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What Would Love Do?

4/13/2021

Each morning I set an intention for my day…a quality that I invite in to support me throughout the day. A guidepost that I can touch back in with when I remember.
One of my favorite and most powerful intentions is Love. It allows me to check in with it throughout the day, asking, “What would Love do?” before I react to a situation or sink into a particular story I'm telling myself.

Asking What would Love do? allows us to tune into the quality of love as a guiding force. Love reminds us to be gentle with ourselves and others, to act kindly and with compassion, remembering that we're all doing the best we can in this moment.

What does Love do?
Love listens…
Love sees you and hears you
Love comforts a hurting heart
Love softens loneliness
Love sits with a hurting friend without any need to fix or advise
Love gives from a generous place, without expectation
Love fills us up
Love sets boundaries that are clear but not harsh
Love says “yes” or “no” without apology
Love cultivates trust
Love cuddles the dog
Love patiently sets aside the to-do list and chooses to be present with another
Love puts the phone away
Love smiles at a stranger, holds a door, and lets the anxious driver cut in
Love feeds the birds
Love slows down to notice the beauty
Love appreciates what's here

What else??

I invite you to try it out today. When you find yourself reacting, pause… ask yourself, “What would Love do?” and notice how it changes your interactions, your perceptions, your perspective, and your day. Let us know by sharing in the comments!

The meditation I am sharing this week is one called “What Would Love Do?” I invite you to enjoy this practice as we begin by first extending this love to ourselves.

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What are Your Defining Moments?

4/6/2021

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Preparing for a recent podcast conversation with Sandra Sabene, I pondered a question she offered up. What have been the defining moments of my life? Those pivotal moments of impact, the ones we might label “bad” and “awesome.”

For me, these moments have been heart and soul moments – not mind, logic, or typical measures of success moments.

They have been the following my heart and listening to the call of my soul moments that have stirred something inside, shaking me awake, nudging me forward, calling me to show up… even when it’s been hard or I haven’t wanted to. These are the moments that have made me more alive, more me…

These moments let me step fully into the life I have been given, even when I really didn’t like how things were going. The times I did not get stuck in a puddle of victimhood forever, but rose up, stepped forward. These are the times I’ve been able to create something from the pain, work toward initiating change, being part of something new.

Consistently they are moments that that energize and activate me – the moments that say, “We’re off on the next great adventure,” or “Oh boy…here we go, whether I like it or not…”

For me they have often come after major hurdles in life that have threatened to stop me, break me, or bring me to my knees. Sometimes these moments came through death or devastation.

At times they have been excruciatingly painful – they have stopped me and torn me apart, throwing me off a path I desperately wanted to be on. Until (with a lot of loving help and support) I was able to start crawling forward.

Sometimes they came through inspiration and excitement (often a powerful combination of terror and excitement). The words that come pouring through from some unknown place. The art that calls to be created. The move that says, “It’s time!”

Reflecting on several decades of life helped me to realize that there is not ONE defining moment in our lives, but rather a wide collection of them that have brought us to this day.

Defining moments are the “right” steps and the seeming “mis-steps” along the way on the path called YOU. They are the significant yeses and the critical no’s of rejecting what “makes sense,” walking away from what does not fit, and sometimes turning away from the thing you thought you were supposed to be or do.

They are the waking up and coming alive moments. The moments of daring, courage, hearts breaking open. The times you listen to the nudges that get you to the next right place, that bring in the right people at the right time. These are often times you can’t explain or justify (and likely you don’t care to!).

The times you break through the fear and do what you know you have to do, be it “good” or “bad,” easy or tremendously challenging.

More often than not, we don’t know these are defining moments until years later when we look back and see where they’ve led, what they’ve given birth to. At that moment when we stepped into the dark abyss we could never have imagined where it was taking us.

These are the moments when you learn something new about who you are and what you can handle – the times you learn a little bit more about what you stand for. What you will and won’t tolerate. What you absolutely must take action on. The times you make the hard calls or take the bold risks and do the thing even though you’re shaking in your boots.

They are the moments of grace that allow things to unfold as they are meant to on a universal scale, not in the man-made version of life. Only time will reveal the outcome for many of these moments. All we can do is show up for what’s here now – right in this moment. We may not have any idea how it will go.

These are the moments that make the butterflies swarm in your belly, your heart pound through your chest, your whole being get a little dizzy wondering, “Am I really doing this?”

