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Anger & Fear

2/15/2025

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​“Anger is sadness’s bodyguard,” Paul Denniston said recently in a Grief Yoga® class.  I heard it.  It stayed with me.  And, in my mind, it became, “anger is fear’s bodyguard.”  As someone who has always been afraid of anger and what might blow up if it was unleashed, I’m wondering if maybe I’m even more afraid of the tender bits of fear and sadness. 

I can see now I was angry with Nate so often because I was too afraid to feel my fear.  What would I have had to feel if I had softened and removed the protective armor of anger?  Would I become weak, at risk?  As a toddler, I had big temper tantrums.  I’ve had a few as an adult too – when they come it’s always out of a place of feeling trapped, wanting to jump out of my skin.  When I was a kid, none of the “negative” emotions were allowed.  I could only hold them for so long before things blew up.  At other times I’ve experienced depression - maybe an implosion from emotions stuffed away for too long?

Fear and sadness are vulnerable, exposing.  It’s risky to express them or even give them voice in my own mind.  Sometimes I withhold my sadness and fear for fear of infecting others, which leaves me carrying the weight alone.  That sucks!  And so, I’m likely to try to talk myself out of those feelings.  Which I know isn’t helpful or healthy. 

One of the things I love about my meditation practice is its inclusivity.  As we sit with our breath, we don’t push anything away.  Thoughts come and go, sometimes taking us with them until we wake up and bring ourselves back to the breath.  Emotions move through, but nothing needs to be denied, ignored, or pushed away.  In welcoming them all, they have room to breathe and space to be.  They don’t need to escalate to get our attention.  As we relax with them a bit, they too relax. 

In my grief I’ve become far more comfortable with sadness because I know it’s understandable, rational.  No one’s going to tell me I’m crazy for feeling sad.  My son died, for heaven’s sake! 

But fear?  Seems like lots of people want to question my fear or tell me I’m being ridiculous, I’ve been lied to, it’s not going to be as bad as I think… As those messages trickle in, a little voice inside of me joins in.  Self-doubt arises, despite the evidence I have that my fear is warranted. 

Fear needs a place to express – to not be gaslit into oblivion!  Can we gaslight ourselves?  Seems we can. 

Fear is real and reasonable.  Please spare me the “False Evidence Appearing Real” bypass!  It’s deeply offensive when people are facing indisputable threats to their well-being. 

Fear tells us to pay attention – to check things out.  To be discerning.  It’s a built-in survival mechanism that alerts us when something is “off.” 

Maybe if we turned toward our fear and befriended it, it ‘ll visit at times and take a rest at times, leaving us alone to rest.  If we push it away, ignore it, or slam the door in its tender little face, it only grows stronger and nags more.  It’s here.  It’s part of me and for the rest of my life, it will show up at different times in varying ways. 

When I deny my fear, it comes out sideways, in snarky comments, or bigger blasts of rage. 

Fear is tender.  It needs tender care and gentle respect.  I’ve never thought so compassionately about this bit of me I’d rather not have. 

Don’t talk yourself out of fear too quickly.  Sit with it and ask what it wants you to know. (*Please take care of yourself as you consider making this inquiry.  If you find yourself getting more agitated or traumatized, find someone to talk it through with - a counselor or trusted friend who can provide a safe space).  If it feels ok and safe enough, go ahead and explore: 
If fear runs away with you (as it is very good at!), keep it in healthy dialogue:
  • Is that really true?  If it is, is there an action I can take so I don’t feel helpless?
  • Do I know without a doubt how this will end?  I cannot know, so I can breathe with that truth.
  • What’s true in this moment, right here?  Can I ground myself into this present moment?  I can, because I’ve found ways to do this all my life, despite fearful things near and far. ​

Is it wrong to take this time to sit and get to know your fear?  No!  It’s medicine that helps calm your being so you can continue to be, first and foremost.  Maybe so you could be helpful in some way when the time is right – you’re not helpful when you’re running around in a panic.  We need our energy for when the panic meets us at the door so we can face it then.  Until the moment when action must be taken, let’s foster the energy reserves.  Get to know this part of ourselves so it doesn’t catch us off guard or leave us vulnerable to those who prey upon our fear. 

What if we were to not silence, dismiss, or push away our fear?  What if, for a bit, we didn’t cover it over with anger?  Don’t get me wrong – the anger is also warranted and has information for us, but for now I’m curious about peeling it back to see what’s underneath.  My guess is you’ll find your anger rises out of deep caring, and you’re worried or terrified for yourself, for loved ones, or for people you don’t even know.  For our planet and all of its inhabitants.  For the future we’re leaving our children and grandchildren. 

So, I admit I’m scared.  I’m too tired to pretend to be strong all the time (and p.s., even strong people get scared).  I don’t need to be strong all the time.  I can’t be.  We often think being fearless means we can’t feel afraid or that somehow, we miraculously have no fear, when in reality, courage is feeling the fear and showing up anyway.  I think probably we’re stronger when we allow our humanness to be exposed.  Vulnerability can connect us.  So, I admit I’m feeling scared these days.  The particulars of my fear aren’t the point. 
​ 
If you’re scared too, can we just sit together, hold one another for a while?  We won’t cower away forever, but can we just give ourselves a little respite of honesty and be afraid together?  Because we’re not wrong to feel this fear, and maybe it won’t consume us if we can sit with it every now and again.  Shall we give it a try?  Somehow sensing “me too” leaves me feeling a little less alone and gives me the courage to go on.  
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Living Well within the Mess

11/20/2024

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PicturePhoto by Gantas Vaičiulėnas: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-person-standing-on-grass-field-during-golden-hour-3550518/
Never have I put more hours into a single post than this one.  Why?  Because I want to be thoughtful and respectful and not offer you any simplistic suggestions to an unbelievably complex reality.  Because I vacillate between wanting to tell you everything I’ve learned that might be helpful and feeling like I have nothing of value to say.  Because my grief is heavy right now. 

I could just walk away and stay silent, but somehow, I feel called to write, to offer something in this post-election time.  My hopes were strong for a different outcome and I’d enjoyed the relief of riding a wave of possibility for the past few months. The shock hit me hard and I’ve been mostly numb for the past 2 weeks.  I’ve felt the familiarity of living within unknown chaos and deep grief over the loss of hope and the loss of the future I had imagined. 

This is why I am choosing to write and share what I can.  I do know how to live in an ungrounded mess. It may not be the election that’s upset you, and this post is meant to address different painful and challenging situations. 

Let me begin by assuring you that I am not going to tell you to “get over it,” “put your big girl panties on,” “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” “just focus on what’s good,” “just shake it off” or any other nonsense.

Be real with where you are right now.  Allow your feelings, thoughts, confusion… just honor where you are without needing to deny it, push past it, or get over it.  Don’t pretend to be any different than you are.  I honor that with you, witnessing how my own real-life experience changes day by day, and moment by moment, sometimes in unexpected and startling ways.  What I write is for you and also for me.  I write to remember and to discover what’s true and what’s possible. 
  
Along with honoring whatever is true in this moment, I’m also going to share what I’ve learned is possible, even in terribly devastating times.  I share to invite you to consider that it is possible to find a way back to yourself, back to some sense of ground, even in super ungrounded times.  It is possible to have moments of feeling a sense of aliveness, a tiny spark that calls you forward. 

I’ve lost myself in the past 2 weeks – meaning I’ve let forces outside of me and outside of my control drag me down and steal my energy, inspiration, and motivation.  I’ve found myself going through the motions, zombie-like, and I’ve let myself swim in the dark waters of fear and despair.  And that’s ok.  I don’t like it, but it’s ok, because it’s what is here. 

This feeling isn’t new for me.  I’ve lost myself many, many times over the years of my life – particularly in dark and heavy times of fear and struggle.  The disconnect can sneak in gradually over time or wallop me out of the blue, catching me off-guard and unprepared.  Maybe there’s no way to prepare for ground-shaking news. 

Maybe you’ve experienced this too – something shakes your world and suddenly you’re gone.  Swirling in the chaos and confusion, unable to find ground.  If you’re like me, you may alternate between looking outward - grasping for someone to give you the answer or show you the way – and diving inward, hiding away in a cocoon of isolation.  Despair may loom if things feel bleak and uncertain. 

Humans are conditioned to be alert for danger – it’s in our DNA.  We are programmed to survive, and so we constantly scan for what’s wrong, what’s scary, what feels dangerous.  The world feels chaotic and confusing right now, and there are many unknowns before us.  Our minds hate not knowing. 

And, of course, the unpopular truth is the future is always uncertain and unpromised.  We cannot know how things will go.  Sometimes we’re pleasantly surprised when our worries go unanswered.  Other times we’re crushed when the unthinkable happens. 

The mind constantly makes up stories of what is true and what is coming based on what it knows from past experience.  This is how the mind works.  It can only draw on what it knows.  It forgets that more is possible. In fear its focus is extremely narrow.  The mind carries us on a path paved with stories and beliefs.  The path may be helpful or it may add to our despair. 

I’m amazed at how different my waking thoughts can be from day to day.  On any given day, I may awaken with dread, neutrality, or joy, and it’s not always connected to what lies ahead or what happened before I went to sleep.

Several days ago I was extremely grateful to wake with a momentary glimpse into the connection between what has supported and sustained me for the past couple of decades and the outer chaos many of us are experiencing today.  That was the genesis of this blog.  Since then, I’ve cycled in and out of inspiration, energy, depletion, and apocalyptic fear. 

I do know calm and sanity begin within – they can’t be gifted to me by the outside world.  I don’t know how long it will take for me to find the ground that offers any level of calm or sanity, but I must find the ground before I can hope to be much good to anyone else.  Before I am ready to fight or advocate for better conditions, before I can hope to have any sort of positive impact or influence, I need space and time to think clearly. 

If I’m spinning in a spiral of doom, that Is not the place from which to create or engage.   That’s the time to hit pause, go within, tend to my tender heart and soul, and feel all the feels.  That’s the time to build awareness of what’s going on in me.  Only when I feel strong enough, do I want to step into action. 

Is this helping or hurting? 
I have to look honestly at my thoughts and actions to see if I’m contributing to my own misery.  If I am, what can I do differently? 

