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A Fresh Take on Self-Care

7/27/2021

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Self-care is a phrase that’s tossed around everywhere these days and it’s being used in some ways to make people feel like they’re not good enough or like they’re falling short in some area of life.  It’s being used as a way that can people feel more anxious as they track steps or minutes of meditation.  It often feels like one more thing on an already overflowing to-do list or one more expense in a budget stretched thin. 

Self-care is not something we were taught as children and many of us were encouraged to put others’ needs before our own.  And yet, self-care is the foundation for anything else you want to do in life.  If you’re not caring for yourself, it’s unsustainable to go on for long without finding yourself exhausted, depleted, grumpy, resentful, or burnt out.  If you want to contribute to the greater good, you first need to be well resourced and filled up. 

So, what do I mean when I say “self-care?”  What’s my working definition of this idea I have been exploring, practicing, and teaching for the past 8 years? 

For years I have worked with Renee Trudeau’s definition, “Self-care is the art of attuning and responding to your needs and desires, moment by moment.” 

I love this definition because it makes it clear that it’s not something that we come by naturally – it’s something we learn and practice and become better at the more we work at it.  It is an art.  There’s a beauty to it. 

The idea of “attuning and responding” is critical, because lots of times we KNOW what our needs are, but we don’t take the time to respond to them.  We skip meals, over-riding the hunger cues that come and eventually go, to keep on working.  We never go to the bathroom during the day despite an obvious need for that simple relief.  We ignore the need to rest or sleep or the need for a break to refresh the mind…  We know… we know what we need to do differently, and we can do a much better job of responding to what we know.  We can become a trustworthy ally to ourselves when we begin to listen inwardly and respond accordingly. 

“Moment by moment” is also key because it reminds us that self-care isn’t something that only happens at the scheduled appointments or classes. It’s not something we will get to once a week or once a month.  It’s something we can offer ourselves throughout each day, in each moment, when we are tuned in to ourselves. 

For the past 8 years I have worked deeply with self-care.   It’s amazed me how vast the concept is and how my understanding of it has deepened and expanded as I work with it, embody it, bring it into my daily life.  It continues to grow in relevance and meaning.  Mostly I have learned that self-care isn’t so much about what you do as how you are with yourself.  It’s about cultivating a loving commitment to yourself.  It’s about coming home to yourself and having that home be a safe, kind, and welcoming place. 

In simplest terms, here’s what resonates with me at this moment:

 “Self-care: Being true to and gentle with yourself, one moment at a time.”
  ~ Barb Klein


Being true to yourself means honoring yourself, the needs of your body, mind, heart, and spirit, knowing what works for you and what doesn’t (because, let’s face it, not everything is a good fit for everyone), knowing what your boundaries and limits are (moment by moment), and knowing what your capacity is and what’s sustainable for you. 

Being true to yourself means saying “no” when that’s what you mean, even if that might mean disappointing someone else.  Being true to yourself means stepping away when you need some quiet time, even if people might want you around.  Being true to yourself means following teachers who resonate with what feels right inside your heart and gut and not letting yourself get talked into something just because someone says you should.  Being true means trusting your intuition, your inner hunches and knowing and following your sparks of inspiration.  These are just some ways we can be true to ourselves.  It is so freeing the more true we are! 

For example, I have been down on myself about my weight… the “Covid 15” is real in this body.  I was revisiting the idea of trying the South Beach diet again (which I did years ago with some success and subsequent weight gain), eliminating sugar (and maybe a bunch of other stuff) which immediately throws me into a need to chow down on all the things I think I’m not going to eat again – deprivation mode… does not work for me.  It also doesn’t work for me to be beating myself up, calling myself harsh words, or feeling guilty or ashamed for how I look, that my clothes don’t fit any more, or for what I eat.  Enter the idea to “be gentle with yourself.”  I realized that most of the diet tactics I’ve tried don’t work for me and that they all feel pretty aggressive and harsh… I needed to find something that allowed me to be true to myself.

I am so grateful I pulled out the book Eat to Love by Jenna Hollenstein (who, in addition to being an  anti-diet dietitian who helps people struggling with chronic dieting, disordered eating, and body image, was also one of my meditation instructor teachers and someone I trust and respect).  With the support of this book I am taking a much more gentle approach in regards to food, eating, and my body.  Through the book, Jenna is helping me learn to trust my body’s wisdom, tune into its signals for hunger and fullness, as well as respect what and when I want to eat.  I am realizing how conditioned I have been to not trust and honor my own body.  It’s refreshing to begin to love myself in a new way. 

