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Mind Your Business

11/30/2022

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I’ve heard this said a number of ways from the not very nice “Mind your own business!” to a gentler reminder to “stay in your lane, in your boat, or in your hula hoop.”  I’ve come to take it as sage wisdom, not a harsh rebuke.  A “prescription for peace” as my friend and colleague, Joanne Richards, calls it. 

When we love someone with substance use disorder or other mental health issues, we can find ourselves in their business a lot.  They aren’t doing well.  Things don’t add up.  The stories we’re getting or what we’re observing don’t compute with what we’re being told, so we’re going to get to the bottom of it. But, can we, really?  We’re not in the other person’s head or life, so we won’t truly know what’s happening unless they share it with us.  We can only make up our own stories.  Stories which often lead to more wondering, more worrying, more distress. 

We can do this with friends and other loved ones too - they haven’t called or replied to a text.  What’s that mean?  Are they mad?  Did I do or say something wrong?  Are they ok?  What’s wrong?   People are complex, so we never know what may or may not have upset someone.  We don’t really know what’s going on for them unless we talk to them directly about it.  Our mind masterfully, effortlessly, and unknowingly dreams up disaster scenarios in the blink of an eye.

How do we know when we’re out of our business?

Here are some of the common ways we might find ourselves out of our business and into someone else’s. Read through with gentleness and without self-judgment.  Maybe some familiar to you too. Great!  You’ve just raised your awareness!  Now you get to choose what to do with that! 
  • Finding ourselves wrapped up in fear, struggle, and resentment. 
  • Spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about this other person.  Checking the phone for calls or texts or checking in with them repeatedly.  Monitoring their activity and whereabouts.  Believing you need to know what’s going on with them.  If you don’t hear from them, you worry if they’re all right.  
  • Lying in bed, mind drifting into sleuth mode trying to piece together bits of stories or observations to figure out what’s really going on (at least in a way that makes sense to the mind).  Looking for inconsistencies, trying to make sense of what’s unknown.  When we don’t know the truth of what’s real, we make up all kinds of stories so our mind has something to hold onto. 
  • Seeking answers to the unknown, forgetting that we can never really know the future.  
  • Losing sleep grasping for control in any way we can because things feel so out of control.  
  • Wandering throughout the day aimlessly during unscheduled times.  Unsure what to do, nervous energy carrying us from one thing to the next… doing a little of this and a little of that, but lacking the focus to dive deeply into any one thing for any length of time. 
  • Eating for comfort rather than for hunger or nourishment.  “Stress eating” is a real thing… and I am very, very good at it!  Eating our feelings… it happens!  
  • Connecting our sense of peace and well-being directly to someone else’s.  Unless they’re doing well, we can’t be either. 

How do you know when you’re out of your business and into someone else’s?  What are your clues?

Why does it matter?

This is particularly important for those of us with whom mental health is at play or substance use is in the field because chaos and frenzy can easily become the norm, and it can consume you. 

Finding ourselves out of our business matters because in those moments we are not honoring our peace and well-being.  We are sacrificing them to concerns that are out of our control.  We may be adding on to the suffering by beating ourselves up for doing this because “we know better.”  Knowing and doing are not the same thing, turns out!

Byron Katie talks about “your business, their business, and God’s business.”  Much of what we worry about falls in the latter 2 categories, so when we can rein it in and come back home to this being, to our business, we can relax a bit.  If we accept the reality of what we can control or even influence, we will see that it’s very little of our world.  Maybe then we can give up trying… In a really healthy way. 

When I find myself out of my own business and fretting about someone else I can actually say to myself, “OK, come back here… right here.  This breath, this body, this being” and feel myself relax into the true moment I’m in. 

What can you do differently?

Here are some ideas that have worked for me.  YOU are the expert on you.  See what resonates with you and what you might like to try.  What do you know to do but have lost track of or gotten out of the practice of doing? (It happens to all of us!)

Begin by shifting the focus back from the other person to yourself.  To your self-awareness, personal growth, to your peace, your joy, your desires, the core of who you are. 

Shift your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right or good in your life.  Recognize that this is not an either-or proposition.  We live within the whole of it.  There is always beauty and goodness to be found.

Find simple tasks that have a start and finish to them (or break larger tasks down into small chunks) - that sense of completion can be very satisfying. 

It takes practice to come back to ground, back to center, when you live in never-ending chaos.  To come home to yourself requires self-awareness in order to even know that you’ve left yourself.  It takes a willingness to break the cycle of spin. 

