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Supposed To's

6/23/2022

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PicturePhoto by engin akyurt on Unsplash
There are SO MANY supposed to’s out there…  each of us carries an extensive catalog of them in our minds. 

Big days hold so many expectations.  So much pressure.  Of how things are “supposed to” be or about things you’re “supposed to” do.  Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. And also, weekends, evenings, vacations, mornings.  So many ideas of what should happen, what we should be doing, how we should be behaving - many of them not even conscious, but driving the show anyway.  These ideas weigh on us, drive us, lead us to judge ourselves and each other.  Have we lived up to the expectations or have we fallen short?  Have we nailed it or been a whopping disappointment?

This week has been filled with big days in my world – our anniversary, Father’s Day, my son’s birthday.  I’ve had to work to be aware of my “supposed to’s” so that I could let go of them and allow whatever was or whatever we wanted to create to be ok, to be enough. 

It has taken conscious effort to accept the reality of some situations.  No, I will not get to celebrate my birthday with my son in person this year.  My heart aches over that, but it’s just the way it is right now.  So, what can I do instead?  How can I find a way to celebrate him, me, us, this life, and the years we’ve shared and all that they’ve carried?  What will work for me/for us in this reality? 

I’ve had to work to choose to give us permission to spend our anniversary and Father’s Day the way we wanted to.  It’s ok to share a nice lunch instead of a big fancy dinner.  It’s ok to eat in and create a picnic that fits what I want to eat.  It’s ok to choose not to do gifts, because we just don’t need anything more.  It’s ok to make space to enjoy the day the way WE want – to decide together what works for us, moment by moment.  It takes awareness and presence to grant ourselves full permission to do this. 

I have had such high hopes for so many special days over the many years of my life.  Too often I’ve found myself disappointed or let down when things didn’t measure up.  So, is this settling now?  No!  This is simply letting go of all the conditioning that bears down on me about how anything is “supposed to” be! 

These supposed to’s extend beyond these special life moments – they seep into our roles (“good” mother, friend, sister, boss, student).  They permeate our ideas of what life is supposed to look like, how our plans are supposed to go, what this life’s trajectory should be like, how recovery should go, what a house is supposed to look like… on and on and on.

Often they lead to disappointment or a sense of failure because they carry the idea that there is ONE way or a RIGHT way to do anything.  They close the door on what might be true or right for you in this moment.  They limit us. 

Slogans, mantras, and pithy sayings can keep us locked in rules given to us or rules we’ve taken on.  Often, we don’t stop to examine them.  We don’t bother to consider, “Is this still true for me?  Does this work with where I am in my current life?  Does it fit my present-day thinking?  Does it make sense to me?” 

Spiritual supposed to’s can keep us spinning with ideas like “I know I should focus on my blessings or on what I’m grateful for.  I know I need to just let go and let God.  I know I need to accept what is… to surrender. To trust.  To have faith in a greater plan.  God wouldn’t give me more than what I can handle.  Everything happens for a reason.  What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger…”  and on and on these ideas go.  Sometimes these help get us through, but sometimes they are a spiritual bypass asking us to jump over a harsh reality.  Sometimes we just need to be real.  We need to sit in the messiness of human which may not want to hear these things in this moment.  Sometimes we need to take a step back and examine these ideas – are they really serving and supporting me in this moment or are they just making me feel worse about what I now judge to be my less-than-ideal behavior? 

How to deal with supposed to’s:
  1. Know what yours are.  Begin to notice them when they crop up – often as a sneaky force running below the surface of consciousness but very much influencing your experience of life.
  2. Examine them.  Get curious.  Consider where they came from.  Is this an idea someone else imposed upon you that you continue to carry?  Is this one helpful or is it limiting your ability to consider other possibilities?
  3. Wonder about them – what do these supposed to’s tell us? They may carry a longing or desire that genuinely comes from the heart.  They may reflect a sadness or grief (“it wasn’t supposed to be this way”) that deserves to be acknowledged and honored.  They may invite you to sit with what’s been lost. 
  4. Decide which ones you will keep and honor when you can and which ones you might be ready to let go of or reframe. 
  5. Open yourself to possibility thinking. 

