Inspired Possibility Blog

Less is More

11/9/2021

Photo Credit Renee Veniskey

Less is more... I know it's true and I feel the relief when I can actually let this idea guide me. And yet, I'm finding that after decades of efforting (and probably over-efforting many, many times), even when I don't think I'm doing or thinking or trying too much, I am. It really takes a lot for me to let down, to do less, to try less hard…

How have I been reminded? My body is showing me. It's coming through in chronic holding patterns in certain muscles that clench and grip all the time, even when they don't need to. It's coming through in tiredness from days that are booked too fully or that I simply fill with too many things and too many hours. It's coming through in carrying an excessive number of books and notebooks with me for short trips, thinking I'll get to way more than I do (and more than I even want to). It's reflected in mental fatigue when I think I can do too many things, accomplish too many tasks, finish too many projects in too little time! It lives in unrealistic expectations imposed upon myself that I would NEVER hold for another human being.

How might this idea that “less is more” be supportive and nourishing if it could truly be embodied and brought to life?

Well, for one, it would open up more space and time on the calendar, allowing for more breathing room, less stress, and more time to pause and relax.
It would come through in a body that feels less tight, less over-worked, less over-stressed, more rested, more open, more expansive.
It would be reflected in less clutter and more open space, fewer clothes overflowing closets and drawers, fewer books taking up every inch of shelf space and beyond (which would also lead to more breathing room and spaciousness).
Overall there would be a sense of trying less hard - less tension and effort in yoga and Tai Chi, and even in meditation. There would be a remembering there's no need or way to be perfect (especially with something that's new!).
It would come through in a more relaxed way of being in the world… letting go of any need to impress anyone or prove anything. Letting go of being the doer-of-all-things and the taker-carer-of-all-people.
There would be a sense of sweet simplicity, taking things one moment at a time - not multi-tasking, double-booking, or over-committing. This is a great time to year to be conscious about that!
There would be fewer programs paid for and never completed or feeling woefully behind in - pausing and discerning before following “bright shiny objects” everywhere would keep you cued in to what is really doable and what would truly be beneficial at this time in your life, given your current reality.
You'd find yourself not packing things too full - programs, PowerPoints, retreats, vacations, days… life!
Life would move at a sustainable pace and in a sustainable way. You could lower the bar on yourself - lessen unreasonable expectations.
You'd experience more lightness, ease, and joy, I believe! As there is less stress, angst, anxiety and worry, there's room for more openness, acceptance, wonder, and support.

What does it require?

Mindful awareness
Discernment
A willingness to resist temptation, the ability to say “no” and to be realistic
Pause (that pause… it's always so, so valuable)
Honesty, particularly with yourself
Gentleness and self-compassion

Of course, I offer all of this hypothetically speaking! I have only a vague idea what it really means to live from a “less is more” place, but I can certainly imagine the possibilities! I am willing to try it out more often!

Your invitation…
Take a few minutes to consider if “less is more” is something you'd like to experiment with in your life. Would it benefit you in any way? How and where might you begin to play with this idea, lightly, gently, and kindly? (no harsh taskmaster in a “less is more” world!).

Is there anything you need to give yourself permission for? A promise you want to make to yourself?

Play with these prompts, if you like:
I'd like less___________and more ___________
I will create less ________ and make room for more ______________
If less is more, what's possible?
Where would I like to begin?

This week's meditation, “Less is More," invites you to apply it to your practice - trying less hard, expecting less of yourself and of your practice.

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5 Simple Steps to Self-Care

10/5/2021

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These days self-care is being over-complicated with tracking devices and apps… it’s being capitalized upon. And that makes it hard to remember that self-care does not have to be hard, time-consuming, costly, or complex. Here are a few steps you can tap into throughout the day – a way to bring mini moments of self-care into your life to support and sustain you.

1.Pause and tune in
Pause is one of the most powerful self-care practices there is – simply interrupting the mindless rush through the day. When we take a mindful pause as a a time to tune in, its power is amplified tremendously! What are we tuning in to? Ourselves.

Slow down, quiet down, make time for yourself. Welcome yourself where you are, as you are, and come with a willingness to be open, curious, compassionate and non-judgmental. Whether you do this in your car in the parking lot before heading into work or home or whether you close your office or bedroom door or you just claim a moment in the midst of people does not matter. You can do this any time, anywhere. It only takes a breath.

2.Ask
From this slowed down, quiet place, connect with your body, your heart, your spirit, your mind and ask them what they need. In this moment in time or in this phase of your life. What is alive for each of these aspects of you? What do they desire? Giving yourself permission to give voice to your needs and desires is critical if you are going to truly honor yourself. Take your time. Ask sincerely and be willing to be surprised. The surprise responses are the ones that let you know you’ve connected to something beyond what your mind already knew at a surface level.

At a time when someone is making a request or demand of you, this quiet time to tune in and check out how that lands in your being is critical. Is this a "yes," a "no," a "maybe," a "not now, but maybe later," or a time to say, "let me think about that and get back to you." Too often we rush to respond before we know what's true for ourselves.

This step can be done as a simple quiet reflection, on a walk, or with your journal handy to jot down what comes through as you ask.

3. Listen/Notice
Sometimes we ask the questions but we forget to take the time to also listen to the responses that are coming to us. Stay in the pause long enough that you are aware of signals and signs. Answers may drop in in the form of words or images, or you may just get a sense of what’s being communicated to you. Feel into your body as you ask and listen – your body offers great guidance. As you consider something do you get a sense of softening, relaxing, opening and expansion or is there a tightening, hardening, or constriction? Get to know your body’s way of directing you.

