Inspired Possibility Blog

Slow it All Down... Even when Times are Urgent

3/14/2025

“The times are urgent. Let us slow down.” – Báyò Akómoláfé

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” —Viktor Frankl

Image by kewl from Pixabay

In these urgent times, what if the most essential thing we can do is slow it all down? Claim the space that Frankl speaks of – the space where power to choose lies. Taking The Pause is the basis for everything else – for tending well to yourself, building relationships, acting mindfully, and creating the life and world you want to live in. Pausing, slowing down, is incredibly powerful, but not easy. Slowing things down requires you to break the pattern of reactivity which may have led to trouble in the past. Pausing helps you establish new patterns and attunes you to your wisdom, your values, while giving access to deeper clarity and insight. Without slowing down, it’s easy to get caught up in our stories, feelings, and fears. So easy! I do it on a regular basis.

Slowing down grounds us in this moment. We can face what’s here and come to grips with this moment’s reality: “Here we are…” - a moment of reckoning that might be missed if you’re hellbent on getting to the next thing or swept up in an emotional tidal wave. Too often, noticing here we are is followed in a nano-second by, “so what do we do now?” The mind desperately wants to seize control of the situation, to fix things, to solve a problem. Sometimes that’s warranted and appropriate and other times we need time – to feel, to settle, to open our heart and mind. The Pause gives you space for all of that and allows insights and ideas to emerge.

“Do you have the patience to wait
Till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
Till the right action arises by itself?”
― Lao tzu

When the world’s on fire or you have a child who’s struggling, the suggestion to wait, to remain unmoving can feel laughable, impossible, irresponsible. Your whole being screams “There is no time to wait! This is a crisis!”

And yet, there is very little that doesn’t benefit from slowing down and taking a pause, be it for three breaths, three hours, or thirty days. Unless there is fire raging or blood gushing in front of you now (which I doubt there is or you wouldn’t be reading these words), you likely can grant yourself and the situation a little time and space.

You can move more effectively after taking time to quiet down, re-set, and feel what is here. Stepping out of the fray allows you to question your thinking while you listen and receive wisdom, insight, guidance, and even a renewed energy to face what’s next. The right action may arise when you’re not so constricted in fear, trying to force a decision.

Without taking the pause, we find ourselves in reactive, fearful, conditioned, and habitual ways of behaving, and we may act prematurely without thinking things through. If, instead, we allow the mind to settle, we will see more clearly, feel what’s ours to do when the time is right, and begin to get curious about what’s needed or wanted. The fear, anger, and sadness don't necessarily go away, but the pause has given you time to check in with yourself and to find the wisdom in these feelings. To get grounded. To hear what’s true for you, rather than jump to comply or please others. It’s one way to avoid over-extending yourself.

Pausing is the essence of care, compassion, respect, and curiosity. The pause broadens our lens to see the bigger picture – all that’s here, including whatever feels problematic, and also beauty and goodness. Pause expands our thinking and opens up space for different ideas to emerge. Pausing isn’t the same as strategizing or plotting how to control or overpower a situation, but rather a break to open up to possibilities that may currently be hidden from view.

So, what does it look like to slow down or pause?

In the midst of traffic or in an argument, rather than overheating or exploding, the pause could be as simple as mindfully taking a few deep breaths to calm yourself down rather than laying on the horn or yelling back
Upon hearing disturbing news for the umpteenth time in an hour, you might go for a walk and then come back to read the insights of someone you trust to help you decide what action, if any, you would like to take. You begin to discern what’s yours to do, what you have the capacity for, as you accept the reality that none of us can save the whole world by ourselves.
Slowing down may mean we talk something through with a trusted friend or counselor before making a move.
In a time of overwhelm, exhaustion, or conflict, you might give yourself a loving timeout, not as a punishment, but as a gift to all. Taking yourself to your room or out for a walk or drive as a chance to reset, re-ground, calm racing thoughts or heart so you don’t say or do something you’ll regret later
In response to a relationship that’s wearing you down, you might choose to take a longer break and not engage for a number of days or weeks
A healthy pause could be mindfully deciding to take social media off your phone so that it’s not so easy to find yourself doom-scrolling in every empty moment

When I slow down I feel more open, more expansive, more inclusive. My mind stops its incessant racing and fretting. I breathe more steadily. I find my ground, feeling the solidity of the earth holding me. I see and hear things in my environment – I don’t rush over the bridge, missing the sea turtle lounging in the murky water. I notice angels in the clouds. I revel at the beauty, mystery, and magnificence of the everyday miracles of sunrise and sunset. I breathe again. And again. And again. Until I can feel the choices that are mine to make and discern which one is right for this moment. I find the strength and inner guidance to choose rather than giving in to the shouting of others about what I have to do. I feel my pain, anger, fear. I cry the tears that have been held in too long. And gradually, because everything is always shifting, my mood and my energy shift too and I am able to take my next step. From here, I can show up to life more like the person I want to be. I catch myself the next time I've sped up and gotten caught in a reactivity loop, regroup, and begin again.

When I don’t slow down people could get hurt – I whack my head on a doorknob because I was moving too quickly and not paying attention, or I bite someone’s head off because I'm overwhelmed. I react rather than respond, and I’m much less likely to be the person I want to be. I miss out on all that’s here, tightly focused on only what’s wrong or scary, even when I’m with people I love in a safe, comfortable environment. My mind can carry me away and hold me hostage with it’s beliefs, thoughts, and opinions about what’s going on and what should be. I amp myself up in a frenzied, reactive state. I lose sleep. I eat crap, seeking comfort from chips and ice cream. It’s not good for me or anyone or anything when I’m swept up in chaotic energy.

This message to slow down is one that Love gives me regularly (when I take the time to ask and record her response). Here’s one of her messages from just the other day when I found myself rapidly spiraling: “Slow it down. Bring it in. What is within your reach? What can you do that will help settle you? Stay off social media today – all day. Organize your piles. Get outdoors and breathe fresh air. Watch the ocean. Listen to the birds. Take the time you have to savor the time you have. Stop trying to put out fires everywhere. Breathe. A lot. Pause and breathe. You need the oxygen. Trust me – your brain will thank you. Laugh. Love fiercely. Nothing can stop your ability to laugh and love. Calm it down. Bring it in, and love on yourself. Fiercely love.” (you can see more about my practice of interacting with Love and inviting in this wisdom in Love’s Wishes)

Your thoughts?
How does this land with you? Helpful? Annoying? Ridiculous?
What works for you? How do you slow things down?
How and when would the mighty pause benefit you?
How can this idea help you be who you want to be and how you want to engage with life?

Maybe we can’t save the world, but we can support our presence to be of benefit to it.
Who do you want to be and how do you want to show up? Good guiding questions in a life that feels out of control.

And a song to speak to your heart... We don't Know We're Living

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Anger & Fear

2/15/2025

4 Comments

“Anger is sadness’s bodyguard,” Paul Denniston said recently in a Grief Yoga® class. I heard it. It stayed with me. And, in my mind, it became, “anger is fear’s bodyguard.” As someone who has always been afraid of anger and what might blow up if it was unleashed, I’m wondering if maybe I’m even more afraid of the tender bits of fear and sadness.

I can see now I was angry with Nate so often because I was too afraid to feel my fear. What would I have had to feel if I had softened and removed the protective armor of anger? Would I become weak, at risk? As a toddler, I had big temper tantrums. I’ve had a few as an adult too – when they come it’s always out of a place of feeling trapped, wanting to jump out of my skin. When I was a kid, none of the “negative” emotions were allowed. I could only hold them for so long before things blew up. At other times I’ve experienced depression - maybe an implosion from emotions stuffed away for too long?

Fear and sadness are vulnerable, exposing. It’s risky to express them or even give them voice in my own mind. Sometimes I withhold my sadness and fear for fear of infecting others, which leaves me carrying the weight alone. That sucks! And so, I’m likely to try to talk myself out of those feelings. Which I know isn’t helpful or healthy.

One of the things I love about my meditation practice is its inclusivity. As we sit with our breath, we don’t push anything away. Thoughts come and go, sometimes taking us with them until we wake up and bring ourselves back to the breath. Emotions move through, but nothing needs to be denied, ignored, or pushed away. In welcoming them all, they have room to breathe and space to be. They don’t need to escalate to get our attention. As we relax with them a bit, they too relax.

In my grief I’ve become far more comfortable with sadness because I know it’s understandable, rational. No one’s going to tell me I’m crazy for feeling sad. My son died, for heaven’s sake!

But fear? Seems like lots of people want to question my fear or tell me I’m being ridiculous, I’ve been lied to, it’s not going to be as bad as I think… As those messages trickle in, a little voice inside of me joins in. Self-doubt arises, despite the evidence I have that my fear is warranted.

Fear needs a place to express – to not be gaslit into oblivion! Can we gaslight ourselves? Seems we can.

Fear is real and reasonable. Please spare me the “False Evidence Appearing Real” bypass! It’s deeply offensive when people are facing indisputable threats to their well-being.

Fear tells us to pay attention – to check things out. To be discerning. It’s a built-in survival mechanism that alerts us when something is “off.”

Maybe if we turned toward our fear and befriended it, it ‘ll visit at times and take a rest at times, leaving us alone to rest. If we push it away, ignore it, or slam the door in its tender little face, it only grows stronger and nags more. It’s here. It’s part of me and for the rest of my life, it will show up at different times in varying ways.

When I deny my fear, it comes out sideways, in snarky comments, or bigger blasts of rage.

Fear is tender. It needs tender care and gentle respect. I’ve never thought so compassionately about this bit of me I’d rather not have.

Don’t talk yourself out of fear too quickly. Sit with it and ask what it wants you to know. (*Please take care of yourself as you consider making this inquiry. If you find yourself getting more agitated or traumatized, find someone to talk it through with - a counselor or trusted friend who can provide a safe space). If it feels ok and safe enough, go ahead and explore:
If fear runs away with you (as it is very good at!), keep it in healthy dialogue:

Is that really true? If it is, is there an action I can take so I don’t feel helpless?
Do I know without a doubt how this will end? I cannot know, so I can breathe with that truth.
What’s true in this moment, right here? Can I ground myself into this present moment? I can, because I’ve found ways to do this all my life, despite fearful things near and far.

Is it wrong to take this time to sit and get to know your fear? No! It’s medicine that helps calm your being so you can continue to be, first and foremost. Maybe so you could be helpful in some way when the time is right – you’re not helpful when you’re running around in a panic. We need our energy for when the panic meets us at the door so we can face it then. Until the moment when action must be taken, let’s foster the energy reserves. Get to know this part of ourselves so it doesn’t catch us off guard or leave us vulnerable to those who prey upon our fear.

What if we were to not silence, dismiss, or push away our fear? What if, for a bit, we didn’t cover it over with anger? Don’t get me wrong – the anger is also warranted and has information for us, but for now I’m curious about peeling it back to see what’s underneath. My guess is you’ll find your anger rises out of deep caring, and you’re worried or terrified for yourself, for loved ones, or for people you don’t even know. For our planet and all of its inhabitants. For the future we’re leaving our children and grandchildren.

So, I admit I’m scared. I’m too tired to pretend to be strong all the time (and p.s., even strong people get scared). I don’t need to be strong all the time. I can’t be. We often think being fearless means we can’t feel afraid or that somehow, we miraculously have no fear, when in reality, courage is feeling the fear and showing up anyway. I think probably we’re stronger when we allow our humanness to be exposed. Vulnerability can connect us. So, I admit I’m feeling scared these days. The particulars of my fear aren’t the point.

If you’re scared too, can we just sit together, hold one another for a while? We won’t cower away forever, but can we just give ourselves a little respite of honesty and be afraid together? Because we’re not wrong to feel this fear, and maybe it won’t consume us if we can sit with it every now and again. Shall we give it a try? Somehow sensing “me too” leaves me feeling a little less alone and gives me the courage to go on.

4 Comments

Finding Hope - In the Worst of Times

2/7/2025

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Writing about hope in horrific times? Really? Yes! It feels necessary. Maybe more important than ever. So, here we go.