I need to remember that I get to choose who and what I let into my world.  Everything I take in and every interaction I have affects me, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually – this includes what I look at, what I listen to, what I read, and who I communicate with.  It also includes how much information or emotion I let in at any time.  An abundance of outer noise is eager to bombard us and keep us confused.  Unless I am able to pause and mindfully step back, I will miss the bigger picture of what’s going on.  I’ll have no idea how to best companion myself through a tumultuous time.

Extreme Tenderness and Exquisite Care
Another morning, I woke with the words “Extreme Tenderness and Exquisite Care” in my head.  I knew deep in my core that this is exactly what I and so many others need right now.  It’s not selfish to offer ourselves this time and space for loving care and compassion.  It’s actually an act of kindness for us and those around us. 

When we interrupt a destructive or frightening spin with a pause, rather than amplify it with our own thoughts and stories, we have a better chance for a more positive interaction. 

A Powerful Pause
We can allow the pause to support us in coming back to our values and ideals – who we truly are at the core, who we want to be with others, and how we want to show up in the world.  The pause takes us out of reactivity, away from feeling like a pinball being buffeted around recklessly by outside paddles, and offers us a chance to tap the stillness and wisdom within.  Pausing also allows us to stop adding fuel to a fire that’s already raging out of control.  My frenzy has never contributed anything meaningful, helpful, or productive to a situation, and it has often made things worse.  In a frenzy, we are not thinking clearly; frenzied thinking leads to frenzied action.   

Offering ourselves self-compassion, holding ourselves lovingly, acknowledging, “This sucks.  I’m scared.  I’m hurting right now.  This is a moment of suffering,” rather than soldiering on, pretending all is well, gives us a chance to feel heard and understood, if only by ourselves.  Listening to what we need and honoring that, rather than beating ourselves up with artificial “should’s” offers a reprieve from the pushing, driving, and striving that only wears us down. 

These small, not-so-simple acts allow us to take a stand for our own wellbeing and to choose who and what deserves our energy.  This isn’t about putting your head in the sand or being in denial, though if that’s what you need in the initial shock of something horrible, by all means, let that be ok.  It is part of grief, and it’s part of self-survival.  Traumatic events may require a healthy solitude when it all feels like too much. 

How to keep going?
Even in the darkest of times, there is a way to take back your life, to take back your power, to find a way to keep going.  I’ve found this while living through years of my son’s chaotic substance use.  I’ve found this after his death.  I’ve found this in moments in our world that shake all that we’ve known or believed.  I am grateful to remember what I forgot I knew in the malaise that has consumed me recently. 

When we feel powerless, we feel scared.  Maybe we feel hopeless.  One way to regain some power is to tune in to where you have choices.  Where can you find some agency? What can you do differently that will give you energy rather than deplete you? 

Find yourself in this moment – right here, right now as you sit here and read these words.  Feel the earth holding you – feel her strength and resilience.  Are you safe?  Are you comfortable?  Warm?  Fed?  Look around and take in your room.  Listen to the sounds around you and beyond in the outside world.  Smell the scents that fill this space.  Feel the clothes on your body, the temperature of the air on your skin.  Is there anything you taste in this moment?  If it’s helpful, say to yourself silently or aloud, “In this moment, I am here.  I am safe.”  Name what you notice through your senses to ground you here.  Feel your body breathing without needing to change a thing.  Connect with your own aliveness.  Here you are. 

Don’t look away from what’s unsettling, but don’t let it be everything. Ooooh, this is a tough one, but the truth is there is no one thing that defines you or your world, no matter how heavy, ominous, or bleak that thing feels.  As you let yourself be with everything that’s here in this time, you may find that beauty and wonder are always here too, right alongside the scary and oppressive.

Can you allow the hard to be there and still notice things that bring joy or comfort, even if they come in the tiniest moments?  The person who looks at you and smiles.  A dandelion popping up in the sidewalk even in the dark cold fall.  A warm hug without words that gives you a moment to surrender into the love of another.  A gorgeous sunrise or sunset that reminds you of nature’s steadiness and reliability.  The deer on the side of the road that doesn’t crash into your car or the song of the wren breaking through the grey.  Let it all be here.  Open your heart and your arms to include even these beautiful, wondrous things especially when you see no way out of the current darkness. 

Bringing to mind something or someone you appreciate – something that gives you comfort or joy not only offers a temporary reprieve from doom scrolling, but it reminds you that you can choose where you focus your attention and energy.  Feeling gratitude counters the tendency to look for all that’s wrong, and it helps reprogram our brain by remembering all that is part of this present moment.

Our hearts can hold it all even when our minds can’t.  When I was invited into a reflection of gratitude just a few days ago, I didn’t get much further than my husband who I am so glad to share life with and my soft fleece Snoopy blanket that offers me warmth and coziness and makes me smile. Of course, there is much more I am grateful for if I allow myself time to sit and reflect, to feel those things and how they affect me.  And it’s ok when it’s a struggle to connect with them.

What CAN you do even when times are hard and confusing? 
When there is much that you can’t do or much that’s out of your control, focus on what you can do.  You will notice the common themes of “in this moment” and “pause” as a reminder of how valuable it is to slow down and come into present moment awareness.  There are also some suggestions that may feel contradictory to others – that’s unavoidable as each of us checks in with what’s true for us and finds the balance that feels right and doable in this moment.  Here goes: 

❤️ Let yourself feel what you feel.  Angry?  Sad?  Scared?  Confused? Disappointed?  Or Joyful?  Feelings give you great information and need to be felt and allowed to move through.  Don’t deny them, even if others feel differently than you or if you think you should be over it by now. Cry.  Scream. Laugh.  Feelings deserve your attention. 
 
❤️Build inner reserves and resources, even in small moments and doses.  What can you do to nurture and nourish yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?  When you’re well-resourced, you will more likely have the strength and clear-headedness to face hard times.  
Get plenty of rest.  Let yourself chill out as needed.  Get some movement and eat pretty well              when you can.  Join supportive groups or communities to have real and honest discussions while        deepening your own understanding of this thing called life. 
 
❤️Know what you need to refuel and do that.  You don’t want to find your tank on empty in the middle of a storm.  Plan ahead so that you don’t get caught off guard by depletion.  Refueling is different for each of us.  Some people need to be with others, while others need silence, stillness, alone time, or time outdoors.  Some need to hug a tree, cuddle with a sweet pet, or curl up with a good book.  What is it for you? 

❤️Determine what is yours to do at this moment, if anything.  If there is something that you need to do or you feel called to do, do that.  From simple daily tasks to big community action, there are always things you could be doing.  Focus on what’s yours.  Let other things go – you can’t do it all, nor do you have to.  You can trust that others will be called to fill different needs.  And if what is yours to do is to take good care of you and your family, do that. 

❤️Assess your true capacity is in this moment.  You may feel pressured to do something.  Wanting to jump into action is a pretty natural inclination when things feel like they’re spinning out of control.  Do you have energy to give or is this a time to pull in and nurture and nourish yourself?  There will be challenges, requests, and demands coming your way.  Allow yourself to pause and assess before you respond.  Do I have it in me to do this thing in this moment?  Is it a yes, no, or not now? 

❤️Get in touch with what really matters to you and devote your energy there.  The vaster my dismay, the more I pull in and focus on what’s within my sphere.  One thing I know that matters to me is family and friends and in-real-life connections. Community and connections are critical to my heart these days. I am also choosing to decrease my time in the algorithm-controlled virtual reality of social media.  I am picking up the phone and calling people.  Even if I don’t reach them, I get to hear their voice and leave a message to let them know how much they mean to me.  I’m making time to connect with my people, while simultaneously being discerning about how much time and energy I have for peopling. 
​
Another thing that matters to me is finding ways to offer compassion, kindness, and care at a time when this feels more needed than ever.  Kindness can be as simple as sharing a smile or holding a door.  You could send a sweet text or a handwritten card.  Make a big meal and share the leftovers with friends. 

What communities and causes do you care about and how can you support them?  For me, supporting people impacted by mental health is my call, and so I am grateful to be able to support families through the Invitation to Change and to contribute to the work of the CMC: Foundation for Change.   I will also be compiling the next round of CompassioNate Care Bags in the coming month.  It was last Thanksgiving morning that I got a clear hit that we needed to make 111 bags, and I put out the first big call to my community.  The response has been phenomenal and I am so grateful to all who have helped to create and deliver over 500 bags.  

You may not know how important a tiny act might be; never underestimate the impact of a little care, compassion, or kindness. What’s most important to you today, in this moment?  

❤️Get out of your head.  Allow yourself time to dump the many thoughts that are spinning in your mind.  Write them down, share them with a trusted person, or speak them to yourself – getting them out of your head can offer some relief and help create some distance between your thoughts and your life.  Another way to get out of your head is to create – paint, draw, dance, write a poem, sculpt some clay, or knit away.  

❤️Find ways to offer yourself loving kindness and compassion.  What might that look like? You could take time for a formal loving kindness meditation practice.  You might simply pause and put your hand on your heart as you take a breath or two.  You might give yourself an intentional timeout, stepping away to rest, reflect, journal, or just tune out for a while.  Letting yourself scream and cry if that’s what’s needed is a compassionate act.  Please love yourself well.  

❤️Reach out for help and support.  Don’t go through a hard time alone.  Find someone you feel safe with to sit with you, hold space for you, walk alongside you.  That could be a friend, counselor, community member, or helpline.  
I joined a friend for a meal the other day, and we were both struggling.  As we hugged and cried, these words rose up from my heart, “We don’t have to be ok.  We just have to be together.” This resonates as truth.  We don’t have to be ok.  We don’t have to pretend to be ok.  We just need to show up to this moment and then the next.  One breath at a time.  One thought at a time.  One moment at a time. Together.  
 
We don’t know what the future holds, but I am certain that each of us has an important role to play in the unfolding.  How are you doing? How’s your heart?  What helps you get through hard days?  Please share.  We need your wisdom and insight.  
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Seeking Peace Even (Especially) in These Times?

10/17/2024

1 Comment

 
PictureImage by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay
If you’re finding yourself feeling anxious or agitated more often than you’d like and you’d love a little more peace in your life, hold on to hope.  No matter what’s going on around you, you can cultivate peace and even ripple it out to the world.  I’ve learned this over the past many years of my life, during the 14 years my son struggled with substance use and all the chaos that brought into our family, and even in the past year and a half since his passing.  In this post I’ll share some tried and true practices that continue to carry me through the hardest of times.  I hope you’ll find them supportive. 