It takes a desire to honor your peace and well-being.  We say we value these things over and over, yet how often do we de-prioritize them in favor of something else, consciously or unconsciously?  How often do we push them away, choosing to swim in fear and despair instead?  How often do we forget that we really do have choices about our own behavior?  Where do we begin? 

Begin with a PAUSE.  You’ve likely heard me say this a million times, because this is the number one tool I know for getting grounded.  Take a breath.  Take a step back.  Observe yourself - what are you doing?  Where is your mind going?  Get into your body and feel your breath moving in and out of you. 

Rather than push away the worrisome thoughts and feelings, allow them to be there (they’re here anyway, and we really can’t stop them from coming).  Meet them gently, with love, with understanding, with compassion and care.  Feelings come whether they make sense or not.  The thoughts you have probably do make sense, especially if past history has shown you what could happen.  When we stop fighting with them or beating ourselves up for having them, they may just dissolve on their own.  Likely they will at least soften.  Put your hand on your heart or give yourself a gentle hug and just tend to your own precious being.

Also, get curious.  Question your thoughts - are you certain that they’re true?  What happens for you when you let go of or stop repeating a distressing story?  When you stop spinning it over and over in your mind or telling it to others?  Notice what you feel in your body, heart, and mind.  What’s different in your energy and presence?

Once you catch yourself solidly in someone else’s business, find the practices that support you in disengaging and realigning with your true self, getting solid within your core. 

How can you give yourself a break?  How might you take some time and space away, for yourself?  Putting the phone on Do Not Disturb, turning it off, or putting it away is one of the greatest things we can do for our own mental health these days.  This little device can pull us out of the present more quickly than anything I know.  It breaks connection with the person right in front of you (even having your silent phone out can do that - if it pings or chimes even more so). For more on that, check out Omega's article, "Put Down Your Device & Pick Up Your Life." 

Also, if and when it makes sense, connect.  Reach out.  Listen to what’s up for the other person.  You can share your concerns if there’s an opportunity to do so in a loving (non-lecturing) way, but it may be more valuable just to get together and listen, really listen. 

Give yourself time for your own nourishment and nurturing. Are you eating in a way that truly feeds you, body, mind, and spirit?  Are you getting the sleep you need?  Drinking enough water?  These are some of the basics, so start there. 

Then, stretch a bit… when was the last time you just let yourself have fun?  Played for no reason at all?  Laughed out loud so hard you thought you’d pee your pants?  Lazed around doing whatever you wanted for more than 5 minutes, without guilt or apology? 

Nourishing our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits is a worthwhile endeavor.   Unless and until we take care of ourselves, we’re going to keep showing up to life in a way we don’t like - frenzied, frantic, scared, angry, yelling… 

Tune in to who you want to be and how you want to be, especially in this relationship. Do what you can to reconnect with that version of you.  

Send out a prayer or light a candle for a person you love who you’re concerned about.  Send love out through the airwaves - this fills you both up with this beautiful energy. 

Send loving texts of support and don’t wait for or even expect a reply.  Stop asking questions you don’t really want the answers to or won’t believe anyway. 

Breathe and ease up.  Consider that things might be ok (because maybe they really are).  Let go of being the 911 operator, and maybe don’t be available for all the crises when they arrive.  Stop being the one who thinks they have to connect all the dots. 

Continue to learn and practice healthier, more effective, more intentional ways of being.  Allow yourself to be imperfect and awkward as you try out things that might not come naturally.  Discover the payoff for yourself. 

What if?

What if things are working out in a way you can’t see or imagine?  They might be.  Isn’t it as possible as the disaster scenarios the mind so skillfully devises? 

Permission to hope, to dream, and to remember that miracles happen all the time.  You’ve heard the stories.  Why couldn’t they be true for you or your loved one? 

Remember to catch moments and appreciate the beauty that they offer.  Lean into enchantment over fear.  Rest into good enough and stop doing too much.  Gentle yourself through the hard times.  Remember, you are most worthy of your own love.  And know that you are most certainly not alone in the struggles. 

Thoughts? 

How does this land with you? What are the ways you get back to your own business, your own center when life pulls you off?  Please share in the comments.  We learn together.  We grow together.  We find new ways when offered a fresh perspective.  

And, if you would like to join Joanne Richards for her next (free program) Prescription for Peace on Saturday, December 10th, please register here.  I find her offerings invaluable, and will be there!  Maybe I'll see you!  Who couldn't use a little more peace at this time of year?  