The ability of the heart to find its way back to a friendship that seemed to be lost, to show up for a loved one who is lost in the darkness, the trusting that somehow, we will be all right, no matter what happens… moving into and through fear, into joy and allowing ourselves to feel it all.

These are the defining moments of a life, and I truly am grateful for my wide collection of them.

The Way It Is
By William Stafford

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

Through these moments are woven threads that come from the heart and soul, the essence of who you truly are.

What are your defining moments? Take a moment to soak into them and feel how they feel in your body? I’ve recorded this meditation to guide you through this process if you like.

And if you’d like to hear the conversation that was lit from the spark of this exploration, you can catch it here at Arts & Healing with Sandra.

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Grief and Love

3/9/2021

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Image by Mehrshad Rezaei from Pixabay

Grief and loss have been on my mind a lot lately. I woke up thinking about grief and love the other day – how they are intricately interwoven in this human experience. To love is to lose, and to lose is to grieve. That’s not being pessimistic or dramatic. It’s just true.

If you open your heart to someone, it will likely get broken at some point in some way. And, it is worth the risk because the heart is meant to open. The heart is meant to love.

“The angels want us to love with all our heart,
even though love always hurts,
to take the risk to glean the gold.”
From “The Angels Want,” in 111 Invitations, by Barb Klein

This poem, “The Angels Want,” speaks to this quite beautifully, I believe. In general, as a society, we don’t do pain well – sadness, anger, grief, fear, hurt… we think these are things to “get over” in order to get back to happy. We’re missing a profound part of the human experience by taking that approach.

Unfortunately, too often we make pain wrong. We judge the person who is feeling these things for “too long,” rather than sitting beside them as they sit in their pain. We try to make the pain go away with simple platitudes and empty promises that "this will get better."

We create fairy tale images of love in all forms – partnership, parenthood, friendship, work… and these idealized loves cannot be lived up to in real life. Pain is part of the deal. It does not mean we are doing anything wrong – it means we are exquisitely alive to this human experience. If we are to live, we will hurt. Not all of the time. But some of the time – sometimes deeply, and some hurts we will carry with us forever.

And, yet, we will still find joy and peace. It is not one or the other. We don’t have to choose. This is where we confuse ourselves because we think that if we are sad or grieving, we should only suffer. We think if we are happy and in love or things are going well, we should only feel good. We forget that being human is messy. That life is messy. That we are called to live in the midst of it all – to feel a little (or a lot) of this here and there.

“The angels want us to get lost in extreme ecstasy
and bathe in unimaginable grief,
allowing the emotions to wash over and through us,
cleansing, refreshing, and rebirthing as they flow.”
From “The Angels Want”

Grief and gratitude – they coexist within us. As we come upon the one-year anniversary of the COVID pandemic and quarantine, it’s likely you’ll reflect that the past year has been full of both. The more we allow ourselves to feel the depth and breadth of these experiences, the more alive we truly are. Fully alive doesn’t mean feeling good; it just means feeling everything more.

I have been guilty of the “stay in the feel-good arena” more often than I’d like to admit – for myself and for those I care about. I’ve not done any of us any service by trying to move us out of the painful place too soon. To learn to be with ourselves, with one another in the depths of pain – this is the gift of the open-hearted human experience.

We can do better. We can live more fully when we stop making it wrong to cry, to scream, to hurt. When we stop numbing the pain, we are more open to the bliss. When we stop over-simplifying what we think life will be/should be, we can get on with living the life that is here, with all of its moments and phases. Afterall, “the angels want us to live while we are here…” (from “The Angels Want”)

Want to be a better support person for someone who’s hurting?
Here’s a great short video by Brene Brown about empathy that offers some tips on how to be with someone in their sadness or pain. It’s something that we have not been taught. It’s OK not to know. And it’s skillful to learn to do better. Here’s another video from Refuge in Grief about How do You Help a Grieving Friend?

More resources are available on my Resources page - this topic feels important enough to have its own section. Please let me know if you have other great resources I should add!

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Human Happens... It's OK!

1/26/2021

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Grumpy cat (weird for "Human Happens" I admit but this face... oh my!)

Remember that great book, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?” I think he did have a string of rotten things happen to him that had him dreaming of running away to Australia… or maybe he just had a rotten day. It happens.

I found myself in a rotten foul mood for no good reason at all (but we think we need a reason, don’t we!?) In fact, there were lots of reasons on that particular day that I “should” have been happy! The sun was shining, I had nothing but a great day planned, my arm was pain-free for the first time in a long time, on and on and on… And the fact that I “should” have been happy only made it worse that I really wanted to jump out of my own skin! (that never goes well, by the way!)

