Inspired Possibility Blog

What Being in Recovery Means to Me

9/16/2021

Young man (my son) dressed in Senior Ball suit kissing woman (me) in front of a tree

Me and my son 10 years ago (still one of my favorite moments that captures our joy and love)

September is National Recovery Month!

Recovery is possible for people with substance use disorder and for their families! And those things are not dependent on one another.

I am a family member in long-term recovery from the effects of my son’s substance use disorder.

What that means to me is that I have found a way to recover, reclaim, and live my life, while also loving my son. It means that my happiness, peace of mind, and well-being do not depend on his. It means I have accepted that we are separate individuals each walking our own journey and I can honor our paths and our bond. I am grateful to walk alongside him and for the depth of love this journey has brought forward for us.

It means that I am committed to living life fully, to embracing my days and showing up for my life, even on days when my son has struggled...even on days when I am struggling. It means taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time. It means that I have practices that help me to practice self-care and to be mindfully present - which means that I meet myself where I am honestly - some days are better than others. I am devoted to true self care as I define it: to be true to and gentle with myself one moment at a time.

It means remembering who I am and who he is before and beyond this disease. It means moving toward who we may become as we each heal and grow.

It means I have met some of the most amazing, sensitive, creative, wise, impactful , intuitive, generous and loving people who are on their own journey of recovery. They show me what’s possible and have opened my eyes and heart to the people they are beyond substance use disorder.

It means that I am committed to using the pain, lessons, love, compassion, and growth I have experienced to support others in their recovery, both family members and individuals.

It also means that I will join with other recovery advocates to break the silence and shatter the stigma around substance use disorder and call for love and compassion toward those impacted.
#recoverymonth #recoveryispossible
#familiesrecover

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One Step at a Time!

9/15/2021

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12-step programs use “one day at a time” as a guiding principle. I’ve adapted that to “one moment at a time” for years because there are simply too many moments in a day! In meditation we are often brought back to “one breath at a time,” a reminder that this is all we have. This breath. This moment.

Last week when I was in Colorado, I went on a couple of mountain hikes that were a little (or maybe a lot) out of my comfort zone. I was brought to the present moment with a snap of reality that I could only take it “one step at a time!” This became my mantra for the trip. I couldn’t miss that this is also a great metaphor for life.

As I navigated cliffside boulder fields, gradual and steep inclines, and even endless stairs (everything is on a slope there!!), I had to remember to not look too far ahead, to not look down (or up), to not look behind me. If I did, I might freak myself out!

I got experience how my open-eyed meditation practice supports me in “real life!” If I could keep my soft-eyed meditative gaze, 2-6’ ahead of me, taking in whatever was in my visual field, I could make it through bit by bit, one mindful step at a time.

Did I have to stop and catch my breath? Heck yeah! Many, many times! Did I need to allow my heartrate to come back down to normal? Um, yes! At 6400+ feet above sea level, my heart was pounding even without the added exertion and heat! Did I worry about being a drag to my companions? I did, but I talked myself through it.

Did I feel really proud of myself for getting through stuff I wasn’t at all sure I could navigate (like those boulder fields or the drop-off steps down the side of a cliff)? I did! I don’t always give myself enough credit for how strong, able, persistent, or courageous I am. Especially when it comes to physical acts. I’m comfortable with emotional, mental, and spiritual strength and endurance. But, physical…not so much. I have a ton of stories about who I am and what I can and cannot do. Lots of the time they stop me from pushing myself to my limits.

What helped was this reality guidepost – All you can do is One Step at A Time. Isn’t that what life is, after all? Just a series of single steps woven together? When we face an obstacle we don’t think we can get through, often if we just take that first step, take our time, navigate carefully through, we find ourselves on the other side having surprised ourself at our own strength, flexibility, agility, persistence, courage.

In a very real sense, I was physically exhausted, but in a way that I’m not usually. This was not the physical exhaustion that comes as a byproduct of emotional or mental over-working. This was genuine in the body, tired to the bones, shaking in my core exhaustion – the kind that also says, “You are stronger than you imagined!” The kind that invites a solid, hard night’s sleep!

I return from this trip with a sense of exhilaration, a sense of aliveness, and an awareness that I want to push myself more often now that I know I am more able than I think! I am acutely aware that this idea that “life is for living” resonates deep within me. I need to do things that bring joy, peace, connection, and maybe a little bit of challenge!

How often in life do we find ourselves thinking ahead, planning or worrying, anticipating what is coming, what might happen, or what might be needed? Dwelling on something that’s already happened? Finding ourselves out there with all the thoughts while also trying to be present… How often do we hold those thoughts not only for ourselves, but for all the people in our world (family, friends, clients, employees, the community at large…)? I watched myself do this on the return trip home – at the airport, on the roads, looking for signs, making sure we had all the necessary documentation at the ready, planning, trying to be one step ahead. It’s exhausting! (Listen to We Can Do Hard Things podcast on Overwhelm to hear more about this “ticker tape” that often runs through a person’s head!)

It was so refreshing to spend a few days not doing all of that – just allowing the days to unfold, to see where the spirit moved us to go, to be exquisitely present on a mountaintop, taking it one step at a time. Thankfully this energy still reverberates throughout my whole being – these lessons and insights will carry me back into day-to-day life. My heart is so happy and my soul is ecstatic!

How might this experience guide you? Where can you slow it down to literally one step at a time? Stop jumping too far ahead and simply allow yourself to truly be right here, right now. This moment, this next step – that’s it! Where can you let go of over-thinking, over-planning, over-worrying (especially about things that are beyond your control)?

Can you lean into the truth that often we don’t know what lies around the next corner? Can you lean into the challenge that is before you now the way I leaned into the mountainside to avoid a potentially disastrous slip? And, where and how can you give yourself a chance for a little refresh? Is there a part of you wanting to come back to life?

