, a conversation with a friend, a breath of fresh air or a day off), and we begin to feel an internal pressure of constraint and overwhelm. We need breathing room in our days in order to think clearly, be inspired or creative, show up to life’s challenges at the top of our game (or at least closer to it).

Time – We need time… time alone, time to move more slowly, time to breathe, time to connect and time to reflect. This goes very closely with space, as you can see. We need to allow ourselves more time than we think we need to get places and finish tasks!! How many of you are overly optimistic when it comes to those kinds of things? When we give ourselves time, we create the space which allows us to exit or step aside for a moment or more in order to re-boot.

How do you know when you need a REST?

What are your signals when it’s time for you to give yourself this critical R.E.S.T.? How does your body let you know? Your mind? Your heart? Your spirit? Learn to listen more closely for these internal signals so that you can respond with self-compassion and kindness. We want to be proactive in creating this time of R.E.S.T so that we don’t find ourselves “resting” with a headache, illness, or injury.

Taking time to re-boot, exit, and allow space and time will have a ripple effect! Not only do you benefit – the people in your life will thank you too! Give it a try and please let us know your thoughts and experiences here. How do you like to give yourself R.E.S.T.? What happens when you don’t? What’s your promise to yourself in terms of honoring this need in the next little while?

In need of a R.E.S.T? Join me on retreat...

If you're in need of some serious rest, please consider joining me, Sandra Sabene, and Carol Moon for this year's Let Your Light Shine Retreat, September 24-28th at the deeply restorative space that is Light on the Hill Retreat Center in the gorgeous Finger Lakes of Western NY! We have created this time to allow you lots of space and time to let down, to connect with your inner wisdom and inspiration, to renew and be deeply nourished physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! Early bird registration closes July 31st!

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What Would Love Do?

4/13/2021

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Each morning I set an intention for my day…a quality that I invite in to support me throughout the day. A guidepost that I can touch back in with when I remember.
One of my favorite and most powerful intentions is Love. It allows me to check in with it throughout the day, asking, “What would Love do?” before I react to a situation or sink into a particular story I'm telling myself.

Asking What would Love do? allows us to tune into the quality of love as a guiding force. Love reminds us to be gentle with ourselves and others, to act kindly and with compassion, remembering that we're all doing the best we can in this moment.

What does Love do?
Love listens…
Love sees you and hears you
Love comforts a hurting heart
Love softens loneliness
Love sits with a hurting friend without any need to fix or advise
Love gives from a generous place, without expectation
Love fills us up
Love sets boundaries that are clear but not harsh
Love says “yes” or “no” without apology
Love cultivates trust
Love cuddles the dog
Love patiently sets aside the to-do list and chooses to be present with another
Love puts the phone away
Love smiles at a stranger, holds a door, and lets the anxious driver cut in
Love feeds the birds
Love slows down to notice the beauty
Love appreciates what's here

What else??

I invite you to try it out today. When you find yourself reacting, pause… ask yourself, “What would Love do?” and notice how it changes your interactions, your perceptions, your perspective, and your day. Let us know by sharing in the comments!

The meditation I am sharing this week is one called “What Would Love Do?” I invite you to enjoy this practice as we begin by first extending this love to ourselves.

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Lessons Learned from My Mom...

11/1/2020

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This time of year marks the anniversary of my mom’s passing. It’s been 17 years now, and I have been reflecting on the life and love I was blessed to share with her while she was here. I thought it would break me to lose her, and it didn’t. I still feel her with me, even now. She lives on in my heart.

My mother was a beautiful blend of sweetness, gentleness, kindness, shyness, humility, feigned incompetence, and fierce fiery grit. This woman would helplessly ask me to change her clock time or her lightbulb, but she faced cancer like a warrior woman!

