Inspired Possibility Blog

Changing Perspective

1/23/2024

Image by □ Mabel Amber, who will one day from Pixabay

Perspective – a way of thinking about and understanding something. A point of view. The way we view our world and the people, events, and circumstances in it. Our thoughts, stories, and beliefs about ourselves.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how a shift in perspective can have a significant effect on our lives. How we view something informs our experience. Perception is reality. Where we focus our attention affects how we feel. Our minds quickly and naturally categorize things as pleasant or unpleasant, good or bad, right or wrong, and we may accept these labels without question.

Do we see the world through rose-colored glasses or do we jump on the misery loves company train more often than we’d like? What stories do we hold about ourselves? "This is just who I am. I don't... I always..." Are they solidified from years of repetition or do they allow for evolution, expansion, becoming? What would it be like to shift to "Maybe... I don't know. It might be possible."

Since there are so many places we could go with these ideas and questions, I’ve invited some wise and beautiful souls to write a series of posts about perspective that I will share with you in the upcoming weeks. Asking them to share their experiences with changing perspective and the impact it’s had on their life. I’m excited for us all to hear what it means to them and to learn from them what’s helped support a shift in a challenging time.

Sometimes asking a new question or considering a different viewpoint can lead to a pivotal moment in one’s life. For instance, when I came to terms with the idea that my son might never find recovery, that he might not even want the recovery I envisioned for him, I softened a bit, nagging him less, listening more (at least every now and then), and our connection deepened.

The Power of Questions

Questioning our own beliefs or pithy phrases thrown around as if everyone knows and accepts them as truth is healthy and wise. For instance, “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.” Is that the only possible truth? Does this have to condemn you to their level of sadness? Or is it possible that you can be happy, even if your child is struggling?

Lucy Hone, a leading authority on resilience poses the question, "Is this (thought) helping or hurting me?" Thinking about what serves you and what disempowers you invites you to make a change.

"It shouldn't be this way" is a thought I've entertained, held onto, and dwelled in many times in my life. A thought like this can lead to advocacy or taking a stand for change, but it can also keep you stuck. Even with advocacy, we need to begin with the reality of what's here. For healing, we need to let ourselves feel what's true. When we can come to, "I don't like it, but it is this way, so now what?" we can lean into what's next. We can discern what steps to take, what's called for.

Shifting from "I can't" to "I won't" can move you from feeling a victim to making an empowered choice. Feel into the difference between, "I can't take this any more! I can't do this!" vs. "I won't do ____." Won't feels like it gives you ground to stand on and also opens the door for "I won't do this, but I could do this other thing." Thoughts that land as absolutes are limiting whereas questions open possibilities.

Learning to discern for ourselves, “Is that really true?” can open our minds and maybe reveal another path or ground of being. Is it true that I'm not a good public speaker? Is it true that my kid always lies to me? Is it true that things will never change? Never and always are pretty good indicators that we're locked into a limiting story.

Please enjoy exploring this contemplation with our guest writers in the coming weeks!

So many questions...I’d love to hear from you

How does this land for you? What does it stir up?
When have you changed perspective on something?
Is there a perspective shift you're playing with right now?
Change is hard - particularly mindset change. What helped you to get there?
How have things in your life changed as a result?

Please drop me a note or share with us in the comments below. Thanks for adding your wisdom!

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Beauty and Gratitude can Change Your Life

10/31/2023

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I struggled with whether to publish this post at this time; daily we are bombarded with heartbreaking headlines. Is now the time for a post about beauty and gratitude? I decided yes, it was. Because in times like this, we need to find a counterbalance more than ever. We need to remember that our world is more than horrifying headlines and traumatic events. Always, even now, there is beauty. There are things to be grateful for.

It’s a profound understatement to say there are a multitude of horrible, terrifying, and devastating things happening in the world – in our communities, country, and across the globe. Whether you’re glued to the news or not, the energy of these events affects us all. We likely feel powerless as to what to do – especially for things that are happening far away or are so impossibly overwhelming we don’t even know where to begin.

Also, we may not know what to do in our own lives when things feel out of control, scary, uncertain, and people we love are in trouble. The more we fret, the more exhausted we become, and we think less clearly. When we rehash the bad, the painful, re-telling the same upsetting story over and over, we strengthen the heavy impact it has on us. We add to our own stress.

Every single one of us is programmed to focus on pain, what’s wrong, and to be on the lookout for danger or impending doom – that’s part of human nature that has kept us safe and alive for eons. Scientists call this the negativity bias.

In his blog, Rick Hanson describes it this way - “Your brain is continually looking for bad news. As soon as it finds some, it fixates on it with tunnel vision, fast-tracks it into memory storage, and then reactivates it at the least hint of anything even vaguely similar. But good news gets a kind of neural shrug: “uh, whatever. In effect, the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.”

The negative experiences stick to us, poke at us, and wear us down, while we ignore, brush off, or don’t even notice positive ones. Sometimes we miss much of what’s “good,” simply because we take it for granted. For instance (and hypothetically speaking, of course! 😉), you might not think about how strong your legs are and how much they do for you until you break your foot. Once you’ve broken that foot and your mobility and independence are affected, it grabs your attention and pulls you into the pit of feeling bad. It can be hard to think about anything else, and you may pile on by judging yourself for having such a stupid accident (hypothetically speaking, again!).

The good news is there are simple and accessible ways to shift our mindset and experience – when we do so, we can better show up for the things that require our energy.

We need to find ways to re-energize ourselves, and one of those ways is to find a broader perspective and remember things are not all or nothing, good or bad. Truly, a wide array of experiences and offerings aany given moment. Yes, there's horror, and yes, there's more than that.

While I’ve learned that I’m not in control of the experiences in my life. I broke my foot, my son died, it’s raining, wars are raging worldwide – these are facts, and obviously facts that vary in intensity and severity. They are things I wish were different, and there's nothing I can do to change them.

