Inspired Possibility Blog

Life, Death, and Rebirth

5/10/2022

This is the name of one of the Tai Chi moves we do in Tai Chi for Recovery, and it strikes me that this is what this season of Spring is all about.

Nature is making it abundantly clear that we are in a time of transition. Each of these elements: life, death, and rebirth are at play.

I see life in the trees and flowers budding and springing to life, in the baby ducklings scurrying to keep up with their mother as they somersault haphazardly off the bank, frantic to not be left behind. There is life in the call of the migrating loons on our lake – these visitors that are only here for a short while. The longer days with more sunshine and the skies filled with birds flitting busily about feel very much alive.

As trees and plants come to life, we can also see the ones that did not make it. The death and decayed material on the forest floor that now becomes the base of life for new growth.

Rebirth – the perennials and bulbs that miraculously burst through the ground after so many months of hibernation, resting, doing whatever magical things they do in the soil when the snow and grey days are here. The tiny lilacs, their buds the size of a tiny pearl, slowly becoming more vibrant, more open each day.

And I am reminded of these cycles that live within each one of us all the time. We are always in transition, whether we know it or not. Physically our bodies change every single day – as Wayne Dyer used to remind us, we are not the body we were at 6 months old, even though we are still the same person.

As we learn, grow, and evolve, our thoughts change. We find new ways. We unlearn old ones that are not helpful and maybe even harmful. We replace old, destructive habits with new healthy ones. We slip back. We begin again. Life, death, rebirth.

Bursts of inspiration and energy carry us toward possibility. Fear and doubt stop us in our tracks. Then we begin again, slowly gaining traction. Life, death, rebirth.

Dreams and ideas fall away as new ones come to light. Roles are abandoned or redefined. We step into a new sense of self, perhaps one that feels more aligned with who we are in this chapter of our life.

It seems in every group I participate in, people are talking about feeling “up in the air,” uncertain of the future. I sense a heightened awareness to the truth that we don’t know what lies ahead. We don’t know. Individually and collectively, we have no ability to see, with certainty, how our next move will play out down the line. For some at some times this brings fear and anxiety. We want to know. Our minds love to think they’re in charge and that if we craft just the right plan, then surely, we’ll be ok. We’ll be safe. Now we can go ahead. We forget that plans are destined to be changed.

Others are more comfortable with stepping out into risks, taking a chance, making the next move that feels like the next right or best step. We do what we can to set ourselves up for success. And, as we step into action, maybe we weigh pros and cons. We do the research, play out scenarios, try to prepare for all that could come up. (I certainly do that and have likely wasted a lot of time and energy in the past in this mental activity – somehow it makes me feel better. Gives me a false sense of security). Sometimes we simply take a leap of faith, trusting that if we don’t learn to fly, the net will appear.

On my last retreat I spoke about the sense that my heart just keeps breaking open. A friend asked what that looks like. The best answer I could give is that I’m filling with compassion to the extent that I can no longer tolerate things that are not Love. That I feel both a sense of urgency and also a call to slow down and savor. To pause and notice the teeny tiny buds, to listen to the birds, to not miss life’s unfolding. To really be present with a friend. To reach out and put everything else aside so that I can just listen and hear what’s going on in her heart. To stop telling my son what to do, but to get curious, ask, and give him space to open his heart to me. To share our thoughts, our feelings with a sense that what we’re up to is somehow very, very sacred.

And, also, urgency… I feel a pull to show up more and more authentically, to speak up, to speak out, to be part of the revolutionary work I am called to. To notice that there are more causes that need attention than I can even imagine, and if I try to take them all on, I will be completely burnt out and ineffective in everything I do. So, slowing down, asking within and getting clear on what causes I am here to serve. Howard Thurman’s words live in my heart:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

The energy of these words pulses through my heart and veins. I can literally feel it calling me to life. Letting go of ideas I’ve had about who I was or what I should be doing – allowing them to die away so that I can be reborn into this new day. Aligning more and more with what Parker Palmer calls my “soul’s imperative…” That call which I cannot deny.

Can you feel this within yourself? This letting go or dying off of old things, old ways, as you step into new life with fresh energy, new possibility, new beginnings to be born anew as this next version of you?

When I witness people release a career that’s been bogging them down for decades and allow themselves to feel the excitement of a fresh possibility, as they allow their creative muse to take them to a dream that’s been hidden or a light that beckons, I can feel them coming to life! There is a tingling in the air when someone listens to the call of their heart or soul. When someone says “Yes!” to a dream they have no idea how to fulfill. When they simply take that first small step. Life in the making!

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Z is for Zebra!

4/30/2022

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So, I have to thank my friend, Kare, for today’s topic. I was struggling to come up with a word that I had questions about. Zany, was the original idea, but I kind of covered that in my X post about Excitement… and so, as people threw words at me (my sister, Carol, lobbied hard for Zucchini!), I searched for quotes.

