Category: Challenge

What a Month...

9/4/2019

What a month August was… in 31 days, I spent more days in places and experiences than I hope others experience in a lifetime – places where I felt alone and powerless and sad. Places where broken systems are anything but supportive and generate a sense of frustration and oppression. Experiences that remind me I’m in a reality I certainly never imagined.

Places filled with fear, sadness, grief, and anxiety so thick you can feel it surrounding you as you enter the overflowing and slow-moving parking garage… places where no one wants to be. Places cloaked with the stench of sickness and the heaviness of despair – where people in white coats rush about and noises drone constantly. You visit but don’t glean much information or hope. Any day at the hospital is inherently draining.

Places where I succumb to a search of my property and person even though I have committed no crime. I simply want to board a plane or love someone who is on the wrong side of the bars. Places where those in uniform clearly hold the power, and it is most wise to suppress and succumb.

Shopping for 6 whites, 6 socks, 6 boxers… alongside excited RIT and U of R students and their parents preparing for the upcoming school year and the promise it holds. I shop not for the hallowed halls of these institutions but for the stark concrete barricade of an institution of last choice and lost hope. I hope you don’t know what this feels like, but if you do, know that you are not alone…

Phone calls that don’t simply ring through but require agonizing minutes of recorded messages along with so much button pushing… calls that cannot be answered on the fly and can’t be returned if you miss them.

It’s been a month of epic highs, extreme lows and some flatline numbness. Along with the places I’ve mentioned already, I’ve also had moments that blew me away with their beauty and wonder!

Leading retreat at the serene Himalayan Institute with a group of women who openly share their hearts; Camp is in Your Heart in the incredibly gorgeous Colorado Rocky Mountains with people who share inspiration, hope, and also struggle. Guiding my sweet and wise Self-Care Sanctuary group through practices that nourish and sustain us and working with clients who are fully embracing their life and their strengths while facing their challenges… these are some of the highs. I have also cherished quieter highs in times with my beloved or a dear friend, sharing simple moments of life as well as our dreams and fears.

All of this has required me to walk between pretty open-hearted places (where I much prefer to be and how I really want to show up to life) and places where I’ve needed to armor up a bit, to protect my tender heart. It can be hard to dance back and forth between those two ways of being.

I’m generally a pretty optimistic positive person, and I have had more mornings than I’d like to admit that have begun with “I guess I’m ready to face the day.” My practices are lucky if I don’t forget them, and I am fortunate when I have remembered… they ground me. Otherwise, my mind easily gets away from me into thoughts about the past or worries about the future.

Why Share?
Why share this with you? Well, why not? When I share, I no longer have to hold my story in silence and shame or fear of judgment. As I share, each of you can lightly hold a piece of my story with me, which lightens the load on my heart. I remember that I do not walk through this world alone.

And, more importantly, maybe my sharing will allow you to open your heart and share yours. Each one of us has challenges and suffering that too often we try to bear alone. Why? What good does that do?

If You are Hurting...
If you’re hurting, please ask for help. Ask for listening. Ask for support. Ask for someone simply to walk with you through the pain. And when you need it, ask for time to be alone. But, always remember, you do not have to face this on your own. Whatever “this” is for you.

Find practices that support and nourish your body, mind, heart, and soul. Here are a few that have worked for me:

Gratitude – this is a keystone practice for me. I find it every day, in the smallest of moments and in things I might otherwise take for granted, even for tears and sad feelings. I find gratitude for being alive enough to notice.
Yoga – it brings all of our parts into the same space, reminds us of a strength and flexibility we may not have been feeling, and gives our nervous system a chance to settle for a bit.
Rest – getting all the rest we need and letting it be ok, knowing that it takes a lot of energy to go through hard times.
Nature – whether that be a walk among the trees, sitting on the grass staring up at the clouds or stars, or getting out on the lake… nature has its own soothing embrace that bathes our souls in its gentleness.
Simple Joy – find simple pleasures and let yourself enjoy them. Find laughter and play. Movies and mindless TV have been part of my self-care – they transport me out of my own head, life, and story, and carry me away to another place and time, if only for a short while. They help to shift my energy.

Have something to look forward to every day and also make plans for concerts, trips, and fun times with those you love.

Your life is still happening and you deserve to engage in it,
even when circumstances are grim.

Gentle yourself – (yes, I am intentionally using “gentle” as a verb – try it!) be very, very gentle with your tender, aching heart and lean into care, letting it be ok, releasing any harsh self-judgment.
Simplify – eliminate the drudgery – avoid the tendency to treat your life as a chore. Reschedule, delegate, and do what is absolutely required – the rest can and will wait. Leave some (or a lot) of white space in your calendar; in hard times we need extra spaciousness and breathing room.

Remember, even when things aren’t going well, you can still take time and find ways to take care of you so that you can live your life. Where there is breath, there is hope. If you’re reading this it’s safe to assume you are breathing. Hold on to that hope and live YOUR life!

