Inspired Possibility Blog

Slow it All Down... Even when Times are Urgent

3/14/2025

“The times are urgent. Let us slow down.” – Báyò Akómoláfé

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” —Viktor Frankl

Image by kewl from Pixabay

In these urgent times, what if the most essential thing we can do is slow it all down? Claim the space that Frankl speaks of – the space where power to choose lies. Taking The Pause is the basis for everything else – for tending well to yourself, building relationships, acting mindfully, and creating the life and world you want to live in. Pausing, slowing down, is incredibly powerful, but not easy. Slowing things down requires you to break the pattern of reactivity which may have led to trouble in the past. Pausing helps you establish new patterns and attunes you to your wisdom, your values, while giving access to deeper clarity and insight. Without slowing down, it’s easy to get caught up in our stories, feelings, and fears. So easy! I do it on a regular basis.

Slowing down grounds us in this moment. We can face what’s here and come to grips with this moment’s reality: “Here we are…” - a moment of reckoning that might be missed if you’re hellbent on getting to the next thing or swept up in an emotional tidal wave. Too often, noticing here we are is followed in a nano-second by, “so what do we do now?” The mind desperately wants to seize control of the situation, to fix things, to solve a problem. Sometimes that’s warranted and appropriate and other times we need time – to feel, to settle, to open our heart and mind. The Pause gives you space for all of that and allows insights and ideas to emerge.

“Do you have the patience to wait
Till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
Till the right action arises by itself?”
― Lao tzu

When the world’s on fire or you have a child who’s struggling, the suggestion to wait, to remain unmoving can feel laughable, impossible, irresponsible. Your whole being screams “There is no time to wait! This is a crisis!”

And yet, there is very little that doesn’t benefit from slowing down and taking a pause, be it for three breaths, three hours, or thirty days. Unless there is fire raging or blood gushing in front of you now (which I doubt there is or you wouldn’t be reading these words), you likely can grant yourself and the situation a little time and space.

You can move more effectively after taking time to quiet down, re-set, and feel what is here. Stepping out of the fray allows you to question your thinking while you listen and receive wisdom, insight, guidance, and even a renewed energy to face what’s next. The right action may arise when you’re not so constricted in fear, trying to force a decision.

Without taking the pause, we find ourselves in reactive, fearful, conditioned, and habitual ways of behaving, and we may act prematurely without thinking things through. If, instead, we allow the mind to settle, we will see more clearly, feel what’s ours to do when the time is right, and begin to get curious about what’s needed or wanted. The fear, anger, and sadness don't necessarily go away, but the pause has given you time to check in with yourself and to find the wisdom in these feelings. To get grounded. To hear what’s true for you, rather than jump to comply or please others. It’s one way to avoid over-extending yourself.

Pausing is the essence of care, compassion, respect, and curiosity. The pause broadens our lens to see the bigger picture – all that’s here, including whatever feels problematic, and also beauty and goodness. Pause expands our thinking and opens up space for different ideas to emerge. Pausing isn’t the same as strategizing or plotting how to control or overpower a situation, but rather a break to open up to possibilities that may currently be hidden from view.

So, what does it look like to slow down or pause?

In the midst of traffic or in an argument, rather than overheating or exploding, the pause could be as simple as mindfully taking a few deep breaths to calm yourself down rather than laying on the horn or yelling back
Upon hearing disturbing news for the umpteenth time in an hour, you might go for a walk and then come back to read the insights of someone you trust to help you decide what action, if any, you would like to take. You begin to discern what’s yours to do, what you have the capacity for, as you accept the reality that none of us can save the whole world by ourselves.
Slowing down may mean we talk something through with a trusted friend or counselor before making a move.
In a time of overwhelm, exhaustion, or conflict, you might give yourself a loving timeout, not as a punishment, but as a gift to all. Taking yourself to your room or out for a walk or drive as a chance to reset, re-ground, calm racing thoughts or heart so you don’t say or do something you’ll regret later
In response to a relationship that’s wearing you down, you might choose to take a longer break and not engage for a number of days or weeks
A healthy pause could be mindfully deciding to take social media off your phone so that it’s not so easy to find yourself doom-scrolling in every empty moment

When I slow down I feel more open, more expansive, more inclusive. My mind stops its incessant racing and fretting. I breathe more steadily. I find my ground, feeling the solidity of the earth holding me. I see and hear things in my environment – I don’t rush over the bridge, missing the sea turtle lounging in the murky water. I notice angels in the clouds. I revel at the beauty, mystery, and magnificence of the everyday miracles of sunrise and sunset. I breathe again. And again. And again. Until I can feel the choices that are mine to make and discern which one is right for this moment. I find the strength and inner guidance to choose rather than giving in to the shouting of others about what I have to do. I feel my pain, anger, fear. I cry the tears that have been held in too long. And gradually, because everything is always shifting, my mood and my energy shift too and I am able to take my next step. From here, I can show up to life more like the person I want to be. I catch myself the next time I've sped up and gotten caught in a reactivity loop, regroup, and begin again.

When I don’t slow down people could get hurt – I whack my head on a doorknob because I was moving too quickly and not paying attention, or I bite someone’s head off because I'm overwhelmed. I react rather than respond, and I’m much less likely to be the person I want to be. I miss out on all that’s here, tightly focused on only what’s wrong or scary, even when I’m with people I love in a safe, comfortable environment. My mind can carry me away and hold me hostage with it’s beliefs, thoughts, and opinions about what’s going on and what should be. I amp myself up in a frenzied, reactive state. I lose sleep. I eat crap, seeking comfort from chips and ice cream. It’s not good for me or anyone or anything when I’m swept up in chaotic energy.

This message to slow down is one that Love gives me regularly (when I take the time to ask and record her response). Here’s one of her messages from just the other day when I found myself rapidly spiraling: “Slow it down. Bring it in. What is within your reach? What can you do that will help settle you? Stay off social media today – all day. Organize your piles. Get outdoors and breathe fresh air. Watch the ocean. Listen to the birds. Take the time you have to savor the time you have. Stop trying to put out fires everywhere. Breathe. A lot. Pause and breathe. You need the oxygen. Trust me – your brain will thank you. Laugh. Love fiercely. Nothing can stop your ability to laugh and love. Calm it down. Bring it in, and love on yourself. Fiercely love.” (you can see more about my practice of interacting with Love and inviting in this wisdom in Love’s Wishes)

Your thoughts?
How does this land with you? Helpful? Annoying? Ridiculous?
What works for you? How do you slow things down?
How and when would the mighty pause benefit you?
How can this idea help you be who you want to be and how you want to engage with life?

Maybe we can’t save the world, but we can support our presence to be of benefit to it.
Who do you want to be and how do you want to show up? Good guiding questions in a life that feels out of control.

And a song to speak to your heart... We don't Know We're Living

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Anger & Fear

2/15/2025

4 Comments

“Anger is sadness’s bodyguard,” Paul Denniston said recently in a Grief Yoga® class. I heard it. It stayed with me. And, in my mind, it became, “anger is fear’s bodyguard.” As someone who has always been afraid of anger and what might blow up if it was unleashed, I’m wondering if maybe I’m even more afraid of the tender bits of fear and sadness.

I can see now I was angry with Nate so often because I was too afraid to feel my fear. What would I have had to feel if I had softened and removed the protective armor of anger? Would I become weak, at risk? As a toddler, I had big temper tantrums. I’ve had a few as an adult too – when they come it’s always out of a place of feeling trapped, wanting to jump out of my skin. When I was a kid, none of the “negative” emotions were allowed. I could only hold them for so long before things blew up. At other times I’ve experienced depression - maybe an implosion from emotions stuffed away for too long?

Fear and sadness are vulnerable, exposing. It’s risky to express them or even give them voice in my own mind. Sometimes I withhold my sadness and fear for fear of infecting others, which leaves me carrying the weight alone. That sucks! And so, I’m likely to try to talk myself out of those feelings. Which I know isn’t helpful or healthy.

One of the things I love about my meditation practice is its inclusivity. As we sit with our breath, we don’t push anything away. Thoughts come and go, sometimes taking us with them until we wake up and bring ourselves back to the breath. Emotions move through, but nothing needs to be denied, ignored, or pushed away. In welcoming them all, they have room to breathe and space to be. They don’t need to escalate to get our attention. As we relax with them a bit, they too relax.

In my grief I’ve become far more comfortable with sadness because I know it’s understandable, rational. No one’s going to tell me I’m crazy for feeling sad. My son died, for heaven’s sake!

But fear? Seems like lots of people want to question my fear or tell me I’m being ridiculous, I’ve been lied to, it’s not going to be as bad as I think… As those messages trickle in, a little voice inside of me joins in. Self-doubt arises, despite the evidence I have that my fear is warranted.

Fear needs a place to express – to not be gaslit into oblivion! Can we gaslight ourselves? Seems we can.

Fear is real and reasonable. Please spare me the “False Evidence Appearing Real” bypass! It’s deeply offensive when people are facing indisputable threats to their well-being.

Fear tells us to pay attention – to check things out. To be discerning. It’s a built-in survival mechanism that alerts us when something is “off.”

Maybe if we turned toward our fear and befriended it, it ‘ll visit at times and take a rest at times, leaving us alone to rest. If we push it away, ignore it, or slam the door in its tender little face, it only grows stronger and nags more. It’s here. It’s part of me and for the rest of my life, it will show up at different times in varying ways.

When I deny my fear, it comes out sideways, in snarky comments, or bigger blasts of rage.

Fear is tender. It needs tender care and gentle respect. I’ve never thought so compassionately about this bit of me I’d rather not have.

Don’t talk yourself out of fear too quickly. Sit with it and ask what it wants you to know. (*Please take care of yourself as you consider making this inquiry. If you find yourself getting more agitated or traumatized, find someone to talk it through with - a counselor or trusted friend who can provide a safe space). If it feels ok and safe enough, go ahead and explore:
If fear runs away with you (as it is very good at!), keep it in healthy dialogue:

Is that really true? If it is, is there an action I can take so I don’t feel helpless?
Do I know without a doubt how this will end? I cannot know, so I can breathe with that truth.
What’s true in this moment, right here? Can I ground myself into this present moment? I can, because I’ve found ways to do this all my life, despite fearful things near and far.