Thanking Shel Silverstein for filling in with so many wonderful questions for today’s #AtoZChallenge! Here’s what he had to say:
“I asked the Zebra,
are you black with white stripes?
Or white with black stripes?
And the zebra asked me,
Are you good with bad habits?
Or are you bad with good habits?
Are you noisy with quiet times?
Or are you quiet with noisy times?
Are you happy with some sad days?
Or are you sad with some happy days?
Are you neat with some sloppy ways?
Or are you sloppy with some neat ways?
And on and on and on and on and on and on he went.
I’ll never ask a zebra about stripes...again.”
― Shel Silverstein

I think I’ll just leave you with that! If you’re anything like me, your head is spinning enough about these brilliant questions from the Zebra! Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? And, such a beautiful reminder of the amazing complexity that each of us is!

The A-to-Z Wrap-Up
With our search for answers, our unique bodies, bumps and bulges, facing change, contemplating what defines us, wondering if we’re enabling, following our hearts, allowing good to be good enough, reaching for hope, wondering if “it is what it is,” urging ourselves to “just do it!,” bringing in kindness and love questions, wondering about more, embracing neuro-diversity, finding ways to move beyond obsession, overwhelm, and into opening, planting seeds of practice and possibility, asking lots and lots of questions, reframing real life, leaning into our own idea of success, looking at truth and trust, stepping into the unknown and uncertainty that is life, feeling our vision, getting curious about our vows, loving our whims, claiming our wins, letting our excitement out, whether anyone tells us “you’ll be fine…” or not, and then running with the zebras and their many questions! Phew!

That’s the A-to-Z journey we’ve been on! Thanks SO very much to those who have ridden along this winding path with me! It’s been a blast!! And, I am deeply grateful to you!! Who knows? This might just get turned into a book!!

For now, signing off!! With a heart full of joy, gratitude, and inspiration!! 💖🌟

What’s alive within you right now?

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Whims, What Ifs, and Wins

4/27/2022

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Whims
Oxford Languages defines a Whim as “a sudden desire or change of mind, especially one that is unusual or unexplained.” ("she bought it on a whim")

Reading that brings a sense of delight into my whole being and a smile to my face! For some I imagine it might bring a different reaction. However, as I reflect back on my life some of the very best things have happened “on a whim!”

When I first thought about writing about this word for today’s #AtoZChallenge, I had the sense that the word is considered to be light, airy, and maybe fanciful – something not to be taken too seriously or even dismissed. How does “whim” land for you?

I’ll share just a couple of my big life whims (which also land solidly in my “win” column as things that fill me with such joy):

1. Buying my first horse, Sport, a semi-wild 5-year-old, breathtakingly beautiful grey Arab, who was very far from the ideal first horse…and yet, I had to have him. I could feel it to my core – he excited me, he scared me, I had no idea how to work with him,he was too small and too excitable for the dressage showing I wanted to do. And yet… my heart and soul knew we were meant to be together.

At the time I was newly married. When I tried to do the logical thing of figuring out whether we could afford him, it was clear that we could not – there was $16 left before groceries. And yet…

I was 25. I had wanted a horse my entire life. My husband was on board, even though it made no logical sense. Somehow we found a way.

It was one of the best moves of my life, and I have zero regrets, even though this choice certainly contributed significantly to the pile of debt we had to work harder to get out from under over the years. You can see this beautiful creature and read our story in The Beauty of NOT being Logical! Whims are NOT logical!

2. Going alone to Australia for a 2-week writing cruise… I am not an adventurous solo traveler. When I could not find anyone to join me for this trip, I was ready to let it go. And yet (maybe these words are a sign of a whim!)… I could feel the longing, the desire, the need to go. I couldn’t satisfy logical answers about why or what I expected to get. I had never before agreed to share a tiny box-like room with a stranger, and I was scared to death.

And yet… I figured out how to make it happen. New Year’s Eve 2011 sent me off for one of the best adventures of my life. I met people who are still dear to me. I connected with myself and fed my writer dream (though I still have not written the book that was stirring in me at that time). Zero regrets.

I do many things “on a whim.” When I see retreats, programs, teachers, or groups, I often seem to know immediately whether this is a “yes” or a “no.” Often very big decisions happen on a whim, and in retrospect carry zero regret. It was on a whim that I applied for and got my last full-time job at a time when I had no thought of going back to work. Something inside of me knew the time was right to take this leap, even though I was largely unprepared!

I am grateful my husband shares this spontaneity – most of our moves have been out of the blue, on a whim, and sometimes right after we declared we were not moving. Actually, I met him on a whim – on a night I had sworn off men forever.

So, are whims fanciful moves of the airheaded? Or are they divine inspiration or soul guidance? I have no idea what the right answer is, but from my perspective they are most assuredly guidance, intuition, knowing, and they lead me to such beautiful richness!