And yet, even when times are tough or excruciatingly painful, there is still good in life. We have the ability to find it, notice it, or create it. And, let me be clear, I’m not talking about avoiding, denying, or jumping over the rough stuff through pretending, spiritual bypassing, or looking for the silver lining too soon (or ever) in untenable events. Nor am I suggesting you say affirmations that tell you things are better than they are (unless that works for you. In which case, affirm away!).

But, what is true, is that each and every day, no matter the agony, pain, and heartache, there is also beauty somewhere in life. Whether it’s the red-bellied woodpecker flitting through the trees, crying out to be seen or the cascade of golden leaves floating to the lawn or the dandelion brave enough to peek up through the cement, there’s something beautiful here. A coffee mug given by a dear friend. A photo of a special memory. The scent of a pumpkin chai candle. Beauty does not have to be big or bold, but it does long to be seen, witnessed, savored.

In her beautiful book for navigating tough times, Keep Moving, Maggie Smith speaks of the way she and her children delight in sharing “beauty emergencies” – those things that have to be seen right away, before they’re gone. If one of them sees a spectacular sunset or a dinosaur in the clouds, they’ll call out to the others, “Beauty emergency!” so they can cherish it together and no one misses out. What a sweet way to be on alert for something wonderful.  Maybe all emergencies aren’t bad.

Life has been very chaotic for us over the past 14 years with my son’s struggles with substance use and other mental health challenges. So much despair. So much fear. Times adding up to months of lost connection and opportunities over the years. It would have been easy for me to have been all-consumed with all that was bad, scary, unknown. In the deep grief since his physical passing, it’s easy to cry endlessly and think of nothing other than how much I miss him. But even with all the pain and suffering, there is also much to be grateful for.

That we had 29 years with him, I am grateful for. That I got to be his mom. For the happy and hopeful moments that were scattered in there, I am grateful. The small things like a hug or a deep conversation – those were always a gift. Because I knew how precarious his life and our time together was, I learned to cherish precious moments along the way. And when I was too upset with him to find gratitude within that relationship, I opened my heart to the fullness of life. A delicious meal, a warm home, fresh water and air, or a friend who’d let me vent were things I could be grateful for.

Gratitude:
Taking time to pause and open my heart to beauty and gratitude has changed my experience of life – the way I feel about and within life. For over a decade I have had an intentional gratitude practice. Usually that means in the evening taking some time to reflect on the day and list things that I am grateful for, things I’ve noticed throughout the day, and share it on Facebook. I’m not sure how this practice started, but it has become a daily ritual that strengthens me; sharing with others fills me up.

On particularly hard mornings, I’ve taken a little time while still in bed, reflecting on what I’m grateful for; this practice helps me enter the day. Somehow something inside of me softens as I remember and acknowledge beautiful bits of life. The other day I sat on our deck and softly offered verbal thanks for the people who’ve shown up to walk through this chapter of life with me; taking just a few minutes to acknowledge long-standing friendships and new people who are coming into my circle – feeling them in my heart as I pictured each one. These are some of the ways I’ve taken time to intentionally reflect and feel into gratitude.

Finding Beauty:
I also look for beauty each day and share pictures on Facebook as well. “Today’s beauty” posts seem to offer a welcome and different vibe to this platform. I like sharing sunsets, cloud formations, leaves, trees, and flowers with people. I love rippling beauty into a dark and ugly time and a space that is too often contentious.

The more I practice gratitude and look for beauty, the more I find myself noticing throughout the day. The more I notice things I appreciate, the less I dwell on all that’s wrong. This isn’t a magic formula or an exercise to check off a list, but rather a way to open my heart and spirit to all of life. Gratitude lives alongside grief in my mind and heart, woven together, inseparable. After my dear friend, Mary, passed away, I wrote a bit about this in “Good Grief, Gratitude, and Grace.” I was absolutely devastated to have lost the one person in my life who always made me laugh and who willingly opened her heart to all of me. There was nothing I had to hide from Mary. Who would I turn to now? And yet, gratitude and grace were there too. It’s been the same since my son, Nate, died; this crushing loss has dropped me to my knees and isolated me more than any loss in my life and it lives inside my heart right along with beauty, grace, and gratitude.

Life will bring what life will bring. How we meet it is up to us. I’m in for the full human experience, so I don’t shy away from the depths of grief and sadness. But I’m also always on the hunt for beauty and gratitude. Slowing down enough to feel gratitude seep through the cells of my being, breathing it in, allowing it to permeate the deep dark places softens my heart, welcomes the tears, and expands my capacity for living fully. Savoring beauty often takes my breath away, filling me with wonder and awe.

Beauty and gratitude help us to see and think about more than all that’s wrong with the world, all that’s hard or painful in our lives. They remind us that life is full of a vast variety of people, things, and experiences. We’re not trying to cancel out or deny anything; we’re adding in more of what we might have been missing. Where we choose to focus our attention affects us.

“When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better.” Maya Angelou

An Invitation:
Today I invite you to join me in this quest to find moments of beauty and gratitude. Let’s try it right now. Wherever you are, whether it’s on the subway or in the most peaceful bedroom sanctuary, look around.   What do you see that’s beautiful? Take it in – the colors, shapes, texture, scent. Allow its beauty to lift a smile. As you sit here, close your eyes and feel into one thing you’re grateful for, no matter how big or small. Experience what it feels like to fully appreciate something. Breathe in the feeling of gratitude and allow it to flow through your cells. What do you notice?

Take your time and take in as much beauty and gratitude as you like, and then throughout your day be on the lookout for more. Give thanks. Appreciate what you find. Over time, you may just find your experience of life shifting. Please share your experience with us here!

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Catching Moments

11/25/2022

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It struck me recently how easy it is to miss the simple, little moments that make up most of life, waiting for some grand event - either a catastrophe or a wild victory. Which got me thinking how important it is to slow down, to pause much more regularly, in order to notice. To not miss what’s right here.