My mind wanted to make sense of it (as minds do)… if I could understand it, then my brain could categorize it, and tuck it away neatly in a file as that reason for bad moods… My self-care teacher self knew all of the things I COULD do to try to shift it, but I wanted nothing to do with any of them. In fact, these are the times when I want to throw my own book across the room and I tell my own teachings to “F%$K off!” My Buddhist teachings kicked in to remind me to just be with it. That really didn’t feel great, but in the end, that’s the path I took.

Being human is messy. Life is messy. Bad moods will come. Good moods will come. Inspiration will rise up and at other times, like the other day, we will find ourselves flailing and floundering in the dark... feeling we have nothing to offer the world. In those dark pit of ick moments it’s hard to see the way out and the last thing we want to hear is “This too shall pass…” Will it!? I’m sure it will, but right now, this is where I am – let me be!

Even today as I reflected on it in my journaling, I noted that I am feeling “more like myself” with some small sense of relief. Then I noticed the implied judgement in that… as if “myself” is the one who is uplifting and inspired and feeling good… as if the me who is down, depressed, pissy, and just irritable for no good reason is not really me.

Whew! This being human is not for the faint of heart, especially if, like me, you love exploring this inner landscape which can get oh so messy and confusing at times!

But what’s really important is for each of us to remember that human happens. Human isn’t always pretty, it isn’t always what we prefer, it includes all the feelings and all the thoughts and worries, and it can swoop in unexpected and uninvited. When it does, what we do with it matters. How we treat ourselves in these moments matters.

There is a movement out there that supports the idea that we should feel good all the time and that the goal is to get to that feel good state at all costs and as soon as possible. This, my friends, is spiritual BS, spiritual bypassing. Even if we buy into the idea that peace is our natural inherent state and that love is what we’re made of, we are still going to have terrible, rotten, no good days for no obvious reason. And it is OK!!

Self-care doesn’t mean do all the things so you can feel better as soon as possible. Self-care means sit with yourself, as you are in your current state of exhaustion, confusion, anger, sadness, or ugliness… that’s it. Just be with yourself there and give yourself tender loving care and acceptance. OK, this is how it’s gonna be right now. I don’t like it, but I’m willing to sit with this discomfort. You’re not doing life wrong. You’re not doing anything wrong. You are simply being your very real, very vulnerable, very tender, open-hearted self. Cause, damn it, the more open our hearts are, the more we will feel! (I offer you this meditation – Befriending Yourself – to help you sit with yourself lovingly).

Now, might my bad mood be a natural after-effect from the happenings in the world, the relief and coming down after Wednesday’s inauguration and the end of an intensive 5-day training? Might I have just simply hit a wall of exhaustion after 11 months of COVID? Sure, maybe… And, who cares? What I want to do is to normalize bad days. To give each of us permission to just have a bad day… without apology, without explanation, without worry, without shame. And, actually, to even expect them. They are part of riding the waves… it’s unsustainable to stay in the crest all the time. The dip, the fall, the drop will inevitably come, until the next swell.

To think that we are “less than” on these days, that we should somehow apologize for ourselves, hide away, and pretend to be ok when we are not is the very opposite of loving self-care. To put up a false front is to chop off a very real part of ourselves and that’s just cruel…

Human happens. You’re human. I’m human. It’s OK. Some days are just like this. This too shall pass… (cue the throwing of the book or tomatoes, or whatever! 😊)

And, here's the secret and the truth... the more we are able to sit with these times of discomfort, to wait them out in all of their ickiness, the less we stay stuck in them. We are better able to move through when we lean into what's here than when we try to stuff our feelings down, hide them away, or banish them from the building.

Thoughts?

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Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

12/21/2020

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Today marks the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. On this darkest day of the year, the pivotal moment between dark and light, it is the perfect time to honor the darkness that has come into our lives through addiction. It is a time to honor those who have been lost to the disease, to remember them with love. It is a time to honor the struggle and the perseverance of those who are on the journey of recovery, and to honor ourselves and other loved ones who have also found a way through the darkness.

In honoring the darkness and in grieving the losses we have endured, we bring those moments into the light. When we bring them into the light, they are no longer hiding in the shadows, lurking in shame, or hidden in silence. We claim and name our experience. We see it for what it has been. We presence it.

When we do this, we are able to step forward into the light. Just as the days begin to get longer with a bit more light from tomorrow on, we too can begin to bring more light into our homes and our beings.