Is it wrong to take this time to sit and get to know your fear? No! It’s medicine that helps calm your being so you can continue to be, first and foremost. Maybe so you could be helpful in some way when the time is right – you’re not helpful when you’re running around in a panic. We need our energy for when the panic meets us at the door so we can face it then. Until the moment when action must be taken, let’s foster the energy reserves. Get to know this part of ourselves so it doesn’t catch us off guard or leave us vulnerable to those who prey upon our fear.

What if we were to not silence, dismiss, or push away our fear? What if, for a bit, we didn’t cover it over with anger? Don’t get me wrong – the anger is also warranted and has information for us, but for now I’m curious about peeling it back to see what’s underneath. My guess is you’ll find your anger rises out of deep caring, and you’re worried or terrified for yourself, for loved ones, or for people you don’t even know. For our planet and all of its inhabitants. For the future we’re leaving our children and grandchildren.

So, I admit I’m scared. I’m too tired to pretend to be strong all the time (and p.s., even strong people get scared). I don’t need to be strong all the time. I can’t be. We often think being fearless means we can’t feel afraid or that somehow, we miraculously have no fear, when in reality, courage is feeling the fear and showing up anyway. I think probably we’re stronger when we allow our humanness to be exposed. Vulnerability can connect us. So, I admit I’m feeling scared these days. The particulars of my fear aren’t the point.

If you’re scared too, can we just sit together, hold one another for a while? We won’t cower away forever, but can we just give ourselves a little respite of honesty and be afraid together? Because we’re not wrong to feel this fear, and maybe it won’t consume us if we can sit with it every now and again. Shall we give it a try? Somehow sensing “me too” leaves me feeling a little less alone and gives me the courage to go on.

4 Comments

Finding Hope - In the Worst of Times

2/7/2025

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Writing about hope in horrific times? Really? Yes! It feels necessary. Maybe more important than ever. So, here we go.

We are living in a time where chaos, confusion, and relentless actions are designed to exhaust us, divide us, and silence us. We can easily lash out in anger or hide away in isolation.   Empathy, accountability, and respect seem to be lacking, particularly from those in power.
We need hope to help us see beyond the muck of the truly despicable.

The state of affairs in the US right now reminds me of the chaos that once consumed my family, crisis after crisis, brought on by chaotic substance use. The too familiar dread in the pit of my stomach – afraid to look at my phone to see what the latest disaster is.

One key distinction is that my son didn’t intend to scare us, cause chaos or harm. His actions weren’t calculated, malicious, or planned out. They were simply part of his mental health challenges which set off a chain of reactivity. I've talked with many people who've struggled with substance use, and know they never meant to hurt the people they love.

It’s easy to be frozen in inaction, stunned into silence in times of great disruption, but we don’t have to collapse. We can find a way to go on and to act in meaningful ways. Wringing our hands helplessly only adds to anxiety and withdrawal.

We need hope to continue on – to love, to be generous or compassionate, to make a difference.

Hope is Possible
Here’s what I know: hope is possible even in the most devastating times. How do I know? Because on the night my son, Nate, died, I reached over to my husband, grabbed his hand and said, “We will get through this.”

Partly, I did this because I needed to hear myself say it, to believe it, because anything else was too impossible to imagine. I said it even though it was also impossible to know how we would get through or what “getting through” meant. Partly I did this because at least some part of me knew that it was true.

In our 29 years with Nate, we endured so much – school struggles, family struggles, 14 years of the pain of watching him struggle with substance use and bulimia and all that that brought with it. We’d faced so many times when I didn’t know how I or we would go on… but we did. Now, not quite 2 years since his death, I still don’t always know how we will go on, but somehow, one moment, one breath at a time, we do.

I imagine if you look at your own life, you’ve had moments or maybe stretches of years that feel relentless, agonizing, hopeless. Times you’ve felt powerless and unable to see your way out of the struggle. Maybe you’re in a time like that right now. Either way, here you are reading these words, and that alone is a sign of hope.

What Hope Is and What It Isn’t

At a conference late last November, “Bridging the Hope and the How,” our keynote speaker, Dr. Ashley Cross, Executive Director of Hope585 in Rochester, NY, said that hope isn’t a feeling. That we can have hope even when we feel grief, sadness, fear. I’m still sorting out how that’s possible. No words for it, but I have experienced it to be true.

I’ve learned hope isn’t a flimsy wish: “I hope things get better.” That’s just wishful thinking that doesn’t get you or anyone anywhere. No change comes from weak wishing. A wish like that allows you to step back and not take any responsibility for what could be.

There’s another kind of hope that is fierce – it rises from deep inside and says, “No! This is not how this story will end!” That force can carry us, be a guiding light that calls us forward, even if we can’t see where we’re going. This force nudges us forward, fueled by a belief in a better future and a knowing that we can be part of creating the future we long for.

In his book, 8 Ways to Hope: Charting a Path through Uncertain Times, William Miller writes, “Hope is all about anticipation of what is not yet. It is a liminal space, a threshold to what may yet be.” What is not yet… what may yet be… those words alone bring pause. An interesting reflection. A reminder that we simply Do. Not. Know. All we can know is what’s already happened and what is happening right here, right now in our direct experience. We do not know what is coming in the future. Even when things are happening that make it look bleak. We still cannot foresee the future. We don’t have to fall into the trap of foregone conclusions.

Hope and Fear

Miller goes on to say, “…both hope and fear project images of what could come to pass, and both can be powerfully motivating. They are alternative lenses through which we view an uncertain future… Hope tends to expand our horizons, while fear contracts them.”

Have you noticed that? Fear brings us into tunnel vision where we only see the path of doom. It constricts our bodies. Breathing becomes shallow, jaw clenches, gut grips. Our thoughts run on a repetitive loop with all that we fear. “I know how this is going to go!” We find ourselves unwilling or unable to imagine any outcome other than what we dread.

“Fear can shut down the creative capacity to find better ways and even the will to find them. Hope is about finding both the will and a way forward,” writes Miller. When we feel trapped. When we feel certain of doom. When we feel powerless to do anything that will make a difference, we can lose hope. Of course we can. It’s so natural. Especially if the scene feels familiar – you’ve been here before, so “here we go again” thoughts come rushing in. Of course.

But, can you consider that this time could be different? You’re not the person you were the last time you faced this situation, even if it was only yesterday or a few hours ago. Which means that everything else about this scenario is also different than it was. The door to hope cracks open a tiny bit. Where there is possibility, there is hope. Where there is uncertainty, there is hope. Nothing has been determined yet. Where there is life, there is hope. Where there is love, there is more hope.

When people come together for the greater good, hope rises and ripples out. Hope and fear are both contagious – they spread between people like a creeping vine that quickly takes over. So, you get to decide if you’re spreading fear or hope. What seeds you want to plant? Can you be a force of hope, even in times of great darkness when all seems lost?

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but moving ahead in spite of it,” says Miller. The fear will be here. As will grief, sadness, confusion, anxiety, but they don’t have to be the only forces at play and we don’t have to give them the final word. One thing is for certain – running around and adding to the frenzy and panic helps no one. We must do what we can to find a ground that allows us to come into the world in a healthy way.

Creating a Legacy of Hope
Hope creates hope. We can give hope to others when they’re not feeling it. Our words and actions can create a ripple of hope. In Hope Rising: How the Science of HOPE can Change Your Life by Casey Gwinn & Chan Hellman, the authors share many ways to cultivate, strengthen, and grow hope. Hope needs attention and effort to sustain it – it doesn’t remain untended. In their final chapter, “Leaving a Legacy of Hope,” they share “Lessons Learned from Two Old Guys!”

Some that feel poignant in this moment are:

Teach your children (and friends) to be hope-centered
When the time is right, make it OK to talk about the bad stuff in life
Empathy always opens doors
Listen more than you talk
Run from negative people – find cheerleaders and encouragers
Surround yourself with positive role models
Focus on strengths, not weaknesses or deficits
Use your power and influence to bless children

When you use your powers for good, and act in ways that bless the children and the future children of the world, you are leaving a ripple that builds people up and generates more hope, kindness and caring.

A friend once called me a “Possibilitator,” a term that lit me up. I define it as “one who shines the light of hope and possibility, especially in times of darkness.” In a world where so much is out of my control and beyond my influence, this is something I can offer. Will you possibilitate with me? We can also take the actions we’re called to to help create a better future. None of this is about sugarcoating a shitshow or burying your head in the sand. It’s about finding sustainable ways to show up for people and things that matter.

It's All Too Much! Finding the Elusive Balance

Being bombarded by crisis after crisis feels relentless and overwhelming. I don’t know that there is a magic formula for being informed and staying engaged so that we can take action as needed, while also taking good care of ourselves. I do know that we must tend our hearts and health - mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional. When we are well cared for, we can step up when and where we’re called.

Meditation has helped me be with my own mind, developing awareness of what’s going on inside, sitting with thoughts and feelings as they arise. This allows me to act and speak in a more clear and intentional way. We don’t need to completely avoid the realities of the world (and we couldn’t even if we tried to), but with intention we can choose where we direct our attention. We can help where we can, step away to rest and regroup as needed. Breaks are essential.

We can carry hope alongside fear as we remember we don’t know what might yet be.

Balance in action and rest is elusive and not evenly matched much of the time. There are times when we will be all-in on something stressful, that requires immediate action, and does not give us a chance to sit back and be more intentional and mindful. However, when there are moments to regroup, refresh, and renew our mind and spirit, we must take them. Those moments are critical.

When you find people in the news taking over your life to the extent you’re missing moments of sweetness or delight with your partner, friends, or children, something has to give. At our family picnic last summer, we began swirling into fear and dismay about the future. My niece, Amy, brilliantly brought us back to each other and the precious gift of family time with a quick declarative, “That man is not welcome in our kitchen. He is not invited into our gathering!” Thank you, Amy. I find I have to remind myself of this often. To bring myself to what I want to allow into this moment, this space, my personal domain.

We get to choose who and what we give our time, energy, and attention to. Certain people want nothing more than to consume all of it. I implore you to take it back so that you can enjoy a quiet lunch with a friend, a walk in the woods with a beloved, sitting by the fire petting your cat, laughing at a stupid comedy, or getting lost in a song while you dance in your car.

Please take time to notice the beauty and the goodness in life that is here, even as horrific events consume the airwaves. It doesn’t erase or replace them, but it does broaden your perspective to all that is available. Beauty, wonder, delight, joy, kindness, lightness – they’re still here even when seem overshadowed by the ugly.