We are living in a time where chaos, confusion, and relentless actions are designed to exhaust us, divide us, and silence us. We can easily lash out in anger or hide away in isolation.   Empathy, accountability, and respect seem to be lacking, particularly from those in power.
We need hope to help us see beyond the muck of the truly despicable.

The state of affairs in the US right now reminds me of the chaos that once consumed my family, crisis after crisis, brought on by chaotic substance use. The too familiar dread in the pit of my stomach – afraid to look at my phone to see what the latest disaster is.

One key distinction is that my son didn’t intend to scare us, cause chaos or harm. His actions weren’t calculated, malicious, or planned out. They were simply part of his mental health challenges which set off a chain of reactivity. I've talked with many people who've struggled with substance use, and know they never meant to hurt the people they love.

It’s easy to be frozen in inaction, stunned into silence in times of great disruption, but we don’t have to collapse. We can find a way to go on and to act in meaningful ways. Wringing our hands helplessly only adds to anxiety and withdrawal.

We need hope to continue on – to love, to be generous or compassionate, to make a difference.

Hope is Possible
Here’s what I know: hope is possible even in the most devastating times. How do I know? Because on the night my son, Nate, died, I reached over to my husband, grabbed his hand and said, “We will get through this.”

Partly, I did this because I needed to hear myself say it, to believe it, because anything else was too impossible to imagine. I said it even though it was also impossible to know how we would get through or what “getting through” meant. Partly I did this because at least some part of me knew that it was true.

In our 29 years with Nate, we endured so much – school struggles, family struggles, 14 years of the pain of watching him struggle with substance use and bulimia and all that that brought with it. We’d faced so many times when I didn’t know how I or we would go on… but we did. Now, not quite 2 years since his death, I still don’t always know how we will go on, but somehow, one moment, one breath at a time, we do.

I imagine if you look at your own life, you’ve had moments or maybe stretches of years that feel relentless, agonizing, hopeless. Times you’ve felt powerless and unable to see your way out of the struggle. Maybe you’re in a time like that right now. Either way, here you are reading these words, and that alone is a sign of hope.

What Hope Is and What It Isn’t

At a conference late last November, “Bridging the Hope and the How,” our keynote speaker, Dr. Ashley Cross, Executive Director of Hope585 in Rochester, NY, said that hope isn’t a feeling. That we can have hope even when we feel grief, sadness, fear. I’m still sorting out how that’s possible. No words for it, but I have experienced it to be true.

I’ve learned hope isn’t a flimsy wish: “I hope things get better.” That’s just wishful thinking that doesn’t get you or anyone anywhere. No change comes from weak wishing. A wish like that allows you to step back and not take any responsibility for what could be.

There’s another kind of hope that is fierce – it rises from deep inside and says, “No! This is not how this story will end!” That force can carry us, be a guiding light that calls us forward, even if we can’t see where we’re going. This force nudges us forward, fueled by a belief in a better future and a knowing that we can be part of creating the future we long for.

In his book, 8 Ways to Hope: Charting a Path through Uncertain Times, William Miller writes, “Hope is all about anticipation of what is not yet. It is a liminal space, a threshold to what may yet be.” What is not yet… what may yet be… those words alone bring pause. An interesting reflection. A reminder that we simply Do. Not. Know. All we can know is what’s already happened and what is happening right here, right now in our direct experience. We do not know what is coming in the future. Even when things are happening that make it look bleak. We still cannot foresee the future. We don’t have to fall into the trap of foregone conclusions.

Hope and Fear

Miller goes on to say, “…both hope and fear project images of what could come to pass, and both can be powerfully motivating. They are alternative lenses through which we view an uncertain future… Hope tends to expand our horizons, while fear contracts them.”

Have you noticed that? Fear brings us into tunnel vision where we only see the path of doom. It constricts our bodies. Breathing becomes shallow, jaw clenches, gut grips. Our thoughts run on a repetitive loop with all that we fear. “I know how this is going to go!” We find ourselves unwilling or unable to imagine any outcome other than what we dread.

“Fear can shut down the creative capacity to find better ways and even the will to find them. Hope is about finding both the will and a way forward,” writes Miller. When we feel trapped. When we feel certain of doom. When we feel powerless to do anything that will make a difference, we can lose hope. Of course we can. It’s so natural. Especially if the scene feels familiar – you’ve been here before, so “here we go again” thoughts come rushing in. Of course.

But, can you consider that this time could be different? You’re not the person you were the last time you faced this situation, even if it was only yesterday or a few hours ago. Which means that everything else about this scenario is also different than it was. The door to hope cracks open a tiny bit. Where there is possibility, there is hope. Where there is uncertainty, there is hope. Nothing has been determined yet. Where there is life, there is hope. Where there is love, there is more hope.

When people come together for the greater good, hope rises and ripples out. Hope and fear are both contagious – they spread between people like a creeping vine that quickly takes over. So, you get to decide if you’re spreading fear or hope. What seeds you want to plant? Can you be a force of hope, even in times of great darkness when all seems lost?

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but moving ahead in spite of it,” says Miller. The fear will be here. As will grief, sadness, confusion, anxiety, but they don’t have to be the only forces at play and we don’t have to give them the final word. One thing is for certain – running around and adding to the frenzy and panic helps no one. We must do what we can to find a ground that allows us to come into the world in a healthy way.

Creating a Legacy of Hope
Hope creates hope. We can give hope to others when they’re not feeling it. Our words and actions can create a ripple of hope. In Hope Rising: How the Science of HOPE can Change Your Life by Casey Gwinn & Chan Hellman, the authors share many ways to cultivate, strengthen, and grow hope. Hope needs attention and effort to sustain it – it doesn’t remain untended. In their final chapter, “Leaving a Legacy of Hope,” they share “Lessons Learned from Two Old Guys!”

Some that feel poignant in this moment are:

Teach your children (and friends) to be hope-centered
When the time is right, make it OK to talk about the bad stuff in life
Empathy always opens doors
Listen more than you talk
Run from negative people – find cheerleaders and encouragers
Surround yourself with positive role models
Focus on strengths, not weaknesses or deficits
Use your power and influence to bless children

When you use your powers for good, and act in ways that bless the children and the future children of the world, you are leaving a ripple that builds people up and generates more hope, kindness and caring.

A friend once called me a “Possibilitator,” a term that lit me up. I define it as “one who shines the light of hope and possibility, especially in times of darkness.” In a world where so much is out of my control and beyond my influence, this is something I can offer. Will you possibilitate with me? We can also take the actions we’re called to to help create a better future. None of this is about sugarcoating a shitshow or burying your head in the sand. It’s about finding sustainable ways to show up for people and things that matter.

It's All Too Much! Finding the Elusive Balance

Being bombarded by crisis after crisis feels relentless and overwhelming. I don’t know that there is a magic formula for being informed and staying engaged so that we can take action as needed, while also taking good care of ourselves. I do know that we must tend our hearts and health - mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional. When we are well cared for, we can step up when and where we’re called.

Meditation has helped me be with my own mind, developing awareness of what’s going on inside, sitting with thoughts and feelings as they arise. This allows me to act and speak in a more clear and intentional way. We don’t need to completely avoid the realities of the world (and we couldn’t even if we tried to), but with intention we can choose where we direct our attention. We can help where we can, step away to rest and regroup as needed. Breaks are essential.

We can carry hope alongside fear as we remember we don’t know what might yet be.

Balance in action and rest is elusive and not evenly matched much of the time. There are times when we will be all-in on something stressful, that requires immediate action, and does not give us a chance to sit back and be more intentional and mindful. However, when there are moments to regroup, refresh, and renew our mind and spirit, we must take them. Those moments are critical.

When you find people in the news taking over your life to the extent you’re missing moments of sweetness or delight with your partner, friends, or children, something has to give. At our family picnic last summer, we began swirling into fear and dismay about the future. My niece, Amy, brilliantly brought us back to each other and the precious gift of family time with a quick declarative, “That man is not welcome in our kitchen. He is not invited into our gathering!” Thank you, Amy. I find I have to remind myself of this often. To bring myself to what I want to allow into this moment, this space, my personal domain.

We get to choose who and what we give our time, energy, and attention to. Certain people want nothing more than to consume all of it. I implore you to take it back so that you can enjoy a quiet lunch with a friend, a walk in the woods with a beloved, sitting by the fire petting your cat, laughing at a stupid comedy, or getting lost in a song while you dance in your car.

Please take time to notice the beauty and the goodness in life that is here, even as horrific events consume the airwaves. It doesn’t erase or replace them, but it does broaden your perspective to all that is available. Beauty, wonder, delight, joy, kindness, lightness – they’re still here even when seem overshadowed by the ugly.

Do what you can for the causes that matter to you, remembering you cannot do everything, nor do you have to. Serve in a way that works for your body, nervous system, mind, and energy capacity – let others serve in their ways. Some of us will march and make calls, some will donate money, others will provide meals, others will offer hugs and smiles and kindness where they can. Others will sit quietly with a distraught family member or friend. There are many issues to be addressed, personally and collectively.

In her work of Revolutionary Love, Valarie Kaur reminds us of the midwife’s wisdom - we cannot push all the time. We must also breathe. In the resting and breathing, the next push can arise, and also in the pushing, we allow the breath to arise. Without the breath, you will deplete yourself and have nothing left to give.

If you’re facing a death or dealing with an illness or chronic struggle – your own or a loved one’s - you’re going to need your energy. What we’re facing collectively in our country and world is something that is going to require sustained energy. It serves no one for you to be on hyper-alert all the time. In our journey with Nate, we learned that sleep was vital, and so we chose to turn off our phones at bedtime. If something bad happened, we needed to be clear-headed and energized so we could respond in a more helpful way, rather than being sleep-deprived and overwhelmed by stress. When can you allow yourself to disconnect for a period of restorative time?

What Helps You to Hope?

I’m not always sure what helps me have hope. I do hear my son whisper from wherever he is, “I’m right here, Momma,” and I can feel that. I know that we still have each other and that he works with me and through me, and for that I am grateful. I find hope in the people in my life – my husband and friends who bring love, laughter, tears, and joy. I find hope in the nudges which prod me to create, offering what is mine to offer.

I find great hope in remembering that many people before me have persevered in similar or worse conditions than I face. In our country and around the world, many have endured centuries of treatment that could have led to despair and yet somehow, they have carried on. Leaders like Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, and Mother Teresa have shown what’s possible in the face of violence and hate.

Moms like Lori Drescher, Founder of Recovery Coach University, Pam Lanhart, Founder of Thrive Family Recovery Resources, Heather Ross, Family Recovery Coach, and Alexis Pleus Founder of TruthPharm, who have lost beloved children, inspire and uplift me and many others, as they work diligently to support people touched by substance use.

Hope Doesn’t Need to be Grand.

You might spend a little quiet time with Hope and ask, “Hope, what would you have me know?” Take a few minutes and let Hope’s wisdom flow to you, writing it out in a note to yourself if you like. In our last Finding Hope Within retreat, one participant received a beautiful insight that “hope can be small pinpricks of light.” And also, that “hope is in the sidewalk cracks, not the sidewalk.”

What does Hope want you to know?
What helps you have hope?
Who inspires you through their example?
Are there negative people you need to give less time to?
How can you sustain and support yourself in stressful times?
What do you notice that’s good or beautiful in your world today?
How do you want to show up in a troubled family, community, country, world?

Finding the Will - You are not Powerless!

Whether you’re facing a family challenge with substance use or you’re concerned about the state of affairs in the US and the world, your presence, your voice, and your actions make a difference. When we feel powerless, like nothing we do matters, it’s easy to lose hope. That’s when we’re at risk of isolating and finding ourselves paralyzed by fear or anger.

What you do matters! Your energy and presence matter, so please take the time to nurture and nourish your body, mind, heart, and spirit. Now is a great time to double down on practices that build internal strength, peace, grounding, flexibility, and clarity. That can look like getting out into nature, feeling the strength of the Earth holding you. Practices like yoga, dance, or working out allows your emotions the movement they need. Take time for contemplation, reflection, and mental rest through meditation, prayer, or journaling. Find community where you can, because we need each other, so take time to connect with someone you hold dear, go to a support group, attend a spiritual community gathering, or join a resistance group.

