Inspired Possibility Blog

Supposed To's

6/23/2022

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

There are SO MANY supposed to’s out there… each of us carries an extensive catalog of them in our minds.

Big days hold so many expectations. So much pressure. Of how things are “supposed to” be or about things you’re “supposed to” do. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. And also, weekends, evenings, vacations, mornings. So many ideas of what should happen, what we should be doing, how we should be behaving - many of them not even conscious, but driving the show anyway. These ideas weigh on us, drive us, lead us to judge ourselves and each other. Have we lived up to the expectations or have we fallen short? Have we nailed it or been a whopping disappointment?

This week has been filled with big days in my world – our anniversary, Father’s Day, my son’s birthday. I’ve had to work to be aware of my “supposed to’s” so that I could let go of them and allow whatever was or whatever we wanted to create to be ok, to be enough.

It has taken conscious effort to accept the reality of some situations. No, I will not get to celebrate my birthday with my son in person this year. My heart aches over that, but it’s just the way it is right now. So, what can I do instead? How can I find a way to celebrate him, me, us, this life, and the years we’ve shared and all that they’ve carried? What will work for me/for us in this reality?

I’ve had to work to choose to give us permission to spend our anniversary and Father’s Day the way we wanted to. It’s ok to share a nice lunch instead of a big fancy dinner. It’s ok to eat in and create a picnic that fits what I want to eat. It’s ok to choose not to do gifts, because we just don’t need anything more. It’s ok to make space to enjoy the day the way WE want – to decide together what works for us, moment by moment. It takes awareness and presence to grant ourselves full permission to do this.

I have had such high hopes for so many special days over the many years of my life. Too often I’ve found myself disappointed or let down when things didn’t measure up. So, is this settling now? No! This is simply letting go of all the conditioning that bears down on me about how anything is “supposed to” be!

These supposed to’s extend beyond these special life moments – they seep into our roles (“good” mother, friend, sister, boss, student). They permeate our ideas of what life is supposed to look like, how our plans are supposed to go, what this life’s trajectory should be like, how recovery should go, what a house is supposed to look like… on and on and on.

Often they lead to disappointment or a sense of failure because they carry the idea that there is ONE way or a RIGHT way to do anything. They close the door on what might be true or right for you in this moment. They limit us.

Slogans, mantras, and pithy sayings can keep us locked in rules given to us or rules we’ve taken on. Often, we don’t stop to examine them. We don’t bother to consider, “Is this still true for me? Does this work with where I am in my current life? Does it fit my present-day thinking? Does it make sense to me?”

Spiritual supposed to’s can keep us spinning with ideas like “I know I should focus on my blessings or on what I’m grateful for. I know I need to just let go and let God. I know I need to accept what is… to surrender. To trust. To have faith in a greater plan. God wouldn’t give me more than what I can handle. Everything happens for a reason. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger…” and on and on these ideas go. Sometimes these help get us through, but sometimes they are a spiritual bypass asking us to jump over a harsh reality. Sometimes we just need to be real. We need to sit in the messiness of human which may not want to hear these things in this moment. Sometimes we need to take a step back and examine these ideas – are they really serving and supporting me in this moment or are they just making me feel worse about what I now judge to be my less-than-ideal behavior?

How to deal with supposed to’s:

Know what yours are. Begin to notice them when they crop up – often as a sneaky force running below the surface of consciousness but very much influencing your experience of life.
Examine them. Get curious. Consider where they came from. Is this an idea someone else imposed upon you that you continue to carry? Is this one helpful or is it limiting your ability to consider other possibilities?
Wonder about them – what do these supposed to’s tell us? They may carry a longing or desire that genuinely comes from the heart. They may reflect a sadness or grief (“it wasn’t supposed to be this way”) that deserves to be acknowledged and honored. They may invite you to sit with what’s been lost.
Decide which ones you will keep and honor when you can and which ones you might be ready to let go of or reframe.
Open yourself to possibility thinking.

Supposed to’s carry a sense of solidity, inflexibility, and certainty (which can be part of their appeal, I suppose). They are constricting, limiting, and often based on the past or past conditioning or other people’s ideas. They shut us down and close us off – keep us looking at the world through blinders. They stop us from questioning, evolving our thinking and being.

On the other hand, possibility thinking comes when we open our hearts and minds to consider what else might be ok. When we face the reality that is here, we can choose consciously how we want to live and be. We can open up and flow in a way that aligns with who we are in this moment – we can breathe in, feel into, lean into what fills us up with delight, satisfaction, or contentment. We can decide what is enough and to go back to last week’s piece on Boundaries, we get to choose what is ok and what isn’t, what we will do and what we won’t do.

When we open up to give ourselves permission to change and grow, we may release some long-held ideas of how things are supposed to go or what life is supposed to look like. We may discover new thinking or consider fresh ideas. We are more willing to consider someone else’s perspective.