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Sitting with Sadness

7/24/2019

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I woke up feeling super sad the other morning...and I don't really know why. As I journaled with the grey rain falling down around me, the tears came, and I just let them. As the day went on, I also spiraled into moments of frustration, anger, self-doubt, self-judgment - basically a messy stew of ickiness that I really don't like sitting in! As I made up stories about why I was feeling this way, I knew they were just that - stories made up by me that weren't grounded in reality, but just a reflection of how shitty I was feeling, wanting to be able to place the blame somewhere, wanting to somehow make sense of this...

Sitting with sadness…
Can you sit with it? Of course, you can, but who wants to? I find myself having many other preferred feelings and an acute desire to jump out of my own skin and beyond the sadness into whatever’s next! Anything is better than this lonely empty place. Sometimes even anger is a welcome relief, simply to break up the dull ache.

And yet, if I can sit with my sadness when it’s here, this is part of coming home to myself. With love, with honesty, with kindness and compassion, and with integrity. With tears, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, with all of my doubts and worries. This IS self-care – the part we don’t often talk about.

When I can consciously sit with my sadness, I allow myself to sink into the feeling in my body – is it warm, heavy, tingly, spiky? I let go of pretending that everything is fine. I let the tears flow. I let go of the forced smile.

I let go of the things I do to avoid feeling the sadness – you know, filling up my time with busy tasks, getting lost in social media hoping to find some true connection (oh, honey… this is not where you’ll find that!), housing that pint of Haagen Das (it really doesn’t even taste good), sleeping longer than I need to, or distracting myself basically in any way possible.

Filling the Void...
We all have our ways of seeking to fill that void. Brené Brown talks about it as numbing and Jennifer Louden names these are our “shadow comforts.” These things that we do take us away from the uncomfortable feeling. They may even appear to be good choices at times, but they don’t really fill us up or nourish us. In fact, they usually take us away from the things that truly would.

And yet, all of this is part of being human. We all go through these times, and it can be hard to know what to do with it. I was talking with my friend, Mary, about this and she shared an experience of sitting with one of her young students whose feelings had been hurt. She offered him this choice... did he want her to give him strategies to feel better or just let him be sad for as long as he needed to? He chose to just feel sad... for about 5 minutes bawled his eyes out while she sat with him and gave him all the space he needed to feel exactly what he was feeling. Then he was done. Ready to move on. What a gift Mary gave this little boy. Too often we rush to find the "feel good" feeling again and skip over this part of our humanity.  Too often we try to make others feel better rather than just sitting with them.

You are Not Alone...
Does it suck? Yup. Does it mean there’s something wrong with you? Not necessarily. Are you alone when you're in this place? No. It sure felt that way to me that morning, and yet in reality, I was not. I found a couple of friends who have the ability to sit with me in my messiness and hear all of the dark thoughts that creep into my mind. I cried. I remembered we all have these days.  I didn’t beat myself up too terribly much for being in that state. Too often we add to the suffering by getting upset with ourselves for being upset!

So, the next time you find yourself swamped by sadness, whether it’s expected or not, whether it makes sense or not, give yourself the grace of being a human being who feels. I invite you to allow yourself the time to gently be with yourself and allow yourself to feel into it, rather than trying to push it down or away. Be with yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feels – it is oh, so natural. Give yourself the grace to get the support you need – reach out to a friend, get to a counselor, ask for help and allow yourself to receive it.   You don’t have to go it alone…

And, if this is more than a passing sadness, but something that is taking you down and out of your life, please seek professional help. Here are some resources to get you started: National Institute of Mental Health.

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Yes or No?

6/8/2019

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It’s not always easy to know where to direct our attention or spend our precious energy and time. We live in an abundant world of possibilities… which is great! Until it’s not…

I, for one, can easily overwhelm and over-commit myself to too many groups (easy to do these days given the easy access to so many online groups as well as in-person ones), too many programs (anyone else a victim to the bright, shiny object syndrome??), too many practices (I love to learn and I love things that enhance my life…what can I say?)… And then I find I have too many “things” for too few hours!

And so when I woke up finding myself feeling overwhelmed, weighed down, and uncertain where to even begin I noticed the familiar tendency to freeze and just not do anything at all… or to distract myself in brilliantly disguised ways, doing things that need to be done, but maybe not right now. Or by doing things that don’t need to get done at all! That social media rabbit hole is a favorite place for me to go at times like this. How about you? Where do you go when you don’t know where to begin?

In the past two weeks I’ve been to two workshops, and I’ve loved them both! They both involve practices that I would like to bring into my everyday life. And I’m just not sure where they are going to fit in. Something needs to give to open up space in my hours. I can feel the confinement of so many things bearing down on me. The things I want to do. The things I need to do. The things that are calling me. The things that are drawing me in. And the pressures of the places I think I should show up…

I started to sit down at my desk and just start something, and very quickly realized that I had no idea where to begin. That’s when it hit me that today my morning routine had gotten disrupted and I hadn’t yet meditated. This makes all the difference in the world for me, so I took myself to my seat and sat.