Do what you can for the causes that matter to you, remembering you cannot do everything, nor do you have to. Serve in a way that works for your body, nervous system, mind, and energy capacity – let others serve in their ways. Some of us will march and make calls, some will donate money, others will provide meals, others will offer hugs and smiles and kindness where they can. Others will sit quietly with a distraught family member or friend. There are many issues to be addressed, personally and collectively.

In her work of Revolutionary Love, Valarie Kaur reminds us of the midwife’s wisdom - we cannot push all the time. We must also breathe. In the resting and breathing, the next push can arise, and also in the pushing, we allow the breath to arise. Without the breath, you will deplete yourself and have nothing left to give.

If you’re facing a death or dealing with an illness or chronic struggle – your own or a loved one’s - you’re going to need your energy. What we’re facing collectively in our country and world is something that is going to require sustained energy. It serves no one for you to be on hyper-alert all the time. In our journey with Nate, we learned that sleep was vital, and so we chose to turn off our phones at bedtime. If something bad happened, we needed to be clear-headed and energized so we could respond in a more helpful way, rather than being sleep-deprived and overwhelmed by stress. When can you allow yourself to disconnect for a period of restorative time?

What Helps You to Hope?

I’m not always sure what helps me have hope. I do hear my son whisper from wherever he is, “I’m right here, Momma,” and I can feel that. I know that we still have each other and that he works with me and through me, and for that I am grateful. I find hope in the people in my life – my husband and friends who bring love, laughter, tears, and joy. I find hope in the nudges which prod me to create, offering what is mine to offer.

I find great hope in remembering that many people before me have persevered in similar or worse conditions than I face. In our country and around the world, many have endured centuries of treatment that could have led to despair and yet somehow, they have carried on. Leaders like Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, and Mother Teresa have shown what’s possible in the face of violence and hate.

Moms like Lori Drescher, Founder of Recovery Coach University, Pam Lanhart, Founder of Thrive Family Recovery Resources, Heather Ross, Family Recovery Coach, and Alexis Pleus Founder of TruthPharm, who have lost beloved children, inspire and uplift me and many others, as they work diligently to support people touched by substance use.

Hope Doesn’t Need to be Grand.

You might spend a little quiet time with Hope and ask, “Hope, what would you have me know?” Take a few minutes and let Hope’s wisdom flow to you, writing it out in a note to yourself if you like. In our last Finding Hope Within retreat, one participant received a beautiful insight that “hope can be small pinpricks of light.” And also, that “hope is in the sidewalk cracks, not the sidewalk.”

What does Hope want you to know?
What helps you have hope?
Who inspires you through their example?
Are there negative people you need to give less time to?
How can you sustain and support yourself in stressful times?
What do you notice that’s good or beautiful in your world today?
How do you want to show up in a troubled family, community, country, world?

Finding the Will - You are not Powerless!

Whether you’re facing a family challenge with substance use or you’re concerned about the state of affairs in the US and the world, your presence, your voice, and your actions make a difference. When we feel powerless, like nothing we do matters, it’s easy to lose hope. That’s when we’re at risk of isolating and finding ourselves paralyzed by fear or anger.

What you do matters! Your energy and presence matter, so please take the time to nurture and nourish your body, mind, heart, and spirit. Now is a great time to double down on practices that build internal strength, peace, grounding, flexibility, and clarity. That can look like getting out into nature, feeling the strength of the Earth holding you. Practices like yoga, dance, or working out allows your emotions the movement they need. Take time for contemplation, reflection, and mental rest through meditation, prayer, or journaling. Find community where you can, because we need each other, so take time to connect with someone you hold dear, go to a support group, attend a spiritual community gathering, or join a resistance group.

Be sure to take time for silence. There is too much to take in right now and it can easily overwhelm. Take media breaks. Turn off your phone and put it out of sight. Take a walk without listening to a podcast or talking to anyone. Create some spaciousness so that you can think and act more clearly.
Take some time to think about what practices best support you and make some time for them, even if only 5 minutes. 5-minute practices sprinkled throughout the day add up, and they will support you in this time that doesn’t offer any quick, easy fix.

Finding the Way - Some Ways to Get Started:

Step 1 - Pause... take a breath (or many breaths) - it's hard to imagine anything that could be made worse when we begin this way. Take this moment to find center and grounding before posting, speaking, or acting. Then proceed...

If you care about someone struggling with substance use, please check out the Invitation to Change approach which will invite you to reflect on what it means to help, reimagine the role that loved ones can play in the change process, and provide you with evidence-supported strategies for helping.

If you’d like a simple way to get involved in speaking out about the current state of affairs in the US, 5 Calls offers a direct link to your congressional representative and Senators along with guidance on top concerns you may wish to convey. Heather Cox Richardson is a clear and steady source of information. Pace yourself in what you’re taking in and what you’re doing. Do what you can and then step back to be refueled.

Donate to organizations doing important work that matters to you – time, money, or needed items. Whatever feels realistic and doable to you in this moment. What might fill your heart as you give?

Create the things you are called to create. It can be easy to shut down in the weight of overwhelm, but your creative offerings, whether that’s art, music, writing, videos, playlists, retreats… they are needed and they matter.

Make time for music - Here’s an eclectic playlist for finding hope to support you in this wild and crazy time. And here’s my Power Me Up Playlist for when I need a boost! Music can lift your spirits or bring the release of tears, encourage you to keep going, or give you something to dance and sing to. It helps us get out of our heads and into our souls. Music matters. Make your own playlist to carry you through the dark times.

Find Your People – In times when we feel scared, alone, or isolated, community is even more important. I know it’s harder to access because it takes energy and vulnerability to connect, but the effort will pay off. Phone a friend! Can we please bring back spontaneous phone calls and voice mails? Even if we don’t connect, at least we can hear each other’s voices! Find a group that supports your hobbies, passions, causes, personal development, recovery, or spiritual needs (to name a few), in person or online. Remembering that you’re not alone can really help.

The communities that are supporting my well-being right now that might be of interest to you:
The Open Heart Project Sangha - daily live meditation and discussion, weekly meeting, plus more!
Bodhi Tree Yoga - a variety of online classes with wonderful teachers and a sense of community

Give yourself a little oasis – Speaking of community, I invite you to join me on Monday, February 17, for a mini retreat, Finding Hope Within from 12 – 1:30 PM ET. Let’s come together, bringing whatever is present and cultivating a little bit of hope – that elusive what might yet be.

Find and create joy, delight, wonder. This is not a frivolous thing. Your energy matters - how you behave and speak matters. Small acts of kindness and moments of joy matter. Keep doing what you enjoy with joy. Joy is a form of resistance says Heather Cox Richardson (take a minute to watch this clip - it's very empowering!). It allows you to take back your power and refuse to give in to the forces that are bringing you down. Keep loving on people and believing in a better future, even if we don’t quite know what that will look like.

Find ways to offer compassion – to yourself and others. Our world desperately needs this energy. Showing up and acting from a place of love, kindness, and compassion makes a difference and builds hope. Your hope might take root, grow, and spread. It’s certainly worth a try!

Hold your loved ones close. Reach out and grab the hand of someone you love and say, “We will get through this.” Even if you don’t know how, you’re planting the seed of hope and possibility. Even if you might not get the outcome you would like, are you willing to give it a go?

What's working for you? Please, please share!! We learn and grow together!

My altar of hope

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Living Well within the Mess

11/20/2024

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Photo by Gantas Vaičiulėnas: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-person-standing-on-grass-field-during-golden-hour-3550518/

Never have I put more hours into a single post than this one. Why? Because I want to be thoughtful and respectful and not offer you any simplistic suggestions to an unbelievably complex reality. Because I vacillate between wanting to tell you everything I’ve learned that might be helpful and feeling like I have nothing of value to say. Because my grief is heavy right now.

I could just walk away and stay silent, but somehow, I feel called to write, to offer something in this post-election time. My hopes were strong for a different outcome and I’d enjoyed the relief of riding a wave of possibility for the past few months. The shock hit me hard and I’ve been mostly numb for the past 2 weeks. I’ve felt the familiarity of living within unknown chaos and deep grief over the loss of hope and the loss of the future I had imagined.

This is why I am choosing to write and share what I can. I do know how to live in an ungrounded mess. It may not be the election that’s upset you, and this post is meant to address different painful and challenging situations.

Let me begin by assuring you that I am not going to tell you to “get over it,” “put your big girl panties on,” “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” “just focus on what’s good,” “just shake it off” or any other nonsense.

Be real with where you are right now. Allow your feelings, thoughts, confusion… just honor where you are without needing to deny it, push past it, or get over it. Don’t pretend to be any different than you are. I honor that with you, witnessing how my own real-life experience changes day by day, and moment by moment, sometimes in unexpected and startling ways. What I write is for you and also for me. I write to remember and to discover what’s true and what’s possible.

Along with honoring whatever is true in this moment, I’m also going to share what I’ve learned is possible, even in terribly devastating times. I share to invite you to consider that it is possible to find a way back to yourself, back to some sense of ground, even in super ungrounded times. It is possible to have moments of feeling a sense of aliveness, a tiny spark that calls you forward.

I’ve lost myself in the past 2 weeks – meaning I’ve let forces outside of me and outside of my control drag me down and steal my energy, inspiration, and motivation. I’ve found myself going through the motions, zombie-like, and I’ve let myself swim in the dark waters of fear and despair. And that’s ok. I don’t like it, but it’s ok, because it’s what is here.

This feeling isn’t new for me. I’ve lost myself many, many times over the years of my life – particularly in dark and heavy times of fear and struggle. The disconnect can sneak in gradually over time or wallop me out of the blue, catching me off-guard and unprepared. Maybe there’s no way to prepare for ground-shaking news.

Maybe you’ve experienced this too – something shakes your world and suddenly you’re gone. Swirling in the chaos and confusion, unable to find ground. If you’re like me, you may alternate between looking outward - grasping for someone to give you the answer or show you the way – and diving inward, hiding away in a cocoon of isolation. Despair may loom if things feel bleak and uncertain.

Humans are conditioned to be alert for danger – it’s in our DNA. We are programmed to survive, and so we constantly scan for what’s wrong, what’s scary, what feels dangerous. The world feels chaotic and confusing right now, and there are many unknowns before us. Our minds hate not knowing.

And, of course, the unpopular truth is the future is always uncertain and unpromised. We cannot know how things will go. Sometimes we’re pleasantly surprised when our worries go unanswered. Other times we’re crushed when the unthinkable happens.

