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Sitting with Sadness

7/24/2019

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I woke up feeling super sad the other morning...and I don't really know why.  As I journaled with the grey rain falling down around me, the tears came, and I just let them.  As the day went on, I also spiraled into moments of frustration, anger, self-doubt, self-judgment - basically a messy stew of ickiness that I really don't like sitting in!  As I made up stories about why I was feeling this way, I knew they were just that - stories made up by me that weren't grounded in reality, but just a reflection of how shitty I was feeling, wanting to be able to place the blame somewhere, wanting to somehow make sense of this... 
 
Sitting with sadness… 
Can you sit with it?  Of course, you can, but who wants to?  I find myself having many other preferred feelings and an acute desire to jump out of my own skin and beyond the sadness into whatever’s next!  Anything is better than this lonely empty place.  Sometimes even anger is a welcome relief, simply to break up the dull ache.

And yet, if I can sit with my sadness when it’s here, this is part of coming home to myself. With love, with honesty, with kindness and compassion, and with integrity. With tears, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, with all of my doubts and worries.  This IS self-care – the part we don’t often talk about.

When I can consciously sit with my sadness, I allow myself to sink into the feeling in my body – is it warm, heavy, tingly, spiky?  I let go of pretending that everything is fine. I let the tears flow.   I let go of the forced smile. 

I let go of the things I do to avoid feeling the sadness – you know, filling up my time with busy tasks, getting lost in social media hoping to find some true connection (oh, honey… this is not where you’ll find that!), housing that pint of Haagen Das (it really doesn’t even taste good), sleeping longer than I need to, or distracting myself basically in any way possible. 


Filling the Void... 
We all have our ways of seeking to fill that void.  Brené Brown talks about it as numbing and Jennifer Louden names these are our “shadow comforts.”  These things that we do take us away from the uncomfortable feeling.  They may even appear to be good choices at times, but they don’t really fill us up or nourish us.  In fact, they usually take us away from the things that truly would. 

And yet, all of this is part of being human.  We all go through these times, and it can be hard to know what to do with it.  I was talking with my friend, Mary, about this and she shared an experience of sitting with one of her young students whose feelings had been hurt.  She offered him this choice... did he want her to give him strategies to feel better or just let him be sad for as long as he needed to?  He chose to just feel sad... for about 5 minutes bawled his eyes out while she sat with him and gave him all the space he needed to feel exactly what he was feeling.  Then he was done.  Ready to move on.  What a gift Mary gave this little boy.  Too often we rush to find the "feel good" feeling again and skip over this part of our humanity.  Too often we try to make others feel better rather than just sitting with them. 

You are Not Alone... 
Does it suck?  Yup.  Does it mean there’s something wrong with you?  Not necessarily.  Are you alone when you're in this place?  No.  It sure felt that way to me that morning, and yet in reality, I was not.  I found a couple of friends who have the ability to sit with me in my messiness and hear all of the dark thoughts that creep into my mind.  I cried.  I remembered we all have these days.  I didn’t beat myself up too terribly much for being in that state.  Too often we add to the suffering by getting upset with ourselves for being upset! 

So, the next time you find yourself swamped by sadness, whether it’s expected or not, whether it makes sense or not, give yourself the grace of being a human being who feels.  I invite you to allow yourself the time to gently be with yourself and allow yourself to feel into it, rather than trying to push it down or away.  Be with yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feels – it is oh, so natural.  Give yourself the grace to get the support you need – reach out to a friend, get to a counselor, ask for help and allow yourself to receive it.   You don’t have to go it alone… 

And, if this is more than a passing sadness, but something that is taking you down and out of your life, please seek professional help.  Here are some resources to get you started: National Institute of Mental Health.

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Do You Feel Free?

7/1/2019

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I woke one morning last week clearly hearing this question in a woman’s voice in my head: “Barb, do you feel free?”  It has stayed with me since then.  It’s hung around because I’m not sure how to answer it.  In many ways, yes, I absolutely feel very free.  And then there are the ways I don’t… the ways I hold myself back and the reasons I do.  The things I let stop me.  The beliefs behind those decisions.  The people I care about and what I think they need from me.  Responsibilities, obligations, and commitments.  Financial realities.  Rules and laws. 

What does “free” even mean?  Apparently that’s a great question since Merriam-Webster has 15 definitions, many with their own sub-definitions…  Take a look and see which ones you are curious about.

The one thing that helps me to feel free is to remember that I am always at choice -- as long as I am willing to accept the consequences of my choice.  I don’t get to choose how other people behave, but I am not powerless about how I respond.  I get to decide what my role will be, what words I will say and what actions I will take.

I don’t get to choose my feelings – they come in without warning quite naturally. But I do get to choose what I do with those emotions.  How I respond, how much weight I give them, how long I stay with them.

I do have choice, even though I may not realize it in the moment. 
Freedom to choose is paramount.
. 
I think I’ll spare you further musings while I continue to ponder this question that is landing deep in my being and invite you to join me. 

Do you feel free?  What does “free” mean to you and how do you know if you are or aren’t?  Where do you feel free?  Where do you feel trapped or powerless?  How might you bring in some more freedom to your days?  Why is free important?  What would life be like if you were free? 

Here’s one of my favorite songs to accompany you as you explore. 


Please, please share in the comments below.  This feels like a rich conversation! I look forward to hearing your insights and thoughts. 

Thanks for playing!  

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com