4. Respond
Perhaps the part we miss most often is actually responding to the information we’ve been given. We take the time to get quiet, sit with ourselves and either have a quiet reflection, meditation, or maybe some journaling time. We get answers about what our body, mind, heart, and spirit are wanting and needing.

And then we go on with our life on auto pilot. We tell ourselves we don’t have time, that we’ll get to it later (or “some day”), or it’s just not that important. We put other people’s needs before our own.

It’s really important as you develop this new way of being in relationship with yourself that you actually act upon the insights you’ve gotten. In order to begin to trust yourself, it’s important that you make yourself a priority and honor what you know you need and want; what's right for you; what you have the bandwidth for.

Either respond in the moment or make a promise to yourself. Maybe even write it down or schedule it in your calendar. You deserve your time and commitment as much as anything or anyone else in your life.

5.Celebrate
Pause again. After you’ve done the thing you said you would do to honor yourself, take the time to acknowledge yourself. You said "no" to a request. You had the hard conversation. You asked for help. You took time to intentionally begin your day... Whatever it is, don’t miss it!

Too often we simply brush it off as no big deal and move on to the next thing on our to-do list. By taking the time to pause and notice and give yourself a little smile, word of appreciation, or pat on the back, you reinforce new habits, build new patterns, and deepen your trust in yourself that you are actually taking a stand for your own peace of mind, for your own well-being. Celebrate doesn’t mean have a party (though you could), but it could mean that you intentionally do something nice for yourself as a reward for taking the time to really take good, loving care of you!

Try weaving these steps into your days and let us know how it goes. Self-care, like meditation, is a practice. We forget, we notice, we come back and begin again. It’s not a once and done thing, but rather a foundational piece to building the life you desire.

When the world rattles you, self-care can be your anchor. It can bring you home to yourself, to your center, to your knowing. It can nourish and fill you up at a time when so many other things are pulling at you and draining you.

“Self-care is being true to and gentle with yourself, one moment at a time.” – Barb Klein

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What Being in Recovery Means to Me

9/16/2021

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Young man (my son) dressed in Senior Ball suit kissing woman (me) in front of a tree

Me and my son 10 years ago (still one of my favorite moments that captures our joy and love)

September is National Recovery Month!

Recovery is possible for people with substance use disorder and for their families! And those things are not dependent on one another.

I am a family member in long-term recovery from the effects of my son’s substance use disorder.

What that means to me is that I have found a way to recover, reclaim, and live my life, while also loving my son. It means that my happiness, peace of mind, and well-being do not depend on his. It means I have accepted that we are separate individuals each walking our own journey and I can honor our paths and our bond. I am grateful to walk alongside him and for the depth of love this journey has brought forward for us.

It means that I am committed to living life fully, to embracing my days and showing up for my life, even on days when my son has struggled...even on days when I am struggling. It means taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time. It means that I have practices that help me to practice self-care and to be mindfully present - which means that I meet myself where I am honestly - some days are better than others. I am devoted to true self care as I define it: to be true to and gentle with myself one moment at a time.

It means remembering who I am and who he is before and beyond this disease. It means moving toward who we may become as we each heal and grow.

It means I have met some of the most amazing, sensitive, creative, wise, impactful , intuitive, generous and loving people who are on their own journey of recovery. They show me what’s possible and have opened my eyes and heart to the people they are beyond substance use disorder.

It means that I am committed to using the pain, lessons, love, compassion, and growth I have experienced to support others in their recovery, both family members and individuals.

It also means that I will join with other recovery advocates to break the silence and shatter the stigma around substance use disorder and call for love and compassion toward those impacted.
#recoverymonth #recoveryispossible
#familiesrecover

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One Step at a Time!

9/15/2021

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12-step programs use “one day at a time” as a guiding principle. I’ve adapted that to “one moment at a time” for years because there are simply too many moments in a day! In meditation we are often brought back to “one breath at a time,” a reminder that this is all we have. This breath. This moment.

Last week when I was in Colorado, I went on a couple of mountain hikes that were a little (or maybe a lot) out of my comfort zone. I was brought to the present moment with a snap of reality that I could only take it “one step at a time!” This became my mantra for the trip. I couldn’t miss that this is also a great metaphor for life.

As I navigated cliffside boulder fields, gradual and steep inclines, and even endless stairs (everything is on a slope there!!), I had to remember to not look too far ahead, to not look down (or up), to not look behind me. If I did, I might freak myself out!

I got experience how my open-eyed meditation practice supports me in “real life!” If I could keep my soft-eyed meditative gaze, 2-6’ ahead of me, taking in whatever was in my visual field, I could make it through bit by bit, one mindful step at a time.

Did I have to stop and catch my breath? Heck yeah! Many, many times! Did I need to allow my heartrate to come back down to normal? Um, yes! At 6400+ feet above sea level, my heart was pounding even without the added exertion and heat! Did I worry about being a drag to my companions? I did, but I talked myself through it.

Did I feel really proud of myself for getting through stuff I wasn’t at all sure I could navigate (like those boulder fields or the drop-off steps down the side of a cliff)? I did! I don’t always give myself enough credit for how strong, able, persistent, or courageous I am. Especially when it comes to physical acts. I’m comfortable with emotional, mental, and spiritual strength and endurance. But, physical…not so much. I have a ton of stories about who I am and what I can and cannot do. Lots of the time they stop me from pushing myself to my limits.

