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Carrying Pain

2/19/2023

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Pain.  Fear.  Worry.  I’m noticing lots of us don’t know what to do with these very human, and very uncomfortable experiences.  Many of us have been conditioned to push through pain.  We don’t understand or don’t want to sit with it.  After all, we live in a culture that says things like, “No pain, no gain!” (Which, by the way I call bullshit on!). 

If we allow it, our pain informs us.  It tells us when something is wrong.  It lets us know we need some loving care.  It begs us to rest and regroup - to nurture ourselves until we’re ready to consider what to do. 

We all carry pain.  One of the elements of mindful self-compassion is common humanity, reminding us all humans suffer.  It’s part of our shared human experience, not a sign of weakness and not something that happens to you alone. 

I have found myself living with some really heavy pain mixed with a lot of fear lately.  At times I’ve found myself feeling flat and dull like a cardboard shirt liner.  Some days it’s a slog to simply do the next thing.  Other days I compartmentalize a bit and put the painful stuff aside to enjoy being with myself or with a friend.  One thing I know for sure is the more I’m able to express or share my pain, the less burdened I feel. 

When we try to carry it alone, giving it nowhere to go, no release, no expression, no tears or screams, it eats us up inside.  It comes out - always - just maybe not in a healthy way.  Sideways, misdirected, harmful. 

What Helps
​

What helps me in these times is to talk about it with someone who simply listens without trying to fix or advise.  It helps me to write about it.  It helps me to cry, even if the tears come from an unrelated song or movie.  It helps to get outdoors and look for beauty.  Because what’s scaring me is so outside my control, it helps to find what I can control - picking one small task and seeing it through (I’m talking super small, like getting a load of laundry through the dryer or wiping down one kitchen counter). 

I’m learning to be with my pain, and to not be with it alone.  Give it space.  Give it voice before its pressure builds up and blows, before I become so numb that I hide away and lose myself to the world. 

Where did we learn to believe we have to be OK all the time?  That it’s weak to admit we’re hurting or scared?  Maybe from parents who held it all together as they went through hard times.  Parents who did what they had to do to get through, who weren’t raised to talk about their sorrows or hardships and didn’t know how to care for themselves.  Maybe from a world that feels hard and harsh - a world that instructs us to hide our tears and “get over” our grief. 

                     Pain carried alone is like poison, slowly taking us down. 

What if we faced pain together?  

As we face our scary realities, I wonder what might happen if we can each let down our armor.  Maybe we can be afraid together.  Maybe in that fear, we can break through - maybe shared vulnerability will help us face what we need to in a realistic way.  Maybe.  Maybe if we trusted one another to be honest and open about what’s going on, we can face it together.  Maybe if we stopped pretending we’re OK, maybe if we’d open our hearts to one another, take a breath, slow down long enough to be really real, maybe then we’d get somewhere.  Stop pushing, stop running and let ourselves break down to break through. 

Maybe we need to stop jumping too quickly to problem-solving and let ourselves admit just how scared we are first.  Maybe we can admit we don’t know what’s coming or how things can change, and then uncover some fresh ideas.  What if we could learn from each other’s fears as we share our own?  Can we come together to find a way forward?  It seems worth a shot. 

Hurt people hurt people.  Let’s be people who are healing to help others heal.  It will take some time.  We have time.  It’s always better to slow things down than to try to operate from a place of reactivity.  Our pain and our problems deserve our time, our attention, our love, and our full presence.  Especially when things feel really dire.  In those moments, may we open our hearts to one another, let our whole selves come through, and come together to find our way on.    
 
To the One Who is Hurting
by Barb Klein
 
To you, Dear One,
                The one who’s not doing as well
                as you’d like the world to believe,
I see you
I feel for you
I know what it’s like -
                to armor up and soldier on
                to put on a smile when you feel empty inside
                to feel lost and alone, and oh, so scared
Where do you turn?
How do you let it out     
                so you don’t carry this unbearable weight
                alone?
Please let yourself let down
                some way, somewhere…
Please…
Don’t carry this alone. 
It will tear you up inside
And leave you as destroyed
                as the one you worry about.
Please, find someone -
                let someone walk by your side.
You don’t have to pretend to be OK.
Really.
In each of us there lies a secret pain -
                too big to let out, we fear,
                afraid it will take over the moment it’s revealed
You are not alone.
You are one of thousands of millions,
                pretending to be OK,
                shoving it down, this poisonous pain,
                burying it away,
                hurting and hurting and hurting some more.
Let it out.
Let someone in.
You do not have to carry this alone.
When pain is shared
                it becomes less heavy -
                perhaps.
Perhaps a new possibility might arise…
                if not, at least you can face it -
                together.
It’s too much for one person to bear, this poisonous pain.
I see you
I feel you
I’ve been there (just yesterday, in fact)
I wrap you in a love that reminds you -
                You do not suffer alone
Let’s carry this together
                as we step into this day,
Not pretending we’re OK 
It’s OK
We’ll go on and find our way
Somehow
Some way
We will get through another day
 
Gentle yourself in whatever way you need.  Rest when you need to. Know that pain doesn't have to be pushed through and that it's not weak to ask for help.  Cry.  Scream.  Write.  Whatever works for you to get out any pain you're holding.  Let it out, get it out so that it doesn't tear you up inside. Please offer yourself tons of grace.  Find your own version of what helps.  

And if, in this moment, you're feeling peaceful, relaxed and full of joy!  Great!! Soak that in - breathe it in to your bones so you remember you can find this feeling when you need it.  

As always, please meet yourself with kindness, gentleness, tenderness, and compassion.  And know that you are not alone. 

I offer you this meditation, In Painful Times, as a practice to support you.  

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Learning in the Tough Times

1/25/2023

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On a recent visit with my son in the hospital, taking in how serious things were, I did not hide my concern. It showed in the frown on my face and in the tears just waiting to be released. I held his hand and gazed at him…

He didn’t want to talk much about it, because he gets tired of so much focus on him and it.  So, he asked me, “How are you?”  “Concerned,” I answered, not wanting to dodge the seriousness of this time. 

“But, how are YOU?”  he pressed. OK, I'll play.  How AM I? 

It’s a great question, because of course how he is affects how I am, AND it’s not the whole of me.  It’s not my only answer.  At times (and these crises are some of those times), I am more consumed with him and his life than I’d like to be.  It can overshadow my life and take up most of my energy.  At times.  But not all the time. This reminds me of a piece I wrote years ago, “Can You Be OK Even When “Things” Aren’t?” 

So, I appreciated his invitation to reflect on myself.  To check in… I don’t know.  How am I?  How’s my body, mind, heart and soul?  It reminded me where I end and he begins.  I don’t have to morph into his (or anyone else’s) reality.  I get to have my own experience of life.  In this moment, we’re both ok.  That’s all I really know along with knowing I have no idea how long that will last. 

