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I Can't____, but I CAN...

8/22/2023

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PictureImage by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
This week feeds off of last week’s “Yes, and…” post because life is built upon those things we say “yes” to and the things we choose to do.  I find myself reflecting on the things I can’t do, while opening to what I can.  Where I choose to focus changes the energy I feel inside - whether it’s heavy and dark or lighter and expansive.  And also, how I show up to life, how I feel in life, and how I move with life. 

There’s much that I can’t do, and there is also much that I can.  The key is to remember choice.  I can sit on my deck or in my yard in the morning or night, appreciating, savoring that I get to live in this place of beauty, listening to my fellow critters…peepers, birds, cicadas, squirrels… letting them be a symphony to my ear and a balm to my soul. 

I can’t control other people’s negative, aggressive behavior (or ever understand why an elderly man in our neighborhood feels a need to ride around on his scooter with a nasty flag flying), but I can choose how I want to show up to this life that is mine.  I can build up my own strength and health.  I can write, speak, and teach, getting messages of compassion and fresh perspective and possibility out to the world.  I can do what I can to “leave behind the world a better way” as the Avett Brothers say in “Salvation Song.” 

I can create, find, and choose joy and peace. I can cultivate gratitude, wonder, and awe. I can do what I can to show up with mindful presence.  I can choose who I am and how I want to be with the life I have been gifted.  If you’d like to consider what a gift this day is, please take a few moments to watch A Grateful Day with Br. David Steindl-Rast.

While I can’t help my own son any longer, I can serve others, people who are someone else’s child.  So, this week, I have taken steps to put together care bags to hand out to people who are homeless, who stand on the corners with scrawled signs, asking for some morsel of kindness.  Instead of looking the other way (which I can’t any more, since I know any one of those people could have been my son on any given day), I now look for opportunities to look these people in the eye, to offer at least my love and a smile if I have nothing else to give.  But I also want to give more.  To extend a hand of kindness to someone who too many look away from, thinking “you can’t save everyone” or “why don’t they go get a job?” or who knows what else. 

And so, I am compiling care bags with snacks, personal supplies, and resource cards for #Neverusealone and local supports for harm reduction and housing.  Since Nate died, I’ve wanted to create cards with his picture on them.  Cards that say “in loving memory of Nate, forever 29” and “I see you.  You matter.  Please take care.  You are not alone.”  Cards that list local numbers which might actually offer help when and if a person reaches out. 

This week I created and ordered those cards.  You too can download and print the Never Use Alone resources here and have them handy when you offer a little money or your kindness to a person in need.  I put together a wish list on Amazon so that others could easily and quickly buy items to help me fulfill this mission.  If you’d like to be one of those angels, I welcome your support and you can find that list here, or email me if you’d like to send a check or online payment for this purpose. 

As I look at the cards with my son’s loving gaze and I pull together the items that I hope will brighten someone’s day, my heart feels full and grateful that I can serve in this way. 

I can choose to live, even though Nate and so many don’t.  I can live for them, to honor their lives.   I can focus on what I can do and be, which will keep me moving forward rather than staying stuck in the agony of what I can’t do.  I can do it honestly, authentically, imperfectly, with integrity that allows all of the human experience as part of it.  I can continue to look for, notice, pause, and savor the beauty that is here every single day, rather than dwelling on the ugly that is much louder and for some reason highlighted by the news and social media.  It seems more prevalent, but I doubt it really is. 

I can do what I can to brighten another person’s day, simply by offering a smile or holding a door, saying “thank you,” letting someone in in traffic.  It doesn’t have to be costly.  And, when able, I can donate time or money, buy someone’s drive-through order without them even knowing (that’s so much fun!).  There are opportunities for kindness every day. 

I can do what I can to help others - to be kind, compassionate, generous, and loving.  And, I can only hope that it makes a difference.  I can’t save my son’s or anyone’s life, but maybe I can make a difference to someone.  It’s certainly worth a try.  Kindness and compassion are in short supply.  Let’s do what we can.  Let us be loving forces of light in this world.  That’s who my son was, and it’s who I hope to be as well.  Out of pain rises purpose and passion to do what I can. 

A lot of what we think we can’t do may be things we simply haven’t learned yet or trained for (more of a “I can’t yet…” or “I don’t know if I can because I’ve never tried.”)  We may surprise ourselves if we open to the possibility that maybe we can.  Don’t close the door too soon. And for the things you know you can’t do, I invite you to look at what you can do instead.  If you can’t help someone you love, who can you serve?  If you can’t do one activity you wish you could, what can you do as an alternative?  If you don’t have the financial means to do something, what might be a nice, affordable substitute? Shifting our focus from what we can’t do, to what we might be able to or what we can, can make a world of difference.  

