Inspired Possibility Blog

What Being in Recovery Means to Me

9/16/2021

Young man (my son) dressed in Senior Ball suit kissing woman (me) in front of a tree

Me and my son 10 years ago (still one of my favorite moments that captures our joy and love)

September is National Recovery Month!

Recovery is possible for people with substance use disorder and for their families! And those things are not dependent on one another.

I am a family member in long-term recovery from the effects of my son’s substance use disorder.

What that means to me is that I have found a way to recover, reclaim, and live my life, while also loving my son. It means that my happiness, peace of mind, and well-being do not depend on his. It means I have accepted that we are separate individuals each walking our own journey and I can honor our paths and our bond. I am grateful to walk alongside him and for the depth of love this journey has brought forward for us.

It means that I am committed to living life fully, to embracing my days and showing up for my life, even on days when my son has struggled...even on days when I am struggling. It means taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time. It means that I have practices that help me to practice self-care and to be mindfully present - which means that I meet myself where I am honestly - some days are better than others. I am devoted to true self care as I define it: to be true to and gentle with myself one moment at a time.

It means remembering who I am and who he is before and beyond this disease. It means moving toward who we may become as we each heal and grow.

It means I have met some of the most amazing, sensitive, creative, wise, impactful , intuitive, generous and loving people who are on their own journey of recovery. They show me what’s possible and have opened my eyes and heart to the people they are beyond substance use disorder.

It means that I am committed to using the pain, lessons, love, compassion, and growth I have experienced to support others in their recovery, both family members and individuals.

It also means that I will join with other recovery advocates to break the silence and shatter the stigma around substance use disorder and call for love and compassion toward those impacted.
#recoverymonth #recoveryispossible
#familiesrecover

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Disappointing People

8/4/2021

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One thing I love about Glennon Doyle is that she is NOT afraid to address hard things or put radical ideas out there that take our breath away! One that has stayed with me since reading Untamed is this: In a conversation with her middle-school aged daughter, Tish, when Tish was worrying about not choosing to join a club that her brother wanted her to, Glennon sagely advised, “Then don’t.” “But I don’t want to disappoint him.” What followed brings me to tears every time I really take it in. Here’s Glennon to Tish:
“Listen. Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself…Especially me.”

Whew! Woah! Let me catch my breath and let’s look at that. I certainly didn’t have a mother who encouraged me to disappoint anyone, especially her (not that she was openly disappointed with me often, but this was not the rule of the game of life).

I do not read this as a directive to set out to hurt others or to intentionally see how many people you can disappoint. But I do see it as an opportunity to not abandon, sacrifice, or disappoint yourself, which I think we do way too frequently without giving it a second thought. This is an invitation to possibly get really uncomfortable as you find a new way to be in the world.

How often do you set your needs or desires aside because of what someone else needs or wants? How often do you think nothing of disappointing yourself? Honestly...

Last week I wrote about being true to yourself as part of my definition for self-care in A Fresh Take on Self-Care. Being true to ourselves, honoring ourselves, is at the heart of true and deep self-care. It is also key to being in integrity.

And, listen, sometimes when we are true to ourselves, when we make a decision that honors our sweet heart, body, or soul, someone we care about very much might be disappointed. When we say “no” to an invitation or opportunity. When we refuse a request because we just don’t have it in us or it doesn’t feel right at this moment. When we say “yes” to something that conflicts with another’s desire, we will disappoint someone else.

Life is full of choices. Every “yes” is a “no” to something else, and so there are lots of opportunities for disappointing someone!

When you make a choice to leave a job, end a relationship, sell the family home, move far away from all your people, say “no” to helping, etc… someone will likely be sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed.

What happens inside you when you consider disappointing someone you really care about? How does that feel in your body?
What is the story you tell yourself about who you would be if you disappointed another person?

I don’t know about you, but I get a little queasy. I may have a story that this isn’t what a “nice person” or a “good mother/daughter/sister/friend” does. I might try to dance around making that decision. I will surely delay as long as possible. I will consider heavily just giving in or settling for what they want, because it feels easier. It feels familiar. It’s what I’ve done for decades. Far easier to disappoint me – then I only have to deal with myself!

I wish I had had a parent who gave me permission or even implored me to disappoint others in order to avoid hurting my own heart or spirit. I wish I had been that mother for my kids… I wasn’t, but I’m getting there. I feel the strength and freedom in the incredible gift Glennon gave her daughter in this moment. One small conversation with a middle school girl gave her permission to follow her own path, to trust her heart, to honor her joy. Whewie! Let’s have more of that please!

I haven’t yet explicitly shared it with my young adult kids, but I hope to. I want to set them free of needing to be or do anything for me (or anyone) that goes against their spirit.

Your turn to reflect…

~ What is the cost of disappointing yourself to avoid disappointing others?
~ How do you get clear about making a decision that is FOR you even if it seems to be against someone else? What if there’s more to it (because there always is)?
~ How can you take a stand for yourself, have your own back and communicate your message in a way that is clean, clear, and straightforward?
~ What helps you to make these choices, even when they are painfully hard?
~ When have you had to do this and how has it worked out for you? What are the upsides of disappointing others to avoid disappointing yourself?
~ How might you play with this idea? Who might you share it with? Who might you free?

