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Mind Your Business

11/30/2022

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I’ve heard this said a number of ways from the not very nice “Mind your own business!” to a gentler reminder to “stay in your lane, in your boat, or in your hula hoop.”  I’ve come to take it as sage wisdom, not a harsh rebuke.  A “prescription for peace” as my friend and colleague, Joanne Richards, calls it. 

When we love someone with substance use disorder or other mental health issues, we can find ourselves in their business a lot.  They aren’t doing well.  Things don’t add up.  The stories we’re getting or what we’re observing don’t compute with what we’re being told, so we’re going to get to the bottom of it. But, can we, really?  We’re not in the other person’s head or life, so we won’t truly know what’s happening unless they share it with us.  We can only make up our own stories.  Stories which often lead to more wondering, more worrying, more distress. 

We can do this with friends and other loved ones too - they haven’t called or replied to a text.  What’s that mean?  Are they mad?  Did I do or say something wrong?  Are they ok?  What’s wrong?   People are complex, so we never know what may or may not have upset someone.  We don’t really know what’s going on for them unless we talk to them directly about it.  Our mind masterfully, effortlessly, and unknowingly dreams up disaster scenarios in the blink of an eye.

How do we know when we’re out of our business?

Here are some of the common ways we might find ourselves out of our business and into someone else’s. Read through with gentleness and without self-judgment.  Maybe some familiar to you too. Great!  You’ve just raised your awareness!  Now you get to choose what to do with that! 
  • Finding ourselves wrapped up in fear, struggle, and resentment. 
  • Spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about this other person.  Checking the phone for calls or texts or checking in with them repeatedly.  Monitoring their activity and whereabouts.  Believing you need to know what’s going on with them.  If you don’t hear from them, you worry if they’re all right.  
  • Lying in bed, mind drifting into sleuth mode trying to piece together bits of stories or observations to figure out what’s really going on (at least in a way that makes sense to the mind).  Looking for inconsistencies, trying to make sense of what’s unknown.  When we don’t know the truth of what’s real, we make up all kinds of stories so our mind has something to hold onto. 
  • Seeking answers to the unknown, forgetting that we can never really know the future.  
  • Losing sleep grasping for control in any way we can because things feel so out of control.  
  • Wandering throughout the day aimlessly during unscheduled times.  Unsure what to do, nervous energy carrying us from one thing to the next… doing a little of this and a little of that, but lacking the focus to dive deeply into any one thing for any length of time. 
  • Eating for comfort rather than for hunger or nourishment.  “Stress eating” is a real thing… and I am very, very good at it!  Eating our feelings… it happens!  
  • Connecting our sense of peace and well-being directly to someone else’s.  Unless they’re doing well, we can’t be either. 

How do you know when you’re out of your business and into someone else’s?  What are your clues?

Why does it matter?

This is particularly important for those of us with whom mental health is at play or substance use is in the field because chaos and frenzy can easily become the norm, and it can consume you. 

Finding ourselves out of our business matters because in those moments we are not honoring our peace and well-being.  We are sacrificing them to concerns that are out of our control.  We may be adding on to the suffering by beating ourselves up for doing this because “we know better.”  Knowing and doing are not the same thing, turns out!

Byron Katie talks about “your business, their business, and God’s business.”  Much of what we worry about falls in the latter 2 categories, so when we can rein it in and come back home to this being, to our business, we can relax a bit.  If we accept the reality of what we can control or even influence, we will see that it’s very little of our world.  Maybe then we can give up trying… In a really healthy way. 

When I find myself out of my own business and fretting about someone else I can actually say to myself, “OK, come back here… right here.  This breath, this body, this being” and feel myself relax into the true moment I’m in. 

What can you do differently?

Here are some ideas that have worked for me.  YOU are the expert on you.  See what resonates with you and what you might like to try.  What do you know to do but have lost track of or gotten out of the practice of doing? (It happens to all of us!)

Begin by shifting the focus back from the other person to yourself.  To your self-awareness, personal growth, to your peace, your joy, your desires, the core of who you are. 

Shift your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right or good in your life.  Recognize that this is not an either-or proposition.  We live within the whole of it.  There is always beauty and goodness to be found.

Find simple tasks that have a start and finish to them (or break larger tasks down into small chunks) - that sense of completion can be very satisfying. 

It takes practice to come back to ground, back to center, when you live in never-ending chaos.  To come home to yourself requires self-awareness in order to even know that you’ve left yourself.  It takes a willingness to break the cycle of spin. 

