Category: Self Care

What a Month...

9/4/2019

What a month August was… in 31 days, I spent more days in places and experiences than I hope others experience in a lifetime – places where I felt alone and powerless and sad. Places where broken systems are anything but supportive and generate a sense of frustration and oppression. Experiences that remind me I’m in a reality I certainly never imagined.

Places filled with fear, sadness, grief, and anxiety so thick you can feel it surrounding you as you enter the overflowing and slow-moving parking garage… places where no one wants to be. Places cloaked with the stench of sickness and the heaviness of despair – where people in white coats rush about and noises drone constantly. You visit but don’t glean much information or hope. Any day at the hospital is inherently draining.

Places where I succumb to a search of my property and person even though I have committed no crime. I simply want to board a plane or love someone who is on the wrong side of the bars. Places where those in uniform clearly hold the power, and it is most wise to suppress and succumb.

Shopping for 6 whites, 6 socks, 6 boxers… alongside excited RIT and U of R students and their parents preparing for the upcoming school year and the promise it holds. I shop not for the hallowed halls of these institutions but for the stark concrete barricade of an institution of last choice and lost hope. I hope you don’t know what this feels like, but if you do, know that you are not alone…

Phone calls that don’t simply ring through but require agonizing minutes of recorded messages along with so much button pushing… calls that cannot be answered on the fly and can’t be returned if you miss them.

It’s been a month of epic highs, extreme lows and some flatline numbness. Along with the places I’ve mentioned already, I’ve also had moments that blew me away with their beauty and wonder!

Leading retreat at the serene Himalayan Institute with a group of women who openly share their hearts; Camp is in Your Heart in the incredibly gorgeous Colorado Rocky Mountains with people who share inspiration, hope, and also struggle. Guiding my sweet and wise Self-Care Sanctuary group through practices that nourish and sustain us and working with clients who are fully embracing their life and their strengths while facing their challenges… these are some of the highs. I have also cherished quieter highs in times with my beloved or a dear friend, sharing simple moments of life as well as our dreams and fears.

All of this has required me to walk between pretty open-hearted places (where I much prefer to be and how I really want to show up to life) and places where I’ve needed to armor up a bit, to protect my tender heart. It can be hard to dance back and forth between those two ways of being.

I’m generally a pretty optimistic positive person, and I have had more mornings than I’d like to admit that have begun with “I guess I’m ready to face the day.” My practices are lucky if I don’t forget them, and I am fortunate when I have remembered… they ground me. Otherwise, my mind easily gets away from me into thoughts about the past or worries about the future.

Why Share?
Why share this with you? Well, why not? When I share, I no longer have to hold my story in silence and shame or fear of judgment. As I share, each of you can lightly hold a piece of my story with me, which lightens the load on my heart. I remember that I do not walk through this world alone.

And, more importantly, maybe my sharing will allow you to open your heart and share yours. Each one of us has challenges and suffering that too often we try to bear alone. Why? What good does that do?

If You are Hurting...
If you’re hurting, please ask for help. Ask for listening. Ask for support. Ask for someone simply to walk with you through the pain. And when you need it, ask for time to be alone. But, always remember, you do not have to face this on your own. Whatever “this” is for you.

Find practices that support and nourish your body, mind, heart, and soul. Here are a few that have worked for me:

Gratitude – this is a keystone practice for me. I find it every day, in the smallest of moments and in things I might otherwise take for granted, even for tears and sad feelings. I find gratitude for being alive enough to notice.
Yoga – it brings all of our parts into the same space, reminds us of a strength and flexibility we may not have been feeling, and gives our nervous system a chance to settle for a bit.
Rest – getting all the rest we need and letting it be ok, knowing that it takes a lot of energy to go through hard times.
Nature – whether that be a walk among the trees, sitting on the grass staring up at the clouds or stars, or getting out on the lake… nature has its own soothing embrace that bathes our souls in its gentleness.
Simple Joy – find simple pleasures and let yourself enjoy them. Find laughter and play. Movies and mindless TV have been part of my self-care – they transport me out of my own head, life, and story, and carry me away to another place and time, if only for a short while. They help to shift my energy.

Have something to look forward to every day and also make plans for concerts, trips, and fun times with those you love.

Your life is still happening and you deserve to engage in it,
even when circumstances are grim.

Gentle yourself – (yes, I am intentionally using “gentle” as a verb – try it!) be very, very gentle with your tender, aching heart and lean into care, letting it be ok, releasing any harsh self-judgment.
Simplify – eliminate the drudgery – avoid the tendency to treat your life as a chore. Reschedule, delegate, and do what is absolutely required – the rest can and will wait. Leave some (or a lot) of white space in your calendar; in hard times we need extra spaciousness and breathing room.