Fear... so adaptable...
I’ve also noticed how freaking adaptable fear is… it doesn’t go away. It just morphs from one thing to another. Once an issue feels pretty stable or secure, fear goes looking for what to worry about next.

And that’s why it’s important to pause from time to time and get some perspective. To say to yourself, “Self… would you have worried about this a year ago?” If the answer is “Hell no! This would have been better than anything I could have ever imagined…” well, then, we need to remind ourselves to notice what’s good and right in this moment. To appreciate it. To not miss it.

Will there always be things to be afraid of and worry about if you have that tendency? Sure! And, is it possible to keep the fear of what might be from getting in the way of the beauty of what’s right here? It is. With a lot of awareness and ability to take a step back.

That’s what I’ve been doing a lot lately. Finding myself getting caught up in a frenetic spin, checking myself with a sweet, “hey now, wait just a minute…” and reflecting. Seeking that perspective. Remembering how things have been much worse. Remembering that I have no idea what the future holds.

Coming into this moment and appreciating it for what it is.

Finding Beauty...
Cheryl Strayed shares her mother’s sage wisdom to “put yourself in beauty’s way.”   What does that mean to you? To me, it means looking for beauty each and every day. Beauty in the physical world and also beauty at the heart level - beautiful interactions, small, simple moments - a shared hug, a shared tear, a shared laugh, or a quiet moment alone. All beautiful in their own way.

And in Keep Moving: Notes on Loss, Creativity, and Change, Maggie Smith shares how she and her children regularly call out to one another for “beauty emergencies!” Come see the sunset before it’s gone. Catch the eagle in flight! Take in the beauty of the snow softly falling. Let everything else wait and come here right now. This is an emergency! I love it!!

To me all of these reminders call me back to my quest to live life while I’m here. To not miss the things that matter - saying yes to invitations and opportunities to be with people I love. Prioritizing the things and people who matter most to me and to my heart and soul. Finding gratitude - each and every day, no matter my mood, no matter the circumstances, it’s there waiting for me. Finding it helps to balance perspective even on dark, sad, scary days.

Finding One Good Thing...
This month my friend, Christine Callahan Oke proposed that for the month of November we share One Good Thing per day - #onegoodthing - and it’s been great. Knowing that every day I will find something to share that is it for me that day. Seeing what others are noticing and appreciating. I think I may just keep it going even beyond November. Why not? It’s these simple practices that help us build our resilience, our appreciation, and our presence in life.

Life is made of many moments. Sometimes the simplest are the sweetest. Let them be enough. Let go of waiting for the grand event or the grand finale. It really is the steps along the way that create the journey that is our life.

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Grappling with Life's Questions

11/8/2022

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Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Do I matter? Does my life matter? What’s my purpose? Am I doing enough? What IS enough? Whether we say them out loud or not, many of us (myself definitely included) grapple with these questions from time to time or on a regular basis.

Even though for many years I’ve held the mantra “No striving, driving, or pushing” and I truly feel the relief and freedom in claiming that, inside I still secretly berate myself for not being ambitious enough. When I meet people who are DOING so many great things - big things that are changing the world, I unwittingly compare myself and come up short. Even when I'm choosing to not do too much! Even when I'm happy with life as it is and not looking to grow or do more...

I am reminded of my friend, Steve Aman’s question to me on the last day of Leadershape - a grueling few days in the Adirondacks challenging ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally in an arena that was not my strength. There had been things I had opted out of (and then reluctantly and with a ton of support tried again). There had been things that terrified me, things that amused me, things I was willing enough to try and others that were an absolute “Oh, hell no!”

I was not going to scale a telephone pole, somehow find a way to stand on top of it and throw myself into space toward some acrobat bar. I was not going to blindfold myself and walk forward (or backward as some did) on the high beam or across the broken swing bridge. I did get myself to the wire and across it. I did pair up with Michael and do the “Wild Woozy,” leaning into each other’s hands as we traversed wires that slowly drifted further and further apart so that the only thing holding us up was our weight leaning into each other’s hands. And I DID rappel off the 80’ cliff (or 800’ - I honestly don’t remember! I only knew it was a BIG number that terrified me), even after watching some pretty skillful people get caught upside down for a bit.

So, on this last day there - a day designed for “play,” my dear friend Steve asked me, “Do you have anything left to prove?” The answer was clear. No, I did not… “Then go have fun,” he grinned and sent me on my way. I could watch others perform their feats and cheer them on, but I had done enough. I’d do the swing and scream my primal scream ‘cause that looked kind of fun… but, other than that, I was good.

So, in life. How do we know when we’ve done enough? How do we reach a point of nothing more to prove? Is it measured by a certain income or amount in our bank account or retirement fund? Does it come from winning a certain award or working your way up to a particular title? Is it the number of hours you work or the number of people you’ve served or the number of likes or views on your Instagram post? Giving a TEDx talk? Does it come after we’ve finally done or created “the thing?” We’ve written the book, created the program, given the talk, taught at THE place in THE room or on THE stage we’ve been aiming for… is that enough?

It doesn’t seem it. More often than not, people seem to turn around and start striving again for the next thing. Sometimes they barely even acknowledge that accomplishment (no matter how huge) before shooting for the next.

I’d like to share a little reflection I wrote about “Enough,” rising out of a beautiful conversation with my friend, Sharon Rosen, who told me of a beautiful Hebrew word, dayenu. As Sharon explained it to me, dayenu means “it would have been enough.” What a concept. Something to rest into. The way I want to live - so that when I die, I truly can feel “it was enough.”

Enough
by Barb Klein

If I only did well with my own family, it would be enough.
If I only wrote this book for me, it would be enough.
If I’d only ever done what I’ve already done, it would have been enough.
If I could remember and believe this, I would believe I have nothing left to prove. Nothing at all…
I am enough. Exactly as I am. What I’ve done - is enough.

Can I lean into my own enoughness? Can I embrace it and simply live the rest of my life for me, tending to me? Trusting that that will allow me to show up for others as a way that feels good, fills me, isn’t like the way anyone else is doing it?