Since then, I’ve noticed how quickly my answer to this question changes.  Within any given 24 hours, my reality is vastly different from moment to moment.  Life moves and shifts and morphs constantly, and it’s up to me whether I keep myself stuck in any given place for longer than I need.  Sometimes when things come at us fast and furious, piling up one after the other, it doesn’t feel like a choice.  And maybe it isn’t in those times.  Maybe then all we can do is get through, somehow, to the other side. 

This morning as I write and consider this simple yet complex question of how I am, I’ll say, I’m tired.  I didn’t sleep well because I was too busy beating myself up for a good bit of the last 18 hours.  My stomach feels queasy.  My head aches because my brain has been way to busy mulling over, and over, and over the events I got myself caught up in yesterday.  I’m pissed at myself for ignoring (no, steam-rollering over) my intuition and gut as they screamed at me, “This isn’t right.  It makes no sense.”  I did it anyway. 

The “what” in this case has nothing to do with my son.  What it is isn’t important - let’s just say it’s one of those things that causes me to feel so many things… all bundled up in a big old ball of shame, embarrassment (I definitely should have known better), and self-flagellation.  Mired in the shitty shame spiral. 

I’m working to move through it.  What’s done is done.  I’ve done what I can to clean up the mess and try to prevent any further problems.  Turning toward what I did and taking responsibility was definitely step one.  It’s still bugging me.  I find I need to keep on talking myself through this.  Reminding myself.  That’s over.  You’ve done what you can, and now you just need to wait and see how it plays out.  There’s nothing more to do right now.  You, as much as anyone else, deserves your kindness and forgiveness.  Last night I offered myself a loving kindness blessing for peace, happiness, safety, health, and ease.  Then I inhaled “breathe in sleep” and exhaled “breathe out stress…” I guess it worked, at least for awhile - until I woke up again too early and my mind kicked into its incessant spin. 

This thing I did robbed me of too much time and energy yesterday.  I really don’t want it to continue weighing me down and interfering with things I need to and want to do.  I didn’t even do the dishes last night after being on a 100% roll for the past week.  When things like that start to slip, I know I’m in too deep to some kind of something that I need to get out of.  And I know that I’m the only one who can set me free.   

Why is it so hard to be kind, compassionate, and forgiving with ourselves?  Why do we latch onto these things that we’ve done wrong, tempted to have them forever define us as “a terrible person” or someone who never gets anything right?  Why do I have these struggles? I don’t know if you do or not! 

Today I get to choose.  Do I keep spinning and swimming in the muck, or do I continue to notice the bad feeling when it rises back up and move forward anyway?  I am choosing - to journal as a way to process all of this, to take a bath and try to imagine this ick washing down the drain, to sing some supportive songs, to go for a walk with my husband and talk about other things, to get on Zoom and write with my co-writing friends. I choose time to practice Tai Chi for Recovery with the amazing, Theresa Knorr - it's a great time to accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can!  Also, Tai Chi always helps me move emotions and energy and helps me to get grounded!  These choices are acts of self-kindness and self-compassion.  They let me know that I am going to show up for myself even when I am really not happy with me.  I don’t need to pile on punishment.  It really doesn’t help in any way.   
 

I choose to reassure my sister, who was deeper in the muck than I was, and encourage her to not let it steal any more of her joy either.  We’re human.  We make mistakes.  It was a big one.  But, no one died.  It’s fixable. And, at the same time, as I talk it through with her trying to help clean up more of the mess, I'm shaking.  The shock is still living inside my body.  We've beeen shaken by this scam... and it's hard to trust anyone or anything right now.  It feels like danger is lurking around every corner.  

What I’ve learned from all of this:

 #1 Do NOT override that inner knowing for anyone’s outside voice, no matter how much they plead.  Do not. 

#2 Slow things down and think it through before I act.  Talk it through with someone I trust if I’m not sure. 

#3 Do not get caught up in the seeming urgency of anything.  Unless there’s blood, fire, or someone is turning blue, there are few things that require immediate action - especially if they don’t make sense. 

#4 Do not act in a state of confusion.  Pause.  Walk away.  Breathe (we need that oxygen for intelligent thinking!).  Regroup.  Reground.  Come back and choose from a grounded place.  Will I still make mistakes or get things wrong?  Of course!  But, probably not in things like this. 

#5 When I F up, face it, deal with it, forgive myself (or at least consider forgiving myself), and move on.  Don’t let it continue to burden me unnecessarily for longer than needed. 

#6 Be kind to myself in all of this.  What would I say to someone I love who’s in my shoes right now?  Offer that same grace, gentleness, and compassion to me.  Remember my messy humanness, my predictable imperfection. 

#7 Let myself move through it, get over it.  It’s just one (very problematic and annoying) moment in the grand scheme of this life.  Look at all I’ve gotten through in the past.  I can get through this too.  In many ways, this is nothing! It will be ok.  Somehow it will be ok. 

#8 Remember how quickly things change.  Internally and externally.  This too will pass.  It’s passing even now, if I let it. 

#9 Call in Enchantment… ask her what more she has to offer me right now.  Here’s what she had to say, “Oh, baby girl, you can bring in gentleness, kindness, and care - always.  When you fall into beating yourself up, stop. Remember that.  Don’t let it spiral into 1500 things you’ve done wrong or let it make you a globally terrible person.  Just own the mistake, name the shame, regret, and anger you feel.  Let it move through you.  You don’t have to continue to carry it or let it darken one more moment.  Let it go.  Move on.  I love you. 

So, I ask you… How are YOU?  How do you deal with these moments in your life?  Or am I the only one who knows what I’m talking about?  If so, thanks for indulging me!  If not, I would love to hear how you get yourself through these tough times.  

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The Gift of Presence

12/29/2022

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This Christmas I had the opportunity to experience the gift that mere presence brings.  What’s possible when I shut my mouth and just listen.  Listen with an open heart and open mind, setting aside my own ideas and agendas. 

Presence like this opens doors, builds trust and safety in a way that allows others to come forward - to open up and give me an idea of what life is like for them, what is going on inside of their experience. 

When I stop nagging, badgering, interrogating, and lecturing (which, let’s be honest, NO ONE likes!  It is never helps connection or makes anything truly positive happen), love enters in.  Hearts open to one another.  We can relax into being together and be a little more real… 

It comes down to who I want to be and how I want to be.  This is where I have agency and choice. I am not pre-programmed or unable to control my own behavior and words.  Based on my values (what really matters most to me), based on my story of who I say I am, it’s up to me to do more than just pay lip service to what I say I’m all about. 

It’s up to me to actually BE the way I aspire to be.  I can also bring in lots of compassion and grace when I slip up (which I most certainly will!) - this is not about perfection.  It is about generous compassion for all. 

When I step back, silently, and allow myself to observe and see what’s going on, I might recognize the struggle someone is having.  I realize that it’s not their fault or choice.  They don’t choose to be in this struggle.  I can have compassion.  I can offer a calm presence for someone who’s feeling a little jangly to regulate with rather than adding to the angst or presenting something to fight against or feel bad about. 