Be sure to take time for silence. There is too much to take in right now and it can easily overwhelm. Take media breaks. Turn off your phone and put it out of sight. Take a walk without listening to a podcast or talking to anyone. Create some spaciousness so that you can think and act more clearly.
Take some time to think about what practices best support you and make some time for them, even if only 5 minutes. 5-minute practices sprinkled throughout the day add up, and they will support you in this time that doesn’t offer any quick, easy fix.

Finding the Way - Some Ways to Get Started:

Step 1 - Pause... take a breath (or many breaths) - it's hard to imagine anything that could be made worse when we begin this way. Take this moment to find center and grounding before posting, speaking, or acting. Then proceed...

If you care about someone struggling with substance use, please check out the Invitation to Change approach which will invite you to reflect on what it means to help, reimagine the role that loved ones can play in the change process, and provide you with evidence-supported strategies for helping.

If you’d like a simple way to get involved in speaking out about the current state of affairs in the US, 5 Calls offers a direct link to your congressional representative and Senators along with guidance on top concerns you may wish to convey. Heather Cox Richardson is a clear and steady source of information. Pace yourself in what you’re taking in and what you’re doing. Do what you can and then step back to be refueled.

Donate to organizations doing important work that matters to you – time, money, or needed items. Whatever feels realistic and doable to you in this moment. What might fill your heart as you give?

Create the things you are called to create. It can be easy to shut down in the weight of overwhelm, but your creative offerings, whether that’s art, music, writing, videos, playlists, retreats… they are needed and they matter.

Make time for music - Here’s an eclectic playlist for finding hope to support you in this wild and crazy time. And here’s my Power Me Up Playlist for when I need a boost! Music can lift your spirits or bring the release of tears, encourage you to keep going, or give you something to dance and sing to. It helps us get out of our heads and into our souls. Music matters. Make your own playlist to carry you through the dark times.

Find Your People – In times when we feel scared, alone, or isolated, community is even more important. I know it’s harder to access because it takes energy and vulnerability to connect, but the effort will pay off. Phone a friend! Can we please bring back spontaneous phone calls and voice mails? Even if we don’t connect, at least we can hear each other’s voices! Find a group that supports your hobbies, passions, causes, personal development, recovery, or spiritual needs (to name a few), in person or online. Remembering that you’re not alone can really help.

The communities that are supporting my well-being right now that might be of interest to you:
The Open Heart Project Sangha - daily live meditation and discussion, weekly meeting, plus more!
Bodhi Tree Yoga - a variety of online classes with wonderful teachers and a sense of community

Give yourself a little oasis – Speaking of community, I invite you to join me on Monday, February 17, for a mini retreat, Finding Hope Within from 12 – 1:30 PM ET. Let’s come together, bringing whatever is present and cultivating a little bit of hope – that elusive what might yet be.

Find and create joy, delight, wonder. This is not a frivolous thing. Your energy matters - how you behave and speak matters. Small acts of kindness and moments of joy matter. Keep doing what you enjoy with joy. Joy is a form of resistance says Heather Cox Richardson (take a minute to watch this clip - it's very empowering!). It allows you to take back your power and refuse to give in to the forces that are bringing you down. Keep loving on people and believing in a better future, even if we don’t quite know what that will look like.

Find ways to offer compassion – to yourself and others. Our world desperately needs this energy. Showing up and acting from a place of love, kindness, and compassion makes a difference and builds hope. Your hope might take root, grow, and spread. It’s certainly worth a try!

Hold your loved ones close. Reach out and grab the hand of someone you love and say, “We will get through this.” Even if you don’t know how, you’re planting the seed of hope and possibility. Even if you might not get the outcome you would like, are you willing to give it a go?

What's working for you? Please, please share!! We learn and grow together!

My altar of hope

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Love's Wishes

1/10/2025

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Image by Jill Wellington from Pixabay

I know this is a hard month for many of us with fires and wars raging, outrageous things being said, outrageous things happening. There are a lot of crises and you may be experiencing pain. Maybe, like me, you're feeling worry and anxiety about the future that lies ahead. Welcome you to this moment, just as you are.

In this time of darkness, this season of hibernation, slowing down, and going within, I offer tenderness, gentleness, compassion, and an invitation for you to receive.

A beautiful song came on my playlist and I knew I wanted it to be my next note to you all: Find the Light sung by David Ramirez. “I wish upon you peace… but most of all I wish upon you love.” There's so much I wish for you, but nothing more I could wish upon you than love. ❤️❤️

Take a few moments to listen to this heartfelt offering of love. Close your eyes and take it into your heart. What does it stir? Even if you're in a dark time or place, how does this land?

Find The Light
written by Rene Ramirez
I wish upon you peace
I wish upon you grace
I wish for less of what you want
And more of what you need

I wish upon you an old light
With a heart that stays young
But most of all I wish upon you love

I wish upon you truth
When all you feel is doubt
I hope you know that an open mind
Still knows when to shut things out
I wish upon you a brave heart
that will always rise above
But most of all I wish upon you love

Cause as the sun sets, well
the moon begins to rise
So even in the darkness
you'll find the light

You'll find the light I wish upon you an easy life
I wish upon you hard times
I hope you know that both joy and pain
Each need their moment to shine
I wish you ears that are quick to listen
That you're slow to use that tongue
But most of all I wish upon you love

Cause as the sun sets, well
the moon begins to rise
So even in the darkness
you'll find the light

You'll find the light Oh now even in the darkness
you'll find the light

As I talked with a friend the other day, it became clear just how very harsh I was being with myself, even when there was no good reason. So I started reading my messages from Love aloud to her. Often in my morning journaling I ask the question Liz Gilbert introduced me to, “Love what would you have me know?” Tears streamed as I read and let my heart receive Love's tenderness and generosity. Somehow even though the words come through my pen, they feel like they come from a greater force beyond myself.

I thought maybe you'd appreciate some of these too, since I don't think I'm the only one who gets down on herself, feels overwhelmed from time to time, or gets caught up in worry. You'll let me know if I'm wrong, right? 😊

So, here we go, some wishes from Love to you:

✨ One breath. One moment. Move at that pace. It's enough. Just be present. Be with yourself honestly, openly, with that beautiful open heart. Honor and tend to yourself through it all. You are so brave, so honest, to face things head on when you can and listen for the moment of opening. You don't have to blast the doors down…in your own time, my darling. Held in love. Always.

💕 Beloved, keep following your heart. Keep loving - yourself and your people, well. Take very exquisite care of your body, your heart - rest as needed. Take breaks. Don't push. Gentle, gentle, baby. You need and deserve gentle, my beloved. You have a lot going on - out there and in your being. In your tender heart especially. It has an effect on everything. Don't underestimate that, beloved. You can do this, but you need mindful presence and tending. Paying attention. Give to yourself at least as much as you give to others. Fill up to overflowing. Let yourself be loved.

💜 Live and grieve in your way, in your time, my darling. Allow the joy, peace, sadness, and grief to all swim together in you and around you as they will. Your way is unique and allows others their way - no right or wrong. Release the worry of what others will think. Just be you, be with you, and know that that is perfect, beloved. Release expectations and live into the moments as they come. Be present. Be real. Allow it all…the nostalgia, the longing will be here too. It's ok. There's room for it all. The heart knows the way to hold it all, my dear.

❤️ Cherish the moments, darling. You know how precious and sacred they are, for sure. Don't miss them. Be here for them, and beloved, tend to yourself well along the way. Breathe with life and let life breathe with you. Feel how your heart really can hold it all? Because it can. It's amazing, and it's how you humans are built - it just takes some time and experience to really feel it. The heart's capacity and the human capacity is immense and too often untapped, limited by your stories and beliefs. But when you feel what's possible firsthand, you can give yourself more fully to life, and that's a beautiful thing. Cry, scream, laugh, and be silent. All is welcome here in this space, this reality of infinite, undying love.

☮️ Stay in touch with your body. Take good care of yourself as you move softly, gently, and discover what can be accomplished even in that energy. It's a new way for you, and you'll be pleasantly surprised if you can fully allow yourself to experience it - to witness that it doesn't have to be hard or overwhelming or frenzied. Let it be easy. Let it be fun. Let it be joyful work. Why not?

🩵 Oh my darling, slow it all down. Breathe. Go within. Place your hand on your heart and hold yourself tenderly, lovingly. Offer up all the love in the world to this tender heart, this tender soul that reels in the messy and harsh of life. Breathe slowly, softly, ease-fully. Take off that pressure you pile on yourself that you know isn't helpful or necessary - that only paralyzes you. Soften. Release. Gentle yourself, darling.

My invitations to you:
💕 Have your own conversation with Love. Take a little quiet time to sit with yourself. Maybe place your hand upon your heart and ask, “Love, what would you have me know?” and see what comes. You can freewrite, keeping your hand moving as words come to you and through you, or you can simply receive her messages to your heart. I find Love to be a mighty force of unconditional grace, tenderness, and generosity with so much wisdom to offer.

✨ Join me for a mini retreat, Finding Hope Within on Monday, January 20th from 12-1:30 PM ET if you'd like a peaceful place to spend a little time. We will gather over Zoom to step away from anything else that might be going on that day and turn toward our hearts and souls to be nourished and fortified for whatever life may ask of us in the days ahead.

☮️ Take some time to meditate with me with Love, What Would You Have Me Know?

What resonates with you? What does Love have to say to you? How might this support you in the coming days, weeks, year?

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Living Well within the Mess

11/20/2024

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Photo by Gantas Vaičiulėnas: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-person-standing-on-grass-field-during-golden-hour-3550518/

Never have I put more hours into a single post than this one. Why? Because I want to be thoughtful and respectful and not offer you any simplistic suggestions to an unbelievably complex reality. Because I vacillate between wanting to tell you everything I’ve learned that might be helpful and feeling like I have nothing of value to say. Because my grief is heavy right now.

I could just walk away and stay silent, but somehow, I feel called to write, to offer something in this post-election time. My hopes were strong for a different outcome and I’d enjoyed the relief of riding a wave of possibility for the past few months. The shock hit me hard and I’ve been mostly numb for the past 2 weeks. I’ve felt the familiarity of living within unknown chaos and deep grief over the loss of hope and the loss of the future I had imagined.

This is why I am choosing to write and share what I can. I do know how to live in an ungrounded mess. It may not be the election that’s upset you, and this post is meant to address different painful and challenging situations.

Let me begin by assuring you that I am not going to tell you to “get over it,” “put your big girl panties on,” “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” “just focus on what’s good,” “just shake it off” or any other nonsense.

Be real with where you are right now. Allow your feelings, thoughts, confusion… just honor where you are without needing to deny it, push past it, or get over it. Don’t pretend to be any different than you are. I honor that with you, witnessing how my own real-life experience changes day by day, and moment by moment, sometimes in unexpected and startling ways. What I write is for you and also for me. I write to remember and to discover what’s true and what’s possible.

Along with honoring whatever is true in this moment, I’m also going to share what I’ve learned is possible, even in terribly devastating times. I share to invite you to consider that it is possible to find a way back to yourself, back to some sense of ground, even in super ungrounded times. It is possible to have moments of feeling a sense of aliveness, a tiny spark that calls you forward.

I’ve lost myself in the past 2 weeks – meaning I’ve let forces outside of me and outside of my control drag me down and steal my energy, inspiration, and motivation. I’ve found myself going through the motions, zombie-like, and I’ve let myself swim in the dark waters of fear and despair. And that’s ok. I don’t like it, but it’s ok, because it’s what is here.

This feeling isn’t new for me. I’ve lost myself many, many times over the years of my life – particularly in dark and heavy times of fear and struggle. The disconnect can sneak in gradually over time or wallop me out of the blue, catching me off-guard and unprepared. Maybe there’s no way to prepare for ground-shaking news.