Remember, even when things aren’t going well, you can still take time and find ways to take care of you so that you can live your life. Where there is breath, there is hope. If you’re reading this it’s safe to assume you are breathing. Hold on to that hope and live YOUR life!

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Sitting with Sadness

7/24/2019

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I woke up feeling super sad the other morning...and I don't really know why. As I journaled with the grey rain falling down around me, the tears came, and I just let them. As the day went on, I also spiraled into moments of frustration, anger, self-doubt, self-judgment - basically a messy stew of ickiness that I really don't like sitting in! As I made up stories about why I was feeling this way, I knew they were just that - stories made up by me that weren't grounded in reality, but just a reflection of how shitty I was feeling, wanting to be able to place the blame somewhere, wanting to somehow make sense of this...

Sitting with sadness…
Can you sit with it? Of course, you can, but who wants to? I find myself having many other preferred feelings and an acute desire to jump out of my own skin and beyond the sadness into whatever’s next! Anything is better than this lonely empty place. Sometimes even anger is a welcome relief, simply to break up the dull ache.

And yet, if I can sit with my sadness when it’s here, this is part of coming home to myself. With love, with honesty, with kindness and compassion, and with integrity. With tears, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, with all of my doubts and worries. This IS self-care – the part we don’t often talk about.

When I can consciously sit with my sadness, I allow myself to sink into the feeling in my body – is it warm, heavy, tingly, spiky? I let go of pretending that everything is fine. I let the tears flow. I let go of the forced smile.

I let go of the things I do to avoid feeling the sadness – you know, filling up my time with busy tasks, getting lost in social media hoping to find some true connection (oh, honey… this is not where you’ll find that!), housing that pint of Haagen Das (it really doesn’t even taste good), sleeping longer than I need to, or distracting myself basically in any way possible.

Filling the Void...
We all have our ways of seeking to fill that void. Brené Brown talks about it as numbing and Jennifer Louden names these are our “shadow comforts.” These things that we do take us away from the uncomfortable feeling. They may even appear to be good choices at times, but they don’t really fill us up or nourish us. In fact, they usually take us away from the things that truly would.

And yet, all of this is part of being human. We all go through these times, and it can be hard to know what to do with it. I was talking with my friend, Mary, about this and she shared an experience of sitting with one of her young students whose feelings had been hurt. She offered him this choice... did he want her to give him strategies to feel better or just let him be sad for as long as he needed to? He chose to just feel sad... for about 5 minutes bawled his eyes out while she sat with him and gave him all the space he needed to feel exactly what he was feeling. Then he was done. Ready to move on. What a gift Mary gave this little boy. Too often we rush to find the "feel good" feeling again and skip over this part of our humanity.  Too often we try to make others feel better rather than just sitting with them.

You are Not Alone...
Does it suck? Yup. Does it mean there’s something wrong with you? Not necessarily. Are you alone when you're in this place? No. It sure felt that way to me that morning, and yet in reality, I was not. I found a couple of friends who have the ability to sit with me in my messiness and hear all of the dark thoughts that creep into my mind. I cried. I remembered we all have these days.  I didn’t beat myself up too terribly much for being in that state. Too often we add to the suffering by getting upset with ourselves for being upset!

So, the next time you find yourself swamped by sadness, whether it’s expected or not, whether it makes sense or not, give yourself the grace of being a human being who feels. I invite you to allow yourself the time to gently be with yourself and allow yourself to feel into it, rather than trying to push it down or away. Be with yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feels – it is oh, so natural. Give yourself the grace to get the support you need – reach out to a friend, get to a counselor, ask for help and allow yourself to receive it.   You don’t have to go it alone…

And, if this is more than a passing sadness, but something that is taking you down and out of your life, please seek professional help. Here are some resources to get you started: National Institute of Mental Health.

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Yes or No?

6/8/2019

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It’s not always easy to know where to direct our attention or spend our precious energy and time. We live in an abundant world of possibilities… which is great! Until it’s not…

I, for one, can easily overwhelm and over-commit myself to too many groups (easy to do these days given the easy access to so many online groups as well as in-person ones), too many programs (anyone else a victim to the bright, shiny object syndrome??), too many practices (I love to learn and I love things that enhance my life…what can I say?)… And then I find I have too many “things” for too few hours!

And so when I woke up finding myself feeling overwhelmed, weighed down, and uncertain where to even begin I noticed the familiar tendency to freeze and just not do anything at all… or to distract myself in brilliantly disguised ways, doing things that need to be done, but maybe not right now. Or by doing things that don’t need to get done at all! That social media rabbit hole is a favorite place for me to go at times like this. How about you? Where do you go when you don’t know where to begin?