I can simply offer my truly loving presence.  This allows me to hear how surprised someone is by how well they’re doing. I can hear the self-doubt that lives so close to the surface.  I can hear how little they believe in or trust themselves.  How they’re finding their way, tentatively beginning to form a new story.  Inviting, allowing them to soften to me - to trust that I am a safe place to land.  That I won’t use their admissions against them.

I can look for what’s going right, what there is to celebrate, rather than focus on what is missing or what could be.  I can follow the rhythm and flow of this group I’m with in this time… not impose my idealized story of what “should” be. 

Over the years I have ruined many special events for myself and others by letting my expectations or ideas of how things should be cloud the reality of what and who is here right now. 

I’m the one who still feels the pang of guilt over how ungraciously I responded to my sister’s massively generous gift of a handcrafted framed Holly Hobbie needlework (50 years ago!).  I was too young to appreciate what it meant for her to pour her heart, soul, and time into this beautiful piece just for me.  It wasn’t a toy. I was a brat.  And. I responded with the appropriate bratty pout for the rest of the day. 

I am the one who hit my friend, Steven. when he gave me a beautiful Breyer horse for my birthday.  The gift was more than I could bear.  Pretty sure that was the same year - 8-year-old me had some issues… 

I am the one who often feels let down after the holiday is over - the days and weeks of build-up falling hollow when everyone leaves.  Wanting more.  Wanting different.  Regret at what wasn’t. Disappointment. 

Not this year.  This year I chose differently. 

I reminded myself in my journaling and asked my husband to help me remember to appreciate what’s here.  I stayed present to the miracle we were given in being able to all be together for 2 nights and 3 days, sharing one house, sharing meals, visiting, talking, laughing till bedtime.  Wiggling through the tense moments but not blowing them up into more than they needed to be.  Staying kind even when I had to have an uncomfortable conversation.   Resting gradually in each other’s presence.  Honoring the rhythm and flow of this family.  Noticing when the “what should we DO now?” anxiety temporarily poked at me… allowing things to unfold organically rather than forcing a reading of The Grinch, a making of the gingerbread house (that is still waiting patiently in its box for when the right time), watching an old holiday show that no one but me enjoys.  Let that go.  Open to what they want.  Invite everyone into something new.  Just breathe.  Just be.  Play the kids’ Christmas music rather than my mom’s old playlist.  Be playful, lighthearted, enjoy.  Them.  For who they are.  As they are.  As we are.  In this moment. 

That way of being opened up something in me that still touches my heart.  I can almost cry as I soak in the deep appreciation for this precious time with my husband and grown sons.  There wasn’t anything too profound in our being together except that it was all profound.  To witness the initial discomfort and awkwardness melt away as we settled in to being together. To relax into noticing and allowing each of us to have our own unique ways and needs.  To hug, smile, laugh… to really stay in a place of appreciating what was, what is, what’s here, what’s true, what’s real, what’s good and wonderful.  Holding back judgment or inclination to offer unwelcome suggestions or unkind observations.  Allowing others to find their own way in life in their own time. 

Letting love guide the way, be the true foundation for our time together, for our life.  The generosity of presence is the truest gift we can offer another being. It is the greatest gift we can offer ourselves.  To listen deep within, to remember who we want to become in this next iteration, to show up to what we say we want to create with others, to be sincere in our efforts and digging in to show up in that way.  Not expecting it to be easy, perfect, or even comfortable, but allowing the unfolding. 
​
This Christmas I was given the gift of connection with my family, getting to know them in a way I had not before.  Together we created the gift of presence.  My heart remains full.  ❤


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Grappling with Life's Questions

11/8/2022

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PictureImage by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
Do I matter? Does my life matter?  What’s my purpose?  Am I doing enough?  What IS enough? Whether we say them out loud or not, many of us (myself definitely included) grapple with these questions from time to time or on a regular basis.  

Even though for many years I’ve held the mantra “No striving, driving, or pushing” and I truly feel the relief and freedom in claiming that, inside I still secretly berate myself for not being ambitious enough.  When I meet people who are DOING so many great things - big things that are changing the world, I unwittingly compare myself and come up short. Even when I'm choosing to not do too much!  Even when I'm happy with life as it is and not looking to grow or do more... 

I am reminded of my friend, Steve Aman’s question to me on the last day of Leadershape - a grueling few days in the Adirondacks challenging ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally in an arena that was not my strength.  There had been things I had opted out of (and then reluctantly and with a ton of support tried again).  There had been things that terrified me, things that amused me, things I was willing enough to try and others that were an absolute “Oh, hell no!” 

I was not going to scale a telephone pole, somehow find a way to stand on top of it and throw myself into space toward some acrobat bar.  I was not going to blindfold myself and walk forward (or backward as some did) on the high beam or across the broken swing bridge.  I did get myself to the wire and across it.  I did pair up with Michael and do the “Wild Woozy,” leaning into each other’s hands as we traversed wires that slowly drifted further and further apart so that the only thing holding us up was our weight leaning into each other’s hands.  And I DID rappel off the 80’ cliff (or 800’ - I honestly don’t remember!  I only knew it was a BIG number that terrified me), even after watching some pretty skillful people get caught upside down for a bit. 

So, on this last day there - a day designed for “play,” my dear friend Steve asked me, “Do you have anything left to prove?”  The answer was clear.  No, I did not… “Then go have fun,” he grinned and sent me on my way.  I could watch others perform their feats and cheer them on, but I had done enough.  I’d do the swing and scream my primal scream ‘cause that looked kind of fun… but, other than that, I was good. 

So, in life.  How do we know when we’ve done enough?  How do we reach a point of nothing more to prove?  Is it measured by a certain income or amount in our bank account or retirement fund?  Does it come from winning a certain award or working your way up to a particular title?  Is it the number of hours you work or the number of people you’ve served or the number of likes or views on your Instagram post?  Giving a TEDx talk?  Does it come after we’ve finally done or created “the thing?” We’ve written the book, created the program, given the talk, taught at THE place in THE room or on THE stage we’ve been aiming for… is that enough?  

It doesn’t seem it.  More often than not, people seem to turn around and start striving again for the next thing.  Sometimes they barely even acknowledge that accomplishment (no matter how huge) before shooting for the next. 

I’d like to share a little reflection I wrote about “Enough,” rising out of a beautiful conversation with my friend, Sharon Rosen, who told me of a beautiful Hebrew word, dayenu.  As Sharon explained it to me, dayenu means “it would have been enough.”  What a concept.  Something to rest into.  The way I want to live - so that when I die, I truly can feel “it was enough.” 

Enough
by Barb Klein
 
If I only did well with my own family, it would be enough.
If I only wrote this book for me, it would be enough.
If I’d only ever done what I’ve already done, it would have been enough.
If I could remember and believe this, I would believe I have nothing left to prove.  Nothing at all…
I am enough.  Exactly as I am.  What I’ve done - is enough.
 

Can I lean into my own enoughness?  Can I embrace it and simply live the rest of my life for me, tending to me?  Trusting that that will allow me to show up for others as a way that feels good, fills me, isn’t like the way anyone else is doing it? 