When we can open our hearts, listen to the wisdom and knowing our own bodies and hearts, we can begin to live in a way that better suits us. We can find our own way – our own truth – to perhaps model, create, or teach a new possibility for others to consider.

So many supposed to’s… and I haven’t even touched on the health and wellness ones, the how people are expected to behave in any given setting…

What supposed to’s get to you? Are there any you’re ready to let go of, reclaim, or redefine?

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No Pressure. Presence.

5/18/2022

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Right here, right now. This is the only moment I am guaranteed. So, how do I want to live it? Who do I want to be? How do I want to show up? What impact do I want to have on those around me and on some small piece of the world?

(It’s becoming clear why my theme for April’s A to Z Blog Challenge was Question (Almost) Everything! I do love questions and what they open up within us!)

Last week I wrote about Life, Death, and Rebirth as related to what I see happening in the world, particularly in this season of Spring. I wasn’t necessarily thinking about what happens within each one of us.

But, if we are alive, and we are to die (and we aren’t really certain about rebirth, though I have my ideas), how to make this moment, this day count is a powerful, compelling question to sit with. No pressure… simply presence. Awareness. Choice.

Every single one of us knows we will die – that this life will end. And, for whatever reason, we sometimes forget to live with that truth as a guiding light. We act as if we have forever – endless, limitless time.

Your Last Day

What would you do
if you learned you had
one day to live?
No second chance…
this was it.

What changes would you make?
Who would you connect with?
How would you spend your time?
What would you let go of?

Why do we act as if
we have an endless reservoir of time,
so we’ll get to it “some day?”

The truth is, none of us know
when we will leave this earth.
So, why do we wait?
Why are we so out of touch
or careless with our ways
and our days?

We all know we have
limited time here.
Why do we pretend otherwise?
Why wait to forgive,
and love,
and be our full, beautiful selves?

This is so basic
so simple,
so profound,
and so overlooked.

Not wanting to
think about death,
we fail to live
as if life really mattered.

Let’s wake up and begin today
to cherish the people,
the moments,
the perfect expressions of self.
And live as if today,
this moment,
was all we had.

©Barb Klein, 2016 from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

We put things off or we wait for the big dream to come true before we can be happy. We wait til everything is “just right” before we get married, have a baby, move, or retire. We hesitate, feeling not ready until we take one more class, do one more edit, get one more certification. We fail to hit "send" on the manuscript. Sometimes we wait too long. I’ve seen people retire with grand dreams and die very soon after, before they have had a chance to do any of the things they put off.

So, how do we live while we’re here? One thing I learned from my beautiful vibrant friend, Mary Lally, is to “live your f’in life!” Thankfully, she had a doctor who gave her this advice, even when she was living with the uncertainty of advanced stage ovarian cancer in the time of Covid. She knew that this moment is the one we are guaranteed – take it. Show up for it. This is my intention, no matter what the future holds.

To live life doesn’t mean you have to do big or grand things. “Small” things count so much and may constitute the majority of our days.

How do I want to live this day? With love. With joy. With hope. Inviting in new beginnings and fresh possibilities. Open. Grateful. Present. One moment at a time. Letting "good enough" be good enough. No pressure. Just presence. Love. Love for myself, for the people I love, and for life itself, however long it may be.

How about you? How do you want to live this day? Please share. Please live. You matter.

Here’s a little musical invitation from the amazing Pink: The Last Song of Your Life.
And a meditation, if you like, with a reading of "A Mystery" from 111 Invitations - Presence.

Please consider this your invitation to live. Fully. Whatever that looks like and means to you.

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Vision and Vows

4/26/2022

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Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

As we look at V in the #AtoZChallenge, what comes up for me is vision and vows. Not the kind of vows you take when you get married or join a convent, necessarily but vows we may not even be aware we’ve taken.

Vision
Let’s start with vision. Are you a vision or a goal person? Or maybe you like both? Or neither?

I definitely fall in the vision camp, even though I’m a coach, and I know I’m supposed to love goals. Maybe there is a place for each, but more often than not, I find vision more expansive and goals more limiting.

To me a vision comes from the imagination, allowing yourself to dream and consider what might be possible. When I’m forming a vision, I’m considering how I want to feel. I may not have all of the details, but I give myself permission to paint a picture in my mind and feel in my heart what it is that I’m wanting. A vision is something I breathe into as I breathe life into it. It fills me, and I hold it. But, I don’t necessarily “work” at it. I conjure it, and I hold it in my heart. I put it out to the Universe, and I go about my business.

Of course, there are steps I have to take along the way. I can’t just sit on the couch eating bon bons and expect things to materialize, and yet, I’ve also found that it doesn’t necessarily take hard work to bring things into reality.

Real Life Example
I just came across a notebook I had been gifted in 2016 that had space for me to write down a mantra for the year, my top 5 values, a vision statement and a personal and professional mission statement. Then I could record various goals I had, stating why they were important to me, a projected completion date, and an action plan with lots of blocks for steps.