Addiction is a painful disease, as you undoubtedly know. It affects everyone in its wake and can take down entire families with the weight of its suffering.

However (and this is a big however), the journey from darkness to light does not have to take us out forever. It is possible to find hope, joy, peace, love, and to create a brighter tomorrow, even when we have been impacted by addiction.

If you are reading this, you are alive, and for that fact alone there is reason to celebrate. You have been given the opportunity to live one more day. What will you do with this one precious life you have been given? How will you set your soul free to express itself? What is uniquely yours to do?

Is there some way to honor your journey up to this very moment--the good, the bad, and the ugly, the full messiness of it all? The painful, the joyous, the fearfulness, and the hope? Whatever it’s looked like in the past, today marks a new day, albeit a short one. Tomorrow offers the light of fresh possibility, as each day does. How do you want to step into tomorrow?

If we are able to find a way to turn our pain (or darkness) into possibility (or light), we can transform these heavy experiences into something that serve and support us and others. We can show up for life more fully. We can become who we were born to be.

Let’s face it, 2020 has carried a full load of darkness, collectively, along with anything that you might have experienced personally.

For many the holidays are emotionally-charged times and may bring in a healthy mix of emotions… sadness, joy, celebration, loneliness. I know I will be feeling both sadness for those who are not with us during this holiday season as well as joy and gratitude for those who are.

There is room for it all. When we allow ourselves to feel it all, to allow our hearts to carry this messy mix of what makes us human, we are able to move through it.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brene Brown

So, let this pivotal day be a day that marks the honoring of both the dark and the light. Let us take a step back and look at the big picture of our lives and recognize that our experiences have not been all good or all bad, but rather a mix of both.

Addiction can entomb us with its heavy cloak of darkness if we let it, but we can choose to lift up the corner of that cloak and peek outside. We can lay down the heaviness and step into the light. We get to choose.

We may well prefer the moments of lightness, light-heartedness, and light in general, but there is also a gift to receive during the dark and challenging times. We must be willing to sit with this part of our reality if we are to truly enjoy the light.

I have found that it is in the dark where I have grown the most. I wonder if that might be true for you as well. I offer you this poem for consideration.

The Places We Grow
It’s in the dark,
in the shadows,
where we stretch and grow.

We face ourselves
and see a new or forgotten aspect,
a piece we’d rather ignore or deny.

But there it is…
staring us down,
daring us to change,
to find a new way,
or to simply come into acceptance.

Sometimes it’s about overcoming
or adjusting.
Finding a way to do this with
love, compassion,
and gentle communion.

Honoring the self…
who I am,
where I am,
what I need,
what my baggage is.

And stepping into a deeper layer,
excavating and shifting,
allowing new light in,
and new hope out.

These are the places we grow –
often watered
and nourished with tears.
© Barb Klein, 2016, “The Places We Grow,” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

Where and how can you nourish yourself today? How might you allow some new light in--to your being, to your life? How can you allow a little more hope to shine into the world?

Begin by greeting yourself exactly where you are--gently, with tenderness, care, and compassion. Offer yourself the space and grace to feel into what’s alive within your heart at this moment. Ask your heart what it needs at this moment to be truly nurtured and nourished. Then respond accordingly. You deserve your own loving care.

We are on the cusp of a new year and we can only hope that 2021 is bringing with it new possibility, hope, and fresh beginnings. Today let’s pause. Let’s look at our lives and our loved ones with reverence. Let’s honor this journey where we have walked, crawled, and stumbled while we look ahead to the light of new creativity. Let’s let this darkest day of the year—December 21-- be a personal pivotal moment for us to enter an illuminated future.

* Originally published in MomPower. org

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Cultivating a Relationship of Self-Trust

12/20/2020

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How well do you trust yourself? Really trust yourself for things like listening to your inner guidance, being with yourself through all of your experiences, listening to your body, and having your own back?

We live in a world that encourages us not to trust ourselves… not believing in ourselves, looking outward for answers, guidance, solutions. Buy this makeup, follow this diet, change your world. Listen to this guru who knows what you need (and is all too happy to tell you so!). Follow this trend…

Furthermore, most of us have a loud and ferocious inner critic who is all too happy to tell us all the things that are wrong with us – causing us to doubt ourselves or beat ourselves up when we think we’ve said the wrong thing, done the wrong thing, or are considering taking a big bold leap into something new. “Who do you think you are?” is often a familiar refrain.

Is it any wonder that many of us struggle in this area? Trusting ourselves, believing in ourselves, being with ourselves through joy and pain is not something that has been taught or encouraged.

