Inspired Possibility Blog

Less is More

11/9/2021

Photo Credit Renee Veniskey

Less is more... I know it's true and I feel the relief when I can actually let this idea guide me. And yet, I'm finding that after decades of efforting (and probably over-efforting many, many times), even when I don't think I'm doing or thinking or trying too much, I am. It really takes a lot for me to let down, to do less, to try less hard…

How have I been reminded? My body is showing me. It's coming through in chronic holding patterns in certain muscles that clench and grip all the time, even when they don't need to. It's coming through in tiredness from days that are booked too fully or that I simply fill with too many things and too many hours. It's coming through in carrying an excessive number of books and notebooks with me for short trips, thinking I'll get to way more than I do (and more than I even want to). It's reflected in mental fatigue when I think I can do too many things, accomplish too many tasks, finish too many projects in too little time! It lives in unrealistic expectations imposed upon myself that I would NEVER hold for another human being.

How might this idea that “less is more” be supportive and nourishing if it could truly be embodied and brought to life?

Well, for one, it would open up more space and time on the calendar, allowing for more breathing room, less stress, and more time to pause and relax.
It would come through in a body that feels less tight, less over-worked, less over-stressed, more rested, more open, more expansive.
It would be reflected in less clutter and more open space, fewer clothes overflowing closets and drawers, fewer books taking up every inch of shelf space and beyond (which would also lead to more breathing room and spaciousness).
Overall there would be a sense of trying less hard - less tension and effort in yoga and Tai Chi, and even in meditation. There would be a remembering there's no need or way to be perfect (especially with something that's new!).
It would come through in a more relaxed way of being in the world… letting go of any need to impress anyone or prove anything. Letting go of being the doer-of-all-things and the taker-carer-of-all-people.
There would be a sense of sweet simplicity, taking things one moment at a time - not multi-tasking, double-booking, or over-committing. This is a great time to year to be conscious about that!
There would be fewer programs paid for and never completed or feeling woefully behind in - pausing and discerning before following “bright shiny objects” everywhere would keep you cued in to what is really doable and what would truly be beneficial at this time in your life, given your current reality.
You'd find yourself not packing things too full - programs, PowerPoints, retreats, vacations, days… life!
Life would move at a sustainable pace and in a sustainable way. You could lower the bar on yourself - lessen unreasonable expectations.
You'd experience more lightness, ease, and joy, I believe! As there is less stress, angst, anxiety and worry, there's room for more openness, acceptance, wonder, and support.

What does it require?

Mindful awareness
Discernment
A willingness to resist temptation, the ability to say “no” and to be realistic
Pause (that pause… it's always so, so valuable)
Honesty, particularly with yourself
Gentleness and self-compassion

Of course, I offer all of this hypothetically speaking! I have only a vague idea what it really means to live from a “less is more” place, but I can certainly imagine the possibilities! I am willing to try it out more often!

Your invitation…
Take a few minutes to consider if “less is more” is something you'd like to experiment with in your life. Would it benefit you in any way? How and where might you begin to play with this idea, lightly, gently, and kindly? (no harsh taskmaster in a “less is more” world!).

Is there anything you need to give yourself permission for? A promise you want to make to yourself?

Play with these prompts, if you like:
I'd like less___________and more ___________
I will create less ________ and make room for more ______________
If less is more, what's possible?
Where would I like to begin?

This week's meditation, “Less is More," invites you to apply it to your practice - trying less hard, expecting less of yourself and of your practice.

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Mindful Self-Compassion - A Practice Worth Practicing

10/19/2021

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Mindful self-compassion may be one of the most important practices we can bring into our lives. Thankfully, for some reason self-compassion has been rising up repeatedly lately. I can be as harsh and judgmental with myself as anyone and can find myself wallowing in stories, stuck in “what I've done wrong,” “what I could have done differently,” or what I'm embarrassed or ashamed by. So I have been grateful to reconnect with the teachings of self-compassion which I first learned years ago in a workshop with Kristin Neff and Chris Germer, pioneers in the field. As I learned from them, there are three elements that make up self-compassion.

3 Elements of Mindful Self-Compassion:
1. Self-kindness - rather than ignoring our pain or beating ourselves up, we offer gentleness and the same tender loving care we would offer someone we love. We recognize that we are imperfect beings and allow for mistakes, failings, and flaws. We lovingly acknowledge the pain and suffering; rather than pushing it away or making it wrong, we offer comfort and nurturing.

2. Mindfulness - a way of being that allows us to be with our thoughts, feelings, and experiences without exaggerating or diminishing them, and without over-reacting or over-identifying with them. We maintain a little more objectivity as we become observers of this present moment. From a mindful place we are better able to respond rather than spin out in reactivity. We remember that we are not our feelings, we are not our actions, and we are most definitely not our stories. From this place we can see and be with what's here.

3. Common Humanity - We remember that all humans suffer and that others have felt the same way that we are feeling in a moment of pain. This alleviates the otherwise strong sense of isolation that says “I am the only one who's ever felt this way…” We remember the inherent messiness of life and of being human and we may feel a little less alone. Suffering is part of our shared human experience.