Life truly is for living, my friend! And, if we take it one wise step at a time, we can carry ourselves forward into places that just might surprise us! We might discover we are stronger, braver, wiser, and more skillful than we ever dreamt.

I invite you to join me and Sandra Sabene for this year’s incredible 5-day Let Your Light Shine! Retreat that begins on September 24th! This is a great chance for you to live into this idea of one step at a time! It’s an opportunity to slow down, to see what calls you, moment by moment. It’s a chance to connect with your heart and inner guidance. It’s a chance to be nourished in so many ways – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! It’s a chance to take yourself out into nature – to hike the woods, walk the labyrinth, sit by the fire… a chance to dance, sing, play, create, as well as a chance to deeply connect within.

What are you taking away? Please share!!

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Making Tough Choices

8/10/2021

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Last week I wrote about disappointing people and how sometimes we make choices that do disappoint others. We make those choices to be honest and true to ourselves. If you missed that and want to check it out, you can find that here.

It’s also worth pointing out that the reality of life is sometimes we just will disappoint others, even when we don’t know we are. Not by choice. Not intentionally. But just by the things we do or the way we show up (or how we don’t). There’s no getting around it and you can make yourself crazy trying to make all the people happy all the time. It can’t be done… so, let go of that. And this is why we come back to the notion of being true to ourselves as a guiding light.

I have a strong hunch when we are true to the best version of ourselves (which is really what I’m talking about), you are not going to go out and ruthlessly hurt other people. If you have any concern that this will lead to reckless narcissism or deep selfishness, you can probably let that go!

And, when you are not living true to your best self, when you are being what you think other people want or need you to be, the best version of yourself cannot show up to the world. It has been relegated to the basement or some back dark room… its hunkered down longing to come alive.

Often, we stay stuck and don’t follow our hearts or our dreams because we are so afraid we’re going to let someone else down. Sometimes we don’t follow a dream because it’s scary to see it come to life (this is a weird one but I have experienced it a couple of times when life-long dreams were about to come true… glad I persisted through the discomfort and allowed them to unfold anyway).

Sooooo… let’s look at when it might be risky to make a decision because you’re not clear on whether this decision will honor you or is simply an attempt to try to please someone else.

When NOT to make a decision:
- When you’re feeling exhausted, depleted, drained, or overwhelmed. It’s highly unlikely that you’re able to access your true guidance in these states and you’re much more likely to default to what feels easiest, least controversial or bothersome. It will be easy to collapse and defer to what others are telling you or to just do what you’ve always done.
- When you’re doing it solely for someone else (with a boatload of resentment or ickiness brewing beneath the surface, even if you have the best intentions). Unless you can get to a place where you know that you are consciously choosing, it’s better to hold off if you can.

I’ve had very dear friends almost spend a lot of money and time to take a retreat or program I’m offering “to support me.” No! Please don’t do that! I appreciate the thought, but quite honestly, I don’t want you there unless you’re there for yourself! Leave the spot open for someone who truly feels called to be there.

- When your choice is based on what others will think of you. You’re not in their heads – you have no idea what they will think! And, more often than not, the people you are giving a vote to aren’t even people you care that much about! So, let that shit go! Who cares what someone else thinks about whether you add one more pet to your family, where you go on vacation, how you spend your days, that you don’t want to have a child or get married, or that you want to date after all these years?

- When you can’t think clearly. When you’re in the thick of something, especially something upsetting, you might feel constricted, forced, or limited. You may see no option or way out. This is a time to step back and find some breathing room before moving forward. Sometimes there is a true urgency that requires action anyway – I still recommend at least a few minutes of deep breathing just to slow down, pause, and interrupt that spinning cycle that could lead to impulsive reactive choices.
Sometimes the “urgency” is not real or something that someone else is trying to impose upon you (pushy sales people and disreputable businesses trying to make you “buy now! Time is running out!” BS). For me, that’s a red flag. If someone can’t give me time to think something through, then my answer will be “No!” I used to tell my kids, “If you make me answer you now, the answer is no. If you give me some time to think about it, it might be yes. I don’t know yet…” Amazing how patient they became when I didn’t cave in to fabricated pressure.

Good news! There are things that can help take you from a place of confusion into making a solid decision that you can stand behind and feel good about!

Some things that help to make a hard choice that feels good (in alignment with your heart and soul):

Time and space to breathe! BREATHE. PAUSE. If you know me at all, you’ve likely heard this a thousand times… because it bears repeating. Because it’s something I need to continue to remember. The less time you feel you have, the more important it is to take time.
Get quiet. Get grounded. See #1… and also maybe put your bare feet on the grass, take a breath of fresh outdoor air, gaze at the clouds, into a pond, or the flame of a fire. Find something that works for you to bring you back to you. Listen within. Step away from outside voices and opinions.
Move from your head into your heart. It helps to place your hands on your heart, close your eyes, and imagine breathing into this space. Ask for guidance from this heart space. You’ll know if the response you get is from your mind or your heart – the mind will try to convince, justify, rationalize, or defend a position. The heart knows. You will sense your answer rather than think it. It may not make sense to the mind, even if you get the heart buzz that says, “this is the choice to make.”
Feel into each possibility you’re considering. From a quiet, heart-centered place, where you’ve given yourself space to listen within, play out the scenario of “yes” or “no” or option A or option B, C, D…in your imagination and notice how your body feels, how your breathing responds. Is there a sense of openness, expansion, softening? Or do you feel tight, constricted, restricted? What do you make of that? Your body is a great GPS or North Star when you learn to tune into it in this way. I’ve recorded this guided meditation to support you with this exploration.
Free write about each possibility – allow your hand to move across the page as you handwrite, “If I do/choose ____...” for each one – write for a few minutes without stopping to think. When you think you’ve written all there is to say, ask yourself, “And what else?” and see what comes through. The key is to keep the pen moving so that you can tap in beneath the surface – allow yourself to be surprised. You may or may not get the answer you expected.
MAYBE talk it through with someone you trust who can help you to reflect – someone who can listen not only to what you’re saying, but for what’s not being said, for changes in your energy, changes in your voice. A good sounding board is someone who helps you arrive at your own answers. The people closest to you are not always good sounding boards, particularly if your decision might upset their life in some way. A counselor, coach, or trusted friend might be.
Listen for and notice any deeply ingrained conditioning, patterns or vows that may be coming into play and influencing you one way or the other. Things like, “I’m not someone who…” or “I swore I could never…” “things aren’t supposed to come easily – this must be too good to be true” are signs that an unconscious program is running the show. This is a great time to get curious – ask yourself, “Is that still true? Does this serve me now? What if…?”
Notice if you’re holding onto one thing while reaching for the next. Sometimes we have to let go of one bank of the river to reach the other side but we hold on, straddling both shores, being stretched thin, for fear of what we might lose if we let go. Fear of stepping into the unknown can keep us stuck even if staying with what’s known is no longer healthy, fun, or beneficial. Knowing what you’re moving toward can help make it easier to release the past. Sometimes the energy that comes from releasing and letting go can open the doors to what’s next. Sometimes we have to be willing to move forward and step into uncertainty because we don’t know how it’s going to turn out (truth bomb, you will never know how it’s going to turn out until it does… and it will never turn out at all if you don’t take a chance).

