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Lessons Learned from My Mom...

11/1/2020

2 Comments

 
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This time of year marks the anniversary of my mom’s passing.  It’s been 17 years now, and I have been reflecting on the life and love I was blessed to share with her while she was here.  I thought it would break me to lose her, and it didn’t.  I still feel her with me, even now.  She lives on in my heart. 

My mother was a beautiful blend of sweetness, gentleness, kindness, shyness, humility, feigned incompetence, and fierce fiery grit.  This woman would helplessly ask me to change her clock time or her lightbulb, but she faced cancer like a warrior woman! 

Here are just a few of the lessons I learned from my dear mother:



Do not collapse when you think you can’t go on – You are stronger than you think!
When my dad left her for another woman after 32 years in an era when a woman’s only job was to devote her entire life and being to her family, she did not collapse.  Facing unwanted independence in her early 50’s, she showed up for herself.  She hadn’t worked since her 20’s, but she launched herself into temp work that ultimately led her to a position in our local library that she held onto into her early 70’s because she loved it so much.

Kindness is the way to go.  Give people the benefit of the doubt. 
When a waitress was particularly gruff, rather than getting upset about how badly we were being treated, Mom brought in gentleness, understanding and compassion… offering “Maybe she just broke up with her boyfriend…”

Don’t bear a grudge – forgive and bring loving compassion to people and situations, even when it doesn’t seem reasonable
After my parents’ divorce, she never spoke unkindly about my dad and encouraged us to be involved with him.  She found a way to forgive, I guess.  I don’t think she had a bitter bone in her body, but rather gave people grace, compassion, and loving kindness. 

Flow with what life brings your way
I always knew I would lose my mother too early in my life – she was 44 when she had me, after all.  I was undoubtedly an accident (ultimately a happy one, I believe) after my parents adopted my oldest brother when it seemed they couldn’t have kids, and subsequently gave birth to 4 more.  It had been 10 years since a baby had been in the home and my sister was deathly ill.  I don’t know how my mom did it, but somehow, she created a loving home for one more.  She opened her arms to a baby, tended to her daughter in the hospital, cared for the others, and pulled it all together – finding a way to clean the house, cook the meals, bake the cookies, and love on us as if we were all that mattered.  She was the epitome of a good mother!

Be free!!  Enjoy this life.
When I was 12, my dad left us, having found a woman who he thought better matched his intellectual and adventurous tendencies.  While devastating in some ways, this also deepened the richness of my life with my mom and our opportunities to live our own adventurous life!  I was the only one at home, so we bonded together and began to travel the world – we ate out more often, we laughed more often, we found things we enjoyed doing together, and we became best friends.  We made it through, and we made it through in style, choosing to live rather than crumple into a defeated puddle.  St. Croix, Disney, Texas, Arizona, and cruises called to us, and we said “Yes!”  Summers were spent at our cottage in the Finger Lakes, playing cards, savoring root beer floats, entertaining friends and family, and basking in the beauty and peace of this place that mom had bought with her own money. 

Don’t be fooled by the soft veneer – underneath a mighty giant lies in wait to awaken when she is called
When Mom was 72, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent treatment involving surgery, radiation, and medication.  Grateful to live nearby I was able to support this modest woman with wound care, meals, home care, and rides.  She went on to beat this cancer and found remission.  She lived life and enjoyed her family, friends, work, music, theater, and travel.  Cancer was not going to stop her. 

Persevere in the face of adversity
6 years later, a new cancer came, likely a result of the medication she had taken for the breast cancer.  She stayed with us post-surgery and my family and I were able to support her through recovery, and the ongoing chemo.  She loved her medical team and even seemed to look forward to her chemo days.  She did all that she could to beat this disease so that she could continue to thrive. 

When the choice is life, choose it!
For nearly three decades she had shown me what it could be like to live life fully, and she wasn’t about to stop now.  She made the decision to leave the home she had lived in for about 20 years to move into a senior living facility in order to have community and support.  Moving is always a big transition, but she handled it with grace and ease.  She enjoyed meeting new people and sharing activities and meals with them.