I've enjoyed several podcasts with Kristin Neff in the past couple of weeks (one that I liked for its simplicity was with Dan Harris on Ten Percent Happier). Through these talks I have been reminded that self-compassion is called for when there is suffering - it is a means to alleviate suffering. Not by letting ourselves off the hook or by excusing things we've done, but rather by acknowledging our humanity, which is messy and imperfect, and by offering compassion to that part of us that is hurting. We acknowledge the pain and suffering - we don't push it away. We see what has happened for what it is, without minimizing or exaggerating it.

Who Benefits from Self-Compassion?
Everyone benefits from self-compassion...those who practice it and those who are around them because it truly carries a positive ripple with it.

People who are especially sensitive, who feel deeply, care deeply, love with all their hearts, and walk around with an open heart, giving perhaps more than they have to give can especially benefit from these practices. Caregivers, helpers, nurturers, perfectionists. These are the people who carry the weight of the world, who feel responsible for everyone and everything, and who often forget to put their own care at the forefront. They could really use a good dose of self-compassion.

Why Practice Mindful Self-Compassion?
This isn't some life hack or a box to check - this is a deep practice to bring more compassion and healing to yourself, and therefore to those you love and to the world. The ripple potential is great. This is a genuine act of self-care, self-love, self-kindness which supports us in being more caring, loving, and kind in general.

What's interesting is that the more we practice self-compassion, the more we take responsibility for our actions. The more we are able to apologize. The more likely we are to forgive ourselves. We get unstuck because we have met ourselves with an open heart, letting go of the unfair and unrealistic expectation of perfection. We don't need to armor up to protect ourselves or lash out in defense. When we offer self-compassion we actually become more compassionate with others.

When do we need self-compassion?
Every day! Every time we feel a regret or we are hurting, self-compassion is available to us. Whether you've spilled soup on your favorite jacket (or person), forgotten a friend's birthday, missed a deadline, or did something to hurt someone else. When someone has hurt you. When you've received a scary diagnosis or you're terrified for someone you love. When a loved one has died or you're afraid they will. When you feel guilty or ashamed, when you wish you had known better or handled that interaction differently, it's time to gently acknowledge your human-ness and bring in some tender loving care. The medicine for all the woulda, coulda, shoulda's is mindful self-compassion.

As you can see the entry points of pain sit on a spectrum from what might feel mundane to what is clearly very severe. This isn't about comparing your pain to anyone else's (if you do, bring in some self-compassion). Your pain is yours regardless of how severe it is. If it hurts, tend to it. If it hurts a lot, tend to it a lot, and compassionately get some support.

How do we practice mindful self-compassion?
As in practicing self-care, begin by pausing and tuning in. Acknowledge what you are feeling, perhaps as you offer yourself a compassionate touch or gesture. Placing a hand on your heart, giving yourself a gentle hug, holding your own hand, or stroking your arm are all forms of compassionate touch - which one feels soothing and natural to you?

Say silently to yourself, "This is a moment of pain or suffering" (find the word that resonates and feels true in this moment). I feel _______ (angry, sad, scared, disappointed, hurt...)" whatever it is, name it. Here is where you become the observer or witness to your experience. You are with it, but it doesn't define or consume you. You are the person feeling the pain. You are not the pain or emotion.

Sit with yourself and allow yourself to feel it. Breathe as you do. Where do you feel it in your body? Often you might notice a sensation in your heart, gut, throat, shoulders, or jaw. Where do you feel it in your body in this moment?

Ask what this part of you needs to feel loved, comforted, nurtured. Offer that loving, nurturing, comforting care to yourself in the form of thoughts or touch. Remember the element of common humanity. You are not alone in your suffering. We all suffer - this is part of being human.

The practice of RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture) is one that might support you in these moments. Tara Brach has many guided meditations, talks, and articles about RAIN if you would like to deepen your understanding and practice.

Where can you practice mindful self-compassion?
Really, anywhere, any time. This doesn't need to be a long, drawn-out, complicated practice. It can happen quickly, with a pause of a few breaths. It can happen in a meeting, in a crowded airport, in the middle of a conversation. It can happen with other people around or you might choose to make it a more extended practice when you have more time to be alone. Perhaps you take yourself to a special place in nature and allow the trees, rocks, water, and fresh air to support you. Or maybe you have a special room that feels soothing - go there and allow yourself all the time you need.

Your invitation…
How and where can you bring in a little more gentleness with yourself? Offer yourself self-compassion and grace? Remember your humanity? What might it be like to be less judgmental, less reactive, and to feel less alone in your moments of pain? What would it be like to stop beating yourself up and to trust that you've done the best you can?

What benefits do you imagine or know arise out of practicing self-compassion?

You do not have to go it alone or only practice self-compassion. It is a great act of care and compassion to seek support... from friends, family, coaches, support groups, doctors, or counselors. Please reach out for help when what you're facing is too much to face alone. Not sure where to begin reaching out? Maybe one of the resources here will be a good starting point.

What might the world be like if we each treated ourselves a little more kindly? I'd love to find out!

Resources for you
Kristin Neff's self-compassion website has a ton of resources, guided practices, and a self-assessment you can take if you'd like to get a sense of your current state of self-compassion.

This week's guided meditation is “Practicing with Self-Compassion.” Give yourself the gift of a few minutes to sit with yourself as you are for this practice. May it nourish and support you.

Also, on my Resources Page, you can find many free supports, including many for self-compassion, mindfulness, grief, and substance use disorder.