It takes a desire to honor your peace and well-being.  We say we value these things over and over, yet how often do we de-prioritize them in favor of something else, consciously or unconsciously?  How often do we push them away, choosing to swim in fear and despair instead?  How often do we forget that we really do have choices about our own behavior?  Where do we begin? 

Begin with a PAUSE.  You’ve likely heard me say this a million times, because this is the number one tool I know for getting grounded.  Take a breath.  Take a step back.  Observe yourself - what are you doing?  Where is your mind going?  Get into your body and feel your breath moving in and out of you. 

Rather than push away the worrisome thoughts and feelings, allow them to be there (they’re here anyway, and we really can’t stop them from coming).  Meet them gently, with love, with understanding, with compassion and care.  Feelings come whether they make sense or not.  The thoughts you have probably do make sense, especially if past history has shown you what could happen.  When we stop fighting with them or beating ourselves up for having them, they may just dissolve on their own.  Likely they will at least soften.  Put your hand on your heart or give yourself a gentle hug and just tend to your own precious being.

Also, get curious.  Question your thoughts - are you certain that they’re true?  What happens for you when you let go of or stop repeating a distressing story?  When you stop spinning it over and over in your mind or telling it to others?  Notice what you feel in your body, heart, and mind.  What’s different in your energy and presence?

Once you catch yourself solidly in someone else’s business, find the practices that support you in disengaging and realigning with your true self, getting solid within your core. 

How can you give yourself a break?  How might you take some time and space away, for yourself?  Putting the phone on Do Not Disturb, turning it off, or putting it away is one of the greatest things we can do for our own mental health these days.  This little device can pull us out of the present more quickly than anything I know.  It breaks connection with the person right in front of you (even having your silent phone out can do that - if it pings or chimes even more so). For more on that, check out Omega's article, "Put Down Your Device & Pick Up Your Life." 

Also, if and when it makes sense, connect.  Reach out.  Listen to what’s up for the other person.  You can share your concerns if there’s an opportunity to do so in a loving (non-lecturing) way, but it may be more valuable just to get together and listen, really listen. 

Give yourself time for your own nourishment and nurturing. Are you eating in a way that truly feeds you, body, mind, and spirit?  Are you getting the sleep you need?  Drinking enough water?  These are some of the basics, so start there. 

Then, stretch a bit… when was the last time you just let yourself have fun?  Played for no reason at all?  Laughed out loud so hard you thought you’d pee your pants?  Lazed around doing whatever you wanted for more than 5 minutes, without guilt or apology? 

Nourishing our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits is a worthwhile endeavor.   Unless and until we take care of ourselves, we’re going to keep showing up to life in a way we don’t like - frenzied, frantic, scared, angry, yelling… 

Tune in to who you want to be and how you want to be, especially in this relationship. Do what you can to reconnect with that version of you.  

Send out a prayer or light a candle for a person you love who you’re concerned about.  Send love out through the airwaves - this fills you both up with this beautiful energy. 

Send loving texts of support and don’t wait for or even expect a reply.  Stop asking questions you don’t really want the answers to or won’t believe anyway. 

Breathe and ease up.  Consider that things might be ok (because maybe they really are).  Let go of being the 911 operator, and maybe don’t be available for all the crises when they arrive.  Stop being the one who thinks they have to connect all the dots. 

Continue to learn and practice healthier, more effective, more intentional ways of being.  Allow yourself to be imperfect and awkward as you try out things that might not come naturally.  Discover the payoff for yourself. 

What if?

What if things are working out in a way you can’t see or imagine?  They might be.  Isn’t it as possible as the disaster scenarios the mind so skillfully devises? 

Permission to hope, to dream, and to remember that miracles happen all the time.  You’ve heard the stories.  Why couldn’t they be true for you or your loved one? 

Remember to catch moments and appreciate the beauty that they offer.  Lean into enchantment over fear.  Rest into good enough and stop doing too much.  Gentle yourself through the hard times.  Remember, you are most worthy of your own love.  And know that you are most certainly not alone in the struggles. 

Thoughts? 

How does this land with you? What are the ways you get back to your own business, your own center when life pulls you off?  Please share in the comments.  We learn together.  We grow together.  We find new ways when offered a fresh perspective.  

And, if you would like to join Joanne Richards for her next (free program) Prescription for Peace on Saturday, December 10th, please register here.  I find her offerings invaluable, and will be there!  Maybe I'll see you!  Who couldn't use a little more peace at this time of year?  