What helped was this reality guidepost – All you can do is One Step at A Time. Isn’t that what life is, after all? Just a series of single steps woven together? When we face an obstacle we don’t think we can get through, often if we just take that first step, take our time, navigate carefully through, we find ourselves on the other side having surprised ourself at our own strength, flexibility, agility, persistence, courage.

In a very real sense, I was physically exhausted, but in a way that I’m not usually. This was not the physical exhaustion that comes as a byproduct of emotional or mental over-working. This was genuine in the body, tired to the bones, shaking in my core exhaustion – the kind that also says, “You are stronger than you imagined!” The kind that invites a solid, hard night’s sleep!

I return from this trip with a sense of exhilaration, a sense of aliveness, and an awareness that I want to push myself more often now that I know I am more able than I think! I am acutely aware that this idea that “life is for living” resonates deep within me. I need to do things that bring joy, peace, connection, and maybe a little bit of challenge!

How often in life do we find ourselves thinking ahead, planning or worrying, anticipating what is coming, what might happen, or what might be needed? Dwelling on something that’s already happened? Finding ourselves out there with all the thoughts while also trying to be present… How often do we hold those thoughts not only for ourselves, but for all the people in our world (family, friends, clients, employees, the community at large…)? I watched myself do this on the return trip home – at the airport, on the roads, looking for signs, making sure we had all the necessary documentation at the ready, planning, trying to be one step ahead. It’s exhausting! (Listen to We Can Do Hard Things podcast on Overwhelm to hear more about this “ticker tape” that often runs through a person’s head!)

It was so refreshing to spend a few days not doing all of that – just allowing the days to unfold, to see where the spirit moved us to go, to be exquisitely present on a mountaintop, taking it one step at a time. Thankfully this energy still reverberates throughout my whole being – these lessons and insights will carry me back into day-to-day life. My heart is so happy and my soul is ecstatic!

How might this experience guide you? Where can you slow it down to literally one step at a time? Stop jumping too far ahead and simply allow yourself to truly be right here, right now. This moment, this next step – that’s it! Where can you let go of over-thinking, over-planning, over-worrying (especially about things that are beyond your control)?

Can you lean into the truth that often we don’t know what lies around the next corner? Can you lean into the challenge that is before you now the way I leaned into the mountainside to avoid a potentially disastrous slip? And, where and how can you give yourself a chance for a little refresh? Is there a part of you wanting to come back to life?

Life truly is for living, my friend! And, if we take it one wise step at a time, we can carry ourselves forward into places that just might surprise us! We might discover we are stronger, braver, wiser, and more skillful than we ever dreamt.

I invite you to join me and Sandra Sabene for this year’s incredible 5-day Let Your Light Shine! Retreat that begins on September 24th! This is a great chance for you to live into this idea of one step at a time! It’s an opportunity to slow down, to see what calls you, moment by moment. It’s a chance to connect with your heart and inner guidance. It’s a chance to be nourished in so many ways – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! It’s a chance to take yourself out into nature – to hike the woods, walk the labyrinth, sit by the fire… a chance to dance, sing, play, create, as well as a chance to deeply connect within.

What are you taking away? Please share!!

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Making Tough Choices

8/10/2021

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Last week I wrote about disappointing people and how sometimes we make choices that do disappoint others. We make those choices to be honest and true to ourselves. If you missed that and want to check it out, you can find that here.

It’s also worth pointing out that the reality of life is sometimes we just will disappoint others, even when we don’t know we are. Not by choice. Not intentionally. But just by the things we do or the way we show up (or how we don’t). There’s no getting around it and you can make yourself crazy trying to make all the people happy all the time. It can’t be done… so, let go of that. And this is why we come back to the notion of being true to ourselves as a guiding light.

I have a strong hunch when we are true to the best version of ourselves (which is really what I’m talking about), you are not going to go out and ruthlessly hurt other people. If you have any concern that this will lead to reckless narcissism or deep selfishness, you can probably let that go!

And, when you are not living true to your best self, when you are being what you think other people want or need you to be, the best version of yourself cannot show up to the world. It has been relegated to the basement or some back dark room… its hunkered down longing to come alive.

Often, we stay stuck and don’t follow our hearts or our dreams because we are so afraid we’re going to let someone else down. Sometimes we don’t follow a dream because it’s scary to see it come to life (this is a weird one but I have experienced it a couple of times when life-long dreams were about to come true… glad I persisted through the discomfort and allowed them to unfold anyway).

Sooooo… let’s look at when it might be risky to make a decision because you’re not clear on whether this decision will honor you or is simply an attempt to try to please someone else.

When NOT to make a decision:
- When you’re feeling exhausted, depleted, drained, or overwhelmed. It’s highly unlikely that you’re able to access your true guidance in these states and you’re much more likely to default to what feels easiest, least controversial or bothersome. It will be easy to collapse and defer to what others are telling you or to just do what you’ve always done.
- When you’re doing it solely for someone else (with a boatload of resentment or ickiness brewing beneath the surface, even if you have the best intentions). Unless you can get to a place where you know that you are consciously choosing, it’s better to hold off if you can.

I’ve had very dear friends almost spend a lot of money and time to take a retreat or program I’m offering “to support me.” No! Please don’t do that! I appreciate the thought, but quite honestly, I don’t want you there unless you’re there for yourself! Leave the spot open for someone who truly feels called to be there.

