Inspired Possibility Blog

Boundaries... Tough, and So Critical!

6/16/2022

Recently I’ve become really aware of my accumulated depletion from years of hyper-vigilance, and over-giving. Certainly, this has been me for the few decades, since the time I was pregnant with my oldest son.

Most likely it’s been me my whole life. Even as a pretty young child, there was care-giving I had to do. Always on alert, always doing what I could, working hard to make sure my people are safe, the household runs decently enough, friends are ok, clients well-cared for… carrying a lot of people and their needs in my head and heart. No doubt the stresses of our time is also weighing heavily on me.

It’s like the fish in water who doesn’t know they’re swimming in water – I didn’t know or couldn’t see what I’ve been swimming in. I have so many wonderful grounding practices, that mostly I do pretty well. I thought I was ok. And, overall, I really AM OK! I share all of this only to lay the background, not for anyone to worry about me – really.

At the same time, it’s catching up with me, so I’m finding I need more space, more time, more quiet, more slowing down, more breathing room in order to return my nervous system to calm. It’s not as calm as I’ve thought it was as often as I’ve thought it was. And, so, enter the need for boundaries. Boundaries do not come easily or naturally to me, but I’ve learned how vital they are to one’s well-being.

Enter boundaries

Enter the need for boundaries. Boundaries do not come easily or naturally to me, but I’ve learned how vital they are to one’s well-being. I resonate with Brené Brown’s definition of boundaries as “what’s ok and what’s not ok.” When we can be clear about this and communicate it to others, we actually strengthen relationship and clarify roles.

Boundaries allow me to stay connected. They help me to preserve my energy and well-being. Without boundaries, I might need to pull away completely, shut down all together, and go into isolation, making connection impossible.

Boundaries bring me into integrity with what is true for me and allow me to honor what I really have to give. Without boundaries, I can easily over-give, over-extend, and burn myself out… That serves no one. Without boundaries I show up, but I am later exhausted or resentful… That gets in the way of relationship.

Boundaries allow you to trust me. You can count on me to say “yes” when I am available and “no” when I am not. You no longer have to worry or wonder about taking care of me. You can trust that I am taking care of myself. Please know that even if I say “no” or “not now,” I still care. I care enough to not give to you when I am not able to.I hope you understand, and I don’t need you to understand.

This isn’t about you. It’s about integrity, truth, and honoring. When I hold a boundary, I honor both you and me… even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.

Of course I want people to like me (don't we all?), but I am no longer willing to let that override my love for myself. For too many years I put others first and abandoned myself on a regular basis. This is not sustainable, healthy, or good for either one of us.

With boundaries, we can develop a strong and healthy relationship. I trust you to have other resources and to find your way even when I am not available. I believe in you which is why I don’t have to turn my world upside down to save you. I honor your wisdom, power, and ability to tap into whatever you need to get you through this moment. I know your well-being does not depend on me.

Please understand, I also know how hard it is when someone isn’t available for me when I really feel a need for connection and support. This makes it hard for me to say no when I feel that need coming from you.

And at the same time, I love, respect, and honor those who are able to say no to me even when I say “I could really use a friend…“ This happened once with one of my oldest and dearest friends. It stung in the moment. It was also painful for her, but she felt the truth of having nothing to give. And, it taught me an invaluable lesson and modeled for me what’s possible.

Somehow, she knew that I would be OK even though I felt like I was falling apart in that moment. She knew that even if I didn’t find anyone else to talk to, I was able to be with myself and make it through the deeply painful and awful time.

Here I am…so, clearly, I did. I will never forget that moment. Not because of the pain I felt or because I was angry with my friend, but because she taught me that it is OK to be honest with yourself and with other people, even people you love deeply. It is ok to say, “I don’t have it in me to give you what you need. I don’t have the bandwidth.” Or, simply “No. I’m not available.”

And so, when I am not available, I trust you. I remember that I am not God or 911 and so I can’t expect myself to be the one to save you.