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Yes, and... Life is One Big Improv

8/14/2023

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Picture
I got together with a friend/teacher/mentor/coach the other day and I’m so glad I did.  As we sat outdoors, enjoying our coffee and lemonade, we talked for over 2 hours about life, death, struggle, and joy.  We shared our truths and our hearts.  So grateful for precious 1:1 time like this - real conversation, heartfelt connection and care for one another, true interest in what’s going on in each other’s worlds.  This man and I do not shy away from the hard topics.  We dive right in.  But we don’t wallow in the misery, by any means.  He also reminded me about joy and the ability to choose.
 
He reignited within me a desire for joy by sharing his commitment to only take on work that brings him joy.  Even in important, life-altering work, joy is possible.  Even with something as heavy as supporting people around substance use and recovery, joy is possible.  I want to work with people who are open to wonder, awe, delight, even in the hardest and heaviest of times.  No doubt watching a loved one struggle, fearing for their life, or losing them certainly are some of the hardest, scariest, heaviest times I’ve known. 

And yet, even after Nate’s death, there are turkeys in wildly unexpected places, owls everywhere, feathers dropping out of nowhere, song lyrics, people appearing out of the blue to amaze and delight us, to touch our hearts, to wake us up to the mystery beyond what our little human minds understand.  Even now he reminds me to be touched by the life we shared, the moments of joy and delight, the laughter, the not-so-serious times before things got so serious, and even the joy we found while they were very serious. 

I don’t need to carry the yoke of his death around my neck forever because the delights of life are also still available to me.  Wonder and awe are everywhere if my eyes are attuned to look for them.  Joy dances in my heart, waiting to be set free.  At a campfire, watching grown women blow bubbles, listening to heart-wrenching music with my sister while coyotes yip and yap in the nearby hedge, feeling both invigorated and a little terrified all at once.  Dancing and singing at a P!nk concert, surrounded by glitter, boas, pink tie-dye, and neon landscapes, holding my breath while she soars overhead, praying that cable and harness hold.  Taking in the early morning sun as it casts its light on the hills, on the lake.  Appreciating moments of silence, the stillness of this day.  The fact that I get another day.  That I get to have time with friends who are delightful rays of sunshine.  Getting to connect with one of Nate’s close friends, and being able to bake for her and get to know him through her heart and eyes.  Time for yoga, time to clean if and when I feel like it.  Making time to write and letting go of any rules I might have once held about what a blog should be.  All these things carry their own kind of miraculous wonder and awe. 

Yes, there is a lot of shit in the world.  A lot of angry, scared, exasperated, and aggressive people out there. I see them every time I hit the highway - their energy shouts at me from their window stickers and their rapid pole-positioning.  I see them online venting their frustrations and accusations.  People who are afraid act out; they try to control because too much feels out of control.  I get it. I’ve been there. 

And yet… music is still being made, gorgeous cakes are being baked and decorated, birds still sing, butterflies dance unaware of this craziness, campfire flames leap and kiss marshmallows to golden perfection, stories are shared, memories held, poems melt hearts, dreams ignite, and beauty  is everywhere. 

If only we slow down enough to notice, even when our hearts are broken, love and wonder, awe and delight are everywhere, available, waiting.  Each day, each moment offering a new beginning.  We do not need to buy into the story that life must be a slog.  We do not need to take on the “poor me” persona that comes when people know you’ve had a devastating loss, are facing a dire challenge, or are in treatment for a disease they’re calling fatal.  Hope can remain.  Miracles abound. Truly. 

Sometimes it’s a game to catch Nate’s signs and to simply delight in them.  I let him know I get it. I see him.  I hear him.  I feel it.  I laugh. I thank him. 

Life does not have to be a burden to bear.  Couples do not have to play out the sitcom roles of annoying and being annoyed with one another.  Workers do not have to surrender their joy for a job they hate, be available for it when they have nothing left to give or when they’re supposed to be done for the day.  No one is obligated to be on call all the time.  Turn off the damn phone and be present with the people right here, to this moment offering itself for your delight. 

We can take back the joy.  Even after the unimaginable has pierced our hearts.  Our hearts still long for love, laughter, excitement, delight.  They really, really do.  Don’t worry.  It doesn’t erase the pain or negate the loss.  But, living in endless suffering honors no one.  Living in constant fear serves no one.  Pushing beyond the point of exhaustion is good for no one.  So, bring on the joy.  Show up to life and embrace it wildly. 

Let life live through you.  Yes, I am broken hearted at the loss of my son, and still I get up each day and engage with life.  Yes, I wish he were still here and we had one more chance, and we don’t, so I choose how I will continue to live. 