- When your choice is based on what others will think of you. You’re not in their heads – you have no idea what they will think! And, more often than not, the people you are giving a vote to aren’t even people you care that much about! So, let that shit go! Who cares what someone else thinks about whether you add one more pet to your family, where you go on vacation, how you spend your days, that you don’t want to have a child or get married, or that you want to date after all these years?

- When you can’t think clearly. When you’re in the thick of something, especially something upsetting, you might feel constricted, forced, or limited. You may see no option or way out. This is a time to step back and find some breathing room before moving forward. Sometimes there is a true urgency that requires action anyway – I still recommend at least a few minutes of deep breathing just to slow down, pause, and interrupt that spinning cycle that could lead to impulsive reactive choices.
Sometimes the “urgency” is not real or something that someone else is trying to impose upon you (pushy sales people and disreputable businesses trying to make you “buy now! Time is running out!” BS). For me, that’s a red flag. If someone can’t give me time to think something through, then my answer will be “No!” I used to tell my kids, “If you make me answer you now, the answer is no. If you give me some time to think about it, it might be yes. I don’t know yet…” Amazing how patient they became when I didn’t cave in to fabricated pressure.

Good news! There are things that can help take you from a place of confusion into making a solid decision that you can stand behind and feel good about!

Some things that help to make a hard choice that feels good (in alignment with your heart and soul):

Time and space to breathe! BREATHE. PAUSE. If you know me at all, you’ve likely heard this a thousand times… because it bears repeating. Because it’s something I need to continue to remember. The less time you feel you have, the more important it is to take time.
Get quiet. Get grounded. See #1… and also maybe put your bare feet on the grass, take a breath of fresh outdoor air, gaze at the clouds, into a pond, or the flame of a fire. Find something that works for you to bring you back to you. Listen within. Step away from outside voices and opinions.
Move from your head into your heart. It helps to place your hands on your heart, close your eyes, and imagine breathing into this space. Ask for guidance from this heart space. You’ll know if the response you get is from your mind or your heart – the mind will try to convince, justify, rationalize, or defend a position. The heart knows. You will sense your answer rather than think it. It may not make sense to the mind, even if you get the heart buzz that says, “this is the choice to make.”
Feel into each possibility you’re considering. From a quiet, heart-centered place, where you’ve given yourself space to listen within, play out the scenario of “yes” or “no” or option A or option B, C, D…in your imagination and notice how your body feels, how your breathing responds. Is there a sense of openness, expansion, softening? Or do you feel tight, constricted, restricted? What do you make of that? Your body is a great GPS or North Star when you learn to tune into it in this way. I’ve recorded this guided meditation to support you with this exploration.
Free write about each possibility – allow your hand to move across the page as you handwrite, “If I do/choose ____...” for each one – write for a few minutes without stopping to think. When you think you’ve written all there is to say, ask yourself, “And what else?” and see what comes through. The key is to keep the pen moving so that you can tap in beneath the surface – allow yourself to be surprised. You may or may not get the answer you expected.
MAYBE talk it through with someone you trust who can help you to reflect – someone who can listen not only to what you’re saying, but for what’s not being said, for changes in your energy, changes in your voice. A good sounding board is someone who helps you arrive at your own answers. The people closest to you are not always good sounding boards, particularly if your decision might upset their life in some way. A counselor, coach, or trusted friend might be.
Listen for and notice any deeply ingrained conditioning, patterns or vows that may be coming into play and influencing you one way or the other. Things like, “I’m not someone who…” or “I swore I could never…” “things aren’t supposed to come easily – this must be too good to be true” are signs that an unconscious program is running the show. This is a great time to get curious – ask yourself, “Is that still true? Does this serve me now? What if…?”
Notice if you’re holding onto one thing while reaching for the next. Sometimes we have to let go of one bank of the river to reach the other side but we hold on, straddling both shores, being stretched thin, for fear of what we might lose if we let go. Fear of stepping into the unknown can keep us stuck even if staying with what’s known is no longer healthy, fun, or beneficial. Knowing what you’re moving toward can help make it easier to release the past. Sometimes the energy that comes from releasing and letting go can open the doors to what’s next. Sometimes we have to be willing to move forward and step into uncertainty because we don’t know how it’s going to turn out (truth bomb, you will never know how it’s going to turn out until it does… and it will never turn out at all if you don’t take a chance).

As you find yourself facing these tough decisions, know that the dream may not take the form you had imagined (I went through this when we bought our current home – we had to let go of several along the way to land in one that wasn’t at all what I imagined it would be, and yet it’s perfect for what we wanted. You can read a bit about this idea in Softening Your Gaze on a Dream.)

Invitations come that seem like they are leading us down a particular path, when in reality they may only be there to open us up to something within us or to help us clarify a definite “no.” Just because you get invited to something does not mean it’s a sign from the Universe. The Universe will put many things in your path – you still get to choose whether to pick them up, move around them, or avoid them completely.

Also, please remember, very few decisions are forever. We can keep ourselves stuck thinking “this is the only shot I’ll get at this” or “I have to get this right because this is the last job, relationship, pet, car…” I will ever have. Relax...