Can I let go of ideas of how things should go and allow them to unfold?
Can I allow myself to be supported?
Can I be willing to ask for opportunities and for help to find these opportunities?
Focus on my own healing, growth, creativity, and let it lead where it may (or not).

It is enough.
It will have been enough.
I feel the deep contentment in that.

It’s time to heal - to release all the grief I carry - to breathe in the pines. To listen to the wind - to feel the breeze.
It’s enough.

Let go the rushing.
Let go the frenzy.

Let them have their fun - their antics - their way.
You have yours and it is not theirs, most certainly.
You, my beloved, are enough, just as you are.

If I never lost another pound,
built another muscle,
or walked another mile,
It would be enough.

Nothing to push for, strive for, or drive for!
Those days are behind me.
There’s no goal I can achieve
that will make me any more me.

And that’s all I long to be -
Fully, wholeheartedly me!

We are such fascinating creatures with our stories of “I’m not enough! I’m too much! I have to do more! I have to keep going, doing, achieving, proving…” Is any of it true? Worth checking in on! We are each whole, complete, and completely worthy just by being. Our worth is not determined by anything outside of ourselves. And we are the only ones who can decide for ourselves how much we want to do, how much we need to create, how much we need to serve, and what is enough.

I invite you to check out Jen Louden’s wisdom on the Conditions of Enoughness and see how you might apply this in your own life. YOU get to decide. You get to define what is enough for you, based on your very real life. You get to choose to lighten up a bit on yourself. And to keep practicing, over and over, because this too, is a practice. I’m working on it.

Where can you lower the bar for yourself rather than continually raising it, raising it, raising it? What can you rest into as “exactly enough?” What are you striving for that you can relax about, let go of? We are so hard on ourselves and so easily judgmental of what we have or haven’t done.

Just for today… be gentle with yourself. Just for today… let it be enough. Whatever “it” is.

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Supposed To's

6/23/2022

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Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

There are SO MANY supposed to’s out there… each of us carries an extensive catalog of them in our minds.

Big days hold so many expectations. So much pressure. Of how things are “supposed to” be or about things you’re “supposed to” do. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. And also, weekends, evenings, vacations, mornings. So many ideas of what should happen, what we should be doing, how we should be behaving - many of them not even conscious, but driving the show anyway. These ideas weigh on us, drive us, lead us to judge ourselves and each other. Have we lived up to the expectations or have we fallen short? Have we nailed it or been a whopping disappointment?

This week has been filled with big days in my world – our anniversary, Father’s Day, my son’s birthday. I’ve had to work to be aware of my “supposed to’s” so that I could let go of them and allow whatever was or whatever we wanted to create to be ok, to be enough.

It has taken conscious effort to accept the reality of some situations. No, I will not get to celebrate my birthday with my son in person this year. My heart aches over that, but it’s just the way it is right now. So, what can I do instead? How can I find a way to celebrate him, me, us, this life, and the years we’ve shared and all that they’ve carried? What will work for me/for us in this reality?

I’ve had to work to choose to give us permission to spend our anniversary and Father’s Day the way we wanted to. It’s ok to share a nice lunch instead of a big fancy dinner. It’s ok to eat in and create a picnic that fits what I want to eat. It’s ok to choose not to do gifts, because we just don’t need anything more. It’s ok to make space to enjoy the day the way WE want – to decide together what works for us, moment by moment. It takes awareness and presence to grant ourselves full permission to do this.

I have had such high hopes for so many special days over the many years of my life. Too often I’ve found myself disappointed or let down when things didn’t measure up. So, is this settling now? No! This is simply letting go of all the conditioning that bears down on me about how anything is “supposed to” be!

These supposed to’s extend beyond these special life moments – they seep into our roles (“good” mother, friend, sister, boss, student). They permeate our ideas of what life is supposed to look like, how our plans are supposed to go, what this life’s trajectory should be like, how recovery should go, what a house is supposed to look like… on and on and on.

Often they lead to disappointment or a sense of failure because they carry the idea that there is ONE way or a RIGHT way to do anything. They close the door on what might be true or right for you in this moment. They limit us.

Slogans, mantras, and pithy sayings can keep us locked in rules given to us or rules we’ve taken on. Often, we don’t stop to examine them. We don’t bother to consider, “Is this still true for me? Does this work with where I am in my current life? Does it fit my present-day thinking? Does it make sense to me?”

Spiritual supposed to’s can keep us spinning with ideas like “I know I should focus on my blessings or on what I’m grateful for. I know I need to just let go and let God. I know I need to accept what is… to surrender. To trust. To have faith in a greater plan. God wouldn’t give me more than what I can handle. Everything happens for a reason. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger…” and on and on these ideas go. Sometimes these help get us through, but sometimes they are a spiritual bypass asking us to jump over a harsh reality. Sometimes we just need to be real. We need to sit in the messiness of human which may not want to hear these things in this moment. Sometimes we need to take a step back and examine these ideas – are they really serving and supporting me in this moment or are they just making me feel worse about what I now judge to be my less-than-ideal behavior?

How to deal with supposed to’s:

Know what yours are. Begin to notice them when they crop up – often as a sneaky force running below the surface of consciousness but very much influencing your experience of life.
Examine them. Get curious. Consider where they came from. Is this an idea someone else imposed upon you that you continue to carry? Is this one helpful or is it limiting your ability to consider other possibilities?
Wonder about them – what do these supposed to’s tell us? They may carry a longing or desire that genuinely comes from the heart. They may reflect a sadness or grief (“it wasn’t supposed to be this way”) that deserves to be acknowledged and honored. They may invite you to sit with what’s been lost.
Decide which ones you will keep and honor when you can and which ones you might be ready to let go of or reframe.
Open yourself to possibility thinking.

Supposed to’s carry a sense of solidity, inflexibility, and certainty (which can be part of their appeal, I suppose). They are constricting, limiting, and often based on the past or past conditioning or other people’s ideas. They shut us down and close us off – keep us looking at the world through blinders. They stop us from questioning, evolving our thinking and being.