Will I be there when I can? Absolutely! Will I give of myself generously when I’m filled up? Without a doubt. It’s who I am. And yet, in this moment my own health and vitality depends on me saying yes to me. Not splitting myself in two trying to honor me and others. I must begin here, with this vessel, this heart, this being that needs my devotion and care.

Boundaries are an Act of Radical Self-Care

Boundaries are an act of radical self-care. They take courage and awareness to set. They require us to be quiet enough to hear the inner wisdom that guides us.

Boundaries can feel awkward, clumsy, and imperfect as we begin to express them to others. We may worry how they are received until we learn to let go of that worry and begin to trust instead. If a relationship is based on over-giving, is this a relationship worth continuing? The relationships I want are with people who will understand and respect my right to take care of myself.

I’ve got a long and complicated relationship with boundaries. In the past I didn’t know what they were and had a hard time setting them or knowing what they should be.

Boundaries are particularly important when you are in a care-giving role, personally or professionally. If you’re someone people look to and lean into, they will naturally want your support, advice, wisdom, calm, or listening. We owe it to ourselves (and to them) to be honest about our availability and our limits.

Boundaries are about Respect – for Me and for You

Without respect for yourself, it’s nearly impossible to have or honor boundaries. They help me to trust myself and to know that I have my own back. To know that I will listen when I feel a reaction in my body that tells me yes or no, now, later, or, in fact, never.

Boundaries let you and I know what I can do and what I can’t do. More accurately, what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. I have proven over the decades that I am more than capable of pushing through and doing more than is reasonable.

After 58 years on this planet, I am no longer willing to live that way. I love and care about so many people. I am pulled in so many directions. I have so much and so many people and things weighing on my mind at any given moment. I take these things on without even being asked. It’s up to me to free myself.

It’s up to me to respect and love myself enough to take the risk to take a stand. It’s up to me to draw a line in the sand and then to dance with that line moment to moment. It’s up to me to learn how to ask the wise questions of myself, to give myself a pause, in order to hear my inner guidance and wisdom. It’s up to me to take care of myself and not expect you to be able to read my mind.

Boundaries are about Compassion

If we are friends or family, I need to trust you and to trust our relationship - to know we will find our way through even when I say no or not now or I won’t. Boundaries empower everyone. They liberate us. They do not have to be harsh. In fact, honest boundaries allow for compassionate, honest conversation and communication.

In this short (and very worth your time to watch) video about boundaries, Brené Brown shares her shock at learning that the most compassionate people she interviewed were also the most boundaried!

Boundaries allow me to honor my heart, soul, and energy. Boundaries are about respect, trust, and integrity. They do not come easily or naturally, and I may forever be on a quest to learn how to do them better. I’m willing to learn because so much depends upon it.

Because I know that my energy, time, and resources are limited, as are my days, I want to love open-heartedly and live as beautifully as possible. With that in mind, boundaries are going to be critical or it’s going to get ugly.

Your Turn

What’s your experience with boundaries?
When and why do you need them?
Are you comfortable setting them?
How does it feel when someone holds one with you?
Have you found a kind and compassionate way to communicate them?
Do they feel important to you?
Are you able and willing to flex with them as circumstances change?

Please share with us! We can learn so much from your insights and experiences!

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Obsession, Overwhelm, and Opening

4/18/2022

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Obsession
Ah, yes, Obsession – From Oxford Languages: ob·ses·sion – the state of being obsessed with someone or something. "she cared for him with a devotion bordering on obsession"
- an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.

Waking this Saturday morning with the awareness of my own obsession. Noticing how even something you’re passionate about can become too much. Can lead to overwhelm. Recognizing that when you work in a field that’s linked to a deep personal and ongoing experience, there often is no break.

I live and breathe addiction and recovery. I immerse myself in learning more, joining groups where I read and comment on people’s confusion, fear, anger, and loss. Not a day goes by where at least one parent shares the loss of their child. Every day is full of posts of people saying they can’t take it anymore, asking for advice from strangers who don’t know their family, but who are more than willing to chime in. I extract myself from groups that perpetuate messages that I find harmful and unhelpful. I stay in those that spread fresh ideas, compassion, and hope, but even those spaces can be too much.