The mind constantly makes up stories of what is true and what is coming based on what it knows from past experience. This is how the mind works. It can only draw on what it knows. It forgets that more is possible. In fear its focus is extremely narrow. The mind carries us on a path paved with stories and beliefs. The path may be helpful or it may add to our despair.

I’m amazed at how different my waking thoughts can be from day to day. On any given day, I may awaken with dread, neutrality, or joy, and it’s not always connected to what lies ahead or what happened before I went to sleep.

Several days ago I was extremely grateful to wake with a momentary glimpse into the connection between what has supported and sustained me for the past couple of decades and the outer chaos many of us are experiencing today. That was the genesis of this blog. Since then, I’ve cycled in and out of inspiration, energy, depletion, and apocalyptic fear.

I do know calm and sanity begin within – they can’t be gifted to me by the outside world. I don’t know how long it will take for me to find the ground that offers any level of calm or sanity, but I must find the ground before I can hope to be much good to anyone else. Before I am ready to fight or advocate for better conditions, before I can hope to have any sort of positive impact or influence, I need space and time to think clearly.

If I’m spinning in a spiral of doom, that Is not the place from which to create or engage.   That’s the time to hit pause, go within, tend to my tender heart and soul, and feel all the feels. That’s the time to build awareness of what’s going on in me. Only when I feel strong enough, do I want to step into action.

Is this helping or hurting?
I have to look honestly at my thoughts and actions to see if I’m contributing to my own misery. If I am, what can I do differently?

I need to remember that I get to choose who and what I let into my world. Everything I take in and every interaction I have affects me, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually – this includes what I look at, what I listen to, what I read, and who I communicate with. It also includes how much information or emotion I let in at any time. An abundance of outer noise is eager to bombard us and keep us confused. Unless I am able to pause and mindfully step back, I will miss the bigger picture of what’s going on. I’ll have no idea how to best companion myself through a tumultuous time.

Extreme Tenderness and Exquisite Care
Another morning, I woke with the words “Extreme Tenderness and Exquisite Care” in my head. I knew deep in my core that this is exactly what I and so many others need right now. It’s not selfish to offer ourselves this time and space for loving care and compassion. It’s actually an act of kindness for us and those around us.

When we interrupt a destructive or frightening spin with a pause, rather than amplify it with our own thoughts and stories, we have a better chance for a more positive interaction.

A Powerful Pause
We can allow the pause to support us in coming back to our values and ideals – who we truly are at the core, who we want to be with others, and how we want to show up in the world. The pause takes us out of reactivity, away from feeling like a pinball being buffeted around recklessly by outside paddles, and offers us a chance to tap the stillness and wisdom within. Pausing also allows us to stop adding fuel to a fire that’s already raging out of control. My frenzy has never contributed anything meaningful, helpful, or productive to a situation, and it has often made things worse. In a frenzy, we are not thinking clearly; frenzied thinking leads to frenzied action.

Offering ourselves self-compassion, holding ourselves lovingly, acknowledging, “This sucks. I’m scared. I’m hurting right now. This is a moment of suffering,” rather than soldiering on, pretending all is well, gives us a chance to feel heard and understood, if only by ourselves. Listening to what we need and honoring that, rather than beating ourselves up with artificial “should’s” offers a reprieve from the pushing, driving, and striving that only wears us down.

These small, not-so-simple acts allow us to take a stand for our own wellbeing and to choose who and what deserves our energy. This isn’t about putting your head in the sand or being in denial, though if that’s what you need in the initial shock of something horrible, by all means, let that be ok. It is part of grief, and it’s part of self-survival. Traumatic events may require a healthy solitude when it all feels like too much.

How to keep going?
Even in the darkest of times, there is a way to take back your life, to take back your power, to find a way to keep going. I’ve found this while living through years of my son’s chaotic substance use. I’ve found this after his death. I’ve found this in moments in our world that shake all that we’ve known or believed. I am grateful to remember what I forgot I knew in the malaise that has consumed me recently.

When we feel powerless, we feel scared. Maybe we feel hopeless. One way to regain some power is to tune in to where you have choices. Where can you find some agency? What can you do differently that will give you energy rather than deplete you?

Find yourself in this moment – right here, right now as you sit here and read these words. Feel the earth holding you – feel her strength and resilience. Are you safe? Are you comfortable? Warm? Fed? Look around and take in your room. Listen to the sounds around you and beyond in the outside world. Smell the scents that fill this space. Feel the clothes on your body, the temperature of the air on your skin. Is there anything you taste in this moment? If it’s helpful, say to yourself silently or aloud, “In this moment, I am here. I am safe.” Name what you notice through your senses to ground you here. Feel your body breathing without needing to change a thing. Connect with your own aliveness. Here you are.

Don’t look away from what’s unsettling, but don’t let it be everything. Ooooh, this is a tough one, but the truth is there is no one thing that defines you or your world, no matter how heavy, ominous, or bleak that thing feels. As you let yourself be with everything that’s here in this time, you may find that beauty and wonder are always here too, right alongside the scary and oppressive.

Can you allow the hard to be there and still notice things that bring joy or comfort, even if they come in the tiniest moments? The person who looks at you and smiles. A dandelion popping up in the sidewalk even in the dark cold fall. A warm hug without words that gives you a moment to surrender into the love of another. A gorgeous sunrise or sunset that reminds you of nature’s steadiness and reliability. The deer on the side of the road that doesn’t crash into your car or the song of the wren breaking through the grey. Let it all be here. Open your heart and your arms to include even these beautiful, wondrous things especially when you see no way out of the current darkness.

Bringing to mind something or someone you appreciate – something that gives you comfort or joy not only offers a temporary reprieve from doom scrolling, but it reminds you that you can choose where you focus your attention and energy. Feeling gratitude counters the tendency to look for all that’s wrong, and it helps reprogram our brain by remembering all that is part of this present moment.

Our hearts can hold it all even when our minds can’t. When I was invited into a reflection of gratitude just a few days ago, I didn’t get much further than my husband who I am so glad to share life with and my soft fleece Snoopy blanket that offers me warmth and coziness and makes me smile. Of course, there is much more I am grateful for if I allow myself time to sit and reflect, to feel those things and how they affect me. And it’s ok when it’s a struggle to connect with them.

What CAN you do even when times are hard and confusing?
When there is much that you can’t do or much that’s out of your control, focus on what you can do. You will notice the common themes of “in this moment” and “pause” as a reminder of how valuable it is to slow down and come into present moment awareness. There are also some suggestions that may feel contradictory to others – that’s unavoidable as each of us checks in with what’s true for us and finds the balance that feels right and doable in this moment. Here goes:

❤️ Let yourself feel what you feel. Angry? Sad? Scared? Confused? Disappointed? Or Joyful? Feelings give you great information and need to be felt and allowed to move through. Don’t deny them, even if others feel differently than you or if you think you should be over it by now. Cry. Scream. Laugh. Feelings deserve your attention.

❤️Build inner reserves and resources, even in small moments and doses. What can you do to nurture and nourish yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? When you’re well-resourced, you will more likely have the strength and clear-headedness to face hard times.
Get plenty of rest. Let yourself chill out as needed. Get some movement and eat pretty well when you can. Join supportive groups or communities to have real and honest discussions while deepening your own understanding of this thing called life.

❤️Know what you need to refuel and do that. You don’t want to find your tank on empty in the middle of a storm. Plan ahead so that you don’t get caught off guard by depletion. Refueling is different for each of us. Some people need to be with others, while others need silence, stillness, alone time, or time outdoors. Some need to hug a tree, cuddle with a sweet pet, or curl up with a good book. What is it for you?

❤️Determine what is yours to do at this moment, if anything. If there is something that you need to do or you feel called to do, do that. From simple daily tasks to big community action, there are always things you could be doing. Focus on what’s yours. Let other things go – you can’t do it all, nor do you have to. You can trust that others will be called to fill different needs. And if what is yours to do is to take good care of you and your family, do that.

❤️Assess your true capacity is in this moment. You may feel pressured to do something. Wanting to jump into action is a pretty natural inclination when things feel like they’re spinning out of control. Do you have energy to give or is this a time to pull in and nurture and nourish yourself? There will be challenges, requests, and demands coming your way. Allow yourself to pause and assess before you respond. Do I have it in me to do this thing in this moment? Is it a yes, no, or not now?

❤️Get in touch with what really matters to you and devote your energy there. The vaster my dismay, the more I pull in and focus on what’s within my sphere. One thing I know that matters to me is family and friends and in-real-life connections. Community and connections are critical to my heart these days. I am also choosing to decrease my time in the algorithm-controlled virtual reality of social media. I am picking up the phone and calling people. Even if I don’t reach them, I get to hear their voice and leave a message to let them know how much they mean to me. I’m making time to connect with my people, while simultaneously being discerning about how much time and energy I have for peopling.

Another thing that matters to me is finding ways to offer compassion, kindness, and care at a time when this feels more needed than ever. Kindness can be as simple as sharing a smile or holding a door. You could send a sweet text or a handwritten card. Make a big meal and share the leftovers with friends.

What communities and causes do you care about and how can you support them? For me, supporting people impacted by mental health is my call, and so I am grateful to be able to support families through the Invitation to Change and to contribute to the work of the CMC: Foundation for Change. I will also be compiling the next round of CompassioNate Care Bags in the coming month. It was last Thanksgiving morning that I got a clear hit that we needed to make 111 bags, and I put out the first big call to my community. The response has been phenomenal and I am so grateful to all who have helped to create and deliver over 500 bags.

You may not know how important a tiny act might be; never underestimate the impact of a little care, compassion, or kindness. What’s most important to you today, in this moment?

❤️Get out of your head. Allow yourself time to dump the many thoughts that are spinning in your mind. Write them down, share them with a trusted person, or speak them to yourself – getting them out of your head can offer some relief and help create some distance between your thoughts and your life. Another way to get out of your head is to create – paint, draw, dance, write a poem, sculpt some clay, or knit away.

❤️Find ways to offer yourself loving kindness and compassion. What might that look like? You could take time for a formal loving kindness meditation practice. You might simply pause and put your hand on your heart as you take a breath or two. You might give yourself an intentional timeout, stepping away to rest, reflect, journal, or just tune out for a while. Letting yourself scream and cry if that’s what’s needed is a compassionate act. Please love yourself well.