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3 Reasons to Retreat

6/10/2018

1 Comment

 
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​There was a day when I didn't know about retreats and how powerful they are and what a critical piece of my well-being they would become  I imagine there are others out there who also wonder... who haven't yet discovered the magic of retreat.  So, I'd like to share with you just a few great reasons to give yourself the gift of retreat, for however long you may take or in whatever form!  What are some of the benefits and why would anyone make the investment of time and energy to retreat for a bit? 

1. Get out of routine - there's great value in simply breaking the pattern of everyday life - of taking yourself out of your usual habits and routines.  By changing things up, we tap into wonder and curiosity about life.  We begin to open to new ideas, insights, and creativity. We open our eyes to new perspectives. We see new possibility that we hadn't considered before.  We lighten up, let go, and even have fun!!  When you break away from the daily routine, there is nothing to fix or figure out.  Your mind can truly rest.  Aaahhhh...  to me, that alone is worth the price of admission!  

2. Slow down - We live in a world where go, go, go, is the norm.  Demands are coming fast and furious and we find ourselves pulled in so many directions with no relief in sight.  Our pace is unsustainable and our to-do list never-ending.  But, we don't know how to stop sometimes.  This pace is taking a toll on our health and well-being.  When we slow down, we calm our mind and soothe the nervous system. Then we notice the beauty of nature, our own body, people in our world.  We have to step off the hamster wheel to be with these sweeter things.  

3. Quiet the outer noise -  Oh my goodness!  There is so much coming at us all the time - news, ads, social media, political banter... it's an endless onslaught of noise, opinions, and provocations.  You've noticed that, right?  Just taking a media break for a brief period of time is super healing and restorative.  Imagine room to breathe without your phone constantly pinging in your ear.  Step away and feel the sigh of relief and the sense of peace.  In this space we begin to listen to our hearts and souls and hear our own inner guidance.  

We don't need more intensity - the world brings plenty of that.  We don't need more things to do - we have more activities than we can keep up with already.  Retreat is designed to be restorative and nourishing.  

Why do you retreat? Please join the conversation in the comments and let us know!  Together we grow and learn!  


Does retreat sound good to you? If you like this sound of this and would love to join a circle of like-minded women who are ready for a little of this retreat sweetness, join us in the beautiful Poconos at the Himalayan Institute for Coming Home to Yourself: A Women's Renewal Retreat August 10-12. 

At my retreats, everything is an invitation.  You are free to rest as needed. Explore the 400 gorgeous acres as you commune with nature or give your body some movement among the trees and hills if that's your thing.  Gather in our circle around the campfire. Check out a yoga class or meditation session.  And, rest into a world of no expectation. 

I hold our retreat space as safe and sacred - in this space you need only show up for yourself.  You are free to participate in the way that's comfortable for you and you are free to share and listen knowing that this is a zone where these is no advising, no figuring out what anyone else "should" do, and no worry that anyone is going to tell you what you should do.  This is a place and space to deepen your connection with yourself and to learn to honor yourself more deeply than ever before.  

Questions?  Let me know!  Know someone who would love this?  Please share this with them!  And, if you're ready to jump onboard, you can register here! 

"A women's retreat springs from and is about stepping out of your ordinary existence to listen and attune to your truest, most authentic self...  It is setting apart time to tend the hearth of your inner life, feed your muse, reclaim your dreams."  ~ Jennifer Louden, The Women's Retreat Book

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Can You be OK, Even When “Things” Aren’t? 

5/3/2016

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​Life happens.  And, let’s face it, life’s happenings aren’t always pleasant, fun, or even comfortable. Sometimes, life’s happenings are painful, unpleasant, or un-fun.  If we’re honest, they are always uncertain.  

I was asked recently, “How are things?” and I found myself pausing and answering another question.  My reply: “I’m doing really well.”  Because “things” right now are very uncertain, sad, scary, and bordering on crisis.  I didn’t want to focus there.  

Instead, I wanted to focus on the strength, calm, clarity, and courage I have cultivated and drawn on, even in the midst of such troubling times and “things.”  

How often do we find ourselves swept away by the story of the chaos, the confusion, the drama, and other people’s stuff, unable to find our own footing and ground in the middle of all of that?  It happens quickly and easily, often without any warning or time for us to notice. It happens to all of us, and it can take us down quickly and deeply.  

Or, we can catch our breath, take a look around and remember that we are not victims of our circumstances.  We can notice what’s real for us, feel what we feel, let that be OK, and still choose whether WE are OK or not.  And if we’re not ok right now, can we let that be OK for now?  If we’re not OK, how long will we stay in that space?  Maybe we have no idea, and we simply choose to take things one moment, one breath at a time.  