I was inspired to explore this topic after discussing one of Susan Piver’s talks (which you can find here) with my Meditation Instructors Group. One of the key takeaways for me was that turning toward our experience, leaning into our feelings, is a critical element to cultivating a trusting relationship with ourselves. Feeling the reassurance that we have the capacity to be with ourselves, to make room for our feelings, to be with the unknown, not that we have all of the answers, but that we resourced enough to turn toward what is here, moment by moment.

Trusting ourselves comes into play when we find ourselves facing a familiar uncomfortable scenario – remembering things we have been through in the past and acknowledging past courage, strength, resilience. We can also trust that we have grown and changed since the last time we’ve been confronted with a situation; we are not the same person, so we can respond differently this time.

Building a loving relationship of gentleness, compassion, and kindness toward ourselves allows us to come home to ourselves in a way that feels safe because we can trust that we will be received in a way that is welcoming. When we can learn to trust ourselves, when we find ourselves worthy of our trust, life changes.

I invite you to play with this idea. Try trusting your intuition, your gut, your wisdom and guidance, your ability to know what you need and to ask for help when you need it. Play with the idea that you’ve got this (whatever “this” is) and at the very least you will walk with yourself through it, finding your way.

Value your own opinion and ideas. Respect your own experience. Cherish your moments of delight. Sit with your moments of sadness and fear, knowing you don’t have to push through or jump over anything – you get to be exactly where you are, moment by moment! The more you meet yourself in this way, the stronger this practice will become. The more deeply you will find yourself in a place of centered self-trust.

I’ve recorded this short talk and meditation for you to support your exploration.

If you’d like to receive weekly meditations from me, email me and say “please add me to the meditation list!” and you will receive one each Wed. AM.

Please share your thoughts, reflections, and insights below!

Wishing you peace, love, and trust!

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Grace

11/8/2020

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I’ve been pondering “grace” as we move toward our Virtual Mini Retreat on the 11th, Finding Grace. I wonder if it may be slightly mis-named, as I think grace may be unfindable. Grace finds you.

What is grace? It is not those words we rotely recited at dinner as a child (or maybe, for you, it is).

You can witness it, experience it, feel it, but it seems to be beyond words. It’s not something you work at, but rather an ethereal quality that enters into both beautiful and troubling moments of life. There is an opening to grace, an allowing that happens.

Grace is present in the pre-dawn hours when a mother sits in the dark, gently rocking her sweet sleeping baby. Grace is present in the soft kiss on the brow of a dying loved one. Grace enters in and carries us in the moments we don’t lose it in the midst of rage and confusion – when instead we are able to stand steady and face whatever is here. When we are able to be clear, confident, and compassionate, even as our voice quakes and our whole being shakes.

Grace is a Divine presence that encircles us when we come together in times of fierce and gentle love. Grace holds us when we surrender and allow ourselves to be led. Grace is also present in the strong actions of protest against injustice and wrong-doing. When we find the courage to stand up and face our oppressor, and say “no more” in a clear and unwavering stance, grace surely stands by our side.

Grace is witnessed in the silent prancing of the deer, the smooth flight of the seagull, the head toss of a frolicking horse. In the breath-taking performance of a ballerina or a singer taken over by a mighty force from within. Those moments that leave you breathless. I think grace is present there.

So, how do we “find grace?” We quiet our minds. We slow down our busy selves. We open our hearts and our eyes to notice. We breathe softly. We listen deeply. We love fiercely.

Grace is in the magic of the rising and setting sun, the changing of the leaves to orange, yellow, and red, in the delicate uniqueness of the snowflake. Grace can be soft, and it can also be fierce.

Grace is in the miracle of lives spared in unimaginably treacherous situations. It is in the reuniting of lost loved ones. It is in the protection of the imprisoned as they find their way home. Grace finds us and opens us if we allow it.

Grace is in the language of the poet, the flow of the dance, the stroke of the artist’s brush, the gentleness of the breeze, and the reflection of the still pond.

For something that is beyond words, I’ve just found a lot… after all, grace is worthy of our curiosity, our exploration, our inquiry. Grace deserves to have us sit with her and feel her softness and her strength in the beating of our heart, the pulsing of our veins. Grace is a life force energy all its own.

We will not see it in the blustering of an enraged person or in one driven by fear or vengeance. Does grace exist in fear? I don’t know, but I do know it can glide in as a balm if we allow it.