As you find yourself facing these tough decisions, know that the dream may not take the form you had imagined (I went through this when we bought our current home – we had to let go of several along the way to land in one that wasn’t at all what I imagined it would be, and yet it’s perfect for what we wanted. You can read a bit about this idea in Softening Your Gaze on a Dream.)

Invitations come that seem like they are leading us down a particular path, when in reality they may only be there to open us up to something within us or to help us clarify a definite “no.” Just because you get invited to something does not mean it’s a sign from the Universe. The Universe will put many things in your path – you still get to choose whether to pick them up, move around them, or avoid them completely.

Also, please remember, very few decisions are forever. We can keep ourselves stuck thinking “this is the only shot I’ll get at this” or “I have to get this right because this is the last job, relationship, pet, car…” I will ever have. Relax...

Allow yourself permission to play with the next move that feels right in this moment. Might you lose some money or time on a decision if you change your mind later? Sure… but is that the end of the world? I have walked away from years of education and training, thousands of dollars invested in a path that isn’t right for me anymore. I have walked away from jobs I have put years of dedication into. I have left friendships that are no longer supportive. I have supported many others to do the same – to set themselves free in service of their soul. We grow. We evolve. We become the next iteration of ourselves. Every experience, every bit of life along the way has served in some way. Nothing is a waste. It’s all led to this moment in time which is leading to the next.

What choices are you facing that you’re having a hard time making? What opportunities are waiting?

Give yourself permission to play. To try, experiment, give it a chance if it’s calling you now. Give yourself permission to change your mind down the road if that’s what’s right then. None of us can see into the future. We can only do the best we can with what we have right here and now.

The “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast (with Glennon Doyle who got me started on this whole exploration of disappointing ourselves or others) just had a great episode on Quitting! Check it out. Fascinating the narratives we run about this word that can be used positively (as in quit smoking) or negatively (as in “You’re a quitter!”)! What stories do you tell yourself about quitting? Who would you be if you did?

Get curious about how gentle or harsh you are being with yourself as you consider these choices that keep you up at night and choose the gentler path. You deserve your own compassion as you navigate these uncharted waters.

What helps you to make a tough decision?

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Disappointing People

8/4/2021

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One thing I love about Glennon Doyle is that she is NOT afraid to address hard things or put radical ideas out there that take our breath away! One that has stayed with me since reading Untamed is this: In a conversation with her middle-school aged daughter, Tish, when Tish was worrying about not choosing to join a club that her brother wanted her to, Glennon sagely advised, “Then don’t.” “But I don’t want to disappoint him.” What followed brings me to tears every time I really take it in. Here’s Glennon to Tish:
“Listen. Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself…Especially me.”

Whew! Woah! Let me catch my breath and let’s look at that. I certainly didn’t have a mother who encouraged me to disappoint anyone, especially her (not that she was openly disappointed with me often, but this was not the rule of the game of life).

I do not read this as a directive to set out to hurt others or to intentionally see how many people you can disappoint. But I do see it as an opportunity to not abandon, sacrifice, or disappoint yourself, which I think we do way too frequently without giving it a second thought. This is an invitation to possibly get really uncomfortable as you find a new way to be in the world.

How often do you set your needs or desires aside because of what someone else needs or wants? How often do you think nothing of disappointing yourself? Honestly...

Last week I wrote about being true to yourself as part of my definition for self-care in A Fresh Take on Self-Care. Being true to ourselves, honoring ourselves, is at the heart of true and deep self-care. It is also key to being in integrity.

And, listen, sometimes when we are true to ourselves, when we make a decision that honors our sweet heart, body, or soul, someone we care about very much might be disappointed. When we say “no” to an invitation or opportunity. When we refuse a request because we just don’t have it in us or it doesn’t feel right at this moment. When we say “yes” to something that conflicts with another’s desire, we will disappoint someone else.

Life is full of choices. Every “yes” is a “no” to something else, and so there are lots of opportunities for disappointing someone!

When you make a choice to leave a job, end a relationship, sell the family home, move far away from all your people, say “no” to helping, etc… someone will likely be sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed.

What happens inside you when you consider disappointing someone you really care about? How does that feel in your body?
What is the story you tell yourself about who you would be if you disappointed another person?

I don’t know about you, but I get a little queasy. I may have a story that this isn’t what a “nice person” or a “good mother/daughter/sister/friend” does. I might try to dance around making that decision. I will surely delay as long as possible. I will consider heavily just giving in or settling for what they want, because it feels easier. It feels familiar. It’s what I’ve done for decades. Far easier to disappoint me – then I only have to deal with myself!