Many of the books spread around my home relate to the topic, reflecting my ever-present desire to learn and grow, to be the best mom, the best coach, and best support person I can be. I want to know all there is to know in an unknowable field. As I glance around and see the titles, I feel the weight. It seems somehow the more I learn, the more inadequate I feel.

Working for myself from home also contributes to this sense of overwhelm. There’s never a distinct separation between work and home – no physical distance, especially in such a small space. No clear ending time unless there are other plans. It’s too easy for work thoughts, topics, programs, and conversations to seep into my “off hours.”

Overwhelm
o·ver·whelm – verb - bury or drown beneath a huge mass.
Similar: swamp, submerge, engulf, bury, deluge, flood, inundate, clog, overload, overburden, bring someone to their knees
give too much of a thing to (someone); inundate.
"they were overwhelmed by farewell messages"

Phew, ok! Thanks, Oxford Languages for that clarity… yes, today, I feel the overwhelm brought on by my (very devoted and very well-meaning) obsession. I feel a need to unbury myself, to emerge from the swamp, to unclog and unload the weight I’ve been carrying. I have the ability to shut out the deluge of information and input. I get to choose how I spend my time, where I devote my energy, what I read and listen to, and to pace myself in a way that feels sustainable and onward-leading.

Before I am brought to my knees, let me remember that I have the choice for how I spend my time, where I put my attention, and who and what I allow into the sacred spaces of my heart and mind.

Opening

And, so my question for today’s #AtoZChallenge is: How can I create some space to nourish, nurture, and replenish myself? Not just immediately, but on a more regular basis. But, I’ll begin with today, this moment, because that’s what’s here. Then I’m sure that will inform my consciousness about life overall.

I need a break – a break that has nothing to do with travel or vacation; I have had plenty of that recently. I need a break in my own head, heart, and home, so I am giving myself a two-day break this weekend (after this piece is written).

Before I even wrote my morning pages, I deleted Facebook and Instagram from my phone for these days in order to resist the temptation to mindlessly grab, scroll, and get hooked in for an hour or more without even noticing. I immediately felt lighter. I know I might find myself checking the weather app more than usual, but that’s ok. It won’t hook me for too long!

I put my phone on Do Not Disturb, allowing only calls and messages from immediate family and close friends to come through. I need some breathing room. I’ve been way too cranky lately, on edge, unsettled… feel like I’m caving in on myself.

Thankfully some spark of inspiration showed me the way out! Thankfully, I remember that I’m in charge of my schedule and my environment.

I will choose to spend time doing things that uplift and inspire me. I will choose time with people I enjoy, doing things that are fun and unrelated to work. If I read, it will be a novel. If I listen, it will be to dance or sing or be inspired. If I watch, it will be to laugh or to cry, but it will be for pleasure (yes, I do love a good cry).

I will bake, I think. It’s a grey rainy, almost snowy day here, and so filling our home with warmth and good smells of cookies or corn bread sounds wonderful. We will cook a nice meal to enjoy with our son. I will change the tablecloth from fall colors to butterflies – that alone lightens up the space. I will clear the counter of its excess. Why do horizontal surfaces so quickly and easily get cluttered? Why are they so inviting for all the things I can’t immediately decide what to do with?

I will also work with my husband to continue cleaning and clearing space. We both feel the Springtime desire to purge. We need more room to breathe. There is simply too much stuff in this space. Sometimes I enjoy going through my wardrobe, dresser, and drawers to find what is ready to leave us. Something that will delight someone else, and choosing to let it go. That energy is alive within me this season, so I want to lean into it and let it support me in making the tough choices to release and let go.

I will devote time for practices that nurture my soul. Meditation has somehow slipped to the wayside too often lately. Tai Chi too. Yoga far too seldom. I need to flood myself with these things that calm my nervous system, that soothe my soul, that relax and restore me. Instead of 20 minutes doom scrolling, don’t you think I’ll feel better if I come into gentle presence with myself? I do!

So, how about you? Where do you feel overwhelm? Any obsessions that are getting more of your time and energy than they deserve? How might you create a little spaciousness in your heart, mind, and home? What is opening for you?