When you think you don't have time...
The irony is that the moments when I don’t think I have time, is exactly when I need to make the time for the practices that support and sustain me. Meditation is one for me. Taking the time to sit with myself, to be with my breath, quiets my mind and calms my nervous system, taking me out of the reactive mode to a clearer place of discernment. From there I really can begin taking on one thing at a time with a much clearer head. I can be more discerning. I can begin.

What works for you when you get overwhelmed? How do you decide what is a "yes, this is something I will do" rather than "no!" (at least not now). Please comment so that we can all take in some new ideas. Thanks! Here’s to wise discernment and a little less overwhelm!

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Where Can You Find More Joy?

1/28/2019

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Holy cow! Life can feel so hard, overwhelming, and heavy at times! Everywhere we look there’s something to worry about, something going wrong, something to be bothered by. Heavy! Exhausting… and I’m tired of being so tired by all that’s heavy and what I label to be “wrong.”

So, I find myself wondering where can I find more joy and fun in my everyday life.   How can I bring in lightheartedness and playfulness, even when there are sad and challenging things happening in my own circle and in the world at large? How might I create more beauty and softness around me?

Honestly, I need to take some time to consciously reconnect with what brings me joy, what I find fun. I’ve gotten a little out of touch with the carefree little girl I once was – this part of me that is still here but has been pushed aside for too long. Can you feel your little one alive within you, just waiting to be remembered?

It feels like it’s time for a shake-up and time to at all aspects of my life. The old habitual “things” and ways aren’t doing it right now. It’s time to look at my daily practices. It’s time to look at how I spend my time and who I spend time with. It’s time to notice how I am showing up and asking what I’m bringing to the party. For sure, what I put out is what I will attract. Misery loves company. But I don’t want more misery. I want joy! I want fun! I want to laugh and play!

How are you doing with your joy?
How about you? How are you wanting to feel? What do you want to attract into your world? Is it time for a change? Maybe you, too, have gotten in a rut and feel ready to mix things up a bit.

What is it that brings you joy, delight, laughter, lightheartedness, and fun? Take a moment and find a quiet place to sit with this question and see what bubbles up for you.

How can you plan for a little of this each day? It’s great to have vacations, retreats, date nights, and these types of peak experiences, but let’s make it simpler… In this season of darkness, how can you bring some light and beauty into your home? In this time of worry, what gives you reason to hope? Can you tap into that? In a time of sadness, fear, or despair, where can you find a little joy?

What might be possible if you had a little more delight and a little more hope?

Please share with us the ways that you find and create joy, fun, playfulness in your life in the comments below so that we can get some new ideas that we might try when our own are getting a little stale!

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Are You at War with Reality?

8/22/2018

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Are you at war with reality? When I first heard this question, posed gently and sincerely by Tara Brach, it stopped me in my tracks. Was I? Are you kidding me?? Of course I was! Who wouldn’t be when they were facing what I was!? Righteous indignation set in. Absolutely, I’m at war with reality! And, I have every right to be! This isn’t what I signed up for!

And so it goes… from the mundane “I don’t want the days to be getting shorter…” to the deeper heartfelt plaintive wail “Nooooo!” that goes along with a life-changing diagnosis or the death of a loved one, there are so many moments when we don’t like what’s happening. We really can’t stand that this is our reality. We desperately want things to be different.

But, this is the way it is right now…

Signs you might be at war with reality

Wondering if you are at war with your reality?

If you find yourself thinking or saying anything like this, you might be at war with reality:
It shouldn’t be…
How did this happen? This isn’t how my kids were raised!
I can’t deal with this!
This person/company/country cannot be doing this…
NO! I refuse to believe it! (that one’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?)

What do you do now?

If you find yourself accepting that you are at war with reality (possibly and probably more often than you know), what do you do?

One of the key principles of mindfulness is to be with what is. Easier said than done, for sure. Yet, when we are able to do so, there is a softening, a tiny relaxing, a teeny sense of ease that sinks in simply because we have let go of resisting.

When we resist, we tighten in order to hold on to something or to brace ourselves against something, and in the tightening and bracing, our unhappiness, struggle, and suffering increases significantly. Not only is this thing going on, but now we’ve added an internal battle against it.

Being with what IS doesn’t mean we have to like it. It simply means that we need to accept that it is indeed here in this moment. From that place, we are able to sit with it, see how it lands in us, and then be in a place where we can more consciously ask the question, “OK, this is happening. Now what?”

I’m not asking you to deny your resistance or denial – that would only complicate things further. Be with your feelings of sadness, anger, fear, or grief. Be with them as long and as often as they arise. That is absolutely part of the practice of being with what’s real. You’re feeling this way – give yourself the space and compassion to be exactly where you are in this moment.