Please share. Please share your reflections and thoughts about this whole idea… it’s a dicey one! And one that feels like a really important game-changer in this thing called life.

Stay tuned for next week’s post with more thoughts about making these tough decisions!

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I Will Not Abandon Myself

7/16/2015

1 Comment

I first heard these words from Renee Trudeau, and they spoke directly to my soul and quickly became one of my guiding mantras from that moment on. No, I will not abandon myself. I will be true to me in all areas of my life. Even when (especially when) it gets hard. These words serve me because they remind me to stand steady on my own ground, even when the earth is shaking around me. Even when other people’s stuff is raining down on me. I invite you to try this out for yourself.

In order to do this we need to realize the choices we have. What am I in charge of? Me. My actions, reactions, and inactions. That’s all I can control. People will do things around me. Events will happen in my world. And, I am always at choice about what I do with those moments. When I forget that I have a choice and react in a way I wish I hadn’t, my choice now becomes how to respond to the mess I might have made.

What does this look like in real life? Here’s how it plays out in the day-to-day

Self-Honoring – The most important component in being true to oneself is taking the time to develop a really good relationship with yourself. Know what you need to be your best self. Know what your standards, values, and boundaries are so that you can create a life that is aligned with them in any moment. Because life is in constant flow, check in regularly on what you’re feeling, thinking, needing, and wanting and see how you can go about addressing those things. Trust your gut and your heart to guide you to what is right for you in any moment.

This is not about being selfish. It’s not about doing anything that would hurt anyone else. At times it could be about making tough decisions that others might not like. That’s ok.

Know what form of true self-care supports you to be your best and make sure you schedule it in to your life. Without a solid foundation here, you won’t be able to give your all to other areas of your life. What is it that nourishes you? What fills you with joy? What makes your heart sing? What calms your systems and grounds you? What restores, rejuvenates, and recharges you to keep on going? What else comes up for you here as you think about self-care?

Relationships – We get to choose who we spend time with and whose energy we allow into our space – in person and online. We get to set boundaries that determine how we will be treated and what we will put up with. Think about the people you spend your time with. Are your relationships adding value to your life or are they taking energy? Are there lines in the sand that need to be drawn with those you are in relationship with?

Do you have friendships that are fulfilling – those where you lift each other up, enjoy each other’s company, truly care about what’s going on in the other’s life, and celebrate together?

Do your business relationships have a mutual respect, collaborative, supportive energy without threat or competition, and are they rewarding to both of you? Are the communities you are involved in supportive, enjoyable, and meaningful to you? It’s worth reassessing these areas from time to time.

Work – As I learned from Laura Berman Fortgang in my Now What?® coaching training, there is more to life than making money or doing what I’m good at or what I’ve always done. What’s important is whether I get to be who I want to be while I’m doing my work.

Find or create a career that fuels you rather than drains you. I do what I do is because it energizes me and because I love to help others find that energy as well.

Far too many people are having the life sucked out of them by toxic environments. I know I don’t ever want to be one of them, and I hope you don’t either. Life is too important and too short. Find a way to do work that lights you up if possible. If not, at least find work that is energy-neutral (not taking more than it’s giving) that will pay the bills while you do things that light you up on the side.

Physical Self – We only get one body in this life so it’s a good idea to take really good care of it. Learn what foods provide true nourishment and sustenance for your body, not just comfort in those stressful moments.

Believe me, I get stress eating and comfort foods, and I’m learning that the stress reduction is short-term and the “comfort” often leaves me feeling more uncomfortable than when I started eating. And sometimes I succumb anyway, forgive myself, and get back on track as quickly as possible. At least the awareness is there now and I recognize the choice I’m making.

What exercise is fun for you? If it’s not fun, it might not be worth the stress it causes you to think you “should” be doing it! So, really, how does your body love to move??

How much sleep do you need to function optimally? Does your body need to get out in the sun, be in nature, breathe fresh air, glide through water, or soak in the starlit night?

This ties back in with self-honoring because it requires a strong self-awareness and a commitment to take care of yourself in the way that works for you. What works for your neighbor or friend may have no connection to what you need.

The opportunity - I invite you to take time to tune in to yourself. Engage in regular dialogue with yourself through meditation or journaling or daydreaming (whatever works for you) to access your inner wisdom. Be still, get quiet, and listen. You’ll be amazed at what comes to you.

What are you being called to? What are you being called away from? Where are you abandoning yourself and how can you make a change? Pay attention and see how things shift when you begin to honor the wise guidance that you have within you!

Try something new and remember that decisions aren’t forever. You can choose again if you want to.

My wish for you… Be true to you. It’s the best way I know to live an authentic, joyful, peaceful, and impactful life.

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What Being in Recovery Means to Me

Disappointing People

I Will Not Abandon Myself

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