❤️Reach out for help and support. Don’t go through a hard time alone. Find someone you feel safe with to sit with you, hold space for you, walk alongside you. That could be a friend, counselor, community member, or helpline.
I joined a friend for a meal the other day, and we were both struggling. As we hugged and cried, these words rose up from my heart, “We don’t have to be ok. We just have to be together.” This resonates as truth. We don’t have to be ok. We don’t have to pretend to be ok. We just need to show up to this moment and then the next. One breath at a time. One thought at a time. One moment at a time. Together.

We don’t know what the future holds, but I am certain that each of us has an important role to play in the unfolding. How are you doing? How’s your heart? What helps you get through hard days? Please share. We need your wisdom and insight.

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Seeking Peace Even (Especially) in These Times?

10/17/2024

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Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

If you’re finding yourself feeling anxious or agitated more often than you’d like and you’d love a little more peace in your life, hold on to hope. No matter what’s going on around you, you can cultivate peace and even ripple it out to the world. I’ve learned this over the past many years of my life, during the 14 years my son struggled with substance use and all the chaos that brought into our family, and even in the past year and a half since his passing. In this post I’ll share some tried and true practices that continue to carry me through the hardest of times. I hope you’ll find them supportive.

Even when our political climate is blowing up with division and aggression. Even when weather crises are coming fast and furious. Even when there's chaos in your family. Even through all of that, moments of peace are available. Not every moment, of course. You’re human and human is messy. Life is messy. Things happen. Reactions come, and the best thing we can do is be real with them and honest about them. True peace doesn’t come by denying the truth of what’s here or trying to jump over sadness, anger, frustration, or fear to get to peace. No. None of that…

What can we do to generate some peace within when the world and its people are spinning in a frenzy around us? Here are a dozen things that have worked for me (when I remember!). It’s a practice. Always. Something to remember and come back to when we forget:

1. Pause – stop whatever you’re doing and whatever you’re thinking. Take a breath or ten and step back from the intensity of the moment in order to regain your ground and to consider a fresh perspective. It’s easy to get caught up and pulled into drama and become one more reactive person in the works, even if we really value peace.   So, give yourself a chance to intentionally interrupt the spin.

How to do this? Just taking a moment to feel your feet on the ground and to you’re your breath can help. Or maybe give yourself a timeout in the most positive of ways – this isn’t a punishment, but truly best for everyone involved. Send yourself to your room or to the woods for even 30 minutes. If you’re at work or in a public space, lock yourself in a bathroom stall for a few minutes. Pauses come in all shapes and sizes, and they’re almost never a bad idea.

2. Curiosity – Notice when you’re feeling judgmental about something or someone and catch yourself in that moment. It can be helpful to shift to a state of curiosity. Say to yourself, “Isn’t that interesting?” Or, “that person or that thought doesn’t resonate with me” instead of “I hate them!” Suzanne Giesemann shared these ideas in a workshop I was in recently, and I was able to put them to use immediately as I came across people behaving badly. When I took this approach, I found that I got less worked up and agitated. I could silently send love to a situation and then move on with my day without needing to tell the story over and over or dwell on what an asshole that guy was.

3. Listen – just listen, without jumping in with your own ideas or opinions. This can settle a heated moment quickly and keeps you from making things worse. Take that pause, take a breath, and really listen to what someone else is saying. I tried this with a man I had just met who shared his opinions about a topic I’m passionate about, and though I didn’t agree with his thoughts on it, I could hear him. In my doing so, he commented, “Given your response, I’m guessing you don’t agree?” I simply said, “I don’t know. Here are my thoughts, but I don’t have the answer, and I don’t want to argue.” My not jumping in to talk over him or shove my ideas onto him opened up space for us both to think about the topic a little more and maybe even consider the validity of the other person’s thoughts.
I am also aware that there are many times when I’m quick to speak even though my input hasn’t been requested. Pausing and just listening helps build more peaceful interactions.

Listen to yourself too – listen to your body and heart for what they need in any moment. Learning to pay attention and honor this internal wisdom is step one in creating a self-care plan that you will stick to. The better you care for yourself the more peaceful you will feel.

4. Slow down. Maybe this should have been first because it’s integral to the other three ideas I’ve shared so far. Too often we rush – our meals, our rest, our conversations. We’re a distracted and busy people. When we take a little more time to be with ourselves, with each other, we reduce the frenzy.

5. Notice what you’re taking in – you have to digest everything that you take in. That’s true of food and drink, and also of things you’re listening to, watching, and reading. Is what you’re taking in filling you up or draining you? Does it inspire you and give you hope or send you to a place of despair? You are the sacred gatekeeper for your energy, so get curious about what you’re letting in to your being and how it affects you. Make changes accordingly, even if it’s only a slight reduction – say, checking headlines or scrolling social media 4 times/day instead of 400. There’s an awful lot of input available these days and a lot of it is designed to stir you up, hook you in, or both. Take good care of you.

6. Who are you hanging around with? Are they people who lift you up, inspire you, or make you laugh? People you can be real with? People you can cry with when you’re feeling sad? Or are they people who exhaust you or suck the life out of you? You might not have a choice all the time given your family or work environment. If those places are very draining, please be sure to balance out your interactions with those that are nourishing, uplifting, and fulfilling. Also be sure you’re getting enough “me time.” You know… alone time with yourself… time to reflect, process, or just chill. Such important recharge time!

7. What energy are you spreading, perpetuating, or exacerbating? Your presence makes a difference – to those around you and to yourself. Pay attention to how you feel if you jump in on gossip or if you repeat a story or belief you’ve told many times already. That spin of agony – “It shouldn’t be this way! How could this be happening? He’s crazy! Why is he doing this? I can’t take it!” doesn’t feel great. And the truth is, you’re here. You’re taking it, and you can choose how you want to be and what energy you want to bring to the world. It matters. Notice if something inside you likes to stir up drama or if you’d feel much better being a little more Zen. Are your words and actions aligned with your values? I find a deep inner ick when they’re not! For your own peace, shift your energy.

8. Where can you take down a barrier today? In a world that seems determined to pit us against one another, that can be a hard ask, but look for opportunities to bridge a divide. Extend a kindness to someone you’d normally look away from or down on. Share a smile. This doesn’t have to be hard or big, but small acts can generate big results. It’s one of the things I love about the CompassioNate Care Bag movement – people are turning toward their neighbors in need and reaching a hand out instead of looking away.

If you love someone who struggles with substance use, there are often a lot of barriers keeping us at war with one another. Curiosity and listening at times when you might usually yell or lecture can open doors, mend hurts, and build trust and relationship. It can be really hard to listen in a situation where you think you know what’s right or what has to be done. When you open your heart to your loved one and listen to their ideas and perspectives, and have an actual conversation, new ideas and perspectives might emerge that you would never have come up with on your own. When I was finally able to unplug my ears and open my eyes to have a real two-way conversation with Nate, he trusted me enough to share a little of what it was like to be him. I think the question, spoken or intended, “What’s it like to be you?” can open a lot of doors and hearts and help build connection if we’re genuinely curious and willing to hear some hard things.

9. Notice The F’s – I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling overwhelmed, terrified, and/or powerless, I don’t necessarily function at my best. I jump into forcing, fighting, fixing, fleeing and frenzy. When we feel out of control or powerless it’s easy to fall into these nasty F’s, often followed by a big loud exasperated “F IT!!” It’s natural to try to force things to happen, to fix problems (or people), to lash out or flee to isolation, or to find yourself scrambling in a frenzy. However, reacting these ways rarely work and often make things worse.

Try these F’s instead – face it, flex, flow, and maybe even fun. Flexing and flowing require a certain level of acceptance and surrender which come from facing the reality of what’s before you. When you can, turn toward the challenge and find a way to be with it and move with it rather than frantically trying to make it change. How might you even have fun with these moments? I now try to spend more time clapping with joy at political signs that give me hope rather than flipping off the ones that make me cringe. Why not?

Just last week I had a chance to work with this – a birthday gift I had ordered for my son was reported as “delivered” on Wednesday. Except it had not been delivered to me. Clearly it had been left somewhere, but it wasn’t in my box, in our parcel lockers or at my home. So, I filed an online claim and waited for a response. The next day I received an email to let me know they were looking into it and another later in the day that it had been found, misdelivered, but was now in my box. Great! Except… it wasn’t there. So, I called the post office and left a message for the postmaster – later got a call that she had left for the day and wouldn’t be back till Tuesday, but someone else was going to talk to the carrier to try to figure out what was going on and where this package. Frustrating… but as I sat down on Saturday morning, I silently offered up the intention that the package find its way to us with ease, and I let it go. I kid you not… within 10 minutes the postmaster was knocking on our door, handing my husband the package. She had come out on her day off to find it and get it to us! Amazing!

Does it always work that way? Of course not, especially when other people are involved. BUT, sometimes it does. I’m certain things went more smoothly and she was moved to help me out because I didn’t yell and scream at her. We need to take the steps we need to take, and then let go and wait, allowing things to get worked out.

10. Be aware of what you’re focusing on - Shifting your focus from what’s wrong, what’s troubling you, or what scares you can truly change your experience of life, even if nothing outside of you changes. One of the quickest ways to do this is to take a moment and reflect on what you’re grateful for, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant that may be. Gratitude has been shown to rewire our brains and help take us out of the eternal loop of thinking about all that’s wrong and to open up to noticing what there is to appreciate.

I also look for beauty every day – mostly outside, as nature is more than willing to accommodate me with her clouds, critters, plants, sunsets, and moon rises. Oh, and last week, the Northern Lights! Holy wow! They were spectacular! So cool to see so many people pulled together by this force of wonder and awe! Even in our homes and work spaces, there’s beauty to be found if you’re willing to look. Let yourself pause and take it in. What does beauty feel like in your body? Where do you notice it? We need beauty to counter the ugliness that permeates too much of today’s airwaves.

11. Meet yourself and this moment with self-compassion, kindness, and gentleness. I noticed myself judging my lack of strength, mobility, and flexibility in yoga class the other day. In another lifetime, yoga was a regular part of my weeks and sustained me well. The reality is in the past year and a half, what used to be a pretty regular activity has gone by the wayside. So, I have a choice. I can feel sad about how much I’ve lost in myself and beat myself up for that, or I can feel sad about it and greet myself with compassion and acceptance that this is just the way it is right now. I chose the latter, but not without a lot of internal chatter along the way. It’s a process and a practice. When we treat ourselves with compassion, we’re much more likely to offer it to others.

