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Beauty and Gratitude can Change Your Life

10/31/2023

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I struggled with whether to publish this post at this time; daily we are bombarded with heartbreaking headlines.  Is now the time for a post about beauty and gratitude?  I decided yes, it was.  Because in times like this, we need to find a counterbalance more than ever.  We need to remember that our world is more than horrifying headlines and traumatic events.  Always, even now, there is beauty.  There are things to be grateful for. 

It’s a profound understatement to say there are a multitude of horrible, terrifying, and devastating things happening in the world – in our communities, country, and across the globe. Whether you’re glued to the news or not, the energy of these events affects us all.  We likely feel powerless as to what to do – especially for things that are happening far away or are so impossibly overwhelming we don’t even know where to begin. 

Also, we may not know what to do in our own lives when things feel out of control, scary, uncertain, and people we love are in trouble.  The more we fret, the more exhausted we become, and we think less clearly.  When we rehash the bad, the painful, re-telling the same upsetting story over and over, we strengthen the heavy impact it has on us.  We add to our own stress. 

Every single one of us is programmed to focus on pain, what’s wrong, and to be on the lookout for danger or impending doom – that’s part of human nature that has kept us safe and alive for eons.  Scientists call this the negativity bias. 

In his blog, Rick Hanson describes it this way - “Your brain is continually looking for bad news. As soon as it finds some, it fixates on it with tunnel vision, fast-tracks it into memory storage, and then reactivates it at the least hint of anything even vaguely similar. But good news gets a kind of neural shrug: “uh, whatever. In effect, the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.” 

The negative experiences stick to us, poke at us, and wear us down, while we ignore, brush off, or don’t even notice positive ones.  Sometimes we miss much of what’s “good,” simply because we take it for granted. For instance (and hypothetically speaking, of course! 😉), you might not think about how strong your legs are and how much they do for you until you break your foot.  Once you’ve broken that foot and your mobility and independence are affected, it grabs your attention and pulls you into the pit of feeling bad.  It can be hard to think about anything else, and you may pile on by judging yourself for having such a stupid accident (hypothetically speaking, again!). 
 
The good news is there are simple and accessible ways to shift our mindset and experience – when we do so, we can better show up for the things that require our energy.

We need to find ways to re-energize ourselves, and one of those ways is to find a broader perspective and remember things are not all or nothing, good or bad.  Truly, a wide array of experiences and offerings aany given moment. Yes, there's horror, and yes, there's more than that.  

While I’ve learned that I’m not in control of the experiences in my life.  I broke my foot, my son died, it’s raining, wars are raging worldwide – these are facts, and obviously facts that vary in intensity and severity.  They are things I wish were different, and there's nothing  I can do to change them. 

And yet, even when times are tough or excruciatingly painful, there is still good in life.  We have the ability to find it, notice it, or create it.  And, let me be clear, I’m not talking about avoiding, denying, or jumping over the rough stuff through pretending, spiritual bypassing, or looking for the silver lining too soon (or ever) in untenable events.  Nor am I suggesting you say affirmations that tell you things are better than they are (unless that works for you. In which case, affirm away!). 

But, what is true, is that each and every day, no matter the agony, pain, and heartache, there is also beauty somewhere in life.  Whether it’s the red-bellied woodpecker flitting through the trees, crying out to be seen or the cascade of golden leaves floating to the lawn or the dandelion brave enough to peek up through the cement, there’s something beautiful here.  A coffee mug given by a dear friend.  A photo of a special memory.  The scent of a pumpkin chai candle.  Beauty does not have to be big or bold, but it does long to be seen, witnessed, savored. 

In her beautiful book for navigating tough times, Keep Moving, Maggie Smith speaks of the way she and her children delight in sharing “beauty emergencies” – those things that have to be seen right away, before they’re gone.  If one of them sees a spectacular sunset or a dinosaur in the clouds, they’ll call out to the others, “Beauty emergency!”  so they can cherish it together and no one misses out.  What a sweet way to be on alert for something wonderful.  Maybe all emergencies aren’t bad. 