Being gentle with yourself means that we recognize that being harsh or punitive is rarely motivating and that beating ourselves up only wears us down.  Being gentle means treating ourselves with grace and compassion, letting go of the idea of perfection, and offering the same love and care that we would offer to those we love and care about.  When you are gentle with yourself, you have permission to try something and decide you don’t like it.  You can play with things, experimenting to discover what works for you and what doesn’t.  You can adapt your practices to fit the reality of your life day by day rather than holding onto rigid expectations.  You can bring in a lighthearted approach to the way you move through life.

One moment at a time is the best way I’ve found to approach life. When I remember it (key notation!), it allows me to stay in the present, to not get too far ahead of myself in projected stories or ideas of how things are going to turn out.  It allows me to face what’s here and to respond based on what’s true for me in this moment.  It allows me to avoid overwhelm by taking on too much at once. 

We only need to deal with this moment, right here, right now.  That doesn’t mean we don’t think about the future consequences of our choices… but it does mean that we only need to make the choices that are before us now.  It means we can adjust… we can change our minds or our course as needed.  We don’t need to try to take on the next week or year or twenty years all at once.  One moment, one breath, one choice at a time, we treat ourselves with respect and gentle loving care. 

Self-care is an ongoing practice
When we remember that self-care is an ongoing practice…not something you do and check off your list as done or mastered, we can be gentle with ourselves when we forget what we know or when we don’t do what we wish we had.  One moment at a time reminds us that we can choose differently in that next moment.  The number of fresh starts we can take is unlimited.

Your turn: 


What are your thoughts? How do you define self-care?  How are you true to and gentle with yourself? What gets in your way?  Please share!  Let’s learn and grow together. 
 
**Sidenote: If you’re interested in finding out more about being true to your body and trusting its wisdom,  I invite you to check out the book Eat to Love and Jenna’s website.  Also, Glennon Doyle and her sister, Amanda, had a recent episode on “Our Bodies: Why are we at war with them and can we ever make peace? “ on their We Can Do Hard Things podcast which was a refreshing exploration of this topic.  

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Getting Grounded

7/20/2021

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Phew!  It's been a doozy of a week for me - lots of dips into funks, times of abandoning myself, questioning myself, doubting myself, getting down on myself…  for no particular reason that I can pinpoint, which is the worst kind of out of sorts for me!  I like to at least understand what's going on.  

I try to remember that we all have these funks and I've talked to a lot of people who seem to be riding these funk waves with me at this time, but knowing it's to be expected and I'm not alone helps only a little.  Sometimes I am better at being with the discomfort of it, and other times I really just want it to stop… to go away!  

I definitely know that the more I'm able to let things be as they are and not aggressively try to change them, the more quickly it will move on through.  

I also know that when the inner turmoil is stirring it can be really unsettling, and at times we even feel shaken up, not grounded at all.  So, the theme this week is getting grounded.
 

Getting Grounded: 

One of the quickest ways to do this is to simply feel your feet on the floor (or barefeet on the earth if you can), feel your body being held by the seat, bed, or ground, let out a few audible sighs, maybe even imagining the stress or burden sliding right off your shoulders. Notice how your body wants to move. Does your neck want some gentle circles?  Do you want to wiggle or stretch in any way?  Let yourself move until you are just a little more comfortable.  Find yourself in this moment - look around - what do you see? What do you hear?  Who else is nearby?  Are you safe here?  (If not, please find a way to get to a place where you are). 

If you're feeling super agitated, you might want to shake your hands and arms (and maybe even your feet and legs) as if you're shaking off whatever it is that's getting to you.  

Feel your breath - notice its natural rhythm and quality in this moment without trying to change anything.  With each breath invite your belly to soften.  Place your hands on your lap or on your heart or on your belly… feel your own warmth and tender touch - this is a gesture of self-compassion.  Let yourself know that you are here for you.  

Allow yourself a little time to not need to DO anything or to figure anything out, but simply to be here with yourself.  Take the time you need… Connecting with your breath and feeling your body.  Support yourself to get into your body in this moment in time.  If there is any gentle reassurance you want to offer to yourself, please do… things like, “I'm here… we've got this… I love you.  We will get through this.  Shhhh….” can be tried out.  If you find a phrase that softens your body a bit, offer that to yourself - lean into it.  Let the softness come.  