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Our Need for R.E.S.T...

7/13/2021

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Coming back from a couple of days away with my husband, Tom, I am reminded how vital REST is to our spirits, bodies, minds, hearts, and nervous systems. While we were away our only goals were to rest, relax, have fun, and flow with our days.

Yesterday I spent the day reading, writing, and relaxing by the pool – dipping in when the sun got too hot, getting in the shade when I needed a break from the sun, and talking and laughing with Tom. We were lighthearted and delighted by the simplicity of the day. We did not allow work or phones to interrupt our time. We consciously chose to take this time together to enjoy life and one another. Summer is a great and easy time to do this as it seems to lend itself to it – there’s a collective energy of play, vacation, and lightness.

On our drive home we listened to a podcast with Broadway sensation, Lin-Manuel Miranda, a wildly creative man! He shared that much of his inspiration for his shows came when he was in a relaxed state – floating in a pool or on vacation. Of course, there’s much hard work involved in bringing what he creates to life, but there is also an opening for creativity that happens when he is in a state of rest.

I have experienced this myself and witnessed it in others – it may look like we’re procrastinating or not creating because there isn’t yet anything to show the world. But, in reality, when we slow down and give ourselves some spaciousness, our mind is free to dream, to imagine, to visualize and we are open to receive bursts of insight, inspiration, and artistry. Percolation time is a necessary precursor (at least for some of us) for spurts of creativity.

It struck me that we all have a deep need for rest, for so many reasons. As a society we are often rest-deprived, placing value on busy-ness and productivity over this restorative space that can feel like nothing is happening. What we miss is that often, something important is still going on even though there isn’t outer evidence or product to show. When we have time and space, we can access fresh perspectives for problem solving, and our imagination can dream up things that wouldn’t be possible if we forced them. When our nervous system can relax, we are not in a state of fight or flight, but rather receptivity, wonder, and openness. We are more likely to respond more thoughtfully than react mindlessly.

I offer you this way to look at REST:
R – Re-boot
E – Exit
S – Space
T – Time

Re-boot: Just as your computer or phone can get bogged down or frozen and needs to be powered down and then re-started, we too need periodic re-boots. Without taking a break, we become overly reactive, spinning (just like that annoying circle on your computer), going nowhere. Our nerves are frayed, we’re depleted and drained. We need to interrupt this spinning by stepping back from the habitual pace at which we move and the typical things we mindlessly do. We need to power down, unplug - choose to give ourselves an intentional break to refresh, rejuvenate, re-fuel, re-energize (so many great R words… I could go on forever, but I’ll spare you! You can add your own). This allows us to start up again with renewed energy, fresh perspective, a lighter heart.

Exit – Like a performer, sometimes we need to “exit stage left” from the center of our lives where all the activity is happening. Get out of the spotlight, step behind the curtain, take off the costume, mask, and makeup and just BE. Whether you step away for 3 minutes, 3 days, or 3 weeks, an intentional exit will give you a chance to re-boot.

Space – We need space in our lives – physical space, space in our schedule, distance from one another and time between activities. I was highly aware of this on our drive. I want several car lengths between me and the car ahead of me; I want to change lanes well before I need to make a turn and in a time when it’s safe to get over.

This tendency transfers to life for me. I don’t want to be squeezed into a tight space where I have to react without thinking, to feel pushed or rushed. In traffic or in daily life, these scenarios make me anxious. It’s easy to fill our schedules so tightly with calls or meetings that there is no room between meetings for a bathroom or meal break or even time to do the actual work. It’s even easier to fill our schedules so that there is no time available for the mini reboots (a quick walk outdoors, a conversation with a friend, a breath of fresh air or a day off), and we begin to feel an internal pressure of constraint and overwhelm. We need breathing room in our days in order to think clearly, be inspired or creative, show up to life’s challenges at the top of our game (or at least closer to it).

Time – We need time… time alone, time to move more slowly, time to breathe, time to connect and time to reflect. This goes very closely with space, as you can see. We need to allow ourselves more time than we think we need to get places and finish tasks!! How many of you are overly optimistic when it comes to those kinds of things? When we give ourselves time, we create the space which allows us to exit or step aside for a moment or more in order to re-boot.