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5 Simple Steps to Self-Care

10/5/2021

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These days self-care is being over-complicated with tracking devices and apps… it’s being capitalized upon. And that makes it hard to remember that self-care does not have to be hard, time-consuming, costly, or complex. Here are a few steps you can tap into throughout the day – a way to bring mini moments of self-care into your life to support and sustain you.

1.Pause and tune in
Pause is one of the most powerful self-care practices there is – simply interrupting the mindless rush through the day. When we take a mindful pause as a a time to tune in, its power is amplified tremendously! What are we tuning in to? Ourselves.

Slow down, quiet down, make time for yourself. Welcome yourself where you are, as you are, and come with a willingness to be open, curious, compassionate and non-judgmental. Whether you do this in your car in the parking lot before heading into work or home or whether you close your office or bedroom door or you just claim a moment in the midst of people does not matter. You can do this any time, anywhere. It only takes a breath.

2.Ask
From this slowed down, quiet place, connect with your body, your heart, your spirit, your mind and ask them what they need. In this moment in time or in this phase of your life. What is alive for each of these aspects of you? What do they desire? Giving yourself permission to give voice to your needs and desires is critical if you are going to truly honor yourself. Take your time. Ask sincerely and be willing to be surprised. The surprise responses are the ones that let you know you’ve connected to something beyond what your mind already knew at a surface level.

At a time when someone is making a request or demand of you, this quiet time to tune in and check out how that lands in your being is critical. Is this a "yes," a "no," a "maybe," a "not now, but maybe later," or a time to say, "let me think about that and get back to you." Too often we rush to respond before we know what's true for ourselves.

This step can be done as a simple quiet reflection, on a walk, or with your journal handy to jot down what comes through as you ask.

3. Listen/Notice
Sometimes we ask the questions but we forget to take the time to also listen to the responses that are coming to us. Stay in the pause long enough that you are aware of signals and signs. Answers may drop in in the form of words or images, or you may just get a sense of what’s being communicated to you. Feel into your body as you ask and listen – your body offers great guidance. As you consider something do you get a sense of softening, relaxing, opening and expansion or is there a tightening, hardening, or constriction? Get to know your body’s way of directing you.

4. Respond
Perhaps the part we miss most often is actually responding to the information we’ve been given. We take the time to get quiet, sit with ourselves and either have a quiet reflection, meditation, or maybe some journaling time. We get answers about what our body, mind, heart, and spirit are wanting and needing.

And then we go on with our life on auto pilot. We tell ourselves we don’t have time, that we’ll get to it later (or “some day”), or it’s just not that important. We put other people’s needs before our own.

It’s really important as you develop this new way of being in relationship with yourself that you actually act upon the insights you’ve gotten. In order to begin to trust yourself, it’s important that you make yourself a priority and honor what you know you need and want; what's right for you; what you have the bandwidth for.

Either respond in the moment or make a promise to yourself. Maybe even write it down or schedule it in your calendar. You deserve your time and commitment as much as anything or anyone else in your life.

5.Celebrate
Pause again. After you’ve done the thing you said you would do to honor yourself, take the time to acknowledge yourself. You said "no" to a request. You had the hard conversation. You asked for help. You took time to intentionally begin your day... Whatever it is, don’t miss it!

Too often we simply brush it off as no big deal and move on to the next thing on our to-do list. By taking the time to pause and notice and give yourself a little smile, word of appreciation, or pat on the back, you reinforce new habits, build new patterns, and deepen your trust in yourself that you are actually taking a stand for your own peace of mind, for your own well-being. Celebrate doesn’t mean have a party (though you could), but it could mean that you intentionally do something nice for yourself as a reward for taking the time to really take good, loving care of you!

Try weaving these steps into your days and let us know how it goes. Self-care, like meditation, is a practice. We forget, we notice, we come back and begin again. It’s not a once and done thing, but rather a foundational piece to building the life you desire.

When the world rattles you, self-care can be your anchor. It can bring you home to yourself, to your center, to your knowing. It can nourish and fill you up at a time when so many other things are pulling at you and draining you.

“Self-care is being true to and gentle with yourself, one moment at a time.” – Barb Klein

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What Being in Recovery Means to Me

9/16/2021

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Young man (my son) dressed in Senior Ball suit kissing woman (me) in front of a tree

Me and my son 10 years ago (still one of my favorite moments that captures our joy and love)

September is National Recovery Month!

Recovery is possible for people with substance use disorder and for their families! And those things are not dependent on one another.

I am a family member in long-term recovery from the effects of my son’s substance use disorder.

What that means to me is that I have found a way to recover, reclaim, and live my life, while also loving my son. It means that my happiness, peace of mind, and well-being do not depend on his. It means I have accepted that we are separate individuals each walking our own journey and I can honor our paths and our bond. I am grateful to walk alongside him and for the depth of love this journey has brought forward for us.

It means that I am committed to living life fully, to embracing my days and showing up for my life, even on days when my son has struggled...even on days when I am struggling. It means taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time. It means that I have practices that help me to practice self-care and to be mindfully present - which means that I meet myself where I am honestly - some days are better than others. I am devoted to true self care as I define it: to be true to and gentle with myself one moment at a time.

It means remembering who I am and who he is before and beyond this disease. It means moving toward who we may become as we each heal and grow.