Even when our political climate is blowing up with division and aggression.  Even when weather crises are coming fast and furious. Even when there's chaos in your family.  Even through all of that, moments of peace are available.  Not every moment, of course.  You’re human and human is messy.  Life is messy.  Things happen.  Reactions come, and the best thing we can do is be real with them and honest about them.  True peace doesn’t come by denying the truth of what’s here or trying to jump over sadness, anger, frustration, or fear to get to peace.  No.  None of that…

What can we do to generate some peace within when the world and its people are spinning in a frenzy around us?  Here are a dozen things that have worked for me (when I remember!).  It’s a practice.  Always.  Something to remember and come back to when we forget:

1. Pause – stop whatever you’re doing and whatever you’re thinking.  Take a breath or ten and step back from the intensity of the moment in order to regain your ground and to consider a fresh perspective.  It’s easy to get caught up and pulled into drama and become one more reactive person in the works, even if we really value peace.   So, give yourself a chance to intentionally interrupt the spin.  

How to do this?  Just taking a moment to feel your feet on the ground and to you’re your breath can help. Or maybe give yourself a timeout in the most positive of ways – this isn’t a punishment, but truly best for everyone involved.  Send yourself to your room or to the woods for even 30 minutes.  If you’re at work or in a public space, lock yourself in a bathroom stall for a few minutes.    Pauses come in all shapes and sizes, and they’re almost never a bad idea. 
 
2. Curiosity – Notice when you’re feeling judgmental about something or someone and catch yourself in that moment.  It can be helpful to shift to a state of curiosity.  Say to yourself, “Isn’t that interesting?”  Or, “that person or that thought doesn’t resonate with me” instead of “I hate them!”  Suzanne Giesemann shared these ideas in a workshop I was in recently, and I was able to put them to use immediately as I came across people behaving badly.  When I took this approach, I found that I got less worked up and agitated.  I could silently send love to a situation and then move on with my day without needing to tell the story over and over or dwell on what an asshole that guy was.  

3. Listen – just listen, without jumping in with your own ideas or opinions.  This can settle a heated moment quickly and keeps you from making things worse.  Take that pause, take a breath, and really listen to what someone else is saying.  I tried this with a man I had just met who shared his opinions about a topic I’m passionate about, and though I didn’t agree with his thoughts on it, I could hear him.  In my doing so, he commented, “Given your response, I’m guessing you don’t agree?”  I simply said, “I don’t know.  Here are my thoughts, but I don’t have the answer, and I don’t want to argue.”  My not jumping in to talk over him or shove my ideas onto him opened up space for us both to think about the topic a little more and maybe even consider the validity of the other person’s thoughts.  
I am also aware that there are many times when I’m quick to speak even though my input hasn’t been requested.  Pausing and just listening helps build more peaceful interactions.
 
Listen to yourself too – listen to your body and heart for what they need in any moment.  Learning to pay attention and honor this internal wisdom is step one in creating a self-care plan that you will stick to.  The better you care for yourself the more peaceful you will feel.
 
4. Slow down.  Maybe this should have been first because it’s integral to the other three ideas I’ve shared so far.  Too often we rush – our meals, our rest, our conversations.  We’re a distracted and busy people.  When we take a little more time to be with ourselves, with each other, we reduce the frenzy.  

5. Notice what you’re taking in – you have to digest everything that you take in.  That’s true of food and drink, and also of things you’re listening to, watching, and reading.  Is what you’re taking in filling you up or draining you?  Does it inspire you and give you hope or send you to a place of despair?  You are the sacred gatekeeper for your energy, so get curious about what you’re letting in to your being and how it affects you.  Make changes accordingly, even if it’s only a slight reduction – say, checking headlines or scrolling social media 4 times/day instead of 400.  There’s an awful lot of input available these days and a lot of it is designed to stir you up, hook you in, or both.  Take good care of you.  

6. Who are you hanging around with?  Are they people who lift you up, inspire you, or make you laugh?  People you can be real with?  People you can cry with when you’re feeling sad?  Or are they people who exhaust you or suck the life out of you?  You might not have a choice all the time given your family or work environment.  If those places are very draining, please be sure to balance out your interactions with those that are nourishing, uplifting, and fulfilling.  Also be sure you’re getting enough “me time.”  You know… alone time with yourself… time to reflect, process, or just chill.  Such important recharge time!  

7. What energy are you spreading, perpetuating, or exacerbating?  Your presence makes a difference – to those around you and to yourself.  Pay attention to how you feel if you jump in on gossip or if you repeat a story or belief you’ve told many times already.  That spin of agony – “It shouldn’t be this way!  How could this be happening? He’s crazy!  Why is he doing this? I can’t take it!” doesn’t feel great.  And the truth is, you’re here.  You’re taking it, and you can choose how you want to be and what energy you want to bring to the world.  It matters.  Notice if something inside you likes to stir up drama or if you’d feel much better being a little more Zen.  Are your words and actions aligned with your values?  I find a deep inner ick when they’re not!  For your own peace, shift your energy.  

8. Where can you take down a barrier today?  In a world that seems determined to pit us against one another, that can be a hard ask, but look for opportunities to bridge a divide.  Extend a kindness to someone you’d normally look away from or down on.  Share a smile.  This doesn’t have to be hard or big, but small acts can generate big results.  It’s one of the things I love about the CompassioNate Care Bag movement – people are turning toward their neighbors in need and reaching a hand out instead of looking away. 

If you love someone who struggles with substance use, there are often a lot of barriers keeping us at war with one another.  Curiosity and listening at times when you might usually yell or lecture can open doors, mend hurts, and build trust and relationship.  It can be really hard to listen in a situation where you think you know what’s right or what has to be done.  When you open your heart to your loved one and listen to their ideas and perspectives, and have an actual conversation, new ideas and perspectives might emerge that you would never have come up with on your own.  When I was finally able to unplug my ears and open my eyes to have a real two-way conversation with Nate, he trusted me enough to share a little of what it was like to be him.  I think the question, spoken or intended, “What’s it like to be you?” can open a lot of doors and hearts and help build connection if we’re genuinely curious and willing to hear some hard things. 
 
​9. Notice The F’s – I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling overwhelmed, terrified, and/or powerless, I don’t necessarily function at my best.  I jump into forcing, fighting, fixing, fleeing and frenzy.  When we feel out of control or powerless it’s easy to fall into these nasty F’s, often followed by a big loud exasperated “F IT!!”  It’s natural to try to force things to happen, to fix problems (or people), to lash out or flee to isolation, or to find yourself scrambling in a frenzy.  However, reacting these ways rarely work and often make things worse.  

Try these F’s instead – face it, flex, flow, and maybe even fun.  Flexing and flowing require a certain level of acceptance and surrender which come from facing the reality of what’s before you.  When you can, turn toward the challenge and find a way to be with it and move with it rather than frantically trying to make it change.  How might you even have fun with these moments?  I now try to spend more time clapping with joy at political signs that give me hope rather than flipping off the ones that make me cringe.  Why not?
 
Just last week I had a chance to work with this – a birthday gift I had ordered for my son was reported as “delivered” on Wednesday.  Except it had not been delivered to me.  Clearly it had been left somewhere, but it wasn’t in my box, in our parcel lockers or at my home.  So, I filed an online claim and waited for a response.  The next day I received an email to let me know they were looking into it and another later in the day that it had been found, misdelivered, but was now in my box.  Great!  Except… it wasn’t there.  So, I called the post office and left a message for the postmaster – later got a call that she had left for the day and wouldn’t be back till Tuesday, but someone else was going to talk to the carrier to try to figure out what was going on and where this package.  Frustrating…  but as I sat down on Saturday morning, I silently offered up the intention that the package find its way to us with ease, and I let it go.  I kid you not… within 10 minutes the postmaster was knocking on our door, handing my husband the package.  She had come out on her day off to find it and get it to us!  Amazing! 
 
Does it always work that way?  Of course not, especially when other people are involved.  BUT, sometimes it does.  I’m certain things went more smoothly and she was moved to help me out because I didn’t yell and scream at her.  We need to take the steps we need to take, and then let go and wait, allowing things to get worked out. 
 
10. Be aware of what you’re focusing on -  Shifting your focus from what’s wrong, what’s troubling you, or what scares you can truly change your experience of life, even if nothing outside of you changes.  One of the quickest ways to do this is to take a moment and reflect on what you’re grateful for, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant that may be.  Gratitude has been shown to rewire our brains and help take us out of the eternal loop of thinking about all that’s wrong and to open up to noticing what there is to appreciate. 

I also look for beauty every day – mostly outside, as nature is more than willing to accommodate me with her clouds, critters, plants, sunsets, and moon rises.  Oh, and last week, the Northern Lights!  Holy wow!  They were spectacular!  So cool to see so many people pulled together by this force of wonder and awe!  Even in our homes and work spaces, there’s beauty to be found if you’re willing to look.  Let yourself pause and take it in.  What does beauty feel like in your body?  Where do you notice it?  We need beauty to counter the ugliness that permeates too much of today’s airwaves. 
 
11. Meet yourself and this moment with self-compassion, kindness, and gentleness.  I noticed myself judging my lack of strength, mobility, and flexibility in yoga class the other day. In another lifetime, yoga was a regular part of my weeks and sustained me well.  The reality is in the past year and a half, what used to be a pretty regular activity has gone by the wayside.  So, I have a choice. I can feel sad about how much I’ve lost in myself and beat myself up for that, or I can feel sad about it and greet myself with compassion and acceptance that this is just the way it is right now.  I chose the latter, but not without a lot of internal chatter along the way.  It’s a process and a practice.  When we treat ourselves with compassion, we’re much more likely to offer it to others. 

12. Turn to Love, with a capital L, and ask for guidance – There are two questions I sometimes remember to ask of Love, this giant force of unconditional love that’s available to us all. 
1. What would Love do? Shockingly, the answer is often very different than what this cranky human would do!  And, 2. Love, what would you have me know? (taken from Liz Gilbert’s beautiful practice with this inquiry).  In either case, you can silently ask and quiet yourself enough to hear what response comes or you could write it out and do a little free-form journaling, allowing your hand to keep writing as you take in and capture whatever comes to you. 