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Catching Moments

11/25/2022

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It struck me recently how easy it is to miss the simple, little moments that make up most of life, waiting for some grand event - either a catastrophe or a wild victory.  Which got me thinking how important it is to slow down, to pause much more regularly, in order to notice. To not miss what’s right here. 

Fear... so adaptable...  
I’ve also noticed how freaking adaptable fear is… it doesn’t go away.  It just morphs from one thing to another.  Once an issue feels pretty stable or secure, fear goes looking for what to worry about next. 

And that’s why it’s important to pause from time to time and get some perspective.  To say to yourself, “Self… would you have worried about this a year ago?”  If the answer is “Hell no! This would have been better than anything I could have ever imagined…” well, then, we need to remind ourselves to notice what’s good and right in this moment.  To appreciate it.  To not miss it. 

Will there always be things to be afraid of and worry about if you have that tendency?  Sure!  And, is it possible to keep the fear of what might be from getting in the way of the beauty of what’s right here?  It is.  With a lot of awareness and ability to take a step back. 

That’s what I’ve been doing a lot lately.  Finding myself getting caught up in a frenetic spin, checking myself with a sweet, “hey now, wait just a minute…”  and reflecting.  Seeking that perspective.  Remembering how things have been much worse.  Remembering that I have no idea what the future holds.

Coming into this moment and appreciating it for what it is. 

Finding Beauty... 
Cheryl Strayed shares her mother’s sage wisdom to “put yourself in beauty’s way.”   What does that mean to you?  To me, it means looking for beauty each and every day.  Beauty in the physical world and also beauty at the heart level - beautiful interactions, small, simple moments - a shared hug, a shared tear, a shared laugh, or a quiet moment alone.  All beautiful in their own way. 

And in Keep Moving: Notes on Loss, Creativity, and Change, Maggie Smith shares how she and her children regularly call out to one another for “beauty emergencies!”  Come see the sunset before it’s gone.  Catch the eagle in flight!  Take in the beauty of the snow softly falling.  Let everything else wait and come here right now.  This is an emergency!  I love it!!

To me all of these reminders call me back to my quest to live life while I’m here.  To not miss the things that matter - saying yes to invitations and opportunities to be with people I love.  Prioritizing the things and people who matter most to me and to my heart and soul.  Finding gratitude - each and every day, no matter my mood, no matter the circumstances, it’s there waiting for me.  Finding it helps to balance perspective even on dark, sad, scary days. 

Finding One Good Thing...
This month my friend, Christine Callahan Oke proposed that for the month of November we share One Good Thing per day - #onegoodthing - and it’s been great.  Knowing that every day I will find something to share that is it for me that day.  Seeing what others are noticing and appreciating.  I think I may just keep it going even beyond November.  Why not?  It’s these simple practices that help us build our resilience, our appreciation, and our presence in life. 

Life is made of many moments.  Sometimes the simplest are the sweetest.  Let them be enough.  Let go of waiting for the grand event or the grand finale. It really is the steps along the way that create the journey that is our life.  


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Grappling with Life's Questions

11/8/2022

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PictureImage by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
Do I matter? Does my life matter?  What’s my purpose?  Am I doing enough?  What IS enough? Whether we say them out loud or not, many of us (myself definitely included) grapple with these questions from time to time or on a regular basis.  

Even though for many years I’ve held the mantra “No striving, driving, or pushing” and I truly feel the relief and freedom in claiming that, inside I still secretly berate myself for not being ambitious enough.  When I meet people who are DOING so many great things - big things that are changing the world, I unwittingly compare myself and come up short. Even when I'm choosing to not do too much!  Even when I'm happy with life as it is and not looking to grow or do more... 

I am reminded of my friend, Steve Aman’s question to me on the last day of Leadershape - a grueling few days in the Adirondacks challenging ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally in an arena that was not my strength.  There had been things I had opted out of (and then reluctantly and with a ton of support tried again).  There had been things that terrified me, things that amused me, things I was willing enough to try and others that were an absolute “Oh, hell no!” 

I was not going to scale a telephone pole, somehow find a way to stand on top of it and throw myself into space toward some acrobat bar.  I was not going to blindfold myself and walk forward (or backward as some did) on the high beam or across the broken swing bridge.  I did get myself to the wire and across it.  I did pair up with Michael and do the “Wild Woozy,” leaning into each other’s hands as we traversed wires that slowly drifted further and further apart so that the only thing holding us up was our weight leaning into each other’s hands.  And I DID rappel off the 80’ cliff (or 800’ - I honestly don’t remember!  I only knew it was a BIG number that terrified me), even after watching some pretty skillful people get caught upside down for a bit. 