What Ifs
Often times “what if’s” keep us stuck or paralyzed for fear of what might go wrong. What if it doesn’t work out? What if this was the wrong move? And, don’t get me wrong, these questions live within me even in most of my whims… the bigger the decision the louder the what if!

What if we should wait? What if that other program is better? What if our hearts aren’t big enough to love another child? See how analysis paralysis could set in? Waiting, worrying, looking for the perfect moment, wishing we could have certainty before making a move… we might never do anything!

The closer we get to the thing that’s most important to the soul, the scarier it can be! Some of my strongest anxiety has come in when things felt most right. So strange, but maybe the intensity rouses the part that wants to keep us safe… anything to prevent a big mistake!

And yet, what if we looked at our what if’s another way? What if we could connect with the wonder, awe, possibility? What if this actually works out? What if things are amazing? What if we dared to dream or hope? These what ifs can pull us forward, even into the scary unknown, riding on the wings of hope and desire!

Both sides of the what if are always available to us, because as we looked at in the recent post about Unknown and Uncertainty, no one can know with 100% certainty what the future holds. So, we always have to be willing to weigh the risks, consider the pros and cons, and feel into whether something is a yes or a no for us. With every excitement there is likely anxiety.

Wins
When I think about wins, they have nothing to do with material gain, beating someone else out for something, or even necessarily having anything wonderful to show the world. Sometimes I can’t prove a win to anyone. Sometimes the win has nothing to do with the outcome and everything to do with how I showed up along the way.

To me, a win brings a sense of contentment or fulfillment at a deep, deep level. A win is when I feel in integrity, in alignment with my soul’s imperative.

The whims I’ve shared here are all wins. I’m sure there are others that haven’t gone so well, and it’s a win that they’re not coming to mind right now.

How about you? What’s your relationship with whims, what ifs, and wins? Please share.

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Vision and Vows

4/26/2022

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Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

As we look at V in the #AtoZChallenge, what comes up for me is vision and vows. Not the kind of vows you take when you get married or join a convent, necessarily but vows we may not even be aware we’ve taken.

Vision
Let’s start with vision. Are you a vision or a goal person? Or maybe you like both? Or neither?

I definitely fall in the vision camp, even though I’m a coach, and I know I’m supposed to love goals. Maybe there is a place for each, but more often than not, I find vision more expansive and goals more limiting.

To me a vision comes from the imagination, allowing yourself to dream and consider what might be possible. When I’m forming a vision, I’m considering how I want to feel. I may not have all of the details, but I give myself permission to paint a picture in my mind and feel in my heart what it is that I’m wanting. A vision is something I breathe into as I breathe life into it. It fills me, and I hold it. But, I don’t necessarily “work” at it. I conjure it, and I hold it in my heart. I put it out to the Universe, and I go about my business.

Of course, there are steps I have to take along the way. I can’t just sit on the couch eating bon bons and expect things to materialize, and yet, I’ve also found that it doesn’t necessarily take hard work to bring things into reality.

Real Life Example
I just came across a notebook I had been gifted in 2016 that had space for me to write down a mantra for the year, my top 5 values, a vision statement and a personal and professional mission statement. Then I could record various goals I had, stating why they were important to me, a projected completion date, and an action plan with lots of blocks for steps.

Here’s where I see a distinction between goal and vision. Stating the goal (or thing I desire in my life) and naming why it’s important to me feel like vision. Giving it a projected completion date is a blend of vision (I don’t know, but this seems realistic…) and goal (I will have it completed by ___). The action plan is where we name steps toward achieving that completion date.

The cool thing is as I look back at this book from 6 years ago, the very first goal I didn’t even remember naming at that time was to have a home on a lake. Why? “Because on the water is where I find my greatest peace, align with my spirit, and tap into my highest creativity.” I gave myself a projected date of 2021 – 5 years out. Why? Because the truth was, I thought this was a pipe dream. I wanted it, but I didn’t really think it would ever happen. I thought I was writing and boldly declaring something outlandish. We had NO desire to move again, I didn’t know if my husband was on board, and I didn’t think we could afford it.

So, even my vision was kind of wishy-washy, but I felt the call in my heart and soul, so I let myself put it down anyway.

My action steps (most which were never taken):
1. Begin a savings plan specifically for this goal,
2. Talk to my husband, Tom, to be sure he’s on board, and
3. Create a vision board to bring this dream into reality.

Why is this so cool?
1. Because within a short time I forgot I had even written it down,
2. Because I only took one of those action items (the only one I really needed to which was talk to Tom), and
3. Within a year we were getting our house ready to sell, and 3 months later we had closed on our lake home! “Goal” met 4 years earlier than my wild projection!

It was NOT the home I would have envisioned originally, but it’s a home that supports our life in a wonderful and affordable way. The beautiful thing about vision is there’s room for it to unfold, evolve, and emerge. Had I set a goal, we might not be in this place because I wouldn’t have found the home that checked all of the boxes I thought I wanted.