Repeat as often as needed.  I've needed it a lot lately.  After I feel a little more grounded I've found it to be helpful to take note of what's true in this moment by either writing about “In this moment…” simply allowing my pen to move across the page about whatever is here right now for a few minutes or just saying aloud or silently to myself, “OK, in this moment…”  This helps to bring a reality check to this moment, this time, and keeps me from running away with the thoughts that may be carrying me in 900 different directions at once.  Right here. Right now.  Be here now.  (Sometimes I recite this simple phrase to myself with every inhale, exhale, and pause).  

How do you get grounded? I'd love to hear - please share your ideas so that we can add to our available practices!  

I've recorded this guided meditation to support you in getting grounded.  I invite you to give yourself a few minutes and allow yourself this time to settle in to this moment.  


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Our Need for R.E.S.T...

7/13/2021

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Coming back from a couple of days away with my husband, Tom, I am reminded how vital REST is to our spirits, bodies, minds, hearts, and nervous systems.  While we were away our only goals were to rest, relax, have fun, and flow with our days. 

Yesterday I spent the day reading, writing, and relaxing by the pool – dipping in when the sun got too hot, getting in the shade when I needed a break from the sun, and talking and laughing with Tom.  We were lighthearted and delighted by the simplicity of the day.  We did not allow work or phones to interrupt our time.  We consciously chose to take this time together to enjoy life and one another.  Summer is a great and easy time to do this as it seems to lend itself to it – there’s a collective energy of play, vacation, and lightness. 

On our drive home we listened to a podcast with Broadway sensation, Lin-Manuel Miranda, a wildly creative man!  He shared that much of his inspiration for his shows came when he was in a relaxed state – floating in a pool or on vacation.  Of course, there’s much hard work involved in bringing what he creates to life, but there is also an opening for creativity that happens when he is in a state of rest. 

I have experienced this myself and witnessed it in others – it may look like we’re procrastinating or not creating because there isn’t yet anything to show the world.  But, in reality, when we slow down and give ourselves some spaciousness, our mind is free to dream, to imagine, to visualize and we are open to receive bursts of insight, inspiration, and artistry.  Percolation time is a necessary precursor (at least for some of us) for spurts of creativity. 

It struck me that we all have a deep need for rest, for so many reasons.  As a society we are often rest-deprived, placing value on busy-ness and productivity over this restorative space that can feel like nothing is happening.  What we miss is that often, something important is still going on even though there isn’t outer evidence or product to show. When we have time and space, we can access fresh perspectives for problem solving, and our imagination can dream up things that wouldn’t be possible if we forced them.  When our nervous system can relax, we are not in a state of fight or flight, but rather receptivity, wonder, and openness.  We are more likely to respond more thoughtfully than react mindlessly.

I offer you this way to look at REST:
R – Re-boot
E – Exit
S – Space
T – Time

 
Re-boot: Just as your computer or phone can get bogged down or frozen and needs to be powered down and then re-started, we too need periodic re-boots.  Without taking a break, we become overly reactive, spinning (just like that annoying circle on your computer), going nowhere.  Our nerves are frayed, we’re depleted and drained.  We need to interrupt this spinning by stepping back from the habitual pace at which we move and the typical things we mindlessly do.  We need to power down, unplug - choose to give ourselves an intentional break to refresh, rejuvenate, re-fuel, re-energize (so many great R words… I could go on forever, but I’ll spare you! You can add your own).  This allows us to start up again with renewed energy, fresh perspective, a lighter heart.
 
Exit – Like a performer, sometimes we need to “exit stage left” from the center of our lives where all the activity is happening.  Get out of the spotlight, step behind the curtain, take off the costume, mask, and makeup and just BE.  Whether you step away for 3 minutes, 3 days, or 3 weeks, an intentional exit will give you a chance to re-boot.
 
Space – We need space in our lives – physical space, space in our schedule, distance from one another and time between activities.  I was highly aware of this on our drive.  I want several car lengths between me and the car ahead of me; I want to change lanes well before I need to make a turn and in a time when it’s safe to get over. 
 
This tendency transfers to life for me.  I don’t want to be squeezed into a tight space where I have to react without thinking, to feel pushed or rushed.  In traffic or in daily life, these scenarios make me anxious.  It’s easy to fill our schedules so tightly with calls or meetings that there is no room between meetings for a bathroom or meal break or even time to do the actual work. It’s even easier to fill our schedules so that there is no time available for the mini reboots (a quick walk outdoors, a conversation with a friend, a breath of fresh air or a day off), and we begin to feel an internal pressure of constraint and overwhelm. We need breathing room in our days in order to think clearly, be inspired or creative, show up to life’s challenges at the top of our game (or at least closer to it). 
 