We will choose whether this instance will empower us, emboldening us to reclaim our stand, set boundaries to honor ourselves, or not.  We will choose whether to be caught up in someone else’s net or to find a way to stand beside them or far away from them so that we can stand our own ground. 

Sometimes it doesn’t seem possible or even right to be OK when someone we love is suffering or struggling.  We have a preconceived notion that a “good mother” or a “good friend” or “good partner, community member daughter, son”… (fill in the b
lank) should not feel OK if someone else does not. 

But, when you think about it, the best thing you can do for everyone is build up your own reserves, take really good care of yourself, find the truth and integrity that comes from knowing your own needs and honoring them the best way you can.  Only then can you possibly show up to love or support another.  Only by being there for yourself first, by finding a way to be “OK” (whatever that looks or feels like in that moment – for it will surely change) can you have anything available to give to another.  

As they say, “Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.”  And, choose to be OK, even when things aren’t.  They often aren’t and we often miss out on life we don’t need to miss out on wishing and hoping and waiting for “things” to change, rather than changing ourselves and how we show up.  
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The Power of Gratitude

11/26/2015

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It was natural for me to think of all of you today and to be inspired to sit down and write a quick note to you.  I am so very grateful for those of you who support me in doing the work that so fills my heart and soul with purpose.  You inspire me, and I am grateful for that.  I learn from you and I am driven to become a better me because of you.  So, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being a part of my world. 

It’s Thanksgiving here in America, a day when we are reminded to be thankful.  It’s a day when many do take a moment to pause and reflect on what it is that we are grateful for, and that’s a beautiful thing.  But, what’s even more beautiful is when we incorporate gratitude into our everyday living.  When we can find gratitude for small things we can truly change our attitude and our state of wellbeing.  For me that cute bulldog puppy in the grocery store parking lot who made me smile this morning was one of those small things.  Today I also really appreciated the yoga teachers who were offering donation-based practices, giving of their time to be of service to our community.  I am grateful that my husband is raking out our gardens and preparing them for the winter ahead. I’m grateful for a couple of days of warmth that are here so that I can put my Christmas lights up with comfort.  And, I am grateful for my family that is with me today, even as I miss those I love who aren’t here now.  

There have been a lot of posts out recently about the power and health benefits of gratitude, and I encourage you to search them out if you’d like to know more.  I’m here to share my personal experience with the power of a daily gratitude practice.  
Most days I post what I am grateful for that day on my Facebook page – sometimes in the morning, but usually in the evening as I reflect back on my day.  And this might make my life look great and throw me into that unloved group of people called the “better thans” (or something like that – people who give the impression that their lives are so much better than yours).  That’s not my intention at all, and sometimes I include gratitude for the sadness or grumpiness I’ve felt that day and for my ability to be with it or to let it pass.  I’m always grateful when I’ve been able to find gratitude on a day when it’s really hard.  And, for me, that’s one of the most powerful aspects of this practice – it helps me to shift my perspective from “That was a really cra
ppy day” to, “Yes, I’m having a really tough time right now AND I can still find things to be grateful for."

I am striving to welcome all aspects of the full richness of life into my experience, because this is real, and being real is really important to me.  Life is full of ups and downs, shadow and light, joy and sorrow for ALL of us.  To fully live life means to allow what is here to exist, to not always be wishing for something other than what we are living in this moment, and to remember that everything is in a state of flow and transition.  

Whatever we are feeling right now won’t last forever, whether we perceive it to be “good” or “bad.” So to be able to breathe in to the here and now, to notice it and welcome it in, whether it’s really joyful or peaceful or extremely painful or uncomfortable, is a valuable practice.  This noticing and welcoming helps me to get back into a flow with life.  Often times when I am suffering I notice that it’s because I am resisting some aspect of my life, wishing it were different, wanting something else, something I may never have.  Also, I don’t want to miss out on truly appreciating and soaking in the sweetness of a particular day. 

So, to find a way to be grateful even when life doesn’t look the way I’d like it to, even when my heart is really heavy and I’m feeling very sad and afraid has helped me to keep on going.  It helps me notice and remember all that is in my life, and it helps me to slow down and be present.  It allows me to find and create joy and peace and to have those coexist with sadness and loss.  It’s not an all or nothing world – there’s room for it all.    
 