Here are just a few of the lessons I learned from my dear mother:

Do not collapse when you think you can’t go on – You are stronger than you think!
When my dad left her for another woman after 32 years in an era when a woman’s only job was to devote her entire life and being to her family, she did not collapse. Facing unwanted independence in her early 50’s, she showed up for herself. She hadn’t worked since her 20’s, but she launched herself into temp work that ultimately led her to a position in our local library that she held onto into her early 70’s because she loved it so much.

Kindness is the way to go. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
When a waitress was particularly gruff, rather than getting upset about how badly we were being treated, Mom brought in gentleness, understanding and compassion… offering “Maybe she just broke up with her boyfriend…”

Don’t bear a grudge – forgive and bring loving compassion to people and situations, even when it doesn’t seem reasonable
After my parents’ divorce, she never spoke unkindly about my dad and encouraged us to be involved with him. She found a way to forgive, I guess. I don’t think she had a bitter bone in her body, but rather gave people grace, compassion, and loving kindness.

Flow with what life brings your way
I always knew I would lose my mother too early in my life – she was 44 when she had me, after all. I was undoubtedly an accident (ultimately a happy one, I believe) after my parents adopted my oldest brother when it seemed they couldn’t have kids, and subsequently gave birth to 4 more. It had been 10 years since a baby had been in the home and my sister was deathly ill. I don’t know how my mom did it, but somehow, she created a loving home for one more. She opened her arms to a baby, tended to her daughter in the hospital, cared for the others, and pulled it all together – finding a way to clean the house, cook the meals, bake the cookies, and love on us as if we were all that mattered. She was the epitome of a good mother!

Be free!! Enjoy this life.
When I was 12, my dad left us, having found a woman who he thought better matched his intellectual and adventurous tendencies. While devastating in some ways, this also deepened the richness of my life with my mom and our opportunities to live our own adventurous life! I was the only one at home, so we bonded together and began to travel the world – we ate out more often, we laughed more often, we found things we enjoyed doing together, and we became best friends. We made it through, and we made it through in style, choosing to live rather than crumple into a defeated puddle. St. Croix, Disney, Texas, Arizona, and cruises called to us, and we said “Yes!” Summers were spent at our cottage in the Finger Lakes, playing cards, savoring root beer floats, entertaining friends and family, and basking in the beauty and peace of this place that mom had bought with her own money.

Don’t be fooled by the soft veneer – underneath a mighty giant lies in wait to awaken when she is called
When Mom was 72, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent treatment involving surgery, radiation, and medication. Grateful to live nearby I was able to support this modest woman with wound care, meals, home care, and rides. She went on to beat this cancer and found remission. She lived life and enjoyed her family, friends, work, music, theater, and travel. Cancer was not going to stop her.

Persevere in the face of adversity
6 years later, a new cancer came, likely a result of the medication she had taken for the breast cancer. She stayed with us post-surgery and my family and I were able to support her through recovery, and the ongoing chemo. She loved her medical team and even seemed to look forward to her chemo days. She did all that she could to beat this disease so that she could continue to thrive.

When the choice is life, choose it!
For nearly three decades she had shown me what it could be like to live life fully, and she wasn’t about to stop now. She made the decision to leave the home she had lived in for about 20 years to move into a senior living facility in order to have community and support. Moving is always a big transition, but she handled it with grace and ease. She enjoyed meeting new people and sharing activities and meals with them.

When it’s time to go, go in your own way.
On the day before her death, my sister and I (having no idea that the end was so near) visited with her, cleaned her apartment, ironed her clothes and got things in order. I think this mattered a lot in the sense that things were “tidied up.” She had hurt herself in a fall over a week before and was in a good deal of pain, food no longer tasted good and that was a big loss for my mom – she loved to enjoy her food!

I don’t even know why, but I asked her if she sometimes wished she could just die, and she acknowledged that yes, she did. I suspect there was an unspoken permission to go in that conversation. She told the nurse that night that she wished she could just close her eyes and drift away… this seems to be exactly what she did. They found her the next morning, “unconscious and unresponsive.”