In the past two weeks I’ve been to two workshops, and I’ve loved them both! They both involve practices that I would like to bring into my everyday life. And I’m just not sure where they are going to fit in. Something needs to give to open up space in my hours. I can feel the confinement of so many things bearing down on me. The things I want to do. The things I need to do. The things that are calling me. The things that are drawing me in. And the pressures of the places I think I should show up…

I started to sit down at my desk and just start something, and very quickly realized that I had no idea where to begin. That’s when it hit me that today my morning routine had gotten disrupted and I hadn’t yet meditated. This makes all the difference in the world for me, so I took myself to my seat and sat.

When you think you don't have time...
The irony is that the moments when I don’t think I have time, is exactly when I need to make the time for the practices that support and sustain me. Meditation is one for me. Taking the time to sit with myself, to be with my breath, quiets my mind and calms my nervous system, taking me out of the reactive mode to a clearer place of discernment. From there I really can begin taking on one thing at a time with a much clearer head. I can be more discerning. I can begin.

What works for you when you get overwhelmed? How do you decide what is a "yes, this is something I will do" rather than "no!" (at least not now). Please comment so that we can all take in some new ideas. Thanks! Here’s to wise discernment and a little less overwhelm!

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Are You at War with Reality?

8/22/2018

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Are you at war with reality? When I first heard this question, posed gently and sincerely by Tara Brach, it stopped me in my tracks. Was I? Are you kidding me?? Of course I was! Who wouldn’t be when they were facing what I was!? Righteous indignation set in. Absolutely, I’m at war with reality! And, I have every right to be! This isn’t what I signed up for!

And so it goes… from the mundane “I don’t want the days to be getting shorter…” to the deeper heartfelt plaintive wail “Nooooo!” that goes along with a life-changing diagnosis or the death of a loved one, there are so many moments when we don’t like what’s happening. We really can’t stand that this is our reality. We desperately want things to be different.

But, this is the way it is right now…

Signs you might be at war with reality

Wondering if you are at war with your reality?

If you find yourself thinking or saying anything like this, you might be at war with reality:
It shouldn’t be…
How did this happen? This isn’t how my kids were raised!
I can’t deal with this!
This person/company/country cannot be doing this…
NO! I refuse to believe it! (that one’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?)

What do you do now?

If you find yourself accepting that you are at war with reality (possibly and probably more often than you know), what do you do?

One of the key principles of mindfulness is to be with what is. Easier said than done, for sure. Yet, when we are able to do so, there is a softening, a tiny relaxing, a teeny sense of ease that sinks in simply because we have let go of resisting.

When we resist, we tighten in order to hold on to something or to brace ourselves against something, and in the tightening and bracing, our unhappiness, struggle, and suffering increases significantly. Not only is this thing going on, but now we’ve added an internal battle against it.

Being with what IS doesn’t mean we have to like it. It simply means that we need to accept that it is indeed here in this moment. From that place, we are able to sit with it, see how it lands in us, and then be in a place where we can more consciously ask the question, “OK, this is happening. Now what?”

I’m not asking you to deny your resistance or denial – that would only complicate things further. Be with your feelings of sadness, anger, fear, or grief. Be with them as long and as often as they arise. That is absolutely part of the practice of being with what’s real. You’re feeling this way – give yourself the space and compassion to be exactly where you are in this moment.

Then lay down the sword that’s fighting whatever has caused you so much angst and lean into your experience. When you face it head on, with the acceptance that it’s here, you are much better prepared for what will come next.

The Practice of RAIN

The mindfulness practice of RAIN: Recognizing, Allowing, Investigating and Nurturing is one I’ve found to be super helpful when facing hard times. Depending on your situation, this might be a very quick practice that yields some comfort right away, or it might require a longer chunk of time or even many rounds to really find any relief.

We are not looking for a quick fix – life doesn’t work that way. We are looking for a practice that will support you as you face the challenges that life inevitably and continually throws our way.

Recognize what is happening and what you’re feeling – “My child just betrayed me. I’m pissed!”

Allow it to be here, just as it is – rather than pushing it away and wishing it weren’t so, make room for the anger, and recognize that your heart truly is able to hold it all.

Investigate – with kindness and curiosity, not mentally, but in your body – where does this anger land? How does it feel? “Ah, my jaw is clenched. My stomach is in a knot. I’m barely breathing.”

Nurture – bring loving compassion to yourself. What do you need in this moment? How can you care for yourself in this state of anger? What kind of loving support do you want right now?

After the RAIN, simply soak it in… allow it to nourish you to your roots. Then, just like plants and flowers do after a real rain, you are able to open up and blossom once again.

Simply by allowing yourself to have the reaction you’re having, taking the time to be with yourself and notice and name what’s going on, to inquire how you might care for yourself or ask for the support you need, you’ve already loosened its grip on you. You’ve given yourself a chance to step into some practices that might actually nurture, nourish, and support you to face this thing that is causing so much despair.