Which brings us to Vows…
I first considered vows in the way I now understand them when I was taking the Now What?® Coaching training with Laura Berman Fortgang back in 2013. We created a brief life history, and Laura invited us to notice any vows we may have made that were still driving our decisions and behaviors.

Vows sound like “I will NEVER be, do, feel…” They may have worked for a while, but because they are a reaction to the past, they may no longer serve us. They operate subconsciously, so until we take the time to see them, they may actually impede the life we want. When we can see and name them, we become free to choose – do I still want this force dictating my choices?

Some common vows:
“I will never be like my father.” “I will never be poor.” “I will show them! Prove what I’m made of!” “I will never be a statistic!” “I will be the best mom ever and my kids will be my everything!” “I will change the world!”

If there’s a vow that requires you to prove something, it may drive you to work harder, gather more degrees or credentials, and achieve beyond what you really want or need.

Vows may wear you down as you allow yourself to be silently and unknowingly driven by the past. And vows can get in the way of your vision.

If my vow had been “I will ONLY live in a house that’s ____ size on ____ lake and it will have X, Y, and Z” I’d probably still be back in my suburban home with my miserable neighbor, where I would have been very sad riding out the pandemic.

Maybe I wouldn’t have even let myself look at anything that didn’t fit predefined narrow parameters. There would have been no room to play with possibilities that eventually carried us across hundreds of miles to at least 5 different lakes, looking at homes of all sizes in all conditions. We would never have considered our current home.

Your turn:
What visions do you hold, personally and professionally?
Do you see any vows that are alive and well that might not be serving you very well?

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Unknown and Uncertainty

4/25/2022

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Sitting with these ideas for today’s #AtoZChallenge. We live in a world of uncertainty, and we are always stepping into the unknown, individually and collectively. Depending on what that unknown is can fill us with excitement or anxiety, hope or dread.

Sometimes it’s clear that we are in a state of transition – leaving a job or relationship, graduating college, getting married, moving across the country, having a baby… in these cases, we know we are leaving behind a familiar life to enter into a new one. What we don’t always see so readily is that we are always in transition. Our bodies, our reality, our relationships, minds and ideas are continually morphing and evolving.

Other people fill us with their fears, worries, or faith, which may or may not be helpful. Each of us is living in the unknown, uncertain of what’s to come. Most of us don’t like to admit or accept that. So, we do what we can to control, to create some level of imagined certainty.

We make decisions and choices, take actions trying to ensure the outcome we desire, unwilling to admit we can only take the next best step for the best chance of the things we hope for. There is freedom in accepting that truth.

The only things that are known or certain are those things that have already happened.

And, so, what keeps us going? Why do we continue to show up? I guess because the unknown also offers the possibility of things beyond our imagination. Our negativity bias causes us to focus on what could go wrong, but at the same time our spirit and soul call us to what could be wonderful or amazing.

Knowing is actually way less interesting than we admit. Who would watch a multi-hour sports event or movie if they knew how it was going to end? (Well, unless, like me, you’ve seen it before and you don’t remember or you don’t care because the story is so enthralling!).

We spend hours of worry about how our lives or our loved ones’ lives will go. We humans are fascinating! Playing this game of strategy and faith, effort and flow, making moves, taking chances, riding on hope. And, there it is again, that mighty force that some call weak.

Hope encourages us, supports us to say yes to the proposal, to take the stage, to leave the toxic relationship and head out on our own. To put down the drink or drug that has consistently brought comfort to see if there might be a better life without it. The hope that tomorrow will be a better day nudges us forward. Something has to push us, pull us to leave the known and risk the vast uncertainty of the unknown. To wake up and step into a new day and see where it takes you.

“When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.”
― Patrick Overton, The leaning tree

My favorite days are “Let’s see where the spirit takes us” days. Days with absolutely no plans, and where we let go of control, just checking in moment by moment to see what we’d like to do. What we want to eat? Is this a time to rest, read, or go for a walk? What adventure calls to our hearts? What might be fun? What would feel comforting and nourishing?

To find the ability to flow with it, gently, sweetly, one moment at a time. Not needing an agenda. Not needing to know. It can be uncomfortable, but it can also be wonderfully delightful when I pause and listen within, feel into the longing of my heart and soul, let go of the worry of wasted time.

This is where I sit right now. Is this a day to relax and write? To bake? To go to a movie? In the sweetness of no schedule, I don’t know. And, I am savoring the unknown. It gives me permission to decide, to choose, to see… These are my favorite days. The ones not dictated by meetings, classes, work, commitments, or appointments. They are a rare gift in a busy world. “Seizing” this day does not mean it has to be productive or anything other than what it is. It only asks me to show up and be with it, as it is, as it unfolds.