Time – We need time… time alone, time to move more slowly, time to breathe, time to connect and time to reflect.  This goes very closely with space, as you can see.  We need to allow ourselves more time than we think we need to get places and finish tasks!! How many of you are overly optimistic when it comes to those kinds of things?  When we give ourselves time, we create the space which allows us to exit or step aside for a moment or more in order to re-boot. 
 
How do you know when you need a REST?
 
What are your signals when it’s time for you to give yourself this critical R.E.S.T.?  How does your body let you know?  Your mind?  Your heart?  Your spirit?  Learn to listen more closely for these internal signals so that you can respond with self-compassion and kindness.  We want to be proactive in creating this time of R.E.S.T so that we don’t find ourselves “resting” with a headache, illness, or injury. 
 
Taking time to re-boot, exit, and allow space and time will have a ripple effect!  Not only do you benefit – the people in your life will thank you too!  Give it a try and please let us know your thoughts and experiences here.  How do you like to give yourself R.E.S.T.?  What happens when you don’t?  What’s your promise to yourself in terms of honoring this need in the next little while?  

In need of a R.E.S.T?  Join me on retreat...  

If you're in need of some serious rest, please consider joining me, Sandra Sabene, and Carol Moon for this year's Let Your Light Shine Retreat, September 24-28th at the deeply restorative space that is Light on the Hill Retreat Center in the gorgeous Finger Lakes of Western NY!  We have created this time to allow you lots of space and time to let down, to connect with your inner wisdom and inspiration, to renew and be deeply nourished physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! Early bird registration closes July 31st!  

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Practice...In Real Life

7/1/2021

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 ​If life has taught me anything, these are a few of the key lessons that apply across the board:
  1. Things don’t always go as planned
  2. My “control” is very limited, and mostly a delusion
  3. Worrying never helps, but that doesn’t stop it from rushing in anyway
  4. Where I place my attention and what I choose to focus on profoundly changes my experience of life. 

​As I write, I am in Austin where I’ve recently finished a powerful and profound writing and meditation retreat led by Susan Piver. Being in Susan’s home with 11 other writers opened me and my heart to the depth of what the next book wants to be.  It was the perfect container and helped me to connect the way my meditation practice has supported me and carried me through some of the hardest times of my life.  It is what has opened my heart and softened me in a way that allows me to bring love and compassion to people and experiences in a way that I don’t think I would have been able to otherwise. 

In 4 days of sharing space, meditating together, and writing in communal silence, my heart blossomed, my tears came. and I felt the complexity of writing about our journey through addiction.  I have stayed with it. I love our particular meditation practice because it is all about being awake in our lives, being able to be with life as it is and not needing to retreat within or push anything away.  It takes courage to face life head-on, especially when what’s here is painful and uncertain. 

Transitioning from retreat back into “ordinary life,” watching retreat dissolve, as Susan so beautifully described it, and returning to my regular pace and ways has been gradual and is right now still incomplete.  I’ve been fortunate to be able to blend my retreat time with family time – to visit with my sister and her family who I haven’t seen in a couple of years (because… COVID…).  It’s been a beautiful blend of together time and solo down time, time to meditate and write… time to sit in their heavenly backyard and drink in the sights and sounds of nature. 

I have been reminded this week of the power of pure and simple moments.  Our meditation practice is so pure in its simplicity… simply sitting with our eyes open, feeling the breath and allowing everything to be here, nothing to push away – sights, sounds, thoughts will all come and go, and when we get distracted to the point of having lost connection with our breath, we simply return and begin again.  I’ve watched emotions rise and fall away, tears well up and wash down my face as insights and openings come through.  I’ve had moments of distracted random thoughts – some inspired and others perfectly mundane.  I’ve followed thoughts that led to pages and pages of handwriting into my next book, and I have witnessed the pauses when I touched on a tough concept or memory.

In the simplicity something that is beyond words happens.  I felt the power of retreat – simply being together in a shared space where we are all in this together creates a palpable and magical force (I say “magical” because I’m never entirely sure what happens, but I feel it every time).  While I can meditate and write on my own, and do on an almost daily basis, coming together to do these things amplifies it all in a lovely way.  Having this community, a set schedule, and shared practice create the container where the magic comes to life as we each get in touch with our own inner wisdom, guidance, insight and as we share our moments of challenge and stuckness as well as our inspired moments of flow. 