Then lay down the sword that’s fighting whatever has caused you so much angst and lean into your experience. When you face it head on, with the acceptance that it’s here, you are much better prepared for what will come next.

The Practice of RAIN

The mindfulness practice of RAIN: Recognizing, Allowing, Investigating and Nurturing is one I’ve found to be super helpful when facing hard times. Depending on your situation, this might be a very quick practice that yields some comfort right away, or it might require a longer chunk of time or even many rounds to really find any relief.

We are not looking for a quick fix – life doesn’t work that way. We are looking for a practice that will support you as you face the challenges that life inevitably and continually throws our way.

Recognize what is happening and what you’re feeling – “My child just betrayed me. I’m pissed!”

Allow it to be here, just as it is – rather than pushing it away and wishing it weren’t so, make room for the anger, and recognize that your heart truly is able to hold it all.

Investigate – with kindness and curiosity, not mentally, but in your body – where does this anger land? How does it feel? “Ah, my jaw is clenched. My stomach is in a knot. I’m barely breathing.”

Nurture – bring loving compassion to yourself. What do you need in this moment? How can you care for yourself in this state of anger? What kind of loving support do you want right now?

After the RAIN, simply soak it in… allow it to nourish you to your roots. Then, just like plants and flowers do after a real rain, you are able to open up and blossom once again.

Simply by allowing yourself to have the reaction you’re having, taking the time to be with yourself and notice and name what’s going on, to inquire how you might care for yourself or ask for the support you need, you’ve already loosened its grip on you. You’ve given yourself a chance to step into some practices that might actually nurture, nourish, and support you to face this thing that is causing so much despair.

It’s a Practice

Like so many things, it’s a practice. A practice of being aware and being with. Practices ask us to repeat them over and over. Practices allow us to forget them and then to remember, over and over again. A practice isn’t something you do once and check it off of your list.

For more about RAIN, I recommend checking out Tara Brach’s resources here. She has a number of talks, writings, and meditations to deepen into this beautiful self-compassion practice.

Because, when we are at war with reality, we are certainly not being kind or gentle to ourselves. We are struggling within our own experience, and we suffer from this fight.

May today you greet yourself with loving kindness. May you find peace. May you allow your experience to be just as it is. May you live with ease.

Wishing you so much goodness.

I’d love to hear how this lands with you and please share your experiences both of resisting and of allowing. What are your signals that you’re at war with reality and what’s worked to support you in moving through these times?
Please join the conversation below.

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Celebrating Possibility

7/29/2018

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I’ve never considered myself a particularly big risk taker, but as I reflect back on my life, I recognize that there have been plenty of chances taken along the way. Since we can never really know how things will turn out, many possibilities require some degree of courage for us to step into them.

With that said, there are some decisions that feel riskier than others. Those moments when we’re trying something we really aren't sure we can do, taking a chance on our biggest dream, or putting our hearts out there on the line. The times when it would just be easier to go on steadily doing what we’ve always done, what we know works, what feels comfortable…

As I remember moments when I did take a chance, I can feel a huge smile throughout my whole being that tells me these times in my life are a big deal! There is something enticing, magical, rewarding (and scary) about stretching beyond what’s comfortable or known to go for something you really want.

Two years ago today I had one of my biggest, most joyful OMG moments! I was in Taos when I had received a voicemail from my publisher saying, “I have good news about your book…” Since I had just submitted my final approvals a few days earlier I presumed it was moving forward. No surprise there. I’d call him on Monday when I was back home.

But no… that night in the Albuquerque hotel I receive a text from a dear friend: “Your book is ON Amazon! I just ordered it - it’ll be here Tuesday!” What?? I hadn’t even held a copy in my own hands yet! Are you kidding me? Let me tell you, there is something very bizarre about searching for yourself on Amazon and finding your book there! But a few clicks later, and, there it was!!

I can still feel the heart-pounding, shaky, tingly, smiling from the inside out, beaming through every cell of my body feeling as I remember that moment. It was truly surreal and magical… a dream come true! It had taken two years to get to that point and many moments of wondering if I'd ever see that day - doubt, fear, self-criticism... they all could have stopped me at any point along the way.

Today I celebrate that moment because it represents the super-charged joy that comes from taking something that once felt impossible and bringing it into reality! I celebrate it for me and for those around me who I see taking a chance every day. I celebrate the times we step toward a greater goal even when things don't work out as we had hoped. Because at least we have tried.

The opportunities we take often become our most rewarding memories Buying a house, adopting a baby, changing careers, traveling across the world, putting in the proposal you never really expect to get, hosting your first art exhibit, starting a business, retiring, saying “yes” to that first date. These are all decisions that come with vulnerability, challenge, and uncertainty. There is no guarantee of success or happiness, but there is a satisfaction that comes from knowing that you felt the nudge, and you went for it.