It means I have met some of the most amazing, sensitive, creative, wise, impactful , intuitive, generous and loving people who are on their own journey of recovery. They show me what’s possible and have opened my eyes and heart to the people they are beyond substance use disorder.

It means that I am committed to using the pain, lessons, love, compassion, and growth I have experienced to support others in their recovery, both family members and individuals.

It also means that I will join with other recovery advocates to break the silence and shatter the stigma around substance use disorder and call for love and compassion toward those impacted.
#recoverymonth #recoveryispossible
#familiesrecover

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A Fresh Take on Self-Care

7/27/2021

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Self-care is a phrase that’s tossed around everywhere these days and it’s being used in some ways to make people feel like they’re not good enough or like they’re falling short in some area of life. It’s being used as a way that can people feel more anxious as they track steps or minutes of meditation. It often feels like one more thing on an already overflowing to-do list or one more expense in a budget stretched thin.

Self-care is not something we were taught as children and many of us were encouraged to put others’ needs before our own. And yet, self-care is the foundation for anything else you want to do in life. If you’re not caring for yourself, it’s unsustainable to go on for long without finding yourself exhausted, depleted, grumpy, resentful, or burnt out. If you want to contribute to the greater good, you first need to be well resourced and filled up.

So, what do I mean when I say “self-care?” What’s my working definition of this idea I have been exploring, practicing, and teaching for the past 8 years?

For years I have worked with Renee Trudeau’s definition, “Self-care is the art of attuning and responding to your needs and desires, moment by moment.”

I love this definition because it makes it clear that it’s not something that we come by naturally – it’s something we learn and practice and become better at the more we work at it. It is an art. There’s a beauty to it.

The idea of “attuning and responding” is critical, because lots of times we KNOW what our needs are, but we don’t take the time to respond to them. We skip meals, over-riding the hunger cues that come and eventually go, to keep on working. We never go to the bathroom during the day despite an obvious need for that simple relief. We ignore the need to rest or sleep or the need for a break to refresh the mind… We know… we know what we need to do differently, and we can do a much better job of responding to what we know. We can become a trustworthy ally to ourselves when we begin to listen inwardly and respond accordingly.

“Moment by moment” is also key because it reminds us that self-care isn’t something that only happens at the scheduled appointments or classes. It’s not something we will get to once a week or once a month. It’s something we can offer ourselves throughout each day, in each moment, when we are tuned in to ourselves.

For the past 8 years I have worked deeply with self-care. It’s amazed me how vast the concept is and how my understanding of it has deepened and expanded as I work with it, embody it, bring it into my daily life. It continues to grow in relevance and meaning. Mostly I have learned that self-care isn’t so much about what you do as how you are with yourself. It’s about cultivating a loving commitment to yourself. It’s about coming home to yourself and having that home be a safe, kind, and welcoming place.

In simplest terms, here’s what resonates with me at this moment:

“Self-care: Being true to and gentle with yourself, one moment at a time.”
~ Barb Klein

Being true to yourself means honoring yourself, the needs of your body, mind, heart, and spirit, knowing what works for you and what doesn’t (because, let’s face it, not everything is a good fit for everyone), knowing what your boundaries and limits are (moment by moment), and knowing what your capacity is and what’s sustainable for you.

Being true to yourself means saying “no” when that’s what you mean, even if that might mean disappointing someone else. Being true to yourself means stepping away when you need some quiet time, even if people might want you around. Being true to yourself means following teachers who resonate with what feels right inside your heart and gut and not letting yourself get talked into something just because someone says you should. Being true means trusting your intuition, your inner hunches and knowing and following your sparks of inspiration. These are just some ways we can be true to ourselves. It is so freeing the more true we are!

For example, I have been down on myself about my weight… the “Covid 15” is real in this body. I was revisiting the idea of trying the South Beach diet again (which I did years ago with some success and subsequent weight gain), eliminating sugar (and maybe a bunch of other stuff) which immediately throws me into a need to chow down on all the things I think I’m not going to eat again – deprivation mode… does not work for me. It also doesn’t work for me to be beating myself up, calling myself harsh words, or feeling guilty or ashamed for how I look, that my clothes don’t fit any more, or for what I eat. Enter the idea to “be gentle with yourself.” I realized that most of the diet tactics I’ve tried don’t work for me and that they all feel pretty aggressive and harsh… I needed to find something that allowed me to be true to myself.

I am so grateful I pulled out the book Eat to Love by Jenna Hollenstein (who, in addition to being an anti-diet dietitian who helps people struggling with chronic dieting, disordered eating, and body image, was also one of my meditation instructor teachers and someone I trust and respect). With the support of this book I am taking a much more gentle approach in regards to food, eating, and my body. Through the book, Jenna is helping me learn to trust my body’s wisdom, tune into its signals for hunger and fullness, as well as respect what and when I want to eat. I am realizing how conditioned I have been to not trust and honor my own body. It’s refreshing to begin to love myself in a new way.

Being gentle with yourself means that we recognize that being harsh or punitive is rarely motivating and that beating ourselves up only wears us down. Being gentle means treating ourselves with grace and compassion, letting go of the idea of perfection, and offering the same love and care that we would offer to those we love and care about. When you are gentle with yourself, you have permission to try something and decide you don’t like it. You can play with things, experimenting to discover what works for you and what doesn’t. You can adapt your practices to fit the reality of your life day by day rather than holding onto rigid expectations. You can bring in a lighthearted approach to the way you move through life.

