Inspired Possibility
  • Home
  • About
    • Testimonials
    • Privacy Policy
  • Work with Me
    • Coming Home to Yourself Coaching
    • Serenity Now Retreats
  • Events
    • Come Home to Yourself Retreat
  • The Book!
    • Book Testimonials
  • Blog
    • Subscribe
  • Resources
  • Contact

"You'll Be Fine..."  "You Don't Know That!"

4/29/2022

6 Comments

 
Picture
Seven years ago, I was scheduled for a needle biopsy.  I was scared, and we did not know what the results would show. I didn't care that this was a "routine procedure."  I was grateful that not too many people hit me with “You’ll be fine,” because that would have really pissed me off!  I was grateful there were people who listened and gave me space to be honest about my fear.  It would have felt like a lie in some ways for anyone to say “you’ll be fine.”  It would have felt dismissive.  It’s a form of toxic positivity.  A reflection of their discomfort with my discomfort. 

Here's a bit from a post I wrote at the time, “I Know a Woman:” (Hint: I was this woman)
“Right now this woman is having a mini-wakeup call – a small awakening to what could be a new reality for her body. She is so very grateful for the doctor and the people in her life who take time to listen, but don’t venture to offer the false reassurance, “You’ll be fine.” Because we don’t know.  We don’t know what they’ll find. So, please, she asks, let her be in the space of uncertainty, the space of unknowing.

Right now she has a lot of questions.  Does she put her life on hold? Hold her breath till she knows? How does she lovingly support herself through this time? Who can she lean on for support? Who are the people who are really able to be there for her, rather than needing her to comfort and reassure them that she will be “fine;” that it’s “nothing?”

I trust she will be fine one way or the other simply because of her peace, her trust, and her faith that she is living her life as it comes. She will be “fine” because she will face what comes to her with courage, with love, and with the same belief in possibility that she usually has.  And, at times “fine” might include tears, anger, and fear.

…This woman enters these next few weeks of uncertainty wanting to be very real about it, and with as much grace, dignity, and ease as she can muster. She will welcome all of the many feelings and thoughts that may dance through her days.”

How often do we find ourselves not knowing what to say when someone is scared, angry, grieving, or lost?  Blurting out things like “You’ll be fine.  You’ll get through this.  You’ve got this!”  Maybe we say these things because we’re afraid too. Or we want to smother the person in comfort, to take away their fear or pain as quickly as possible.  Or we want to cheerlead with a strong vote of confidence.
 
We mean well.  We care. We are not bad or insensitive people, and we probably haven’t been taught how to be with uncomfortable emotions.  We can do better.  Because these messages can leave people feeling even more alone, misunderstood.  Sometimes it’s better to do as my friend, Lori, says and take out the duct tape and zip it… just listen.  Say nothing.  Sometimes there are no words.

When someone you love is struggling or suffering, what would it be like to simply sit with them, allow them to feel what they’re feeling, let it be ok to admit that what’s coming is unknown and scary, and be uncomfortable together? 

How do you want people to show up for you in these moments of uncertainty? 

Brené Brown has a fantastic short video on Empathy.  “Empathy fuels connection.  Empathy is feeling with people,” she says.  And she highlights what a gift it is when we don’t need to try to make things better.   I highly recommend you take a few minutes right now to watch it and then think about bringing this into your way of being.  There are endless opportunities calling for empathy. 

This is what the #AtoZChallenge has me wondering about today.  What things have people said to you that you wish they hadn’t?  What’s been helpful instead?  What words or action fuel connection?  Which ones leave you feeling more alone? 
​
Want to read another blog about this? I think Kevin Thompson does a nice job in “You Don’t Know that I’ll Be Fine.”  


Picture
6 Comments

I Know a Woman...

6/4/2015

9 Comments

 
Picture
I want to talk about a “taboo,” off-limit subject.  Sorry, it’s not sexy. A week ago I wouldn’t have dreamt that we’d be having this conversation, but we need to. We need to because too many people face this alone and too many people don’t know how to react when someone shares this news with them. We need to talk about this because it’s a very real scenario that happens in households everywhere every day, and I want to be real about it. I want to give voice to it.