Allow yourself permission to play with the next move that feels right in this moment. Might you lose some money or time on a decision if you change your mind later? Sure… but is that the end of the world? I have walked away from years of education and training, thousands of dollars invested in a path that isn’t right for me anymore. I have walked away from jobs I have put years of dedication into. I have left friendships that are no longer supportive. I have supported many others to do the same – to set themselves free in service of their soul. We grow. We evolve. We become the next iteration of ourselves. Every experience, every bit of life along the way has served in some way. Nothing is a waste. It’s all led to this moment in time which is leading to the next.

What choices are you facing that you’re having a hard time making? What opportunities are waiting?

Give yourself permission to play. To try, experiment, give it a chance if it’s calling you now. Give yourself permission to change your mind down the road if that’s what’s right then. None of us can see into the future. We can only do the best we can with what we have right here and now.

The “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast (with Glennon Doyle who got me started on this whole exploration of disappointing ourselves or others) just had a great episode on Quitting! Check it out. Fascinating the narratives we run about this word that can be used positively (as in quit smoking) or negatively (as in “You’re a quitter!”)! What stories do you tell yourself about quitting? Who would you be if you did?

Get curious about how gentle or harsh you are being with yourself as you consider these choices that keep you up at night and choose the gentler path. You deserve your own compassion as you navigate these uncharted waters.

What helps you to make a tough decision?

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Disappointing People

8/4/2021

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One thing I love about Glennon Doyle is that she is NOT afraid to address hard things or put radical ideas out there that take our breath away! One that has stayed with me since reading Untamed is this: In a conversation with her middle-school aged daughter, Tish, when Tish was worrying about not choosing to join a club that her brother wanted her to, Glennon sagely advised, “Then don’t.” “But I don’t want to disappoint him.” What followed brings me to tears every time I really take it in. Here’s Glennon to Tish:
“Listen. Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself…Especially me.”

Whew! Woah! Let me catch my breath and let’s look at that. I certainly didn’t have a mother who encouraged me to disappoint anyone, especially her (not that she was openly disappointed with me often, but this was not the rule of the game of life).

I do not read this as a directive to set out to hurt others or to intentionally see how many people you can disappoint. But I do see it as an opportunity to not abandon, sacrifice, or disappoint yourself, which I think we do way too frequently without giving it a second thought. This is an invitation to possibly get really uncomfortable as you find a new way to be in the world.

How often do you set your needs or desires aside because of what someone else needs or wants? How often do you think nothing of disappointing yourself? Honestly...

Last week I wrote about being true to yourself as part of my definition for self-care in A Fresh Take on Self-Care. Being true to ourselves, honoring ourselves, is at the heart of true and deep self-care. It is also key to being in integrity.

And, listen, sometimes when we are true to ourselves, when we make a decision that honors our sweet heart, body, or soul, someone we care about very much might be disappointed. When we say “no” to an invitation or opportunity. When we refuse a request because we just don’t have it in us or it doesn’t feel right at this moment. When we say “yes” to something that conflicts with another’s desire, we will disappoint someone else.

Life is full of choices. Every “yes” is a “no” to something else, and so there are lots of opportunities for disappointing someone!

When you make a choice to leave a job, end a relationship, sell the family home, move far away from all your people, say “no” to helping, etc… someone will likely be sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed.

What happens inside you when you consider disappointing someone you really care about? How does that feel in your body?
What is the story you tell yourself about who you would be if you disappointed another person?

I don’t know about you, but I get a little queasy. I may have a story that this isn’t what a “nice person” or a “good mother/daughter/sister/friend” does. I might try to dance around making that decision. I will surely delay as long as possible. I will consider heavily just giving in or settling for what they want, because it feels easier. It feels familiar. It’s what I’ve done for decades. Far easier to disappoint me – then I only have to deal with myself!

I wish I had had a parent who gave me permission or even implored me to disappoint others in order to avoid hurting my own heart or spirit. I wish I had been that mother for my kids… I wasn’t, but I’m getting there. I feel the strength and freedom in the incredible gift Glennon gave her daughter in this moment. One small conversation with a middle school girl gave her permission to follow her own path, to trust her heart, to honor her joy. Whewie! Let’s have more of that please!

I haven’t yet explicitly shared it with my young adult kids, but I hope to. I want to set them free of needing to be or do anything for me (or anyone) that goes against their spirit.

Your turn to reflect…

~ What is the cost of disappointing yourself to avoid disappointing others?
~ How do you get clear about making a decision that is FOR you even if it seems to be against someone else? What if there’s more to it (because there always is)?
~ How can you take a stand for yourself, have your own back and communicate your message in a way that is clean, clear, and straightforward?
~ What helps you to make these choices, even when they are painfully hard?
~ When have you had to do this and how has it worked out for you? What are the upsides of disappointing others to avoid disappointing yourself?
~ How might you play with this idea? Who might you share it with? Who might you free?

Please share. Please share your reflections and thoughts about this whole idea… it’s a dicey one! And one that feels like a really important game-changer in this thing called life.

Stay tuned for next week’s post with more thoughts about making these tough decisions!

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What are Your Defining Moments?

4/6/2021

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Preparing for a recent podcast conversation with Sandra Sabene, I pondered a question she offered up. What have been the defining moments of my life? Those pivotal moments of impact, the ones we might label “bad” and “awesome.”

For me, these moments have been heart and soul moments – not mind, logic, or typical measures of success moments.