And, though it wasn’t the end I envisioned, because I strongly wanted to be with her by her side as she passed, I realize she would never have wanted that. She loved us but would not have wanted to distress us with her final breaths. I find comfort in witnessing how much choice she seemed to have in the timing of her departure – before the cancer that was invading her belly took over and things got really miserable. She went at the exact age she had always told me “seemed like a good age to die.” She had lived a full, rich, and loving life, and she was ready to be done.

Love transcends time and space.
I still feel her here with me, breathing through me, inside of me, emanating out, supporting me as I move through my life. I know she walks with me, loves me, and looks over us all. I can lean into her soft and gentle embrace (I can still feel how gloriously smooth, warm, and soft her skin was). I can remember her tender look and feel. I am softened by her sweetness. I thought it would kill me to lose her. It hasn’t. It has added to my will to live, and I will be forever grateful for that!

I love you and miss you every day, Mama Bear!! Thank you for being my mother and my best friend!

p.s. a few more lessons that might have supported me and might serve you well:
Baking soothes the soul (as do the smell and taste of fresh-baked bread, cookies, and cake!)!!
There’s always time and room for “a little something” (her version of a shared sweet treat)
Live well, laugh often, love deeply!
Wishing you a little something sweet this week!!

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The Invitation and Gift of This Day

4/19/2020

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I have been given this life and this day… let me not waste it on worry, fear, or dismay. Let me greet it as the gift it is and use it wisely – not feeding panic, anger, or judgment. Let me walk gently upon this earth, among these people, bringing love, kindness, and compassion. Let me take all of our well-being as a serious concern and act accordingly. Let me take care of myself, my family, and our home in a way that honors us and all beings. Let me be prepared – but not unreasonably so.
Let me take care of our needs without taking more than I need, leaving others with none.

The time for injustice, inequity, and inequality is over. The time to love and care for one another, for all beings, for the earth is here. Now. How will I respond to this moment? How will we, as a people, respond to this moment in time? How will we stay awake and not return to the mind-numb reality we have been in for far too long?

We can no longer be reckless with our lives, believing we exist as separate from others. No. We have been shown the depth and vastness of our coexistence and interdependence. There is a gift in that if we only remember. If only we respond wisely.

Now is not a time for folly or fight. Now is the time for us to come together, to rise together, to be better than we were before… not by possessing more or earning more or even doing more, but by caring more, by respecting one another more, by loving more. By choosing to look. To see. To respond to the devastation, we have caused to our earth, to our people, to all beings. We have to be brave enough to look and to see. And, then from there, choose and act.

We must not forget when this time seems to be over. We must allow ourselves to be changed in the best possible way by the devastation and destruction of today so that it has not been for naught. There is a gift in this day, and there is an invitation. How will we respond?

What thoughts or insights does this bring up for you? Please share in the comments.

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Go Gently... Please

4/3/2020

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Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

Now is a time to go gently with yourself and with others.   Now is the time for love, for generosity, for kindness and compassion – toward all beings, including you! It is the time to care deeply. It is NOT the time to judge, shame, or condemn others. I see the temptation and suspect it’s going to get stronger as we grow more impatient, frustrated, and weary. And so, I plead with you, please, please be gentle…

March 11th, just a little over 3 weeks ago, marks the day our world changed forever. It was not long ago at all and yet it feels like a lifetime ago… we got the call that morning telling us that the mighty Mom Klein had died. We visited our son (2 days before visits were shut down for the foreseeable future), grateful we could deliver this news in person and share our tears, love, and hugs. I went out to lunch with my sister at a local restaurant and enjoyed a nice meal, and probably another hug or two.