So here goes…

The topic most people would rather not talk about – biopsy… and cancer.  I know a woman and she has to have a biopsy, and that means she might have cancer.  Of course, she might not. But there’s reason for concern, so they’re “taking a look.” This woman is having her own unique experience and at the same time represents hundreds of thousands of women and men. 

She is oddly at peace with this, trusting that this (whatever “this” is) is part of her life journey.  She does not feel gripped by fear, but she does find herself wondering… “What if I do have cancer?”  How does she want to show up to life if cancer does become her reality in the next few weeks? What will rise to the surface as that which matters most?  Who will she choose to spend time with and how will she choose to spend her time and energy?  What would change? What would stay the same?

I imagine, like having a baby, everything changes in some way – her world, as she knows it, would never be the same. But, “cancer” – such a scary word that can so easily define and consume life.  She doesn’t want to have cancer, and the fear is definitely present…even in the peace.

We know of many miraculous stories where people have healed or reversed their cancer, often through natural means.  What route would I take, I wonder, if it were me?  I started a clean eating regimen last month – removing caffeine, alcohol, gluten, sugar, processed foods, dairy, and animal proteins from my diet. At the time I felt really ready and enthused, and I’ve felt great on this new way of eating, this new way of nourishing my body with real foods.  One of the things I said before I began was, “I want to do this before I have a wakeup call.”

Right now this woman is having a mini-wakeup call – a small awakening to what could be a new reality for her body. She is so very grateful for the doctor and the people in her life who take time to listen, but don’t venture to offer the false reassurance, “You’ll be fine.” Because we don’t know.  We don’t know what they’ll find. So, please, she asks, let her be in the space of uncertainty, the space of unknowing.

Right now she has a lot of questions.  Does she put her life on hold? Hold her breath till she knows? How does she lovingly support herself through this time? Who can she lean on for support? Who are the people who are really able to be there for her, rather than needing her to comfort and reassure them that she will be “fine;” that it’s “nothing?”

I trust she will be fine one way or the other simply because of her peace, her trust, and her faith that she is living her life as it comes. She will be “fine” because she will face what comes to her with courage, with love, and with the same belief in possibility that she usually has.  And, at times “fine” might include tears, anger, and fear.

If it is cancer (and it might be – let’s wrap our heads around that possibility), it will no doubt bring lessons and opportunities for a richer life. Witnessing this has most certainly deepened my philosophy that life is for living NOW.  This woman enters these next few weeks of uncertainty wanting to be very real about it, and with as much grace, dignity, and ease as she can muster. She will welcome all of the many feelings and thoughts that may dance through her days.


9 Comments
    Subscribe

    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!!    

    Archives

    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    September 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    March 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    November 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    May 2016
    February 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014

    Categories

    All
    Addiction
    #AtoZ Challenge
    Balance
    Biopsy
    Cancer
    Career
    Challenge
    Change
    Choice
    Comfort Zone
    Commitment
    Compassion
    Connection
    Coronoavirus
    COVID 19
    COVID-19
    Discernment
    Discomfort
    Disconnect
    Dreams
    Election
    Empathy
    Empowerment
    Extraordinary
    Family Recovery
    Freedom
    Grace
    Gratitude
    Grief
    Health
    Holidays
    Hope
    Inner Work
    Inquiry
    Inspiration
    Intention
    Intuition
    Joy
    Kindness
    Letting Go
    Life
    Light
    Logic
    Loving Kindness
    Meditation
    Mental Health
    Mindfulness
    Mom
    National Recovery Month
    New Year
    Overwhelm
    Pause
    Peace
    Perfectionism
    Personal Growth
    Perspective
    Possibility
    Presence
    Procrastination
    Purpose
    Quarantine
    Recovery
    Relationships
    Responsibility
    Rest
    Retreat
    Sadness
    Self Awareness
    Self Care
    Self-care
    Self Compassion
    Self-compassion
    Self Renewal
    Self-renewal
    Slowing Down
    Solstice
    Sport
    Stillness
    Strength
    Substance Use Disorder
    Support
    Thanksgiving
    Time
    Transition
    Wellbeing

    RSS Feed

Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com