Life is full of possibility, so make the choices that make you happy. The ones you know on some level you are meant to take. You should go for the opportunities that bring out your gifts, the ones that bring true joy, the ones that let you shine your light! Life is short. Life is uncertain. So, for heaven’s sake, go for the joy of being fully alive while you’re here! You don’t want to miss it.

Somewhere inside we all know when there’s a chance worth taking. It often comes with a strange blend of excitement and anxiety, although there's no real danger. Give yourself the possibility of finding amazing, unexpected joy, love, or the thrill of gazing at some creation that came about because you said “yes!”

Grant yourself moments of awe as you take in the beauty around you – in the art you’ve created, the vacation you’ve allowed yourself to take, the home you've created, or the loving relationship you dared to let in. Breathe it in – let it nourish your soul! These moments deserve to be scattered throughout your life!

Is there a place in your life where you’re holding back rather than going for something that is calling you? What would help you take that first step?

What chances have you taken and how have they been worth it?

Please join the discussion in the comments below! We love hearing from you.

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How Might Gratitude Support You?

11/22/2017

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At this time of year gratitude and thankfulness are everywhere. So I have been reflecting on how gratitude serves us, particularly when times are tough.

Gratitude in times of Transition

Transition and change, whether they are wanted or not, are uncomfortable and challenging. They rock our world and throw us into unfamiliar and even more uncertain than usual territory. Recently having gone through a big move, I’ve had a chance to feel this earth-shattering reality, even though I was making a change I very much wanted.

One of the things that kept me grounded throughout the ups and downs of house buying and selling was my daily gratitude practice. Why? Because at times when I was irrationally terrified, it balanced my perspective with a look at the things that were at least all right in my daily life. It offset the natural human tendency to look at what’s wrong or anticipate the next disaster that might be lurking just around the corner.

When I was filled with excitement, joy, and eager anticipation, gratitude helped me to celebrate and take that in. As much as we have a tendency to notice the “negative,” we also often seem to be conditioned to downplay or dismiss “positive” moments. The pause of appreciative reflection allows us to take in and enjoy these happy moments.

What is Gratitude?

Gratitude is about noticing things we appreciate and coming into relationship with what IS. Sometimes we can even be grateful for fear, anger, or sadness because they reveal something to me that needs to be seen – they uncover a layer of reality. Gratitude isn’t always about sunshine and rainbows! It also isn’t about jumping over sad, angry or fearful feelings to get to a place of feeling good or looking for the silver lining. But, it can help open us to see beyond what’s right in front of us that may feel all-consuming.

How Can Gratitude Support Me?

So, how might gratitude support you if you are going through a transition? If you’ve recently lost a job or a relationship, and you’re not sure what lies ahead, it might be tough to see or feel anything positive. But if you were to take a few moments each day to find even the smallest thing to appreciate, it could shift not only your view of life but how you show up in life, to your family, and to the world at large (including to people you might be interviewing with or asking for support).

Research has shown that people who practice gratitude are healthier, have more optimism and happiness, create stronger relationships, and are more generous. These sound like traits of someone I’d want to be around (or hire!)… how about you?

What IS a Gratitude Practice?

What’s a gratitude practice look like? Whatever you want it to! The key is to not make it a big “to do” or one more thing to add to your list of tasks to complete. Find a way to bring in gratitude that feels supportive and nourishing for you. Different things work for different people. The first step is to slow down enough to even make the inquiry and notice what am I grateful for? If you’re not in the habit of thinking this way or asking yourself that question, it may take a while to shift from your regularly programmed thinking.

Here are some ideas to get you started. Maybe upon waking you reflect on a few things you are grateful for before you even get out of bed; this is a beautiful way to start your day and can really influence how you approach whatever is before you. You might want to keep a gratitude journal and jot down things you appreciate throughout the day. Perhaps what works for you is an evening reflection before bed. It’s a soothing bedtime routine and a great counter to the all too common thought that often creeps in that says “That day was a waste.” or “Wow, what a horrible day I had!” It doesn’t matter whether you write, mentally note, or speak out loud your gratitude as long as you’ve taken some time to notice and acknowledge it.

Even on some of my most horrible days, I’ve been able to find things that I am truly, honestly grateful for – the cleansing tears that allowed my broken heart to crack open a little bit more and relieved me of having to hold it together; having a pillow to scream into and punch when my anger consumed me; loud music and a good car scream; the friend who made me laugh even when I wanted to cry or the friend who simply sat with me and let me feel what I was feeling.

Don’t know where to get started? How about appreciating having clean air to breathe, fresh running water to drink, sunshine, a roof over your head, a fresh idea, or the beauty of birdsong. Don’t force it. Begin with what feels true to you. Notice something you truly do appreciate. Then mentally reflect, write it, draw it, paint it, sing it, share it with a loved one… whatever works for you!

If you’d like some practices to support you in cultivating gratitude, you might visit Greater Good In Action, where you will find several simple meditations and exercises to get you started or to enhance an existing practice.

Have fun exploring how gratitude might support you. Please let us know what you discover!!