So, on this last day there - a day designed for “play,” my dear friend Steve asked me, “Do you have anything left to prove?”  The answer was clear.  No, I did not… “Then go have fun,” he grinned and sent me on my way.  I could watch others perform their feats and cheer them on, but I had done enough.  I’d do the swing and scream my primal scream ‘cause that looked kind of fun… but, other than that, I was good. 

So, in life.  How do we know when we’ve done enough?  How do we reach a point of nothing more to prove?  Is it measured by a certain income or amount in our bank account or retirement fund?  Does it come from winning a certain award or working your way up to a particular title?  Is it the number of hours you work or the number of people you’ve served or the number of likes or views on your Instagram post?  Giving a TEDx talk?  Does it come after we’ve finally done or created “the thing?” We’ve written the book, created the program, given the talk, taught at THE place in THE room or on THE stage we’ve been aiming for… is that enough?  

It doesn’t seem it.  More often than not, people seem to turn around and start striving again for the next thing.  Sometimes they barely even acknowledge that accomplishment (no matter how huge) before shooting for the next. 

I’d like to share a little reflection I wrote about “Enough,” rising out of a beautiful conversation with my friend, Sharon Rosen, who told me of a beautiful Hebrew word, dayenu.  As Sharon explained it to me, dayenu means “it would have been enough.”  What a concept.  Something to rest into.  The way I want to live - so that when I die, I truly can feel “it was enough.” 

Enough
by Barb Klein
 
If I only did well with my own family, it would be enough.
If I only wrote this book for me, it would be enough.
If I’d only ever done what I’ve already done, it would have been enough.
If I could remember and believe this, I would believe I have nothing left to prove.  Nothing at all…
I am enough.  Exactly as I am.  What I’ve done - is enough.
 

Can I lean into my own enoughness?  Can I embrace it and simply live the rest of my life for me, tending to me?  Trusting that that will allow me to show up for others as a way that feels good, fills me, isn’t like the way anyone else is doing it? 

Can I let go of ideas of how things should go and allow them to unfold? 
Can I allow myself to be supported?
Can I be willing to ask for opportunities and for help to find these opportunities?
Focus on my own healing, growth, creativity, and let it lead where it may (or not).

It is enough. 
It will have been enough.
I feel the deep contentment in that.
 
It’s time to heal - to release all the grief I carry - to breathe in the pines.  To listen to the wind - to feel the breeze.
It’s enough.
 
Let go the rushing.
Let go the frenzy.

Let them have their fun - their antics - their way. 
You have yours and it is not theirs, most certainly.
You, my beloved, are enough, just as you are. 

If I never lost another pound,
built another muscle,
or walked another mile,
It would be enough. 
 
Nothing to push for, strive for, or drive for!
Those days are behind me.

There’s no goal I can achieve
that will make me any more me.
 
And that’s all I long to be -
Fully, wholeheartedly me!
 
We are such fascinating creatures with our stories of “I’m not enough!  I’m too much!  I have to do more! I have to keep going, doing, achieving, proving…”  Is any of it true?  Worth checking in on!  We are each whole, complete, and completely worthy just by being.  Our worth is not determined by anything outside of ourselves.  And we are the only ones who can decide for ourselves how much we want to do, how much we need to create, how much we need to serve, and what is enough. 
 
I invite you to check out Jen Louden’s wisdom on the Conditions of Enoughness and see how you might apply this in your own life.  YOU get to decide.  You get to define what is enough for you, based on your very real life.  You get to choose to lighten up a bit on yourself.  And to keep practicing, over and over, because this too, is a practice.  I’m working on it. 
 
Where can you lower the bar for yourself rather than continually raising it, raising it, raising it?  What can you rest into as “exactly enough?”  What are you striving for that you can relax about, let go of?  We are so hard on ourselves and so easily judgmental of what we have or haven’t done.  
 
Just for today… be gentle with yourself.  Just for today… let it be enough.  Whatever “it” is. 
 

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Enchantment

11/1/2022

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PictureAutumn Trees
Last time I wrote on September 7th, it was from a place of stillness…that magical place of contemplation and inner reflection.  It was right before I went into the studio to record 111 Invitations audio book!  I am thrilled to let you know that it is now finished and became available on Audible on October 19th (the anniversary of my Mama's passing)!!   It feels really good to bring to completion a project I've dreamt of for about 6 years! Sometimes these things take time. How cool that this post is going up on 11-1!?
 