They have been the following my heart and listening to the call of my soul moments that have stirred something inside, shaking me awake, nudging me forward, calling me to show up… even when it’s been hard or I haven’t wanted to. These are the moments that have made me more alive, more me…

These moments let me step fully into the life I have been given, even when I really didn’t like how things were going. The times I did not get stuck in a puddle of victimhood forever, but rose up, stepped forward. These are the times I’ve been able to create something from the pain, work toward initiating change, being part of something new.

Consistently they are moments that that energize and activate me – the moments that say, “We’re off on the next great adventure,” or “Oh boy…here we go, whether I like it or not…”

For me they have often come after major hurdles in life that have threatened to stop me, break me, or bring me to my knees. Sometimes these moments came through death or devastation.

At times they have been excruciatingly painful – they have stopped me and torn me apart, throwing me off a path I desperately wanted to be on. Until (with a lot of loving help and support) I was able to start crawling forward.

Sometimes they came through inspiration and excitement (often a powerful combination of terror and excitement). The words that come pouring through from some unknown place. The art that calls to be created. The move that says, “It’s time!”

Reflecting on several decades of life helped me to realize that there is not ONE defining moment in our lives, but rather a wide collection of them that have brought us to this day.

Defining moments are the “right” steps and the seeming “mis-steps” along the way on the path called YOU. They are the significant yeses and the critical no’s of rejecting what “makes sense,” walking away from what does not fit, and sometimes turning away from the thing you thought you were supposed to be or do.

They are the waking up and coming alive moments. The moments of daring, courage, hearts breaking open. The times you listen to the nudges that get you to the next right place, that bring in the right people at the right time. These are often times you can’t explain or justify (and likely you don’t care to!).

The times you break through the fear and do what you know you have to do, be it “good” or “bad,” easy or tremendously challenging.

More often than not, we don’t know these are defining moments until years later when we look back and see where they’ve led, what they’ve given birth to. At that moment when we stepped into the dark abyss we could never have imagined where it was taking us.

These are the moments when you learn something new about who you are and what you can handle – the times you learn a little bit more about what you stand for. What you will and won’t tolerate. What you absolutely must take action on. The times you make the hard calls or take the bold risks and do the thing even though you’re shaking in your boots.

They are the moments of grace that allow things to unfold as they are meant to on a universal scale, not in the man-made version of life. Only time will reveal the outcome for many of these moments. All we can do is show up for what’s here now – right in this moment. We may not have any idea how it will go.

These are the moments that make the butterflies swarm in your belly, your heart pound through your chest, your whole being get a little dizzy wondering, “Am I really doing this?”

The ability of the heart to find its way back to a friendship that seemed to be lost, to show up for a loved one who is lost in the darkness, the trusting that somehow, we will be all right, no matter what happens… moving into and through fear, into joy and allowing ourselves to feel it all.

These are the defining moments of a life, and I truly am grateful for my wide collection of them.

The Way It Is
By William Stafford

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

Through these moments are woven threads that come from the heart and soul, the essence of who you truly are.

What are your defining moments? Take a moment to soak into them and feel how they feel in your body? I’ve recorded this meditation to guide you through this process if you like.

And if you’d like to hear the conversation that was lit from the spark of this exploration, you can catch it here at Arts & Healing with Sandra.

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Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

12/21/2020

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Today marks the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. On this darkest day of the year, the pivotal moment between dark and light, it is the perfect time to honor the darkness that has come into our lives through addiction. It is a time to honor those who have been lost to the disease, to remember them with love. It is a time to honor the struggle and the perseverance of those who are on the journey of recovery, and to honor ourselves and other loved ones who have also found a way through the darkness.

In honoring the darkness and in grieving the losses we have endured, we bring those moments into the light. When we bring them into the light, they are no longer hiding in the shadows, lurking in shame, or hidden in silence. We claim and name our experience. We see it for what it has been. We presence it.

When we do this, we are able to step forward into the light. Just as the days begin to get longer with a bit more light from tomorrow on, we too can begin to bring more light into our homes and our beings.

Addiction is a painful disease, as you undoubtedly know. It affects everyone in its wake and can take down entire families with the weight of its suffering.

However (and this is a big however), the journey from darkness to light does not have to take us out forever. It is possible to find hope, joy, peace, love, and to create a brighter tomorrow, even when we have been impacted by addiction.

If you are reading this, you are alive, and for that fact alone there is reason to celebrate. You have been given the opportunity to live one more day. What will you do with this one precious life you have been given? How will you set your soul free to express itself? What is uniquely yours to do?

Is there some way to honor your journey up to this very moment--the good, the bad, and the ugly, the full messiness of it all? The painful, the joyous, the fearfulness, and the hope? Whatever it’s looked like in the past, today marks a new day, albeit a short one. Tomorrow offers the light of fresh possibility, as each day does. How do you want to step into tomorrow?

If we are able to find a way to turn our pain (or darkness) into possibility (or light), we can transform these heavy experiences into something that serve and support us and others. We can show up for life more fully. We can become who we were born to be.

Let’s face it, 2020 has carried a full load of darkness, collectively, along with anything that you might have experienced personally.

For many the holidays are emotionally-charged times and may bring in a healthy mix of emotions… sadness, joy, celebration, loneliness. I know I will be feeling both sadness for those who are not with us during this holiday season as well as joy and gratitude for those who are.

There is room for it all. When we allow ourselves to feel it all, to allow our hearts to carry this messy mix of what makes us human, we are able to move through it.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brene Brown

So, let this pivotal day be a day that marks the honoring of both the dark and the light. Let us take a step back and look at the big picture of our lives and recognize that our experiences have not been all good or all bad, but rather a mix of both.