One moment at a time is the best way I’ve found to approach life. When I remember it (key notation!), it allows me to stay in the present, to not get too far ahead of myself in projected stories or ideas of how things are going to turn out. It allows me to face what’s here and to respond based on what’s true for me in this moment. It allows me to avoid overwhelm by taking on too much at once.

We only need to deal with this moment, right here, right now. That doesn’t mean we don’t think about the future consequences of our choices… but it does mean that we only need to make the choices that are before us now. It means we can adjust… we can change our minds or our course as needed. We don’t need to try to take on the next week or year or twenty years all at once. One moment, one breath, one choice at a time, we treat ourselves with respect and gentle loving care.

Self-care is an ongoing practice
When we remember that self-care is an ongoing practice…not something you do and check off your list as done or mastered, we can be gentle with ourselves when we forget what we know or when we don’t do what we wish we had. One moment at a time reminds us that we can choose differently in that next moment. The number of fresh starts we can take is unlimited.

Your turn:

What are your thoughts? How do you define self-care? How are you true to and gentle with yourself? What gets in your way? Please share! Let’s learn and grow together.

**Sidenote: If you’re interested in finding out more about being true to your body and trusting its wisdom, I invite you to check out the book Eat to Love and Jenna’s website. Also, Glennon Doyle and her sister, Amanda, had a recent episode on “Our Bodies: Why are we at war with them and can we ever make peace? “ on their We Can Do Hard Things podcast which was a refreshing exploration of this topic.

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Getting Grounded

7/20/2021

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Phew! It's been a doozy of a week for me - lots of dips into funks, times of abandoning myself, questioning myself, doubting myself, getting down on myself… for no particular reason that I can pinpoint, which is the worst kind of out of sorts for me! I like to at least understand what's going on.

I try to remember that we all have these funks and I've talked to a lot of people who seem to be riding these funk waves with me at this time, but knowing it's to be expected and I'm not alone helps only a little. Sometimes I am better at being with the discomfort of it, and other times I really just want it to stop… to go away!

I definitely know that the more I'm able to let things be as they are and not aggressively try to change them, the more quickly it will move on through.

I also know that when the inner turmoil is stirring it can be really unsettling, and at times we even feel shaken up, not grounded at all. So, the theme this week is getting grounded.

Getting Grounded:

One of the quickest ways to do this is to simply feel your feet on the floor (or barefeet on the earth if you can), feel your body being held by the seat, bed, or ground, let out a few audible sighs, maybe even imagining the stress or burden sliding right off your shoulders. Notice how your body wants to move. Does your neck want some gentle circles? Do you want to wiggle or stretch in any way? Let yourself move until you are just a little more comfortable. Find yourself in this moment - look around - what do you see? What do you hear? Who else is nearby? Are you safe here? (If not, please find a way to get to a place where you are).

If you're feeling super agitated, you might want to shake your hands and arms (and maybe even your feet and legs) as if you're shaking off whatever it is that's getting to you.

Feel your breath - notice its natural rhythm and quality in this moment without trying to change anything. With each breath invite your belly to soften. Place your hands on your lap or on your heart or on your belly… feel your own warmth and tender touch - this is a gesture of self-compassion. Let yourself know that you are here for you.

Allow yourself a little time to not need to DO anything or to figure anything out, but simply to be here with yourself. Take the time you need… Connecting with your breath and feeling your body. Support yourself to get into your body in this moment in time. If there is any gentle reassurance you want to offer to yourself, please do… things like, “I'm here… we've got this… I love you. We will get through this. Shhhh….” can be tried out. If you find a phrase that softens your body a bit, offer that to yourself - lean into it. Let the softness come.

Repeat as often as needed. I've needed it a lot lately. After I feel a little more grounded I've found it to be helpful to take note of what's true in this moment by either writing about “In this moment…” simply allowing my pen to move across the page about whatever is here right now for a few minutes or just saying aloud or silently to myself, “OK, in this moment…” This helps to bring a reality check to this moment, this time, and keeps me from running away with the thoughts that may be carrying me in 900 different directions at once. Right here. Right now. Be here now. (Sometimes I recite this simple phrase to myself with every inhale, exhale, and pause).

How do you get grounded? I'd love to hear - please share your ideas so that we can add to our available practices!

I've recorded this guided meditation to support you in getting grounded. I invite you to give yourself a few minutes and allow yourself this time to settle in to this moment.

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Our Need for R.E.S.T...

7/13/2021

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Coming back from a couple of days away with my husband, Tom, I am reminded how vital REST is to our spirits, bodies, minds, hearts, and nervous systems. While we were away our only goals were to rest, relax, have fun, and flow with our days.

Yesterday I spent the day reading, writing, and relaxing by the pool – dipping in when the sun got too hot, getting in the shade when I needed a break from the sun, and talking and laughing with Tom. We were lighthearted and delighted by the simplicity of the day. We did not allow work or phones to interrupt our time. We consciously chose to take this time together to enjoy life and one another. Summer is a great and easy time to do this as it seems to lend itself to it – there’s a collective energy of play, vacation, and lightness.