Can I let go of ideas of how things should go and allow them to unfold? 
Can I allow myself to be supported?
Can I be willing to ask for opportunities and for help to find these opportunities?
Focus on my own healing, growth, creativity, and let it lead where it may (or not).

It is enough. 
It will have been enough.
I feel the deep contentment in that.
 
It’s time to heal - to release all the grief I carry - to breathe in the pines.  To listen to the wind - to feel the breeze.
It’s enough.
 
Let go the rushing.
Let go the frenzy.

Let them have their fun - their antics - their way. 
You have yours and it is not theirs, most certainly.
You, my beloved, are enough, just as you are. 

If I never lost another pound,
built another muscle,
or walked another mile,
It would be enough. 
 
Nothing to push for, strive for, or drive for!
Those days are behind me.

There’s no goal I can achieve
that will make me any more me.
 
And that’s all I long to be -
Fully, wholeheartedly me!
 
We are such fascinating creatures with our stories of “I’m not enough!  I’m too much!  I have to do more! I have to keep going, doing, achieving, proving…”  Is any of it true?  Worth checking in on!  We are each whole, complete, and completely worthy just by being.  Our worth is not determined by anything outside of ourselves.  And we are the only ones who can decide for ourselves how much we want to do, how much we need to create, how much we need to serve, and what is enough. 
 
I invite you to check out Jen Louden’s wisdom on the Conditions of Enoughness and see how you might apply this in your own life.  YOU get to decide.  You get to define what is enough for you, based on your very real life.  You get to choose to lighten up a bit on yourself.  And to keep practicing, over and over, because this too, is a practice.  I’m working on it. 
 
Where can you lower the bar for yourself rather than continually raising it, raising it, raising it?  What can you rest into as “exactly enough?”  What are you striving for that you can relax about, let go of?  We are so hard on ourselves and so easily judgmental of what we have or haven’t done.  
 
Just for today… be gentle with yourself.  Just for today… let it be enough.  Whatever “it” is. 
 

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Love IS Tough!

8/1/2022

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PictureImage by Pexels from Pixabay
Whether it’s love for a child, partner, family member, friend, or ourselves.  Staying IN relationship is almost always harder than walking away.  Being willing to have the tough conversations, to admit our hurt or misunderstanding, to ask “what happened?  What did you experience?” and share what’s going on for us, however imperfectly the words might fall out of your mouth. 

Personally, I almost always bumble my words in real time.  They don’t come out nearly as coherently or smoothly as they sounded in my head when I am face to face with this person with whom I’m having some kind of struggle.  I didn’t grow up learning how to express my anger or hurt or how to ask for what I need. 

I grew up hiding from conflict, avoiding it like the plague.  Love and anger did not compute – in my mind they negated one another.  I couldn’t be angry with someone I loved.  If they were angry with me, that must mean our relationship is over.  Anger has always been a little scary for me – mine as well as others.  The silent treatment riles me up - I sometimes provoke just to get some kind of interaction going, even if it isn’t pretty. 

Love, my friends, is tough.  It’s so much easier (in some ways) to ice someone out, cut them off, be “done” with them.  Walk away and stop trying to mend what’s been damaged or heal the hurt. 
It takes effort to be willing to muddle through a conversation when both of you are hurting and/or upset.  As we learn to take good care of ourselves it can be hard to figure out how to do that AND stay in relationship, honoring that we both have needs and at times those needs might be in conflict. 
It takes learning new ways to wait and new ways to communicate in order to reconnect after there’s been a mishap.  It’s painful.  It’s often ugly, and may involve some tissues, some big sighs, some exasperated gestures or voices.  It’s tricky to stay out of defensive posture, hear the other person, while also sharing our thoughts and feelings. 

Self-compassion is also critical, as I tend to beat myself up, imagining what a terrible person I must be if this person I love is so upset.  I hate hurting people and would far rather blame myself than someone I love.  Self-love can be tough. 

If we are wise, we allow time and space for each person to think things through, to look at our own stuff, to feel what’s bubbling within us, before we try to come together.  However, in the silence, alone with our thoughts, we conjure up stories that may be far worse than what’s really going on.  Someone avoids us or doesn’t take our calls, and we give it all sorts of meanings.  How quickly we go from sadness and hurt to fear to “F@#& you!” depends on our own personal boiling point or how often we’ve been abandoned before. 

I do not believe in “tough love” as too often prescribed for families and friends of loved ones who struggle with mental health issues like substance use, eating disorders, or other problematic behaviors.  No, I don’t.  These people are already hurting and misunderstood enough.  Trust me, they pile onto their own suffering and adding to it is not going to help them heal or change.  Just, no. 

But I do know love is tough.  Hanging in there in a way that works for you as well as the other person is tough.  We fall in love with our babies and our partners so easily, we may not grasp the reality of the work and care required to stay in relationship with these people as we all grow and change. 

I am discovering the gift in the relationships that require extensive work.  Each time we make it through another round or problem, we deepen our connection.  We add to the evidence that we will last.  We learn to trust the relationship, and we remember (at least for a minute) not to take it or this person for granted. 

Love is tough.  It requires a willingness to be clumsy, a commitment to be honest, an ability to show up and speak up, even when it’s uncomfortable.  The ability to take a risk because the relationship matters.  It requires that we show up fully and authentically – not pretending that all is ok until we somehow get beyond whatever happened.  True friendships and deep relationships require honesty and for each of us to be true to ourselves.  I am not interested in superficial connections.  I want to dive deep with my people.  Diving deep is going to get messy at times. 

It's tough.  And in the end, it is so worth it.  As we grow together, we learn more about one another. If I can begin to look at you and really know and accept that your behaviors make sense (based on your history, your personality, your style, your way of thinking and being), I can more easily accept you and make room for our differences. I can appreciate that we are not the same, and that’s ok.  Hopefully you will learn a bit about my wounds, my triggers, my reactions, and my messed-up thinking as we talk things out.  We will both realize that everyone acts like an ass at times… including me and including you. 

I don’t have to take it all on.  Relationships are made up of people.  Whatever is going on here, we’ve created it together.  We may not have meant to – things are often not personal or intentional, but here we are. 

How do we find our way back to the surface to begin again? Together.  One moment and one breath at a time.  Through reaching out and asking or inviting a conversation.  Through allowing space and time for that green light moment to reveal itself.  Through finding “our way,” which may not be entirely yours or entirely mine.  Getting beyond a need to blame or punish – ourself or the other.  Remembering our heart connection and coming with deep compassion and an open heart so that we can reconnect. 

Love is tough.   It’s not always sunshine and rainbows.  It requires deep vulnerability, the courage to say “I am sorry. I was wrong.  I wish that hadn’t happened.  I don’t ever want to hurt you" (but I likely will if you stick around long enough, because, hey… I’m human and so are you). 

Love is not always laughter and joy, even when we think it should be.  Life is always happening, and in the end, love is tough...so it endures.  Love is the way.   

**PLEASE NOTE: Not all relationships are healthy or worth fighting for - if you are being abused in any way, please get the help and support you need to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe.**

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Boundaries... Tough, and So Critical!