March 12th – with a growing sense of things quickly spinning into something unknown and foreign, I did a radio show with Lori and Keith from Recovery Coach University Radio. With a heightened sense of awareness, we did wipe all the equipment and surfaces with Clorox wipes and mostly kept our distance, but we didn’t yet get how serious this was. We joked about the toilet paper hoarding and shook our heads in confusion… and just to be safe, on the way home, I bought two packs. We affirmed and were relieved by my younger son’s decision to cancel his trip to Florida for Spring Break, even though he is young and healthy… already it felt like the unquestionably right call. Just days earlier I had told him I thought they’d be fine to go…

Things were changing and happening so rapidly and have been ever since. I feel like I’ve been caught in a whirlwind… internally and externally. A blur of news updates, of emails advising of extra precautions being taken which rapidly morphed into “We are closed until further notice…” Cancellations, closures, schools switching to online learning,… more and more erasures in the planner of all the trips, appointments, and events I had coming up. April went from one in which I would barely be home to one in which I will only be home, with no plans. Each day brings with it a swirl of thoughts and feelings as I try to magically predict when this will all be over, fall into despair, perk up at a story of goodness – living within the chaos of it all.

It’s a lot. We must be gentle.

There has been so much letting go… of classes, appointments, events, routines, regular support, fun times with others, contact with loved ones. And, in all this letting go, we are all feeling the weight of uncertainty. Those words “until further notice” land with a dark and ominous tone. They remind us that life is always uncertain – we just usually pretend it isn’t. Somehow it feels extra uncertain right now with so many things being disrupted all at once. The fear is palpable as this invisible antagonist sweeps around the world. As we take in the death tolls, we are faced with our own immortality and the truth that one day those we love will also die. We hope it won’t be alone.

We are ordered to shelter in place, to self-quarantine, or to PAUSE as our NY Governor has called it. For a moment we imagine all that we’ll get done in this time when busy-ness is taken away. But then we feel the weight of it all, and we are reminded of how exhausted we are and that stress takes a toll on everything. We are brought to our knees as we are forced to confront what is truly essential. To re-prioritize our lives – what really matters? Health. Relationships. Life. Love. Kindness. Compassion. Generosity.

All these free offerings?? They are oh so tempting to someone with Bright Shiny Object Syndrome, like moi! The urge to fill in all that usually coveted white space is strong, and I catch myself mindlessly signing up, saying “yes, please distract me from the here and now…” Nature abhors a vacuum, and apparently so do I. Until I reality check and realize my bandwidth is not as wide as my white space – it’s actually much, much less than before.

I remember to be gentle with myself.

I don’t need to do all the things – only those that will really nourish me. I only need to be on the calls with people and in groups that feel supportive. I can skip the rest. This might not be the time to learn a new skill or to focus on business. This might be a time when less really is more. I want to do more less!

Over the past few weeks it has been easy to let this ever-present concern consume us. It’s been easy to get obsessed even when we didn’t intend to. Even if you don’t watch the news (which I don’t generally), the news is everywhere…social media posts, headlines of breaking news at the top of my email inbox and within every single email that comes in it’s there… Coronavirus… COVID-19. We need to be informed, but we don't need to be flooded with input. It's too much to digest.

We see the inherent inter-connectedness of all beings and this both terrifies and empowers us. We are reminded that viruses don’t respect borders, oceans, or walls.

We find ourselves reeling as we ride the roller coaster of emotions in this human experience – feeling our own and the collective fear, overwhelm, sadness, dread, and grief while also being uplifted and inspired by the many acts of compassion, caring, kindness, love, and generosity. This time bringing out the best and the worst in us.

It’s a lot.

We come to realize that we are feeling more tired and less productive than we’d like – not an easy thing to accept in a culture used to driving, doing, achieving, producing, succeeding…   Suddenly we wonder what “succeeding” even means right now.

Now we realize that it’s nearly impossible to find motivation or create from a space of exhaustion and anxiety. So, we surrender to Netflix bingeing, earlier bedtimes, and longer nights of sleep.

This is our new normal, and it’s anything but “normal.” It changes moment by moment, and the only reasonable way to approach it is one moment at a time.