Here’s where I see a distinction between goal and vision. Stating the goal (or thing I desire in my life) and naming why it’s important to me feel like vision. Giving it a projected completion date is a blend of vision (I don’t know, but this seems realistic…) and goal (I will have it completed by ___). The action plan is where we name steps toward achieving that completion date.

The cool thing is as I look back at this book from 6 years ago, the very first goal I didn’t even remember naming at that time was to have a home on a lake. Why? “Because on the water is where I find my greatest peace, align with my spirit, and tap into my highest creativity.” I gave myself a projected date of 2021 – 5 years out. Why? Because the truth was, I thought this was a pipe dream. I wanted it, but I didn’t really think it would ever happen. I thought I was writing and boldly declaring something outlandish. We had NO desire to move again, I didn’t know if my husband was on board, and I didn’t think we could afford it.

So, even my vision was kind of wishy-washy, but I felt the call in my heart and soul, so I let myself put it down anyway.

My action steps (most which were never taken):
1. Begin a savings plan specifically for this goal,
2. Talk to my husband, Tom, to be sure he’s on board, and
3. Create a vision board to bring this dream into reality.

Why is this so cool?
1. Because within a short time I forgot I had even written it down,
2. Because I only took one of those action items (the only one I really needed to which was talk to Tom), and
3. Within a year we were getting our house ready to sell, and 3 months later we had closed on our lake home! “Goal” met 4 years earlier than my wild projection!

It was NOT the home I would have envisioned originally, but it’s a home that supports our life in a wonderful and affordable way. The beautiful thing about vision is there’s room for it to unfold, evolve, and emerge. Had I set a goal, we might not be in this place because I wouldn’t have found the home that checked all of the boxes I thought I wanted.

Which brings us to Vows…
I first considered vows in the way I now understand them when I was taking the Now What?® Coaching training with Laura Berman Fortgang back in 2013. We created a brief life history, and Laura invited us to notice any vows we may have made that were still driving our decisions and behaviors.

Vows sound like “I will NEVER be, do, feel…” They may have worked for a while, but because they are a reaction to the past, they may no longer serve us. They operate subconsciously, so until we take the time to see them, they may actually impede the life we want. When we can see and name them, we become free to choose – do I still want this force dictating my choices?

Some common vows:
“I will never be like my father.” “I will never be poor.” “I will show them! Prove what I’m made of!” “I will never be a statistic!” “I will be the best mom ever and my kids will be my everything!” “I will change the world!”

If there’s a vow that requires you to prove something, it may drive you to work harder, gather more degrees or credentials, and achieve beyond what you really want or need.

Vows may wear you down as you allow yourself to be silently and unknowingly driven by the past. And vows can get in the way of your vision.

If my vow had been “I will ONLY live in a house that’s ____ size on ____ lake and it will have X, Y, and Z” I’d probably still be back in my suburban home with my miserable neighbor, where I would have been very sad riding out the pandemic.

Maybe I wouldn’t have even let myself look at anything that didn’t fit predefined narrow parameters. There would have been no room to play with possibilities that eventually carried us across hundreds of miles to at least 5 different lakes, looking at homes of all sizes in all conditions. We would never have considered our current home.

Your turn:
What visions do you hold, personally and professionally?
Do you see any vows that are alive and well that might not be serving you very well?

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Unknown and Uncertainty

4/25/2022

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Sitting with these ideas for today’s #AtoZChallenge. We live in a world of uncertainty, and we are always stepping into the unknown, individually and collectively. Depending on what that unknown is can fill us with excitement or anxiety, hope or dread.

Sometimes it’s clear that we are in a state of transition – leaving a job or relationship, graduating college, getting married, moving across the country, having a baby… in these cases, we know we are leaving behind a familiar life to enter into a new one. What we don’t always see so readily is that we are always in transition. Our bodies, our reality, our relationships, minds and ideas are continually morphing and evolving.

Other people fill us with their fears, worries, or faith, which may or may not be helpful. Each of us is living in the unknown, uncertain of what’s to come. Most of us don’t like to admit or accept that. So, we do what we can to control, to create some level of imagined certainty.

We make decisions and choices, take actions trying to ensure the outcome we desire, unwilling to admit we can only take the next best step for the best chance of the things we hope for. There is freedom in accepting that truth.

The only things that are known or certain are those things that have already happened.

And, so, what keeps us going? Why do we continue to show up? I guess because the unknown also offers the possibility of things beyond our imagination. Our negativity bias causes us to focus on what could go wrong, but at the same time our spirit and soul call us to what could be wonderful or amazing.

Knowing is actually way less interesting than we admit. Who would watch a multi-hour sports event or movie if they knew how it was going to end? (Well, unless, like me, you’ve seen it before and you don’t remember or you don’t care because the story is so enthralling!).

We spend hours of worry about how our lives or our loved ones’ lives will go. We humans are fascinating! Playing this game of strategy and faith, effort and flow, making moves, taking chances, riding on hope. And, there it is again, that mighty force that some call weak.