On the other hand, possibility thinking comes when we open our hearts and minds to consider what else might be ok. When we face the reality that is here, we can choose consciously how we want to live and be. We can open up and flow in a way that aligns with who we are in this moment – we can breathe in, feel into, lean into what fills us up with delight, satisfaction, or contentment. We can decide what is enough and to go back to last week’s piece on Boundaries, we get to choose what is ok and what isn’t, what we will do and what we won’t do.

When we open up to give ourselves permission to change and grow, we may release some long-held ideas of how things are supposed to go or what life is supposed to look like. We may discover new thinking or consider fresh ideas. We are more willing to consider someone else’s perspective.

When we can open our hearts, listen to the wisdom and knowing our own bodies and hearts, we can begin to live in a way that better suits us. We can find our own way – our own truth – to perhaps model, create, or teach a new possibility for others to consider.

So many supposed to’s… and I haven’t even touched on the health and wellness ones, the how people are expected to behave in any given setting…

What supposed to’s get to you? Are there any you’re ready to let go of, reclaim, or redefine?

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Boundaries... Tough, and So Critical!

6/16/2022

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Recently I’ve become really aware of my accumulated depletion from years of hyper-vigilance, and over-giving. Certainly, this has been me for the few decades, since the time I was pregnant with my oldest son.

Most likely it’s been me my whole life. Even as a pretty young child, there was care-giving I had to do. Always on alert, always doing what I could, working hard to make sure my people are safe, the household runs decently enough, friends are ok, clients well-cared for… carrying a lot of people and their needs in my head and heart. No doubt the stresses of our time is also weighing heavily on me.

It’s like the fish in water who doesn’t know they’re swimming in water – I didn’t know or couldn’t see what I’ve been swimming in. I have so many wonderful grounding practices, that mostly I do pretty well. I thought I was ok. And, overall, I really AM OK! I share all of this only to lay the background, not for anyone to worry about me – really.

At the same time, it’s catching up with me, so I’m finding I need more space, more time, more quiet, more slowing down, more breathing room in order to return my nervous system to calm. It’s not as calm as I’ve thought it was as often as I’ve thought it was. And, so, enter the need for boundaries. Boundaries do not come easily or naturally to me, but I’ve learned how vital they are to one’s well-being.

Enter boundaries

Enter the need for boundaries. Boundaries do not come easily or naturally to me, but I’ve learned how vital they are to one’s well-being. I resonate with Brené Brown’s definition of boundaries as “what’s ok and what’s not ok.” When we can be clear about this and communicate it to others, we actually strengthen relationship and clarify roles.

Boundaries allow me to stay connected. They help me to preserve my energy and well-being. Without boundaries, I might need to pull away completely, shut down all together, and go into isolation, making connection impossible.

Boundaries bring me into integrity with what is true for me and allow me to honor what I really have to give. Without boundaries, I can easily over-give, over-extend, and burn myself out… That serves no one. Without boundaries I show up, but I am later exhausted or resentful… That gets in the way of relationship.

Boundaries allow you to trust me. You can count on me to say “yes” when I am available and “no” when I am not. You no longer have to worry or wonder about taking care of me. You can trust that I am taking care of myself. Please know that even if I say “no” or “not now,” I still care. I care enough to not give to you when I am not able to.I hope you understand, and I don’t need you to understand.

This isn’t about you. It’s about integrity, truth, and honoring. When I hold a boundary, I honor both you and me… even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.

Of course I want people to like me (don't we all?), but I am no longer willing to let that override my love for myself. For too many years I put others first and abandoned myself on a regular basis. This is not sustainable, healthy, or good for either one of us.

With boundaries, we can develop a strong and healthy relationship. I trust you to have other resources and to find your way even when I am not available. I believe in you which is why I don’t have to turn my world upside down to save you. I honor your wisdom, power, and ability to tap into whatever you need to get you through this moment. I know your well-being does not depend on me.

Please understand, I also know how hard it is when someone isn’t available for me when I really feel a need for connection and support. This makes it hard for me to say no when I feel that need coming from you.

And at the same time, I love, respect, and honor those who are able to say no to me even when I say “I could really use a friend…“ This happened once with one of my oldest and dearest friends. It stung in the moment. It was also painful for her, but she felt the truth of having nothing to give. And, it taught me an invaluable lesson and modeled for me what’s possible.

Somehow, she knew that I would be OK even though I felt like I was falling apart in that moment. She knew that even if I didn’t find anyone else to talk to, I was able to be with myself and make it through the deeply painful and awful time.

Here I am…so, clearly, I did. I will never forget that moment. Not because of the pain I felt or because I was angry with my friend, but because she taught me that it is OK to be honest with yourself and with other people, even people you love deeply. It is ok to say, “I don’t have it in me to give you what you need. I don’t have the bandwidth.” Or, simply “No. I’m not available.”

And so, when I am not available, I trust you. I remember that I am not God or 911 and so I can’t expect myself to be the one to save you.

Will I be there when I can? Absolutely! Will I give of myself generously when I’m filled up? Without a doubt. It’s who I am. And yet, in this moment my own health and vitality depends on me saying yes to me. Not splitting myself in two trying to honor me and others. I must begin here, with this vessel, this heart, this being that needs my devotion and care.

Boundaries are an Act of Radical Self-Care

Boundaries are an act of radical self-care. They take courage and awareness to set. They require us to be quiet enough to hear the inner wisdom that guides us.

Boundaries can feel awkward, clumsy, and imperfect as we begin to express them to others. We may worry how they are received until we learn to let go of that worry and begin to trust instead. If a relationship is based on over-giving, is this a relationship worth continuing? The relationships I want are with people who will understand and respect my right to take care of myself.

I’ve got a long and complicated relationship with boundaries. In the past I didn’t know what they were and had a hard time setting them or knowing what they should be.