Maybe you’ve experienced this too – something shakes your world and suddenly you’re gone. Swirling in the chaos and confusion, unable to find ground. If you’re like me, you may alternate between looking outward - grasping for someone to give you the answer or show you the way – and diving inward, hiding away in a cocoon of isolation. Despair may loom if things feel bleak and uncertain.

Humans are conditioned to be alert for danger – it’s in our DNA. We are programmed to survive, and so we constantly scan for what’s wrong, what’s scary, what feels dangerous. The world feels chaotic and confusing right now, and there are many unknowns before us. Our minds hate not knowing.

And, of course, the unpopular truth is the future is always uncertain and unpromised. We cannot know how things will go. Sometimes we’re pleasantly surprised when our worries go unanswered. Other times we’re crushed when the unthinkable happens.

The mind constantly makes up stories of what is true and what is coming based on what it knows from past experience. This is how the mind works. It can only draw on what it knows. It forgets that more is possible. In fear its focus is extremely narrow. The mind carries us on a path paved with stories and beliefs. The path may be helpful or it may add to our despair.

I’m amazed at how different my waking thoughts can be from day to day. On any given day, I may awaken with dread, neutrality, or joy, and it’s not always connected to what lies ahead or what happened before I went to sleep.

Several days ago I was extremely grateful to wake with a momentary glimpse into the connection between what has supported and sustained me for the past couple of decades and the outer chaos many of us are experiencing today. That was the genesis of this blog. Since then, I’ve cycled in and out of inspiration, energy, depletion, and apocalyptic fear.

I do know calm and sanity begin within – they can’t be gifted to me by the outside world. I don’t know how long it will take for me to find the ground that offers any level of calm or sanity, but I must find the ground before I can hope to be much good to anyone else. Before I am ready to fight or advocate for better conditions, before I can hope to have any sort of positive impact or influence, I need space and time to think clearly.

If I’m spinning in a spiral of doom, that Is not the place from which to create or engage.   That’s the time to hit pause, go within, tend to my tender heart and soul, and feel all the feels. That’s the time to build awareness of what’s going on in me. Only when I feel strong enough, do I want to step into action.

Is this helping or hurting?
I have to look honestly at my thoughts and actions to see if I’m contributing to my own misery. If I am, what can I do differently?

I need to remember that I get to choose who and what I let into my world. Everything I take in and every interaction I have affects me, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually – this includes what I look at, what I listen to, what I read, and who I communicate with. It also includes how much information or emotion I let in at any time. An abundance of outer noise is eager to bombard us and keep us confused. Unless I am able to pause and mindfully step back, I will miss the bigger picture of what’s going on. I’ll have no idea how to best companion myself through a tumultuous time.

Extreme Tenderness and Exquisite Care
Another morning, I woke with the words “Extreme Tenderness and Exquisite Care” in my head. I knew deep in my core that this is exactly what I and so many others need right now. It’s not selfish to offer ourselves this time and space for loving care and compassion. It’s actually an act of kindness for us and those around us.

When we interrupt a destructive or frightening spin with a pause, rather than amplify it with our own thoughts and stories, we have a better chance for a more positive interaction.

A Powerful Pause
We can allow the pause to support us in coming back to our values and ideals – who we truly are at the core, who we want to be with others, and how we want to show up in the world. The pause takes us out of reactivity, away from feeling like a pinball being buffeted around recklessly by outside paddles, and offers us a chance to tap the stillness and wisdom within. Pausing also allows us to stop adding fuel to a fire that’s already raging out of control. My frenzy has never contributed anything meaningful, helpful, or productive to a situation, and it has often made things worse. In a frenzy, we are not thinking clearly; frenzied thinking leads to frenzied action.

Offering ourselves self-compassion, holding ourselves lovingly, acknowledging, “This sucks. I’m scared. I’m hurting right now. This is a moment of suffering,” rather than soldiering on, pretending all is well, gives us a chance to feel heard and understood, if only by ourselves. Listening to what we need and honoring that, rather than beating ourselves up with artificial “should’s” offers a reprieve from the pushing, driving, and striving that only wears us down.

These small, not-so-simple acts allow us to take a stand for our own wellbeing and to choose who and what deserves our energy. This isn’t about putting your head in the sand or being in denial, though if that’s what you need in the initial shock of something horrible, by all means, let that be ok. It is part of grief, and it’s part of self-survival. Traumatic events may require a healthy solitude when it all feels like too much.

How to keep going?
Even in the darkest of times, there is a way to take back your life, to take back your power, to find a way to keep going. I’ve found this while living through years of my son’s chaotic substance use. I’ve found this after his death. I’ve found this in moments in our world that shake all that we’ve known or believed. I am grateful to remember what I forgot I knew in the malaise that has consumed me recently.

When we feel powerless, we feel scared. Maybe we feel hopeless. One way to regain some power is to tune in to where you have choices. Where can you find some agency? What can you do differently that will give you energy rather than deplete you?

Find yourself in this moment – right here, right now as you sit here and read these words. Feel the earth holding you – feel her strength and resilience. Are you safe? Are you comfortable? Warm? Fed? Look around and take in your room. Listen to the sounds around you and beyond in the outside world. Smell the scents that fill this space. Feel the clothes on your body, the temperature of the air on your skin. Is there anything you taste in this moment? If it’s helpful, say to yourself silently or aloud, “In this moment, I am here. I am safe.” Name what you notice through your senses to ground you here. Feel your body breathing without needing to change a thing. Connect with your own aliveness. Here you are.

Don’t look away from what’s unsettling, but don’t let it be everything. Ooooh, this is a tough one, but the truth is there is no one thing that defines you or your world, no matter how heavy, ominous, or bleak that thing feels. As you let yourself be with everything that’s here in this time, you may find that beauty and wonder are always here too, right alongside the scary and oppressive.

Can you allow the hard to be there and still notice things that bring joy or comfort, even if they come in the tiniest moments? The person who looks at you and smiles. A dandelion popping up in the sidewalk even in the dark cold fall. A warm hug without words that gives you a moment to surrender into the love of another. A gorgeous sunrise or sunset that reminds you of nature’s steadiness and reliability. The deer on the side of the road that doesn’t crash into your car or the song of the wren breaking through the grey. Let it all be here. Open your heart and your arms to include even these beautiful, wondrous things especially when you see no way out of the current darkness.

Bringing to mind something or someone you appreciate – something that gives you comfort or joy not only offers a temporary reprieve from doom scrolling, but it reminds you that you can choose where you focus your attention and energy. Feeling gratitude counters the tendency to look for all that’s wrong, and it helps reprogram our brain by remembering all that is part of this present moment.

Our hearts can hold it all even when our minds can’t. When I was invited into a reflection of gratitude just a few days ago, I didn’t get much further than my husband who I am so glad to share life with and my soft fleece Snoopy blanket that offers me warmth and coziness and makes me smile. Of course, there is much more I am grateful for if I allow myself time to sit and reflect, to feel those things and how they affect me. And it’s ok when it’s a struggle to connect with them.

What CAN you do even when times are hard and confusing?
When there is much that you can’t do or much that’s out of your control, focus on what you can do. You will notice the common themes of “in this moment” and “pause” as a reminder of how valuable it is to slow down and come into present moment awareness. There are also some suggestions that may feel contradictory to others – that’s unavoidable as each of us checks in with what’s true for us and finds the balance that feels right and doable in this moment. Here goes:

❤️ Let yourself feel what you feel. Angry? Sad? Scared? Confused? Disappointed? Or Joyful? Feelings give you great information and need to be felt and allowed to move through. Don’t deny them, even if others feel differently than you or if you think you should be over it by now. Cry. Scream. Laugh. Feelings deserve your attention.

❤️Build inner reserves and resources, even in small moments and doses. What can you do to nurture and nourish yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? When you’re well-resourced, you will more likely have the strength and clear-headedness to face hard times.
Get plenty of rest. Let yourself chill out as needed. Get some movement and eat pretty well when you can. Join supportive groups or communities to have real and honest discussions while deepening your own understanding of this thing called life.

❤️Know what you need to refuel and do that. You don’t want to find your tank on empty in the middle of a storm. Plan ahead so that you don’t get caught off guard by depletion. Refueling is different for each of us. Some people need to be with others, while others need silence, stillness, alone time, or time outdoors. Some need to hug a tree, cuddle with a sweet pet, or curl up with a good book. What is it for you?

❤️Determine what is yours to do at this moment, if anything. If there is something that you need to do or you feel called to do, do that. From simple daily tasks to big community action, there are always things you could be doing. Focus on what’s yours. Let other things go – you can’t do it all, nor do you have to. You can trust that others will be called to fill different needs. And if what is yours to do is to take good care of you and your family, do that.

❤️Assess your true capacity is in this moment. You may feel pressured to do something. Wanting to jump into action is a pretty natural inclination when things feel like they’re spinning out of control. Do you have energy to give or is this a time to pull in and nurture and nourish yourself? There will be challenges, requests, and demands coming your way. Allow yourself to pause and assess before you respond. Do I have it in me to do this thing in this moment? Is it a yes, no, or not now?

❤️Get in touch with what really matters to you and devote your energy there. The vaster my dismay, the more I pull in and focus on what’s within my sphere. One thing I know that matters to me is family and friends and in-real-life connections. Community and connections are critical to my heart these days. I am also choosing to decrease my time in the algorithm-controlled virtual reality of social media. I am picking up the phone and calling people. Even if I don’t reach them, I get to hear their voice and leave a message to let them know how much they mean to me. I’m making time to connect with my people, while simultaneously being discerning about how much time and energy I have for peopling.

Another thing that matters to me is finding ways to offer compassion, kindness, and care at a time when this feels more needed than ever. Kindness can be as simple as sharing a smile or holding a door. You could send a sweet text or a handwritten card. Make a big meal and share the leftovers with friends.

What communities and causes do you care about and how can you support them? For me, supporting people impacted by mental health is my call, and so I am grateful to be able to support families through the Invitation to Change and to contribute to the work of the CMC: Foundation for Change. I will also be compiling the next round of CompassioNate Care Bags in the coming month. It was last Thanksgiving morning that I got a clear hit that we needed to make 111 bags, and I put out the first big call to my community. The response has been phenomenal and I am so grateful to all who have helped to create and deliver over 500 bags.

You may not know how important a tiny act might be; never underestimate the impact of a little care, compassion, or kindness. What’s most important to you today, in this moment?

❤️Get out of your head. Allow yourself time to dump the many thoughts that are spinning in your mind. Write them down, share them with a trusted person, or speak them to yourself – getting them out of your head can offer some relief and help create some distance between your thoughts and your life. Another way to get out of your head is to create – paint, draw, dance, write a poem, sculpt some clay, or knit away.

❤️Find ways to offer yourself loving kindness and compassion. What might that look like? You could take time for a formal loving kindness meditation practice. You might simply pause and put your hand on your heart as you take a breath or two. You might give yourself an intentional timeout, stepping away to rest, reflect, journal, or just tune out for a while. Letting yourself scream and cry if that’s what’s needed is a compassionate act. Please love yourself well.

❤️Reach out for help and support. Don’t go through a hard time alone. Find someone you feel safe with to sit with you, hold space for you, walk alongside you. That could be a friend, counselor, community member, or helpline.
I joined a friend for a meal the other day, and we were both struggling. As we hugged and cried, these words rose up from my heart, “We don’t have to be ok. We just have to be together.” This resonates as truth. We don’t have to be ok. We don’t have to pretend to be ok. We just need to show up to this moment and then the next. One breath at a time. One thought at a time. One moment at a time. Together.

We don’t know what the future holds, but I am certain that each of us has an important role to play in the unfolding. How are you doing? How’s your heart? What helps you get through hard days? Please share. We need your wisdom and insight.

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Seeking Peace Even (Especially) in These Times?

