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​Being There for Yourself

5/23/2018

3 Comments

 
Have you ever noticed that we will do ANYTHING for our kids, for our pets, our partner, our parents, our friends…  ?  You get the gist, right?  If someone else needs us, we are there in a heartbeat, willing to do whatever it takes!  We give and give.  We sacrifice.  We go above and beyond.  For others.  All. The. Time.

And, then something comes up that we’d like to do that costs a significant amount of money, requires a lot of time, or may involve travel away from our family.  Our first response isn’t usually an automatic, “I’m in!  Sign me up!”  It’s hesitation… a pause… maybe even a complete stop and redirect to something more familiar and more comfortable. 

I don’t have the time.  The kids will need me.  I’ve just spent $1000 on my dog’s surgery.  We just spent thousands on doctors, sports, camps, counseling, and therapies of all sorts.  Are you familiar with this dialogue that runs almost automatically through our heads? 

What’s interesting to notice is that we didn’t stop to think for a minute where that money would come from or how we’d find the time for events and appointments for our loved ones.  We knew we’d clear the calendar to be there for them – of course.  It’s what we do.  No question.  No doubt.  No other option. 


Why is it we give so freely, quickly, and easily to everyone but ourselves? 

Conditioning: We have been conditioned and taught for as long as we can remember that this is the way to be – when you are a kind, good, nice, and loving person, you are generous.  You put others first.  You do for others no matter what.  It’s the right, honorable, and noble thing to do. 

The problem is, we sometimes give and do beyond what’s sustainable.  We may fail to even give ourselves the time and space to figure out what would fill us up emotionally, what would support us physically, what would nourish us mentally, and what would nurture us spiritually.  We drain our tank and rather than refuel, we just put on our Super Woman cape, take flight, and keep on going.  
Picture
Betty
Meet Betty – If you look closely at this picture, you can see her strength and determination.  Yet, Betty was a woman who learned early in life to downplay her accomplishments, to avoid the limelight, to be everything for everyone, and to not believe in herself.  You see, Betty was on track to be the class valedictorian in her high school in the late 1930’s (probably not common for a girl to hold this ranking).  But, rather than eagerly prepare to take the stage at graduation, Betty intentionally failed some things so that she would not have to give that speech. She stepped back and let someone else take her place and her moment to shine. 

In college, Betty was studying to be a teacher.  One professor judged her to be a “shrinking violet,” something that was not desired in the profession.  So, she quit college and became a secretary, taking very good care of her male bosses, no doubt. 

She married and became the dutiful mother and housewife that she believed she should be, diligently studying and obeying The Good Wife’s Guide (we found this in her belongings after she died!).  She cooked, cleaned, baked, hosted dinner parties, and took care of the kids.  She ironed everything…including pillowcases and t-shirts!! 

Her family’s joy was everything to her.  She served her family and In many ways her husband was her master, dictating schedules, chores, etc…  She lost touch with her own dreams and needs and withheld her anger, stuffing it in favor of the happy face she was supposed to plaster on.  She didn’t complain and was perhaps the kindest, gentlest and most loving women I have ever known. 

But she did not value herself.  She did not believe in her capabilities or her intelligence. 

And, though she should have been rewarded for this, instead she found herself alone to raise a pre-teen after her husband left her for another woman whom he found to be more adventurous and more intellectually stimulating.  Despite doing “everything right” and sacrificing herself while giving 110% to her husband and five kids, it still wasn’t good enough.  Thankfully, the divorce required her to find the courage to begin to listen to her dreams again, to put herself out there and travel and find a job that she loved and would happily work at into her 70’s! 

Betty was my dear mama, and she is one of the main reasons I do the work I do today.  I am determined to help women see their value, make themselves a priority, and claim their stake in this life – by choice, not by forced life circumstances. 

And though these are different times, I see many Betty's still out there, I feel her shadow alive within me from time to time and I can hear her messages loud and clear– put others first; be nice; take good care of your husband so that he won’t leave you; and keep on doing more because it’s never good enough!  

We carry our conditioning strongly within us, and we need support to break free and chart a new course.  We need to know that it’s not selfish to take good care of ourselves, to make time for ourselves, and to honor our needs and desires.  And, it doesn’t have to be done in a way that’s reactive, angry, or hurtful to anyone else.  Done right, it benefits us as well as those we live with and interact with.  We need to get to know ourselves well enough that we are able to honor and be our most authentic selves. It is possible! When we do that, the whole world benefits.  This is a practice that asks us to revisit it every day, many times a day.  Self-care is not self-indulgent… self-care is our lifeline.  It’s what sustains us to be able to be kind, loving, and generous from a place of true well-being. 

So, next time you find yourself hesitating about taking time, spending money, or making a commitment for yourself and you feel the automatic resistance kick in, I invite you to pause and give yourself permission to go for it. 