Supposed to’s carry a sense of solidity, inflexibility, and certainty (which can be part of their appeal, I suppose).  They are constricting, limiting, and often based on the past or past conditioning or other people’s ideas.  They shut us down and close us off – keep us looking at the world through blinders.  They stop us from questioning, evolving our thinking and being. 

On the other hand, possibility thinking comes when we open our hearts and minds to consider what else might be ok.  When we face the reality that is here, we can choose consciously how we want to live and be.  We can open up and flow in a way that aligns with who we are in this moment – we can breathe in, feel into, lean into what fills us up with delight, satisfaction, or contentment.  We can decide what is enough and to go back to last week’s piece on Boundaries, we get to choose what is ok and what isn’t, what we will do and what we won’t do. 

When we open up to give ourselves permission to change and grow, we may release some long-held ideas of how things are supposed to go or what life is supposed to look like.  We may discover new thinking or consider fresh ideas.  We are more willing to consider someone else’s perspective. 

When we can open our hearts, listen to the wisdom and knowing our own bodies and hearts, we can begin to live in a way that better suits us.  We can find our own way – our own truth – to perhaps model, create, or teach a new possibility for others to consider. 

So many supposed to’s… and I haven’t even touched on the health and wellness ones, the how people are expected to behave in any given setting… 
​
What supposed to’s get to you?  Are there any you’re ready to let go of, reclaim, or redefine? 
 

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Boundaries... Tough, and So Critical!

6/16/2022

1 Comment

 
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Recently I’ve become really aware of my accumulated depletion from years of hyper-vigilance, and over-giving.  Certainly, this has been me for the few decades, since the time I was pregnant with my oldest son. 

Most likely it’s been me my whole life.  Even as a pretty young child, there was care-giving I had to do.  Always on alert, always doing what I could, working hard to make sure my people are safe, the household runs decently enough, friends are ok, clients well-cared for… carrying a lot of people and their needs in my head and heart. No doubt the stresses of our time is also weighing heavily on me. 

It’s like the fish in water who doesn’t know they’re swimming in water – I didn’t know or couldn’t see what I’ve been swimming in.  I have so many wonderful grounding practices, that mostly I do pretty well. I thought I was ok.  And, overall, I really AM OK!  I share all of this only to lay the background, not for anyone to worry about me – really. 

At the same time, it’s catching up with me, so I’m finding I need more space, more time, more quiet, more slowing down, more breathing room in order to return my nervous system to calm.  It’s not as calm as I’ve thought it was as often as I’ve thought it was.  And, so, enter the need for boundaries.   Boundaries do not come easily or naturally to me, but I’ve learned how vital they are to one’s well-being.


Enter boundaries

Enter the need for boundaries.   Boundaries do not come easily or naturally to me, but I’ve learned how vital they are to one’s well-being. I resonate with Brené Brown’s definition of boundaries as “what’s ok and what’s not ok.”  When we can be clear about this and communicate it to others, we actually strengthen relationship and clarify roles. 


Boundaries allow me to stay connected. They help me to preserve my energy and well-being. Without boundaries, I might need to pull away completely, shut down all together, and go into isolation, making connection impossible.

Boundaries bring me into integrity with what is true for me and allow me to honor what I really have to give. Without boundaries, I can easily over-give, over-extend, and burn myself out… That serves no one. Without boundaries I show up, but I am later exhausted or resentful… That gets in the way of relationship.

Boundaries allow you to trust me. You can count on me to say “yes” when I am available and “no” when I am not. You no longer have to worry or wonder about taking care of me. You can trust that I am taking care of myself.  Please know that even if I say “no” or “not now,” I still care.  I care enough to not give to you when I am not able to.I hope you understand, and I don’t need you to understand.

This isn’t about you.  It’s about integrity, truth, and honoring.  When I hold a boundary, I honor both you and me… even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.

Of course I want people to like me (don't we all?), but I am no longer willing to let that override my love for myself. For too many years I put others first and abandoned myself on a regular basis. This is not sustainable, healthy, or good for either one of us.

With boundaries, we can develop a strong and healthy relationship. I trust you to have other resources and to find your way even when I am not available. I believe in you which is why I don’t have to turn my world upside down to save you. I honor your wisdom, power, and ability to tap into whatever you need to get you through this moment. I know your well-being does not depend on me.

Please understand, I also know how hard it is when someone isn’t available for me when I really feel a need for connection and support.  This makes it hard for me to say no when I feel that need coming from you. 