10/17/2024

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Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

If you’re finding yourself feeling anxious or agitated more often than you’d like and you’d love a little more peace in your life, hold on to hope. No matter what’s going on around you, you can cultivate peace and even ripple it out to the world. I’ve learned this over the past many years of my life, during the 14 years my son struggled with substance use and all the chaos that brought into our family, and even in the past year and a half since his passing. In this post I’ll share some tried and true practices that continue to carry me through the hardest of times. I hope you’ll find them supportive.

Even when our political climate is blowing up with division and aggression. Even when weather crises are coming fast and furious. Even when there's chaos in your family. Even through all of that, moments of peace are available. Not every moment, of course. You’re human and human is messy. Life is messy. Things happen. Reactions come, and the best thing we can do is be real with them and honest about them. True peace doesn’t come by denying the truth of what’s here or trying to jump over sadness, anger, frustration, or fear to get to peace. No. None of that…

What can we do to generate some peace within when the world and its people are spinning in a frenzy around us? Here are a dozen things that have worked for me (when I remember!). It’s a practice. Always. Something to remember and come back to when we forget:

1. Pause – stop whatever you’re doing and whatever you’re thinking. Take a breath or ten and step back from the intensity of the moment in order to regain your ground and to consider a fresh perspective. It’s easy to get caught up and pulled into drama and become one more reactive person in the works, even if we really value peace.   So, give yourself a chance to intentionally interrupt the spin.

How to do this? Just taking a moment to feel your feet on the ground and to you’re your breath can help. Or maybe give yourself a timeout in the most positive of ways – this isn’t a punishment, but truly best for everyone involved. Send yourself to your room or to the woods for even 30 minutes. If you’re at work or in a public space, lock yourself in a bathroom stall for a few minutes. Pauses come in all shapes and sizes, and they’re almost never a bad idea.

2. Curiosity – Notice when you’re feeling judgmental about something or someone and catch yourself in that moment. It can be helpful to shift to a state of curiosity. Say to yourself, “Isn’t that interesting?” Or, “that person or that thought doesn’t resonate with me” instead of “I hate them!” Suzanne Giesemann shared these ideas in a workshop I was in recently, and I was able to put them to use immediately as I came across people behaving badly. When I took this approach, I found that I got less worked up and agitated. I could silently send love to a situation and then move on with my day without needing to tell the story over and over or dwell on what an asshole that guy was.

3. Listen – just listen, without jumping in with your own ideas or opinions. This can settle a heated moment quickly and keeps you from making things worse. Take that pause, take a breath, and really listen to what someone else is saying. I tried this with a man I had just met who shared his opinions about a topic I’m passionate about, and though I didn’t agree with his thoughts on it, I could hear him. In my doing so, he commented, “Given your response, I’m guessing you don’t agree?” I simply said, “I don’t know. Here are my thoughts, but I don’t have the answer, and I don’t want to argue.” My not jumping in to talk over him or shove my ideas onto him opened up space for us both to think about the topic a little more and maybe even consider the validity of the other person’s thoughts.
I am also aware that there are many times when I’m quick to speak even though my input hasn’t been requested. Pausing and just listening helps build more peaceful interactions.

Listen to yourself too – listen to your body and heart for what they need in any moment. Learning to pay attention and honor this internal wisdom is step one in creating a self-care plan that you will stick to. The better you care for yourself the more peaceful you will feel.

4. Slow down. Maybe this should have been first because it’s integral to the other three ideas I’ve shared so far. Too often we rush – our meals, our rest, our conversations. We’re a distracted and busy people. When we take a little more time to be with ourselves, with each other, we reduce the frenzy.

5. Notice what you’re taking in – you have to digest everything that you take in. That’s true of food and drink, and also of things you’re listening to, watching, and reading. Is what you’re taking in filling you up or draining you? Does it inspire you and give you hope or send you to a place of despair? You are the sacred gatekeeper for your energy, so get curious about what you’re letting in to your being and how it affects you. Make changes accordingly, even if it’s only a slight reduction – say, checking headlines or scrolling social media 4 times/day instead of 400. There’s an awful lot of input available these days and a lot of it is designed to stir you up, hook you in, or both. Take good care of you.

6. Who are you hanging around with? Are they people who lift you up, inspire you, or make you laugh? People you can be real with? People you can cry with when you’re feeling sad? Or are they people who exhaust you or suck the life out of you? You might not have a choice all the time given your family or work environment. If those places are very draining, please be sure to balance out your interactions with those that are nourishing, uplifting, and fulfilling. Also be sure you’re getting enough “me time.” You know… alone time with yourself… time to reflect, process, or just chill. Such important recharge time!

7. What energy are you spreading, perpetuating, or exacerbating? Your presence makes a difference – to those around you and to yourself. Pay attention to how you feel if you jump in on gossip or if you repeat a story or belief you’ve told many times already. That spin of agony – “It shouldn’t be this way! How could this be happening? He’s crazy! Why is he doing this? I can’t take it!” doesn’t feel great. And the truth is, you’re here. You’re taking it, and you can choose how you want to be and what energy you want to bring to the world. It matters. Notice if something inside you likes to stir up drama or if you’d feel much better being a little more Zen. Are your words and actions aligned with your values? I find a deep inner ick when they’re not! For your own peace, shift your energy.

8. Where can you take down a barrier today? In a world that seems determined to pit us against one another, that can be a hard ask, but look for opportunities to bridge a divide. Extend a kindness to someone you’d normally look away from or down on. Share a smile. This doesn’t have to be hard or big, but small acts can generate big results. It’s one of the things I love about the CompassioNate Care Bag movement – people are turning toward their neighbors in need and reaching a hand out instead of looking away.

If you love someone who struggles with substance use, there are often a lot of barriers keeping us at war with one another. Curiosity and listening at times when you might usually yell or lecture can open doors, mend hurts, and build trust and relationship. It can be really hard to listen in a situation where you think you know what’s right or what has to be done. When you open your heart to your loved one and listen to their ideas and perspectives, and have an actual conversation, new ideas and perspectives might emerge that you would never have come up with on your own. When I was finally able to unplug my ears and open my eyes to have a real two-way conversation with Nate, he trusted me enough to share a little of what it was like to be him. I think the question, spoken or intended, “What’s it like to be you?” can open a lot of doors and hearts and help build connection if we’re genuinely curious and willing to hear some hard things.

9. Notice The F’s – I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling overwhelmed, terrified, and/or powerless, I don’t necessarily function at my best. I jump into forcing, fighting, fixing, fleeing and frenzy. When we feel out of control or powerless it’s easy to fall into these nasty F’s, often followed by a big loud exasperated “F IT!!” It’s natural to try to force things to happen, to fix problems (or people), to lash out or flee to isolation, or to find yourself scrambling in a frenzy. However, reacting these ways rarely work and often make things worse.

Try these F’s instead – face it, flex, flow, and maybe even fun. Flexing and flowing require a certain level of acceptance and surrender which come from facing the reality of what’s before you. When you can, turn toward the challenge and find a way to be with it and move with it rather than frantically trying to make it change. How might you even have fun with these moments? I now try to spend more time clapping with joy at political signs that give me hope rather than flipping off the ones that make me cringe. Why not?

Just last week I had a chance to work with this – a birthday gift I had ordered for my son was reported as “delivered” on Wednesday. Except it had not been delivered to me. Clearly it had been left somewhere, but it wasn’t in my box, in our parcel lockers or at my home. So, I filed an online claim and waited for a response. The next day I received an email to let me know they were looking into it and another later in the day that it had been found, misdelivered, but was now in my box. Great! Except… it wasn’t there. So, I called the post office and left a message for the postmaster – later got a call that she had left for the day and wouldn’t be back till Tuesday, but someone else was going to talk to the carrier to try to figure out what was going on and where this package. Frustrating… but as I sat down on Saturday morning, I silently offered up the intention that the package find its way to us with ease, and I let it go. I kid you not… within 10 minutes the postmaster was knocking on our door, handing my husband the package. She had come out on her day off to find it and get it to us! Amazing!

Does it always work that way? Of course not, especially when other people are involved. BUT, sometimes it does. I’m certain things went more smoothly and she was moved to help me out because I didn’t yell and scream at her. We need to take the steps we need to take, and then let go and wait, allowing things to get worked out.

10. Be aware of what you’re focusing on - Shifting your focus from what’s wrong, what’s troubling you, or what scares you can truly change your experience of life, even if nothing outside of you changes. One of the quickest ways to do this is to take a moment and reflect on what you’re grateful for, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant that may be. Gratitude has been shown to rewire our brains and help take us out of the eternal loop of thinking about all that’s wrong and to open up to noticing what there is to appreciate.

I also look for beauty every day – mostly outside, as nature is more than willing to accommodate me with her clouds, critters, plants, sunsets, and moon rises. Oh, and last week, the Northern Lights! Holy wow! They were spectacular! So cool to see so many people pulled together by this force of wonder and awe! Even in our homes and work spaces, there’s beauty to be found if you’re willing to look. Let yourself pause and take it in. What does beauty feel like in your body? Where do you notice it? We need beauty to counter the ugliness that permeates too much of today’s airwaves.

11. Meet yourself and this moment with self-compassion, kindness, and gentleness. I noticed myself judging my lack of strength, mobility, and flexibility in yoga class the other day. In another lifetime, yoga was a regular part of my weeks and sustained me well. The reality is in the past year and a half, what used to be a pretty regular activity has gone by the wayside. So, I have a choice. I can feel sad about how much I’ve lost in myself and beat myself up for that, or I can feel sad about it and greet myself with compassion and acceptance that this is just the way it is right now. I chose the latter, but not without a lot of internal chatter along the way. It’s a process and a practice. When we treat ourselves with compassion, we’re much more likely to offer it to others.

12. Turn to Love, with a capital L, and ask for guidance – There are two questions I sometimes remember to ask of Love, this giant force of unconditional love that’s available to us all.
1. What would Love do? Shockingly, the answer is often very different than what this cranky human would do! And, 2. Love, what would you have me know? (taken from Liz Gilbert’s beautiful practice with this inquiry). In either case, you can silently ask and quiet yourself enough to hear what response comes or you could write it out and do a little free-form journaling, allowing your hand to keep writing as you take in and capture whatever comes to you.

I find Love to be a very gentle, compassionate, supportive force to lean into which often reminds me to take it easy on myself, to slow down… all the things we’ve talked about above! Sometimes she shows me ways I can serve or help someone else that will feel good. She’s a very positive influence for me!

Life is a series of moments never promised.
As Joanna Macy said on her podcast, “We are the Great Turning,” (which I highly recommend you check out!), “This moment with you is a gift that was never promised.” This is true of every moment, so cherish your moments with people you love. The more fragile their lives, the more numbered their days, the more worthy of cherishing. We take too much for granted and get too easily swept away by stuff that isn’t worthy of our time or attention. Let’s rein it in and build the lives we want to be living.

Each of these suggestions is a process and a practice. I hope something resonates that might support you in cultivating a little more peace in your days and ways. Let me know! What other things do you do to help create peace when times feel hard, hopeless, or scary? Drop a note in the comments or send me a note. I love, love, love hearing from and learning from you!

Here’s a little music 🎶to support you on this journey – enjoy!

Common (“Cause we’ve got way too much in common…”)
If not for Love (“And what are we here for, if not for love?”)
Love Wins (“I believe we’re made to be here for each other”)

And a couple of meditations to choose from:

If Love points you toward service, here are some ways to support local grassroots efforts that are near and dear to my heart and run by people I love.

✨Brightstar Community’s Bright Night – Nov. 7th. Their mission is to help women survivors of sexual exploitation and trafficking find healing, hope, and independence. By raising awareness and funds, we can provide safe housing, holistic care, and a supportive community to these courageous women as they rebuild their lives. By attending and purchasing tickets to this fundraising event, you are directly contributing to providing safe, long-term housing and trauma-informed care for survivors.

❤️The Emilee Connection’s fundraiser of Music, Compassion & Connection – Nov. 8th – their mission is to support adults who suffer from anorexia and other eating disorders by harnessing the power of peer support, social connection, activities, educational events, inspiring speakers, and provide education and peer support for those who love them and for our community.