And, yet, feeling the uncertainty of our future, having just watched the memorial video of a young man gone too son, compels me to invite us all to live a life we will remember. To love openly, to care deeply, to hug our people, to capture memories, and make new ones. This life is so precious because of its uncertainty. We don’t have to strive to make things happen, but we don’t want to miss what’s here.

What grounds you as you find yourself swirling in the midst of uncertainty? What helps you stay steady as you step into the great unknown? What practices do you have that hold you most reliably when times are tough? For me, meditation, morning pages, yoga, getting outdoors in the beauty of nature bring me home, and connecting with those I love is critical.

What does it mean to you to live a life you will remember? What’s calling you? What feels most meaningful and important these days? Has that changed over the years? I know, for me, I have little desire to go back to how I used to be when I was much younger. And I do long to step into my next chapter from a place of purpose and joy.

A few recommendations and invitations for you:
Katrina Kenison writes beautifully about life and its various stages, looking at transitions and life changes. I have recently finished Magical Journey: An Apprenticeship in Contentment, a beautiful book for women in midlife, changing roles and relationships with growing children, finding themselves again after career and parenting change. I highly recommend this as well as The Gift of an Ordinary Day: A Mother’s Memoir of Letting Go. Both books and her blogs, which are beautiful and thought-provoking, call us to be present to the everyday moments as our lives and relationships grow, evolve, and become their next version.

Here are a couple of musical accompaniments for this life journey:
The Nights by Avicii – “Live a life you will remember!”
I Did It All by Vince Myers

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Truth, #Truthbombs, and Trust

4/23/2022

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If you’ve been following along in this #AtoZChallenge, Question (Almost) Everything, you likely have noticed a theme and a bias I hold for people finding their own answers, tapping their own wisdom, and learning to trust themselves as they lean into what is true for them.

There’s a troubling trend I’m seeing in social media these days. People are dropping #truthbombs everywhere. Because they’ve said it and hash tagged it, we need to get on board with whatever they’ve spewed onto the screen. Sometimes it’s even accompanied by a BAM! to really catch your attention. Usually these feel like a jolt to my mind and spirit.

I don’t know about you, but my first reaction is not usually to say, “Yeah… you’re right…” but rather a little skepticism and maybe even a little Who are you to tell me what’s true?

Truth is a rather subjective thing, isn’t it? Maybe not as subjective as some want us to believe these past few years, but still, it is in many cases something that we determine for ourselves.

What lands for us? Resonates with us? Stirs a sense of buzzing, aliveness, or goosebumps? I don’t know about you, but I feel it in my body when something resonates as right, true, or at least worthy of my consideration.

It doesn’t take some jazzed-up woman yelling in my face, throwing down the #truthbomb gauntlet!

So, for today, I invite you to revisit Answers, Questions or Follow Your Heart, if you’d like a little support in what it means to trust yourself, to find your own guidance, to determine your own path or choices. Honestly, I suspect some element of this theme is woven into most of the posts since it’s such a strong foundation of my core truth.

“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own,
instead of someone else's.” - Billy Wilder

You are the expert in your life. You get to chart your own course. No one else can possibly know what’s best for you, and the more they tell you they do, the more discerning you want to become (that’s my #truthbomb! Trust yourself, first and foremost!).

How about you? How do you decide who to trust? What helps you to trust yourself, even when you feel lost and confused? What practices do you have that help you quiet down and listen within? Where do you create time and space in your life to be able to do so?

“Silence is the mother of truth.” - Benjamin Disraeli

Please share so that we can get some new ideas! Appreciate you being here, reading, and chiming in!

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Striving, Success, and Sustainability

4/22/2022

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Seems a lot of people begin their adult lives striving… working hard, trying to achieve something. For many there’s a vague sense of what they’re aiming for, and for others there’s a very clear end goal in mind. And, so the climb begins… striving, driving, pushing to achieve, to prove, to feel worthy.

We may be following a dream or course set out for us by someone else – our parents, teachers, or other adults who thought they knew what was best or right for us. Things might look great and we feel like we’re checking all the boxes. And then, at some point we may find ourselves unhappy, dissatisfied, even if things look great on the outside.

Somewhere along the way, many of us hit a point of wondering what the heck we’re doing. Feeling like the goals we had set don’t matter as much any longer, whether we’ve reached them or not. We begin questioning what really matters. Is it having a 6 or 7 figure salary? The fancy car? The prestigious title or position? Who are we trying to impress and what are we trying to prove?

So, we begin to look at the pace we’ve been going at and find that it’s just not sustainable. In order to see if what you’re doing is sustainable, take a moment and get really honest about your energy, resources, reserves, and sense of enjoyment and fulfillment. You may discover you don’t want to keep going the way you have been for decades. If that’s the case, it’s time to start looking for what brings a sense of contentment, peace, and joy.