Hope encourages us, supports us to say yes to the proposal, to take the stage, to leave the toxic relationship and head out on our own. To put down the drink or drug that has consistently brought comfort to see if there might be a better life without it. The hope that tomorrow will be a better day nudges us forward. Something has to push us, pull us to leave the known and risk the vast uncertainty of the unknown. To wake up and step into a new day and see where it takes you.

“When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.”
― Patrick Overton, The leaning tree

My favorite days are “Let’s see where the spirit takes us” days. Days with absolutely no plans, and where we let go of control, just checking in moment by moment to see what we’d like to do. What we want to eat? Is this a time to rest, read, or go for a walk? What adventure calls to our hearts? What might be fun? What would feel comforting and nourishing?

To find the ability to flow with it, gently, sweetly, one moment at a time. Not needing an agenda. Not needing to know. It can be uncomfortable, but it can also be wonderfully delightful when I pause and listen within, feel into the longing of my heart and soul, let go of the worry of wasted time.

This is where I sit right now. Is this a day to relax and write? To bake? To go to a movie? In the sweetness of no schedule, I don’t know. And, I am savoring the unknown. It gives me permission to decide, to choose, to see… These are my favorite days. The ones not dictated by meetings, classes, work, commitments, or appointments. They are a rare gift in a busy world. “Seizing” this day does not mean it has to be productive or anything other than what it is. It only asks me to show up and be with it, as it is, as it unfolds.

And, yet, feeling the uncertainty of our future, having just watched the memorial video of a young man gone too son, compels me to invite us all to live a life we will remember. To love openly, to care deeply, to hug our people, to capture memories, and make new ones. This life is so precious because of its uncertainty. We don’t have to strive to make things happen, but we don’t want to miss what’s here.

What grounds you as you find yourself swirling in the midst of uncertainty? What helps you stay steady as you step into the great unknown? What practices do you have that hold you most reliably when times are tough? For me, meditation, morning pages, yoga, getting outdoors in the beauty of nature bring me home, and connecting with those I love is critical.

What does it mean to you to live a life you will remember? What’s calling you? What feels most meaningful and important these days? Has that changed over the years? I know, for me, I have little desire to go back to how I used to be when I was much younger. And I do long to step into my next chapter from a place of purpose and joy.

A few recommendations and invitations for you:
Katrina Kenison writes beautifully about life and its various stages, looking at transitions and life changes. I have recently finished Magical Journey: An Apprenticeship in Contentment, a beautiful book for women in midlife, changing roles and relationships with growing children, finding themselves again after career and parenting change. I highly recommend this as well as The Gift of an Ordinary Day: A Mother’s Memoir of Letting Go. Both books and her blogs, which are beautiful and thought-provoking, call us to be present to the everyday moments as our lives and relationships grow, evolve, and become their next version.

Here are a couple of musical accompaniments for this life journey:
The Nights by Avicii – “Live a life you will remember!”
I Did It All by Vince Myers

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Striving, Success, and Sustainability

4/22/2022

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Seems a lot of people begin their adult lives striving… working hard, trying to achieve something. For many there’s a vague sense of what they’re aiming for, and for others there’s a very clear end goal in mind. And, so the climb begins… striving, driving, pushing to achieve, to prove, to feel worthy.

We may be following a dream or course set out for us by someone else – our parents, teachers, or other adults who thought they knew what was best or right for us. Things might look great and we feel like we’re checking all the boxes. And then, at some point we may find ourselves unhappy, dissatisfied, even if things look great on the outside.

Somewhere along the way, many of us hit a point of wondering what the heck we’re doing. Feeling like the goals we had set don’t matter as much any longer, whether we’ve reached them or not. We begin questioning what really matters. Is it having a 6 or 7 figure salary? The fancy car? The prestigious title or position? Who are we trying to impress and what are we trying to prove?

So, we begin to look at the pace we’ve been going at and find that it’s just not sustainable. In order to see if what you’re doing is sustainable, take a moment and get really honest about your energy, resources, reserves, and sense of enjoyment and fulfillment. You may discover you don’t want to keep going the way you have been for decades. If that’s the case, it’s time to start looking for what brings a sense of contentment, peace, and joy.

Each one of us gets to define what success is for us. How is it measured and how will you know if you’ve arrived? What will a successful life look like? How will you be spending your time? Who will you be with? What does an ideal day look like in a successful life (for you)?

Asking these questions can free us from staying on a path that no longer makes sense. It allows us to lean into our own values and priorities and create our reality with these as our guiding forces.

One friend says “Hey, we only get so many heartbeats…” True and that number is unknown. But each day we can decide where we allow those heartbeats to take us. What we do know it that “finitude” is certain. This life will end. When you are looking back over your days, how will you feel about the way you have spent them?

The Dash Poem
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
From the beginning...to the end

He noted that first came the date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
Know what that little line is worth

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering this special dash
Might only last a little while

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent YOUR dash?