I wish I had had a parent who gave me permission or even implored me to disappoint others in order to avoid hurting my own heart or spirit. I wish I had been that mother for my kids… I wasn’t, but I’m getting there. I feel the strength and freedom in the incredible gift Glennon gave her daughter in this moment. One small conversation with a middle school girl gave her permission to follow her own path, to trust her heart, to honor her joy. Whewie! Let’s have more of that please!

I haven’t yet explicitly shared it with my young adult kids, but I hope to. I want to set them free of needing to be or do anything for me (or anyone) that goes against their spirit.

Your turn to reflect…

~ What is the cost of disappointing yourself to avoid disappointing others?
~ How do you get clear about making a decision that is FOR you even if it seems to be against someone else? What if there’s more to it (because there always is)?
~ How can you take a stand for yourself, have your own back and communicate your message in a way that is clean, clear, and straightforward?
~ What helps you to make these choices, even when they are painfully hard?
~ When have you had to do this and how has it worked out for you? What are the upsides of disappointing others to avoid disappointing yourself?
~ How might you play with this idea? Who might you share it with? Who might you free?

Please share. Please share your reflections and thoughts about this whole idea… it’s a dicey one! And one that feels like a really important game-changer in this thing called life.

Stay tuned for next week’s post with more thoughts about making these tough decisions!

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Practice...In Real Life

7/1/2021

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If life has taught me anything, these are a few of the key lessons that apply across the board:

Things don’t always go as planned
My “control” is very limited, and mostly a delusion
Worrying never helps, but that doesn’t stop it from rushing in anyway
Where I place my attention and what I choose to focus on profoundly changes my experience of life.

As I write, I am in Austin where I’ve recently finished a powerful and profound writing and meditation retreat led by Susan Piver. Being in Susan’s home with 11 other writers opened me and my heart to the depth of what the next book wants to be. It was the perfect container and helped me to connect the way my meditation practice has supported me and carried me through some of the hardest times of my life. It is what has opened my heart and softened me in a way that allows me to bring love and compassion to people and experiences in a way that I don’t think I would have been able to otherwise.

In 4 days of sharing space, meditating together, and writing in communal silence, my heart blossomed, my tears came. and I felt the complexity of writing about our journey through addiction. I have stayed with it. I love our particular meditation practice because it is all about being awake in our lives, being able to be with life as it is and not needing to retreat within or push anything away. It takes courage to face life head-on, especially when what’s here is painful and uncertain.

Transitioning from retreat back into “ordinary life,” watching retreat dissolve, as Susan so beautifully described it, and returning to my regular pace and ways has been gradual and is right now still incomplete. I’ve been fortunate to be able to blend my retreat time with family time – to visit with my sister and her family who I haven’t seen in a couple of years (because… COVID…). It’s been a beautiful blend of together time and solo down time, time to meditate and write… time to sit in their heavenly backyard and drink in the sights and sounds of nature.

I have been reminded this week of the power of pure and simple moments. Our meditation practice is so pure in its simplicity… simply sitting with our eyes open, feeling the breath and allowing everything to be here, nothing to push away – sights, sounds, thoughts will all come and go, and when we get distracted to the point of having lost connection with our breath, we simply return and begin again. I’ve watched emotions rise and fall away, tears well up and wash down my face as insights and openings come through. I’ve had moments of distracted random thoughts – some inspired and others perfectly mundane. I’ve followed thoughts that led to pages and pages of handwriting into my next book, and I have witnessed the pauses when I touched on a tough concept or memory.

In the simplicity something that is beyond words happens. I felt the power of retreat – simply being together in a shared space where we are all in this together creates a palpable and magical force (I say “magical” because I’m never entirely sure what happens, but I feel it every time). While I can meditate and write on my own, and do on an almost daily basis, coming together to do these things amplifies it all in a lovely way. Having this community, a set schedule, and shared practice create the container where the magic comes to life as we each get in touch with our own inner wisdom, guidance, insight and as we share our moments of challenge and stuckness as well as our inspired moments of flow.

Pure and simple moments also included time with my precious little 3 year old great niece showing me her room, cuddling up and saying, “I love our whole family;” playing with my 6 year-old great nephew and his imaginary dog friend, Leo, who has a different attitude every day (thankfully it was a happy attitude the day he jumped on my head!) and watching his eyes light up with delight as he wove ever more intricate details of Leo/Liam’s adventures! Sharing lunch with my nieces, talking with their husbands, and introducing my sister and brother-in-law to the artistry and charm of Brandi Carlile, the twins, and Josh in their livestreaming campfire concert. A sweet hug and deep conversation with an old friend; sharing a walk to the local coffee shop to retrieve our mid-day drinks with our retreat group. Fun “girlfriend time” with my sister. Taking in the serene beauty of the deer, hummingbirds, and the nightly serenade of crickets and frogs. It’s been a week of precious, simple moments and memories – too many to recount.

And, the plan was, that yesterday, I would make another big transition – get on a plane and fly back across the country to reunite with my husband. Amazing how air travel lets us travel thousands of miles in a matter of hours.

Except… when it doesn’t quite work out. Yesterday was one of those days. My flight was at 3:50 and at 11:19 I received a text from Southwest simply stating, “SWA Flight #5269 from AUS is cancelled. Go to Southwest.com to rebook…” What!? I was shocked and confused – it’s not blizzard season! What the heck!? I tearfully called my husband as the first step in the process to give him a heads-up before I logged on to begin to figure things out.

As I looked at flight schedules, it became clear that there were no more flights that day, no seats available today, and it would be two full days before I could claim a seat to get back home. Okay, then… Time to reschedule my PT, haircut, and acupuncture and connect with my client… But first, I’m making that dinner reservation! Dammit, if I’m going to be here, we are going to eat well! We hadn’t felt like going out the night before, so let’s make the most of this!