When it’s time to go, go in your own way. 
On the day before her death, my sister and I (having no idea that the end was so near) visited with her, cleaned her apartment, ironed her clothes and got things in order.  I think this mattered a lot in the sense that things were “tidied up.”  She had hurt herself in a fall over a week before and was in a good deal of pain, food no longer tasted good and that was a big loss for my mom – she loved to enjoy her food!

I don’t even know why, but I asked her if she sometimes wished she could just die, and she acknowledged that yes, she did.  I suspect there was an unspoken permission to go in that conversation.  She told the nurse that night that she wished she could just close her eyes and drift away…  this seems to be exactly what she did.  They found her the next morning, “unconscious and unresponsive.” 

And, though it wasn’t the end I envisioned, because I strongly wanted to be with her by her side as she passed, I realize she would never have wanted that.  She loved us but would not have wanted to distress us with her final breaths.  I find comfort in witnessing how much choice she seemed to have in the timing of her departure – before the cancer that was invading her belly took over and things got really miserable.  She went at the exact age she had always told me “seemed like a good age to die.”  She had lived a full, rich, and loving life, and she was ready to be done.

Love transcends time and space.
I still feel her here with me, breathing through me, inside of me, emanating out, supporting me as I move through my life.  I know she walks with me, loves me, and looks over us all.  I can lean into her soft and gentle embrace (I can still feel how gloriously smooth, warm, and soft her skin was).  I can remember her tender look and feel.  I am softened by her sweetness.  I thought it would kill me to lose her.  It hasn’t.  It has added to my will to live, and I will be forever grateful for that! 

I love you and miss you every day, Mama Bear!!  Thank you for being my mother and my best friend!
​

p.s. a few more lessons that might have supported me and might serve you well:
Baking soothes the soul (as do the smell and taste of fresh-baked bread, cookies, and cake!)!!
There’s always time and room for “a little something” (her version of a shared sweet treat)
Live well, laugh often, love deeply!
Wishing you a little something sweet this week!!  


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Happy Birthday, Ethel!

5/25/2020

6 Comments

 
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It’s Memorial Day.  And, it’s also my mother-in-law’s birthday.  She would have been 95, and our missing her is strong, as she’s only been gone for a couple of months.  This morning I reflected on the life she lived and the tenacity, persistence, strength, and heart it must have taken for her to live it. 

Her husband died in 1965, leaving her with 4 boys to raise (from my husband who wasn’t yet even a year old to his oldest brothers who were both already in college).  She had to learn to find an inner strength in the midst of what I imagine was tremendous grief.   She had to learn to ask for help, which I imagine did not come easily to this fiercely independent woman.  What she didn’t need to do was to find another man to complete her.  She knew she was complete as she was, and nobody was going to tell her how to parent! 

Ethel, I love you, and I honor you, and I am so very grateful for all that you did for us and for our boys.  They love you with all their hearts and will never forget the special relationship you had.  Thank you for being an integral part of our lives.  Thank you for giving birth to Tom and raising him to be such an amazing man, husband, and father.  Ethel, you done good!  Are you kidding me!?  You done great!! You are a hero.

On this day, which happens to also be Memorial Day, as we honor the heroes of this land, I include you.  Against all odds, you raised 4 boys to be independent, strong, wise, loving, caring men who each was able to walk his own path, find his own way, and become who he was born to be. 
But, that wasn’t enough for you, dear lady.  Your heart was so big that you helped the lost ones in school – the kids who no one else was able to help or support; the kids that others thought were a problem.  You showed up for them, loved them, and found a way to teach them.  What’s more is they delighted you with their mischievous ways!!

That wasn’t enough.  Your mission in this life was to help kids, and you wanted to do even more!  So, at the youthful age of 60 you decided to become a foster mother.  Wow!  I know you saved some lives and families with your commitment to loving and supporting them through some tough, tough times.  Thank you.  I honor you. 

Thank you for your service.  Thank you for showing your boys what a strong, independent woman does!  You amaze me, and thank you for unleashing my heart and soul to flourish.  Witnessing you and learning from you has helped me to claim my strength and to find my way.  You broke the mold you were told to live in, and have helped me to do the same! 

Thank you for bringing your fierceness in alongside my mom’s softness and quiet strength.  You have both shown me what it’s like to rise above the adversity of unexpected and deep loss and to find your way in uncharted territory, carving out your own way, living a life that was full and rich and fulfilling.  Each one of you being you.  In your way. 