As you reflect on your life and how you’re spending your time, energy, and resources today, are you content? If not, what changes do you want to make?

As you look ahead to the rest of your life, how do you want to feel? What impact do you want to have made? What do you need to do now so that you don’t burn out before you get there?

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G is for Good Enough

4/8/2022

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So, let me preface this post by telling you I was raised by a man who taught me never to settle. If I got an A, it was “Why wasn’t it an A+?” I truly think he believed something horrible would happen if we let down, relaxed, or didn’t push ourselves as hard as we could. The conditioning runs deep. It felt like nothing would ever be good enough.

Operating from this viewpoint can lead us to live in a way that isn’t sustainable and is very rarely satisfying. You always feel like there’s something more to achieve or prove. You keep raising the bar on yourself, not even pausing long enough to notice what you have accomplished. Always striving, driving, and pushing…

To get to a point of adulthood and realizing that I get to decide what’s good enough has taken some work!

I remember hearing “Good is good enough” in 2014 at my first women’s retreat with Renee Trudeau. It caused me to pause. What does that even mean? I see the freedom from perfectionism it offers, but how do you get to a place of peace within yourself? How do you define for yourself what IS good? And, how do you really know if it is enough?

As a young married woman and mom, I was often embarrassed to have people come into the house because it wasn’t clean enough or decorated well enough or picked up enough, and so I didn’t invite people over unless they were already good friends. I couldn’t meet the idealized standard that I had set for myself and so I just denied myself company, fearing judgment that would likely not have been as harsh as my own.

I judged myself critically in parenting and work – always looking toward some invisible, undefinable, and probably unachievable objective. Until at some point in the past few years I stopped doing that (as much). I'm a work in progress and often need other people to help me see how hard I am on myself.

In her book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate, and Re-Balance Your Life, Renee Trudeau has an entire chapter devoted to this idea that “Good is Good Enough!” (By the way, where was this book when I was a young mother?? I didn’t find it or her until I was almost 50! Could have used a healthy dose of that much earlier in my parenting!). In this section, Renee says, “Part of being able to relax into a mentality of ‘good is good enough’ is understanding where your priorities lie. We have a finite amount of energy to devote to what’s really important to us.” So true!

As you look at your own life, are you allocating your energy according to what’s most important to you or are there things that are taking your time, resources, and energy that really don’t deserve it? It’s worth a moment to take an honest assessment and see what you notice. Then adjust as necessary. If relationships are a top value but most of your time is spent on cleaning or work, where might you change things up?

Where in your life would you like to play with the idea that “good is good enough” and allow yourself a little more grace? Can you lower the bar for yourself instead of continually raising it? I've also learned that "done is better than perfect," which helps me to keep going with things like this challenge!

We are often our own harshest critics, demanding more than is reasonable from our human selves. When you notice yourself treating yourself this way, can you bring in some self-compassion, gentleness, and kindness? Permission to let go of striving for unattainable perfection! Permission to stop pushing so hard and to relax and enjoy this one precious life (not that you need my permission!).

Side note... I find it fascinating that when I first tried, this post wouldn't let me schedule it, but posted immediately. Then I realized I had entered the date wrong! Hmmm... good is good enough, I guess. 😂

What do you think? #AtoZChallenge – Question (Almost) Everything

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What Defines You?

4/5/2022

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From the moment we are born as perfect beings, we begin trying to make sense of our world. We figure out where we belong and what behaviors work in our favor and which ones maybe not so much…

We begin to identify ourselves based on our experiences in life and who others tell us we are. As we do this, we begin to lose touch with our innate sense of self. Labels are assigned to us – “sweet, silly, bad, smart, pretty, bossy, spoiled, creative, independent…” and we accept them, integrating them into our ideas about who we are. There are values we live by, and we become known to be trustworthy, kind, loving, or honest.

We accumulate life experiences that add to our self-perception – athletic, a champion, a child of divorce, a victim of abuse. We identify with certain groups. We’re empty nesters, snow birds, people in long-term recovery, retirees, widows and widowers. We’re yogis and meditators, Christians, Buddhists, Liberals or Conservatives. We may feel respected or dismissed based on our productivity, successes, failures, or for our wealth and material possessions (or lack thereof).

Over and over again people in our world are informing how we see ourselves. As you read some of the words I’ve offered, did you have a reaction? Do they conjure an image or an opinion almost automatically?

We take on roles – friend, sister, mother, attorney, teacher, therapist, nurse. These identities carry with them pictures and expectations. We build stories about what they say about who we are as a human being. What our tendencies and characteristics are. We begin to see ourselves through these lenses. We behave as if this is who we really are.

When something pervasive enters our lives, like having a child with disabilities or a teen who struggles with addiction, it can become all-consuming and feel like the entirety of our world. At times it requires all of our time, energy, and resources. And so, we lose bits of ourselves – the carefree, playful, easy-going, spontaneous parts. The creative artist or actor may need to take a back seat. Life is serious business, and so we show up in the way that is required.