Talking with my family, I shared a little worry that Friday’s flight might also be cancelled… it’s a holiday weekend, so it could be extra tricky (today’s report of 2+ hour lines to check bags today and 2.2 million travelers planning to fly out of Austin this weekend – the highest in 21 years confirmed that it’s going to be more than tricky!). Yikes! My niece wisely and calmly looked my way and asked, “What are you going to do with that worry?” Great question! I considered it for a moment and said, “Well, right now, I’m going to feel it… and let it be here and move through me” (or something like that – it felt true and she liked my answer! Bonus!).

I was shaken and simultaneously aware that I am very lucky to be in a beautiful home with people who love me enough to let me stay on and that this is a very first world problem… AND that I still get to be shaken, saddened, and worried. Talking with my son and husband helped me to begin to process and adjust to the idea that the freshly stripped bed needed to be re-made, the perfectly packed suitcases (really, I was way more organized than usual) had to be reopened, and I had to/got to settle back in for a couple of bonus days with my family. My practice allowed me to do all of that relatively automatically.

Cultivating a heart that can hold it all… this is what it’s about. Disappointment mixed with the delight of fresh opportunity, sadness mixed with joy and enjoyment, a little concern of being a burden, and acceptance that this is what’s here for me today. I’m consciously trying to stay in the moment and to be here now even as I notice my thoughts flit ahead to tomorrow… what time should I realistically get to the airport? What happens if I check my bags and then they cancel my flight? Will I get home in time to be at my friend’s son’s celebration of life? Will I get to see my son on Sunday? Or will I be in Austin and get treated to the local incredible 4th of July fireworks that they say they can see right out the backyard from the heavenly patio that has offered such beauty and peace this week?

We shall see… For now, in this moment, I am grateful for the extra time, for being in a safe and comfortable place with people I love who can and will share it with me, for a delicious leftover lunch and plans for an uplifting movie date with my sister, and for my awareness that where I place my attention makes a world of difference in my experience of life. I choose to find the good within this change of plan rather than continuing to be upset or to worry.

Fingers crossed for a smooth airport check-in and ease-ful on-time cross-country travel at the same time I let go of control I don’t have anyway. If you’d hold that vision with me, I’d appreciate it, and I’ll take it one moment at a time. It’s really all any of us can do. This moment is pretty sweet.

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What are Your Defining Moments?

4/6/2021

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Preparing for a recent podcast conversation with Sandra Sabene, I pondered a question she offered up. What have been the defining moments of my life? Those pivotal moments of impact, the ones we might label “bad” and “awesome.”

For me, these moments have been heart and soul moments – not mind, logic, or typical measures of success moments.

They have been the following my heart and listening to the call of my soul moments that have stirred something inside, shaking me awake, nudging me forward, calling me to show up… even when it’s been hard or I haven’t wanted to. These are the moments that have made me more alive, more me…

These moments let me step fully into the life I have been given, even when I really didn’t like how things were going. The times I did not get stuck in a puddle of victimhood forever, but rose up, stepped forward. These are the times I’ve been able to create something from the pain, work toward initiating change, being part of something new.

Consistently they are moments that that energize and activate me – the moments that say, “We’re off on the next great adventure,” or “Oh boy…here we go, whether I like it or not…”

For me they have often come after major hurdles in life that have threatened to stop me, break me, or bring me to my knees. Sometimes these moments came through death or devastation.

At times they have been excruciatingly painful – they have stopped me and torn me apart, throwing me off a path I desperately wanted to be on. Until (with a lot of loving help and support) I was able to start crawling forward.

Sometimes they came through inspiration and excitement (often a powerful combination of terror and excitement). The words that come pouring through from some unknown place. The art that calls to be created. The move that says, “It’s time!”

Reflecting on several decades of life helped me to realize that there is not ONE defining moment in our lives, but rather a wide collection of them that have brought us to this day.

Defining moments are the “right” steps and the seeming “mis-steps” along the way on the path called YOU. They are the significant yeses and the critical no’s of rejecting what “makes sense,” walking away from what does not fit, and sometimes turning away from the thing you thought you were supposed to be or do.

They are the waking up and coming alive moments. The moments of daring, courage, hearts breaking open. The times you listen to the nudges that get you to the next right place, that bring in the right people at the right time. These are often times you can’t explain or justify (and likely you don’t care to!).

The times you break through the fear and do what you know you have to do, be it “good” or “bad,” easy or tremendously challenging.

More often than not, we don’t know these are defining moments until years later when we look back and see where they’ve led, what they’ve given birth to. At that moment when we stepped into the dark abyss we could never have imagined where it was taking us.

These are the moments when you learn something new about who you are and what you can handle – the times you learn a little bit more about what you stand for. What you will and won’t tolerate. What you absolutely must take action on. The times you make the hard calls or take the bold risks and do the thing even though you’re shaking in your boots.

They are the moments of grace that allow things to unfold as they are meant to on a universal scale, not in the man-made version of life. Only time will reveal the outcome for many of these moments. All we can do is show up for what’s here now – right in this moment. We may not have any idea how it will go.

These are the moments that make the butterflies swarm in your belly, your heart pound through your chest, your whole being get a little dizzy wondering, “Am I really doing this?”

The ability of the heart to find its way back to a friendship that seemed to be lost, to show up for a loved one who is lost in the darkness, the trusting that somehow, we will be all right, no matter what happens… moving into and through fear, into joy and allowing ourselves to feel it all.

These are the defining moments of a life, and I truly am grateful for my wide collection of them.

The Way It Is
By William Stafford

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.

Through these moments are woven threads that come from the heart and soul, the essence of who you truly are.

What are your defining moments? Take a moment to soak into them and feel how they feel in your body? I’ve recorded this meditation to guide you through this process if you like.