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OK, So THAT Happened… Now What?

11/14/2016

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My husband and I have a way of saying, “Sooooo, that just happened,” in unbelievable moments when our world has just been rocked, and we’re trying to find our footing a bit. It helps us to take a step back, smack ourselves back into reality, and realize that we have to figure out what our next move will be.

Election 2016 in the US is behind us. Thank goodness, because, quite frankly, it’s one of the most ugly, upsetting, and divisive things I’ve experienced in my 52 years of life! And, sadly, the ugliness has not gone away.

And, if like me, you found yourself reeling as the states were called and what felt like an impossibility became possible and then very real, you might be trying to find your ground now and trying to figure out how to move forward.

It’s been almost a week and it’s clear that many are still reeling, and that is totally okay. As one of my teachers said today, “This isn’t like losing the World Series.” No, this is far bigger and far more important.

For those of you who are grieving now, feeling sad, angry, confused, lost, hopeless, fearful, and don’t know what to do next, I stand with you and I offer you this post. It is easy to sink into despair and project out into the future with doom and gloom scenarios. It’s all too easy to engage in defensive or attacking battle in the social media world. With the rhetoric that has been spewed, the anger-inciting behavior we’ve witnessed, the early actions taken, and the violent reactions we’re seeing, it’s easy to go there.

Let me reassure you all that I am not offering any Pollyanna BS, nor am I asking you to find a silver lining. I will not pretend to hold your answers, and I will not tell you to get over this. Nor do I intend to add fuel to the fire and rile you up for battle. My hope is only to walk with you as we move into tomorrow.

It’s taken me days to finish this post because I am swimming in my own confusion and in the murkiness of all that’s being hurled around in the news and on Facebook. Never before have I seen such a free-for-all of opinion sharing, judgment, shame, blame, and flat out attacks on those who view the world and the situation differently.

I’ve certainly had my own opinions, shared my own views, and openly questioned things that simply couldn’t land in my heart and head. I’ve been uncharacteristically vocal during this election and in its aftermath because it feels too important not to be silent. And I make no pretense of being “holier than thou” here. I am doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

So, what now? Early on November 9, my first move after hearing the news was to turn to my teachers via social media to see how they were reacting. And, what I found was…nothing. Crickets… They weren’t there yet, because they too were reeling. They had no more inspiration to offer in the midst of shock than I did. They were taking their own time to be stunned, to feel, to grieve, and to maybe come to some level of groundedness before they could speak.

As I struggled with my own shock, sadness, grief, fear, and confusion, after I sobbed… after I got to yoga and moved a bit, I came home to myself and to the wisdom of my many teachers. I share it with you now in the hopes that perhaps some of it may be useful for you in this or other turbulent times.

From Tara Brach – Ask the poignant question, “Are you at war with reality?” This election is over. The results are in, and I only cause myself more suffering by denying it with screams of “Nooooooo!” or spinning into “How, how, how did this happen?” Though these were certainly among my first reactions. Being at war with what is does not serve me; I need to find a way to accept it as reality, though I do not have to like it or get over it. I have to come to terms with what’s before me.

From Renee Trudeau – Pause. It is so essential to stop and just breathe for a moment when it seems like everything is in a frenzy. Pause to create some space around what’s happening. Pause to find my breath. Pause to tune into what’s coming up for me and within me.

From Tara again (and Renee and Jen Louden who reinforce this regularly) – Be with what’s here. Notice what’s happening in my body. Feel into it. Don’t try to chase it away, but just be with it. Notice it, allow it, and then nurture myself in the loving way I would a dear friend. Feel the pain and the suffering. Do not jump over it or try to do a bypass of it. Be with it.
From Renee again – Remember the critical importance of self-care and her beautiful definition: “Self-care is the art of attuning and responding to our needs and desires, moment to moment.” What is it I need in this moment? The pausing and the noticing gives me a shot at answering this question. This is all I can do. Only by taking good care of me can I have any hope of offering anything to anyone else. I must begin here now that I’ve found and caught my breath.

“I will not abandon myself!” This has been my most powerful mantra since I first learned it from Renee a couple of years ago. Nothing and no one can take me away from my values, what I stand for, what’s true and integral for me. And, I need to remember first and foremost to be here for myself in loving kindness and gentleness as I notice what’s up and again offer myself the space to be real with what’s here and to nurture myself accordingly.

From Jen Louden – Remember to believe in our essential goodness – my own and everyone else’s. This is a hard one right now because it doesn’t feel like love, kindness, compassion, or goodness have been at play to bring about this outcome. And, yet, the people who voted for Trump are the same neighbors and community members they were yesterday – the sweet couple with their little girl behind me in line to vote. I don’t know who his voters are, but for the most part, I believe they’re voting their conscience. I believe this, even when we strongly disagree on so much. And, beyond the extremists who voice their hatred and bigotry openly and loudly, I do not believe labelling an entire group of people is helpful or fair.