Each one of us gets to define what success is for us. How is it measured and how will you know if you’ve arrived? What will a successful life look like? How will you be spending your time? Who will you be with? What does an ideal day look like in a successful life (for you)?

Asking these questions can free us from staying on a path that no longer makes sense. It allows us to lean into our own values and priorities and create our reality with these as our guiding forces.

One friend says “Hey, we only get so many heartbeats…” True and that number is unknown. But each day we can decide where we allow those heartbeats to take us. What we do know it that “finitude” is certain. This life will end. When you are looking back over your days, how will you feel about the way you have spent them?

The Dash Poem
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
From the beginning...to the end

He noted that first came the date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years

For that dash represents all the time
That they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
Know what that little line is worth

For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering this special dash
Might only last a little while

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent YOUR dash?

As you reflect on your life and how you’re spending your time, energy, and resources today, are you content? If not, what changes do you want to make?

As you look ahead to the rest of your life, how do you want to feel? What impact do you want to have made? What do you need to do now so that you don’t burn out before you get there?

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Real Life, Reality, and Retreat

4/21/2022

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I often hear people say things like “back to reality…” or “back to real life” as if what they’re doing in that moment somehow isn’t real or doesn’t count. As if they’ve been enjoying “this,” whatever this is, too much, so it can’t possibly be real. It’s been too relaxing, too peaceful, too gentle or loving. Too easy. I hear it on retreat or on vacation or after a meditation. And, in general it’s implied that real life seems to suck in comparison.

I often remind people on retreat, this is real too. You are here, right now, and each one of us is real. This experience is happening. On one retreat, our facilitator suggested that when we take the time to immerse ourselves more deeply in our meditation and writing practices, that we are more in touch with what’s real. I think she’s right. When we take the time to step away from the madness of the outside world and connect within, with our essential goodness, our wisdom, our guidance, that’s what’s real. Not the many voices shouting at us or the steady stream of information bombarding us, but rather in that place where we have a chance, a hope of discerning for ourselves what resonates, what feels real.

We seem to have this idea that real life is hard. “Real life” is work, suffering, fighting, war, and pain. And that anything other than that is somehow a dream or fantasy state. No! And, yes. Real life does include all of the hard and painful things, and we can't turn a blind eye to them. And, there's more... the hard and painful does not negate the beautiful and soft. Real life is so much more than an either/or proposition! We cannot know immense joy or deep love without also knowing profound sadness.

Real life also includes quiet, stillness, beauty, and contemplation. It includes time dedicated to fun or reflection. Real life can be connecting with yourself and spending time on the things that deeply matter to you. Real life is falling over yourself, madly, deeply in love with another or laughing til the tears fly. Real life is watching a baby sleep or holding your dying mother's hand.

Real life doesn’t get much more real than the beauty of a forsythia coming into bloom, a hawk soaring across the blue sky, or the orange-pink canvas of the sun dipping below the horizon. Nature exists beyond and in spite of our man-made constructs.

Some beautiful questions to ponder…
What if more of us realized and created real lives that were inspired, creative, peaceful, joyful, and loving? What if kindness and gentleness were the values that ruled “real life?” What if that were enough? What if that were more than enough and these qualities rippled out far and wide?

What if we dispelled the myth that real life sucks, is a heavy burden to be endured, and showed up to contribute to a better life? What if we realized that together we are creating the real life that we experience and that how we show up matters? That our actions matter? That our choices matter? Maybe then we could actually come together to work on things that need our loving care – things like the climate crisis, social injustice, the opioid epidemic, homelessness, and poverty.

I guess we also need to remember that each one of us lives our own version of reality, influenced by the very tiny lens and unique filter through which we see and experience what’s going on. Know that each of us has been informed by our parents, our experiences, and our teachers. We each have biases that drive our beliefs and behaviors. Maybe then we could get curious and genuinely desire to know what’s going on in your version of reality. We could ask one another engaging questions, seeking clarity, seeking to understand, not necessarily to change our minds or views, but willing to do so. We could listen. Really listen – not to respond, but to hear, to consider, to wonder.

Life is messy. Human is messy. And, real life encompasses it all. If I might invite in another R idea... may we have reverence for the complexity of it all.

What do you think? Maybe I got swept away by yesterday’s post about Questions, but I can’t help but feel the possibility that wondering opens up. The freedom that comes when we unbury ourselves from the heaviness that we have believed “real life” to be. What thoughts do you have about reality, real life, and retreat? Thanks for considering today's #AtoZChallenge reflection!

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Q is for Questions

4/20/2022

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Since we started with #AtoZChallenge with a post about Answers, and my theme is Question (Almost) Everything, it seems only fitting that we take a little time with questions! In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I love questions. I live in questions. I know what it feels like to be annoying for asking too many questions!

Anyone else a “you ask too many questions” person??