And if you’d like to hear the conversation that was lit from the spark of this exploration, you can catch it here at Arts & Healing with Sandra.

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Human Happens... It's OK!

1/26/2021

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Grumpy cat (weird for "Human Happens" I admit but this face... oh my!)

Remember that great book, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?” I think he did have a string of rotten things happen to him that had him dreaming of running away to Australia… or maybe he just had a rotten day. It happens.

I found myself in a rotten foul mood for no good reason at all (but we think we need a reason, don’t we!?) In fact, there were lots of reasons on that particular day that I “should” have been happy! The sun was shining, I had nothing but a great day planned, my arm was pain-free for the first time in a long time, on and on and on… And the fact that I “should” have been happy only made it worse that I really wanted to jump out of my own skin! (that never goes well, by the way!)

My mind wanted to make sense of it (as minds do)… if I could understand it, then my brain could categorize it, and tuck it away neatly in a file as that reason for bad moods… My self-care teacher self knew all of the things I COULD do to try to shift it, but I wanted nothing to do with any of them. In fact, these are the times when I want to throw my own book across the room and I tell my own teachings to “F%$K off!” My Buddhist teachings kicked in to remind me to just be with it. That really didn’t feel great, but in the end, that’s the path I took.

Being human is messy. Life is messy. Bad moods will come. Good moods will come. Inspiration will rise up and at other times, like the other day, we will find ourselves flailing and floundering in the dark... feeling we have nothing to offer the world. In those dark pit of ick moments it’s hard to see the way out and the last thing we want to hear is “This too shall pass…” Will it!? I’m sure it will, but right now, this is where I am – let me be!

Even today as I reflected on it in my journaling, I noted that I am feeling “more like myself” with some small sense of relief. Then I noticed the implied judgement in that… as if “myself” is the one who is uplifting and inspired and feeling good… as if the me who is down, depressed, pissy, and just irritable for no good reason is not really me.

Whew! This being human is not for the faint of heart, especially if, like me, you love exploring this inner landscape which can get oh so messy and confusing at times!

But what’s really important is for each of us to remember that human happens. Human isn’t always pretty, it isn’t always what we prefer, it includes all the feelings and all the thoughts and worries, and it can swoop in unexpected and uninvited. When it does, what we do with it matters. How we treat ourselves in these moments matters.

There is a movement out there that supports the idea that we should feel good all the time and that the goal is to get to that feel good state at all costs and as soon as possible. This, my friends, is spiritual BS, spiritual bypassing. Even if we buy into the idea that peace is our natural inherent state and that love is what we’re made of, we are still going to have terrible, rotten, no good days for no obvious reason. And it is OK!!

Self-care doesn’t mean do all the things so you can feel better as soon as possible. Self-care means sit with yourself, as you are in your current state of exhaustion, confusion, anger, sadness, or ugliness… that’s it. Just be with yourself there and give yourself tender loving care and acceptance. OK, this is how it’s gonna be right now. I don’t like it, but I’m willing to sit with this discomfort. You’re not doing life wrong. You’re not doing anything wrong. You are simply being your very real, very vulnerable, very tender, open-hearted self. Cause, damn it, the more open our hearts are, the more we will feel! (I offer you this meditation – Befriending Yourself – to help you sit with yourself lovingly).

Now, might my bad mood be a natural after-effect from the happenings in the world, the relief and coming down after Wednesday’s inauguration and the end of an intensive 5-day training? Might I have just simply hit a wall of exhaustion after 11 months of COVID? Sure, maybe… And, who cares? What I want to do is to normalize bad days. To give each of us permission to just have a bad day… without apology, without explanation, without worry, without shame. And, actually, to even expect them. They are part of riding the waves… it’s unsustainable to stay in the crest all the time. The dip, the fall, the drop will inevitably come, until the next swell.

To think that we are “less than” on these days, that we should somehow apologize for ourselves, hide away, and pretend to be ok when we are not is the very opposite of loving self-care. To put up a false front is to chop off a very real part of ourselves and that’s just cruel…

Human happens. You’re human. I’m human. It’s OK. Some days are just like this. This too shall pass… (cue the throwing of the book or tomatoes, or whatever! 😊)

And, here's the secret and the truth... the more we are able to sit with these times of discomfort, to wait them out in all of their ickiness, the less we stay stuck in them. We are better able to move through when we lean into what's here than when we try to stuff our feelings down, hide them away, or banish them from the building.

Thoughts?

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Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

12/21/2020

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Today marks the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. On this darkest day of the year, the pivotal moment between dark and light, it is the perfect time to honor the darkness that has come into our lives through addiction. It is a time to honor those who have been lost to the disease, to remember them with love. It is a time to honor the struggle and the perseverance of those who are on the journey of recovery, and to honor ourselves and other loved ones who have also found a way through the darkness.

In honoring the darkness and in grieving the losses we have endured, we bring those moments into the light. When we bring them into the light, they are no longer hiding in the shadows, lurking in shame, or hidden in silence. We claim and name our experience. We see it for what it has been. We presence it.

When we do this, we are able to step forward into the light. Just as the days begin to get longer with a bit more light from tomorrow on, we too can begin to bring more light into our homes and our beings.

Addiction is a painful disease, as you undoubtedly know. It affects everyone in its wake and can take down entire families with the weight of its suffering.

However (and this is a big however), the journey from darkness to light does not have to take us out forever. It is possible to find hope, joy, peace, love, and to create a brighter tomorrow, even when we have been impacted by addiction.

If you are reading this, you are alive, and for that fact alone there is reason to celebrate. You have been given the opportunity to live one more day. What will you do with this one precious life you have been given? How will you set your soul free to express itself? What is uniquely yours to do?

