Inspired Possibility Blog

Supposed To's

6/23/2022

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

There are SO MANY supposed to’s out there… each of us carries an extensive catalog of them in our minds.

Big days hold so many expectations. So much pressure. Of how things are “supposed to” be or about things you’re “supposed to” do. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. And also, weekends, evenings, vacations, mornings. So many ideas of what should happen, what we should be doing, how we should be behaving - many of them not even conscious, but driving the show anyway. These ideas weigh on us, drive us, lead us to judge ourselves and each other. Have we lived up to the expectations or have we fallen short? Have we nailed it or been a whopping disappointment?

This week has been filled with big days in my world – our anniversary, Father’s Day, my son’s birthday. I’ve had to work to be aware of my “supposed to’s” so that I could let go of them and allow whatever was or whatever we wanted to create to be ok, to be enough.

It has taken conscious effort to accept the reality of some situations. No, I will not get to celebrate my birthday with my son in person this year. My heart aches over that, but it’s just the way it is right now. So, what can I do instead? How can I find a way to celebrate him, me, us, this life, and the years we’ve shared and all that they’ve carried? What will work for me/for us in this reality?

I’ve had to work to choose to give us permission to spend our anniversary and Father’s Day the way we wanted to. It’s ok to share a nice lunch instead of a big fancy dinner. It’s ok to eat in and create a picnic that fits what I want to eat. It’s ok to choose not to do gifts, because we just don’t need anything more. It’s ok to make space to enjoy the day the way WE want – to decide together what works for us, moment by moment. It takes awareness and presence to grant ourselves full permission to do this.

I have had such high hopes for so many special days over the many years of my life. Too often I’ve found myself disappointed or let down when things didn’t measure up. So, is this settling now? No! This is simply letting go of all the conditioning that bears down on me about how anything is “supposed to” be!

These supposed to’s extend beyond these special life moments – they seep into our roles (“good” mother, friend, sister, boss, student). They permeate our ideas of what life is supposed to look like, how our plans are supposed to go, what this life’s trajectory should be like, how recovery should go, what a house is supposed to look like… on and on and on.

Often they lead to disappointment or a sense of failure because they carry the idea that there is ONE way or a RIGHT way to do anything. They close the door on what might be true or right for you in this moment. They limit us.

Slogans, mantras, and pithy sayings can keep us locked in rules given to us or rules we’ve taken on. Often, we don’t stop to examine them. We don’t bother to consider, “Is this still true for me? Does this work with where I am in my current life? Does it fit my present-day thinking? Does it make sense to me?”

Spiritual supposed to’s can keep us spinning with ideas like “I know I should focus on my blessings or on what I’m grateful for. I know I need to just let go and let God. I know I need to accept what is… to surrender. To trust. To have faith in a greater plan. God wouldn’t give me more than what I can handle. Everything happens for a reason. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger…” and on and on these ideas go. Sometimes these help get us through, but sometimes they are a spiritual bypass asking us to jump over a harsh reality. Sometimes we just need to be real. We need to sit in the messiness of human which may not want to hear these things in this moment. Sometimes we need to take a step back and examine these ideas – are they really serving and supporting me in this moment or are they just making me feel worse about what I now judge to be my less-than-ideal behavior?

How to deal with supposed to’s:

Know what yours are. Begin to notice them when they crop up – often as a sneaky force running below the surface of consciousness but very much influencing your experience of life.
Examine them. Get curious. Consider where they came from. Is this an idea someone else imposed upon you that you continue to carry? Is this one helpful or is it limiting your ability to consider other possibilities?
Wonder about them – what do these supposed to’s tell us? They may carry a longing or desire that genuinely comes from the heart. They may reflect a sadness or grief (“it wasn’t supposed to be this way”) that deserves to be acknowledged and honored. They may invite you to sit with what’s been lost.
Decide which ones you will keep and honor when you can and which ones you might be ready to let go of or reframe.
Open yourself to possibility thinking.