6/16/2022

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Recently I’ve become really aware of my accumulated depletion from years of hyper-vigilance, and over-giving.  Certainly, this has been me for the few decades, since the time I was pregnant with my oldest son. 

Most likely it’s been me my whole life.  Even as a pretty young child, there was care-giving I had to do.  Always on alert, always doing what I could, working hard to make sure my people are safe, the household runs decently enough, friends are ok, clients well-cared for… carrying a lot of people and their needs in my head and heart. No doubt the stresses of our time is also weighing heavily on me. 

It’s like the fish in water who doesn’t know they’re swimming in water – I didn’t know or couldn’t see what I’ve been swimming in.  I have so many wonderful grounding practices, that mostly I do pretty well. I thought I was ok.  And, overall, I really AM OK!  I share all of this only to lay the background, not for anyone to worry about me – really. 

At the same time, it’s catching up with me, so I’m finding I need more space, more time, more quiet, more slowing down, more breathing room in order to return my nervous system to calm.  It’s not as calm as I’ve thought it was as often as I’ve thought it was.  And, so, enter the need for boundaries.   Boundaries do not come easily or naturally to me, but I’ve learned how vital they are to one’s well-being.


Enter boundaries

Enter the need for boundaries.   Boundaries do not come easily or naturally to me, but I’ve learned how vital they are to one’s well-being. I resonate with Brené Brown’s definition of boundaries as “what’s ok and what’s not ok.”  When we can be clear about this and communicate it to others, we actually strengthen relationship and clarify roles. 


Boundaries allow me to stay connected. They help me to preserve my energy and well-being. Without boundaries, I might need to pull away completely, shut down all together, and go into isolation, making connection impossible.

Boundaries bring me into integrity with what is true for me and allow me to honor what I really have to give. Without boundaries, I can easily over-give, over-extend, and burn myself out… That serves no one. Without boundaries I show up, but I am later exhausted or resentful… That gets in the way of relationship.

Boundaries allow you to trust me. You can count on me to say “yes” when I am available and “no” when I am not. You no longer have to worry or wonder about taking care of me. You can trust that I am taking care of myself.  Please know that even if I say “no” or “not now,” I still care.  I care enough to not give to you when I am not able to.I hope you understand, and I don’t need you to understand.

This isn’t about you.  It’s about integrity, truth, and honoring.  When I hold a boundary, I honor both you and me… even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.

Of course I want people to like me (don't we all?), but I am no longer willing to let that override my love for myself. For too many years I put others first and abandoned myself on a regular basis. This is not sustainable, healthy, or good for either one of us.

With boundaries, we can develop a strong and healthy relationship. I trust you to have other resources and to find your way even when I am not available. I believe in you which is why I don’t have to turn my world upside down to save you. I honor your wisdom, power, and ability to tap into whatever you need to get you through this moment. I know your well-being does not depend on me.

Please understand, I also know how hard it is when someone isn’t available for me when I really feel a need for connection and support.  This makes it hard for me to say no when I feel that need coming from you. 

And at the same time, I love, respect, and honor those who are able to say no to me even when I say “I could really use a friend…“  This happened once with one of my oldest and dearest friends.  It stung in the moment.  It was also painful for her, but she felt the truth of having nothing to give.  And, it taught me an invaluable lesson and modeled for me what’s possible.
 
Somehow, she knew that I would be OK even though I felt like I was falling apart in that moment. She knew that even if I didn’t find anyone else to talk to, I was able to be with myself and make it through the deeply painful and awful time.

Here I am…so, clearly, I did.  I will never forget that moment.  Not because of the pain I felt or because I was angry with my friend, but because she taught me that it is OK to be honest with yourself and with other people, even people you love deeply.  It is ok to say, “I don’t have it in me to give you what you need.  I don’t have the bandwidth.” Or, simply “No.  I’m not available.” 

And so, when I am not available, I trust you. I remember that I am not God or 911 and so I can’t expect myself to be the one to save you.  

Will I be there when I can?  Absolutely!  Will I give of myself generously when I’m filled up?  Without a doubt.  It’s who I am.  And yet, in this moment my own health and vitality depends on me saying yes to me.  Not splitting myself in two trying to honor me and others.  I must begin here, with this vessel, this heart, this being that needs my devotion and care. 

Boundaries are an Act of Radical Self-Care

Boundaries are an act of radical self-care. They take courage and awareness to set. They require us to be quiet enough to hear the inner wisdom that guides us.

Boundaries can feel awkward, clumsy, and imperfect as we begin to express them to others. We may worry how they are received until we learn to let go of that worry and begin to trust instead. If a relationship is based on over-giving, is this a relationship worth continuing? The relationships I want are with people who will understand and respect my right to take care of myself.

I’ve got a long and complicated relationship with boundaries. In the past I didn’t know what they were and had a hard time setting them or knowing what they should be. 

Boundaries are particularly important when you are in a care-giving role, personally or professionally.  If you’re someone people look to and lean into, they will naturally want your support, advice, wisdom, calm, or listening.  We owe it to ourselves (and to them) to be honest about our availability and our limits. 

Boundaries are about Respect – for Me and for You

Without respect for yourself, it’s nearly impossible to have or honor boundaries.  They help me to trust myself and to know that I have my own back.  To know that I will listen when I feel a reaction in my body that tells me yes or no, now, later, or, in fact, never.

Boundaries let you and I know what I can do and what I can’t do.  More accurately, what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do.  I have proven over the decades that I am more than capable of pushing through and doing more than is reasonable.

After 58 years on this planet, I am no longer willing to live that way.  I love and care about so many people.  I am pulled in so many directions.  I have so much and so many people and things weighing on my mind at any given moment.  I take these things on without even being asked.  It’s up to me to free myself.

It’s up to me to respect and love myself enough to take the risk to take a stand.  It’s up to me to draw a line in the sand and then to dance with that line moment to moment.  It’s up to me to learn how to ask the wise questions of myself, to give myself a pause, in order to hear my inner guidance and wisdom.  It’s up to me to take care of myself and not expect you to be able to read my mind.

Boundaries are about Compassion

If we are friends or family, I need to trust you and to trust our relationship - to know we will find our way through even when I say no or not now or I won’t.  Boundaries empower everyone.  They liberate us.  They do not have to be harsh.  In fact, honest boundaries allow for compassionate, honest conversation and communication.


In this short (and very worth your time to watch) video about boundaries, Brené Brown shares her shock at learning that the most compassionate people she interviewed were also the most boundaried! 

Boundaries allow me to honor my heart, soul, and energy.  Boundaries are about respect, trust, and integrity. They do not come easily or naturally, and I may forever be on a quest to learn how to do them better.  I’m willing to learn because so much depends upon it.

Because I know that my energy, time, and resources are limited, as are my days, I want to love open-heartedly and live as beautifully as possible.  With that in mind, boundaries are going to be critical or it’s going to get ugly.