Boundaries are particularly important when you are in a care-giving role, personally or professionally. If you’re someone people look to and lean into, they will naturally want your support, advice, wisdom, calm, or listening. We owe it to ourselves (and to them) to be honest about our availability and our limits.

Boundaries are about Respect – for Me and for You

Without respect for yourself, it’s nearly impossible to have or honor boundaries. They help me to trust myself and to know that I have my own back. To know that I will listen when I feel a reaction in my body that tells me yes or no, now, later, or, in fact, never.

Boundaries let you and I know what I can do and what I can’t do. More accurately, what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do. I have proven over the decades that I am more than capable of pushing through and doing more than is reasonable.

After 58 years on this planet, I am no longer willing to live that way. I love and care about so many people. I am pulled in so many directions. I have so much and so many people and things weighing on my mind at any given moment. I take these things on without even being asked. It’s up to me to free myself.

It’s up to me to respect and love myself enough to take the risk to take a stand. It’s up to me to draw a line in the sand and then to dance with that line moment to moment. It’s up to me to learn how to ask the wise questions of myself, to give myself a pause, in order to hear my inner guidance and wisdom. It’s up to me to take care of myself and not expect you to be able to read my mind.

Boundaries are about Compassion

If we are friends or family, I need to trust you and to trust our relationship - to know we will find our way through even when I say no or not now or I won’t. Boundaries empower everyone. They liberate us. They do not have to be harsh. In fact, honest boundaries allow for compassionate, honest conversation and communication.

In this short (and very worth your time to watch) video about boundaries, Brené Brown shares her shock at learning that the most compassionate people she interviewed were also the most boundaried!

Boundaries allow me to honor my heart, soul, and energy. Boundaries are about respect, trust, and integrity. They do not come easily or naturally, and I may forever be on a quest to learn how to do them better. I’m willing to learn because so much depends upon it.

Because I know that my energy, time, and resources are limited, as are my days, I want to love open-heartedly and live as beautifully as possible. With that in mind, boundaries are going to be critical or it’s going to get ugly.

Your Turn

What’s your experience with boundaries?
When and why do you need them?
Are you comfortable setting them?
How does it feel when someone holds one with you?
Have you found a kind and compassionate way to communicate them?
Do they feel important to you?
Are you able and willing to flex with them as circumstances change?

Please share with us! We can learn so much from your insights and experiences!

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Love, What Would You Have Me Know This Day?

5/24/2022

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Heart in the Sky - Image by Vlad Ymyr from Pixabay

Thank you, Liz Gilbert, for this beautiful question (you can hear Liz talk about it on her recent podcast conversation with Glennon Doyle here).

I’ve added this question at the end of my journaling each morning. I write the question and I listen and write down the response I receive, simply allowing the words to flow through my pen. I LOVE this question because it gets me out of my head and into the energy of Love itself. An energy that we need to connect with more than ever. An energy that is being shouted over by voices of fear, hatred, and division. An energy that lives within each one of us, but may come through as more subtle or quiet.

Although Love also comes through fiercely at times – in the voice of a Mama Bear defending her child. Or a leader in social justice who just can’t take the hatred and division one more minute. In my own voice as I try to break through the prevailing messages about addiction and recovery.

As I’ve written this question for the past week, some themes have emerged in the responses that come through.

I am loved. Every message includes an explicit “I love you.”
I am not alone. Love says, “I am right here,” and “You do not have to figure all of this out!”
We’ve got this (whatever “this” is).
Breathe – lots and lots of messages to slow down and breathe.
Reassurance that I am held and encouragement to show up and live.

A couple of my favorite messages (though, really, I love them all!):

Day One - A message of surrender:

“Surrender…for all of it. Your health. Big life decisions. Your sons’ lives. The work you do with people. Surrender. Get out of the way. Let me in – let me work through you. Show up where you are called and as you feel called. Trust that you will be led. Surrender – save yourself the energy for where it is needed. Act when you get the nudges. Do your part, of course. But you don’t need to do my part or all the parts. You can trust the people to show up for their own lives. You, my dear, are not the benevolent knower of all things. You, my love, do not have anyone else’s answers. You’re off the hook. I love you. Rest easy.”

Day Two - A message of trust and leaning in in uncertain times. I needed to hear this. As I wrote last week in “No Pressure. Presence”, every time is an uncertain time. It feels extra uncertain these days with so much chaos, division, and devastation in the world:

“I’m right here. You are wrapped in so much love, even in the unknown time. Lean into me. Lean into your family of people who love you so very much. Let yourself be held and supported. And LIVE. Live with the urgency that comes from this day, from appreciating the life that’s right here, right now even when you don’t know what’s next. And, regardless of what’s next, believe in your body’s ability to heal – remember that. Trust it. Allow it. You get to write your story of this adventure. And, right now that means to just take life one day, one moment, at a time. None of us knows how long we have so don’t miss what’s right here… Live. Love. Honor and care for yourself, and don’t miss the beauty that is available even in the hard and scary times. You never know what’s possible. I love you.”

By taking the time for these short communications with Love, I am able to tap into a different energy from what I might find out there in the outside world. I am able to listen to the language of my heart and soul. I am reminded of things I already know deep down inside. My mind quiets a bit. My nervous system relaxes a bit. At least for a moment.

These moments build on one another and I expand my capacity to bring love out into the world. It softens me. It opens my heart. It emboldens me to speak out where in the past I might have stayed silent – to speak up where people are being harmed. To stand up for what I believe in. To strengthen and build relationships. I feel filled with courage and compassion.

Your Invitation:
I’d love for you to give it a try. Take a moment and ask, “Love, what would you have me know this day?” Ask it whenever you like - as a daily practice or when you're facing a challenge. When you're struggling or unsure. Ask. Listen. See what comes through.

Here's a meditation to support you. Love, What Would You Have Me Know This Day?

Share if you like – I do believe these messages are Universal ones meant to be heard by many.

How does it feel to take this time to connect with and listen to Love? How might this inquiry benefit you?