On our drive home we listened to a podcast with Broadway sensation, Lin-Manuel Miranda, a wildly creative man! He shared that much of his inspiration for his shows came when he was in a relaxed state – floating in a pool or on vacation. Of course, there’s much hard work involved in bringing what he creates to life, but there is also an opening for creativity that happens when he is in a state of rest.

I have experienced this myself and witnessed it in others – it may look like we’re procrastinating or not creating because there isn’t yet anything to show the world. But, in reality, when we slow down and give ourselves some spaciousness, our mind is free to dream, to imagine, to visualize and we are open to receive bursts of insight, inspiration, and artistry. Percolation time is a necessary precursor (at least for some of us) for spurts of creativity.

It struck me that we all have a deep need for rest, for so many reasons. As a society we are often rest-deprived, placing value on busy-ness and productivity over this restorative space that can feel like nothing is happening. What we miss is that often, something important is still going on even though there isn’t outer evidence or product to show. When we have time and space, we can access fresh perspectives for problem solving, and our imagination can dream up things that wouldn’t be possible if we forced them. When our nervous system can relax, we are not in a state of fight or flight, but rather receptivity, wonder, and openness. We are more likely to respond more thoughtfully than react mindlessly.

I offer you this way to look at REST:
R – Re-boot
E – Exit
S – Space
T – Time

Re-boot: Just as your computer or phone can get bogged down or frozen and needs to be powered down and then re-started, we too need periodic re-boots. Without taking a break, we become overly reactive, spinning (just like that annoying circle on your computer), going nowhere. Our nerves are frayed, we’re depleted and drained. We need to interrupt this spinning by stepping back from the habitual pace at which we move and the typical things we mindlessly do. We need to power down, unplug - choose to give ourselves an intentional break to refresh, rejuvenate, re-fuel, re-energize (so many great R words… I could go on forever, but I’ll spare you! You can add your own). This allows us to start up again with renewed energy, fresh perspective, a lighter heart.

Exit – Like a performer, sometimes we need to “exit stage left” from the center of our lives where all the activity is happening. Get out of the spotlight, step behind the curtain, take off the costume, mask, and makeup and just BE. Whether you step away for 3 minutes, 3 days, or 3 weeks, an intentional exit will give you a chance to re-boot.

Space – We need space in our lives – physical space, space in our schedule, distance from one another and time between activities. I was highly aware of this on our drive. I want several car lengths between me and the car ahead of me; I want to change lanes well before I need to make a turn and in a time when it’s safe to get over.

This tendency transfers to life for me. I don’t want to be squeezed into a tight space where I have to react without thinking, to feel pushed or rushed. In traffic or in daily life, these scenarios make me anxious. It’s easy to fill our schedules so tightly with calls or meetings that there is no room between meetings for a bathroom or meal break or even time to do the actual work. It’s even easier to fill our schedules so that there is no time available for the mini reboots (a quick walk outdoors, a conversation with a friend, a breath of fresh air or a day off), and we begin to feel an internal pressure of constraint and overwhelm. We need breathing room in our days in order to think clearly, be inspired or creative, show up to life’s challenges at the top of our game (or at least closer to it).

Time – We need time… time alone, time to move more slowly, time to breathe, time to connect and time to reflect. This goes very closely with space, as you can see. We need to allow ourselves more time than we think we need to get places and finish tasks!! How many of you are overly optimistic when it comes to those kinds of things? When we give ourselves time, we create the space which allows us to exit or step aside for a moment or more in order to re-boot.

How do you know when you need a REST?

What are your signals when it’s time for you to give yourself this critical R.E.S.T.? How does your body let you know? Your mind? Your heart? Your spirit? Learn to listen more closely for these internal signals so that you can respond with self-compassion and kindness. We want to be proactive in creating this time of R.E.S.T so that we don’t find ourselves “resting” with a headache, illness, or injury.

Taking time to re-boot, exit, and allow space and time will have a ripple effect! Not only do you benefit – the people in your life will thank you too! Give it a try and please let us know your thoughts and experiences here. How do you like to give yourself R.E.S.T.? What happens when you don’t? What’s your promise to yourself in terms of honoring this need in the next little while?

In need of a R.E.S.T? Join me on retreat...

If you're in need of some serious rest, please consider joining me, Sandra Sabene, and Carol Moon for this year's Let Your Light Shine Retreat, September 24-28th at the deeply restorative space that is Light on the Hill Retreat Center in the gorgeous Finger Lakes of Western NY! We have created this time to allow you lots of space and time to let down, to connect with your inner wisdom and inspiration, to renew and be deeply nourished physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! Early bird registration closes July 31st!

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The Cruelty of Skin Suits... and Radical Love

5/18/2021

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Skin Suits, pain, and grief...
In the show “The Good Place,” the leaders of the Bad Place devise ways to torture people. Perhaps their most cruel tactic was what they called “skin suits.” The torturers were hidden inside the body of someone you loved so that you’d be fooled into thinking they were safe, loving, there for you… and then they’d do something awful to you. You’d feel that internal confusion of “who are you? Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even recognize you…”

And it struck me how much this reflects what it’s like to love someone consumed by mental illness, substance or alcohol use, or dementia. On the outside the person still looks like our person, but on the inside, they’re not really there. We look into their eyes trying to connect, but we just can’t find them. They act in ways that the person we know and love never would. They do things that are hurtful to themselves and to us.