Where can you find ways to say, “Yes, this bad thing has happened or is happening, and… still I will ____ (have fun, find delight, rest, create peace, etc., whatever is true for you).”  or “Yes, I do have this responsibility/commitment/obligation, and still I can_____________” 

​Where can you free yourself to live life a little less burdened and a little more playful?  Where can you get curious?  What opportunities might you give yourself?  Because one thing I now know for sure is that life is one big improv.  We don’t know what will be thrown our way, and so it’s up to us to choose, moment by moment how to respond.  How to engage.  

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Birth, Death, and Renewal

8/10/2023

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PictureImage by Daniel Kirsch from Pixabay








​Birth, Death, & Renewal
                by Barb Klein
 
Birth, death, and renewal -
                it’s nature’s way
 
But what is “dead” is never truly gone.
It lives on inside what’s new
It informs and transforms what remains
                What is born anew
 
What was is the foundation
                for what will be
 
Things change, fall apart, evolve, devolve
All touched, shaped by what was
 
We are never separate from our past -
                it’s part of the web we weave for today, tomorrow
 
Skins are shed,
energy lives on
Hearts moved and shaped
                by love that has been
                and love that lives on
 
Seasons
Cycles
Never-ending
Unbroken
 
What will be
                rises from the ashes of what was
 
Hearts, homes, families 
                shift, change, fall away, become
                as people move and people die
 
Who I was, who we were
Forever changed by your birth, your death,
                your presence
 
You cannot be lost to us
You are woven into the fabric of our beings -
part of what makes us who we are
 
We love differently
We live differently
We speak and act and move and are moved differently
                because of you
 
Our very cells are changed
                because you were here,
                because you are here
 
We can never unknow you,
                unfeel you,
                forget you
 
You make us us…
Your light fills our hearts,
Your life fuels our souls -
                guides our way, our mission, our purpose
 
We are forever changed
                for having shared this life with you
 
Thank you for the gift of your being
Thank you for being
Thank you for being part of us,
                forever and always

 
This poem woke me up the other day and needed to be captured right away.  It brought with it an awareness of the truth about nature’s cycle of birth, death, and renewal - not only of a person, but of people who live on after a death.  Families, friends, communities, are affected by one another.  Once touched by someone, we are forever informed by those who have landed in our hearts and souls.
 
Yes, we are shaken, broken apart by loss - death, moves, endings and beginnings - but, what rises from these losses is built upon the past.  What was, who was, lessons learned, hearts opened, insights gained are all beacons to what will become.  To who we will become. 

Perhaps grief is grist for the mill.  It works on us, within us, reshaping who and what comes next.  It’s part of the process - an integral, vital, and powerful force for growth and birth and transformation.  This insight is feeling very alive within me, and I am grateful for that. 

We are forever peeling away layers, touched by what was, who was, what’s happened.  We are fueled by it one way or the other as we step into this next chapter, this next episode of the journey called life. 

Our family is in the midst of so much change.  Nate’s death has shaken us, rocked us to the core.  His life and our experiences with him have shown us so much, too much, and yet not enough.  We can never be who we were before - before he was here, before we lived through it all, before he died.  There is no “going back” to normal, to how things used to be for any of us, ever.  Each moment informs the next.  Opens us to what’s to come. 

For me it inspired and fills me with purpose.  Ignites my passion to create change - change in a world, in ways I never would have imagined had Nate not been a part of my experience. Yesterday I put his photo boards up all around our sunroom.  Everywhere I look, I see Nate’s face, his expression, moments of experiences with him and others.  Every memory, every smile, every tear has etched a place in my heart, planted a seed from which I grow.  Building the foundation upon which I live - the platform from which I launch myself into this new day.  My words, thoughts, actions, imagination all touched by what was. 

There’s a metaphor here that I’m not quite catching yet.  Maybe compost.  The past dissolves, morphs not into something that’s gone, but as fertilizer, nutrient for what’s to come.  This is all very powerful and allows for creation, birth, evolution rather than simply slipping into feeling a victim. 
It empowers me to feel the knowing of this.  Of course there is still sadness and loss - how would there not be?  These emotions also churn and stir things up, breaking apart what was to build anew.  Just as forests are reborn after devastating fires, so too are hearts and people.  (John Roedel has written a beautiful poem about this called “Super bloom”  A poem we used in Nate’s memorial service). 

Let us be touched by the love, by the loss so that we remember to live.

Change - letting go, accepting moves us forward.  As people move on, our dynamics will change.  The nature of our days will be different.  What we need to do.  What we get to do different than before.  How we spend our energy, our money, our time, different, but affected deeply by their presence.   Forever changed by our time together, by our love, by our growth as a group of beings interconnected always.

I smile as I feel Nate’s presence all around.  The presence of loved ones alive and gone - moments that have woven this tapestry of my life.  The beauty that makes me me.  

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!!    

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
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