Sometimes we receive physical and mental health diagnoses, and we become someone who struggles with depression, fibromyalgia, or someone living with diabetes or a cancer survivor.

There are many ideas we take on about ourselves over the years that become woven into our unconscious identity. When we take the time to reflect and get in touch with ourselves at a deeper level… when we begin to question some of the assumptions about who we are and what our life is all about, we may see a broader picture. We may have lost sight of the reality that our life is a rich tapestry of many, many parts and experiences. We may begin to see that we are continually growing, learning, evolving, and becoming. Stepping into the next version of ourselves.

Take a pause now and think about the identities that make up who you are in this moment. What defines you and your reality? How do you feel about that? Anything you’d like to consider from a different perspective? Where might you be holding yourself back with a limiting view of who you are? What pieces of you have been forgotten or hidden away over the years? Are any of them longing to come out and express? Who are you becoming? As you look at yourself and your life right now, what’s defining you?

“Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.”
― Harvey Fierstein

What do you want to claim as who you are? What old stories do you want to let go of? How might your life change when you do?

We do not have to be defined by our best or worst moments. Going back to yesterday’s post about Change, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer

I wonder what is possible when we begin to look at ourselves with fresh eyes.

What other thoughts do you have about how we define ourselves? What did I forget? #AtoZChallenge

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Bodies, Bumps, and Bulges (Oh My!)

4/2/2022

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The questions that come up for me as I think about bodies and how we relate to our own and others are numerous… Why are some bumps and bulges good (and to be highlighted, enhanced, pumped up, and shown off) and some bad (to be squeezed to death, hidden away in shame, or to feel embarrassed about or apologize for).

As I walked along the beach in Hilton Head, I took a scientific stance… observing and taking mental notes about this topic. Please know these are not my own ideas or judgments, though I surely have been conditioned to believe some of them.

As I share them, I invite, beg, plead with you to question each and every one of them… let’s break these ideas and find a kinder, gentler way of compassion, acceptance, and appreciation!

But, from a simplistic observation, here’s what the common understandings and agreements seem to be:

boob bulges are good, show them off…
belly bulges (at least on women) bad,
butt bulges good – bring on the thongs and let those cheeks out! (unless you’re old, and then, please get the skirt suit!)
thigh bulges gross, especially if they also happen to be dimply and then they should be suctioned
lip bulges good and maybe they should even be injected

And, so I’m confused. So much of this depends on age and gender identity. Kid bellies are adorable! Pregnant bellies are adorned and adored. Guys can pat their beer bellies and chuckle…

Yet, most of the time, women better cover up any extra lumps or bulges. Or squeeze the life out of them – have you ever tried these torture devices meant to contain a body that wants to flop around? No thank you!

There are also cultural preferences. If I had been born in a different place and time, there are certainly other characteristics I’d be judged for and longing for. Which would suggest there is no right or wrong body, wouldn’t it? That maybe we could let go of these ideas of too big, too small, too grey, too wrinkly, saggy, or bulgy… Wouldn’t that be amazing!?

And so, I find myself wondering… when did I learn to judge every bit of this body of mine and who taught me to hate the belly I now have and wish for the flat one that was here when I was 20. Why do I think it’s reasonable to expect this body that has carried me for almost 6 decades, birthed and fed two babies and then cared for them as they grew, held the stress of the terrifying and uncertain times… to look like it did in the days of my youth?

Who taught me the numbers on the scale would lead to a good or bad day? That buying a pair of pants with a certain number on the tag was to be dreaded and avoided? That I should count calories or points? Deprive myself or push myself to try to sculpt a certain desired (and possibly unattainable) shape? Think that I should look like the woman over there who’s built entirely different from me? Believe that she’s more desirable because she fits some preconceived norm?

What would it be like to truly act in a loving and kind way toward this body that is the only one I have in its current iteration? What would it be like to not look at myself in the mirror or in a photo and name something that I hate about so many bits of me? What would it be like to move through a day without excessive thoughts about how I look or how others see me, about what or how much I should or shouldn’t eat?

What if, instead, we could honor the body that we have. The one that’s lived through whatever it’s lived through in this life? What if, we could accept that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and appreciate this diversity among us?

I recently joined an Intuitive Eating program and was horrified to see how often my thoughts go to food, body, or weight, more often than not in an unkind and judgmental way. I am not a person who has gone from diet to diet throughout my life or who deprives myself of the pleasure of the food I enjoy. BUT, what I have noticed is the pervasive thoughts that I should be doing it differently. Even as I’m eating something delicious, the narrative, “Oh, you’re being BAD” is running…

In this moment, I’m really not liking what I see when I look in the mirror or what I feel when I put on my clothes. Not usually a fan of “fake it til you make it,” I’m trying to do that with this idea of meeting myself where I am. I’m even wearing a shirt that says “Be Kind” while the thoughts running through my mind are anything but. And, I want to make some changes (but clearly not badly enough). I want to do that from a kind place, with gentleness and compassion. Harsh and cruel aren’t the way.