It’s a Practice

Like so many things, it’s a practice. A practice of being aware and being with. Practices ask us to repeat them over and over. Practices allow us to forget them and then to remember, over and over again. A practice isn’t something you do once and check it off of your list.

For more about RAIN, I recommend checking out Tara Brach’s resources here. She has a number of talks, writings, and meditations to deepen into this beautiful self-compassion practice.

Because, when we are at war with reality, we are certainly not being kind or gentle to ourselves. We are struggling within our own experience, and we suffer from this fight.

May today you greet yourself with loving kindness. May you find peace. May you allow your experience to be just as it is. May you live with ease.

Wishing you so much goodness.

I’d love to hear how this lands with you and please share your experiences both of resisting and of allowing. What are your signals that you’re at war with reality and what’s worked to support you in moving through these times?
Please join the conversation below.

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3 Reasons to Retreat

6/10/2018

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There was a day when I didn't know about retreats and how powerful they are and what a critical piece of my well-being they would become I imagine there are others out there who also wonder... who haven't yet discovered the magic of retreat. So, I'd like to share with you just a few great reasons to give yourself the gift of retreat, for however long you may take or in whatever form! What are some of the benefits and why would anyone make the investment of time and energy to retreat for a bit?

1. Get out of routine - there's great value in simply breaking the pattern of everyday life - of taking yourself out of your usual habits and routines. By changing things up, we tap into wonder and curiosity about life. We begin to open to new ideas, insights, and creativity. We open our eyes to new perspectives. We see new possibility that we hadn't considered before. We lighten up, let go, and even have fun!! When you break away from the daily routine, there is nothing to fix or figure out. Your mind can truly rest. Aaahhhh... to me, that alone is worth the price of admission!

2. Slow down - We live in a world where go, go, go, is the norm. Demands are coming fast and furious and we find ourselves pulled in so many directions with no relief in sight. Our pace is unsustainable and our to-do list never-ending. But, we don't know how to stop sometimes. This pace is taking a toll on our health and well-being. When we slow down, we calm our mind and soothe the nervous system. Then we notice the beauty of nature, our own body, people in our world. We have to step off the hamster wheel to be with these sweeter things.

3. Quiet the outer noise - Oh my goodness! There is so much coming at us all the time - news, ads, social media, political banter... it's an endless onslaught of noise, opinions, and provocations. You've noticed that, right? Just taking a media break for a brief period of time is super healing and restorative. Imagine room to breathe without your phone constantly pinging in your ear. Step away and feel the sigh of relief and the sense of peace. In this space we begin to listen to our hearts and souls and hear our own inner guidance.

We don't need more intensity - the world brings plenty of that. We don't need more things to do - we have more activities than we can keep up with already. Retreat is designed to be restorative and nourishing.

Why do you retreat? Please join the conversation in the comments and let us know! Together we grow and learn!

Does retreat sound good to you? If you like this sound of this and would love to join a circle of like-minded women who are ready for a little of this retreat sweetness, join us in the beautiful Poconos at the Himalayan Institute for Coming Home to Yourself: A Women's Renewal Retreat August 10-12.

At my retreats, everything is an invitation. You are free to rest as needed. Explore the 400 gorgeous acres as you commune with nature or give your body some movement among the trees and hills if that's your thing. Gather in our circle around the campfire. Check out a yoga class or meditation session. And, rest into a world of no expectation.

I hold our retreat space as safe and sacred - in this space you need only show up for yourself. You are free to participate in the way that's comfortable for you and you are free to share and listen knowing that this is a zone where these is no advising, no figuring out what anyone else "should" do, and no worry that anyone is going to tell you what you should do. This is a place and space to deepen your connection with yourself and to learn to honor yourself more deeply than ever before.

Questions? Let me know! Know someone who would love this? Please share this with them! And, if you're ready to jump onboard, you can register here!

"A women's retreat springs from and is about stepping out of your ordinary existence to listen and attune to your truest, most authentic self... It is setting apart time to tend the hearth of your inner life, feed your muse, reclaim your dreams." ~ Jennifer Louden, The Women's Retreat Book

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Being There for Yourself

5/23/2018

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Have you ever noticed that we will do ANYTHING for our kids, for our pets, our partner, our parents, our friends… ? You get the gist, right? If someone else needs us, we are there in a heartbeat, willing to do whatever it takes! We give and give. We sacrifice. We go above and beyond. For others. All. The. Time.

And, then something comes up that we’d like to do that costs a significant amount of money, requires a lot of time, or may involve travel away from our family. Our first response isn’t usually an automatic, “I’m in! Sign me up!” It’s hesitation… a pause… maybe even a complete stop and redirect to something more familiar and more comfortable.