I need to remember our common humanity, and that we have more in common than not. Putting people into camps of “us” vs. “them” does not serve me or anyone else and only deepens the divide. Yet, this is what I continue to see playing out over and over in thread after thread. It’s exhausting and it’s disheartening. This does not serve the future of our country. We’ve been there before. The Civil War springs immediately to mind. I’m not looking for a replay of that.

From Laura Berman Fortgang – “Discomfort = growth.” There is tons of discomfort here, so where is the opportunity for growth? Where are the opportunities to show up? What is my discomfort bringing up and what is it calling me to? Nothing changes when we stay comfortable. This election certainly has shaken us up and feels like a wake-up call. We can’t go back to sleep.

From my own life experience – Sometimes it takes being shaken up to get out of complacency. Often it’s from the darkest moments that we do our greatest work. Life is calling us to show up now – our wisdom, our love, our debate, our commitment, our passion, our questions, our action – they’re being shaken awake and we need them all.

I remembered the things that ground me, that bring me back to clarity. I remembered to come home to myself. For me this means I need silence, stillness, space and time for reflection and meditation. I need to get to yoga. I need to write. I need to find my breath and anchor there when there is nothing else that I can grasp onto. I need to surround myself with mindful people and have honest conversations; connection feels really important right now. I need to try to tap into faith, and I’m finding that hard. I need to remember that I’m resilient as hell, and so are we as a collective. We will get through. What it will look like on the other side, I don’t know.

From the recovery world – You have to hit bottom before you can sober up and get on the road to recovery. These are sobering times, for sure. Maybe this is our bottom.

One of the things that came out in this election which greatly saddened me was the clarity of how deeply divided we are, of how far we have NOT come since Martin Luther King Jr. or Susan B. Anthony. It also saddened me to think that the “change” we just voted for might actually set us back in time and deepen the divide. We’ve been given many reasons to believe it could.

So, it was a sobering day for many of us and it’s been a turbulent, sobering, and explosive time in the past week. And, so the road to recovery lies before us, and we can step on it as we are ready, when we are ready, and not until we are. For now, be where you are… feel it rather than stuff it, but don’t get stuck in the swamp of doom and gloom never to rise again – we need you.

So, we find a force that motivates and mobilizes us – whether it’s the power of hope, or the strong drive for justice. We listen to where we are being called. And, when we hear the call (which will be different for each of us), we show up. It could be for the environment, civil rights, healthcare, or poverty – there are so many areas that need you. Where are you being called and how might you begin to take action there and make the impact that only you can?

Perhaps it’s time we don’t rely on the government for funding or support. Dark times often lead us to do great things.

The reality is that how YOU show up to your life matters. Nothing has changed this. How you show up (positively or negatively) ripples out. What energy do you want to bring as we move forward? For move forward we must, each in our own time. I know some are not ready yet. I’m not sure I am, but I do know that the sun keeps rising and the moon still moves steadily through its cycles. As one of my friends noted last week, I take comfort in the rhythms of nature.

What is it that will carry you on, one step at a time into the tomorrow we walk toward together? What will comfort you and nourish you in a time when your energy is needed? Who do you want in your world? Who’s your support and who challenges you to greatness? What are the practices that can bring you back to “this moment?” What will stop you from projecting out to an unknown future? We must begin where we are. And, whatever you do, please do not go back to sleep.

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Can You be OK, Even When “Things” Aren’t?

5/3/2016

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Life happens. And, let’s face it, life’s happenings aren’t always pleasant, fun, or even comfortable. Sometimes, life’s happenings are painful, unpleasant, or un-fun. If we’re honest, they are always uncertain.

I was asked recently, “How are things?” and I found myself pausing and answering another question. My reply: “I’m doing really well.” Because “things” right now are very uncertain, sad, scary, and bordering on crisis. I didn’t want to focus there.

Instead, I wanted to focus on the strength, calm, clarity, and courage I have cultivated and drawn on, even in the midst of such troubling times and “things.”

How often do we find ourselves swept away by the story of the chaos, the confusion, the drama, and other people’s stuff, unable to find our own footing and ground in the middle of all of that? It happens quickly and easily, often without any warning or time for us to notice. It happens to all of us, and it can take us down quickly and deeply.

Or, we can catch our breath, take a look around and remember that we are not victims of our circumstances. We can notice what’s real for us, feel what we feel, let that be OK, and still choose whether WE are OK or not. And if we’re not ok right now, can we let that be OK for now? If we’re not OK, how long will we stay in that space? Maybe we have no idea, and we simply choose to take things one moment, one breath at a time.

We will choose whether this instance will empower us, emboldening us to reclaim our stand, set boundaries to honor ourselves, or not. We will choose whether to be caught up in someone else’s net or to find a way to stand beside them or far away from them so that we can stand our own ground.

Sometimes it doesn’t seem possible or even right to be OK when someone we love is suffering or struggling. We have a preconceived notion that a “good mother” or a “good friend” or “good partner, community member daughter, son”… (fill in the blank) should not feel OK if someone else does not.