And at the same time, I love, respect, and honor those who are able to say no to me even when I say “I could really use a friend…“  This happened once with one of my oldest and dearest friends.  It stung in the moment.  It was also painful for her, but she felt the truth of having nothing to give.  And, it taught me an invaluable lesson and modeled for me what’s possible.
 
Somehow, she knew that I would be OK even though I felt like I was falling apart in that moment. She knew that even if I didn’t find anyone else to talk to, I was able to be with myself and make it through the deeply painful and awful time.

Here I am…so, clearly, I did.  I will never forget that moment.  Not because of the pain I felt or because I was angry with my friend, but because she taught me that it is OK to be honest with yourself and with other people, even people you love deeply.  It is ok to say, “I don’t have it in me to give you what you need.  I don’t have the bandwidth.” Or, simply “No.  I’m not available.” 

And so, when I am not available, I trust you. I remember that I am not God or 911 and so I can’t expect myself to be the one to save you.  

Will I be there when I can?  Absolutely!  Will I give of myself generously when I’m filled up?  Without a doubt.  It’s who I am.  And yet, in this moment my own health and vitality depends on me saying yes to me.  Not splitting myself in two trying to honor me and others.  I must begin here, with this vessel, this heart, this being that needs my devotion and care. 

Boundaries are an Act of Radical Self-Care

Boundaries are an act of radical self-care. They take courage and awareness to set. They require us to be quiet enough to hear the inner wisdom that guides us.

Boundaries can feel awkward, clumsy, and imperfect as we begin to express them to others. We may worry how they are received until we learn to let go of that worry and begin to trust instead. If a relationship is based on over-giving, is this a relationship worth continuing? The relationships I want are with people who will understand and respect my right to take care of myself.

I’ve got a long and complicated relationship with boundaries. In the past I didn’t know what they were and had a hard time setting them or knowing what they should be. 

Boundaries are particularly important when you are in a care-giving role, personally or professionally.  If you’re someone people look to and lean into, they will naturally want your support, advice, wisdom, calm, or listening.  We owe it to ourselves (and to them) to be honest about our availability and our limits. 

Boundaries are about Respect – for Me and for You

Without respect for yourself, it’s nearly impossible to have or honor boundaries.  They help me to trust myself and to know that I have my own back.  To know that I will listen when I feel a reaction in my body that tells me yes or no, now, later, or, in fact, never.

Boundaries let you and I know what I can do and what I can’t do.  More accurately, what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do.  I have proven over the decades that I am more than capable of pushing through and doing more than is reasonable.

After 58 years on this planet, I am no longer willing to live that way.  I love and care about so many people.  I am pulled in so many directions.  I have so much and so many people and things weighing on my mind at any given moment.  I take these things on without even being asked.  It’s up to me to free myself.

It’s up to me to respect and love myself enough to take the risk to take a stand.  It’s up to me to draw a line in the sand and then to dance with that line moment to moment.  It’s up to me to learn how to ask the wise questions of myself, to give myself a pause, in order to hear my inner guidance and wisdom.  It’s up to me to take care of myself and not expect you to be able to read my mind.

Boundaries are about Compassion

If we are friends or family, I need to trust you and to trust our relationship - to know we will find our way through even when I say no or not now or I won’t.  Boundaries empower everyone.  They liberate us.  They do not have to be harsh.  In fact, honest boundaries allow for compassionate, honest conversation and communication.


In this short (and very worth your time to watch) video about boundaries, Brené Brown shares her shock at learning that the most compassionate people she interviewed were also the most boundaried! 

Boundaries allow me to honor my heart, soul, and energy.  Boundaries are about respect, trust, and integrity. They do not come easily or naturally, and I may forever be on a quest to learn how to do them better.  I’m willing to learn because so much depends upon it.

Because I know that my energy, time, and resources are limited, as are my days, I want to love open-heartedly and live as beautifully as possible.  With that in mind, boundaries are going to be critical or it’s going to get ugly.

Your Turn
  • What’s your experience with boundaries? 
  • When and why do you need them?
  • Are you comfortable setting them? 
  • How does it feel when someone holds one with you? 
  • Have you found a kind and compassionate way to communicate them? 
  • Do they feel important to you? 
  • Are you able and willing to flex with them as circumstances change? 