Life has been very chaotic for us over the past 14 years with my son’s struggles with substance use and other mental health challenges.  So much despair.  So much fear.  Times adding up to months of lost connection and opportunities over the years.  It would have been easy for me to have been all-consumed with all that was bad, scary, unknown. In the deep grief since his physical passing, it’s easy to cry endlessly and think of nothing other than how much I miss him.   But even with all the pain and suffering, there is also much to be grateful for. 

That we had 29 years with him, I am grateful for.  That I got to be his mom.  For the happy and hopeful moments that were scattered in there, I am grateful.  The small things like a hug or a deep conversation – those were always a gift.  Because I knew how precarious his life and our time together was, I learned to cherish precious moments along the way.  And when I was too upset with him to find gratitude within that relationship, I opened my heart to the fullness of life.  A delicious meal, a warm home, fresh water and air, or a friend who’d let me vent were things I could be grateful for. 

Gratitude: 
Taking time to pause and open my heart to beauty and gratitude has changed my experience of life – the way I feel about and within life. For over a decade I have had an intentional gratitude practice.  Usually that means in the evening taking some time to reflect on the day and list things that I am grateful for, things I’ve noticed throughout the day, and share it on Facebook.  I’m not sure how this practice started, but it has become a daily ritual that strengthens me; sharing with others fills me up. 

On particularly hard mornings, I’ve taken a little time while still in bed, reflecting on what I’m grateful for; this practice helps me enter the day.  Somehow something inside of me softens as I remember and acknowledge beautiful bits of life.  The other day I sat on our deck and softly offered verbal thanks for the people who’ve shown up to walk through this chapter of life with me; taking just a few minutes to acknowledge long-standing friendships and new people who are coming into my circle – feeling them in my heart as I pictured each one.  These are some of the ways I’ve taken time to intentionally reflect and feel into gratitude. 

Finding Beauty: 
I also look for beauty each day and share pictures on Facebook as well.  “Today’s beauty” posts seem to offer a welcome and different vibe to this platform.  I like sharing sunsets, cloud formations, leaves, trees, and flowers with people.  I love rippling beauty into a dark and ugly time and a space that is too often contentious.    

The more I practice gratitude and look for beauty, the more I find myself noticing throughout the day.  The more I notice things I appreciate, the less I dwell on all that’s wrong.  This isn’t a magic formula or an exercise to check off a list, but rather a way to open my heart and spirit to all of life.  Gratitude lives alongside grief in my mind and heart, woven together, inseparable.  After my dear friend, Mary, passed away, I wrote a bit about this in “Good Grief, Gratitude, and Grace.”  I was absolutely devastated to have lost the one person in my life who always made me laugh and who willingly opened her heart to all of me.  There was nothing I had to hide from Mary.  Who would I turn to now?  And yet, gratitude and grace were there too.  It’s been the same since my son, Nate, died; this crushing loss has dropped me to my knees and isolated me more than any loss in my life and it lives inside my heart right along with beauty, grace, and gratitude. 

Life will bring what life will bring.  How we meet it is up to us.  I’m in for the full human experience, so I don’t shy away from the depths of grief and sadness.  But I’m also always on the hunt for beauty and gratitude.  Slowing down enough to feel gratitude seep through the cells of my being, breathing it in, allowing it to permeate the deep dark places softens my heart, welcomes the tears, and expands my capacity for living fully.  Savoring beauty often takes my breath away, filling me with wonder and awe. 

Beauty and gratitude help us to see and think about more than all that’s wrong with the world, all that’s hard or painful in our lives.  They remind us that life is full of a vast variety of people, things, and experiences.  We’re not trying to cancel out or deny anything; we’re adding in more of what we might have been missing.  Where we choose to focus our attention affects us. 


“When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.”  Maya Angelou

An Invitation:
Today I invite you to join me in this quest to find moments of beauty and gratitude.  Let’s try it right now.  Wherever you are, whether it’s on the subway or in the most peaceful bedroom sanctuary, look around.   What do you see that’s beautiful?  Take it in – the colors, shapes, texture, scent.  Allow its beauty to lift a smile.  As you sit here, close your eyes and feel into one thing you’re grateful for, no matter how big or small.  Experience what it feels like to fully appreciate something.  Breathe in the feeling of gratitude and allow it to flow through your cells.  What do you notice? 