It’s sad and it’s lonely and it’s a unique form of grief to mourn the loss of someone who is still alive. To love this person deeply. To not have had a chance to say goodbye. To have moments of connection and clarity which bring with them a bit of hope… and then to have that hope crushed to the point where you don’t dare to feel it again.

Radical Love
What can we do when the person we see is so unfamiliar to us? So far from the person we’ve known them to be? Lost, even to themselves? We can turn to radical love. The love that carries us through impossible times and takes us to unimaginable places.

The terms “radical acceptance” and “radical empathy” have been shared in recent trainings. Tara Brach has written books titled, Radical Acceptance and Radical Compassion, so these radical terms are floating around, perhaps more and more frequently and more and more in a positive way.

What’s “Radical" All About?
So, let’s get curious… what is this “radical” all about?   Before I look it up (which I will), what comes to mind is a sense of extreme (it’s often connected to not such positive groups). In these cases of acceptance, compassion, empathy, and love which all represent qualities of kindness and care, it speaks to the times we show up in ways and at times we couldn’t believe possible. It speaks to a love that binds us even when our loved one doesn’t recognize us or isn’t available to connect with us in the way we long for. This, to me, is radical love.

Radical love holds you while you sit in the Emergency Room waiting room with your loved one in mental health crisis, feeling both the judgmental stares and the averted glances, feeling invisible and oh too visible all at once. Radical love walks with you through the razor wire fences to sit in the barren room on a cold hard plastic chair to visit with your child under the watchful eye of a correctional officer. Radical love breaks your heart open and brings tears at the smallest act of kindness in an unexpected place. It drives across country with you to visit your parent as they plot their escape from the memory care unit, and it helps you to feel both the sadness and the humor all at once.

Radical love allows you to see the humanity in the homeless person shuffling down the street. Radical love makes the sandwich that you hand to her, without judgment in your eyes. Radical love shows up to serve those who are too often overlooked and misunderstood.

Radical Love Reminds You That You Too Matter…
Radical love also reminds you that you too matter. That your well-being and sanity are worthy of your tender care. That it is ok to take a break, to take a breath, to tend to yourself. Radical love lifts the phone out of your hand, turns it off, and tucks you in so that you can get the rest you need to face the crisis that surely awaits. Radical love reminds you that it’s unsustainable to be all things to all people all the time, so it quietly lifts your cape from your shoulders and brings you a cup of tea.

Why is this love radical? Because we’re conditioned to make sure everyone else is ok, especially the people we love, especially when they are suffering or struggling. We’re not told that we too have needs or that even in the midst of heartache and despair you can also enjoy some time with a friend or dance with true joy or meditate in the forest.

Society tells us “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.” Or “You have to do something…” even if there’s really nothing you can do. Our beliefs keep us going even when we have nothing left to give. Radical love is needed to remind us that we’re no good to anyone if we’re depleted. It calls us to gentle ourselves and to forgive ourselves when we couldn’t make someone else change, when we couldn’t save a life. Radical love requires radical self-compassion as well as compassion and empathy for others.

The expert’s voice…
I promised I'd look it up, and I did. Merriam Webster defines radical as “very different from the usual or traditional: extreme.” I wonder what it will take for these acts of empathy, love, and compassion to become more usual or commonplace. I hope we can be part of this shift in a world that is crying for more of these qualities.

In her book, Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach describes it as “the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion.” She goes on to say that “Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening or intense. It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment’s experience. Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is.”

In Radical Compassion, she says it “…means including the vulnerability of this life – all life – in our heart. It means having the courage to love ourselves, each other, and our world. Radical compassion is rooted in mindful, embodied presence, and it is expressed actively through caring that includes all beings.” She writes, “I have to love myself into healing. The only path that can carry me home is the path of self-compassion.” How beautiful is that... loving ourselves into healing!

Today’s Invitation:
Today I invite you to explore these ideas for yourself… radical compassion, radical acceptance, radical empathy, and radical love. Let’s be EXTREME with scattering these ways of being. Where can you bring them into your world? What changes within you and in your experience when you do? How does it feel to approach yourself, others, and life from a radically kinder stance? I've recorded this meditation as a way to support you in stepping into this.

When you next encounter someone you care about and find they’re wearing a skin suit, see if you can look beneath the surface to find the soul within and love them anyway. It isn’t personal. They’re just not able to be who you know them to be in this moment. Maybe your remembering will help them to remember who they are one day… maybe your love will help you remember who you are.

Please let us know your thoughts and experiences. Let’s learn and grow together in a radical way!

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What Would Love Do?

4/13/2021

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Each morning I set an intention for my day…a quality that I invite in to support me throughout the day. A guidepost that I can touch back in with when I remember.
One of my favorite and most powerful intentions is Love. It allows me to check in with it throughout the day, asking, “What would Love do?” before I react to a situation or sink into a particular story I'm telling myself.

Asking What would Love do? allows us to tune into the quality of love as a guiding force. Love reminds us to be gentle with ourselves and others, to act kindly and with compassion, remembering that we're all doing the best we can in this moment.