I find Love to be a very gentle, compassionate, supportive force to lean into which often reminds me to take it easy on myself, to slow down… all the things we’ve talked about above!  Sometimes she shows me ways I can serve or help someone else that will feel good.  She’s a very positive influence  for me! 

Life is a series of moments never promised.  
As Joanna Macy said on her podcast, “We are the Great Turning,” (which I highly recommend you check out!), “This moment with you is a gift that was never promised.”  This is true of every moment, so cherish your moments with people you love. The more fragile their lives, the more numbered their days, the more worthy of cherishing.  We take too much for granted and get too easily swept away by stuff that isn’t worthy of our time or attention.  Let’s rein it in and build the lives we want to be living. 

Each of these suggestions is a process and a practice.  I hope something resonates that might support you in cultivating a little more peace in your days and ways.  Let me know!  What other things do you do to help create peace when times feel hard, hopeless, or scary?  Drop a note in the comments or send me a note. I love, love, love hearing from and learning from you! 

Here’s a little music 🎶to support you on this journey – enjoy!
  • Common (“Cause we’ve got way too much in common…”)
  • If not for Love (“And what are we here for, if not for love?”)
  • Love Wins (“I believe we’re made to be here for each other”)

And a couple of meditations to choose from:
  • Possibility of Peace Within
  • Sitting with the Messiness
  • In Painful Times
  • Love, What Would You have Me Know?

If Love points you toward service, here are some ways to support local grassroots efforts that are near and dear to my heart and run by people I love.   

✨Brightstar Community’s Bright Night – Nov. 7th.  Their mission is to help women survivors of sexual exploitation and trafficking find healing, hope, and independence. By raising awareness and funds, we can provide safe housing, holistic care, and a supportive community to these courageous women as they rebuild their lives. By attending and purchasing tickets to this fundraising event, you are directly contributing to providing safe, long-term housing and trauma-informed care for survivors.

❤️The Emilee Connection’s fundraiser of Music, Compassion & Connection – Nov. 8th – their mission is to support adults who suffer from anorexia and other eating disorders by harnessing the power of peer support, social connection, activities, educational events, inspiring speakers, and provide education and peer support for those who love them and for our community.

💕 Our CompassioNate Care Bag Mission is fueled by donations from so many amazing people.  I couldn’t do it alone!  If you’d like to be part of this mission, please consider a donation via Venmo to @Barbara-Klein-25 or through a purchase directly from my Wish List.  I’ll be compiling the next big set of bags within the next month as we head into colder weather. Thank you!  
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A little of the Northern Lights beauty I found at Lake Ontario, NY
1 Comment

Different from Self-Care

8/20/2024

4 Comments

 
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Self-kindness… it’s what the Invitation to Change (a wonderful program for those who love someone who struggles with substance use) invites people to offer themselves every week (or better yet, every day). Every chapter in The Invitation to Change: A Short Guide ends with “What is a kindness I can allow myself this week?” and the caution to not jump over this critical consideration.  But what does it really mean?  Self-kindness is different from self-care, though certainly linked. 

I told a friend recently how hard I had been on myself, how much I had been beating myself up, comparing myself to others and falling short, how harsh my words had been to my own ears.  She listened with sadness and a a little confusion, saying, “But you’re really good at self-care. You do a lot of things for yourself.” 

That’s when I knew there was an important distinction to make between self-care and self-kindness.  Between what goes on above ground and below the surface, in the mind and heart. 

She’s right.  I do a lot of things for myself.  I get myself to appointments that help keep this body going the best I can.  I talk with my counselor regularly. And even healing practitioners, who do such a great job caring for others, also struggle with applying that same kindness to themselves.   Why?  Because they’re human.  And human is messy…

One shared with me her own invitation into self-care in the middle of the night, beginning with “I’m going to soften my jaw.”  Yes.  That is self-kindness.  Simple, but not natural or it wouldn’t have required an intentional reminder.  She invited me to think of 3 things I could do to be kind to myself during my session on her table.  I began by softening my face – I hold SO much tension there.  My grief lives there.  The mere softening led me to letting my tears bubble up, come out, and flow, allowing the sobs that had been held for too long.  In the safety of this alone time, I could do that, and it was kind to do so. 

I don’t consciously hold it together, but subconsciously, I do.  Too much.  So much that it has to come out.  It's kind to allow my grief space and expression.  I was afraid I’d sob uncontrollably the whole time once I began.  I found my fears were unwarranted.  By simply allowing myself the chance to cry, to feel my sadness and grief without shying away from it, it could rise up, come out, and move through.  I didn’t need to shove the pain down or push it away.  With kindness and tenderness, I could allow it a much-needed release.  After a few minutes, I found myself feeling more peaceful, calm and present, and I could breathe more deeply.  For over an hour, my simple kindness to myself was to soften my face, feel my feelings, let my tears come, and breathe, riding all the waves that came without chiding myself, questioning why or where this came from, and simply allowing true expression. 

So, how is self-kindness different from self-compassion and self-care? 
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Self-care is often thought of as the things you do – taking a bubble bath, exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep, or getting to appointments that help your well-being.  BUT those same things done from a place of harshness, judgment, or obligation aren’t necessarily self-kindness.  If, while you’re exercising, you’re berating your jiggly thighs or your inability to do as much as you think you should be able to, is that really self-care? If you’re forcing yourself to go to the gym because you know you should exercise, but you hate the gym, does that count? If you’re beating yourself up for needing so much sleep or for eating out when you were just too tired to cook, how kind is that?  If you’re carrying out acts of self-care while also being really mean to yourself, how can you make peace with yourself and bring in more kindness and compassion? 

I’ve learned that true self-care is deeper, more subtle than the things you’re doing on the surface and I’ve reframed it as being true to and gentle with yourself, one moment at a time. A friend recently shared to her true self-care as intending to be as tender as she can be with her whole life.  We talked about tending the spirit being different than getting a pedicure.  Oh yes, soul care, spirit care, tending our tender hearts is definitely different.  Our hearts and souls need time and attention beyond what’s happening on the surface.  They’re deeply affected by what’s going on within. Without mindful attention, I miss the inner battle between what I know to be realistic and true and the opportunity to stop the downward spiral into perfectionistic striving and feeling “not enough…” 

Self-compassion is a way of being - an attitude with which we turn toward ourselves.  According to Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher and teacher, self-compassion has 3 elements: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity.  Self-compassion invites us to be mindful, present, and to acknowledge our feelings, as we remember that we’re not alone – that other people feel the way we feel at one time or another.  Self-compassion invites us to be with ourselves with kindness rather than judgment, the way we would a beloved child or friend.  It may involve forgiveness or gentle reassurance when we feel we’ve messed up or we’re falling short. 

Self-kindness is one element of self-compassion that comes through in our words, thoughts, and actions toward ourselves.  Are we being understanding, gentle, allowing the messy, imperfect experience that is the very essence of being human?  Are we beating ourselves up or tearing ourselves down, harshly criticizing or judging, expecting more from ourselves than we would anyone else?  Expecting perfection often gets in the way of self-kindness.  I should know better!  I can’t believe I did that!  How could I forget? When we thrash ourselves with thoughts like this, we are not allowing our humanity.  We are not taking into account things like burn-out, stress, lack of sleep, grief, or fear that get in the way of clear thinking. 

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I caught myself feeling and thinking, “I hate myself” one day.  The harshness of this thought caught me by surprise.  As much as I chastise myself with little slips of, “What an idiot… how could I?” hate isn’t an energy I often experience, and I didn’t really know where it came from.  I certainly didn’t want to reinforce it, but I also didn’t want to shun it. 

Self-kindness invited me to look at what it was all about, to see it came from my mind that told me I wasn’t doing enough compared to others.  I felt burdened by too many mistakes in a short period of time.  I didn’t understand how I’ve been grieving almost 17 months and was doing better earlier on, so I judged that something was very wrong with me.    

In the early days and months after Nate’s death, I easily and genuinely extended myself “all the grace,” because I knew it wasn’t reasonable to expect much, or anything, of me. As time goes on, even though intellectually I know I’m still very early in this grief journey, my conditioning creeps in making me feel like I’ve fallen behind and urges me to play an impossible game of catch-up. 

There’s a big difference between what I “know” and what I do.  Intellectually I can say, “I just don’t have the capacity for XYZ…” but when XYZ don’t get done, the louder voice inside of me berates me, judges me for wasting another day when I had the time but not the energy or desire.  People who care about me see what’s really needed and invite me to “just be.”  To rest.  To do nothing and let it be ok.  I get it.  I’ve been learning these ideas for decades and teaching them for over 10 years.  And yet, I’m not sure I really know how to just be and truly feel at peace with myself in that space.  How do you really do nothing? What does that look like? 

Signs of self-unkindness:

Judgy, critical thoughts like “What is wrong with me?  How could I have done that? How could I have forgotten this?” are prevalent in a world of not-so-kind. 

Basing how ok I feel about myself upon whether the kitchen table is clear of last month’s mail (it wasn’t until a few minutes ago), or whether the hutch has been dusted (it most definitely has not been since Nate died), or if I’ve remembered to pay the bills on time (I didn’t this month), or if I’ve sent the cards I’ve been meaning to send for weeks (Nope! They’re sitting here in a pile waiting for me), or if I’ve worked on my book as much as I wanted to (you probably already guessed - I haven’t! Shocker!). 

Pushing ourselves to be more or do more than is reasonable. 

Burning the candle at both ends, exhausting ourselves trying to get all the things on the never-ending to-do list done. 

Sacrificing our own well-being for what others need from us. 

Overwhelming ourselves with worry. 

These are some of the ways unkindness might show up.  Take a moment to think about how it comes out for you. 

Why is this self-kindness thing so hard?

Most of us have never been taught to be kind to ourselves, and instead learned to be “nice,” and “good,” generous, and thoughtful toward others.  And those are all good things, but somehow our minds have twisted that to make us believe that others’ needs are more important than ours.  That it’s selfish to even think about ourselves, much less be kind.  That it’s narcissistic to focus on our needs.
 
Kindness ought to be extended simply because you are, not because of what youI’ve done or haven’t done.  Kindness doesn’t need to be earned.  But when we’re not being kind to myself, we forget all of that. 