Grace is admitting when the fight is over and walking away. Grace is embodied in acceptance, and it walks hand in hand with dignity. Grace is woven into the tapestry of healing and recovery. Grace is in the eyes of the one who can look beneath the surface, into the heart and soul of another, and see the essential goodness.

Grace is in extending compassion to those who have hurt you. It slips into the dark places of pain to say, “May I begin to forgive you in order to release my soul from the agony of so much anger, hatred, and blame.” Grace says, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please forgive me.” Grace loves when it seems unreasonable, and grace also holds the boundary that says, I love me too, and this I cannot/will not endure any longer.

Grace will guide us when we ask to be led to it. In the quiet still moments, ask. What do you find? Invite it in. Let it hold you in troubling times. What do you feel? It is worthy of noticing.

For me, this simple exploration has softened me. It has slowed my entire being. It has calmed each cell in this body and soothed my racing mind.

Grace holds fiercely, but lightly, what she stands for. Grace is Divine. It cannot be defined, for words limit its boundlessness, but it can most certainly be felt and seen.

It is the sparkle in the darkest of times that whispers, “We will be ok. We will be ok. We are ok. We are stronger than we think, and we will get through, but not by kicking and screaming and forcing things to go away. We will be ok when we accept and allow, and show up to follow our guidance. We will be ok.”

Thoughts? I invite you to sit with the idea of grace. What comes up for you? Please share.

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Lessons Learned from My Mom...

11/1/2020

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This time of year marks the anniversary of my mom’s passing. It’s been 17 years now, and I have been reflecting on the life and love I was blessed to share with her while she was here. I thought it would break me to lose her, and it didn’t. I still feel her with me, even now. She lives on in my heart.

My mother was a beautiful blend of sweetness, gentleness, kindness, shyness, humility, feigned incompetence, and fierce fiery grit. This woman would helplessly ask me to change her clock time or her lightbulb, but she faced cancer like a warrior woman!

Here are just a few of the lessons I learned from my dear mother:

Do not collapse when you think you can’t go on – You are stronger than you think!
When my dad left her for another woman after 32 years in an era when a woman’s only job was to devote her entire life and being to her family, she did not collapse. Facing unwanted independence in her early 50’s, she showed up for herself. She hadn’t worked since her 20’s, but she launched herself into temp work that ultimately led her to a position in our local library that she held onto into her early 70’s because she loved it so much.

Kindness is the way to go. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
When a waitress was particularly gruff, rather than getting upset about how badly we were being treated, Mom brought in gentleness, understanding and compassion… offering “Maybe she just broke up with her boyfriend…”

Don’t bear a grudge – forgive and bring loving compassion to people and situations, even when it doesn’t seem reasonable
After my parents’ divorce, she never spoke unkindly about my dad and encouraged us to be involved with him. She found a way to forgive, I guess. I don’t think she had a bitter bone in her body, but rather gave people grace, compassion, and loving kindness.

Flow with what life brings your way
I always knew I would lose my mother too early in my life – she was 44 when she had me, after all. I was undoubtedly an accident (ultimately a happy one, I believe) after my parents adopted my oldest brother when it seemed they couldn’t have kids, and subsequently gave birth to 4 more. It had been 10 years since a baby had been in the home and my sister was deathly ill. I don’t know how my mom did it, but somehow, she created a loving home for one more. She opened her arms to a baby, tended to her daughter in the hospital, cared for the others, and pulled it all together – finding a way to clean the house, cook the meals, bake the cookies, and love on us as if we were all that mattered. She was the epitome of a good mother!

Be free!! Enjoy this life.
When I was 12, my dad left us, having found a woman who he thought better matched his intellectual and adventurous tendencies. While devastating in some ways, this also deepened the richness of my life with my mom and our opportunities to live our own adventurous life! I was the only one at home, so we bonded together and began to travel the world – we ate out more often, we laughed more often, we found things we enjoyed doing together, and we became best friends. We made it through, and we made it through in style, choosing to live rather than crumple into a defeated puddle. St. Croix, Disney, Texas, Arizona, and cruises called to us, and we said “Yes!” Summers were spent at our cottage in the Finger Lakes, playing cards, savoring root beer floats, entertaining friends and family, and basking in the beauty and peace of this place that mom had bought with her own money.

Don’t be fooled by the soft veneer – underneath a mighty giant lies in wait to awaken when she is called
When Mom was 72, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent treatment involving surgery, radiation, and medication. Grateful to live nearby I was able to support this modest woman with wound care, meals, home care, and rides. She went on to beat this cancer and found remission. She lived life and enjoyed her family, friends, work, music, theater, and travel. Cancer was not going to stop her.