💕 Our CompassioNate Care Bag Mission is fueled by donations from so many amazing people. I couldn’t do it alone! If you’d like to be part of this mission, please consider a donation via Venmo to @Barbara-Klein-25 or through a purchase directly from my Wish List. I’ll be compiling the next big set of bags within the next month as we head into colder weather. Thank you!

A little of the Northern Lights beauty I found at Lake Ontario, NY

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Life... What's the Point?

9/12/2024

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Photo by Nathan Cowley: https://www.pexels.com/photo/shallow-focus-photography-of-man-wearing-red-polo-shirt-920036/

What is the point of this human life? We know how it’s going to end – 100% of the time for 100% of us, at least as far as I know. And when we face pain, challenge, or loss personally or feel discouraged about the state of the world, it can be easy to ask, “What are we doing? What’s the point? What’s this all about?”

I hope you didn’t start reading because you thought I’d have the answer, ‘cause, here’s the thing… I can’t have your answer. That question is one for each of us to ask, over and over, and explore and discover answers that ring true in our hearts and souls.

As I muddled around with what to write this week, knowing that something was brewing but also that what I had wasn’t feeling cohesive, Maggie Smith popped into my inbox and let me know that Mary Oliver’s birthday was this week! I found my thread! Mary Oliver, the great contemplative poet who has opened many hearts and minds brings it together for me.

One of her poems springs to mind immediately (though admittedly there are many that have touched me over the years).
“The Summer Day” with its compelling lines:

“Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”

Don’t these words address this inquiry head-on? Yes, everything and everyone dies at last and too soon. So, what is it we plan to do with the time we’ve been given? Why are you here?

I’ve come to the conclusion that my life isn’t about what happens in it, but how I respond to what happens. This isn’t just some simple teaching. It’s what I know to be true based on the life I’ve lived.
I’ve had some devastating losses in my life, and each one has taken its toll. Each one has brought me to my knees. And, somehow each one has also called me to keep on going.

One of my closest friends, Michael, died in my first year in college. He was 19. I sat in the funeral home for 3 days straight with my friends, trying to make sense of how this gentle being, who’d been living his dream in Hawaii, could be lying lifeless in a box.

My dad, who would not drive a foot until everyone’s seatbelt was safely secured, ironically was killed instantly in a random car accident while he was still in his prime, starting what he probably thought were the best years of his life with his new wife and new freedom. I was 21, finishing my senior year of college.

My mom, my best friend, died at age 83 (the age she had told me years before seemed like a good time to go) when I was just 39, raising 2 young boys who missed their Mima very much. I thought I’d curl up and disappear myself, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have time to let the pain of grief take me down which I suspect was both a gift and unfortunate.

My dear Mary Lally, my person, the Christine to my Meredith, died far too young just a few years ago – right before Nate was to be released from prison. I didn’t get to share that joy and hope with her, and I still miss being able to call her and laugh and cry about all that life has brought in that time. In the aftermath of her passing I had time and space to feel the loss of my friend, something the world doesn’t understand the devastation of, and it ripped me apart. It also revealed to me the grace that is also available even in grief. I wrote about that time in Good Grief, Gratitude, and Grace and Swimming in the Messy Stages of Grief.

Maybe all of these losses were the dress rehearsals for the most crushing loss of all – my beautiful son, Nate, died just a few months before his 30th birthday, just 6 months after being given his first real chance at living on his own. When the call came, a wail unlike any other came out of this mouth, over and over and over as I doubled over, trying to make sense of what I was being told. Numbness and shock settled in as we moved through the days and weeks, feeling little but pain and agony. Again, I said goodbye to a beautiful young man in a box, something I needed to see but never wanted to do. Somehow even then I knew I’d go on, but honestly there were times I didn’t want to. There may be times again. Sometimes the immensity of his absence lands like a sledgehammer on my heart.

I know some people don’t like the words lost and loss when we talk about death, but I use those words because these people have been lost to my day-to-day life and their absence is a loss that I feel deeply. It makes sense to me, and you’re free to use whatever terms make sense to you, of course.

After Nate left this earth, even though I saw him in the dramatic sunset that very evening and I felt his presence with me immediately, his absence in our life still hits me. There are still times I want to pick up the phone and talk with him or Mom or Mary, and the things we won’t get to talk about face-to-face hurt, leaving a big void in my world.

So, if we’re all going to die in the end, what’s the point of being here in this not-so-easy human reality? I’d love to hear your answers to this question – sharing our ideas is one way we learn and grow, which I do believe is the point of this Earth school.

We’re spiritual beings having a human experience, so we’re here to experience human – to feel all the feelings, and to grow as a soul. This is what makes sense to me. We’re here to live and to love, even after we’ve lost people who are so dear to us. We’re still here, and so we go on, trying to make sense of things that might never make sense, trying to find a purpose.

One thing I know for sure is that the lives of those gone before me matter, no matter what they looked like on the surface – these people touched lives and left a mark. Part of my purpose is to carry on the legacy and lessons I’ve learned from Nate, from Mary, from my mom. These lessons revolve around love and compassion and giving it freely. Michael and my dad showed me what it’s like to follow your dreams and listen to your heart, even if others don’t love that you are. Mary and my mom showed me what it meant to live, even when dealing with a disease that would ultimately take them out prematurely.

As I pondered this, “What’s it all about?” question, here’s some of what arose for me at this time in my life (I am quite sure our answers change over time):

The point of this life is to learn and grow so that we can serve others. The point is to be present for it, with it, to live it fully and to feel all the feelings that human brings with it, including joy and deep sadness, love and loss, and to not hold back on one for fear of the other. Life is here to be lived, and we are here to bring love, compassion, and healing to ourselves, to one another, and to our planet. That would be today’s answer, I think.

To show up for life. To embrace it. To be who we were born to be. To give what we have to give, and to keep asking the question, “What’s the point?” To listen and open our eyes, minds, and hearts to fresh insights, new understanding, different perspectives. To love. Above all else, to love and be loved. To challenge that which is not love.

I asked Love what she would add to these thoughts, and here’s what she offered:
Life is here to be lived, to breathe into your whole being. Life is within you and all around you – a mighty force to be honored. Life is a gift that was never promised and is never promised again in any moment. It is to be savored and cherished, for it is truly a precious, sacred journey of the soul. You are here to be and experience human, which includes pain. And, you are built to learn and grow from that pain so that you can deepen into love, connect more deeply as a soul, and open your heart even more. Let your heart be broken open.

In the times when you feel like you’re facing an unending battle, feeling lost, confused, alone, or scared it can be hard to see the point or to remember that things will shift. When you can’t see the way forward, maybe the point is simply to take that next breath… and then the next. I know people who have overcome dark, dark times and deep, deep hardships. They show me what’s possible when I find it hard to keep showing up.

And, so, I invite you to reflect and consider, what is the point of this life that is yours? How do you want to live it? How do you want to show up? Who do you want to be? Who can help you when times are tough? There are choices, even if life has been shitty.

As we honor Suicide Prevention Month and National Recovery Month, this feels like a relevant exploration. If you need help and don’t know where to turn, text or call 988 or chat https://chat.988lifeline.org/ . You don’t have to face your hard times alone.

Nate’s life was chaotic and tormented for much of it, but I am clear that his life mattered, and I’m touched by the way he lived – resiliently, passionately, loudly, creatively, curiously, joyfully, and painfully, and always with love.

May you know that you are loved.   May you know that you matter. May you be supported to make it to another day. Because, you’re here for a reason, and we need what you have to share. May you know laughter and beauty. May you cry your tears and scream your rage as you feel the impact of your losses and pain, as you fully embrace your humanity.

I’ll close with my favorite Mary Oliver poem that always, always, always moves me to tears:

The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Can you hear this new voice arising within you? What does it call you to?

We’re here to live. Of this I am certain.

What does it look like to you to live? What helps you keep going when times are hard?

If you’re in crisis, please call or text 988 – support is available.
There are also many resources that might support you on my Resource Page.
#RecoveryMonth
#RecoveryIsPossible
#SuicideAwareness
#SuicidePrevention
#MentalHealthMatters
#MentalHealthISHealth

Here's a playlist I created that I hope you enjoy - Life...

Please share your ideas and reflections with us - help us keep on going and remembering we're not in this alone! Much love to you as you keep on showing up.

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Different from Self-Care

8/20/2024

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Self-kindness… it’s what the Invitation to Change (a wonderful program for those who love someone who struggles with substance use) invites people to offer themselves every week (or better yet, every day). Every chapter in The Invitation to Change: A Short Guide ends with “What is a kindness I can allow myself this week?” and the caution to not jump over this critical consideration. But what does it really mean? Self-kindness is different from self-care, though certainly linked.

I told a friend recently how hard I had been on myself, how much I had been beating myself up, comparing myself to others and falling short, how harsh my words had been to my own ears. She listened with sadness and a a little confusion, saying, “But you’re really good at self-care. You do a lot of things for yourself.”

That’s when I knew there was an important distinction to make between self-care and self-kindness. Between what goes on above ground and below the surface, in the mind and heart.

She’s right. I do a lot of things for myself. I get myself to appointments that help keep this body going the best I can. I talk with my counselor regularly. And even healing practitioners, who do such a great job caring for others, also struggle with applying that same kindness to themselves.   Why? Because they’re human. And human is messy…

One shared with me her own invitation into self-care in the middle of the night, beginning with “I’m going to soften my jaw.” Yes. That is self-kindness. Simple, but not natural or it wouldn’t have required an intentional reminder. She invited me to think of 3 things I could do to be kind to myself during my session on her table. I began by softening my face – I hold SO much tension there. My grief lives there. The mere softening led me to letting my tears bubble up, come out, and flow, allowing the sobs that had been held for too long. In the safety of this alone time, I could do that, and it was kind to do so.

I don’t consciously hold it together, but subconsciously, I do. Too much. So much that it has to come out. It's kind to allow my grief space and expression. I was afraid I’d sob uncontrollably the whole time once I began. I found my fears were unwarranted. By simply allowing myself the chance to cry, to feel my sadness and grief without shying away from it, it could rise up, come out, and move through. I didn’t need to shove the pain down or push it away. With kindness and tenderness, I could allow it a much-needed release. After a few minutes, I found myself feeling more peaceful, calm and present, and I could breathe more deeply. For over an hour, my simple kindness to myself was to soften my face, feel my feelings, let my tears come, and breathe, riding all the waves that came without chiding myself, questioning why or where this came from, and simply allowing true expression.

So, how is self-kindness different from self-compassion and self-care?

Self-care is often thought of as the things you do – taking a bubble bath, exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep, or getting to appointments that help your well-being. BUT those same things done from a place of harshness, judgment, or obligation aren’t necessarily self-kindness. If, while you’re exercising, you’re berating your jiggly thighs or your inability to do as much as you think you should be able to, is that really self-care? If you’re forcing yourself to go to the gym because you know you should exercise, but you hate the gym, does that count? If you’re beating yourself up for needing so much sleep or for eating out when you were just too tired to cook, how kind is that? If you’re carrying out acts of self-care while also being really mean to yourself, how can you make peace with yourself and bring in more kindness and compassion?

I’ve learned that true self-care is deeper, more subtle than the things you’re doing on the surface and I’ve reframed it as being true to and gentle with yourself, one moment at a time. A friend recently shared to her true self-care as intending to be as tender as she can be with her whole life. We talked about tending the spirit being different than getting a pedicure. Oh yes, soul care, spirit care, tending our tender hearts is definitely different. Our hearts and souls need time and attention beyond what’s happening on the surface. They’re deeply affected by what’s going on within. Without mindful attention, I miss the inner battle between what I know to be realistic and true and the opportunity to stop the downward spiral into perfectionistic striving and feeling “not enough…”

Self-compassion is a way of being - an attitude with which we turn toward ourselves. According to Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher and teacher, self-compassion has 3 elements: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity. Self-compassion invites us to be mindful, present, and to acknowledge our feelings, as we remember that we’re not alone – that other people feel the way we feel at one time or another. Self-compassion invites us to be with ourselves with kindness rather than judgment, the way we would a beloved child or friend. It may involve forgiveness or gentle reassurance when we feel we’ve messed up or we’re falling short.