My counselor recently said to me, “We know ourselves through doing.  We must learn to love  ourselves for simply being.”  (or something like that – I hope you get the gist of it).  Ugh!  I know, I know, I know, and it’s still so hard to do in everyday life!  I recognize that my upbringing taught me to value my productivity, my contribution, and so when I don’t have the energy to produce or contribute much, I struggle.  I feel better when I’m bringing value and serving in a way that brings meaning.

Grief often leads me to fritter away a blessedly open day, which could be ok if I would be kind to myself about it.  If I’d give myself permission to do nothing or to just putter and see where the day takes me, then maybe I could feel ok about it.  But when I hold unreasonable, unspoken expectations that don’t align with the reality of my energy or mindset, there’s a huge risk that I’ll fall into a spiral of shame and shortcoming. 

If you judge yourself by how much you do, what you accomplish, or how well you’re keeping up with the demands of life, even if you’re going through something really hard right now, even if you’re completely exhausted and drained, or swimming in grief or struggling with a loved one, how might you be a little gentler with yourself? 

Ways to get to self-kindness:

Ask “What do I need in this moment?”  Take the time to pause and tune in to respond with gentleness, kindness, and true care.  I often forget to remember this key question that readily leads to self-kindness.

Liz Gilbert has a beautiful practice of conversing with Love (the giant force of unconditional Love that’s available to us all).  Asking, “Love, what would you have me know?” and jotting down Love’s response can render surprisingly tender and supportive notes that reveal what we, in our humanness, might be missing. 

Talk with someone when you’re struggling.  Know who your safe people are - people who can go to this very vulnerable place with you.  Who can hear you?  On a very anxious day, I felt validated and supported when my husband listened and reflected back to me all that was weighing on me.  I was definitely minimizing the list!  It’s also helpful when a friend gently says, “Don’t talk to my friend that way!” 

Put up post-it notes to remind yourself of who you really are or to take time for self-kindness – good to look at when you begin to swim in regret.  Things that will make you smile or laugh.  As a friend reflected, this is a way to shift your mindset and, “Drink in more love, rather than bathe in self-hatred.”

Pause, breathe, and put your hands on your heart - a simple gesture of self-compassion that lets you know you’re here for you.  Listen to any guidance or insights that rise up or simply take the time to whisper softly or silently to yourself, “I’ve got you.  I love you.  We will get through this.” ❤️

What might self-kindness look like?

In essence, self-kindness begins by paying attention to how you’re treating yourself.  Noticing if your inner dialogue is harsher than you’d use with anyone else.  Being aware whether your choices are harmful or supportive to your well-being. 

It can be as simple as choosing to soften your jaw or your face or your fists.

It could be opening up some white space on your calendar if you’re feeling particularly stretched or just need a little more time and space.  If there’s something you’d like to reschedule, give yourself the grace to do so. 

Making a pact with yourself that you’re not going to talk meanly about yourself – your body, your intelligence, your behaviors… whatever it is for you.  A friend shared with me her conscious decision to catch herself in the act, and gently say, “Oh, I’m not doing that anymore.”  Honestly, self-abuse doesn’t help and may just drive you more deeply into whatever it is you don’t want to be doing.

Bringing curiosity to yourself can free you from judgment – “I wonder what’s going on for me?” rather than immediately jumping to “What the heck is wrong with me?”  Maybe nothing’s wrong.  Create a little space to find out. 

Asking for help and delegating what tasks you can when overwhelm is bearing down on you. 

Instead of beating yourself up for not being able to hear, make an appointment with an audiologist to get things checked out and maybe getting some support! 

Saying “no.”  Stepping away from people or groups that drain your energy or bring you down. 

Taking time for the people, activities, and practices that you know fill you up and nurture and nourish you well. 

Taking a conscious social media break – there’s a lot brewing out there right now, folks!  You have to digest everything you take in, so take some breaks. 

Letting go of “should’s” and instead being true to what you know you want or need. 

Saying “yes” to fun, to life, even if it doesn’t “make sense.”  Some of my favorite moments come from spontaneity and ventures that might look ridiculous but bring me great joy – like traveling hours to see a band we love. 

Letting go of unrealistic expectations and cutting yourself some slack when you don’t make the best choice or you’ve been a little judgy toward yourself – remember, you’re human.  Let go of any worry of, “But aren’t I just letting myself off the hook?  Don’t I need to hold myself accountable?”  You can get back on track without beating yourself mercilessly for a slip.  Accept the reality that slips will happen. 

Why does it matter?

Because the kinder you are to yourself, the more loving and available you can be for life and the things and people that need you.  Because you deserve your own loving care.  Because life is stressful and self-kindness can help soothe that stress which contributes to better physical and mental health. 

Here’s a beautiful song from the masterful Brandi Carlile that I invite you to play on repeat if you need to. I think I’m going to give it a go myself!  Stay Gentle
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What are your thoughts? 

What gestures of self-kindness do you allow yourself?  How do you know when you’re being unkind to you?  What strategies do you have for coming back to self-kindness?  Why does it matter to you?  Please share so that we can build our reservoir full of ideas to turn to when the going gets rough.  Life’s hard enough without us piling more on ourselves. 

May you be peaceful.  May you be happy.  May you be kind – to yourself as well as to others. 
May you know you are loved and soak in your worthiness for love all the way to your very core.  
4 Comments

Why CompassioNATE Care?

8/18/2024

4 Comments

 
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It occurred to me that although I’ve been on a mission that has made and distributed over 450 CompassioNate Care Bags since August 2023, I haven’t talked a lot about why this mission means so much to me.  I’m assuming you can tell that issues of mental health, substance use, and homelessness are important to me and that compassion and kindness are my jam.  But why?
 
​Our Story - What We Didn't Know and What We've Learned
💕 Before our beautiful son, Nate, passed on March 29, 2023 just shy of his 30th birthday, we had gone through 14 years of pain, struggle, challenge, as a result of substance use and other serious mental health challenges on top of a lifetime of school struggles.  Life for us, and particularly for Nate, was beyond hard.  In those 14 years, despite our love and efforts to help him, there were too many times he struggled with homelessness in part because Tom and I didn’t know what we know now.  
 
We didn’t understand that his behaviors were serving him in some way, even though there were so many negative consequences taking a toll on him and us.  We didn’t know that ambivalence, especially when one is considering a gigantic change like recovery, is super normal and not a reflection of his desire to get better or how much he cared about himself or us. We didn’t know that there were ways to recover other than traditional treatment, 12 step programs, or abstinence – all things he had tried and “failed” at, giving him more things to beat himself up for.  These are the lost “tough love years” which I grieve along with grieving his death.
 
Not only were we lacking in knowledge, understanding, and guidance, but because we hadn’t yet found the Invitation to Change and had never heard of peer support, recovery coaching, or harm reduction, we were misinformed about addiction and misguided about our role and ability to help.  We hadn’t yet met other parents who had found healthy ways to be in relationship with their kid or professionals who knew effective ways for families to recover together.  We believed we needed to let him (or make him) hit rock bottom, we shouldn’t help him for fear of enabling, and we were powerless.  
 
Society’s prevailing messages convinced us that trying to detach was what love required of us.  The chaos in our lives was painful, harmful, and ineffective for us all.  Not only did tough love not help Nate’s recovery, it took away his family support and put him in survival mode which only contributed to his cycle of shame, use, more shame, and more use.  It hacked away at our relationship, broke trust on both sides, and put Nate in situations where he experienced trauma we’ll never know about.
 
In the times when he couldn’t live with us and didn’t know where to turn, various people - friends, family, professionals, and strangers - stepped in as angels on earth, helping him make it one more hour, one more day, and possibly 11 more years than he might have had otherwise.  I am forever grateful for the people who turned toward him in his times of despair, letting him know he wasn’t alone, that someone cared, and that he and his life mattered.  I am deeply grateful for those who extended kindness, care, compassion, and a hand up when he felt desperately lost, and we didn’t know what to do.
 
Paying it Forward with Gratitude
💕 That love and those people fuel my intention with the beautiful bright CompassioNate Care Bags as one way to pay it forward.  My husband, friends, and I load up these bags with niceties (pens, notebooks, and a little money) and necessities (resource numbers, personal care items, clothing, food, and drug testing strips and Naloxone) to spread this ripple of love to people, our community members, who may be feeling lost and alone.  My friend, Chris Abert, from the NY Recovery Alliance, says, “Yours may be the last interaction a person has.  Be kind.” Makes good sense to me.
 
Doing What We Can
💕 I’m embarrassed to admit the times I struggled with what to do when I saw a person sitting alongside a building or standing on a corner with a sign asking for help.   One December, in NYC I saw a person bundled in dirty blankets, sitting on cardboard outside Macy’s with a sign declaring, “You don’t even see me.”  Oooph!  That hit my heart hard.  They weren’t wrong – thousands of people looked away as they went on with their shopping and window-gazing. 
 
Though I always felt a tug to help, I was afraid to offer money for fear they’d use it for drugs or alcohol.  Why did I care?  I’m not in charge of that.  Maybe they’ll get a McDonald’s meal, a cup of coffee and a donut, and they’ll be a tad more comfortable for a little bit.  Maybe they won’t, but I don’t have to assume the worst. Far too many times I’ve looked away and moved past someone in need, my heart breaking, feeling powerless and lamely excusing myself with, “You can’t help everyone.”  No, I can’t help everyone, but I can do what I can.
 
Everyone is Someone's Child
💕 Knowing that any one of these people in need could be my son and remembering that they are someone’s child, I now look at people and see their humanity.  Not too long after Nate died, I pulled off the highway and noticed a man staggering by the railing, looking as if he might fall over.  I stopped, rolled down the window, held out my hand and offered a snack, some money, and a card with Nate’s picture, some encouraging messages and local resource numbers on it.  I looked this man in the eye, and said, “This is for you.  My son died.  I don’t want that to happen to you.  Here are some numbers and some things for you.”  He asked my son’s name, I told him, and he kindly offered his prayers for us. I pulled away sobbing, heart breaking open, somehow knowing this was only the beginning.
 
A Collective Effort Honoring a Legacy of Love
💕 These care bags are created with so much generous support from others.  They provide a chance to offer a little kindness, to see and reach out to our neighbors in need.  One of the things I love most about Nate is that no matter how little he had or how hard he was struggling, he always thought of others, shared what he had, and did what he could for people who were struggling.  This project keeps his legacy of love and caring alive.  I am deeply grateful to the hundreds of people who have donated items, cash, time, and energy to help reach and serve people in need with over 450 bags that have been gifted in the Rochester area and beyond!