Supposed to’s carry a sense of solidity, inflexibility, and certainty (which can be part of their appeal, I suppose). They are constricting, limiting, and often based on the past or past conditioning or other people’s ideas. They shut us down and close us off – keep us looking at the world through blinders. They stop us from questioning, evolving our thinking and being.

On the other hand, possibility thinking comes when we open our hearts and minds to consider what else might be ok. When we face the reality that is here, we can choose consciously how we want to live and be. We can open up and flow in a way that aligns with who we are in this moment – we can breathe in, feel into, lean into what fills us up with delight, satisfaction, or contentment. We can decide what is enough and to go back to last week’s piece on Boundaries, we get to choose what is ok and what isn’t, what we will do and what we won’t do.

When we open up to give ourselves permission to change and grow, we may release some long-held ideas of how things are supposed to go or what life is supposed to look like. We may discover new thinking or consider fresh ideas. We are more willing to consider someone else’s perspective.

When we can open our hearts, listen to the wisdom and knowing our own bodies and hearts, we can begin to live in a way that better suits us. We can find our own way – our own truth – to perhaps model, create, or teach a new possibility for others to consider.

So many supposed to’s… and I haven’t even touched on the health and wellness ones, the how people are expected to behave in any given setting…

What supposed to’s get to you? Are there any you’re ready to let go of, reclaim, or redefine?

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Recovery is Possible

6/5/2022

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By guest blogger, Cathy Taughinbaugh, Certified Parent and Life Coach

When my daughter emerged from recovery, I felt the relief of being able to let go of the stress and fear I had been feeling. The changes she'd made in her life lifted a weight off my shoulders.

I realized that I was now looking at a person who could overcome challenges, learn from life lessons, and have the discipline to stay on track. I felt a shift and the changes in her, yet there was the whisper of fear. As time went on, I found I could put those fears away and embrace the new possibilities of life.

Good News!

While you may have heard that addiction is a hopeless condition, the good news is that most people do find their way to recovery from substance use and overcome other problems getting in the way of living a healthy life.

Recovery for many means letting go of the devastating misuse of alcohol or other drugs that have derailed their lives.

When a loved one emerges from a substance use problem, families have many options. For example, some live with parents or other family members. Others live in a recovery house or transitional living. I have seen people change their lives and thrive against all odds. Many different paths can lead to living a healthier life. We need to embrace them all and support what works for our loved ones.

According to John Kelly, PhD, "In 2016, my colleagues and I surveyed another nationally representative sample. We discovered that the national prevalence of those in recovery is approximately 9.1 percent or 22.35 million U.S. adults. Nearly one in 10 persons in the U.S. has recovered or is recovering from a substance use disorder.”

Kelly goes on to say,” The statistics are tremendously encouraging about recovery. Still, it's important to recognize that the recovery change process is complicated. The journey to remission can be bumpy, and it can take a long time."

Yet, people's lives get better after working through a substance use problem. People in recovery from addiction will tell you that. Most who do recover go on to get a job, go back to school or give back to their community by volunteering. The more years a person has in recovery, the more their life improves.

Any positive change can bring excitement, coupled with the pride around the hard work that it took your loved one to make the change.

Change can be challenging. The temptation to fall back into old ways is always there. Yet as time goes on, the change process feels more comfortable and automatic. New habits become ingrained and that helps prevent relapse.

Families Recover

We are all recovering from something, and each family member can find their unique path to leading a better life, supporting their loved one's change, or learning new approaches to life for themselves.

For instance, my recovery was about letting go of focusing all my attention on our family's issues. I needed to learn to find myself again and regain the balance in my life.

As time went on, I put things into place that helped me, such as exercise, writing, yoga, and keeping friends and family close.

The more you support yourself and your loved one in this delicate process, the better. Family members can be a source of encouragement and hope for their loved ones. That support can be unique to your family, as everyone's recovery path is different.

Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

For anyone making a change, it takes time to get back to themselves. The exciting part is that your loved ones will be able to access the many possibilities for their lives as they move forward. It will be rewarding to observe your family's new direction.

And with any change comes the need for healing, compassion, and understanding.

It's crucial to stay connected to your loved one. Everyone needs a support system, especially when you are making a change in your life.

A support system will give you the mental and emotional nourishment to stay on track each day.

Everyone feels better when communication is open and positive. When people feel better, they tend to do better. Having a clear understanding of how others are doing and what you can do to help lays the foundation for change.

That includes noticing the hard work your loved one is doing to maintain their recovery, keeping your emotions in check, and taking time to listen without judgment.

Our brains start to look for the positive when we approach life, looking for possibilities rather than getting caught up in worrying about what could happen.

The shift in thinking can be contagious. The more you can support and encourage your family members, the better off your loved one will be.

Everyone will benefit if each family member can focus on themselves and how they can contribute in a helpful way.

You can stay connected to your loved one. You can be a positive influence and take care of yourself.

Finally, having a sense of gratitude for what is going well in your life also lights the flame of possibilities. Gratitude helps you notice what is going well in your life and keeps your mind on a positive track.

Recovery is possible for anyone. Know there is hope and that change is often right around the corner.

Cathy Taughinbaugh is a Certified Parent and Life Coach, and the author of The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Substance Use. You can find out more about Cathy’s work and book at her site: https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/

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No Pressure. Presence.

5/18/2022

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Right here, right now. This is the only moment I am guaranteed. So, how do I want to live it? Who do I want to be? How do I want to show up? What impact do I want to have on those around me and on some small piece of the world?

(It’s becoming clear why my theme for April’s A to Z Blog Challenge was Question (Almost) Everything! I do love questions and what they open up within us!)

Last week I wrote about Life, Death, and Rebirth as related to what I see happening in the world, particularly in this season of Spring. I wasn’t necessarily thinking about what happens within each one of us.

But, if we are alive, and we are to die (and we aren’t really certain about rebirth, though I have my ideas), how to make this moment, this day count is a powerful, compelling question to sit with. No pressure… simply presence. Awareness. Choice.

Every single one of us knows we will die – that this life will end. And, for whatever reason, we sometimes forget to live with that truth as a guiding light. We act as if we have forever – endless, limitless time.

Your Last Day

What would you do
if you learned you had
one day to live?
No second chance…
this was it.

What changes would you make?
Who would you connect with?
How would you spend your time?
What would you let go of?

Why do we act as if
we have an endless reservoir of time,
so we’ll get to it “some day?”

The truth is, none of us know
when we will leave this earth.
So, why do we wait?
Why are we so out of touch
or careless with our ways
and our days?

We all know we have
limited time here.
Why do we pretend otherwise?
Why wait to forgive,
and love,
and be our full, beautiful selves?

This is so basic
so simple,
so profound,
and so overlooked.

Not wanting to
think about death,
we fail to live
as if life really mattered.

Let’s wake up and begin today
to cherish the people,
the moments,
the perfect expressions of self.
And live as if today,
this moment,
was all we had.

©Barb Klein, 2016 from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

We put things off or we wait for the big dream to come true before we can be happy. We wait til everything is “just right” before we get married, have a baby, move, or retire. We hesitate, feeling not ready until we take one more class, do one more edit, get one more certification. We fail to hit "send" on the manuscript. Sometimes we wait too long. I’ve seen people retire with grand dreams and die very soon after, before they have had a chance to do any of the things they put off.

So, how do we live while we’re here? One thing I learned from my beautiful vibrant friend, Mary Lally, is to “live your f’in life!” Thankfully, she had a doctor who gave her this advice, even when she was living with the uncertainty of advanced stage ovarian cancer in the time of Covid. She knew that this moment is the one we are guaranteed – take it. Show up for it. This is my intention, no matter what the future holds.