We feel the weirdness of endless disinfecting and keeping our hands from touching our faces. We feel the creepiness in the air as masked figures move together, but apart, averting gazes (as if we won’t really be there if we don’t look at one another), collectively holding our breath – together, but apart.

And we're reminded that in the empty streets what feels like the end of the world is also a reflection of our great act of love, our care and concern for others, our desire to be part of the solution.

It’s. A. LOT!

So, please… go gently into this next day. Into this next moment.

Take breaks – a lot of breaks. Get more rest than feels reasonable.

Offer tender loving care to your sweet self.

Say “yes” to the things that make you happy.

Bake the familiar goodies that comforted you as a child (Betty Crocker Blueberry Buckle for me today!).

Wear clothes and jewelry that feel good. Maybe wear things from places you’ve loved or concerts you’ve enjoyed (today I’m wearing my Albuquerque sweatshirt to mark that I should have been arriving there this afternoon).

Hug a tree. I’m pretty sure that’s still a safe thing to do!

Offer a loving smile to a stranger. Call a friend.

Extend love and compassion freely, often, and wherever you can, beginning with yourself.

Know that we will get through this.

Please.

Go gently… until further notice.

How are you going gently these days?? Please share in the comments below. We can learn from you.

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Sitting with Sadness

7/24/2019

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I woke up feeling super sad the other morning...and I don't really know why. As I journaled with the grey rain falling down around me, the tears came, and I just let them. As the day went on, I also spiraled into moments of frustration, anger, self-doubt, self-judgment - basically a messy stew of ickiness that I really don't like sitting in! As I made up stories about why I was feeling this way, I knew they were just that - stories made up by me that weren't grounded in reality, but just a reflection of how shitty I was feeling, wanting to be able to place the blame somewhere, wanting to somehow make sense of this...

Sitting with sadness…
Can you sit with it? Of course, you can, but who wants to? I find myself having many other preferred feelings and an acute desire to jump out of my own skin and beyond the sadness into whatever’s next! Anything is better than this lonely empty place. Sometimes even anger is a welcome relief, simply to break up the dull ache.

And yet, if I can sit with my sadness when it’s here, this is part of coming home to myself. With love, with honesty, with kindness and compassion, and with integrity. With tears, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, with all of my doubts and worries. This IS self-care – the part we don’t often talk about.

When I can consciously sit with my sadness, I allow myself to sink into the feeling in my body – is it warm, heavy, tingly, spiky? I let go of pretending that everything is fine. I let the tears flow. I let go of the forced smile.

I let go of the things I do to avoid feeling the sadness – you know, filling up my time with busy tasks, getting lost in social media hoping to find some true connection (oh, honey… this is not where you’ll find that!), housing that pint of Haagen Das (it really doesn’t even taste good), sleeping longer than I need to, or distracting myself basically in any way possible.

Filling the Void...
We all have our ways of seeking to fill that void. Brené Brown talks about it as numbing and Jennifer Louden names these are our “shadow comforts.” These things that we do take us away from the uncomfortable feeling. They may even appear to be good choices at times, but they don’t really fill us up or nourish us. In fact, they usually take us away from the things that truly would.

And yet, all of this is part of being human. We all go through these times, and it can be hard to know what to do with it. I was talking with my friend, Mary, about this and she shared an experience of sitting with one of her young students whose feelings had been hurt. She offered him this choice... did he want her to give him strategies to feel better or just let him be sad for as long as he needed to? He chose to just feel sad... for about 5 minutes bawled his eyes out while she sat with him and gave him all the space he needed to feel exactly what he was feeling. Then he was done. Ready to move on. What a gift Mary gave this little boy. Too often we rush to find the "feel good" feeling again and skip over this part of our humanity.  Too often we try to make others feel better rather than just sitting with them.