❤️I am deeply grateful to RAW Recovery, the NY Recovery Alliance, and Samadhi who have helped me include critical harm reduction supplies in these bags.  Please consider supporting these organizations in the compassionate, vital work they are doing.  
 
What it's been Like
💕 My friend, Cheri, who has jumped onboard with boundless passion, has so many beautiful stories to share – taking  Leo for coffee, learning he’s an artist and buying his beautiful painting of a moon; seeing a woman collapsed on the sidewalk, pulling over, grabbing Narcan from a bag and reversing an overdose. Cheri regularly looks for people in need, asks them if they’re hungry, if they need water, and encourages them to call home as she hands them her phone.  She gives hugs freely and meets people where they are, as they are.  We don’t know how things play out, but we know in these moments a genuine heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul connection has been made.  
 
Another friend carries bags with her, hands them out at lights, and wonders about the stories of the folks she reaches. People share how surprised and grateful recipients are to be seen and treated kindly.  Some volunteers have enhanced the bags with an apple, another snack bar, a little more money, or some clothing they’d otherwise leave sitting in a drawer unused.  They have chats with people they are meeting and sometimes share a hug.
 
This project benefits both the giver and the receiver!  Our volunteers are people who don’t typically work in street outreach - people who want to make a difference, to do something, and haven’t known how.  These bags offer a relatively easy and meaningful way to make a direct impact to a person in need who often feels invisible or scorned.

If I'm in a funk, nothing lifts me like being able to share a heart-to-heart connection, a smile, and a little offering of compassion and kindness.  
 
If You'd Like to Be Part of the CompassioNate Care Mission
💕 Each bag costs between $20-25 because they are chock full of goodness.  If you’d like to be part of the CompassioNate Care mission, there are a variety of ways you can join in. Find what feels good, right, and doable to you, whether that’s shopping for items directly from the wish list, sending donations that allow me to shop and fulfill my commitment, or by being one of the people to carry these bright bags and hand them out with a smile and a blessing when there’s an opportunity!  Thank you to those who’ve helped me so far and thank you to those who’d like to jump in now!
 
And to all of us, may we be beacons of light, hope, and kindness in a world that is desperately in need.   
 
✨Here's how to help create CompassioNATE Care Bags ✨

We last put together 142 bags to hand out in the Rochester area in June - our magical number of 111 plus 31 for his 31st birthday.    I anticipate assembling our next batch this fall, sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  
 
🌟 Each bag has a card in it with Nate's picture, encouraging messages, and resource numbers to support people in finding the support they need. 

🌟 It's easy to contribute!  I've created a wishlist which is open for ongoing donations to make it easy for anyone from anywhere to contribute the items we need.  
 
🌟 Cash donations: We could also use cash donations - these help me to buy what's missing and to put a $5 cash in each bag.  You can contribute in this way through Venmo - @Barbara-Klein-25.  Simply note “Care Bags” to let me know to direct your goodwill to this effort.  

🌟 Want to send loving encouragement? If you'd like to write some notes of love, care, and encouragement to be included in the bags, please mail them to me at PO Box 612, Livonia, NY 14487 - send them any time, I will include them in the next batch we put together. 

🌟 Willing to help hand out bags?  I'm looking for people in the Rochester area to carry bags with them and hand out when they see people in need. Contact me if you're willing to be one of these people! 

 🌟Want to help this mission grow? Maybe you live outside the Rochester area or you're part of a group that would like to assemble and distribute bags - I'm happy to help you get started.  Just e-mail me and I can share with you what I've done and help you get the resource number cards with Nate's picture and messages on the front.  I'm very grateful to my friend, Judy, for helping bring some cards and bags to the Albany area in our first large-scale out of area effort!  

Let's open our hearts and spread some compassion this summer! You can help to spread some light, warmth, and love to those who need it most.
 
Thank you so much for your consideration! The journey continues! The love lives on!

Many thanks to News 8 for covering this effort in a short story in June.  You can watch here. 
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Answering the Call

3/8/2024

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PictureImage by Aurélien Barre from Pixabay
​Answering the call… what's it mean?  Not what it would have meant if I had written this several years ago.  Then it would have been about following your heart, your dreams, your passion.  Creating a life or work that calls to you.  Today, it's something much simpler. A gentle and fairly easy way to tend my heart.  (if you missed last week's post from guest blogger, Heather Ross, you can find Tending Your Heart here).   
 
For the third time this week, the birds, ocean, and sun called me to sunrise.  For the previous nine weeks, I often slept til 8 or 9, but now, with 3 days left in Hilton Head, I don't want to miss it.  I started my 60th birthday with a solo sunrise and lots of tears because there is grief about entering a new year without my son, Nate, physically here.  And because sunrise at the ocean breaks my heart open for some reason.  Even today it brought tears.  There's a primitive force that I feel in my heart.  
 
This morning, most people had already left or were leaving.  Some would say I'd missed it because I wasn't there for the breaking on the horizon moment.  I knew that would be the case and still I went.  Some would say it wasn't very dramatic because there weren't many clouds.  The breaking of a new day is always a miracle, and I rarely rise to greet it, to celebrate it - so with or without clouds, it's a powerful force, a tremendous beauty to me.  I'm glad I was there mostly alone, so I could take it in, feel, cry, let the sun and the wind caress my face while I closed my eyes and communed with, joined with them.  It's breathtaking, and I'm glad I answered the call and gave myself this time with nature rather than lying in bed trying to go back to sleep.  No, I didn’t want to miss these moments in my last days here.  I’m not a National Geographic photographer – it’s not about the perfect image – it’s about being there for it, feeling the rhythm of nature, the steadiness and impermanence in the sand as the ocean washes over the beach.
 
Today I wrote 4EVER LOVE in the sand at the shoreline, and while it stayed untouched for a few minutes, it wasn’t long before it was quickly, gently swooped away, yet still there.  Nothing can take it away.  For some reason I like offering it up to the sands and the ocean – to mingle with, become a part of these forces of beauty and nature. 
 
To breathe in the damp morning air, to bathe in the resonant sound of waves, the wind, the birdsong – it takes me away from the worries of the day, the troubles of our times, the political divide that’s already and ever escalating. Just for a few moments, I can truly feel peace, contentment, and I don’t need to do anything, produce anything, think about anything, worry about anything.  I can just breathe, listen, and take in the gift of another new day.  That, my friends, is a beautiful miracle that I will savor.
 
Even now, hours later as I sit at the kitchen table, typing up this reflection, it fills my heart, soothes, my soul, and takes me over with its magnificence.  Captivates me.  Entrances and enchants me.  Beauty.  Wonder. Awe.  These are a few of my favorite things. Happy to share them with you! 
 
What is it that brings you this sense of wonder and awe?  How can you give yourself more moments with gifts for your heart and soul?  What call is awaiting your response? Please share!!  

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Tending Your Heart

2/19/2024

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PictureImage by Kevin McIver from Pixabay
Guest blog by Heather Ross
Some events are so impactful that they create a distinct before and after in the timeline of your life. The events that unfolded in the second half of 2021 forever altered the landscape of my existence. Within just 6 months I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer, including a double mastectomy, my divorce was finalized (resulting in the loss of crucial medical insurance which I needed for future treatments), and my 21-year-old daughter Helanna passed away from an overdose.
 
I realize this is a grim way to start a blog post, but surprisingly, the intensity of those experiences led me to a profound perspective shift and opened my life to new possibilities.  Has it been easy? No! But I want you to know what’s possible, even after facing such huge challenges. 
 
When I was in high school a friend and I were sitting on the front of a pontoon boat enjoying the refreshing breeze as her father was driving us to a restaurant on the lake.  A water skier made a massive wave that caused the front of our boat to dip in the water. My friend and I were deep in the lake before we knew what happened. At first, I panicked, disoriented because I didn’t have time to take a deep breath.  Then I stilled myself and waited to see if I floated up. Once I figured out which way was up, I also noticed the sunlight, and I swam toward it as fast as I could so I could take a deep breath and fill my lungs with oxygen again. 
 
Unlike this boating accident, the events of 2021 left me disoriented with no buoyancy to help me float.  There was no light to guide me to the surface so I could breathe again. I felt like I had lost everything. My mind relentlessly told me everything I had worked on for the first 49 years of my life had failed and I had no future. The grief from breast cancer, divorce, and losing Helanna sometimes felt like drinking from a fire hose, flooding me and taking me down.
 
I consider myself to be resilient, and before this time, when an area of my life collapsed, I built it back up better and stronger, but losing my daughter tested my strength in every way imaginable. I couldn’t imagine ever having the strength to face a future without her, so the painful thoughts intensified, becoming more and more believable.
  
I also started noticing memories that had not bothered me before my daughter passed away suddenly became traumatic, and I couldn’t understand why. After struggling on my own for a while, I sought EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy to help me process my traumatic memories.   EMDR encourages the patient to briefly focus on the trauma memory while simultaneously experiencing bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements), which reduces the vividness and emotion associated with trauma memories, calming the nervous system.
 
Trauma is not only about the event itself. It is also about what happens inside us in response to the event. Trauma can be caused by any event that we experience as emotionally distressing, not just life-threatening events. The loss of my daughter made me feel very unsafe. I became preoccupied with thinking about the other horrible things that could happen. The more I thought about bad things happening the more unsafe I felt.  It was a vicious cycle.
 
Trauma's impact extends beyond the event itself and infiltrates our thoughts, emotions, and memories. Our brains work in a think-feel-act cycle.  We have a thought.  That thought releases chemicals that we feel as an emotion in our body, and emotions lead us to action. Beliefs come from thoughts we think repeatedly. Our thoughts and beliefs affect our memories because our memories aren’t fixed.  Each time we retrieve a memory we can distort it. 
 
Over time a memory can become more about your thoughts and judgments about the memory than the actual memory. When trauma is involved, we distort our memories even more in what is called memory amplification. We change our recollection of our past, essentially changing our past. In this case we are making the past worse than it was.  Changing our past affects how we perceive the present moment, and it can change our future because of the state of being we’re creating in this process. 

