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Grace

11/8/2020

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I’ve been pondering “grace” as we move toward our Virtual Mini Retreat on the 11th, Finding Grace.  I wonder if it may be slightly mis-named, as I think grace may be unfindable.  Grace finds you. 

What is grace?  It is not those words we rotely recited at dinner as a child (or maybe, for you, it is). 

You can witness it, experience it, feel it, but it seems to be beyond words.  It’s not something you work at, but rather an ethereal quality that enters into both beautiful and troubling moments of life.  There is an opening to grace, an allowing that happens. 

Grace is present in the pre-dawn hours when a mother sits in the dark, gently rocking her sweet sleeping baby.  Grace is present in the soft kiss on the brow of a dying loved one.  Grace enters in and carries us in the moments we don’t lose it in the midst of rage and confusion – when instead we are able to stand steady and face whatever is here.  When we are able to be clear, confident, and compassionate, even as our voice quakes and our whole being shakes. 

Grace is a Divine presence that encircles us when we come together in times of fierce and gentle love.  Grace holds us when we surrender and allow ourselves to be led.  Grace is also present in the strong actions of protest against injustice and wrong-doing.  When we find the courage to stand up and face our oppressor, and say “no more” in a clear and unwavering stance, grace surely stands by our side. 

Grace is witnessed in the silent prancing of the deer, the smooth flight of the seagull, the head toss of a frolicking horse.  In the breath-taking performance of a ballerina or a singer taken over by a mighty force from within.  Those moments that leave you breathless.  I think grace is present there.

So, how do we “find grace?”  We quiet our minds.  We slow down our busy selves.  We open our hearts and our eyes to notice.  We breathe softly.  We listen deeply.  We love fiercely. 

Grace is in the magic of the rising and setting sun, the changing of the leaves to orange, yellow, and red, in the delicate uniqueness of the snowflake.  Grace can be soft, and it can also be fierce. 

Grace is in the miracle of lives spared in unimaginably treacherous situations.  It is in the reuniting of lost loved ones.  It is in the protection of the imprisoned as they find their way home.  Grace finds us and opens us if we allow it. 

Grace is in the language of the poet, the flow of the dance, the stroke of the artist’s brush, the gentleness of the breeze, and the reflection of the still pond. 

For something that is beyond words, I’ve just found a lot… after all, grace is worthy of our curiosity, our exploration, our inquiry.  Grace deserves to have us sit with her and feel her softness and her strength in the beating of our heart, the pulsing of our veins.  Grace is a life force energy all its own. 

We will not see it in the blustering of an enraged person or in one driven by fear or vengeance.  Does grace exist in fear?  I don’t know, but I do know it can glide in as a balm if we allow it.
 
Grace is admitting when the fight is over and walking away.  Grace is embodied in acceptance, and it walks hand in hand with dignity.  Grace is woven into the tapestry of healing and recovery.  Grace is in the eyes of the one who can look beneath the surface, into the heart and soul of another, and see the essential goodness.  

Grace is in extending compassion to those who have hurt you. It slips into the dark places of pain to say, “May I begin to forgive you in order to release my soul from the agony of so much anger, hatred, and blame.”  Grace says, “I’m sorry.  I was wrong.  I didn’t mean to hurt you.  Please forgive me.”  Grace loves when it seems unreasonable, and grace also holds the boundary that says, I love me too, and this I cannot/will not endure any longer.

Grace will guide us when we ask to be led to it.  In the quiet still moments, ask.  What do you find?  Invite it in.  Let it hold you in troubling times.  What do you feel?  It is worthy of noticing. 

For me, this simple exploration has softened me.  It has slowed my entire being.  It has calmed each cell in this body and soothed my racing mind. 

Grace holds fiercely, but lightly, what she stands for.  Grace is Divine.  It cannot be defined, for words limit its boundlessness, but it can most certainly be felt and seen. 

It is the sparkle in the darkest of times that whispers, “We will be ok.  We will be ok.  We are ok.  We are stronger than we think, and we will get through, but not by kicking and screaming and forcing things to go away.   We will be ok when we accept and allow, and show up to follow our guidance.  We will be ok.” 

Thoughts?  I invite you to sit with the idea of grace.  What comes up for you?  Please share. 

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Lessons Learned from My Mom...

11/1/2020

2 Comments

 
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This time of year marks the anniversary of my mom’s passing.  It’s been 17 years now, and I have been reflecting on the life and love I was blessed to share with her while she was here.  I thought it would break me to lose her, and it didn’t.  I still feel her with me, even now.  She lives on in my heart. 

My mother was a beautiful blend of sweetness, gentleness, kindness, shyness, humility, feigned incompetence, and fierce fiery grit.  This woman would helplessly ask me to change her clock time or her lightbulb, but she faced cancer like a warrior woman! 

Here are just a few of the lessons I learned from my dear mother:



Do not collapse when you think you can’t go on – You are stronger than you think!
When my dad left her for another woman after 32 years in an era when a woman’s only job was to devote her entire life and being to her family, she did not collapse.  Facing unwanted independence in her early 50’s, she showed up for herself.  She hadn’t worked since her 20’s, but she launched herself into temp work that ultimately led her to a position in our local library that she held onto into her early 70’s because she loved it so much.