Through these daily posts it’s been my genuine desire to ask provocative questions. To get you thinking, journaling, considering how these topics show up in your life. Questioning is the way we expand beyond what we already know. Questioning the status quo, the “way it’s always been done,” or what everyone else is doing is how we contribute to change in our own lives and in the world.

Asking questions can open doors and reveal fresh possibility. Questions are the foundation of experimentation, inviting us to try something and see how it goes. Questions make it ok to not know.

As I touched on in Answers, it strikes me that there are different types of questions we ask. In addition to basic logistical questions, there are questions of agony, questions of hope, excitement or wonder, questions of curiosity and genuine interest, and questions of right or wrong. And then of course there are the big, possibly unanswerable, existential questions! And, my favorite, the beautiful question.

At different times each one of us has likely asked every kind of question.

Questions of Agony: These are the cruel or “woe is me” questions that pile on misery and can keep us stuck. They’re natural but not very helpful. The come with a tone of powerlessness– tone matters, because some of these questions, if asked in a neutral way could be genuine interest, information gathering, reflective ones.

These are the judgmental ones, the ones of self-or other criticism, the ones of despair and misery. These questions sound like: Why is this happening? Why me/us? How did we get here? How could you? What’s wrong with me (or you)? When will this ever end?? Who’s to blame?

Questions of hope, excitement, or wonder: You can feel the energy in these questions as they touch a place of wonder, awe, or imagination. There’s a lightness and a sense of delight as you feel these questions. Maybe some “nerve-cited” sensation too!

When will we find out? Is this really happening!? Are we really in this place/at this event/fulfilling this dream?? Will this work? How is it possible that there is so much beauty in the world? How did I get so lucky to feel a love like this? If I had a magic wand, how would your life be different? If I went for it, what might be possible? Can I really do this?

Questions of curiosity and genuine interest: These questions seek to understand, to connect, to go deeper.

What’s going on for you? Tell me more about your situation; I really want to know (this is the tricky statement question!). What makes you feel most alive? What does it mean to you to be successful? What DO I really want?

Questions of right or wrong: These questions try to figure out the “right” course of action. When asked internally, and if we allow ourselves enough space and time to hear true guidance, these can be super helpful. If asked of others, they can take us away from our own intuition or knowing.

What should I do? Just tell me! Is this the right choice? I don’t know… is that wrong? What does the book say we’re supposed to do in this case? What do the experts tell us to do?

Existential Questions: The super big, maybe unanswerable questions we ask about life itself and our life and purpose.

Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? What’s the meaning of life? Does anything matter? If nothing matters, does everything matter? Is there a God, and if there is, how could they let ____ happen?

And, then, there is the Beautiful Question:
I learned about Beautiful Questions in a workshop on curiosity at Camp Good Life Project back in 2018. Steven Morris described it as a question that can’t be answered by the mind alone and that it may be something you have to sit with for some time.

So, the beautiful question is one you may not know the answer to easily (or ever), and for me, these are the questions that have caused me to open my mind, and more importantly, my heart to a broader perspective.

As a mom of a young man with substance use disorder, many of my questions over the years had been anything but beautiful! There were many questions of agony, of right and wrong, seeking outside advice and answers, which no one could really give us. There were not too many questions of curiosity or wonder and certainly no beautiful wide-open wonderings. I was too constricted by fear.

The question that changed our life:
Steven’s workshop broke open a question that would change my and our experience of life, and it was this: What if we stop trying to save his life and just love him, as he is, for as long as he’s here?”

Every single word of this question felt important for me to really take in. This question came from some place beyond my mind. I know that because it makes no sense to a Mom mind. And yet, it acknowledges and embodies the reality of our situation. We can’t save his life, and we’re making all of us crazy trying to do so. We do love him deeply, so what if we fully gave ourselves permission to love with all of our hearts. And, he might die too young. Knowing that, how do we want to live and be with our son while he’s here?

Somehow my heart and soul can hold the hugeness of this question. Somehow this question frees us to be with our son in a more peaceful, accepting way. It allows, at least occasionally, the desperation to fall away. It enables us to give him the freedom to live his life and find his way. It stops us from so much telling and yelling.

And, so I ask you, dear reader: What’s the value in asking good questions? Powerful questions? What questions actually engage you or your conversation partner in some deeper thought and interaction? What beautiful question might your life be asking you to sit with? Is there one that would open you up?

I can’t wait to hear what this topic stirs for you!

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Obsession, Overwhelm, and Opening

4/18/2022

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Obsession
Ah, yes, Obsession – From Oxford Languages: ob·ses·sion – the state of being obsessed with someone or something. "she cared for him with a devotion bordering on obsession"
- an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.

Waking this Saturday morning with the awareness of my own obsession. Noticing how even something you’re passionate about can become too much. Can lead to overwhelm. Recognizing that when you work in a field that’s linked to a deep personal and ongoing experience, there often is no break.