You are Not Alone...
Does it suck? Yup. Does it mean there’s something wrong with you? Not necessarily. Are you alone when you're in this place? No. It sure felt that way to me that morning, and yet in reality, I was not. I found a couple of friends who have the ability to sit with me in my messiness and hear all of the dark thoughts that creep into my mind. I cried. I remembered we all have these days.  I didn’t beat myself up too terribly much for being in that state. Too often we add to the suffering by getting upset with ourselves for being upset!

So, the next time you find yourself swamped by sadness, whether it’s expected or not, whether it makes sense or not, give yourself the grace of being a human being who feels. I invite you to allow yourself the time to gently be with yourself and allow yourself to feel into it, rather than trying to push it down or away. Be with yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feels – it is oh, so natural. Give yourself the grace to get the support you need – reach out to a friend, get to a counselor, ask for help and allow yourself to receive it.   You don’t have to go it alone…

And, if this is more than a passing sadness, but something that is taking you down and out of your life, please seek professional help. Here are some resources to get you started: National Institute of Mental Health.

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You are NOT the Energizer Bunny®!

12/2/2016

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Dear One,
I have news for you… and, this might come as a shock, but you are NOT the Energizer Bunny®! No, you are not a mass of fuzziness wearing cool shades, banging aimlessly on a drum while spinning and whirling recklessly around the house.

Sure, you may feel that way from time to time, but it’s not the truth. And, this whole idea of “Keep going” is doing you no good!

There is no battery in you that can go and go and go for thousands of hours without stop. You are not a mechanical being – you are a tender human BEing who needs rest and nourishment, fun, laughter, and play.

I thought this might be a good time to remind you as the hustle and bustle of the holidays piles on top of the media assault on our senses. In the midst of all this bombardment is a sweet (and, yes, very strong, but not invincible) YOU!

You – the one who is so good at giving to others, doing for others, taking on the world… you are the one they seek now with endless requests and demands for your precious time, energy, and resources. Please give more. Please give to me. Please take care of me and my needs. Please speak up for this cause. Please donate over here. Please, please, please… You hear it ringing in your ears, even when you sleep!

And, so you give. And you give as if there is a bottomless reservoir from which to pour. You forget to step back and take even just a little time to replenish your beautiful self. The spark will burn out – maybe it already has, and you’re feeling strung out, burned out, and just a wee bit overwhelmed. Maybe you’re just plain tired.

“But, but, but… “ you protest because you have so many goals to achieve before the year is done; so many gifts to buy; so many causes to support; so many cookies to bake; so many cards to write; so many parties to attend… You know the drill!

Can you just give yourself a break from all the DOing and sink into your BEing-ness? Can you slow down for just a minute, take a breath, and check in to see what would really nourish you? Cause, guess what? It’s not cheese puffs, beer, and pumpkin pie that are going to sustain you!! I’ve tried that, and it is not cutting it!!

What can you do to give to yourself in this busy time? Do you even hear your own voice calling to you amidst all the noise? What would truly nurture your body, mind, heart, and soul right now? Today? It can be very simple, but first you have to stop. Stop everything else. Quiet the outside racket, and listen to your body. Listen to your heart. Close your eyes. Put your hand on your heart or your belly. Breathe. And, ask your heart, body, and spirit...
~ What do they need from you in this moment? Today?

Other great guiding questions are:
~ What is most important or what really matters? (is it a getting a tree right now at all costs, or is it more important that we do this as a family at a time when we can all do it with joy?)
~ What will bring me joy?
~ What would be life-enriching for me?

And, then choose just one simple step to take that will really honor your beautiful self. And, then do it again later today, and tomorrow until this becomes a practice that is a natural part of your life!

It could be as simple as stepping outside and getting some fresh air, moving in a way that truly brings you joy, eating food that fills your body with nourishment and sustenance, connecting with someone who lifts you up and makes you laugh, checking out and taking yourself to a movie mid-day, taking a short horizontal break, getting to a yoga or kick your butt and sweat like crazy class, sitting with your sweet pet and soaking in their love while letting their warmth soothe you, reading a novel, writing a poem, singing a song and dancing with total abandon…

What ideas come to you when you really take the time to ask? Please share them below so that we can add to our own bucket of resources.