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Life, Death, and Rebirth

5/10/2022

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This is the name of one of the Tai Chi moves we do in Tai Chi for Recovery, and it strikes me that this is what this season of Spring is all about.

Nature is making it abundantly clear that we are in a time of transition. Each of these elements: life, death, and rebirth are at play.

I see life in the trees and flowers budding and springing to life, in the baby ducklings scurrying to keep up with their mother as they somersault haphazardly off the bank, frantic to not be left behind. There is life in the call of the migrating loons on our lake – these visitors that are only here for a short while. The longer days with more sunshine and the skies filled with birds flitting busily about feel very much alive.

As trees and plants come to life, we can also see the ones that did not make it. The death and decayed material on the forest floor that now becomes the base of life for new growth.

Rebirth – the perennials and bulbs that miraculously burst through the ground after so many months of hibernation, resting, doing whatever magical things they do in the soil when the snow and grey days are here. The tiny lilacs, their buds the size of a tiny pearl, slowly becoming more vibrant, more open each day.

And I am reminded of these cycles that live within each one of us all the time. We are always in transition, whether we know it or not. Physically our bodies change every single day – as Wayne Dyer used to remind us, we are not the body we were at 6 months old, even though we are still the same person.

As we learn, grow, and evolve, our thoughts change. We find new ways. We unlearn old ones that are not helpful and maybe even harmful. We replace old, destructive habits with new healthy ones. We slip back. We begin again. Life, death, rebirth.

Bursts of inspiration and energy carry us toward possibility. Fear and doubt stop us in our tracks. Then we begin again, slowly gaining traction. Life, death, rebirth.

Dreams and ideas fall away as new ones come to light. Roles are abandoned or redefined. We step into a new sense of self, perhaps one that feels more aligned with who we are in this chapter of our life.

It seems in every group I participate in, people are talking about feeling “up in the air,” uncertain of the future. I sense a heightened awareness to the truth that we don’t know what lies ahead. We don’t know. Individually and collectively, we have no ability to see, with certainty, how our next move will play out down the line. For some at some times this brings fear and anxiety. We want to know. Our minds love to think they’re in charge and that if we craft just the right plan, then surely, we’ll be ok. We’ll be safe. Now we can go ahead. We forget that plans are destined to be changed.

Others are more comfortable with stepping out into risks, taking a chance, making the next move that feels like the next right or best step. We do what we can to set ourselves up for success. And, as we step into action, maybe we weigh pros and cons. We do the research, play out scenarios, try to prepare for all that could come up. (I certainly do that and have likely wasted a lot of time and energy in the past in this mental activity – somehow it makes me feel better. Gives me a false sense of security). Sometimes we simply take a leap of faith, trusting that if we don’t learn to fly, the net will appear.

On my last retreat I spoke about the sense that my heart just keeps breaking open. A friend asked what that looks like. The best answer I could give is that I’m filling with compassion to the extent that I can no longer tolerate things that are not Love. That I feel both a sense of urgency and also a call to slow down and savor. To pause and notice the teeny tiny buds, to listen to the birds, to not miss life’s unfolding. To really be present with a friend. To reach out and put everything else aside so that I can just listen and hear what’s going on in her heart. To stop telling my son what to do, but to get curious, ask, and give him space to open his heart to me. To share our thoughts, our feelings with a sense that what we’re up to is somehow very, very sacred.

And, also, urgency… I feel a pull to show up more and more authentically, to speak up, to speak out, to be part of the revolutionary work I am called to. To notice that there are more causes that need attention than I can even imagine, and if I try to take them all on, I will be completely burnt out and ineffective in everything I do. So, slowing down, asking within and getting clear on what causes I am here to serve. Howard Thurman’s words live in my heart:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

The energy of these words pulses through my heart and veins. I can literally feel it calling me to life. Letting go of ideas I’ve had about who I was or what I should be doing – allowing them to die away so that I can be reborn into this new day. Aligning more and more with what Parker Palmer calls my “soul’s imperative…” That call which I cannot deny.

Can you feel this within yourself? This letting go or dying off of old things, old ways, as you step into new life with fresh energy, new possibility, new beginnings to be born anew as this next version of you?

When I witness people release a career that’s been bogging them down for decades and allow themselves to feel the excitement of a fresh possibility, as they allow their creative muse to take them to a dream that’s been hidden or a light that beckons, I can feel them coming to life! There is a tingling in the air when someone listens to the call of their heart or soul. When someone says “Yes!” to a dream they have no idea how to fulfill. When they simply take that first small step. Life in the making!

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Z is for Zebra!

4/30/2022

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So, I have to thank my friend, Kare, for today’s topic. I was struggling to come up with a word that I had questions about. Zany, was the original idea, but I kind of covered that in my X post about Excitement… and so, as people threw words at me (my sister, Carol, lobbied hard for Zucchini!), I searched for quotes.

Thanking Shel Silverstein for filling in with so many wonderful questions for today’s #AtoZChallenge! Here’s what he had to say:
“I asked the Zebra,
are you black with white stripes?
Or white with black stripes?
And the zebra asked me,
Are you good with bad habits?
Or are you bad with good habits?
Are you noisy with quiet times?
Or are you quiet with noisy times?
Are you happy with some sad days?
Or are you sad with some happy days?
Are you neat with some sloppy ways?
Or are you sloppy with some neat ways?
And on and on and on and on and on and on he went.
I’ll never ask a zebra about stripes...again.”
― Shel Silverstein

I think I’ll just leave you with that! If you’re anything like me, your head is spinning enough about these brilliant questions from the Zebra! Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? And, such a beautiful reminder of the amazing complexity that each of us is!