Self-kindness is one element of self-compassion that comes through in our words, thoughts, and actions toward ourselves. Are we being understanding, gentle, allowing the messy, imperfect experience that is the very essence of being human? Are we beating ourselves up or tearing ourselves down, harshly criticizing or judging, expecting more from ourselves than we would anyone else? Expecting perfection often gets in the way of self-kindness. I should know better! I can’t believe I did that! How could I forget? When we thrash ourselves with thoughts like this, we are not allowing our humanity. We are not taking into account things like burn-out, stress, lack of sleep, grief, or fear that get in the way of clear thinking.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I caught myself feeling and thinking, “I hate myself” one day. The harshness of this thought caught me by surprise. As much as I chastise myself with little slips of, “What an idiot… how could I?” hate isn’t an energy I often experience, and I didn’t really know where it came from. I certainly didn’t want to reinforce it, but I also didn’t want to shun it.

Self-kindness invited me to look at what it was all about, to see it came from my mind that told me I wasn’t doing enough compared to others. I felt burdened by too many mistakes in a short period of time. I didn’t understand how I’ve been grieving almost 17 months and was doing better earlier on, so I judged that something was very wrong with me.

In the early days and months after Nate’s death, I easily and genuinely extended myself “all the grace,” because I knew it wasn’t reasonable to expect much, or anything, of me. As time goes on, even though intellectually I know I’m still very early in this grief journey, my conditioning creeps in making me feel like I’ve fallen behind and urges me to play an impossible game of catch-up.

There’s a big difference between what I “know” and what I do. Intellectually I can say, “I just don’t have the capacity for XYZ…” but when XYZ don’t get done, the louder voice inside of me berates me, judges me for wasting another day when I had the time but not the energy or desire. People who care about me see what’s really needed and invite me to “just be.” To rest. To do nothing and let it be ok. I get it. I’ve been learning these ideas for decades and teaching them for over 10 years. And yet, I’m not sure I really know how to just be and truly feel at peace with myself in that space. How do you really do nothing? What does that look like?

Signs of self-unkindness:

Judgy, critical thoughts like “What is wrong with me? How could I have done that? How could I have forgotten this?” are prevalent in a world of not-so-kind.

Basing how ok I feel about myself upon whether the kitchen table is clear of last month’s mail (it wasn’t until a few minutes ago), or whether the hutch has been dusted (it most definitely has not been since Nate died), or if I’ve remembered to pay the bills on time (I didn’t this month), or if I’ve sent the cards I’ve been meaning to send for weeks (Nope! They’re sitting here in a pile waiting for me), or if I’ve worked on my book as much as I wanted to (you probably already guessed - I haven’t! Shocker!).

Pushing ourselves to be more or do more than is reasonable.

Burning the candle at both ends, exhausting ourselves trying to get all the things on the never-ending to-do list done.

Sacrificing our own well-being for what others need from us.

Overwhelming ourselves with worry.

These are some of the ways unkindness might show up. Take a moment to think about how it comes out for you.

Why is this self-kindness thing so hard?

Most of us have never been taught to be kind to ourselves, and instead learned to be “nice,” and “good,” generous, and thoughtful toward others. And those are all good things, but somehow our minds have twisted that to make us believe that others’ needs are more important than ours. That it’s selfish to even think about ourselves, much less be kind. That it’s narcissistic to focus on our needs.

Kindness ought to be extended simply because you are, not because of what youI’ve done or haven’t done. Kindness doesn’t need to be earned. But when we’re not being kind to myself, we forget all of that.

My counselor recently said to me, “We know ourselves through doing. We must learn to love  ourselves for simply being.” (or something like that – I hope you get the gist of it). Ugh! I know, I know, I know, and it’s still so hard to do in everyday life! I recognize that my upbringing taught me to value my productivity, my contribution, and so when I don’t have the energy to produce or contribute much, I struggle. I feel better when I’m bringing value and serving in a way that brings meaning.

Grief often leads me to fritter away a blessedly open day, which could be ok if I would be kind to myself about it. If I’d give myself permission to do nothing or to just putter and see where the day takes me, then maybe I could feel ok about it. But when I hold unreasonable, unspoken expectations that don’t align with the reality of my energy or mindset, there’s a huge risk that I’ll fall into a spiral of shame and shortcoming.

If you judge yourself by how much you do, what you accomplish, or how well you’re keeping up with the demands of life, even if you’re going through something really hard right now, even if you’re completely exhausted and drained, or swimming in grief or struggling with a loved one, how might you be a little gentler with yourself?

Ways to get to self-kindness:

Ask “What do I need in this moment?” Take the time to pause and tune in to respond with gentleness, kindness, and true care. I often forget to remember this key question that readily leads to self-kindness.

Liz Gilbert has a beautiful practice of conversing with Love (the giant force of unconditional Love that’s available to us all). Asking, “Love, what would you have me know?” and jotting down Love’s response can render surprisingly tender and supportive notes that reveal what we, in our humanness, might be missing.

Talk with someone when you’re struggling. Know who your safe people are - people who can go to this very vulnerable place with you. Who can hear you? On a very anxious day, I felt validated and supported when my husband listened and reflected back to me all that was weighing on me. I was definitely minimizing the list! It’s also helpful when a friend gently says, “Don’t talk to my friend that way!”

Put up post-it notes to remind yourself of who you really are or to take time for self-kindness – good to look at when you begin to swim in regret. Things that will make you smile or laugh. As a friend reflected, this is a way to shift your mindset and, “Drink in more love, rather than bathe in self-hatred.”

Pause, breathe, and put your hands on your heart - a simple gesture of self-compassion that lets you know you’re here for you. Listen to any guidance or insights that rise up or simply take the time to whisper softly or silently to yourself, “I’ve got you. I love you. We will get through this.” ❤️

What might self-kindness look like?

In essence, self-kindness begins by paying attention to how you’re treating yourself. Noticing if your inner dialogue is harsher than you’d use with anyone else. Being aware whether your choices are harmful or supportive to your well-being.

It can be as simple as choosing to soften your jaw or your face or your fists.

It could be opening up some white space on your calendar if you’re feeling particularly stretched or just need a little more time and space. If there’s something you’d like to reschedule, give yourself the grace to do so.

Making a pact with yourself that you’re not going to talk meanly about yourself – your body, your intelligence, your behaviors… whatever it is for you. A friend shared with me her conscious decision to catch herself in the act, and gently say, “Oh, I’m not doing that anymore.” Honestly, self-abuse doesn’t help and may just drive you more deeply into whatever it is you don’t want to be doing.

Bringing curiosity to yourself can free you from judgment – “I wonder what’s going on for me?” rather than immediately jumping to “What the heck is wrong with me?” Maybe nothing’s wrong. Create a little space to find out.

Asking for help and delegating what tasks you can when overwhelm is bearing down on you.

Instead of beating yourself up for not being able to hear, make an appointment with an audiologist to get things checked out and maybe getting some support!

Saying “no.” Stepping away from people or groups that drain your energy or bring you down.

Taking time for the people, activities, and practices that you know fill you up and nurture and nourish you well.

Taking a conscious social media break – there’s a lot brewing out there right now, folks! You have to digest everything you take in, so take some breaks.

Letting go of “should’s” and instead being true to what you know you want or need.

Saying “yes” to fun, to life, even if it doesn’t “make sense.” Some of my favorite moments come from spontaneity and ventures that might look ridiculous but bring me great joy – like traveling hours to see a band we love.

Letting go of unrealistic expectations and cutting yourself some slack when you don’t make the best choice or you’ve been a little judgy toward yourself – remember, you’re human. Let go of any worry of, “But aren’t I just letting myself off the hook? Don’t I need to hold myself accountable?” You can get back on track without beating yourself mercilessly for a slip. Accept the reality that slips will happen.

Why does it matter?

Because the kinder you are to yourself, the more loving and available you can be for life and the things and people that need you. Because you deserve your own loving care. Because life is stressful and self-kindness can help soothe that stress which contributes to better physical and mental health.

Here’s a beautiful song from the masterful Brandi Carlile that I invite you to play on repeat if you need to. I think I’m going to give it a go myself! Stay Gentle

What are your thoughts?

What gestures of self-kindness do you allow yourself? How do you know when you’re being unkind to you? What strategies do you have for coming back to self-kindness? Why does it matter to you? Please share so that we can build our reservoir full of ideas to turn to when the going gets rough. Life’s hard enough without us piling more on ourselves.

May you be peaceful. May you be happy. May you be kind – to yourself as well as to others.
May you know you are loved and soak in your worthiness for love all the way to your very core.

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Why CompassioNATE Care?

8/18/2024

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It occurred to me that although I’ve been on a mission that has made and distributed over 450 CompassioNate Care Bags since August 2023, I haven’t talked a lot about why this mission means so much to me. I’m assuming you can tell that issues of mental health, substance use, and homelessness are important to me and that compassion and kindness are my jam. But why?

Our Story - What We Didn't Know and What We've Learned
💕 Before our beautiful son, Nate, passed on March 29, 2023 just shy of his 30th birthday, we had gone through 14 years of pain, struggle, challenge, as a result of substance use and other serious mental health challenges on top of a lifetime of school struggles. Life for us, and particularly for Nate, was beyond hard. In those 14 years, despite our love and efforts to help him, there were too many times he struggled with homelessness in part because Tom and I didn’t know what we know now.

We didn’t understand that his behaviors were serving him in some way, even though there were so many negative consequences taking a toll on him and us. We didn’t know that ambivalence, especially when one is considering a gigantic change like recovery, is super normal and not a reflection of his desire to get better or how much he cared about himself or us. We didn’t know that there were ways to recover other than traditional treatment, 12 step programs, or abstinence – all things he had tried and “failed” at, giving him more things to beat himself up for. These are the lost “tough love years” which I grieve along with grieving his death.

Not only were we lacking in knowledge, understanding, and guidance, but because we hadn’t yet found the Invitation to Change and had never heard of peer support, recovery coaching, or harm reduction, we were misinformed about addiction and misguided about our role and ability to help. We hadn’t yet met other parents who had found healthy ways to be in relationship with their kid or professionals who knew effective ways for families to recover together. We believed we needed to let him (or make him) hit rock bottom, we shouldn’t help him for fear of enabling, and we were powerless.

Society’s prevailing messages convinced us that trying to detach was what love required of us. The chaos in our lives was painful, harmful, and ineffective for us all. Not only did tough love not help Nate’s recovery, it took away his family support and put him in survival mode which only contributed to his cycle of shame, use, more shame, and more use. It hacked away at our relationship, broke trust on both sides, and put Nate in situations where he experienced trauma we’ll never know about.

In the times when he couldn’t live with us and didn’t know where to turn, various people - friends, family, professionals, and strangers - stepped in as angels on earth, helping him make it one more hour, one more day, and possibly 11 more years than he might have had otherwise. I am forever grateful for the people who turned toward him in his times of despair, letting him know he wasn’t alone, that someone cared, and that he and his life mattered. I am deeply grateful for those who extended kindness, care, compassion, and a hand up when he felt desperately lost, and we didn’t know what to do.

Paying it Forward with Gratitude
💕 That love and those people fuel my intention with the beautiful bright CompassioNate Care Bags as one way to pay it forward. My husband, friends, and I load up these bags with niceties (pens, notebooks, and a little money) and necessities (resource numbers, personal care items, clothing, food, and drug testing strips and Naloxone) to spread this ripple of love to people, our community members, who may be feeling lost and alone. My friend, Chris Abert, from the NY Recovery Alliance, says, “Yours may be the last interaction a person has. Be kind.” Makes good sense to me.

Doing What We Can
💕 I’m embarrassed to admit the times I struggled with what to do when I saw a person sitting alongside a building or standing on a corner with a sign asking for help. One December, in NYC I saw a person bundled in dirty blankets, sitting on cardboard outside Macy’s with a sign declaring, “You don’t even see me.” Oooph! That hit my heart hard. They weren’t wrong – thousands of people looked away as they went on with their shopping and window-gazing.