It's OK to be happy.  It's OK to have fun.  It's possible to find peace

Being there for yourself... 
When you notice you’re feeling drained, exhausted, or resentful, check in… have you been over-giving and over doing, thinking you have to always do more and be more?  Then close your eyes, take a few breaths, and sincerely ask the wisest part of your being what you need in that moment.  How depleted are you and what will it take to rejuvenate you?  What would bring more joy into your life?  What would cultivate more peace within?  It’s ok to be happy.  It’s ok to have fun.  It’s possible to find peace.  Let’s remember these things and take the oath my teacher, Renee Peterson Trudeau, taught me: “I will not abandon myself!”

How can you care for yourself today?  Where will you NOT abandon yourself today? 

​
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Mom-life Identity Crisis by guest blogger, Dr. Rachel

5/4/2018

0 Comments

 
This post was originally posted on Dr. Rachel's blog at FitMama PDX
Picture
​I have a dirty little secret...
Let me set the scene. This past weekend, I attended a continuing education course on body weight movement and strength training. I left the house bright and early both mornings, returning after 6pm both nights, leaving my husband to hang with our brood (Sierra 14, Jack 10 and Cooper 18 months).


​It’s important to note that this is the longest single stretch that I had been away from Cooper since he was born, and that my husband gets a little flare of anxiety when left alone too long with what can only be described as an intensely energetic range of kiddos.

So, what’s the big secret?
  • I could feel the guilt mounting in the days leading up to the weekend. Should I take the time for myself? Should I see if I could bring the kids for some of the action so that the husband could get a break? Was I being selfish...all self-imposed guilt I might add.

And, here’s the part I really wasn't expecting.
  • When I rolled up at the end of my first day, exhausted and sweaty, I was shocked by my reaction. The day had been wonderful (for my family), filled with park time, successful nap time, and lots of ease. The house was even cleaner than I had left it that morning. So, why did I feel so damn sad?  Instead of seeing this as a victory for all, I suddenly felt a panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was no longer needed...my mom-life identity was being threatened.​

Who was I if not the person who could run the house smoothly, anticipate needs before they were stated, and soothe a grumpy toddler?

We’ve all heard the term empty nest syndrome, but what about full nest syndrome?

All my kids are still under one roof, needy as ever, and I have longed for more free time to work on my business, health, life...But, once I had successfully taken this time, I found myself unable to appreciate the foundation of safety and security that we’ve established as a family.

The capable, awesome humans who can thrive without my constant presence hasn’t filled me with pride. It has instead left me with a huge feeling of emptiness. 

WTF?

Here’s what happened next. I let my younger self surface, throw a mini-temper tantrum (for my husband’s eyes only), made a few ridiculous comments about how I should just plan to go away every weekend, or move to Canada, cried a little, had a restless night of sleep, had my ah-ha moment and then started to get REALLY EXCITED.

Why I am subjecting you to this story? Because, that’s how it goes with a mom-life crisis. We have these opportunities to find our ah-ha moments no matter where we are on the journey. There will come a time when you will be confronted by your own identity. The Daughter, Mom, Wife, Lover, Entrepreneur...

We use these titles to help describe the people we are in the world, but they are not WHO WE ARE. This past weekend I thought I was a physician learning safe and effective movement strategies to enhance strength and mobility by day, and a mother and wife by night. But, after sitting in the uncomfortable muck of emotion that surfaced, and toning down my ego, I realized that I am a strong, capable woman who works hard every day to show up with integrity, who has the power to give life, kiss scraped knees, laugh, love and cry all in one day.

Take a step back and think about all the hats you wear, your different identities. Now think about the person underneath all of that, the one who had the will, stamina and fortitude to get you where you are today. That is who you are. That is the person who gets hidden, or lost when we start to pin ourselves to a single word.

It's about balancing the person you are with all the hats that you wear, and never being afraid to ask for help in accomplishing your goals. That means being willing to ask your community for what you really need, and being willing to invest resources into your own health and well-being - not spending everything you have on your kids and leaving yourself high and dry!

If you can relate to the idea of having a mom-life crisis, or you’ve ever found yourself floundering between what you think you should do, and what you know you want, I invite you to take a look at my One Page Wellness Consult over here. It’s my way of helping you find your footing. By taking simple, effective and efficient steps towards your health goals you become just a little more YOU.

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What Will You Do with This Day?

5/1/2018

2 Comments

 
Picture
Your time and energy are precious and limited

There will always be more undone than done... in a day, a week, a quarter, a vacation, a lifetime...  Once I truly got this deep down in my gut, it was a huge ah-ha moment! 
It allowed me to get real about what's "enough!" 

When we accept this reality, we get to choose in each moment how we want to spend our precious time and energy. We get to choose what is enough for us, moment to moment. 

So today, how will you choose to spend your precious time?  And can you be ok with letting the rest go for now?  It is Sunday after all... and the sun might be shining!  What would bring you sheer delight? 
Go for it!!  I am cheering you on with much love!

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com