Is there some way to honor your journey up to this very moment--the good, the bad, and the ugly, the full messiness of it all? The painful, the joyous, the fearfulness, and the hope? Whatever it’s looked like in the past, today marks a new day, albeit a short one. Tomorrow offers the light of fresh possibility, as each day does. How do you want to step into tomorrow?

If we are able to find a way to turn our pain (or darkness) into possibility (or light), we can transform these heavy experiences into something that serve and support us and others. We can show up for life more fully. We can become who we were born to be.

Let’s face it, 2020 has carried a full load of darkness, collectively, along with anything that you might have experienced personally.

For many the holidays are emotionally-charged times and may bring in a healthy mix of emotions… sadness, joy, celebration, loneliness. I know I will be feeling both sadness for those who are not with us during this holiday season as well as joy and gratitude for those who are.

There is room for it all. When we allow ourselves to feel it all, to allow our hearts to carry this messy mix of what makes us human, we are able to move through it.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brene Brown

So, let this pivotal day be a day that marks the honoring of both the dark and the light. Let us take a step back and look at the big picture of our lives and recognize that our experiences have not been all good or all bad, but rather a mix of both.

Addiction can entomb us with its heavy cloak of darkness if we let it, but we can choose to lift up the corner of that cloak and peek outside. We can lay down the heaviness and step into the light. We get to choose.

We may well prefer the moments of lightness, light-heartedness, and light in general, but there is also a gift to receive during the dark and challenging times. We must be willing to sit with this part of our reality if we are to truly enjoy the light.

I have found that it is in the dark where I have grown the most. I wonder if that might be true for you as well. I offer you this poem for consideration.

The Places We Grow
It’s in the dark,
in the shadows,
where we stretch and grow.

We face ourselves
and see a new or forgotten aspect,
a piece we’d rather ignore or deny.

But there it is…
staring us down,
daring us to change,
to find a new way,
or to simply come into acceptance.

Sometimes it’s about overcoming
or adjusting.
Finding a way to do this with
love, compassion,
and gentle communion.

Honoring the self…
who I am,
where I am,
what I need,
what my baggage is.

And stepping into a deeper layer,
excavating and shifting,
allowing new light in,
and new hope out.

These are the places we grow –
often watered
and nourished with tears.
© Barb Klein, 2016, “The Places We Grow,” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

Where and how can you nourish yourself today? How might you allow some new light in--to your being, to your life? How can you allow a little more hope to shine into the world?

Begin by greeting yourself exactly where you are--gently, with tenderness, care, and compassion. Offer yourself the space and grace to feel into what’s alive within your heart at this moment. Ask your heart what it needs at this moment to be truly nurtured and nourished. Then respond accordingly. You deserve your own loving care.

We are on the cusp of a new year and we can only hope that 2021 is bringing with it new possibility, hope, and fresh beginnings. Today let’s pause. Let’s look at our lives and our loved ones with reverence. Let’s honor this journey where we have walked, crawled, and stumbled while we look ahead to the light of new creativity. Let’s let this darkest day of the year—December 21-- be a personal pivotal moment for us to enter an illuminated future.

* Originally published in MomPower. org

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Lessons Learned from My Mom...

11/1/2020

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This time of year marks the anniversary of my mom’s passing. It’s been 17 years now, and I have been reflecting on the life and love I was blessed to share with her while she was here. I thought it would break me to lose her, and it didn’t. I still feel her with me, even now. She lives on in my heart.

My mother was a beautiful blend of sweetness, gentleness, kindness, shyness, humility, feigned incompetence, and fierce fiery grit. This woman would helplessly ask me to change her clock time or her lightbulb, but she faced cancer like a warrior woman!

Here are just a few of the lessons I learned from my dear mother:

Do not collapse when you think you can’t go on – You are stronger than you think!
When my dad left her for another woman after 32 years in an era when a woman’s only job was to devote her entire life and being to her family, she did not collapse. Facing unwanted independence in her early 50’s, she showed up for herself. She hadn’t worked since her 20’s, but she launched herself into temp work that ultimately led her to a position in our local library that she held onto into her early 70’s because she loved it so much.

Kindness is the way to go. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
When a waitress was particularly gruff, rather than getting upset about how badly we were being treated, Mom brought in gentleness, understanding and compassion… offering “Maybe she just broke up with her boyfriend…”

Don’t bear a grudge – forgive and bring loving compassion to people and situations, even when it doesn’t seem reasonable
After my parents’ divorce, she never spoke unkindly about my dad and encouraged us to be involved with him. She found a way to forgive, I guess. I don’t think she had a bitter bone in her body, but rather gave people grace, compassion, and loving kindness.

Flow with what life brings your way
I always knew I would lose my mother too early in my life – she was 44 when she had me, after all. I was undoubtedly an accident (ultimately a happy one, I believe) after my parents adopted my oldest brother when it seemed they couldn’t have kids, and subsequently gave birth to 4 more. It had been 10 years since a baby had been in the home and my sister was deathly ill. I don’t know how my mom did it, but somehow, she created a loving home for one more. She opened her arms to a baby, tended to her daughter in the hospital, cared for the others, and pulled it all together – finding a way to clean the house, cook the meals, bake the cookies, and love on us as if we were all that mattered. She was the epitome of a good mother!

Be free!! Enjoy this life.
When I was 12, my dad left us, having found a woman who he thought better matched his intellectual and adventurous tendencies. While devastating in some ways, this also deepened the richness of my life with my mom and our opportunities to live our own adventurous life! I was the only one at home, so we bonded together and began to travel the world – we ate out more often, we laughed more often, we found things we enjoyed doing together, and we became best friends. We made it through, and we made it through in style, choosing to live rather than crumple into a defeated puddle. St. Croix, Disney, Texas, Arizona, and cruises called to us, and we said “Yes!” Summers were spent at our cottage in the Finger Lakes, playing cards, savoring root beer floats, entertaining friends and family, and basking in the beauty and peace of this place that mom had bought with her own money.