Yes, the men of our families went to war, and today they will be remembered and honored, and today I also remember and honor the women who carried on at home.  The women who somehow tended to themselves and their families until they could break free to be who they were born to be.  The women who climbed Bald Mountain in their 70’s!!  Today I honor you women who showed me how to live and love deeply and fiercely. Women who showed me that you don’t curl up and die when the going gets tough, but you somehow find a way to keep on going and find the things that bring you joy! 
​
Happy birthday, Ethel! I hope you and Betty have found one another and are having a great picnic party today!! 

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Mom-life Identity Crisis by guest blogger, Dr. Rachel

5/4/2018

0 Comments

 
This post was originally posted on Dr. Rachel's blog at FitMama PDX
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​I have a dirty little secret...
Let me set the scene. This past weekend, I attended a continuing education course on body weight movement and strength training. I left the house bright and early both mornings, returning after 6pm both nights, leaving my husband to hang with our brood (Sierra 14, Jack 10 and Cooper 18 months).


​It’s important to note that this is the longest single stretch that I had been away from Cooper since he was born, and that my husband gets a little flare of anxiety when left alone too long with what can only be described as an intensely energetic range of kiddos.

So, what’s the big secret?
  • I could feel the guilt mounting in the days leading up to the weekend. Should I take the time for myself? Should I see if I could bring the kids for some of the action so that the husband could get a break? Was I being selfish...all self-imposed guilt I might add.

And, here’s the part I really wasn't expecting.
  • When I rolled up at the end of my first day, exhausted and sweaty, I was shocked by my reaction. The day had been wonderful (for my family), filled with park time, successful nap time, and lots of ease. The house was even cleaner than I had left it that morning. So, why did I feel so damn sad?  Instead of seeing this as a victory for all, I suddenly felt a panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was no longer needed...my mom-life identity was being threatened.​

Who was I if not the person who could run the house smoothly, anticipate needs before they were stated, and soothe a grumpy toddler?

We’ve all heard the term empty nest syndrome, but what about full nest syndrome?

All my kids are still under one roof, needy as ever, and I have longed for more free time to work on my business, health, life...But, once I had successfully taken this time, I found myself unable to appreciate the foundation of safety and security that we’ve established as a family.

The capable, awesome humans who can thrive without my constant presence hasn’t filled me with pride. It has instead left me with a huge feeling of emptiness. 

WTF?

Here’s what happened next. I let my younger self surface, throw a mini-temper tantrum (for my husband’s eyes only), made a few ridiculous comments about how I should just plan to go away every weekend, or move to Canada, cried a little, had a restless night of sleep, had my ah-ha moment and then started to get REALLY EXCITED.

Why I am subjecting you to this story? Because, that’s how it goes with a mom-life crisis. We have these opportunities to find our ah-ha moments no matter where we are on the journey. There will come a time when you will be confronted by your own identity. The Daughter, Mom, Wife, Lover, Entrepreneur...

We use these titles to help describe the people we are in the world, but they are not WHO WE ARE. This past weekend I thought I was a physician learning safe and effective movement strategies to enhance strength and mobility by day, and a mother and wife by night. But, after sitting in the uncomfortable muck of emotion that surfaced, and toning down my ego, I realized that I am a strong, capable woman who works hard every day to show up with integrity, who has the power to give life, kiss scraped knees, laugh, love and cry all in one day.

Take a step back and think about all the hats you wear, your different identities. Now think about the person underneath all of that, the one who had the will, stamina and fortitude to get you where you are today. That is who you are. That is the person who gets hidden, or lost when we start to pin ourselves to a single word.

It's about balancing the person you are with all the hats that you wear, and never being afraid to ask for help in accomplishing your goals. That means being willing to ask your community for what you really need, and being willing to invest resources into your own health and well-being - not spending everything you have on your kids and leaving yourself high and dry!

If you can relate to the idea of having a mom-life crisis, or you’ve ever found yourself floundering between what you think you should do, and what you know you want, I invite you to take a look at my One Page Wellness Consult over here. It’s my way of helping you find your footing. By taking simple, effective and efficient steps towards your health goals you become just a little more YOU.

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
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