Kindness is the way to go.  Give people the benefit of the doubt. 
When a waitress was particularly gruff, rather than getting upset about how badly we were being treated, Mom brought in gentleness, understanding and compassion… offering “Maybe she just broke up with her boyfriend…”

Don’t bear a grudge – forgive and bring loving compassion to people and situations, even when it doesn’t seem reasonable
After my parents’ divorce, she never spoke unkindly about my dad and encouraged us to be involved with him.  She found a way to forgive, I guess.  I don’t think she had a bitter bone in her body, but rather gave people grace, compassion, and loving kindness. 

Flow with what life brings your way
I always knew I would lose my mother too early in my life – she was 44 when she had me, after all.  I was undoubtedly an accident (ultimately a happy one, I believe) after my parents adopted my oldest brother when it seemed they couldn’t have kids, and subsequently gave birth to 4 more.  It had been 10 years since a baby had been in the home and my sister was deathly ill.  I don’t know how my mom did it, but somehow, she created a loving home for one more.  She opened her arms to a baby, tended to her daughter in the hospital, cared for the others, and pulled it all together – finding a way to clean the house, cook the meals, bake the cookies, and love on us as if we were all that mattered.  She was the epitome of a good mother!

Be free!!  Enjoy this life.
When I was 12, my dad left us, having found a woman who he thought better matched his intellectual and adventurous tendencies.  While devastating in some ways, this also deepened the richness of my life with my mom and our opportunities to live our own adventurous life!  I was the only one at home, so we bonded together and began to travel the world – we ate out more often, we laughed more often, we found things we enjoyed doing together, and we became best friends.  We made it through, and we made it through in style, choosing to live rather than crumple into a defeated puddle.  St. Croix, Disney, Texas, Arizona, and cruises called to us, and we said “Yes!”  Summers were spent at our cottage in the Finger Lakes, playing cards, savoring root beer floats, entertaining friends and family, and basking in the beauty and peace of this place that mom had bought with her own money. 

Don’t be fooled by the soft veneer – underneath a mighty giant lies in wait to awaken when she is called
When Mom was 72, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent treatment involving surgery, radiation, and medication.  Grateful to live nearby I was able to support this modest woman with wound care, meals, home care, and rides.  She went on to beat this cancer and found remission.  She lived life and enjoyed her family, friends, work, music, theater, and travel.  Cancer was not going to stop her. 

Persevere in the face of adversity
6 years later, a new cancer came, likely a result of the medication she had taken for the breast cancer.  She stayed with us post-surgery and my family and I were able to support her through recovery, and the ongoing chemo.  She loved her medical team and even seemed to look forward to her chemo days.  She did all that she could to beat this disease so that she could continue to thrive. 

When the choice is life, choose it!
For nearly three decades she had shown me what it could be like to live life fully, and she wasn’t about to stop now.  She made the decision to leave the home she had lived in for about 20 years to move into a senior living facility in order to have community and support.  Moving is always a big transition, but she handled it with grace and ease.  She enjoyed meeting new people and sharing activities and meals with them.

When it’s time to go, go in your own way. 
On the day before her death, my sister and I (having no idea that the end was so near) visited with her, cleaned her apartment, ironed her clothes and got things in order.  I think this mattered a lot in the sense that things were “tidied up.”  She had hurt herself in a fall over a week before and was in a good deal of pain, food no longer tasted good and that was a big loss for my mom – she loved to enjoy her food!

I don’t even know why, but I asked her if she sometimes wished she could just die, and she acknowledged that yes, she did.  I suspect there was an unspoken permission to go in that conversation.  She told the nurse that night that she wished she could just close her eyes and drift away…  this seems to be exactly what she did.  They found her the next morning, “unconscious and unresponsive.” 

And, though it wasn’t the end I envisioned, because I strongly wanted to be with her by her side as she passed, I realize she would never have wanted that.  She loved us but would not have wanted to distress us with her final breaths.  I find comfort in witnessing how much choice she seemed to have in the timing of her departure – before the cancer that was invading her belly took over and things got really miserable.  She went at the exact age she had always told me “seemed like a good age to die.”  She had lived a full, rich, and loving life, and she was ready to be done.

Love transcends time and space.
I still feel her here with me, breathing through me, inside of me, emanating out, supporting me as I move through my life.  I know she walks with me, loves me, and looks over us all.  I can lean into her soft and gentle embrace (I can still feel how gloriously smooth, warm, and soft her skin was).  I can remember her tender look and feel.  I am softened by her sweetness.  I thought it would kill me to lose her.  It hasn’t.  It has added to my will to live, and I will be forever grateful for that! 

I love you and miss you every day, Mama Bear!!  Thank you for being my mother and my best friend!
​

p.s. a few more lessons that might have supported me and might serve you well:
Baking soothes the soul (as do the smell and taste of fresh-baked bread, cookies, and cake!)!!
There’s always time and room for “a little something” (her version of a shared sweet treat)
Live well, laugh often, love deeply!
Wishing you a little something sweet this week!!  


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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
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barb@inspiredpossibility.com