12. Turn to Love, with a capital L, and ask for guidance – There are two questions I sometimes remember to ask of Love, this giant force of unconditional love that’s available to us all.
1. What would Love do? Shockingly, the answer is often very different than what this cranky human would do! And, 2. Love, what would you have me know? (taken from Liz Gilbert’s beautiful practice with this inquiry). In either case, you can silently ask and quiet yourself enough to hear what response comes or you could write it out and do a little free-form journaling, allowing your hand to keep writing as you take in and capture whatever comes to you.

I find Love to be a very gentle, compassionate, supportive force to lean into which often reminds me to take it easy on myself, to slow down… all the things we’ve talked about above! Sometimes she shows me ways I can serve or help someone else that will feel good. She’s a very positive influence for me!

Life is a series of moments never promised.
As Joanna Macy said on her podcast, “We are the Great Turning,” (which I highly recommend you check out!), “This moment with you is a gift that was never promised.” This is true of every moment, so cherish your moments with people you love. The more fragile their lives, the more numbered their days, the more worthy of cherishing. We take too much for granted and get too easily swept away by stuff that isn’t worthy of our time or attention. Let’s rein it in and build the lives we want to be living.

Each of these suggestions is a process and a practice. I hope something resonates that might support you in cultivating a little more peace in your days and ways. Let me know! What other things do you do to help create peace when times feel hard, hopeless, or scary? Drop a note in the comments or send me a note. I love, love, love hearing from and learning from you!

Here’s a little music 🎶to support you on this journey – enjoy!

Common (“Cause we’ve got way too much in common…”)
If not for Love (“And what are we here for, if not for love?”)
Love Wins (“I believe we’re made to be here for each other”)

And a couple of meditations to choose from:

If Love points you toward service, here are some ways to support local grassroots efforts that are near and dear to my heart and run by people I love.

✨Brightstar Community’s Bright Night – Nov. 7th. Their mission is to help women survivors of sexual exploitation and trafficking find healing, hope, and independence. By raising awareness and funds, we can provide safe housing, holistic care, and a supportive community to these courageous women as they rebuild their lives. By attending and purchasing tickets to this fundraising event, you are directly contributing to providing safe, long-term housing and trauma-informed care for survivors.

❤️The Emilee Connection’s fundraiser of Music, Compassion & Connection – Nov. 8th – their mission is to support adults who suffer from anorexia and other eating disorders by harnessing the power of peer support, social connection, activities, educational events, inspiring speakers, and provide education and peer support for those who love them and for our community.

💕 Our CompassioNate Care Bag Mission is fueled by donations from so many amazing people. I couldn’t do it alone! If you’d like to be part of this mission, please consider a donation via Venmo to @Barbara-Klein-25 or through a purchase directly from my Wish List. I’ll be compiling the next big set of bags within the next month as we head into colder weather. Thank you!

A little of the Northern Lights beauty I found at Lake Ontario, NY

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Tending Your Heart

2/19/2024

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Image by Kevin McIver from Pixabay

Guest blog by Heather Ross
Some events are so impactful that they create a distinct before and after in the timeline of your life. The events that unfolded in the second half of 2021 forever altered the landscape of my existence. Within just 6 months I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer, including a double mastectomy, my divorce was finalized (resulting in the loss of crucial medical insurance which I needed for future treatments), and my 21-year-old daughter Helanna passed away from an overdose.

I realize this is a grim way to start a blog post, but surprisingly, the intensity of those experiences led me to a profound perspective shift and opened my life to new possibilities. Has it been easy? No! But I want you to know what’s possible, even after facing such huge challenges.

When I was in high school a friend and I were sitting on the front of a pontoon boat enjoying the refreshing breeze as her father was driving us to a restaurant on the lake. A water skier made a massive wave that caused the front of our boat to dip in the water. My friend and I were deep in the lake before we knew what happened. At first, I panicked, disoriented because I didn’t have time to take a deep breath. Then I stilled myself and waited to see if I floated up. Once I figured out which way was up, I also noticed the sunlight, and I swam toward it as fast as I could so I could take a deep breath and fill my lungs with oxygen again.

Unlike this boating accident, the events of 2021 left me disoriented with no buoyancy to help me float. There was no light to guide me to the surface so I could breathe again. I felt like I had lost everything. My mind relentlessly told me everything I had worked on for the first 49 years of my life had failed and I had no future. The grief from breast cancer, divorce, and losing Helanna sometimes felt like drinking from a fire hose, flooding me and taking me down.

I consider myself to be resilient, and before this time, when an area of my life collapsed, I built it back up better and stronger, but losing my daughter tested my strength in every way imaginable. I couldn’t imagine ever having the strength to face a future without her, so the painful thoughts intensified, becoming more and more believable.

I also started noticing memories that had not bothered me before my daughter passed away suddenly became traumatic, and I couldn’t understand why. After struggling on my own for a while, I sought EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy to help me process my traumatic memories.   EMDR encourages the patient to briefly focus on the trauma memory while simultaneously experiencing bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements), which reduces the vividness and emotion associated with trauma memories, calming the nervous system.

Trauma is not only about the event itself. It is also about what happens inside us in response to the event. Trauma can be caused by any event that we experience as emotionally distressing, not just life-threatening events. The loss of my daughter made me feel very unsafe. I became preoccupied with thinking about the other horrible things that could happen. The more I thought about bad things happening the more unsafe I felt. It was a vicious cycle.

Trauma's impact extends beyond the event itself and infiltrates our thoughts, emotions, and memories. Our brains work in a think-feel-act cycle. We have a thought. That thought releases chemicals that we feel as an emotion in our body, and emotions lead us to action. Beliefs come from thoughts we think repeatedly. Our thoughts and beliefs affect our memories because our memories aren’t fixed. Each time we retrieve a memory we can distort it.

Over time a memory can become more about your thoughts and judgments about the memory than the actual memory. When trauma is involved, we distort our memories even more in what is called memory amplification. We change our recollection of our past, essentially changing our past. In this case we are making the past worse than it was. Changing our past affects how we perceive the present moment, and it can change our future because of the state of being we’re creating in this process.

This explains why my memories that weren’t traumatic previously became traumatic after my daughter passed away. Every time I retrieved those memories, I loaded the trauma with my judgments and feelings of guilt, grief, despair, hopelessness, and shame. I wasn’t aware I was distorting my memories until I started sorting it all out with EMDR.
The original feelings associated with certain memories had been written over, as if I had made changes to a Word document, and saved a newer, harsher version. The more times I retrieved the memories, the more painful they got. I was changing the feelings associated with the memories and what I made them mean about me. I started seeing myself differently – it was painful and it felt very true.

After an EMDR session where my counselor helped me peel away the layers of a highly charged memory of a conversation with my daughter, a lightbulb struck! For the first time I saw how I had changed my memories. The main emotion I had been swimming in with my memory before EMDR was shame. After EMDR, that feeling transformed to love for my daughter. Suddenly I could see the real picture and I could feel being with my daughter in that heartfelt moment again. I felt proud of how I supported her during that conversation, and I deeply felt the love between us as we talked.

This is where I got curious. If I had changed my past, present, and future by changing my memories in a way that was hurting me, maybe I could harness that power to create a positive healing experience instead. When I retrieve memories now, I include loads of compassion and understanding so I don’t keep traumatizing myself. Compassion and understanding are keys to unlocking healing.

My new perspective has me thinking about the possibility of building a beautiful future. I don’t know what my future will look like yet, but opening to the possibility that it will be filled with love and fulfillment rather than being dominated by pain and loss is the first step to creating it.

It’s not about sidestepping the pain of the void left by my daughter’s physical absence from my life. It’s about living with all that’s here and all that’s possible. I have an ache in my heart for my daughter and my life is beautiful because of my deep appreciation for every joyful experience and every moment with the people I love.

Want to hear more about this experience? Listen to Heather's podcast here!

Here's a meditation I recorded to go along with this post: Tending Your Heart. Lean in. You deserve your own tender care.

Heather Ross is the mother of a child who struggled with Substance Use Disorder, A Family Recovery Coach, Invitation to Change Certified, CRAFT trained, and the host of the popular podcast called Living with Your Child’s Addiction.

Heather offers a program for parents that is compassionate, family-centered, based on science, and teaches parents how to create their own peace of mind whether their child is in recovery or still using substances. She believes parents have more power than they realize and the best gift they can give their child is a healthy parent.

When Heather is not helping other parents, she enjoys spending time in nature with her dogs, going to sound baths on the beach, traveling, and creating beautiful memories with friends and family.

You can find out more about Heather and her offerings by visiting Heather Ross Coaching.
Here's Heather's free "A New Perspective about Enabling"
Listen to the Living While Loving Your Child Through Addiction podcast

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Showing Up

2/4/2024

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Guest Blog by Steve Aman
There is a shadow that lurks in me that often whispers “you’re not good enough.” That shady shadow might add “what makes you think you can do that?” or some other diminishing words of gloom. It has taken many years for me to learn how to speak back to that voice. Today I can tell it, “thank you, but I don’t need you right now. Step back and I will get to you later.” In the meantime, I discovered that when I just show up, things move along pretty smoothly and even incredibly.

Some time back I learned a universal truth. When we come into this world, we arrive with our own unique set of gifts and challenges. Truly, there is no one else on this earth with an identical mix like our own, and I have no doubt that this is no accident. When I compare myself to another, I automatically withhold some of my gold, and that is not what I came here for.

On the other hand, when I simply show up and open myself to the flow of energy, what I call Spirit, and I trust that flow, I cannot go wrong. Some folks call this energy intuition. I call it “hollow bone” energy. When I allow myself to become the conduit, or the hollow bone, between Spirit and this physical world, magic happens. The most challenging part of this for me over time has been to trust what I am hearing or feeling. “You want me to do what?” I have often asked. And, when I simply showed up, trusted that there was something bigger than me behind the scenes so to speak, it has never failed to turn out beautifully. Indeed, it seems that paying attention to that energy often turns out to be a significant gift for someone involved.

Please join the conversation:

Do you have internal messages that keep you from showing up?
What have you discovered when you've overcome the doubt or fear and shown up to give your gifts anyway?
Is there an opportunity for you to show up where you might feel a little hesitant? What will it take to do it anyway?

Please share with us in the comments below. Thanks for adding your wisdom!

Meet Steve:
Steve is a retired farmer and has been deeply in love with the Earth his entire life. He and his wife of 53 years, Mary, live on a wondrous bit of creation in upstate New York that includes woods, meadow, wetland, stream, farmland and pond.