Persevere in the face of adversity
6 years later, a new cancer came, likely a result of the medication she had taken for the breast cancer. She stayed with us post-surgery and my family and I were able to support her through recovery, and the ongoing chemo. She loved her medical team and even seemed to look forward to her chemo days. She did all that she could to beat this disease so that she could continue to thrive.

When the choice is life, choose it!
For nearly three decades she had shown me what it could be like to live life fully, and she wasn’t about to stop now. She made the decision to leave the home she had lived in for about 20 years to move into a senior living facility in order to have community and support. Moving is always a big transition, but she handled it with grace and ease. She enjoyed meeting new people and sharing activities and meals with them.

When it’s time to go, go in your own way.
On the day before her death, my sister and I (having no idea that the end was so near) visited with her, cleaned her apartment, ironed her clothes and got things in order. I think this mattered a lot in the sense that things were “tidied up.” She had hurt herself in a fall over a week before and was in a good deal of pain, food no longer tasted good and that was a big loss for my mom – she loved to enjoy her food!

I don’t even know why, but I asked her if she sometimes wished she could just die, and she acknowledged that yes, she did. I suspect there was an unspoken permission to go in that conversation. She told the nurse that night that she wished she could just close her eyes and drift away… this seems to be exactly what she did. They found her the next morning, “unconscious and unresponsive.”

And, though it wasn’t the end I envisioned, because I strongly wanted to be with her by her side as she passed, I realize she would never have wanted that. She loved us but would not have wanted to distress us with her final breaths. I find comfort in witnessing how much choice she seemed to have in the timing of her departure – before the cancer that was invading her belly took over and things got really miserable. She went at the exact age she had always told me “seemed like a good age to die.” She had lived a full, rich, and loving life, and she was ready to be done.

Love transcends time and space.
I still feel her here with me, breathing through me, inside of me, emanating out, supporting me as I move through my life. I know she walks with me, loves me, and looks over us all. I can lean into her soft and gentle embrace (I can still feel how gloriously smooth, warm, and soft her skin was). I can remember her tender look and feel. I am softened by her sweetness. I thought it would kill me to lose her. It hasn’t. It has added to my will to live, and I will be forever grateful for that!

I love you and miss you every day, Mama Bear!! Thank you for being my mother and my best friend!

p.s. a few more lessons that might have supported me and might serve you well:
Baking soothes the soul (as do the smell and taste of fresh-baked bread, cookies, and cake!)!!
There’s always time and room for “a little something” (her version of a shared sweet treat)
Live well, laugh often, love deeply!
Wishing you a little something sweet this week!!

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Let's Lean into Nature

10/10/2020

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Let’s lean into nature’s wisdom and away from the fearfulness and reactivity of human nature. In nature there is an inherent understanding of the ever-changing nature of life – the seasons, days, cycles… they happen without thought or worry.

Seeds scatter everywhere – some will take root and flourish, while others will become food for some animal or nourishment for the soil. Acorns don’t strive to become the biggest, strongest, best oak tree in the forest. They simply hold their potential and allow it to break forth in the perfect time, in the perfect way.

Nature flows with the great mystery. It doesn’t need to know how or when things will work out.

Animals simply follow the rhythm of their ancestors, follow their inherent knowing about when to gather, move, hide, or attack. They don’t waste time on worry or hate.

In the wilderness, diversity is valued and appreciated. The multitude of trees and plants yield a variety of beauty that we cherish. Species are interdependent and interconnected, as are we if we would only pause long enough to feel into this truth. Can we learn to value the uniqueness each of us brings to this life? What would be possible if we operated with a solid understanding of our inter-relatedness?

At this very moment where I live, trees are shedding their lives, gathering their energy inward to move into a time of dormancy. They are letting go of the past season – allowing the old to fall away in preparation for what’s to come. Preparing for a time of rest and rooting before opening their branches to new growth in just a few months. What might you let go of to prepare you for fresh growth?

What would it be like if we could quiet the tendency to get busy and simply drop our roots into those things that nourish and nurture us so that we can stand strong and steady amidst the storms? What if we learn to bend and sway with the winds so that we don’t break in unyielding rigidity?

What might we learn from the forest? Mary Reynolds Thompson offers this wisdom from the forest (5 min. video) to support us as we deal with a global pandemic.