I find myself now in a place of simply trying to be ok with the body I have so that I can work with it. Trying to establish a genuinely trusting and loving relationship with this vessel that houses me so that I can know when it’s hungry or full, what will truly be nourishing in this moment. When it needs rest and when it needs to move. What works for it, today, in this reality of who I am?

It’s not easy in a world where the cultural messaging is strong and omnipresent… and damaging. Ideas about body image are intense, and they keep us from liking or loving ourselves. They lead us to do things to our bodies that are harmful.

Going back to my A post about Answers – I wish someone had taught each of us to find our own way, to be ok with who we are, and to respect the differences among us.

Are you at peace with your body?

If so, I’m really happy for you! Please let us know how you’ve gotten to this point. How have you worked with your mind and heart along the way to feel ok, good, or great about how you look and feel? I’m very much a novice and work in progress in this area.

I’m going to begin with sending loving kindness to each part of my body, intentionally appreciating them for what they do for me… these (big) feet and legs for carrying me through my days, this (big) belly for housing all the digestive organs that nourish and fuel me, that brought two babies into this world, …

OK, OK, that was a rough start… I’ll go back and take out the judgment and begin again with a genuine loving offering to my feet, my legs, my heart, my internal organs, my brain, arms, and hands, my eyes and ears… there are so many miracles here. Let me pause to appreciate that just for a minute. Seriously…
Here's a recording to Loving Kindness for the Body meditation if you'd like to join me.

This post sent me into quite a spiral after writing it. How about you? What does it bring up? Share in the comments below and let's learn and grow together! #AtoZchallenge

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A... Answers

4/1/2022

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Wait! What? I thought this was about questions! Well, it is... but asking questions implies that there will be answers, doesn't it!? We ask questions because we want answers… and, if we’re honest, we crave answers!

So, let's begin here. It's important to set the stage and your expectations for what this journey will involve. Spoiler alert... no answers (at least not from me)! Why not? Because my hope here is to get you wondering, thinking, contemplating. Getting clear on what resonates for you and feels true to you. I want to invite you to a place of sitting with your own questions as you read (and journal along with me if you feel so inclined!).

I love and appreciate any teachings that ask us to discern for ourselves what is true – not to take anyone’s word for it or to buy into something until we have tested it out for ourselves. I highly encourage that! So, please, as I offer out ideas and ramblings, feel into them and find what lands for you.

Here we go with Day 1 of the A to Z blogging challenge with my chosen theme of Question (Almost) Everything! Thank you so much for coming along for the ride!!

As I think about answers, I notice a few things. I am aware of different types of questions – questions of agony that can feel judgmental, self-critical, harsh, or victimy; questions of hope and excitement that hold the energy of wonder and delight along with perhaps a little nervousness; questions of anticipation that hold an eager or impatient energy; questions of true curiosity, of genuine interest or desire to know more, without agenda. I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones that rise up in this moment. Oh, questions of “should” and of “right and wrong” are another powerful and predominant group.

What kind of questions do you find yourself sitting with regularly? What answers do you long for?

A couple of beliefs about answers rise up:
1. Answers are "out there," and
2. Answers lie within

So, let's look at them one at a time.

Answers are "out there" is something I've believed on some level most of my life. That someone, something, other than me knows what is best for me. I've had to work really hard over the years to get to a point of trusting myself. My first inclination is still to look for a book (or as many books as I can find) for any situation I'm facing. And, yet, this idea that the answer is somewhere out there has also led to a lot of pain and confusion.

As a youngish new mother, I didn't know how to trust myself. I remember distinctly reading all the "What to Expect" books as my bibles throughout pregnancy, infancy, and toddler years - they were pretty helpful in terms of normalizing stuff I'd never encountered before. And, then, for some reason those books drop you and leave you hanging! Where is the "What to Expect in the Teen Years?" Or "What to Expect when Addiction Enters Your Home?" Seriously lacking, folks!!

When my first son was just a baby, I remember feeling so lost and confused... one book is telling me to let him cry it out, even though it's ripping our hearts to shreds to do so... another says pick them up whenever they cry (didn’t love that answer either because we were exhausted)... another, "don't spoil your child..." It would be nice if the “experts” could at least agree! In those early days of sleep deprivation and feeling like aliens on foreign terrain, we desperately wanted anyone to just tell us what to do! At least that’s how it felt in that moment and in most moments of panic and fear.

But, actually, as I look back, what I really wish was that someone had reassured me that we would find our own way, our own rhythm that worked for us as a couple and as a family, based on who this little one was. Really...

Starting a business, becoming a coach, there are plenty of people ready and willing to tell you how you're supposed to do things - what's right, what's wrong - how to earn 6 figures in 3 days! Give me a break! But I still have to pause to resist the temptation of the bright shiny course. It's an effort for me to lean into finding my own way to do things and letting that be ok. The programming that suggests there is a right or wrong way to do things runs strong through my veins.