This explains why my memories that weren’t traumatic previously became traumatic after my daughter passed away. Every time I retrieved those memories, I loaded the trauma with my judgments and feelings of guilt, grief, despair, hopelessness, and shame. I wasn’t aware I was distorting my memories until I started sorting it all out with EMDR.
The original feelings associated with certain memories had been written over, as if I had made changes to a Word document, and saved a newer, harsher version. The more times I retrieved the memories, the more painful they got.  I was changing the feelings associated with the memories and what I made them mean about me. I started seeing myself differently – it was painful and it felt very true.
 
After an EMDR session where my counselor helped me peel away the layers of a highly charged memory of a conversation with my daughter, a lightbulb struck!  For the first time I saw how I had changed my memories. The main emotion I had been swimming in with my memory before EMDR was shame. After EMDR, that feeling transformed to love for my daughter.  Suddenly I could see the real picture and I could feel being with my daughter in that heartfelt moment again. I felt proud of how I supported her during that conversation, and I deeply felt the love between us as we talked.
 
This is where I got curious. If I had changed my past, present, and future by changing my memories in a way that was hurting me, maybe I could harness that power to create a positive healing experience instead. When I retrieve memories now, I include loads of compassion and understanding so I don’t keep traumatizing myself. Compassion and understanding are keys to unlocking healing.
 
My new perspective has me thinking about the possibility of building a beautiful future. I don’t know what my future will look like yet, but opening to the possibility that it will be filled with love and fulfillment rather than being dominated by pain and loss is the first step to creating it.
 
It’s not about sidestepping the pain of the void left by my daughter’s physical absence from my life.  It’s about living with all that’s here and all that’s possible. I have an ache in my heart for my daughter and my life is beautiful because of my deep appreciation for every joyful experience and every moment with the people I love.
 
Want to hear more about this experience?  Listen to Heather's podcast here!  

Here's a meditation I recorded to go along with this post: Tending Your Heart.  Lean in.  You deserve your own tender care.  
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Heather Ross is the mother of a child who struggled with Substance Use Disorder, A Family Recovery Coach, Invitation to Change Certified, CRAFT trained, and the host of the popular podcast called Living with Your Child’s Addiction.

Heather offers a program for parents that is compassionate, family-centered, based on science, and teaches parents how to create their own peace of mind whether their child is in recovery or still using substances. She believes parents have more power than they realize and the best gift they can give their child is a healthy parent.

When Heather is not helping other parents, she enjoys spending time in nature with her dogs, going to sound baths on the beach, traveling, and creating beautiful memories with friends and family. 

You can find out more about Heather and her offerings by visiting Heather Ross Coaching.  
Here's Heather's free "A New Perspective about Enabling" 
​Listen to the Living with Your Child's Addiction Podcast
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Awareness, Recovery, & Retreat

10/14/2023

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August 31 is International Overdose Awareness Day - all around the world people gather to remember and honor the way too many lives lost to substance-related deaths.  We grieve.  We mourn.  We come together to hope for recovery for those still here. 

This year was my first from the perspective of having lost my son just 5 months earlier - 5 months to the day we cried over his casket to say our final goodbyes to his physical form.  When invited to speak at our local Scotty B Overdose Awareness Day (created by another mother in memory of her beloved son), I didn’t skip a beat as I replied to the full-body goosebump “Yes.”  I didn’t know why or even what I’d say, but I knew it was an authentic yes.  That morning I reached out to several people asking, “What do I even have to offer?  My son didn’t find recovery.  My son died.  How can I offer inspiration or hope?”  I cried.  Big tears.  Lots of tears. I received their encouragement and gathered my thoughts, pulling together a message intended to raise awareness, to share Nate’s story, what I’ve learned over the past 30 years, what I wish I had known, and an appeal for greater kindness and compassion for all people. 

My dear friend, a fellow angel mama, and I started the day at an Overdose Awareness Vigil in a part of the city where the need for compassionate, non-judgmental support and care is immense.  We sat in a circle with people in recovery, people in active use, family members, friends, and allies, and people at dire risk.  We shared pizza and memories of those lost.  We shared what called us to this circle that day.  We learned how to use Naloxone to save a life.  We learned about Overdose Prevention Centers and the critical need for them, and we shared space, time, and life.  It was beautiful.  Heart-touching.  Heart-wrenching, and heart-opening.

From there over to Scotty B Day where I met and visited with people in the recovery community - some of the most authentic, sensitive, creative, beautiful people in the world.  I shared table with my friend, the beautiful writer, Jennifer Collins.  In addition to selling my book, I had care bags to give away for those in need, along with Nate’s cards (which have his picture and the messages “I see you.  You matter.  You are not alone.”  and local resource numbers on them) and Never Use Alone cards.  I watched as one young man picked up Nate’s card and withered into a gut-punching, disbelieving gasp… “No, no, no… tell me it’s not true…”  He had been Nate’s neighbor in supportive housing.  “He was doing well…” his confusion voiced as he took in this news.  Yeah.  He was.  Until he wasn’t.  Awareness awakening. 

After I spoke (you can listen to the talk here), I had the beautiful opportunity to connect with so many open-hearted people.  Parents who wanted to know more about the Invitation to Change, who longed for a different way to be with their loved ones.  Parents who heard our story and committed to being with their young ones differently - to let them be who they are, whether they are 3, 9, 11, or 15.  Parents who had lost kids somewhat guiltily confessing, “I did the whole enabling thing…” because they had gone to their child, supported them, loved them.  I offered a reframe: “Sounds like you loved your kid.  There is no need to apologize for that.  Ever.”  Phew.  Exhale.  No need for shame.  You loved your child, as did I.  Let’s let the stories go, drop this all-too-common cultural narrative, and begin to heal around this loss.  Find our recovery.  Other people I met love people in active use, kids who are on the streets, at great risk; these people are doing what they can to love them well, to support them, while also taking care of themselves.  There’s room for it all.  Awareness. Connection.  You’re not alone.  One tiny moment at a time…it’s enough. 

It was a beautiful, encouraging, uplifting, devastating, heart-opening, heart-wrenching day.  I wobbled away from the podium, away from the space, and met up with my husband to celebrate, debrief, and cry.  I was wrung out and filled up all at once. 

The next day kicked off National Recovery Month.  And, I felt myself slide into a valley.  It had taken a ton of energy to prepare for Overdose Awareness Day, only a little over a month after Nate’s memorial service.  It was time for me to immerse deeply into my own recovery.  After putting myself out there, there was a natural reaction to pull back, go within, hunker down, and restore myself.  You might have experienced something similar in your own life.  Even as I continued to post support and encouragement for the recovery movement, for individual and family recovery, I was heading into a gentle crash and into my next phase of recovery. 

Here's what I know about recovery: it begins within and is a deeply personal journey.  As my friend, Chris’s shirt says, “Recovery is any Positive Action.”  It’s not clear, straightforward, or linear.  It is often painful and painstakingly hard.  Recovery can only be approached and managed one minute at a time.  It requires a leap of faith into the unknown, hoping that the effort will be worth it.  Recovery requires letting go of tried-and-true comfort and survival tactics to find new, less certain ways to be.  It calls us to look at past pain, to open our hearts to grieve what might have been as we lean into what’s here, and step toward what’s possible. 

Recovery calls us inward to reconnect with ourselves – our hearts, our spirits, to touch what’s true and to connect with what’s available to us.  Anything that requires a lot of energy, particularly emotional energy, will invite a period of respite and recovery afterwards.  Awareness.  Can we pay attention to the needs of our body, mind, heart, and spirit and find a way to honor that need? 

The first weeks after Overdose Awareness Day were very uncomfortable as I found myself confronting some dark, haunting questions: What if?  What if I had seen how desperately Nate was spiraling out of control and had insisted he come to dinner with us the night he dropped off the grid?  What if I had invited him to stay with us for the weekend the last time I last saw him, 6 days before he died? Would he still be here?  I suspect this is a natural grief response, grasping for what might have been different.  Not so much blame, but a desperate wish that I had known and had the chance to make different choices.  Recovery calls us to face our shadows in order to move forward, so I met myself there and sunk into the feelings and thoughts that swept through. 

After a couple of weeks in intentional recovery mode, I also added retreat into my life, packing up and getting away from home, from Rochester with all its ghosts and ghostly places.  First I headed off with my husband, Tom, to hole up in a hotel and sleep, read, and write some overdue cards, while he worked. 

Next, we headed off to a massive music festival  where we could easily get lost in the crowd in Louisville, Kentucky.  We savored an evening with Brandi Carlile (I just love her...sigh).  Total anonymity and shared love of a great artist held us in this musical escape.

Then Tom dropped me off at a rustic retreat center in the mountains of western North Carolina for a women’s retreat – my first big social space with mostly unknown women since Nate’s death.  I was welcomed with huge hugs from two loving women, soul sisters I’ve known for almost a decade, women who have answered the call to show up for this deep mama loss.  I found my way to my remote charming cabin by the creek and settled myself into it for a musty nap, the creek offering its gentle natural white noise.  And I bawled.  I let my tears soak my pillow.  I let my body shake as sobs moved through me.  In this quiet space of solitude, I let myself feel the fear of something happening to Tom, and felt the deep awareness of how desperately I need him to be ok, to be safe, to stay alive.  How much I need him.  Period. 

Eventually sleep found me, and after a refreshing rest, I was able to enter retreat tentatively, gingerly, dosing out bits of my current reality as I was able.  Giving myself the gift of my own deep attention and care – what did I need?  Feel? Want?  Following this inquiry, moment by moment, without expectation, without judgment.  Allowing space for the bereaved mother, the open-hearted dancer, the tearful singer, the curious writer, and all the bits of me to be present.  Allowing the silence to deepen my connection to myself.  I let myself be filled up, sharing space and energy with other women, each on her own journey, each in her own space, facing her own longings, fears, awakenings, awareness, and insights as retreat worked on us.  It was healing, cathartic, transformative, and I am deeply grateful for it all. 

As we cycle through life, when we can allow ourselves to follow Awareness, Recovery, and Retreat, we grow.  We evolve.  We let go.  We connect.  We become.  The next iteration of who we are in this moment of life emerges.  We open to what’s possible.  We face hard truths.  We heal.  And then we do it all over again.  Maybe this is all life asks of us.  
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Yes, and... Life is One Big Improv

8/14/2023

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I got together with a friend/teacher/mentor/coach the other day and I’m so glad I did.  As we sat outdoors, enjoying our coffee and lemonade, we talked for over 2 hours about life, death, struggle, and joy.  We shared our truths and our hearts.  So grateful for precious 1:1 time like this - real conversation, heartfelt connection and care for one another, true interest in what’s going on in each other’s worlds.  This man and I do not shy away from the hard topics.  We dive right in.  But we don’t wallow in the misery, by any means.  He also reminded me about joy and the ability to choose.
 