Addiction can entomb us with its heavy cloak of darkness if we let it, but we can choose to lift up the corner of that cloak and peek outside. We can lay down the heaviness and step into the light. We get to choose.

We may well prefer the moments of lightness, light-heartedness, and light in general, but there is also a gift to receive during the dark and challenging times. We must be willing to sit with this part of our reality if we are to truly enjoy the light.

I have found that it is in the dark where I have grown the most. I wonder if that might be true for you as well. I offer you this poem for consideration.

The Places We Grow
It’s in the dark,
in the shadows,
where we stretch and grow.

We face ourselves
and see a new or forgotten aspect,
a piece we’d rather ignore or deny.

But there it is…
staring us down,
daring us to change,
to find a new way,
or to simply come into acceptance.

Sometimes it’s about overcoming
or adjusting.
Finding a way to do this with
love, compassion,
and gentle communion.

Honoring the self…
who I am,
where I am,
what I need,
what my baggage is.

And stepping into a deeper layer,
excavating and shifting,
allowing new light in,
and new hope out.

These are the places we grow –
often watered
and nourished with tears.
© Barb Klein, 2016, “The Places We Grow,” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

Where and how can you nourish yourself today? How might you allow some new light in--to your being, to your life? How can you allow a little more hope to shine into the world?

Begin by greeting yourself exactly where you are--gently, with tenderness, care, and compassion. Offer yourself the space and grace to feel into what’s alive within your heart at this moment. Ask your heart what it needs at this moment to be truly nurtured and nourished. Then respond accordingly. You deserve your own loving care.

We are on the cusp of a new year and we can only hope that 2021 is bringing with it new possibility, hope, and fresh beginnings. Today let’s pause. Let’s look at our lives and our loved ones with reverence. Let’s honor this journey where we have walked, crawled, and stumbled while we look ahead to the light of new creativity. Let’s let this darkest day of the year—December 21-- be a personal pivotal moment for us to enter an illuminated future.

* Originally published in MomPower. org

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Cultivating a Relationship of Self-Trust

12/20/2020

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How well do you trust yourself? Really trust yourself for things like listening to your inner guidance, being with yourself through all of your experiences, listening to your body, and having your own back?

We live in a world that encourages us not to trust ourselves… not believing in ourselves, looking outward for answers, guidance, solutions. Buy this makeup, follow this diet, change your world. Listen to this guru who knows what you need (and is all too happy to tell you so!). Follow this trend…

Furthermore, most of us have a loud and ferocious inner critic who is all too happy to tell us all the things that are wrong with us – causing us to doubt ourselves or beat ourselves up when we think we’ve said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, or are considering taking a big bold leap into something new. “Who do you think you are?” is often a familiar refrain.

Is it any wonder that many of us struggle in this area? Trusting ourselves, believing in ourselves, being with ourselves through joy and pain is not something that has been taught or encouraged.

I was inspired to explore this topic after discussing one of Susan Piver’s talks (which you can find here) with my Meditation Instructors Group. One of the key takeaways for me was that turning toward our experience, leaning into our feelings, is a critical element to cultivating a trusting relationship with ourselves. Feeling the reassurance that we have the capacity to be with ourselves, to make room for our feelings, to be with the unknown, not that we have all of the answers, but that we resourced enough to turn toward what is here, moment by moment.

Trusting ourselves comes into play when we find ourselves facing a familiar uncomfortable scenario – remembering things we have been through in the past and acknowledging past courage, strength, resilience. We can also trust that we have grown and changed since the last time we’ve been confronted with a situation; we are not the same person, so we can respond differently this time.

Building a loving relationship of gentleness, compassion, and kindness toward ourselves allows us to come home to ourselves in a way that feels safe because we can trust that we will be received in a way that is welcoming. When we can learn to trust ourselves, when we find ourselves worthy of our trust, life changes.

I invite you to play with this idea. Try trusting your intuition, your gut, your wisdom and guidance, your ability to know what you need and to ask for help when you need it. Play with the idea that you’ve got this (whatever “this” is) and at the very least you will walk with yourself through it, finding your way.

Value your own opinion and ideas. Respect your own experience. Cherish your moments of delight. Sit with your moments of sadness and fear, knowing you don’t have to push through or jump over anything – you get to be exactly where you are, moment by moment! The more you meet yourself in this way, the stronger this practice will become. The more deeply you will find yourself in a place of centered self-trust.

I’ve recorded this short talk and meditation for you to support your exploration.

If you’d like to receive weekly meditations from me, email me and say “please add me to the meditation list!” and you will receive one each Wed. AM.

Please share your thoughts, reflections, and insights below!

Wishing you peace, love, and trust!

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Lessons Learned from My Mom...

11/1/2020

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This time of year marks the anniversary of my mom’s passing. It’s been 17 years now, and I have been reflecting on the life and love I was blessed to share with her while she was here. I thought it would break me to lose her, and it didn’t. I still feel her with me, even now. She lives on in my heart.

My mother was a beautiful blend of sweetness, gentleness, kindness, shyness, humility, feigned incompetence, and fierce fiery grit. This woman would helplessly ask me to change her clock time or her lightbulb, but she faced cancer like a warrior woman!