Take your time and take in as much beauty and gratitude as you like, and then throughout your day be on the lookout for more.  Give thanks.  Appreciate what you find.  Over time, you may just find your experience of life shifting.  Please share your experience with us here!  

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Awareness, Recovery, & Retreat

10/14/2023

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August 31 is International Overdose Awareness Day - all around the world people gather to remember and honor the way too many lives lost to substance-related deaths.  We grieve.  We mourn.  We come together to hope for recovery for those still here. 

This year was my first from the perspective of having lost my son just 5 months earlier - 5 months to the day we cried over his casket to say our final goodbyes to his physical form.  When invited to speak at our local Scotty B Overdose Awareness Day (created by another mother in memory of her beloved son), I didn’t skip a beat as I replied to the full-body goosebump “Yes.”  I didn’t know why or even what I’d say, but I knew it was an authentic yes.  That morning I reached out to several people asking, “What do I even have to offer?  My son didn’t find recovery.  My son died.  How can I offer inspiration or hope?”  I cried.  Big tears.  Lots of tears. I received their encouragement and gathered my thoughts, pulling together a message intended to raise awareness, to share Nate’s story, what I’ve learned over the past 30 years, what I wish I had known, and an appeal for greater kindness and compassion for all people. 

My dear friend, a fellow angel mama, and I started the day at an Overdose Awareness Vigil in a part of the city where the need for compassionate, non-judgmental support and care is immense.  We sat in a circle with people in recovery, people in active use, family members, friends, and allies, and people at dire risk.  We shared pizza and memories of those lost.  We shared what called us to this circle that day.  We learned how to use Naloxone to save a life.  We learned about Overdose Prevention Centers and the critical need for them, and we shared space, time, and life.  It was beautiful.  Heart-touching.  Heart-wrenching, and heart-opening.

From there over to Scotty B Day where I met and visited with people in the recovery community - some of the most authentic, sensitive, creative, beautiful people in the world.  I shared table with my friend, the beautiful writer, Jennifer Collins.  In addition to selling my book, I had care bags to give away for those in need, along with Nate’s cards (which have his picture and the messages “I see you.  You matter.  You are not alone.”  and local resource numbers on them) and Never Use Alone cards.  I watched as one young man picked up Nate’s card and withered into a gut-punching, disbelieving gasp… “No, no, no… tell me it’s not true…”  He had been Nate’s neighbor in supportive housing.  “He was doing well…” his confusion voiced as he took in this news.  Yeah.  He was.  Until he wasn’t.  Awareness awakening. 

After I spoke (you can listen to the talk here), I had the beautiful opportunity to connect with so many open-hearted people.  Parents who wanted to know more about the Invitation to Change, who longed for a different way to be with their loved ones.  Parents who heard our story and committed to being with their young ones differently - to let them be who they are, whether they are 3, 9, 11, or 15.  Parents who had lost kids somewhat guiltily confessing, “I did the whole enabling thing…” because they had gone to their child, supported them, loved them.  I offered a reframe: “Sounds like you loved your kid.  There is no need to apologize for that.  Ever.”  Phew.  Exhale.  No need for shame.  You loved your child, as did I.  Let’s let the stories go, drop this all-too-common cultural narrative, and begin to heal around this loss.  Find our recovery.  Other people I met love people in active use, kids who are on the streets, at great risk; these people are doing what they can to love them well, to support them, while also taking care of themselves.  There’s room for it all.  Awareness. Connection.  You’re not alone.  One tiny moment at a time…it’s enough. 

It was a beautiful, encouraging, uplifting, devastating, heart-opening, heart-wrenching day.  I wobbled away from the podium, away from the space, and met up with my husband to celebrate, debrief, and cry.  I was wrung out and filled up all at once. 