I don’t have the time. The kids will need me. I’ve just spent $1000 on my dog’s surgery. We just spent thousands on doctors, sports, camps, counseling, and therapies of all sorts. Are you familiar with this dialogue that runs almost automatically through our heads?

What’s interesting to notice is that we didn’t stop to think for a minute where that money would come from or how we’d find the time for events and appointments for our loved ones. We knew we’d clear the calendar to be there for them – of course. It’s what we do. No question. No doubt. No other option.

Why is it we give so freely, quickly, and easily to everyone but ourselves?

Conditioning: We have been conditioned and taught for as long as we can remember that this is the way to be – when you are a kind, good, nice, and loving person, you are generous. You put others first. You do for others no matter what. It’s the right, honorable, and noble thing to do.

The problem is, we sometimes give and do beyond what’s sustainable. We may fail to even give ourselves the time and space to figure out what would fill us up emotionally, what would support us physically, what would nourish us mentally, and what would nurture us spiritually. We drain our tank and rather than refuel, we just put on our Super Woman cape, take flight, and keep on going.

Betty

Meet Betty – If you look closely at this picture, you can see her strength and determination. Yet, Betty was a woman who learned early in life to downplay her accomplishments, to avoid the limelight, to be everything for everyone, and to not believe in herself. You see, Betty was on track to be the class valedictorian in her high school in the late 1930’s (probably not common for a girl to hold this ranking). But, rather than eagerly prepare to take the stage at graduation, Betty intentionally failed some things so that she would not have to give that speech. She stepped back and let someone else take her place and her moment to shine.

In college, Betty was studying to be a teacher. One professor judged her to be a “shrinking violet,” something that was not desired in the profession. So, she quit college and became a secretary, taking very good care of her male bosses, no doubt.

She married and became the dutiful mother and housewife that she believed she should be, diligently studying and obeying The Good Wife’s Guide (we found this in her belongings after she died!). She cooked, cleaned, baked, hosted dinner parties, and took care of the kids. She ironed everything…including pillowcases and t-shirts!!

Her family’s joy was everything to her. She served her family and In many ways her husband was her master, dictating schedules, chores, etc… She lost touch with her own dreams and needs and withheld her anger, stuffing it in favor of the happy face she was supposed to plaster on. She didn’t complain and was perhaps the kindest, gentlest and most loving women I have ever known.

But she did not value herself. She did not believe in her capabilities or her intelligence.

And, though she should have been rewarded for this, instead she found herself alone to raise a pre-teen after her husband left her for another woman whom he found to be more adventurous and more intellectually stimulating. Despite doing “everything right” and sacrificing herself while giving 110% to her husband and five kids, it still wasn’t good enough. Thankfully, the divorce required her to find the courage to begin to listen to her dreams again, to put herself out there and travel and find a job that she loved and would happily work at into her 70’s!

Betty was my dear mama, and she is one of the main reasons I do the work I do today. I am determined to help women see their value, make themselves a priority, and claim their stake in this life – by choice, not by forced life circumstances.

And though these are different times, I see many Betty's still out there, I feel her shadow alive within me from time to time and I can hear her messages loud and clear– put others first; be nice; take good care of your husband so that he won’t leave you; and keep on doing more because it’s never good enough!

We carry our conditioning strongly within us, and we need support to break free and chart a new course. We need to know that it’s not selfish to take good care of ourselves, to make time for ourselves, and to honor our needs and desires. And, it doesn’t have to be done in a way that’s reactive, angry, or hurtful to anyone else. Done right, it benefits us as well as those we live with and interact with. We need to get to know ourselves well enough that we are able to honor and be our most authentic selves. It is possible! When we do that, the whole world benefits. This is a practice that asks us to revisit it every day, many times a day. Self-care is not self-indulgent… self-care is our lifeline. It’s what sustains us to be able to be kind, loving, and generous from a place of true well-being.

So, next time you find yourself hesitating about taking time, spending money, or making a commitment for yourself and you feel the automatic resistance kick in, I invite you to pause and give yourself permission to go for it.

It's OK to be happy. It's OK to have fun. It's possible to find peace

Being there for yourself...
When you notice you’re feeling drained, exhausted, or resentful, check in… have you been over-giving and over doing, thinking you have to always do more and be more? Then close your eyes, take a few breaths, and sincerely ask the wisest part of your being what you need in that moment. How depleted are you and what will it take to rejuvenate you? What would bring more joy into your life? What would cultivate more peace within? It’s ok to be happy. It’s ok to have fun. It’s possible to find peace. Let’s remember these things and take the oath my teacher, Renee Peterson Trudeau, taught me: “I will not abandon myself!”