As Thompson says in her book, Reclaiming the Wild Soul: How Earth’s Landscapes Restore Us to Wholeness, “The wisdom you seek (in the forest) can be experienced but never possessed. Wild, ancient, primal, it moves through the shadows. The presence of such mystery and immensity is overwhelming. You may have to fight the urge to break the tension by running away. But, if you remain, at least for a while, things will happen. In this uncertain world, creativity flourishes.”

Can we cultivate the capacity to take a deep breath, stand still, and be in the present moment? Can we stop and feel the tension of wanting to do something and not knowing in this mysterious time?

What if we could simply learn to hold ourselves, knowing something new is growing and will emerge? Root, breathe, pay attention, and go deep within ourselves to feel for what is wanting to come forth naturally and organically, without force.

Can we allow the uncertainty to give birth to creativity? We are in a time where we need creative thinking, problem solving, and fresh ideas… and if we can only be still for a bit, we can allow space for those things to emerge from a place of intelligence that comes from deep within.

Please share your thoughts and reflections below.

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Pressure, Pause... and, Begin Again!

8/3/2020

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So many pressures are bearing down on us these days – maybe you’ve noticed!? I’m sure we each have our own flavor, our own personal pressures, and also the collective shared pressures from our country, world, society, and culture. It is a lot. I feel the weight of it… even though I have a great deal of flexibility in my schedule, a great deal of privilege in my life, and a lot of excellent practices to help support and sustain me.

Some pressures come in even from things that feel "good" or inviting… the call of a beautiful summer day to get outdoors and do all the things, use all the toys, do the outdoor work, etc… (you can read my poem, “The Pressure of a Beautiful, Perfect Summer Day” here for more about that).

People asking “What do you have planned for the weekend? What are you going to do?” It wasn’t until a friend texted and asked me “What aren’t you going to do this weekend?” that it hit me how conditioned we are to think that a “good weekend” is one that’s packed with activity, productivity, or a combination of both. We are not programmed to let down, and many of us struggle to even know how to relax.

Then there’s the internal pressure we apply on ourselves… I should be doing something. I’m lazy if I just sit here and read. What’s wrong with me? I know I need to… I have so many things on my list… ______ needs this from me…

Often when we do slow down and let ourselves pause or stop, even briefly, our body lets us know just how tired we are. If we are listening with kindness, compassion, and care, we might just give it a nap or an early bedtime, without judgment. Or we might just give ourselves a sweet time-out.

And then we can begin again… refreshed, renewed, with a brain that now has the ability to think creatively. When we go through this cycle of pressure, pause, begin again, actually allowing ourselves each of those phases, we may be surprised. We may notice that we feel clearer, stronger, and more energized as we face the things we need and want to do.

It takes a lot of awareness and it requires courage to add in the pause in a world that values “busy” and “productive…” I’m here to tell you, there are no gold medals for burning yourself out! No extra stars for pushing through when it’s going to leave you depleted. Abandoning yourself and your needs to do all the things or care for everyone else is not the way to go.

PAUSE...

Stop! Please. Listen to your sweet body, to your racing mind, your lonely heart, your frazzled spirit. What do they need and want?

Pause. Tune in. Listen. And, then honor what you hear by responding. This is the part we sometimes skip – we hear what is desperately needed, but we tell that part of ourselves to just wait or to shut up. Instead, I invite and encourage you to give yourself the same TLC you’d give your beloved child or your best friend. Do what you need to tend to your body, comfort your own heart, calm your mind, soothe your soul. Let your nervous system take a break before you ask it to get on to the next thing…

Then, after you’ve given yourself this little break, even if it is only for 5 minutes, begin again, with fresh energy, fresh life, feeling a little recharged. See if it makes a difference, and let us know by commenting below!

If you’d like to play with this idea, I invite you to join me and my dear friend and colleague, Carol Moon, from Yoga & Wellness with Carol, for a Mini Retreat – Begin Anew! this Friday, August 7 from 9-11:30 AM ET. It’s a great way to end your week, begin your weekend, and honor yourself with a little space for reflection, movement, and pause. It’s a chance to slow down, go within, and pause… It’s a re-set in a sweet and nourishing way. Join us. We’d love to welcome you into circle. If you want to hear a bit more about it, get a sense of us and what we’re creating, please watch this short video! And, if you have questions, please reach out.

Until our paths cross, I’m sending you so much love and wishing you the peace of a pause to balance the pressures of being human.

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What Would Love Do?

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Human Happens... It's OK!

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Cultivating a Relationship of Self-Trust

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Let's Lean into Nature

Pressure, Pause... and, Begin Again!

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