Your Turn
  • What’s your experience with boundaries? 
  • When and why do you need them?
  • Are you comfortable setting them? 
  • How does it feel when someone holds one with you? 
  • Have you found a kind and compassionate way to communicate them? 
  • Do they feel important to you? 
  • Are you able and willing to flex with them as circumstances change? 

Please share with us!  We can learn so much from your insights and experiences!  

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"You'll Be Fine..."  "You Don't Know That!"

4/29/2022

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Seven years ago, I was scheduled for a needle biopsy.  I was scared, and we did not know what the results would show. I didn't care that this was a "routine procedure."  I was grateful that not too many people hit me with “You’ll be fine,” because that would have really pissed me off!  I was grateful there were people who listened and gave me space to be honest about my fear.  It would have felt like a lie in some ways for anyone to say “you’ll be fine.”  It would have felt dismissive.  It’s a form of toxic positivity.  A reflection of their discomfort with my discomfort. 

Here's a bit from a post I wrote at the time, “I Know a Woman:” (Hint: I was this woman)
“Right now this woman is having a mini-wakeup call – a small awakening to what could be a new reality for her body. She is so very grateful for the doctor and the people in her life who take time to listen, but don’t venture to offer the false reassurance, “You’ll be fine.” Because we don’t know.  We don’t know what they’ll find. So, please, she asks, let her be in the space of uncertainty, the space of unknowing.

Right now she has a lot of questions.  Does she put her life on hold? Hold her breath till she knows? How does she lovingly support herself through this time? Who can she lean on for support? Who are the people who are really able to be there for her, rather than needing her to comfort and reassure them that she will be “fine;” that it’s “nothing?”

I trust she will be fine one way or the other simply because of her peace, her trust, and her faith that she is living her life as it comes. She will be “fine” because she will face what comes to her with courage, with love, and with the same belief in possibility that she usually has.  And, at times “fine” might include tears, anger, and fear.

…This woman enters these next few weeks of uncertainty wanting to be very real about it, and with as much grace, dignity, and ease as she can muster. She will welcome all of the many feelings and thoughts that may dance through her days.”

How often do we find ourselves not knowing what to say when someone is scared, angry, grieving, or lost?  Blurting out things like “You’ll be fine.  You’ll get through this.  You’ve got this!”  Maybe we say these things because we’re afraid too. Or we want to smother the person in comfort, to take away their fear or pain as quickly as possible.  Or we want to cheerlead with a strong vote of confidence.
 
We mean well.  We care. We are not bad or insensitive people, and we probably haven’t been taught how to be with uncomfortable emotions.  We can do better.  Because these messages can leave people feeling even more alone, misunderstood.  Sometimes it’s better to do as my friend, Lori, says and take out the duct tape and zip it… just listen.  Say nothing.  Sometimes there are no words.

When someone you love is struggling or suffering, what would it be like to simply sit with them, allow them to feel what they’re feeling, let it be ok to admit that what’s coming is unknown and scary, and be uncomfortable together? 

How do you want people to show up for you in these moments of uncertainty? 

Brené Brown has a fantastic short video on Empathy.  “Empathy fuels connection.  Empathy is feeling with people,” she says.  And she highlights what a gift it is when we don’t need to try to make things better.   I highly recommend you take a few minutes right now to watch it and then think about bringing this into your way of being.  There are endless opportunities calling for empathy. 

This is what the #AtoZChallenge has me wondering about today.  What things have people said to you that you wish they hadn’t?  What’s been helpful instead?  What words or action fuel connection?  Which ones leave you feeling more alone? 
​
Want to read another blog about this? I think Kevin Thompson does a nice job in “You Don’t Know that I’ll Be Fine.”  


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L - Love Questions

4/14/2022

6 Comments

 
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What I am LOVING about this #AtoZChallenge is that it’s raising questions about topics I didn’t anticipate questioning… things like hope, kindness, and how we look at and feel about bodies.  I love that one friend and reader told me the posts are “like a cup of espresso.  They’re waking me up!”  She’s been willing to read critically and dive into her own thoughts about certain words and topics.  I couldn’t ask for any more than that! 

So, with that, let’s dive into some questions I have played with around the idea of love for several years now.  These questions change my experience of life and my way of being in it. 

Is Love available, even here?
First, from Sufi teacher and business coach, Mark Silver, “Is Love available, even here?”  This is a profound question to ask ourselves when we are facing desperate and painful times in our own lives or when we look at catastrophes in the world.  Is Love available, even here?  Can you find it, feel it, access it?  Might Love be at play even when times seem the bleakest? What’s the opportunity?
I recently talked with a friend who is grieving the dying of a beloved pet.  It hurts so deeply to let go of those we love so dearly.  And yet, we know that death is part of life.  The more we love, the more it will hurt.  So how might we use our alive time to honor walking alongside someone at the end of their life?

I suggested that there was a gift in knowing that the end is near (and also gave her permission to tell me to F off because I know it doesn’t feel like a gift in this moment)… that she has time to spend with this animal, to let it know all it’s meant to her, to do some ceremony around saying goodbye, even when she doesn’t want to say goodbye.  How can we weave love into our living days with those we love, whether the end is near or not? 

              '"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
​                      ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson


Loving someone who struggles with substance use disorder can lead to a chaotic existence…  there can be a lot of anger, blame, shame, and broken trust.  Things can get ugly and painful in a deeply wounding way.  Is Love available even here?  Even as relationships are torn apart, words spoken that can’t be taken back, and fear rules the day.  Can we remember the essence of this person, the bond that brought us together, and if it’s our child, the bond that runs deep and may be non-negotiable?  Can we find enough ground within ourselves and get enough support to bring Love to the situation?  Can we trust in a Divine Love surrounding us, even in the hardest moments? 

What does Love look like?
Through my journey with my son’s substance use disorder, I’ve struggled to find the Love many times, getting caught up in the human messiness more often than I’d like to admit.  I’ve also had to redefine what Love looks like, what love means, and what a loving mother is or does. 

We have ideas growing up (or at least I did) about these things.  In my case I believed a loving mother was kind, gentle, caring, nurturing, and never got angry… at anyone, but especially not at her children (anger was a “Wait til your father gets home” situation).  This was not a healthy foundation for me to step into the reality of parenting, and I am grateful for the counselor who early on challenged my belief that I would never get angry with my child and gave me permission for this very natural human response. 

Active addiction stirs up lots of anger along with exhaustion which is a recipe for disaster.  It can be hard to find or feel the love.  And, in the moments I get good support, care for myself, and have some practices to find my center, I can love my son in a different way.  I’ve learned that loving my young adult son is different from loving my baby or little boy, and that I can no longer mend all of his wounds or keep him safe.  I’ve learned that love shines through in clear boundaries communicated in a straightforward way, and that love also allows us not to be rigid.  When love enters in there is room to determine what feels right and doable in this moment.  Love doesn’t always say “yes,” but it doesn’t always have to say “no” either. 