How can you care for yourself today? Where will you NOT abandon yourself today?

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Mom-life Identity Crisis by guest blogger, Dr. Rachel

5/4/2018

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This post was originally posted on Dr. Rachel's blog at FitMama PDX

I have a dirty little secret...
Let me set the scene. This past weekend, I attended a continuing education course on body weight movement and strength training. I left the house bright and early both mornings, returning after 6pm both nights, leaving my husband to hang with our brood (Sierra 14, Jack 10 and Cooper 18 months).

It’s important to note that this is the longest single stretch that I had been away from Cooper since he was born, and that my husband gets a little flare of anxiety when left alone too long with what can only be described as an intensely energetic range of kiddos.

So, what’s the big secret?

I could feel the guilt mounting in the days leading up to the weekend. Should I take the time for myself? Should I see if I could bring the kids for some of the action so that the husband could get a break? Was I being selfish...all self-imposed guilt I might add.

And, here’s the part I really wasn't expecting.

When I rolled up at the end of my first day, exhausted and sweaty, I was shocked by my reaction. The day had been wonderful (for my family), filled with park time, successful nap time, and lots of ease. The house was even cleaner than I had left it that morning. So, why did I feel so damn sad? Instead of seeing this as a victory for all, I suddenly felt a panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was no longer needed...my mom-life identity was being threatened.

Who was I if not the person who could run the house smoothly, anticipate needs before they were stated, and soothe a grumpy toddler?

We’ve all heard the term empty nest syndrome, but what about full nest syndrome?

All my kids are still under one roof, needy as ever, and I have longed for more free time to work on my business, health, life...But, once I had successfully taken this time, I found myself unable to appreciate the foundation of safety and security that we’ve established as a family.

The capable, awesome humans who can thrive without my constant presence hasn’t filled me with pride. It has instead left me with a huge feeling of emptiness.

WTF?

Here’s what happened next. I let my younger self surface, throw a mini-temper tantrum (for my husband’s eyes only), made a few ridiculous comments about how I should just plan to go away every weekend, or move to Canada, cried a little, had a restless night of sleep, had my ah-ha moment and then started to get REALLY EXCITED.

Why I am subjecting you to this story? Because, that’s how it goes with a mom-life crisis. We have these opportunities to find our ah-ha moments no matter where we are on the journey. There will come a time when you will be confronted by your own identity. The Daughter, Mom, Wife, Lover, Entrepreneur...

We use these titles to help describe the people we are in the world, but they are not WHO WE ARE. This past weekend I thought I was a physician learning safe and effective movement strategies to enhance strength and mobility by day, and a mother and wife by night. But, after sitting in the uncomfortable muck of emotion that surfaced, and toning down my ego, I realized that I am a strong, capable woman who works hard every day to show up with integrity, who has the power to give life, kiss scraped knees, laugh, love and cry all in one day.

Take a step back and think about all the hats you wear, your different identities. Now think about the person underneath all of that, the one who had the will, stamina and fortitude to get you where you are today. That is who you are. That is the person who gets hidden, or lost when we start to pin ourselves to a single word.

It's about balancing the person you are with all the hats that you wear, and never being afraid to ask for help in accomplishing your goals. That means being willing to ask your community for what you really need, and being willing to invest resources into your own health and well-being - not spending everything you have on your kids and leaving yourself high and dry!

If you can relate to the idea of having a mom-life crisis, or you’ve ever found yourself floundering between what you think you should do, and what you know you want, I invite you to take a look at my One Page Wellness Consult over here. It’s my way of helping you find your footing. By taking simple, effective and efficient steps towards your health goals you become just a little more YOU.

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What Will You Do with This Day?

5/1/2018

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Your time and energy are precious and limited

There will always be more undone than done... in a day, a week, a quarter, a vacation, a lifetime... Once I truly got this deep down in my gut, it was a huge ah-ha moment!
It allowed me to get real about what's "enough!"

When we accept this reality, we get to choose in each moment how we want to spend our precious time and energy. We get to choose what is enough for us, moment to moment.

So today, how will you choose to spend your precious time? And can you be ok with letting the rest go for now? It is Sunday after all... and the sun might be shining! What would bring you sheer delight?
Go for it!! I am cheering you on with much love!

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Self-Care… Where Everything else Begins

4/12/2018

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I wasn’t introduced to the idea of self-care as a regular, ongoing, sustaining practice until 4 years ago… I was almost 50 years old! That’s a pretty long time to live without having any conscious awareness that it was vitally important to make my own wellbeing a priority.

A long time to go without thinking of self-care as anything other than an occasional massage or pedicure or anything beyond routine maintenance (brushing my teeth, exercising, eating well, or getting a haircut). A very long time to hold the belief that everyone else’s needs were more important than my own.