I live and breathe addiction and recovery. I immerse myself in learning more, joining groups where I read and comment on people’s confusion, fear, anger, and loss. Not a day goes by where at least one parent shares the loss of their child. Every day is full of posts of people saying they can’t take it anymore, asking for advice from strangers who don’t know their family, but who are more than willing to chime in. I extract myself from groups that perpetuate messages that I find harmful and unhelpful. I stay in those that spread fresh ideas, compassion, and hope, but even those spaces can be too much.

Many of the books spread around my home relate to the topic, reflecting my ever-present desire to learn and grow, to be the best mom, the best coach, and best support person I can be. I want to know all there is to know in an unknowable field. As I glance around and see the titles, I feel the weight. It seems somehow the more I learn, the more inadequate I feel.

Working for myself from home also contributes to this sense of overwhelm. There’s never a distinct separation between work and home – no physical distance, especially in such a small space. No clear ending time unless there are other plans. It’s too easy for work thoughts, topics, programs, and conversations to seep into my “off hours.”

Overwhelm
o·ver·whelm – verb - bury or drown beneath a huge mass.
Similar: swamp, submerge, engulf, bury, deluge, flood, inundate, clog, overload, overburden, bring someone to their knees
give too much of a thing to (someone); inundate.
"they were overwhelmed by farewell messages"

Phew, ok! Thanks, Oxford Languages for that clarity… yes, today, I feel the overwhelm brought on by my (very devoted and very well-meaning) obsession. I feel a need to unbury myself, to emerge from the swamp, to unclog and unload the weight I’ve been carrying. I have the ability to shut out the deluge of information and input. I get to choose how I spend my time, where I devote my energy, what I read and listen to, and to pace myself in a way that feels sustainable and onward-leading.

Before I am brought to my knees, let me remember that I have the choice for how I spend my time, where I put my attention, and who and what I allow into the sacred spaces of my heart and mind.

Opening

And, so my question for today’s #AtoZChallenge is: How can I create some space to nourish, nurture, and replenish myself? Not just immediately, but on a more regular basis. But, I’ll begin with today, this moment, because that’s what’s here. Then I’m sure that will inform my consciousness about life overall.

I need a break – a break that has nothing to do with travel or vacation; I have had plenty of that recently. I need a break in my own head, heart, and home, so I am giving myself a two-day break this weekend (after this piece is written).

Before I even wrote my morning pages, I deleted Facebook and Instagram from my phone for these days in order to resist the temptation to mindlessly grab, scroll, and get hooked in for an hour or more without even noticing. I immediately felt lighter. I know I might find myself checking the weather app more than usual, but that’s ok. It won’t hook me for too long!

I put my phone on Do Not Disturb, allowing only calls and messages from immediate family and close friends to come through. I need some breathing room. I’ve been way too cranky lately, on edge, unsettled… feel like I’m caving in on myself.

Thankfully some spark of inspiration showed me the way out! Thankfully, I remember that I’m in charge of my schedule and my environment.

I will choose to spend time doing things that uplift and inspire me. I will choose time with people I enjoy, doing things that are fun and unrelated to work. If I read, it will be a novel. If I listen, it will be to dance or sing or be inspired. If I watch, it will be to laugh or to cry, but it will be for pleasure (yes, I do love a good cry).

I will bake, I think. It’s a grey rainy, almost snowy day here, and so filling our home with warmth and good smells of cookies or corn bread sounds wonderful. We will cook a nice meal to enjoy with our son. I will change the tablecloth from fall colors to butterflies – that alone lightens up the space. I will clear the counter of its excess. Why do horizontal surfaces so quickly and easily get cluttered? Why are they so inviting for all the things I can’t immediately decide what to do with?

I will also work with my husband to continue cleaning and clearing space. We both feel the Springtime desire to purge. We need more room to breathe. There is simply too much stuff in this space. Sometimes I enjoy going through my wardrobe, dresser, and drawers to find what is ready to leave us. Something that will delight someone else, and choosing to let it go. That energy is alive within me this season, so I want to lean into it and let it support me in making the tough choices to release and let go.

I will devote time for practices that nurture my soul. Meditation has somehow slipped to the wayside too often lately. Tai Chi too. Yoga far too seldom. I need to flood myself with these things that calm my nervous system, that soothe my soul, that relax and restore me. Instead of 20 minutes doom scrolling, don’t you think I’ll feel better if I come into gentle presence with myself? I do!

So, how about you? Where do you feel overwhelm? Any obsessions that are getting more of your time and energy than they deserve? How might you create a little spaciousness in your heart, mind, and home? What is opening for you?

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Life, Death, and Rebirth

Z is for Zebra!

Whims, What Ifs, and Wins

Vision and Vows

Unknown and Uncertainty

Truth, #Truthbombs, and Trust

Striving, Success, and Sustainability

Real Life, Reality, and Retreat

Q is for Questions

Obsession, Overwhelm, and Opening

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