Sometimes it's a matter of finding the right people or allowing enchantment and magic to do their thing… in this case, I had no idea who could help me, how much something like this would cost, if I even had the rights to do it, etc… then all of a sudden, I connected with just the right person (Jennifer Collins - more about her later) who connected me with another “just right” person - Linda Mazur (also more about her in a bit - the 3 of us, plus Linda's husband, Jack, are cooking up some special goodness in November which we hope you'll join us for! Keep scrolling for all the details!).  
 
Both of them connected me with Scott Fitzgerald of RocVox Recording (who I already sort of knew about because he records another friend's podcast…) and things came together super easily and super quickly! The studio location?  Um, the very same office space where I held my very first Discovering A New Life Direction workshop many moons ago!  I love those times of synchronicity, flow, ease, allowing things to unfold and come together with just the right amount of effort but very little force!  
 
There’s a little touch of enchantment in that!  “Enchantment…” a word that has awakened and enlivened me since Liz Gilbert offered an opportunity to know our enchantment in a virtual retreat.  She shared that enchantment is the part of you that likes things… it’s where you get that warm, yummy feeling inside.  Things like warm cinnamon vanilla pudding or a double rainbow or a baby’s giggle are laced with enchantment.  Enchantment lives in each of us…  
 
In a time of so much disenchantment it’s more important than ever that we find ways to connect with this vibrant energy.  That we ask it to tell us what it likes, what it hates, who it wants to be around and what it hopes we never do again.  Liz invited us each to write a letter to ourselves from our enchantment using the prompt “Dear _______,  I am your enchantment and this is what I want to tell you.”  
 
In 5 minutes, I had a letter that let me know so many truths about what I’m longing for, what I need more of in my life, what I need to let go of.  For those who know me, you know I am captivated by sunsets on a daily basis… doesn’t matter that they happen ever day. They take my breath away. Same with full moons, golden leaves, puppy dogs, and hot fresh-baked cinnamon fried cakes!  My enchantment loves to dance and sit by the fire.  She loves being with people I love and making time for deep connections and playful ones too.  She hates when I overwhelm my schedule with too many things or when I compare myself to others.  
 
As other people in the group shared their letters, we heard common themes and saw that enchantment doesn’t cost millions of dollars or require a lot of time. It only requires that we stop to notice… it often lies in simple things like nature or other people.  It exudes beauty.  It’s readily accessible.  It awakens our spirit and carries hope.  It lives in fun and play.  
 
Since that day in mid-September, I have added a bit of communing with enchantment each day in my morning journaling.  I ask it what it’s got for me today.  I notice my interactions with it are more playful than even my gratitude or when I was asking Love what it would have me know.  With enchantment it’s more of a light-hearted banter.  She reminds me to lighten up and not take things too seriously, while also encouraging me not to miss the most precious moments.  I’ve turned to her on hard, sad days to see how she might accompany me even then.  She reminds me what matters most and to not be too hard on myself.  
 
She often reminds me, “Have fun!  Don’t take it or yourself too seriously! Play with it!  Have fun with it!  Let me dance through it… let inspiration come…”  On particularly hard days she holds me with “Be brave.  Stand up for you.  Don’t back down or hurt yourself to make someone else happy.  Not for one minute.  Don’t do it!  Do not abandon yourself! Let yourself breathe and live and be who you are.  Claim your life.  Claim your joy.  Love yourself.”  Another time she offered, “Thank you for finding me again.  I want to play with you.  Bring me into everything - let me be a guiding light.  It's so much more fun that way!  Let me lighten up the dark and heavy times and add sparkle and juice to the fun ones!”  She’s pretty wise, very loving, and has a great sense of humor!  
 
My invitation to you: 
Give it a try!  I invite you to take 5 minutes and write yourself a letter from your enchantment.  Start with Dear____ and see what enchantment would call you (it might be a playful nickname!), I am your enchantment and I want to tell you…   See what it likes, what it hates, who it wants to be around and with whom it doesn’t feel it can come out at all.  
 
Let this energy enliven your days and ways.  I could feel it coursing through my veins for about a month til I lost touch with it a little in the daily grind.  I’m re-connecting now and am very grateful to do so! I invite you to let enchantment light up your days.  
 
Meditation
Our meditation this week, Autumnal Walk Guided Meditation, is led by guest meditator, Laura Gavigan, Founder of Mindful Matters in Rochester, NY.  It is the perfect accompaniment for theme.  Laura guides us on a sensory-rich autumn walk.  I hope you enjoy it and that it brings you the peace and calm it brought to me. 
 
My SoundCloud library has a wide variety of meditations - check it out and see which ones call to you.  

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com