He reignited within me a desire for joy by sharing his commitment to only take on work that brings him joy.  Even in important, life-altering work, joy is possible.  Even with something as heavy as supporting people around substance use and recovery, joy is possible.  I want to work with people who are open to wonder, awe, delight, even in the hardest and heaviest of times.  No doubt watching a loved one struggle, fearing for their life, or losing them certainly are some of the hardest, scariest, heaviest times I’ve known. 

And yet, even after Nate’s death, there are turkeys in wildly unexpected places, owls everywhere, feathers dropping out of nowhere, song lyrics, people appearing out of the blue to amaze and delight us, to touch our hearts, to wake us up to the mystery beyond what our little human minds understand.  Even now he reminds me to be touched by the life we shared, the moments of joy and delight, the laughter, the not-so-serious times before things got so serious, and even the joy we found while they were very serious. 

I don’t need to carry the yoke of his death around my neck forever because the delights of life are also still available to me.  Wonder and awe are everywhere if my eyes are attuned to look for them.  Joy dances in my heart, waiting to be set free.  At a campfire, watching grown women blow bubbles, listening to heart-wrenching music with my sister while coyotes yip and yap in the nearby hedge, feeling both invigorated and a little terrified all at once.  Dancing and singing at a P!nk concert, surrounded by glitter, boas, pink tie-dye, and neon landscapes, holding my breath while she soars overhead, praying that cable and harness hold.  Taking in the early morning sun as it casts its light on the hills, on the lake.  Appreciating moments of silence, the stillness of this day.  The fact that I get another day.  That I get to have time with friends who are delightful rays of sunshine.  Getting to connect with one of Nate’s close friends, and being able to bake for her and get to know him through her heart and eyes.  Time for yoga, time to clean if and when I feel like it.  Making time to write and letting go of any rules I might have once held about what a blog should be.  All these things carry their own kind of miraculous wonder and awe. 

Yes, there is a lot of shit in the world.  A lot of angry, scared, exasperated, and aggressive people out there. I see them every time I hit the highway - their energy shouts at me from their window stickers and their rapid pole-positioning.  I see them online venting their frustrations and accusations.  People who are afraid act out; they try to control because too much feels out of control.  I get it. I’ve been there. 

And yet… music is still being made, gorgeous cakes are being baked and decorated, birds still sing, butterflies dance unaware of this craziness, campfire flames leap and kiss marshmallows to golden perfection, stories are shared, memories held, poems melt hearts, dreams ignite, and beauty  is everywhere. 

If only we slow down enough to notice, even when our hearts are broken, love and wonder, awe and delight are everywhere, available, waiting.  Each day, each moment offering a new beginning.  We do not need to buy into the story that life must be a slog.  We do not need to take on the “poor me” persona that comes when people know you’ve had a devastating loss, are facing a dire challenge, or are in treatment for a disease they’re calling fatal.  Hope can remain.  Miracles abound. Truly. 

Sometimes it’s a game to catch Nate’s signs and to simply delight in them.  I let him know I get it. I see him.  I hear him.  I feel it.  I laugh. I thank him. 

Life does not have to be a burden to bear.  Couples do not have to play out the sitcom roles of annoying and being annoyed with one another.  Workers do not have to surrender their joy for a job they hate, be available for it when they have nothing left to give or when they’re supposed to be done for the day.  No one is obligated to be on call all the time.  Turn off the damn phone and be present with the people right here, to this moment offering itself for your delight. 

We can take back the joy.  Even after the unimaginable has pierced our hearts.  Our hearts still long for love, laughter, excitement, delight.  They really, really do.  Don’t worry.  It doesn’t erase the pain or negate the loss.  But, living in endless suffering honors no one.  Living in constant fear serves no one.  Pushing beyond the point of exhaustion is good for no one.  So, bring on the joy.  Show up to life and embrace it wildly. 

Let life live through you.  Yes, I am broken hearted at the loss of my son, and still I get up each day and engage with life.  Yes, I wish he were still here and we had one more chance, and we don’t, so I choose how I will continue to live. 

Where can you find ways to say, “Yes, this bad thing has happened or is happening, and… still I will ____ (have fun, find delight, rest, create peace, etc., whatever is true for you).”  or “Yes, I do have this responsibility/commitment/obligation, and still I can_____________” 

​Where can you free yourself to live life a little less burdened and a little more playful?  Where can you get curious?  What opportunities might you give yourself?  Because one thing I now know for sure is that life is one big improv.  We don’t know what will be thrown our way, and so it’s up to us to choose, moment by moment how to respond.  How to engage.  
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Finding Stillness

4/11/2023

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Often, we move through the ocean of life as if we’re riding the surface - tossed around, bobbing and rocking with every wave.  We may be floating safely enough, but in this constant churning, we’re also thrown about by life, by people, responsibilities, and demands that pull on us.  We are tossed and turned - at the mercy of things outside of our control. 

Yet, beneath the crashing waves, the dark depths of the ocean offer a place of profound stillness, some distance from the surface turbulence.  Similarly, deep within each of us, at the core, there is stillness available.  The trick is to find it.  Once we’ve found it, we only need to return there, time and again. 

In this space, receive and allow yourself to be nourished and fed.  Life continues at its frenetic pace, but you can find your own agency within it.  In this space, feel both your separateness and your connection with others - not splitting off, but coexisting, maintaining your own steadiness, even in the waves.  We become fluid ourselves as we flow with life a bit more smoothly, grounded and solid in the knowing, the sensation of our own body.

In the Stillness
In the stillness
the answers come,
truths are unearthed,
promises remembered.
 
In the stillness
prayers are answered,
hearts are restored,
dreams fostered,
visions captured.
 
In the stillness
the oneness becomes clear,
connection to self deepens,
universal threads intertwine.
 
In the stillness
the magic lies
waiting for you to visit
and reside here,
for however many moments.
 
© Barb Klein, 2016, from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life
 
What do you think?  What does stillness offer you?  What might become possible or evident if you took the time to find some quiet, some space? 

Lao Tzu asks, “Do you have the patience to wait
                            Till your mind settles and the water is clear?
                            Can you remain unmoving
                            Till the right action arises by itself?”

Such a great and powerful reminder to get out of the chaotic spin, the tendency to react and jump into action without even having fully formed thoughts or ideas about what would be wise, skillful, or helpful to you, to the other, or to the situation. 

Patience - they say it’s a virtue, and I suppose that’s true.  Yet when we’re confronted with urgency, it can be terribly hard to access.  Taking a pause.  Finding our place of internal stillness helps. 

What helps us get to that rich place of stillness?  Pausing. Gathering ourselves up in our own loving presence.  Granting ourselves grace, stepping back, stepping away before needing to take any action at all.  Remembering that rarely anything good comes from the instantaneous fight, flight, freeze, or facade response. 

It’s far better to slow things down, find our bearings by finding ourselves in this moment - take stock through our senses.  Notice what we see, hear, smell, taste, and feel in this space.  Awareness anchors us into the present moment.  In that moment we can find and claim the stillness, remembering that even in a hurricane, there is the center of the storm, the eye that is relatively untouched by the raging winds.  When the storms of life are raging, take yourself to the eye.  Find yourself standing firm in the strength of who you are… not rigid, but strong and supple, able to bend and flow as the willow does.  Bending, but not breaking because you are allowing the storm to happen around you, choosing not to step into it or resist it. 

In the stillness, close your eyes, touch your heart, and ask the most important question: What do I need in this moment?  Allow yourself permission to ask, knowing that your needs matter.  Allow the answers to come.  Allow yourself to hear, even if it’s uncomfortable.  And then, from this grounded stance, begin to get curious about the ways you might be able to tend to whatever needs arise.  What could you try?  Who could you ask for help?  What can you let go of?  Is there anything here that is not yours?  What can you turn over to someone else or to God or the Universe?  Are you trying to carry too much?  What can you put down, dear one? 

In the stillness, take stock again.  What do you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell now?  Have your senses opened?  Perhaps now you hear the bird song that wasn’t there in the crashing waves of panic.  Maybe your eyes have softened to notice the yellow wren swinging on the feeder or the warmth of your lamp or even the light within the mostly grey sky. Maybe your heart and breath have slowed a bit.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  What’s true for you? 

The stillness offers us, invites us, into intimacy with our heart and soul.  The stillness washes over us, enveloping us like a warm bath.  The stillness opens our hearts and minds to fresh possibility - to see what wasn’t there before.  To try something maybe we’ve never done before.  Stillness offers spacious room to breathe, to stretch, to grow. 

Stillness reminds us we do not have to rush, and that when we let go of the rushing, we are far better equipped to face whatever challenges await.  It doesn’t take long for this medicine to work its magic.  For it’s not really magic at all.  It is the natural way of being - the essence of who we are.  All the outer busyness and craziness - that’s conditioning, learned behavior from our society.  The sense that we must be on or available all the time, that we must respond in an instant - that’s nonsense.  It makes no sense except when there is an immediate danger, which is fairly rare.

There’s almost always more time than we think, and if we allow ourselves even a few moments of pause, of quiet, of stillness, what will emerge is so much richer, wiser, skillful, effective, supportive, helpful.  So much more likely to be grounded in who we are and what we believe in.  So much more aligned with what really matters to us.  So much more likely to lead to fewer mistake and fewer regrets.

Let’s dive beneath the surface to tap into this deep anchoring of still, quiet nourishment.  Imagine what could be if we all did that a little more often.  Imagine a world grounded in stillness before action. 

Please enjoy Leah Kent's beautiful guided meditation, Anchored Stillness, as a support toward finding your own stillness in this moment.   Leah Kent is a book coach and author who helps wisdom keepers and visionaries write and publish transformational books about their work in the world. She’s the creator of the Wild Embodied Writing method, and the author of Awakening the Visionary Voice. To learn more, visit leahkent.net or connect with Leah on Instagram @leahkentco
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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
[email protected]