Please share with us!  We can learn so much from your insights and experiences!  

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Recovery is Possible

6/5/2022

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By guest blogger, Cathy Taughinbaugh, Certified Parent and Life Coach
 
When my daughter emerged from recovery, I felt the relief of being able to let go of the stress and fear I had been feeling. The changes she'd made in her life lifted a weight off my shoulders.  
 
I realized that I was now looking at a person who could overcome challenges, learn from life lessons, and have the discipline to stay on track. I felt a shift and the changes in her, yet there was the whisper of fear. As time went on, I found I could put those fears away and embrace the new possibilities of life.
 
Good News!
 
While you may have heard that addiction is a hopeless condition, the good news is that most people do find their way to recovery from substance use and overcome other problems getting in the way of living a healthy life.
 
Recovery for many means letting go of the devastating misuse of alcohol or other drugs that have derailed their lives.
 
When a loved one emerges from a substance use problem, families have many options. For example, some live with parents or other family members. Others live in a recovery house or transitional living. I have seen people change their lives and thrive against all odds. Many different paths can lead to living a healthier life. We need to embrace them all and support what works for our loved ones. 
 
According to John Kelly, PhD, "In 2016, my colleagues and I surveyed another nationally representative sample. We discovered that the national prevalence of those in recovery is approximately 9.1 percent or 22.35 million U.S. adults. Nearly one in 10 persons in the U.S. has recovered or is recovering from a substance use disorder.”
 
Kelly goes on to say,” The statistics are tremendously encouraging about recovery. Still, it's important to recognize that the recovery change process is complicated. The journey to remission can be bumpy, and it can take a long time."
 
Yet, people's lives get better after working through a substance use problem. People in recovery from addiction will tell you that. Most who do recover go on to get a job, go back to school or give back to their community by volunteering. The more years a person has in recovery, the more their life improves.
 
Any positive change can bring excitement, coupled with the pride around the hard work that it took your loved one to make the change.
 
Change can be challenging. The temptation to fall back into old ways is always there. Yet as time goes on, the change process feels more comfortable and automatic. New habits become ingrained and that helps prevent relapse.
 
Families Recover
 
We are all recovering from something, and each family member can find their unique path to leading a better life, supporting their loved one's change, or learning new approaches to life for themselves.
 
For instance, my recovery was about letting go of focusing all my attention on our family's issues. I needed to learn to find myself again and regain the balance in my life. 
 
As time went on, I put things into place that helped me, such as exercise, writing, yoga, and keeping friends and family close. 
 
The more you support yourself and your loved one in this delicate process, the better. Family members can be a source of encouragement and hope for their loved ones. That support can be unique to your family, as everyone's recovery path is different. 
 
Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach
 
For anyone making a change, it takes time to get back to themselves. The exciting part is that your loved ones will be able to access the many possibilities for their lives as they move forward. It will be rewarding to observe your family's new direction.
 
And with any change comes the need for healing, compassion, and understanding. 
 
It's crucial to stay connected to your loved one. Everyone needs a support system, especially when you are making a change in your life. 
 
A support system will give you the mental and emotional nourishment to stay on track each day. 
 
Everyone feels better when communication is open and positive. When people feel better, they tend to do better. Having a clear understanding of how others are doing and what you can do to help lays the foundation for change.
 
That includes noticing the hard work your loved one is doing to maintain their recovery, keeping your emotions in check, and taking time to listen without judgment. 
 
Our brains start to look for the positive when we approach life, looking for possibilities rather than getting caught up in worrying about what could happen. 
 
The shift in thinking can be contagious. The more you can support and encourage your family members, the better off your loved one will be. 
 
Everyone will benefit if each family member can focus on themselves and how they can contribute in a helpful way. 
 
You can stay connected to your loved one. You can be a positive influence and take care of yourself.
 
Finally, having a sense of gratitude for what is going well in your life also lights the flame of possibilities. Gratitude helps you notice what is going well in your life and keeps your mind on a positive track.
 
Recovery is possible for anyone. Know there is hope and that change is often right around the corner. 
 
Cathy Taughinbaugh is a Certified Parent and Life Coach, and the author of The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Substance Use.  You can find out more about Cathy’s work and book at her site: https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/

 


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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
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