How do you know when you need a REST?

What are your signals when it’s time for you to give yourself this critical R.E.S.T.? How does your body let you know? Your mind? Your heart? Your spirit? Learn to listen more closely for these internal signals so that you can respond with self-compassion and kindness. We want to be proactive in creating this time of R.E.S.T so that we don’t find ourselves “resting” with a headache, illness, or injury.

Taking time to re-boot, exit, and allow space and time will have a ripple effect! Not only do you benefit – the people in your life will thank you too! Give it a try and please let us know your thoughts and experiences here. How do you like to give yourself R.E.S.T.? What happens when you don’t? What’s your promise to yourself in terms of honoring this need in the next little while?

In need of a R.E.S.T? Join me on retreat...

If you're in need of some serious rest, please consider joining me, Sandra Sabene, and Carol Moon for this year's Let Your Light Shine Retreat, September 24-28th at the deeply restorative space that is Light on the Hill Retreat Center in the gorgeous Finger Lakes of Western NY! We have created this time to allow you lots of space and time to let down, to connect with your inner wisdom and inspiration, to renew and be deeply nourished physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! Early bird registration closes July 31st!

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3 Reasons to Retreat

6/10/2018

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There was a day when I didn't know about retreats and how powerful they are and what a critical piece of my well-being they would become I imagine there are others out there who also wonder... who haven't yet discovered the magic of retreat. So, I'd like to share with you just a few great reasons to give yourself the gift of retreat, for however long you may take or in whatever form! What are some of the benefits and why would anyone make the investment of time and energy to retreat for a bit?

1. Get out of routine - there's great value in simply breaking the pattern of everyday life - of taking yourself out of your usual habits and routines. By changing things up, we tap into wonder and curiosity about life. We begin to open to new ideas, insights, and creativity. We open our eyes to new perspectives. We see new possibility that we hadn't considered before. We lighten up, let go, and even have fun!! When you break away from the daily routine, there is nothing to fix or figure out. Your mind can truly rest. Aaahhhh... to me, that alone is worth the price of admission!

2. Slow down - We live in a world where go, go, go, is the norm. Demands are coming fast and furious and we find ourselves pulled in so many directions with no relief in sight. Our pace is unsustainable and our to-do list never-ending. But, we don't know how to stop sometimes. This pace is taking a toll on our health and well-being. When we slow down, we calm our mind and soothe the nervous system. Then we notice the beauty of nature, our own body, people in our world. We have to step off the hamster wheel to be with these sweeter things.

3. Quiet the outer noise - Oh my goodness! There is so much coming at us all the time - news, ads, social media, political banter... it's an endless onslaught of noise, opinions, and provocations. You've noticed that, right? Just taking a media break for a brief period of time is super healing and restorative. Imagine room to breathe without your phone constantly pinging in your ear. Step away and feel the sigh of relief and the sense of peace. In this space we begin to listen to our hearts and souls and hear our own inner guidance.

We don't need more intensity - the world brings plenty of that. We don't need more things to do - we have more activities than we can keep up with already. Retreat is designed to be restorative and nourishing.

Why do you retreat? Please join the conversation in the comments and let us know! Together we grow and learn!

Does retreat sound good to you? If you like this sound of this and would love to join a circle of like-minded women who are ready for a little of this retreat sweetness, join us in the beautiful Poconos at the Himalayan Institute for Coming Home to Yourself: A Women's Renewal Retreat August 10-12.

At my retreats, everything is an invitation. You are free to rest as needed. Explore the 400 gorgeous acres as you commune with nature or give your body some movement among the trees and hills if that's your thing. Gather in our circle around the campfire. Check out a yoga class or meditation session. And, rest into a world of no expectation.

I hold our retreat space as safe and sacred - in this space you need only show up for yourself. You are free to participate in the way that's comfortable for you and you are free to share and listen knowing that this is a zone where these is no advising, no figuring out what anyone else "should" do, and no worry that anyone is going to tell you what you should do. This is a place and space to deepen your connection with yourself and to learn to honor yourself more deeply than ever before.