Steve has been deeply immersed in teaching nature awareness and primitive skills for decades, and is currently co-developer for the Resilience and Acceptance in the Face of Collapse course (https://acceptingcollapse.com/) currently being offered across the globe. He strives to live by the maxim "balance is the key", and recognizes that absolutely nothing provides meaning like being of service.

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Beauty and Gratitude can Change Your Life

10/31/2023

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I struggled with whether to publish this post at this time; daily we are bombarded with heartbreaking headlines. Is now the time for a post about beauty and gratitude? I decided yes, it was. Because in times like this, we need to find a counterbalance more than ever. We need to remember that our world is more than horrifying headlines and traumatic events. Always, even now, there is beauty. There are things to be grateful for.

It’s a profound understatement to say there are a multitude of horrible, terrifying, and devastating things happening in the world – in our communities, country, and across the globe. Whether you’re glued to the news or not, the energy of these events affects us all. We likely feel powerless as to what to do – especially for things that are happening far away or are so impossibly overwhelming we don’t even know where to begin.

Also, we may not know what to do in our own lives when things feel out of control, scary, uncertain, and people we love are in trouble. The more we fret, the more exhausted we become, and we think less clearly. When we rehash the bad, the painful, re-telling the same upsetting story over and over, we strengthen the heavy impact it has on us. We add to our own stress.

Every single one of us is programmed to focus on pain, what’s wrong, and to be on the lookout for danger or impending doom – that’s part of human nature that has kept us safe and alive for eons. Scientists call this the negativity bias.

In his blog, Rick Hanson describes it this way - “Your brain is continually looking for bad news. As soon as it finds some, it fixates on it with tunnel vision, fast-tracks it into memory storage, and then reactivates it at the least hint of anything even vaguely similar. But good news gets a kind of neural shrug: “uh, whatever. In effect, the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.”

The negative experiences stick to us, poke at us, and wear us down, while we ignore, brush off, or don’t even notice positive ones. Sometimes we miss much of what’s “good,” simply because we take it for granted. For instance (and hypothetically speaking, of course! 😉), you might not think about how strong your legs are and how much they do for you until you break your foot. Once you’ve broken that foot and your mobility and independence are affected, it grabs your attention and pulls you into the pit of feeling bad. It can be hard to think about anything else, and you may pile on by judging yourself for having such a stupid accident (hypothetically speaking, again!).

The good news is there are simple and accessible ways to shift our mindset and experience – when we do so, we can better show up for the things that require our energy.

We need to find ways to re-energize ourselves, and one of those ways is to find a broader perspective and remember things are not all or nothing, good or bad. Truly, a wide array of experiences and offerings aany given moment. Yes, there's horror, and yes, there's more than that.

While I’ve learned that I’m not in control of the experiences in my life. I broke my foot, my son died, it’s raining, wars are raging worldwide – these are facts, and obviously facts that vary in intensity and severity. They are things I wish were different, and there's nothing I can do to change them.

And yet, even when times are tough or excruciatingly painful, there is still good in life. We have the ability to find it, notice it, or create it. And, let me be clear, I’m not talking about avoiding, denying, or jumping over the rough stuff through pretending, spiritual bypassing, or looking for the silver lining too soon (or ever) in untenable events. Nor am I suggesting you say affirmations that tell you things are better than they are (unless that works for you. In which case, affirm away!).

But, what is true, is that each and every day, no matter the agony, pain, and heartache, there is also beauty somewhere in life. Whether it’s the red-bellied woodpecker flitting through the trees, crying out to be seen or the cascade of golden leaves floating to the lawn or the dandelion brave enough to peek up through the cement, there’s something beautiful here. A coffee mug given by a dear friend. A photo of a special memory. The scent of a pumpkin chai candle. Beauty does not have to be big or bold, but it does long to be seen, witnessed, savored.

In her beautiful book for navigating tough times, Keep Moving, Maggie Smith speaks of the way she and her children delight in sharing “beauty emergencies” – those things that have to be seen right away, before they’re gone. If one of them sees a spectacular sunset or a dinosaur in the clouds, they’ll call out to the others, “Beauty emergency!” so they can cherish it together and no one misses out. What a sweet way to be on alert for something wonderful.  Maybe all emergencies aren’t bad.

Life has been very chaotic for us over the past 14 years with my son’s struggles with substance use and other mental health challenges. So much despair. So much fear. Times adding up to months of lost connection and opportunities over the years. It would have been easy for me to have been all-consumed with all that was bad, scary, unknown. In the deep grief since his physical passing, it’s easy to cry endlessly and think of nothing other than how much I miss him. But even with all the pain and suffering, there is also much to be grateful for.

That we had 29 years with him, I am grateful for. That I got to be his mom. For the happy and hopeful moments that were scattered in there, I am grateful. The small things like a hug or a deep conversation – those were always a gift. Because I knew how precarious his life and our time together was, I learned to cherish precious moments along the way. And when I was too upset with him to find gratitude within that relationship, I opened my heart to the fullness of life. A delicious meal, a warm home, fresh water and air, or a friend who’d let me vent were things I could be grateful for.

Gratitude:
Taking time to pause and open my heart to beauty and gratitude has changed my experience of life – the way I feel about and within life. For over a decade I have had an intentional gratitude practice. Usually that means in the evening taking some time to reflect on the day and list things that I am grateful for, things I’ve noticed throughout the day, and share it on Facebook. I’m not sure how this practice started, but it has become a daily ritual that strengthens me; sharing with others fills me up.

On particularly hard mornings, I’ve taken a little time while still in bed, reflecting on what I’m grateful for; this practice helps me enter the day. Somehow something inside of me softens as I remember and acknowledge beautiful bits of life. The other day I sat on our deck and softly offered verbal thanks for the people who’ve shown up to walk through this chapter of life with me; taking just a few minutes to acknowledge long-standing friendships and new people who are coming into my circle – feeling them in my heart as I pictured each one. These are some of the ways I’ve taken time to intentionally reflect and feel into gratitude.

Finding Beauty:
I also look for beauty each day and share pictures on Facebook as well. “Today’s beauty” posts seem to offer a welcome and different vibe to this platform. I like sharing sunsets, cloud formations, leaves, trees, and flowers with people. I love rippling beauty into a dark and ugly time and a space that is too often contentious.

The more I practice gratitude and look for beauty, the more I find myself noticing throughout the day. The more I notice things I appreciate, the less I dwell on all that’s wrong. This isn’t a magic formula or an exercise to check off a list, but rather a way to open my heart and spirit to all of life. Gratitude lives alongside grief in my mind and heart, woven together, inseparable. After my dear friend, Mary, passed away, I wrote a bit about this in “Good Grief, Gratitude, and Grace.” I was absolutely devastated to have lost the one person in my life who always made me laugh and who willingly opened her heart to all of me. There was nothing I had to hide from Mary. Who would I turn to now? And yet, gratitude and grace were there too. It’s been the same since my son, Nate, died; this crushing loss has dropped me to my knees and isolated me more than any loss in my life and it lives inside my heart right along with beauty, grace, and gratitude.

Life will bring what life will bring. How we meet it is up to us. I’m in for the full human experience, so I don’t shy away from the depths of grief and sadness. But I’m also always on the hunt for beauty and gratitude. Slowing down enough to feel gratitude seep through the cells of my being, breathing it in, allowing it to permeate the deep dark places softens my heart, welcomes the tears, and expands my capacity for living fully. Savoring beauty often takes my breath away, filling me with wonder and awe.

Beauty and gratitude help us to see and think about more than all that’s wrong with the world, all that’s hard or painful in our lives. They remind us that life is full of a vast variety of people, things, and experiences. We’re not trying to cancel out or deny anything; we’re adding in more of what we might have been missing. Where we choose to focus our attention affects us.

“When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.” Maya Angelou

An Invitation:
Today I invite you to join me in this quest to find moments of beauty and gratitude. Let’s try it right now. Wherever you are, whether it’s on the subway or in the most peaceful bedroom sanctuary, look around.   What do you see that’s beautiful? Take it in – the colors, shapes, texture, scent. Allow its beauty to lift a smile. As you sit here, close your eyes and feel into one thing you’re grateful for, no matter how big or small. Experience what it feels like to fully appreciate something. Breathe in the feeling of gratitude and allow it to flow through your cells. What do you notice?

Take your time and take in as much beauty and gratitude as you like, and then throughout your day be on the lookout for more. Give thanks. Appreciate what you find. Over time, you may just find your experience of life shifting. Please share your experience with us here!

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Awareness, Recovery, & Retreat

10/14/2023

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August 31 is International Overdose Awareness Day - all around the world people gather to remember and honor the way too many lives lost to substance-related deaths. We grieve. We mourn. We come together to hope for recovery for those still here.

This year was my first from the perspective of having lost my son just 5 months earlier - 5 months to the day we cried over his casket to say our final goodbyes to his physical form. When invited to speak at our local Scotty B Overdose Awareness Day (created by another mother in memory of her beloved son), I didn’t skip a beat as I replied to the full-body goosebump “Yes.” I didn’t know why or even what I’d say, but I knew it was an authentic yes. That morning I reached out to several people asking, “What do I even have to offer? My son didn’t find recovery. My son died. How can I offer inspiration or hope?” I cried. Big tears. Lots of tears. I received their encouragement and gathered my thoughts, pulling together a message intended to raise awareness, to share Nate’s story, what I’ve learned over the past 30 years, what I wish I had known, and an appeal for greater kindness and compassion for all people.

My dear friend, a fellow angel mama, and I started the day at an Overdose Awareness Vigil in a part of the city where the need for compassionate, non-judgmental support and care is immense. We sat in a circle with people in recovery, people in active use, family members, friends, and allies, and people at dire risk. We shared pizza and memories of those lost. We shared what called us to this circle that day. We learned how to use Naloxone to save a life. We learned about Overdose Prevention Centers and the critical need for them, and we shared space, time, and life. It was beautiful. Heart-touching. Heart-wrenching, and heart-opening.

From there over to Scotty B Day where I met and visited with people in the recovery community - some of the most authentic, sensitive, creative, beautiful people in the world. I shared table with my friend, the beautiful writer, Jennifer Collins. In addition to selling my book, I had care bags to give away for those in need, along with Nate’s cards (which have his picture and the messages “I see you. You matter. You are not alone.” and local resource numbers on them) and Never Use Alone cards. I watched as one young man picked up Nate’s card and withered into a gut-punching, disbelieving gasp… “No, no, no… tell me it’s not true…” He had been Nate’s neighbor in supportive housing. “He was doing well…” his confusion voiced as he took in this news. Yeah. He was. Until he wasn’t. Awareness awakening.