When I am the loving mother I desire to be, I walk alongside my sons.  I see them for the beautiful people they are.  I listen to them and allow them to guide their own journeys.  I honor their uniqueness and that each of us have our own journey.  I take care of myself and know that my life is most certainly affected by theirs, but it is not determined by theirs.  I remember that there is love for them and also love for me, and that when I love and honor myself, I am better able to love and honor them.  I no longer believe that a good mother sacrifices herself for her kids.  I also love myself enough to allow for and expect imperfections along the way.

What would Love do?
Perhaps my favorite question of all, which I believe I first heard from Elizabeth Gilbert (but I can’t confirm because I often don’t remember for sure), is “What would Love (with a capital L) do?” 
Oh, man! Such a great question!  And, here’s why… because what Love would do is so often different than what my little pissed off, resentful, hurting human self would do.  Now Love still wouldn’t sacrifice me or encourage me to save someone else, because Love knows that’s not my job.  Love wouldn’t ask me to do more than is reasonable or to suffer abuse. 

However, Love would reach deep and find compassion.  Compassion would allow me to consider another person’s point of view.  Love helps me to see the humanity and soul of another being, no matter what I see on the surface.  Love helps me to show up to the world from a softer place. 
When Love is our intention, our guiding light, when Love is how we want to live in the world, how does that change our words, actions, and way of being with one another? 

So, I leave you to consider: Is Love available, even here?  What does Love look like?  And, What would Love do? 

What questions do you have about Love?  Please share in the comments!  I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts! 


A little musical inspiration for you - Love Wins

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Bodies, Bumps, and Bulges (Oh My!)

4/2/2022

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The questions that come up for me as I think about bodies and how we relate to our own and others are numerous…  Why are some bumps and bulges good (and to be highlighted, enhanced, pumped up, and shown off) and some bad (to be squeezed to death, hidden away in shame, or to feel embarrassed about or apologize for).

As I walked along the beach in Hilton Head, I took a scientific stance… observing and taking mental notes about this topic.  Please know these are not my own ideas or judgments, though I surely have been conditioned to believe some of them.

As I share them, I invite, beg, plead with you to question each and every one of them… let’s break these ideas and find a kinder, gentler way of compassion, acceptance, and appreciation!

But, from a simplistic observation, here’s what the common understandings and agreements seem to be:
  • boob bulges are good, show them off…
  • belly bulges (at least on women) bad,
  • butt bulges good – bring on the thongs and let those cheeks out!  (unless you’re old, and then, please get the skirt suit!)
  • thigh bulges gross, especially if they also happen to be dimply and then they should be suctioned
  • lip bulges good and maybe they should even be injected​
And, so I’m confused.  So much of this depends on age and gender identity.  Kid bellies are adorable!  Pregnant bellies are adorned and adored.  Guys can pat their beer bellies and chuckle…

Yet, most of the time, women better cover up any extra lumps or bulges.  Or squeeze the life out of them – have you ever tried these torture devices meant to contain a body that wants to flop around?  No thank you!

There are also cultural preferences. If I had been born in a different place and time, there are certainly other characteristics I’d be judged for and longing for.  Which would suggest there is no right or wrong body, wouldn’t it?  That maybe we could let go of these ideas of too big, too small, too grey, too wrinkly, saggy, or bulgy…  Wouldn’t that be amazing!?

And so, I find myself wondering… when did I learn to judge every bit of this body of mine and who taught me to hate the belly I now have and wish for the flat one that was here when I was 20.  Why do I think it’s reasonable to expect this body that has carried me for almost 6 decades, birthed and fed two babies and then cared for them as they grew, held the stress of the terrifying and uncertain times… to look like it did in the days of my youth? 

Who taught me the numbers on the scale would lead to a good or bad day?  That buying a pair of pants with a certain number on the tag was to be dreaded and avoided? That I should count calories or points?  Deprive myself or push myself to try to sculpt a certain desired (and possibly unattainable) shape? Think that I should look like the woman over there who’s built entirely different from me?  Believe that she’s more desirable because she fits some preconceived norm?

What would it be like to truly act in a loving and kind way toward this body that is the only one I have in its current iteration?  What would it be like to not look at myself in the mirror or in a photo and name something that I hate about so many bits of me?  What would it be like to move through a day without excessive thoughts about how I look or how others see me, about what or how much I should or shouldn’t eat?

What if, instead, we could honor the body that we have.  The one that’s lived through whatever it’s lived through in this life?  What if, we could accept that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and appreciate this diversity among us? 

I recently joined an Intuitive Eating program and was horrified to see how often my thoughts go to food, body, or weight, more often than not in an unkind and judgmental way.  I am not a person who has gone from diet to diet throughout my life or who deprives myself of the pleasure of the food I enjoy. BUT, what I have noticed is the pervasive thoughts that I should be doing it differently.  Even as I’m eating something delicious, the narrative, “Oh, you’re being BAD” is running…

In this moment, I’m really not liking what I see when I look in the mirror or what I feel when I put on my clothes.  Not usually a fan of “fake it til you make it,” I’m trying to do that with this idea of meeting myself where I am.  I’m even wearing a shirt that says “Be Kind” while the thoughts running through my mind are anything but.  And, I want to make some changes (but clearly not badly enough).  I want to do that from a kind place, with gentleness and compassion.  Harsh and cruel aren’t the way. 

I find myself now in a place of simply trying to be ok with the body I have so that I can work with it.  Trying to establish a genuinely trusting and loving relationship with this vessel that houses me so that I can know when it’s hungry or full, what will truly be nourishing in this moment.  When it needs rest and when it needs to move.  What works for it, today, in this reality of who I am? 

It’s not easy in a world where the cultural messaging is strong and omnipresent… and damaging.  Ideas about body image are intense, and they keep us from liking or loving ourselves.  They lead us to do things to our bodies that are harmful. 

Going back to my A post about Answers – I wish someone had taught each of us to find our own way, to be ok with who we are, and to respect the differences among us. 

Are you at peace with your body?  

If so, I’m really happy for you!  Please let us know how you’ve gotten to this point.  How have you worked with your mind and heart along the way to feel ok, good, or great about how you look and feel?  I’m very much a novice and work in progress in this area. 

I’m going to begin with sending loving kindness to each part of my body, intentionally appreciating them for what they do for me… these (big) feet and legs for carrying me through my days, this (big) belly for housing all the digestive organs that nourish and fuel me, that brought two babies into this world, …

OK, OK, that was a rough start… I’ll go back and take out the judgment and begin again with a genuine loving offering to my feet, my legs, my heart, my internal organs, my brain, arms, and hands, my eyes and ears… there are so many miracles here.  Let me pause to appreciate that just for a minute.  Seriously… 
Here's a recording to Loving Kindness for the Body meditation if you'd like to join me. 

This post sent me into quite a spiral after writing it.  How about you?  What does it bring up?  Share in the comments below and let's learn and grow together!  #AtoZchallenge

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Forgetting How to Hurry

3/21/2022

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Transitioning, Adjusting, Reflecting…
 
We got back home last Monday evening, and I wanted to share with you some reflections as I'm slowly transitioning from what life has been like for the past 2 ½ months into “typical home life.”  It's kind of fascinating to witness myself as if looking in from the outside. I've lived in this house for 4 ½ years and in this area most of my life, and yet I feel as if I'm meeting myself here anew this week.  
 