The next day kicked off National Recovery Month.  And, I felt myself slide into a valley.  It had taken a ton of energy to prepare for Overdose Awareness Day, only a little over a month after Nate’s memorial service.  It was time for me to immerse deeply into my own recovery.  After putting myself out there, there was a natural reaction to pull back, go within, hunker down, and restore myself.  You might have experienced something similar in your own life.  Even as I continued to post support and encouragement for the recovery movement, for individual and family recovery, I was heading into a gentle crash and into my next phase of recovery. 

Here's what I know about recovery: it begins within and is a deeply personal journey.  As my friend, Chris’s shirt says, “Recovery is any Positive Action.”  It’s not clear, straightforward, or linear.  It is often painful and painstakingly hard.  Recovery can only be approached and managed one minute at a time.  It requires a leap of faith into the unknown, hoping that the effort will be worth it.  Recovery requires letting go of tried-and-true comfort and survival tactics to find new, less certain ways to be.  It calls us to look at past pain, to open our hearts to grieve what might have been as we lean into what’s here, and step toward what’s possible. 

Recovery calls us inward to reconnect with ourselves – our hearts, our spirits, to touch what’s true and to connect with what’s available to us.  Anything that requires a lot of energy, particularly emotional energy, will invite a period of respite and recovery afterwards.  Awareness.  Can we pay attention to the needs of our body, mind, heart, and spirit and find a way to honor that need? 

The first weeks after Overdose Awareness Day were very uncomfortable as I found myself confronting some dark, haunting questions: What if?  What if I had seen how desperately Nate was spiraling out of control and had insisted he come to dinner with us the night he dropped off the grid?  What if I had invited him to stay with us for the weekend the last time I last saw him, 6 days before he died? Would he still be here?  I suspect this is a natural grief response, grasping for what might have been different.  Not so much blame, but a desperate wish that I had known and had the chance to make different choices.  Recovery calls us to face our shadows in order to move forward, so I met myself there and sunk into the feelings and thoughts that swept through. 

After a couple of weeks in intentional recovery mode, I also added retreat into my life, packing up and getting away from home, from Rochester with all its ghosts and ghostly places.  First I headed off with my husband, Tom, to hole up in a hotel and sleep, read, and write some overdue cards, while he worked. 

Next, we headed off to a massive music festival  where we could easily get lost in the crowd in Louisville, Kentucky.  We savored an evening with Brandi Carlile (I just love her...sigh).  Total anonymity and shared love of a great artist held us in this musical escape.

Then Tom dropped me off at a rustic retreat center in the mountains of western North Carolina for a women’s retreat – my first big social space with mostly unknown women since Nate’s death.  I was welcomed with huge hugs from two loving women, soul sisters I’ve known for almost a decade, women who have answered the call to show up for this deep mama loss.  I found my way to my remote charming cabin by the creek and settled myself into it for a musty nap, the creek offering its gentle natural white noise.  And I bawled.  I let my tears soak my pillow.  I let my body shake as sobs moved through me.  In this quiet space of solitude, I let myself feel the fear of something happening to Tom, and felt the deep awareness of how desperately I need him to be ok, to be safe, to stay alive.  How much I need him.  Period. 

Eventually sleep found me, and after a refreshing rest, I was able to enter retreat tentatively, gingerly, dosing out bits of my current reality as I was able.  Giving myself the gift of my own deep attention and care – what did I need?  Feel? Want?  Following this inquiry, moment by moment, without expectation, without judgment.  Allowing space for the bereaved mother, the open-hearted dancer, the tearful singer, the curious writer, and all the bits of me to be present.  Allowing the silence to deepen my connection to myself.  I let myself be filled up, sharing space and energy with other women, each on her own journey, each in her own space, facing her own longings, fears, awakenings, awareness, and insights as retreat worked on us.  It was healing, cathartic, transformative, and I am deeply grateful for it all. 

As we cycle through life, when we can allow ourselves to follow Awareness, Recovery, and Retreat, we grow.  We evolve.  We let go.  We connect.  We become.  The next iteration of who we are in this moment of life emerges.  We open to what’s possible.  We face hard truths.  We heal.  And then we do it all over again.  Maybe this is all life asks of us.  

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!!    

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
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