Questions? Let me know! Know someone who would love this? Please share this with them! And, if you're ready to jump onboard, you can register here!

"A women's retreat springs from and is about stepping out of your ordinary existence to listen and attune to your truest, most authentic self... It is setting apart time to tend the hearth of your inner life, feed your muse, reclaim your dreams." ~ Jennifer Louden, The Women's Retreat Book

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There’s Never Been a Better Time for Self-Care

2/9/2017

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There’s never been a better time to take really good care of yourself than now. And, while I think that statement is always true, I think it’s particularly true now. We are living in a time of so much uncertainty and so much disruption. No matter your political views or your level of engagement in activism, it would be hard to be immune from feeling the effects of the energy swirling in the US and across the globe these days.

Now is the perfect time to come home to yourself – back to your own heart, back to your own wisdom, back to your own strength. It’s time to be well-resourced so that you have energy for your creativity, your contribution, and your presence in the world. You must be well-resourced in order to show up to the people and things in your life that matter most. You can’t really fully be there for your loved ones, your clients, or your work if you’re not well-cared for. And, you must be well-resourced for yourself – so that you stay healthy and strong to live the full life you’re here to live.

Self-care doesn’t have to be big or grand, and we certainly don’t want it to become one more thing on an already overwhelming to-do list! No! That’s not what I’m talking about when I talk about self-care. I’m talking about what my mentor, Renee Trudeau, defines self-care as: “the art of attuning and responding to your needs and desires, moment to moment.” This is an in the moment thing, my friends! It is a practice, an art that develops over time. And, it doesn’t have to be hard or take a lot of time.

I’ve been thinking about mini moments of self-care, because most of us don’t have an ounce of extra energy, and we can’t imagine finding more time in a typical day. So, what might be a mini moment that would help rejuvenate, restore, and nourish you? Here are some ideas to get you started:

Breath - take a few minutes to connect with your breath – closing your eyes to shut out distractions if you can, maybe putting a hand on your heart and another on your belly, and just notice. Where does your breath come in? Where do you feel its movement most clearly? Is it deep or shallow? smooth or jagged? Just be with it and notice if it slows or deepens as you stay with it… eventually you might want to invite the exhale to be just a little longer than the inhale, getting rid of that stale air as you bring in fresh.

Music – put on a song that lifts you up, energizes, soothes or inspires you (what is it you need right now?) and dance and sing along… let your body and voice move as a way to get your own energy moving and as a way to find some joy or comfort!

Rest – lying down and letting your body be horizontal, even for a few minutes is soothing to your nervous system. It does not have to be a full-blown nap. But, if you have 20 minutes, close your eyes, drift away, and take it!

   Fresh Air! – get outside to be in nature even if only for a few moments – take a breath of that fresh air into your lungs and find refreshment. If you can go for a walk, whether it be around the city block or in the woods, notice and connect with the nature around you – trees, birds, breeze, snow, sunshine… there is something enlivening about being with nature.

  Journaling – take a few minutes to do a short journaling. This could be simply to brain dump whatever’s on your mind and in your heart or you could do an exploration into deeper connection with yourself, asking and answering a question like “What is it that I most desire right now?” or looking at a bigger one like, “The life I envision is…” It’s amazing the wisdom that rises up when we give ourselves a few minutes to write without thinking or stopping.

  Create – get out some watercolors and paint away – see what wants to be expressed today; knit; craft with clay; make a collage; color or draw a mandala – all of these things are great ways to tap the creative part of our brain and get out of the thinking mind, which may really need a rest.

  Connect – connect with other people in person or by phone so that you can be seen and heard and have a chance to share laughter and struggle with someone else. Knowing we are not alone is really powerful. It can be really tempting to isolate when we’re feeling overwhelmed or down, so sometimes this one takes a conscious effort. The rewards are well worth it.

  Sprinkle in some JOY! – have something to look forward to each and every day that makes you happy, makes you laugh, warms your heart, or just brings in a gentle sense of contentment… there’s room for it every day, even in the darkest of times.