Don’t be fooled by the soft veneer – underneath a mighty giant lies in wait to awaken when she is called
When Mom was 72, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent treatment involving surgery, radiation, and medication. Grateful to live nearby I was able to support this modest woman with wound care, meals, home care, and rides. She went on to beat this cancer and found remission. She lived life and enjoyed her family, friends, work, music, theater, and travel. Cancer was not going to stop her.

Persevere in the face of adversity
6 years later, a new cancer came, likely a result of the medication she had taken for the breast cancer. She stayed with us post-surgery and my family and I were able to support her through recovery, and the ongoing chemo. She loved her medical team and even seemed to look forward to her chemo days. She did all that she could to beat this disease so that she could continue to thrive.

When the choice is life, choose it!
For nearly three decades she had shown me what it could be like to live life fully, and she wasn’t about to stop now. She made the decision to leave the home she had lived in for about 20 years to move into a senior living facility in order to have community and support. Moving is always a big transition, but she handled it with grace and ease. She enjoyed meeting new people and sharing activities and meals with them.

When it’s time to go, go in your own way.
On the day before her death, my sister and I (having no idea that the end was so near) visited with her, cleaned her apartment, ironed her clothes and got things in order. I think this mattered a lot in the sense that things were “tidied up.” She had hurt herself in a fall over a week before and was in a good deal of pain, food no longer tasted good and that was a big loss for my mom – she loved to enjoy her food!

I don’t even know why, but I asked her if she sometimes wished she could just die, and she acknowledged that yes, she did. I suspect there was an unspoken permission to go in that conversation. She told the nurse that night that she wished she could just close her eyes and drift away… this seems to be exactly what she did. They found her the next morning, “unconscious and unresponsive.”

And, though it wasn’t the end I envisioned, because I strongly wanted to be with her by her side as she passed, I realize she would never have wanted that. She loved us but would not have wanted to distress us with her final breaths. I find comfort in witnessing how much choice she seemed to have in the timing of her departure – before the cancer that was invading her belly took over and things got really miserable. She went at the exact age she had always told me “seemed like a good age to die.” She had lived a full, rich, and loving life, and she was ready to be done.

Love transcends time and space.
I still feel her here with me, breathing through me, inside of me, emanating out, supporting me as I move through my life. I know she walks with me, loves me, and looks over us all. I can lean into her soft and gentle embrace (I can still feel how gloriously smooth, warm, and soft her skin was). I can remember her tender look and feel. I am softened by her sweetness. I thought it would kill me to lose her. It hasn’t. It has added to my will to live, and I will be forever grateful for that!

I love you and miss you every day, Mama Bear!! Thank you for being my mother and my best friend!

p.s. a few more lessons that might have supported me and might serve you well:
Baking soothes the soul (as do the smell and taste of fresh-baked bread, cookies, and cake!)!!
There’s always time and room for “a little something” (her version of a shared sweet treat)
Live well, laugh often, love deeply!
Wishing you a little something sweet this week!!

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Happy Birthday, Ethel!

5/25/2020

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It’s Memorial Day. And, it’s also my mother-in-law’s birthday. She would have been 95, and our missing her is strong, as she’s only been gone for a couple of months. This morning I reflected on the life she lived and the tenacity, persistence, strength, and heart it must have taken for her to live it.

Her husband died in 1965, leaving her with 4 boys to raise (from my husband who wasn’t yet even a year old to his oldest brothers who were both already in college). She had to learn to find an inner strength in the midst of what I imagine was tremendous grief. She had to learn to ask for help, which I imagine did not come easily to this fiercely independent woman. What she didn’t need to do was to find another man to complete her. She knew she was complete as she was, and nobody was going to tell her how to parent!

Ethel, I love you, and I honor you, and I am so very grateful for all that you did for us and for our boys. They love you with all their hearts and will never forget the special relationship you had. Thank you for being an integral part of our lives. Thank you for giving birth to Tom and raising him to be such an amazing man, husband, and father. Ethel, you done good! Are you kidding me!? You done great!! You are a hero.

On this day, which happens to also be Memorial Day, as we honor the heroes of this land, I include you. Against all odds, you raised 4 boys to be independent, strong, wise, loving, caring men who each was able to walk his own path, find his own way, and become who he was born to be.
But, that wasn’t enough for you, dear lady. Your heart was so big that you helped the lost ones in school – the kids who no one else was able to help or support; the kids that others thought were a problem. You showed up for them, loved them, and found a way to teach them. What’s more is they delighted you with their mischievous ways!!

That wasn’t enough. Your mission in this life was to help kids, and you wanted to do even more! So, at the youthful age of 60 you decided to become a foster mother. Wow! I know you saved some lives and families with your commitment to loving and supporting them through some tough, tough times. Thank you. I honor you.

Thank you for your service. Thank you for showing your boys what a strong, independent woman does! You amaze me, and thank you for unleashing my heart and soul to flourish. Witnessing you and learning from you has helped me to claim my strength and to find my way. You broke the mold you were told to live in, and have helped me to do the same!

Thank you for bringing your fierceness in alongside my mom’s softness and quiet strength. You have both shown me what it’s like to rise above the adversity of unexpected and deep loss and to find your way in uncharted territory, carving out your own way, living a life that was full and rich and fulfilling. Each one of you being you. In your way.

Yes, the men of our families went to war, and today they will be remembered and honored, and today I also remember and honor the women who carried on at home. The women who somehow tended to themselves and their families until they could break free to be who they were born to be. The women who climbed Bald Mountain in their 70’s!! Today I honor you women who showed me how to live and love deeply and fiercely. Women who showed me that you don’t curl up and die when the going gets tough, but you somehow find a way to keep on going and find the things that bring you joy!

Happy birthday, Ethel! I hope you and Betty have found one another and are having a great picnic party today!!