The A-to-Z Wrap-Up
With our search for answers, our unique bodies, bumps and bulges, facing change, contemplating what defines us, wondering if we’re enabling, following our hearts, allowing good to be good enough, reaching for hope, wondering if “it is what it is,” urging ourselves to “just do it!,” bringing in kindness and love questions, wondering about more, embracing neuro-diversity, finding ways to move beyond obsession, overwhelm, and into opening, planting seeds of practice and possibility, asking lots and lots of questions, reframing real life, leaning into our own idea of success, looking at truth and trust, stepping into the unknown and uncertainty that is life, feeling our vision, getting curious about our vows, loving our whims, claiming our wins, letting our excitement out, whether anyone tells us “you’ll be fine…” or not, and then running with the zebras and their many questions! Phew!

That’s the A-to-Z journey we’ve been on! Thanks SO very much to those who have ridden along this winding path with me! It’s been a blast!! And, I am deeply grateful to you!! Who knows? This might just get turned into a book!!

For now, signing off!! With a heart full of joy, gratitude, and inspiration!! 💖🌟

What’s alive within you right now?

Want to stay connected even now that the challenge is over? Subscribe here to receive my weekly newsletter and meditation! I'd love to welcome you into the community!

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Whims, What Ifs, and Wins

4/27/2022

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Whims
Oxford Languages defines a Whim as “a sudden desire or change of mind, especially one that is unusual or unexplained.” ("she bought it on a whim")

Reading that brings a sense of delight into my whole being and a smile to my face! For some I imagine it might bring a different reaction. However, as I reflect back on my life some of the very best things have happened “on a whim!”

When I first thought about writing about this word for today’s #AtoZChallenge, I had the sense that the word is considered to be light, airy, and maybe fanciful – something not to be taken too seriously or even dismissed. How does “whim” land for you?

I’ll share just a couple of my big life whims (which also land solidly in my “win” column as things that fill me with such joy):

1. Buying my first horse, Sport, a semi-wild 5-year-old, breathtakingly beautiful grey Arab, who was very far from the ideal first horse…and yet, I had to have him. I could feel it to my core – he excited me, he scared me, I had no idea how to work with him,he was too small and too excitable for the dressage showing I wanted to do. And yet… my heart and soul knew we were meant to be together.

At the time I was newly married. When I tried to do the logical thing of figuring out whether we could afford him, it was clear that we could not – there was $16 left before groceries. And yet…

I was 25. I had wanted a horse my entire life. My husband was on board, even though it made no logical sense. Somehow we found a way.

It was one of the best moves of my life, and I have zero regrets, even though this choice certainly contributed significantly to the pile of debt we had to work harder to get out from under over the years. You can see this beautiful creature and read our story in The Beauty of NOT being Logical! Whims are NOT logical!

2. Going alone to Australia for a 2-week writing cruise… I am not an adventurous solo traveler. When I could not find anyone to join me for this trip, I was ready to let it go. And yet (maybe these words are a sign of a whim!)… I could feel the longing, the desire, the need to go. I couldn’t satisfy logical answers about why or what I expected to get. I had never before agreed to share a tiny box-like room with a stranger, and I was scared to death.

And yet… I figured out how to make it happen. New Year’s Eve 2011 sent me off for one of the best adventures of my life. I met people who are still dear to me. I connected with myself and fed my writer dream (though I still have not written the book that was stirring in me at that time). Zero regrets.

I do many things “on a whim.” When I see retreats, programs, teachers, or groups, I often seem to know immediately whether this is a “yes” or a “no.” Often very big decisions happen on a whim, and in retrospect carry zero regret. It was on a whim that I applied for and got my last full-time job at a time when I had no thought of going back to work. Something inside of me knew the time was right to take this leap, even though I was largely unprepared!

I am grateful my husband shares this spontaneity – most of our moves have been out of the blue, on a whim, and sometimes right after we declared we were not moving. Actually, I met him on a whim – on a night I had sworn off men forever.

So, are whims fanciful moves of the airheaded? Or are they divine inspiration or soul guidance? I have no idea what the right answer is, but from my perspective they are most assuredly guidance, intuition, knowing, and they lead me to such beautiful richness!

What Ifs
Often times “what if’s” keep us stuck or paralyzed for fear of what might go wrong. What if it doesn’t work out? What if this was the wrong move? And, don’t get me wrong, these questions live within me even in most of my whims… the bigger the decision the louder the what if!

What if we should wait? What if that other program is better? What if our hearts aren’t big enough to love another child? See how analysis paralysis could set in? Waiting, worrying, looking for the perfect moment, wishing we could have certainty before making a move… we might never do anything!

The closer we get to the thing that’s most important to the soul, the scarier it can be! Some of my strongest anxiety has come in when things felt most right. So strange, but maybe the intensity rouses the part that wants to keep us safe… anything to prevent a big mistake!

And yet, what if we looked at our what if’s another way? What if we could connect with the wonder, awe, possibility? What if this actually works out? What if things are amazing? What if we dared to dream or hope? These what ifs can pull us forward, even into the scary unknown, riding on the wings of hope and desire!

Both sides of the what if are always available to us, because as we looked at in the recent post about Unknown and Uncertainty, no one can know with 100% certainty what the future holds. So, we always have to be willing to weigh the risks, consider the pros and cons, and feel into whether something is a yes or a no for us. With every excitement there is likely anxiety.

Wins
When I think about wins, they have nothing to do with material gain, beating someone else out for something, or even necessarily having anything wonderful to show the world. Sometimes I can’t prove a win to anyone. Sometimes the win has nothing to do with the outcome and everything to do with how I showed up along the way.

To me, a win brings a sense of contentment or fulfillment at a deep, deep level. A win is when I feel in integrity, in alignment with my soul’s imperative.

The whims I’ve shared here are all wins. I’m sure there are others that haven’t gone so well, and it’s a win that they’re not coming to mind right now.

How about you? What’s your relationship with whims, what ifs, and wins? Please share.

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Changing Perspective

Beauty and Gratitude can Change Your Life

Catching Moments

Grappling with Life's Questions

Supposed To's

Boundaries... Tough, and So Critical!

Love, What Would You Have Me Know This Day?

Life, Death, and Rebirth

Z is for Zebra!

Whims, What Ifs, and Wins

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