What ideas do you have? I’d love to hear yours in the comments below – we are each other’s teachers!

Self-care definitely needs to come in mini moments over and over again throughout the day. There are also times when it’s great to take a longer period of time to really fill up your own well if you can. Give yourself a half day or full day to simply listen to your heart and gut – what is it that would be nourishing, joyful, or healing for you today? Be willing to be surprised and be willing to change your “plan” if you start something and find out it isn’t filling you up as you had hoped. This isn’t about making plans or commitments – it’s about learning to listen to your own guidance and being gentle with yourself as it comes.

If you’d like a longer stint of self-care immersion, take a weekend or week-long retreat – alone or with a group. Retreats give you a chance to turn off the phone and computer, to step away from daily demands, and to create space for you – to go within and see what really needs your attention right now. Retreats are a time for your mind to relax, your body to rest, and all of you to slow down.

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I Will Not Abandon Myself

7/16/2015

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I first heard these words from Renee Trudeau, and they spoke directly to my soul and quickly became one of my guiding mantras from that moment on. No, I will not abandon myself. I will be true to me in all areas of my life. Even when (especially when) it gets hard. These words serve me because they remind me to stand steady on my own ground, even when the earth is shaking around me. Even when other people’s stuff is raining down on me. I invite you to try this out for yourself.

In order to do this we need to realize the choices we have. What am I in charge of? Me. My actions, reactions, and inactions. That’s all I can control. People will do things around me. Events will happen in my world. And, I am always at choice about what I do with those moments. When I forget that I have a choice and react in a way I wish I hadn’t, my choice now becomes how to respond to the mess I might have made.

What does this look like in real life? Here’s how it plays out in the day-to-day

Self-Honoring – The most important component in being true to oneself is taking the time to develop a really good relationship with yourself. Know what you need to be your best self. Know what your standards, values, and boundaries are so that you can create a life that is aligned with them in any moment. Because life is in constant flow, check in regularly on what you’re feeling, thinking, needing, and wanting and see how you can go about addressing those things. Trust your gut and your heart to guide you to what is right for you in any moment.

This is not about being selfish. It’s not about doing anything that would hurt anyone else. At times it could be about making tough decisions that others might not like. That’s ok.

Know what form of true self-care supports you to be your best and make sure you schedule it in to your life. Without a solid foundation here, you won’t be able to give your all to other areas of your life. What is it that nourishes you? What fills you with joy? What makes your heart sing? What calms your systems and grounds you? What restores, rejuvenates, and recharges you to keep on going? What else comes up for you here as you think about self-care?

Relationships – We get to choose who we spend time with and whose energy we allow into our space – in person and online. We get to set boundaries that determine how we will be treated and what we will put up with. Think about the people you spend your time with. Are your relationships adding value to your life or are they taking energy? Are there lines in the sand that need to be drawn with those you are in relationship with?

Do you have friendships that are fulfilling – those where you lift each other up, enjoy each other’s company, truly care about what’s going on in the other’s life, and celebrate together?

Do your business relationships have a mutual respect, collaborative, supportive energy without threat or competition, and are they rewarding to both of you? Are the communities you are involved in supportive, enjoyable, and meaningful to you? It’s worth reassessing these areas from time to time.

Work – As I learned from Laura Berman Fortgang in my Now What?® coaching training, there is more to life than making money or doing what I’m good at or what I’ve always done. What’s important is whether I get to be who I want to be while I’m doing my work.

Find or create a career that fuels you rather than drains you. I do what I do is because it energizes me and because I love to help others find that energy as well.

Far too many people are having the life sucked out of them by toxic environments. I know I don’t ever want to be one of them, and I hope you don’t either. Life is too important and too short. Find a way to do work that lights you up if possible. If not, at least find work that is energy-neutral (not taking more than it’s giving) that will pay the bills while you do things that light you up on the side.

Physical Self – We only get one body in this life so it’s a good idea to take really good care of it. Learn what foods provide true nourishment and sustenance for your body, not just comfort in those stressful moments.