Every single one of us needs and deserves this time for self-nurturing and rejuvenation!

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Kindness Is a Practice

12/18/2015

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I was reminded recently by my yoga teacher, Amy Jo, that kindness is a practice, something to cultivate. Merriam-Webster defines practice as “the activity of doing something again and again in order to become better at it." We need to work at being kind in order to get better at it. What a concept! Kindness doesn’t just come naturally, but it’s something we actually need to be intentional about.

Furthermore, the foundation for kindness comes when we practice being kind to ourselves. It is not selfish to take time to be loving and kind with yourself, but rather wise and critical. We can’t give anything to anyone else that we don’t have within ourselves. We can’t expect to show up in the world offering kindness to others if we are continually beating ourselves up. We also can’t expect to create a ripple of love if we continually come from a place of anger or fear.

I noticed what happened when I jumped in to defend my son from someone who was upsetting him. Filled with anger, I began to call that person names and attack back, even though the person wasn’t here. I watched and felt the ugliness brew inside me and then ripple outward to everything and everyone around me. It infected my attitude so that I was interacting with grumpiness to anyone within striking range – both of my sons, and my poor husband who was only just waking up.

After I took my younger son to school, he exited the car quickly without his usual “I love you. Have a nice day,” and my first response was, “What’s wrong with you??” Then I realized it wasn’t him at all. It was me. He was merely mirroring my energy back to me, and he was trying to save himself by getting away as quickly as possible. Who could blame him?

Thankfully, yoga was an hour later, so very quickly I was brought back to my senses and sent on my way to lead a better rest of the day. We began with a discussion of loving kindness and then practiced a brief loving kindness meditation at the beginning and end of class. It reminded me of the practice I learned earlier this year in a Mindful Self-Compasssion workshop with Christopher Germer and Kristin Neff*.

Throughout yoga class we were encouraged to offer ourselves and our class mates kindness and gentleness as we moved through the various poses. Instead of beating myself up if I wobbled or skipped a pose, I was able to lovingly be there for myself and honor what was right for me today. I also sweetly appreciated the beauty of a well-executed pose by someone else. No judgment. No criticism. No comparison. So powerful.

If we want to create a kinder, more peaceful world, we must begin with ourselves and with those closest to us. We must cultivate this practice of being kind, gentle, and loving on a regular basis and from a place of inner peace, we can silently and anonymously send it out to anyone, anywhere in the world.

If you would like to be part of a kinder world, I invite you to try this today – begin with yourself and offer a simple meditation, such as, “May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live with ease.” Repeat these phrases (or come up with whatever words resonate with you) over and over at your own comfortable pace for just a few moments and notice what you feel inside. As you go through life’s happenings, when you find yourself feeling frustrated or upset with yourself, step back and again offer a phrase or two that you really need to hear to bring you back to peace.

Then take this show on the road - practice sending this silent offering to others. It’s a little easier to begin with someone you really love, someone who makes you smile, or someone who has shown you great kindness. However, with practice you will find yourself offering loving kindness to strangers who bump into you in the grocery store, drivers who cut you off in traffic, and even people who hurt you or your loved ones.

When we come from love and compassion, then we have the power to change not only our own lives but the world at large.

Thanks to Amy Jo at Bodhi Tree Yoga for offering this teaching to her classes and thereby touching the world with a little more love, kindness, and grace.

*you can get more information and free downloadable meditations at their websites by following these links

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K is for Kindness

Mindful Self-Compassion - A Practice Worth Practicing

Our Need for R.E.S.T...

What Would Love Do?

Lessons Learned from My Mom...

The Invitation and Gift of This Day

Go Gently... Please

Sitting with Sadness

You are NOT the Energizer Bunny®!

Kindness Is a Practice

About me...

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