Here are just a few of the lessons I learned from my dear mother:

Do not collapse when you think you can’t go on – You are stronger than you think!
When my dad left her for another woman after 32 years in an era when a woman’s only job was to devote her entire life and being to her family, she did not collapse. Facing unwanted independence in her early 50’s, she showed up for herself. She hadn’t worked since her 20’s, but she launched herself into temp work that ultimately led her to a position in our local library that she held onto into her early 70’s because she loved it so much.

Kindness is the way to go. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
When a waitress was particularly gruff, rather than getting upset about how badly we were being treated, Mom brought in gentleness, understanding and compassion… offering “Maybe she just broke up with her boyfriend…”

Don’t bear a grudge – forgive and bring loving compassion to people and situations, even when it doesn’t seem reasonable
After my parents’ divorce, she never spoke unkindly about my dad and encouraged us to be involved with him. She found a way to forgive, I guess. I don’t think she had a bitter bone in her body, but rather gave people grace, compassion, and loving kindness.

Flow with what life brings your way
I always knew I would lose my mother too early in my life – she was 44 when she had me, after all. I was undoubtedly an accident (ultimately a happy one, I believe) after my parents adopted my oldest brother when it seemed they couldn’t have kids, and subsequently gave birth to 4 more. It had been 10 years since a baby had been in the home and my sister was deathly ill. I don’t know how my mom did it, but somehow, she created a loving home for one more. She opened her arms to a baby, tended to her daughter in the hospital, cared for the others, and pulled it all together – finding a way to clean the house, cook the meals, bake the cookies, and love on us as if we were all that mattered. She was the epitome of a good mother!

Be free!! Enjoy this life.
When I was 12, my dad left us, having found a woman who he thought better matched his intellectual and adventurous tendencies. While devastating in some ways, this also deepened the richness of my life with my mom and our opportunities to live our own adventurous life! I was the only one at home, so we bonded together and began to travel the world – we ate out more often, we laughed more often, we found things we enjoyed doing together, and we became best friends. We made it through, and we made it through in style, choosing to live rather than crumple into a defeated puddle. St. Croix, Disney, Texas, Arizona, and cruises called to us, and we said “Yes!” Summers were spent at our cottage in the Finger Lakes, playing cards, savoring root beer floats, entertaining friends and family, and basking in the beauty and peace of this place that mom had bought with her own money.

Don’t be fooled by the soft veneer – underneath a mighty giant lies in wait to awaken when she is called
When Mom was 72, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent treatment involving surgery, radiation, and medication. Grateful to live nearby I was able to support this modest woman with wound care, meals, home care, and rides. She went on to beat this cancer and found remission. She lived life and enjoyed her family, friends, work, music, theater, and travel. Cancer was not going to stop her.

Persevere in the face of adversity
6 years later, a new cancer came, likely a result of the medication she had taken for the breast cancer. She stayed with us post-surgery and my family and I were able to support her through recovery, and the ongoing chemo. She loved her medical team and even seemed to look forward to her chemo days. She did all that she could to beat this disease so that she could continue to thrive.

When the choice is life, choose it!
For nearly three decades she had shown me what it could be like to live life fully, and she wasn’t about to stop now. She made the decision to leave the home she had lived in for about 20 years to move into a senior living facility in order to have community and support. Moving is always a big transition, but she handled it with grace and ease. She enjoyed meeting new people and sharing activities and meals with them.

When it’s time to go, go in your own way.
On the day before her death, my sister and I (having no idea that the end was so near) visited with her, cleaned her apartment, ironed her clothes and got things in order. I think this mattered a lot in the sense that things were “tidied up.” She had hurt herself in a fall over a week before and was in a good deal of pain, food no longer tasted good and that was a big loss for my mom – she loved to enjoy her food!

I don’t even know why, but I asked her if she sometimes wished she could just die, and she acknowledged that yes, she did. I suspect there was an unspoken permission to go in that conversation. She told the nurse that night that she wished she could just close her eyes and drift away… this seems to be exactly what she did. They found her the next morning, “unconscious and unresponsive.”

And, though it wasn’t the end I envisioned, because I strongly wanted to be with her by her side as she passed, I realize she would never have wanted that. She loved us but would not have wanted to distress us with her final breaths. I find comfort in witnessing how much choice she seemed to have in the timing of her departure – before the cancer that was invading her belly took over and things got really miserable. She went at the exact age she had always told me “seemed like a good age to die.” She had lived a full, rich, and loving life, and she was ready to be done.

Love transcends time and space.
I still feel her here with me, breathing through me, inside of me, emanating out, supporting me as I move through my life. I know she walks with me, loves me, and looks over us all. I can lean into her soft and gentle embrace (I can still feel how gloriously smooth, warm, and soft her skin was). I can remember her tender look and feel. I am softened by her sweetness. I thought it would kill me to lose her. It hasn’t. It has added to my will to live, and I will be forever grateful for that!

I love you and miss you every day, Mama Bear!! Thank you for being my mother and my best friend!

p.s. a few more lessons that might have supported me and might serve you well:
Baking soothes the soul (as do the smell and taste of fresh-baked bread, cookies, and cake!)!!
There’s always time and room for “a little something” (her version of a shared sweet treat)
Live well, laugh often, love deeply!
Wishing you a little something sweet this week!!

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Less is More

5 Simple Steps to Self-Care

What Being in Recovery Means to Me

One Step at a Time!

Making Tough Choices

Disappointing People

What are Your Defining Moments?

Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

Cultivating a Relationship of Self-Trust

Lessons Learned from My Mom...

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