Since January I've had no appointments to drive to, no people to connect with in person, and lots and lots of 1:1 time with Tom (my hubby). We've both worked virtually during that time - I have met with clients and participated in a number of trainings and professional development, but there's something different about getting back from the beach or out of the shower in time for a phone or Zoom call than having to get in a car to drive somewhere.  Also, I have only driven about 5 times in the past 10 weeks!  Life has had a sweet and simple rhythm and flow.  
 
Now I'm moving back into our more typical way of being… as soon as we got home, I had to rush to eat my supper while Tom unloaded the car before I jumped into a 4 hour training.  Our drifting into our own little worlds was already underway.  
 
He brought all the stuff in and, exhausted from two full days of travel, we both agreed to leave bags and boxes to be dealt with later.  I did notice how much easier it is to unpack and settle into the rental home than it is to unpack and settle back into our own space. In part because I have to fit all the traveling stuff into all the other stuff that's here.  I have been very struck by a sense of “too much stuff…”  Going into a rental condo is different - in that scenario we are adding ourselves into the space, finding places to make it our own, to create comfort and flow.   
 
Forgetting How to Hurry…
By bedtime I couldn't sleep because my mind was still stirring and my body was uncomfortable and there was noise that disrupted me.   I didn't sleep well and I woke up the next morning needing to get ready for a 10:30 appointment.  As I began my preparations I recognized that I had forgotten how to hurry.  That was both delightful (and something I want to remember to forget) and a little concerning because I did actually have to drive 30 minutes to get to my chiropractor.  
 
Following the Heart and Soul…
Thankfully I moved quickly enough while still at a pace that worked for me to make it on time.  In the waiting room I ran into a friend who told me how she and her husband had fairly rapidly followed a long-time dream and were moving to Florida!  After starting to look at properties, within a month they had found and bought a house that meets both of their needs and desires, sold theirs (within 5 days after 60+ showings and 30+ offers…for a lot more money than asking price) and things are coming together beautifully.  
 
Seeing her joy and sense of freedom reminded me what it's like to follow the call of the heart and soul!  It's how I left my job and started my practice, how we ended up here in this house on the water, and how we've now wintered down South for 3 years!  It seems that sometimes when you say “yes” and genuinely feel all in,  there's a whoosh of energy that gets things flowing.  It's not magic, but it certainly can be magical!  It was nice to feel that in her and to share in her celebration!  
 
Perspective and compassion
You might remember me griping about the “yelling people” downstairs who were definitely adding some stress and angst to our days and nights in Hilton Head.  When we left I wrote a card to mail to them and resisted the temptation to be snarky or mean.  Instead I simply offered them an anonymous loving kindness wish: “May you be peaceful.  May you be happy. May you be safe.  May you be healthy.  May you live with ease" along with an invitation to embrace the beautiful moments in this new day.  I'm not sure why I felt called to do that, but I did.  Seeing this young family with 3 or 4 little ones crammed into such a small space did give me some compassion and I knew I had no idea what was going on in their life.  
 
I had mentioned to our hosts that we might not be back because of the frequent yelling and screaming.   Our host checked into the situation and discovered that this family were relatives of the owners who were staying there because they were unable to return to their home in Guatemala due to Covid restrictions.  Whew… that could add a certain level of stress, couldn't it!?  So glad I had sent loving kindness and not nastiness!
 
Just a good reminder that we never know what other people are going through and that extending love and compassion is always the best choice.  
 
Transitioning and Adjusting
My whole being is happier and more relaxed when there is sunshine and warmth, so coming back to this grey bleak time of year is a little tough. I am very much appreciating a friend's picture posts of her trip to Hawaii and can feel the longing in my own soul for that vibrant color of flowers and water.  I've lived here mostly forever, but each year I find myself less and less tolerant of the cold and grey (hence the whole wintering away!).  
 
As I move through the house, I'm finding myself having to pause and remember where are the glasses?  where do I put these clothes?  What DO I eat for breakfast in the cooler weather?  And I'm also assessing as I put things away, “Do you deserve to take up precious space in this little home?”  I'm throwing things away and gathering clothes to donate. I can feel a strong desire for Spring cleaning and purging!  I even organized the junk drawer in the bathroom and cleaned the shelves in the cabinet before unpacking and adding in what has come back with us.  
 
Even though I am back home, it's an adjustment.  Even though we are always in transition, these moments feel particularly clunky as I settle back in. I am meeting myself where I am in this moment, gently, carefully discerning with each appointment, are you someone I want to continue to work with?  Do I need appointments as often as I did before?  What feels right to me in this season of my life?  
 
As I feel the “too muchness” in so many ways and the longing for spaciousness, for color, fresh air, and sunshine, for slowing down,  I am choosing carefully how to spend my time.  For instance, this evening I chose a walk with Tom over joining a group I love on Zoom  - my soul just needed to get out there on this 62 degree day when the sun was out!  Rhythms and routines are different here. We're finding our way.  The kindness I promised myself this week is to not overwhelm my schedule and to unpack slowly and gradually while I also tend to the things that have to get done. 
 
Good thing I forgot how to hurry!  I am going to do my best to hold onto that. I look forward to less frenzy and more flow.  (We listened to a great podcast on our drive home with Brene Brown and Dr. Shawn Ginwright which touches on this idea - you can listen to that here if you'd like) 
 
And I offer you this poem, which has sometimes been used to pressure people to do more.  I think actually the real intent and invitation is to do less…  “to be idle and blessed,"… to not miss the simple pleasures and delights of an ordinary day.  
 
The Summer Day
by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
 
This week's meditation is Forgetting How to Hurry, and it includes a reading of “The Rat Race” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life.  May it support you in taking a brief pause in your day. 
 
More thoughts (and still seeking your input)!  Blogging A-to-Z Challenge: 
Thank you to those who shared some ideas with me for this challenge!  I'm in! (I even bought the t-shirt so it's official!).   Every day in the month of April, except Sundays, I will post a theme-related blog based on the letter of the day. 
 
The working title for my theme is Question (Almost) Everything!  Inspired by Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved, I thought it might be fun to live into some questions – to look at our conditioning, the stories, actions, and beliefs we’ve bought into and why we do and say some of these things.  Who taught us to believe this, where and when did we pick up this idea, and what might we choose instead?  
 
What do you think?  What questions do you have that I might explore? What conditioning are you curious about?  What belief, cultural narrative, actions, or simple pithy sayings drive you crazy?  Send me a note and let me know, please!  I'll need some help coming up with something for every letter!  And for some letters I have multiple ideas, so if this goes well, who knows?  Could become an ongoing thing!  
 
The blogs will be posted on my blog and will only be emailed to people who choose to receive them. Thanks to those who have already subscribed to this special list.  Email me if you too would like to receive these A to Z posts!      
 

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com