A long time to believe that self-care was luxurious – only for the rich and famous! Certainly not for someone who was a mom working full-time. Self-care was for those who could afford a spa weekend, a decadent vacation, indulgent time for getting away. Yes, this is honestly the belief I held as I think about it now. Wow!

Thankfully, in 2014 a friend invited me to a retreat with my now dear friend, mentor, and self-proclaimed self-care evangelist, Renee Trudeau. I don’t remember the title of the retreat and had never heard of Renee, but I do remember my heart skipping a beat and my breath catching in my throat as I took in the title of her book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate, and Re-Balance Your Life! Whoa!! So many powerful words in just one title…

Self-Renewal
What the heck is that??

Reclaim
Wait…what?? How is that possible? I’ve been known as my boys’ mom for 20 years now. Do I really have a life of my own out there waiting for me to reclaim it? Ooooohhhh… I wonder what might be out there in that vast unknown territory!

Rejuvenate
Yeah, I get that one, and I definitely need a little infusion of rejuvenation in this worn-out, exhausted body and soul! Sign me up!!

Re-Balance…
Balance?? What’s that? I’ve pretty much been trained and conditioned to believe that I am here for the sole purpose of taking care of others. Making sure my kids are happy, healthy, entertained, and well-socialized. Making sure the program I managed was also happy, healthy, and thriving – that the people who worked for me were taken care of and had the support they needed. Taking care of my mom since I was a teen…

These were pretty novel and foreign concepts that instantly awakened my heart with a deep yearning!

It is not an exaggeration to say that that weekend in January 2014 turned my life around completely, personally and professionally. Sitting in a circle of about 50 women, I saw that only a handful of us even knew it was OK for us to be there. Since then, I have committed my work to supporting others in making self-care part of daily living. We all need it.

Self-care is NOT:
Self-care is NOT one more thing on your to-do list.
Self-care is not something you can accomplish and check off your list!
Self-care is not even something you can master.

Self-care IS:
Self-care IS a practice. A practice that runs counter to our cultural conditioning. To take it on is not easy. To stay with it… even harder. Until you really have worked with it long enough that it’s truly integrated into your life, you cannot know how strongly this practice sustains you. You need to give it a go to see how it can carry you through your darkest times and most difficult struggles.

We, as women, truly believe that we are meant to be able to do it all. You know that old song, “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…” Yeah, yeah, yeah… sure you can! Well, you probably can and you probably have. And, maybe it’s taking a toll on you today! This mindset has done a number on us, pushing us to do more, be more, and give more… endlessly. Even putting our own wellbeing at stake.

A Real-Life Example
Recently a friend (who is a very politically active working single mom of twins!) posted about giving herself the gift of some time off. She caught herself with this stretch of open time – time that could have been a great time to “get a lot done.” Her first response was to chastise herself for “wasting time taking care of herself.” Ouch!

Thankfully, she stopped herself and saw how often she tries to rationalize her self-care, believing she needs to defend it or deserve it in order to have it (after all, she truly does give so much to so many others!). She also realized that she did not need to justify, defend, or deserve it! She saw that self-care does not depend on worth, but that it is a critical need, just like breath. Hallelujah!

Self-care is our Birthright
You see, my friends, self-care is our birthright. It’s our obligation. After all, we’ve been given these bodies and these lives. We are here to make a contribution. If we don’t care for ourselves, who will? If we don’t care for our bodies and lives, how will we be able to show up for anything or anyone else? How can we possibly bring forth our gifts to make the world a better place if we are stressed out and depleted to the max??

It has to begin at home. With us caring for ourselves. Self-care means to know yourself well enough that you know what your needs and desires are.

Self-care is all about honoring yourself, at least as well you honor everyone else in your life, if not better.

Self-care requires time. Time to slow down. Time to quiet the outside noise. Time to be with yourself to listen to the inner wisdom and guidance of your heart, your soul, and your body. Can you imagine time better spent?

The Challenge?
We feel we don’t have time for this one vital piece of life! And yet, you can’t afford to not commit this time to yourself. Your health depends on it. Your joy depends on it. And, your legacy depends on it!

When you give yourself the gift of time and space, you can discern what works for you. You can discover YOUR way of doing things. Where are you called to serve? What is yours to do? What isn’t? What can you let go of that no longer serves or fulfills you? What boundaries do you want to set for your own wellbeing?

Please share with us how this lands for you. What might you try for the next few days or weeks? We’d love to hear your reflection and insight.

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There’s Never Been a Better Time for Self-Care

2/9/2017

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There’s never been a better time to take really good care of yourself than now. And, while I think that statement is always true, I think it’s particularly true now. We are living in a time of so much uncertainty and so much disruption. No matter your political views or your level of engagement in activism, it would be hard to be immune from feeling the effects of the energy swirling in the US and across the globe these days.