More often than not, I have to remind myself that yes, there are plenty of answers "out there,” but I don't have to buy into any that don't ring true for me.

There are plenty of people all too happy to tell you what you "should" do... very few who encourage you to stop and decide for yourself.

So, let's go on to Answers Lie Within...
This idea is one I very much believe. I trust that each of us is the expert in our own life and that when we are able to find the way, we can lean into our own knowing and trust.

I also know that that’s not always a reassuring stance either, because as lost and confused humans, sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier if someone would just tell me!!

So, my closing thoughts on this are we want answers, but we really don’t want someone else to tell us what to do, except when we’re feeling most lost and confused. Even then, deep down, if it doesn’t resonate with our heart and soul, I think we feel the dissonance. I also think that more often than not when people start telling us what to do, we naturally begin to shut down. We feel the disconnect from our own wisdom and knowing. We feel the pain of not being seen and heard. We wish someone would just tell us to find our way.

What are your thoughts about questions and answers? Please share your wisdom in the comments below! #AtoZchallenge

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Let Me Not Miss This Day...

3/16/2022

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I'm writing this on Tuesday, March 8th and this is what the beach was like on this beautiful morning… sunny, warm, blue sky with a dappling of puffy clouds, children squealing with delight as they race into the waves, dogs bounding happily into the whitecaps chasing balls, people biking, walking, sitting or lying on their towels… there's a sense of ease and delight in this space. Yesterday was supposed to be our last nice day before we head back home - the rains were supposed to begin today, but they didn't! Somehow we were granted one more bonus day of natural gorgeousness and blissfully I had absolutely nothing on my schedule til this evening!

So as I reflected on my intention for the day, what came to me was “Let me not miss this day.” Too many times I've missed a day - swept up in fear, worry, regret or anticipation. Anything that carries me into the future, into the past, or into another part of the world takes me away from fully being right here, right now. And so, in an effort to slow the ticking of time, I intend to not miss this day.

Tears came as I felt the sadness of leaving which is coming too soon. Even though it's been a long time already and even though there are good reasons to want to get back home, I am already mourning the transition that is coming. I'm already packing in my mind, beginning the drive, anticipating the travel… but that's not here.

Again, I pause and catch myself. I don't want to miss this day, so I'll remember that I am still here right now. We don't leave for another 5 days. I have time. It just doesn't feel like it. But, I do. There is time to slow down. To breathe in the salt air. To soak in the sun. To love the feeling of soft sand on my bare feet. To smile at the simple joy all around me on the beach. To enjoy one more dinner with my love (in fact, the restaurant that I had tried to call several times to make a reservation just called me back because they had missed my calls! What!? Who does that?? We have a lovely waterfront dinner planned for this evening! That was bonus!!)

I am savoring the sweetness of this day, even though I am also doing laundry and dishes. Those tasks don't take away from the time at the pool or the refreshing breeze off the ocean. As I choose to sit and meditate and write, I am taking in the golf course out my window, the tropical-themed bedspread I am sitting upon. I am drinking in this space as if I could carry it home with me somehow. Longing for my skin to be able to absorb enough warmth to hold me until Spring finally arrives up North, even though I know that's not possible.

Returning to here. Now. This moment. This breath. Don't let me miss this day thinking ahead to North. Right now I am still here in the South. How easy it is to drift away before I've even had a chance to catch myself.

Wishing you a day that you too can savor and be present with. Give yourself to it, and allow it to fill you. What gifts does it offer? What sweetness? Please, don't miss this day.

This week's meditation is Let Me Not Miss This Day, and it includes a reading of “This Pure, Precious Moment” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life. May it support you in coming into presence for a few minutes this day.

Seeking your input! Blogging A-to-Z Challenge: Looking ahead to April, I think I am going to take on the Blogging A to Z Challenge (which I'm still figuring out)! What that means is that every day except Sundays, I will post a theme-related blog based on the letter of the day. Feels like a fun way to stretch my writing!

The theme I'm considering is inspired by Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved. I thought it might be fun to live into some questions – to look at our conditioning, the stories and beliefs we’ve bought into and why we believe these things. Who taught us to believe this, where and when did we pick up this idea, and what might we choose instead?

So, what’s the theme? Conditioning? Discernment? Breaking down beliefs? I’m not sure, but I think this could be a good one for me given the way I tend to think in questions more than answers! What do you think? What questions do you have that I might explore? What conditioning are you curious about? What belief, cultural narrative, or platitude drives you crazy? Send me a note and let me know, please! I'll need some help coming up with something for every letter!

The blogs will be posted on here on this blog and will only be emailed to people who choose to receive them (you can email me to let me know if you'd like to be added to this list).

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Supposed To's

No Pressure. Presence.

Vision and Vows

Unknown and Uncertainty

Striving, Success, and Sustainability

G is for Good Enough

What Defines You?

Bodies, Bumps, and Bulges (Oh My!)

A... Answers

Let Me Not Miss This Day...

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