Believe me, I get stress eating and comfort foods, and I’m learning that the stress reduction is short-term and the “comfort” often leaves me feeling more uncomfortable than when I started eating. And sometimes I succumb anyway, forgive myself, and get back on track as quickly as possible. At least the awareness is there now and I recognize the choice I’m making.

What exercise is fun for you? If it’s not fun, it might not be worth the stress it causes you to think you “should” be doing it! So, really, how does your body love to move??

How much sleep do you need to function optimally? Does your body need to get out in the sun, be in nature, breathe fresh air, glide through water, or soak in the starlit night?

This ties back in with self-honoring because it requires a strong self-awareness and a commitment to take care of yourself in the way that works for you. What works for your neighbor or friend may have no connection to what you need.

The opportunity - I invite you to take time to tune in to yourself. Engage in regular dialogue with yourself through meditation or journaling or daydreaming (whatever works for you) to access your inner wisdom. Be still, get quiet, and listen. You’ll be amazed at what comes to you.

What are you being called to? What are you being called away from? Where are you abandoning yourself and how can you make a change? Pay attention and see how things shift when you begin to honor the wise guidance that you have within you!

Try something new and remember that decisions aren’t forever. You can choose again if you want to.

My wish for you… Be true to you. It’s the best way I know to live an authentic, joyful, peaceful, and impactful life.

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Disconnect to Connect: The Power of Retreat

4/13/2015

In The Woman’s Retreat Book, Jennifer Louden states, “retreats are essential – to our minds, bodies, spirits.” I couldn’t agree more. She goes on to quote Rabbi David Cooper from Silence, Simplicity, and Solitude as saying “The soul yearns to be nourished, and if the reservoir begins to run low, we feel ourselves becoming dull, empty, brittle, and arid. If it sinks lower, we enter into states of angst, despair, and depression.” Harsh truths, and yet they are truths I have found through my own experience with retreat.

We live in a very busy world in a very busy time, and the tendency is to go and push until we burn out. We are caregivers and often forget to give gentle care to ourselves. A retreat offers us a chance to nurture and nourish ourselves. To rejuvenate and renew. This is part of our growth cycle, and as we strive to be more and do more, always growing and expanding, ever busy, it is critical that we allow for this down time to restore ourselves. Just as plants have a period of rest, so our physical bodies need rest in order to blossom into our fullest beauty, strong and vital.

Our minds also need a rest. In the space of a quiet mind we are able to tap into our heart center and hear the deeper messages of our heart and spirit. In this place we can listen to inspiration that is beyond what the mind can “figure out” in its usual state of busy-ness. The deep wisdom of our spirit can speak to us when we slow down and take the time to tune in.

When I am on retreat I find a deeper sense of alignment with myself and my purpose. I gain inspiration in the form of new ideas, deep insight, and fresh energy. I have a restorative sense of peace and a calmer, more balanced state of mind. All of this allows me to handle what life throws at me more smoothly. It allows me to put into action the things I am called to do with greater ease, clarity, and confidence. Having a stronger relationship with myself allows me to have better relationships with others. Only when I honor myself can I hope to honor others.

Sometimes retreats are seen as decadent, frivolous, or even selfish. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are foundation of all that you are and do in the world. If you are depleted, how can you possibly support your family or give your all to your work? When you take time to give yourself the gift of renewal, you are able to show up for life and your many roles with a clear head, vibrant energy, and fresh ideas. Try it for yourself! I invite you to join us for an upcoming Women's Self-Renewal Retreat. Take a weekend and let it be just for you. If this doesn't work for you, then take a day or part of a day at home and declare a personal retreat. Turn off your phone, stay away from the computer, put up the “do not disturb” sign, close your eyes and sit mindfully or take a walk and listen. Listen to your heart. Hear your soul. What do they want you to know?

Boundaries... Tough, and So Critical!

Obsession, Overwhelm, and Opening

Our Need for R.E.S.T...

3 Reasons to Retreat

There’s Never Been a Better Time for Self-Care

I Will Not Abandon Myself

Disconnect to Connect: The Power of Retreat

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