But, when you think about it, the best thing you can do for everyone is build up your own reserves, take really good care of yourself, find the truth and integrity that comes from knowing your own needs and honoring them the best way you can. Only then can you possibly show up to love or support another. Only by being there for yourself first, by finding a way to be “OK” (whatever that looks or feels like in that moment – for it will surely change) can you have anything available to give to another.

As they say, “Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.” And, choose to be OK, even when things aren’t. They often aren’t and we often miss out on life we don’t need to miss out on wishing and hoping and waiting for “things” to change, rather than changing ourselves and how we show up.

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What Happens Outside Your Comfort Zone?

9/1/2015

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Neale Donald Walsch has said, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone,” and Laura Berman Fortgang taught me that “Discomfort equals growth.” I believe and teach both of these concepts, AND at the same time I am very conscious that for me, things could also easily come to a screeching halt at the end of my comfort zone.

When I’m uncomfortable, feeling out of my element, I get out of sorts really quickly and want to run and hide! So, I could easily miss out on the opportunity that life is presenting me if I give in to that habitual pattern that is so deep inside me.

This awareness came up front and center this morning at my Nia dance class. It’s only my 4th class, and I missed last week because of vacation. Today I felt all out of sorts – off rhythm and moving forward when the class was moving back or left when they were sliding right. And, the more aware I become of how “off” I was, I felt myself pull back, tense up, and want to completely shut down rather than just let it be ok.

This is supposed to be a fun class for me – a chance for exploration and expression in a new way. And what I felt today was very vulnerable and very awkward. As I watched the teacher and other students move with a grace and ease that was beautiful and seemed effortless, I got more and more stuck in being still, tight, and wrong. More and more stuck in my head. Surprisingly that didn’t help my grace and ease! Go figure!

As I walked over to get a drink between songs, for a brief moment I considered walking out almost in tears – just quitting. My inner critic was having a field day telling me I wasn’t good enough. Asking “Why bother? You’ll never move like they do!” Declaring, “You can’t do this! What were you thinking?” “Just get out before anyone else notices how off you are or before you bump into someone.”

No, the dance floor is not the space where I shine, but when I let myself, I can have a ball with it and my body thanks me for taking a risk to move in ways that are not natural or easy for me. When I compare myself to others, I feel more and more like a fool and imagine all eyes are on me (of course, they aren’t – no one else cares at all).

I have a strong need to know how to do things and to get it right. Today I couldn’t even hear because my ears were plugged and the acoustics are tough… so, I felt lost, flailing, and out of sorts. Definitely out of my comfort zone.

The growth came in the moment when I decided to approach myself with some tenderness – to reassure and comfort myself so that I could come back to me and push myself to stay in the dance.

Today reminded me of another significant time in my life when I was immensely challenged – three years ago I was in the Adirondacks facing fears I didn’t know I had. Thankfully, I was with a group of wonderfully supportive people who helped me push past my mental barriers as I faced physical hurdles that I truly did not feel capable of overcoming. As I watched others scale heights that scared me simply to look at and stretch themselves across tight ropes and balance beams, I found myself frozen halfway up the ladder toward what I had determined to be the easiest challenge.

I wanted to come back down. I begged to come back down. Our leader urged me to take a few steps past where I thought I could. And, I did. Then I came down and thought I would walk away satisfied. Of course he knew better and helped me to see that I would not be satisfied if I didn’t even try.

After quite a pep talk where I acted the petulant, resistant, stubborn child, and with the help of every person in that group, I put the harness on again and got back on the ladder. I triumphed over my mind with a determination that I would not stop climbing (for if I did, I surely would get frozen again). I shouted out my intention to get across the wires to the wilderness and anyone within earshot. Scampered up the pole like Spider Man, and I did it!

I honestly didn’t know if I would make it or not, but I am so grateful that I was able to face my fear of setting a goal I might not meet – a fear so strong that it literally stopped me in my tracks. It wasn’t my physical ability that was getting in my way. It was my mind and the stories that rapidly filled my head.

Growth… and life’s finest opportunity… truly comes in those moments when we are paralyzed by fear or discomfort, and we do it anyway. So, while today’s dance class wasn’t as joyful as I would have liked it to be, I took away just what I needed. I was able to witness what happens when I begin judging and comparing and finding myself falling short or feeling less than. And, I was able to keep on going.

Where are you letting discomfort stop you and how can you move on through and see what’s waiting for you as you come out the other side?

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About me...

I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay. I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.

This is the space where we get real. I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.

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What a Month...

Sitting with Sadness

Yes or No?

Where Can You Find More Joy?

Are You at War with Reality?

Celebrating Possibility

How Might Gratitude Support You?

OK, So THAT Happened… Now What?

Can You be OK, Even When “Things” Aren’t?

What Happens Outside Your Comfort Zone?

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