My invitation to you is to find a way to incorporate gratitude into your daily life in whatever way works for you.  You could simply take a moment of quiet, close your eyes and silently reflect on what you feel grateful for in that moment and really feel the sensation in your body.  You might want to journal in the morning or evening (or any time in between) a list of a few things you’re grateful for.  I’ve found gratitude to be a really great way to begin my day and start it off with an intentionally different tone than it might have otherwise had, and it’s also a great way to send myself to bed and into a more peaceful sleep.  You might choose to send a quick note to people you appreciate, letting them know what it is you appreciate about them.  

Thoughts?  What ideas do you have for bringing gratitude in to your life? What have you found to work or what would you like to try?  Please let us know in the comments below – it’s through sharing that we all may grow and learn.  

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Disconnect to Connect: The Power of Retreat

4/13/2015

 
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In The Woman’s Retreat Book, Jennifer Louden states, “retreats are essential – to our minds, bodies, spirits.” I couldn’t agree more.  She goes on to quote Rabbi David Cooper from Silence, Simplicity, and Solitude as saying “The soul yearns to  be nourished, and if the reservoir begins to run low, we feel ourselves becoming dull, empty, brittle, and arid. If it sinks lower, we enter into states of angst, despair, and depression.”  Harsh truths, and yet they are truths I have found through my own experience with retreat. 

We live in a very busy world in a very busy time, and the tendency is to go and push until we burn out. We are caregivers and often forget to give gentle care to ourselves.  A retreat offers us a chance to nurture and nourish ourselves.  To rejuvenate and renew.  This is part of our growth cycle, and as we strive to be more and do more, always growing and expanding, ever busy, it is critical that we allow for this down time to restore ourselves.  Just as plants have a period of rest, so our physical bodies need rest in order to blossom into our fullest beauty, strong and vital. 

Our minds also need a rest.  In the space of a quiet mind we are able to tap into our heart center and hear the deeper messages of our heart and spirit. In this place we can listen to inspiration that is beyond what the mind can “figure out” in its usual state of busy-ness.  The deep wisdom of our spirit can speak to us when we slow down and take the time to tune in.

When I am on retreat I find a deeper sense of alignment with myself and my purpose. I gain inspiration in the form of new ideas, deep insight, and fresh energy. I have a restorative sense of peace and a calmer, more balanced state of mind.  All of this allows me to handle what life throws at me more smoothly.  It allows me to put into action the things I am called to do with greater ease, clarity, and confidence.  Having a stronger relationship with myself allows me to have better relationships with others.  Only when I honor myself can I hope to honor others. 

Sometimes retreats are seen as decadent, frivolous, or even selfish.  Nothing could be further from the truth. You are foundation of all that you are and do in the world. If you are depleted, how can you possibly support your family or give your all to your work? When you take time to give yourself the gift of renewal, you are able to show up for life and your many roles with a clear head, vibrant energy, and fresh ideas.  Try it for yourself! I invite you to join us for an upcoming Women's Self-Renewal Retreat. Take a weekend and let it be just for you.  If this doesn't work for you, then take a day or part of a day at home and declare a personal retreat. Turn off your phone, stay away from the computer, put up the “do not disturb” sign, close your eyes and sit mindfully or take a walk and listen.  Listen to your heart. Hear your soul. What do they want you to know? 



Peace... 

12/11/2014

1 Comment

 
Peace begins within.  At this time of year when it's easy to get entangled in the busy-ness all around us, it's important to remember that we can create and cultivate our own peace at any time.  Step back.  Take a breath. Slow down. Unplug.  Make time to get quiet and go within.  Journal, meditate, or simply take a short 20 minute nap. 

Finding ways to renew and restore ourselves is critical if we are going to be our best selves.  Too often we move at an unsustainable pace.  Far too often many of us make choices that are motivated by guilt or a desire to please others.

Peace comes from integrity and truth to self... not allowing ourselves to be trapped or bullied in any way.  This means listening to our heart and gut and not being guilted or shamed into doing things that just don't feel right to us. 

I feel at peace this morning and I reflect on ways that I have honored myself this week.  I have allowed myself to pause for a moment before giving an answer. And, in that pause I close my eyes and tune in to my inner wisdom.  Is this something that I want to do?  Will it fulfill me or will it drain me? Do I have time to do this or am I cramming too much in, which will leave me feeling stressed and harried? I have allowed myself to say "no" at times rather than to abandon myself. 

Great peace comes in these moments when we choose to honor ourselves.  I wish you peace at this beautiful time of year as you love yourself as you would your dearest friend.  Enjoy the moments and know that each day holds the promise of peace and joy if you are open to it.
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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!!    

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Inspired Possibility
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barb@inspiredpossibility.com