Now is the perfect time to come home to yourself – back to your own heart, back to your own wisdom, back to your own strength. It’s time to be well-resourced so that you have energy for your creativity, your contribution, and your presence in the world. You must be well-resourced in order to show up to the people and things in your life that matter most. You can’t really fully be there for your loved ones, your clients, or your work if you’re not well-cared for. And, you must be well-resourced for yourself – so that you stay healthy and strong to live the full life you’re here to live.

Self-care doesn’t have to be big or grand, and we certainly don’t want it to become one more thing on an already overwhelming to-do list! No! That’s not what I’m talking about when I talk about self-care. I’m talking about what my mentor, Renee Trudeau, defines self-care as: “the art of attuning and responding to your needs and desires, moment to moment.” This is an in the moment thing, my friends! It is a practice, an art that develops over time. And, it doesn’t have to be hard or take a lot of time.

I’ve been thinking about mini moments of self-care, because most of us don’t have an ounce of extra energy, and we can’t imagine finding more time in a typical day. So, what might be a mini moment that would help rejuvenate, restore, and nourish you? Here are some ideas to get you started:

Breath - take a few minutes to connect with your breath – closing your eyes to shut out distractions if you can, maybe putting a hand on your heart and another on your belly, and just notice. Where does your breath come in? Where do you feel its movement most clearly? Is it deep or shallow? smooth or jagged? Just be with it and notice if it slows or deepens as you stay with it… eventually you might want to invite the exhale to be just a little longer than the inhale, getting rid of that stale air as you bring in fresh.

Music – put on a song that lifts you up, energizes, soothes or inspires you (what is it you need right now?) and dance and sing along… let your body and voice move as a way to get your own energy moving and as a way to find some joy or comfort!

Rest – lying down and letting your body be horizontal, even for a few minutes is soothing to your nervous system. It does not have to be a full-blown nap. But, if you have 20 minutes, close your eyes, drift away, and take it!

   Fresh Air! – get outside to be in nature even if only for a few moments – take a breath of that fresh air into your lungs and find refreshment. If you can go for a walk, whether it be around the city block or in the woods, notice and connect with the nature around you – trees, birds, breeze, snow, sunshine… there is something enlivening about being with nature.

  Journaling – take a few minutes to do a short journaling. This could be simply to brain dump whatever’s on your mind and in your heart or you could do an exploration into deeper connection with yourself, asking and answering a question like “What is it that I most desire right now?” or looking at a bigger one like, “The life I envision is…” It’s amazing the wisdom that rises up when we give ourselves a few minutes to write without thinking or stopping.

  Create – get out some watercolors and paint away – see what wants to be expressed today; knit; craft with clay; make a collage; color or draw a mandala – all of these things are great ways to tap the creative part of our brain and get out of the thinking mind, which may really need a rest.

  Connect – connect with other people in person or by phone so that you can be seen and heard and have a chance to share laughter and struggle with someone else. Knowing we are not alone is really powerful. It can be really tempting to isolate when we’re feeling overwhelmed or down, so sometimes this one takes a conscious effort. The rewards are well worth it.

  Sprinkle in some JOY! – have something to look forward to each and every day that makes you happy, makes you laugh, warms your heart, or just brings in a gentle sense of contentment… there’s room for it every day, even in the darkest of times.

What ideas do you have? I’d love to hear yours in the comments below – we are each other’s teachers!

Self-care definitely needs to come in mini moments over and over again throughout the day. There are also times when it’s great to take a longer period of time to really fill up your own well if you can. Give yourself a half day or full day to simply listen to your heart and gut – what is it that would be nourishing, joyful, or healing for you today? Be willing to be surprised and be willing to change your “plan” if you start something and find out it isn’t filling you up as you had hoped. This isn’t about making plans or commitments – it’s about learning to listen to your own guidance and being gentle with yourself as it comes.

If you’d like a longer stint of self-care immersion, take a weekend or week-long retreat – alone or with a group. Retreats give you a chance to turn off the phone and computer, to step away from daily demands, and to create space for you – to go within and see what really needs your attention right now. Retreats are a time for your mind to relax, your body to rest, and all of you to slow down.

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About me...

I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay. I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.

This is the space where we get real. I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.

What's real for you? What would you like me to write about? Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

Thank you for joining me on this journey!!

What a Month...

Sitting with Sadness

Yes or No?

Are You at War with Reality?

3 Reasons to Retreat

Being There for Yourself

Mom-life Identity Crisis by guest blogger, Dr. Rachel

What Will You Do with This Day?

Self-Care… Where Everything else Begins

There’s Never Been a Better Time for Self-Care

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