What does Love do?
Love listens…
Love sees you and hears you
Love comforts a hurting heart
Love softens loneliness
Love sits with a hurting friend without any need to fix or advise
Love gives from a generous place, without expectation
Love fills us up
Love sets boundaries that are clear but not harsh
Love says “yes” or “no” without apology
Love cultivates trust
Love cuddles the dog
Love patiently sets aside the to-do list and chooses to be present with another
Love puts the phone away
Love smiles at a stranger, holds a door, and lets the anxious driver cut in
Love feeds the birds
Love slows down to notice the beauty
Love appreciates what's here

What else??

I invite you to try it out today. When you find yourself reacting, pause… ask yourself, “What would Love do?” and notice how it changes your interactions, your perceptions, your perspective, and your day. Let us know by sharing in the comments!

The meditation I am sharing this week is one called “What Would Love Do?” I invite you to enjoy this practice as we begin by first extending this love to ourselves.

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Human Happens... It's OK!

1/26/2021

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Grumpy cat (weird for "Human Happens" I admit but this face... oh my!)

Remember that great book, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?” I think he did have a string of rotten things happen to him that had him dreaming of running away to Australia… or maybe he just had a rotten day. It happens.

I found myself in a rotten foul mood for no good reason at all (but we think we need a reason, don’t we!?) In fact, there were lots of reasons on that particular day that I “should” have been happy! The sun was shining, I had nothing but a great day planned, my arm was pain-free for the first time in a long time, on and on and on… And the fact that I “should” have been happy only made it worse that I really wanted to jump out of my own skin! (that never goes well, by the way!)

My mind wanted to make sense of it (as minds do)… if I could understand it, then my brain could categorize it, and tuck it away neatly in a file as that reason for bad moods… My self-care teacher self knew all of the things I COULD do to try to shift it, but I wanted nothing to do with any of them. In fact, these are the times when I want to throw my own book across the room and I tell my own teachings to “F%$K off!” My Buddhist teachings kicked in to remind me to just be with it. That really didn’t feel great, but in the end, that’s the path I took.

Being human is messy. Life is messy. Bad moods will come. Good moods will come. Inspiration will rise up and at other times, like the other day, we will find ourselves flailing and floundering in the dark... feeling we have nothing to offer the world. In those dark pit of ick moments it’s hard to see the way out and the last thing we want to hear is “This too shall pass…” Will it!? I’m sure it will, but right now, this is where I am – let me be!

Even today as I reflected on it in my journaling, I noted that I am feeling “more like myself” with some small sense of relief. Then I noticed the implied judgement in that… as if “myself” is the one who is uplifting and inspired and feeling good… as if the me who is down, depressed, pissy, and just irritable for no good reason is not really me.

Whew! This being human is not for the faint of heart, especially if, like me, you love exploring this inner landscape which can get oh so messy and confusing at times!

But what’s really important is for each of us to remember that human happens. Human isn’t always pretty, it isn’t always what we prefer, it includes all the feelings and all the thoughts and worries, and it can swoop in unexpected and uninvited. When it does, what we do with it matters. How we treat ourselves in these moments matters.

There is a movement out there that supports the idea that we should feel good all the time and that the goal is to get to that feel good state at all costs and as soon as possible. This, my friends, is spiritual BS, spiritual bypassing. Even if we buy into the idea that peace is our natural inherent state and that love is what we’re made of, we are still going to have terrible, rotten, no good days for no obvious reason. And it is OK!!

Self-care doesn’t mean do all the things so you can feel better as soon as possible. Self-care means sit with yourself, as you are in your current state of exhaustion, confusion, anger, sadness, or ugliness… that’s it. Just be with yourself there and give yourself tender loving care and acceptance. OK, this is how it’s gonna be right now. I don’t like it, but I’m willing to sit with this discomfort. You’re not doing life wrong. You’re not doing anything wrong. You are simply being your very real, very vulnerable, very tender, open-hearted self. Cause, damn it, the more open our hearts are, the more we will feel! (I offer you this meditation – Befriending Yourself – to help you sit with yourself lovingly).

Now, might my bad mood be a natural after-effect from the happenings in the world, the relief and coming down after Wednesday’s inauguration and the end of an intensive 5-day training? Might I have just simply hit a wall of exhaustion after 11 months of COVID? Sure, maybe… And, who cares? What I want to do is to normalize bad days. To give each of us permission to just have a bad day… without apology, without explanation, without worry, without shame. And, actually, to even expect them. They are part of riding the waves… it’s unsustainable to stay in the crest all the time. The dip, the fall, the drop will inevitably come, until the next swell.

To think that we are “less than” on these days, that we should somehow apologize for ourselves, hide away, and pretend to be ok when we are not is the very opposite of loving self-care. To put up a false front is to chop off a very real part of ourselves and that’s just cruel…

Human happens. You’re human. I’m human. It’s OK. Some days are just like this. This too shall pass… (cue the throwing of the book or tomatoes, or whatever! 😊)

And, here's the secret and the truth... the more we are able to sit with these times of discomfort, to wait them out in all of their ickiness, the less we stay stuck in them. We are better able to move through when we lean into what's here than when we try to stuff our feelings down, hide them away, or banish them from the building.

Thoughts?

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Less is More

Mindful Self-Compassion - A Practice Worth Practicing

5 Simple Steps to Self-Care

What Being in Recovery Means to Me

A Fresh Take on Self-Care

Getting Grounded

Our Need for R.E.S.T...

The Cruelty of Skin Suits... and Radical Love

What Would Love Do?

Human Happens... It's OK!

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