After I spoke (you can listen to the talk here), I had the beautiful opportunity to connect with so many open-hearted people. Parents who wanted to know more about the Invitation to Change, who longed for a different way to be with their loved ones. Parents who heard our story and committed to being with their young ones differently - to let them be who they are, whether they are 3, 9, 11, or 15. Parents who had lost kids somewhat guiltily confessing, “I did the whole enabling thing…” because they had gone to their child, supported them, loved them. I offered a reframe: “Sounds like you loved your kid. There is no need to apologize for that. Ever.” Phew. Exhale. No need for shame. You loved your child, as did I. Let’s let the stories go, drop this all-too-common cultural narrative, and begin to heal around this loss. Find our recovery. Other people I met love people in active use, kids who are on the streets, at great risk; these people are doing what they can to love them well, to support them, while also taking care of themselves. There’s room for it all. Awareness. Connection. You’re not alone. One tiny moment at a time…it’s enough.

It was a beautiful, encouraging, uplifting, devastating, heart-opening, heart-wrenching day. I wobbled away from the podium, away from the space, and met up with my husband to celebrate, debrief, and cry. I was wrung out and filled up all at once.

The next day kicked off National Recovery Month. And, I felt myself slide into a valley. It had taken a ton of energy to prepare for Overdose Awareness Day, only a little over a month after Nate’s memorial service. It was time for me to immerse deeply into my own recovery. After putting myself out there, there was a natural reaction to pull back, go within, hunker down, and restore myself. You might have experienced something similar in your own life. Even as I continued to post support and encouragement for the recovery movement, for individual and family recovery, I was heading into a gentle crash and into my next phase of recovery.

Here's what I know about recovery: it begins within and is a deeply personal journey. As my friend, Chris’s shirt says, “Recovery is any Positive Action.” It’s not clear, straightforward, or linear. It is often painful and painstakingly hard. Recovery can only be approached and managed one minute at a time. It requires a leap of faith into the unknown, hoping that the effort will be worth it. Recovery requires letting go of tried-and-true comfort and survival tactics to find new, less certain ways to be. It calls us to look at past pain, to open our hearts to grieve what might have been as we lean into what’s here, and step toward what’s possible.

Recovery calls us inward to reconnect with ourselves – our hearts, our spirits, to touch what’s true and to connect with what’s available to us. Anything that requires a lot of energy, particularly emotional energy, will invite a period of respite and recovery afterwards. Awareness. Can we pay attention to the needs of our body, mind, heart, and spirit and find a way to honor that need?

The first weeks after Overdose Awareness Day were very uncomfortable as I found myself confronting some dark, haunting questions: What if? What if I had seen how desperately Nate was spiraling out of control and had insisted he come to dinner with us the night he dropped off the grid? What if I had invited him to stay with us for the weekend the last time I last saw him, 6 days before he died? Would he still be here? I suspect this is a natural grief response, grasping for what might have been different. Not so much blame, but a desperate wish that I had known and had the chance to make different choices. Recovery calls us to face our shadows in order to move forward, so I met myself there and sunk into the feelings and thoughts that swept through.

After a couple of weeks in intentional recovery mode, I also added retreat into my life, packing up and getting away from home, from Rochester with all its ghosts and ghostly places. First I headed off with my husband, Tom, to hole up in a hotel and sleep, read, and write some overdue cards, while he worked.

Next, we headed off to a massive music festival where we could easily get lost in the crowd in Louisville, Kentucky. We savored an evening with Brandi Carlile (I just love her...sigh). Total anonymity and shared love of a great artist held us in this musical escape.

Then Tom dropped me off at a rustic retreat center in the mountains of western North Carolina for a women’s retreat – my first big social space with mostly unknown women since Nate’s death. I was welcomed with huge hugs from two loving women, soul sisters I’ve known for almost a decade, women who have answered the call to show up for this deep mama loss. I found my way to my remote charming cabin by the creek and settled myself into it for a musty nap, the creek offering its gentle natural white noise. And I bawled. I let my tears soak my pillow. I let my body shake as sobs moved through me. In this quiet space of solitude, I let myself feel the fear of something happening to Tom, and felt the deep awareness of how desperately I need him to be ok, to be safe, to stay alive. How much I need him. Period.

Eventually sleep found me, and after a refreshing rest, I was able to enter retreat tentatively, gingerly, dosing out bits of my current reality as I was able. Giving myself the gift of my own deep attention and care – what did I need? Feel? Want? Following this inquiry, moment by moment, without expectation, without judgment. Allowing space for the bereaved mother, the open-hearted dancer, the tearful singer, the curious writer, and all the bits of me to be present. Allowing the silence to deepen my connection to myself. I let myself be filled up, sharing space and energy with other women, each on her own journey, each in her own space, facing her own longings, fears, awakenings, awareness, and insights as retreat worked on us. It was healing, cathartic, transformative, and I am deeply grateful for it all.

As we cycle through life, when we can allow ourselves to follow Awareness, Recovery, and Retreat, we grow. We evolve. We let go. We connect. We become. The next iteration of who we are in this moment of life emerges. We open to what’s possible. We face hard truths. We heal. And then we do it all over again. Maybe this is all life asks of us.

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Yes, and... Life is One Big Improv

8/14/2023

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I got together with a friend/teacher/mentor/coach the other day and I’m so glad I did. As we sat outdoors, enjoying our coffee and lemonade, we talked for over 2 hours about life, death, struggle, and joy. We shared our truths and our hearts. So grateful for precious 1:1 time like this - real conversation, heartfelt connection and care for one another, true interest in what’s going on in each other’s worlds. This man and I do not shy away from the hard topics. We dive right in. But we don’t wallow in the misery, by any means. He also reminded me about joy and the ability to choose.

He reignited within me a desire for joy by sharing his commitment to only take on work that brings him joy. Even in important, life-altering work, joy is possible. Even with something as heavy as supporting people around substance use and recovery, joy is possible. I want to work with people who are open to wonder, awe, delight, even in the hardest and heaviest of times. No doubt watching a loved one struggle, fearing for their life, or losing them certainly are some of the hardest, scariest, heaviest times I’ve known.

And yet, even after Nate’s death, there are turkeys in wildly unexpected places, owls everywhere, feathers dropping out of nowhere, song lyrics, people appearing out of the blue to amaze and delight us, to touch our hearts, to wake us up to the mystery beyond what our little human minds understand. Even now he reminds me to be touched by the life we shared, the moments of joy and delight, the laughter, the not-so-serious times before things got so serious, and even the joy we found while they were very serious.

I don’t need to carry the yoke of his death around my neck forever because the delights of life are also still available to me. Wonder and awe are everywhere if my eyes are attuned to look for them. Joy dances in my heart, waiting to be set free. At a campfire, watching grown women blow bubbles, listening to heart-wrenching music with my sister while coyotes yip and yap in the nearby hedge, feeling both invigorated and a little terrified all at once. Dancing and singing at a P!nk concert, surrounded by glitter, boas, pink tie-dye, and neon landscapes, holding my breath while she soars overhead, praying that cable and harness hold. Taking in the early morning sun as it casts its light on the hills, on the lake. Appreciating moments of silence, the stillness of this day. The fact that I get another day. That I get to have time with friends who are delightful rays of sunshine. Getting to connect with one of Nate’s close friends, and being able to bake for her and get to know him through her heart and eyes. Time for yoga, time to clean if and when I feel like it. Making time to write and letting go of any rules I might have once held about what a blog should be. All these things carry their own kind of miraculous wonder and awe.

Yes, there is a lot of shit in the world. A lot of angry, scared, exasperated, and aggressive people out there. I see them every time I hit the highway - their energy shouts at me from their window stickers and their rapid pole-positioning. I see them online venting their frustrations and accusations. People who are afraid act out; they try to control because too much feels out of control. I get it. I’ve been there.

And yet… music is still being made, gorgeous cakes are being baked and decorated, birds still sing, butterflies dance unaware of this craziness, campfire flames leap and kiss marshmallows to golden perfection, stories are shared, memories held, poems melt hearts, dreams ignite, and beauty is everywhere.

If only we slow down enough to notice, even when our hearts are broken, love and wonder, awe and delight are everywhere, available, waiting. Each day, each moment offering a new beginning. We do not need to buy into the story that life must be a slog. We do not need to take on the “poor me” persona that comes when people know you’ve had a devastating loss, are facing a dire challenge, or are in treatment for a disease they’re calling fatal. Hope can remain. Miracles abound. Truly.

Sometimes it’s a game to catch Nate’s signs and to simply delight in them. I let him know I get it. I see him. I hear him. I feel it. I laugh. I thank him.

Life does not have to be a burden to bear. Couples do not have to play out the sitcom roles of annoying and being annoyed with one another. Workers do not have to surrender their joy for a job they hate, be available for it when they have nothing left to give or when they’re supposed to be done for the day. No one is obligated to be on call all the time. Turn off the damn phone and be present with the people right here, to this moment offering itself for your delight.

We can take back the joy. Even after the unimaginable has pierced our hearts. Our hearts still long for love, laughter, excitement, delight. They really, really do. Don’t worry. It doesn’t erase the pain or negate the loss. But, living in endless suffering honors no one. Living in constant fear serves no one. Pushing beyond the point of exhaustion is good for no one. So, bring on the joy. Show up to life and embrace it wildly.

Let life live through you. Yes, I am broken hearted at the loss of my son, and still I get up each day and engage with life. Yes, I wish he were still here and we had one more chance, and we don’t, so I choose how I will continue to live.

Where can you find ways to say, “Yes, this bad thing has happened or is happening, and… still I will ____ (have fun, find delight, rest, create peace, etc., whatever is true for you).” or “Yes, I do have this responsibility/commitment/obligation, and still I can_____________”

Where can you free yourself to live life a little less burdened and a little more playful? Where can you get curious? What opportunities might you give yourself? Because one thing I now know for sure is that life is one big improv. We don’t know what will be thrown our way, and so it’s up to us to choose, moment by moment how to respond. How to engage.

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Slow it All Down... Even when Times are Urgent

Anger & Fear

Finding Hope - In the Worst of Times

Living Well within the Mess

Seeking Peace Even (Especially) in These Times?

Tending Your Heart

Showing Up

Beauty and Gratitude can Change Your Life

Awareness, Recovery, & Retreat

Yes, and... Life is One Big Improv

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