Though I always felt a tug to help, I was afraid to offer money for fear they’d use it for drugs or alcohol. Why did I care? I’m not in charge of that. Maybe they’ll get a McDonald’s meal, a cup of coffee and a donut, and they’ll be a tad more comfortable for a little bit. Maybe they won’t, but I don’t have to assume the worst. Far too many times I’ve looked away and moved past someone in need, my heart breaking, feeling powerless and lamely excusing myself with, “You can’t help everyone.” No, I can’t help everyone, but I can do what I can.

Everyone is Someone's Child
💕 Knowing that any one of these people in need could be my son and remembering that they are someone’s child, I now look at people and see their humanity. Not too long after Nate died, I pulled off the highway and noticed a man staggering by the railing, looking as if he might fall over. I stopped, rolled down the window, held out my hand and offered a snack, some money, and a card with Nate’s picture, some encouraging messages and local resource numbers on it. I looked this man in the eye, and said, “This is for you. My son died. I don’t want that to happen to you. Here are some numbers and some things for you.” He asked my son’s name, I told him, and he kindly offered his prayers for us. I pulled away sobbing, heart breaking open, somehow knowing this was only the beginning.

A Collective Effort Honoring a Legacy of Love
💕 These care bags are created with so much generous support from others. They provide a chance to offer a little kindness, to see and reach out to our neighbors in need. One of the things I love most about Nate is that no matter how little he had or how hard he was struggling, he always thought of others, shared what he had, and did what he could for people who were struggling. This project keeps his legacy of love and caring alive. I am deeply grateful to the hundreds of people who have donated items, cash, time, and energy to help reach and serve people in need with over 450 bags that have been gifted in the Rochester area and beyond!

❤️I am deeply grateful to RAW Recovery, the NY Recovery Alliance, and Samadhi who have helped me include critical harm reduction supplies in these bags. Please consider supporting these organizations in the compassionate, vital work they are doing.

What it's been Like
💕 My friend, Cheri, who has jumped onboard with boundless passion, has so many beautiful stories to share – taking Leo for coffee, learning he’s an artist and buying his beautiful painting of a moon; seeing a woman collapsed on the sidewalk, pulling over, grabbing Narcan from a bag and reversing an overdose. Cheri regularly looks for people in need, asks them if they’re hungry, if they need water, and encourages them to call home as she hands them her phone. She gives hugs freely and meets people where they are, as they are. We don’t know how things play out, but we know in these moments a genuine heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul connection has been made.

Another friend carries bags with her, hands them out at lights, and wonders about the stories of the folks she reaches. People share how surprised and grateful recipients are to be seen and treated kindly. Some volunteers have enhanced the bags with an apple, another snack bar, a little more money, or some clothing they’d otherwise leave sitting in a drawer unused. They have chats with people they are meeting and sometimes share a hug.

This project benefits both the giver and the receiver! Our volunteers are people who don’t typically work in street outreach - people who want to make a difference, to do something, and haven’t known how. These bags offer a relatively easy and meaningful way to make a direct impact to a person in need who often feels invisible or scorned.

If I'm in a funk, nothing lifts me like being able to share a heart-to-heart connection, a smile, and a little offering of compassion and kindness.

If You'd Like to Be Part of the CompassioNate Care Mission
💕 Each bag costs between $20-25 because they are chock full of goodness. If you’d like to be part of the CompassioNate Care mission, there are a variety of ways you can join in. Find what feels good, right, and doable to you, whether that’s shopping for items directly from the wish list, sending donations that allow me to shop and fulfill my commitment, or by being one of the people to carry these bright bags and hand them out with a smile and a blessing when there’s an opportunity! Thank you to those who’ve helped me so far and thank you to those who’d like to jump in now!

And to all of us, may we be beacons of light, hope, and kindness in a world that is desperately in need.

✨Here's how to help create CompassioNATE Care Bags ✨

We last put together 142 bags to hand out in the Rochester area in June - our magical number of 111 plus 31 for his 31st birthday. I anticipate assembling our next batch this fall, sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

🌟 Each bag has a card in it with Nate's picture, encouraging messages, and resource numbers to support people in finding the support they need.

🌟 It's easy to contribute! I've created a wishlist which is open for ongoing donations to make it easy for anyone from anywhere to contribute the items we need.

🌟 Cash donations: We could also use cash donations - these help me to buy what's missing and to put a $5 cash in each bag. You can contribute in this way through Venmo - @Barbara-Klein-25. Simply note “Care Bags” to let me know to direct your goodwill to this effort.

🌟 Want to send loving encouragement? If you'd like to write some notes of love, care, and encouragement to be included in the bags, please mail them to me at PO Box 612, Livonia, NY 14487 - send them any time, I will include them in the next batch we put together.

🌟 Willing to help hand out bags? I'm looking for people in the Rochester area to carry bags with them and hand out when they see people in need. Contact me if you're willing to be one of these people!

🌟Want to help this mission grow? Maybe you live outside the Rochester area or you're part of a group that would like to assemble and distribute bags - I'm happy to help you get started. Just e-mail me and I can share with you what I've done and help you get the resource number cards with Nate's picture and messages on the front. I'm very grateful to my friend, Judy, for helping bring some cards and bags to the Albany area in our first large-scale out of area effort!

Let's open our hearts and spread some compassion this summer! You can help to spread some light, warmth, and love to those who need it most.

Thank you so much for your consideration! The journey continues! The love lives on!

Many thanks to News 8 for covering this effort in a short story in June. You can watch here.

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Surprised by Delight

6/9/2024

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Me with my birthday "sandcastle!"

It's been 3 months since I've written, and I want to share with you the way delight has woven its way into these months, sidling up to ever-present grief. These last 3 months have held it all – deep grief as we marked the one-year anniversary of Nate’s passing and entered year 2, periods of drawing inward, withdrawing from people, earnest reflection on this life, and also moments of inspiration and joy. I want to revisit one particularly fun weekend from way back in early March – for you and for me. To remember that I know how to have fun and maybe spark some ideas in you. This was exactly the gift my husband, Tom, gave me for my 60th birthday! Discovering delight, finding fun, and remembering that fun and delight live within me right along with grief and heartache. One does not cancel out, minimize, or replace the other. They are all part of me. Part of our human experience.

What did he do, you might ask? What did he give you? Well, what he did was let me enter the day in my own way. I took a solo walk to the beach at sunrise, which I wrote about in my last blog, Answering the Call, following the magnetic pull I felt to begin my new decade with the sun.

Later that morning, he presented me with Card #1. In it was a color pencil sketched-out map on a piece of graph paper torn from his notebook. Inside its ragged edges was a rough rendering of Hilton Head with 13 activities that I could choose from – things like pastry and chai at the local bakery, make a sandcastle, go into the ocean up to my knees, and pick up my mail at the post office wearing the ginormous silver cone birthday hat he’d bought me. Each one had its own point value, and after I accumulated 50 points, I would get my first gift (and Card #2). Each activity was something he knew I would love - something that would bring me peace or joy. My heart smiled as I took in just how well this man knows me and how deeply he loves me. The quest for delight began! 😊 I’m glad to say that over the course of the weekend, I earned all my points and we had so much fun. He even got me a blow-up unicorn and lots of birthday decorations scattered throughout the condo.

In May we headed to Colorado with a couple of our music-loving buddies, and over lunch at a sweet vegetarian café on Pearl Street in Boulder, I remarked to Tom how surprised I am that we have as much delight in our life as we do. It’s surprising because we also feel the depth of pain that comes with Nate’s physical absence in our lives every single day. As we miss him, we find great delight in the signs we know our son sends us in clouds, bunnies, birds, butterflies, owls, and music. We feel him with us even as we yearn for one more hug, one more talk, one more chance. Delight is a funny thing – its energy light and twinkling, surprising with its little tickles.

Mostly I delight in simple things:

Being hooked by a beautiful sunset or shimmering full moon which take my breath away, but also the sweetness of a baby crescent new moon
Going through all my drawers and closets and putting together a giant bag or more of clothes I've loved but no longer wear to pass along in hopes they bring delight to someone else
Standing barefoot in the sun kissed, dew-dampened grass feeling my connection to earth
Watching a dancing flame of a candle or campfire
Cooking up some yummy food from the fresh produce from a farmers market or produce stand
Closing my eyes, slowing my breath, and soaking in the sun that warms my face
Going for a spontaneous movie or dinner date with Tom – spontaneity is definitely a factor in delight!
Diving into rich, deep conversation with another person who’s willing to dive right in with me, sharing layers of life, dreams, pains, and joys
Feeling the angel artwork in the clouds calling me as I stop to take it in, allowing images to be revealed, imagining their delight at splashing these gifts out for us
Catching beauty every single day indoors and out – colors, textures, life
Watching 2 sweet brown bunnies hop and romp in the yard or the comings and goings of cardinals, finches, mourning doves at the feeders
Homemade potato salad that reminds me of mom
Fairy hair – colorful strands of rainbow, copper, and mermaid blue tinsel threaded into my hair! A magical playful addition I discovered in a little gift shop called Bliss!
Dancing around the kitchen barefoot, ignoring the dirty dishes till later, as I sing loud, hoot, holler, wave, and stomp, freeing my body and voice, letting this movement bring me into this day
Receiving an unexpected phone call or card from a friend (or unexpectedly calling or sending a card to a friend)
Listening to and feeling my heart be moved by live music, especially outdoors in a beautiful place
Hearing the heart-opening stories of joy of someone who’s offered the gift of kindness to a stranger, feeling the depth of these soul connections

I’d love to hear from you:

What are ways you create or find delight in your days?
Where do you find wonder, beauty, and awe?

Please share with us in the comments. As always, we cherish your wisdom!

An Invitation so Share Delight:
Want a chance to help create delight in someone else's life? Someone too many people look away from or don't even see?

Join me in creating 142 CompassioNate Care Bags to be handed out in the Rochester, NY area this summer in loving memory and honor of my son, Nate's 31st birthday. Each colorful string bag holds necessities and niceties along with links to local resources. The bags are handed out by volunteers - people in our community who look for the chance to turn toward a fellow human and offer some love and compassion. The stories I've heard from these encounters are heart-warming, and definitely a source of delight for both giver and recipient. The ripple of love flows outward.

If you'd like to join this mission of compassion and kindness, here's what you can do:

👍Order items to arrive by 6/22 from the wishlist that will be shipped directly to me: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3CDA1IVBB8BMB...
💕 Write simple notes of encouragement or care (messages like “You matter” or “Keep going!” Or whatever comes to your heart) signed with your name or simply as “a friend “ or “someone who cares.” Get artsy! Get the kids involved! All I ask is that you mail them to me at PO Box 612, Livonia, NY 14487 to arrive by 6/22 for them to be included in our bags.
😊 Volunteer to take some bags to carry with you and hand out when you see people in need - email me if you’re interested in meeting this need and we’ll coordinate picking up bags
💰 Cash donations will be used to stock and supplement the bags with beneficial niceties and necessities - email me for my Venmo or mail checks directly to me at PO Box 612, Livonia, NY 14487

The heartfelt stories from those who have helped offer over 300 bags this past year have been amazing! The ripple of kindness and love is deep and wide!

It’s my hope that we can expand our reach beyond the organizations that already serve these folks who struggle with homelessness. It’s also my hope that more hearts will open and may be a beacon of love and hope in dark times. Maybe we’ll even help save a life. I know we’ve saved at least one.

Also, please share this post to expand our circle of possibility if you feel inspired to do so!! We all know someone touched by substance use or mental health and this is what often leads to housing and food insecurity. Help me invite more people to turn toward our fellow humans in their most vulnerable times.

I’m just a mom trying to spread some love, kindness, compassion, and care, so there is no tax benefit to supporting our cause. However, I promise the heart expansion you’ll feel by joining me will be like the Grinch’s heart… growing 3x in one moment!! ❤️❤️❤️

Thank you!