Pure and simple moments also included time with my precious little 3 year old great niece showing me her room, cuddling up and saying, “I love our whole family;” playing with my 6 year-old great nephew and his imaginary dog friend, Leo, who has a different attitude every day (thankfully it was a happy attitude the day he jumped on my head!) and watching his eyes light up with delight as he wove ever more intricate details of Leo/Liam’s adventures!  Sharing lunch with my nieces, talking with their husbands, and introducing my sister and brother-in-law to the artistry and charm of Brandi Carlile, the twins, and Josh in their livestreaming campfire concert.  A sweet hug and deep conversation with an old friend; sharing a walk to the local coffee shop to retrieve our mid-day drinks with our retreat group.  Fun “girlfriend time” with my sister. Taking in the serene beauty of the deer, hummingbirds, and the nightly serenade of crickets and frogs.  It’s been a week of precious, simple moments and memories – too many to recount. 

And, the plan was, that yesterday, I would make another big transition – get on a plane and fly back across the country to reunite with my husband.  Amazing how air travel lets us travel thousands of miles in a matter of hours. 

Except… when it doesn’t quite work out.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My flight was at 3:50 and at 11:19 I received a text from Southwest simply stating, “SWA Flight #5269 from AUS is cancelled.  Go to Southwest.com to rebook…”  What!?  I was shocked and confused – it’s not blizzard season! What the heck!?  I tearfully called my husband as the first step in the process to give him a heads-up before I logged on to begin to figure things out. 

As I looked at flight schedules, it became clear that there were no more flights that day, no seats available today, and it would be two full days before I could claim a seat to get back home.  Okay, then… Time to reschedule my PT, haircut, and acupuncture and connect with my client… But first, I’m making that dinner reservation!  Dammit, if I’m going to be here, we are going to eat well!  We hadn’t felt like going out the night before, so let’s make the most of this! 

Talking with my family, I shared a little worry that Friday’s flight might also be cancelled… it’s a holiday weekend, so it could be extra tricky (today’s report of 2+ hour lines to check bags today and 2.2 million travelers planning to fly out of Austin this weekend – the highest in 21 years confirmed that it’s going to be more than tricky!). Yikes!  My niece wisely and calmly looked my way and asked, “What are you going to do with that worry?”  Great question!  I considered it for a moment and said, “Well, right now, I’m going to feel it… and let it be here and move through me” (or something like that – it felt true and she liked my answer!  Bonus!). 

I was shaken and simultaneously aware that I am very lucky to be in a beautiful home with people who love me enough to let me stay on and that this is a very first world problem… AND that I still get to be shaken, saddened, and worried.  Talking with my son and husband helped me to begin to process and adjust to the idea that the freshly stripped bed needed to be re-made, the perfectly packed suitcases (really, I was way more organized than usual) had to be reopened, and I had to/got to settle back in for a couple of bonus days with my family.  My practice allowed me to do all of that relatively automatically. 

Cultivating a heart that can hold it all… this is what it’s about.  Disappointment mixed with the delight of fresh opportunity, sadness mixed with joy and enjoyment, a little concern of being a burden, and acceptance that this is what’s here for me today.  I’m consciously trying to stay in the moment and to be here now even as I notice my thoughts flit ahead to tomorrow… what time should I realistically get to the airport?  What happens if I check my bags and then they cancel my flight?  Will I get home in time to be at my friend’s son’s celebration of life?  Will I get to see my son on Sunday?  Or will I be in Austin and get treated to the local incredible 4th of July fireworks that they say they can see right out the backyard from the heavenly patio that has offered such beauty and peace this week? 

We shall see… For now, in this moment, I am grateful for the extra time, for being in a safe and comfortable place with people I love who can and will share it with me, for a delicious leftover lunch and plans for an uplifting movie date with my sister, and for my awareness that where I place my attention makes a world of difference in my experience of life.  I choose to find the good within this change of plan rather than continuing to be upset or to worry.

Fingers crossed for a smooth airport check-in and ease-ful on-time cross-country travel at the same time I let go of control I don’t have anyway.  If you’d hold that vision with me, I’d appreciate it, and I’ll take it one moment at a time.  It’s really all any of us can do.  This moment is pretty sweet.  

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!!    

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com