To live life doesn’t mean you have to do big or grand things. “Small” things count so much and may constitute the majority of our days.

How do I want to live this day? With love. With joy. With hope. Inviting in new beginnings and fresh possibilities. Open. Grateful. Present. One moment at a time. Letting "good enough" be good enough. No pressure. Just presence. Love. Love for myself, for the people I love, and for life itself, however long it may be.

How about you? How do you want to live this day? Please share. Please live. You matter.

Here’s a little musical invitation from the amazing Pink: The Last Song of Your Life.
And a meditation, if you like, with a reading of "A Mystery" from 111 Invitations - Presence.

Please consider this your invitation to live. Fully. Whatever that looks like and means to you.

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Whims, What Ifs, and Wins

4/27/2022

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Whims
Oxford Languages defines a Whim as “a sudden desire or change of mind, especially one that is unusual or unexplained.” ("she bought it on a whim")

Reading that brings a sense of delight into my whole being and a smile to my face! For some I imagine it might bring a different reaction. However, as I reflect back on my life some of the very best things have happened “on a whim!”

When I first thought about writing about this word for today’s #AtoZChallenge, I had the sense that the word is considered to be light, airy, and maybe fanciful – something not to be taken too seriously or even dismissed. How does “whim” land for you?

I’ll share just a couple of my big life whims (which also land solidly in my “win” column as things that fill me with such joy):

1. Buying my first horse, Sport, a semi-wild 5-year-old, breathtakingly beautiful grey Arab, who was very far from the ideal first horse…and yet, I had to have him. I could feel it to my core – he excited me, he scared me, I had no idea how to work with him,he was too small and too excitable for the dressage showing I wanted to do. And yet… my heart and soul knew we were meant to be together.

At the time I was newly married. When I tried to do the logical thing of figuring out whether we could afford him, it was clear that we could not – there was $16 left before groceries. And yet…

I was 25. I had wanted a horse my entire life. My husband was on board, even though it made no logical sense. Somehow we found a way.

It was one of the best moves of my life, and I have zero regrets, even though this choice certainly contributed significantly to the pile of debt we had to work harder to get out from under over the years. You can see this beautiful creature and read our story in The Beauty of NOT being Logical! Whims are NOT logical!

2. Going alone to Australia for a 2-week writing cruise… I am not an adventurous solo traveler. When I could not find anyone to join me for this trip, I was ready to let it go. And yet (maybe these words are a sign of a whim!)… I could feel the longing, the desire, the need to go. I couldn’t satisfy logical answers about why or what I expected to get. I had never before agreed to share a tiny box-like room with a stranger, and I was scared to death.

And yet… I figured out how to make it happen. New Year’s Eve 2011 sent me off for one of the best adventures of my life. I met people who are still dear to me. I connected with myself and fed my writer dream (though I still have not written the book that was stirring in me at that time). Zero regrets.

I do many things “on a whim.” When I see retreats, programs, teachers, or groups, I often seem to know immediately whether this is a “yes” or a “no.” Often very big decisions happen on a whim, and in retrospect carry zero regret. It was on a whim that I applied for and got my last full-time job at a time when I had no thought of going back to work. Something inside of me knew the time was right to take this leap, even though I was largely unprepared!

I am grateful my husband shares this spontaneity – most of our moves have been out of the blue, on a whim, and sometimes right after we declared we were not moving. Actually, I met him on a whim – on a night I had sworn off men forever.

So, are whims fanciful moves of the airheaded? Or are they divine inspiration or soul guidance? I have no idea what the right answer is, but from my perspective they are most assuredly guidance, intuition, knowing, and they lead me to such beautiful richness!

What Ifs
Often times “what if’s” keep us stuck or paralyzed for fear of what might go wrong. What if it doesn’t work out? What if this was the wrong move? And, don’t get me wrong, these questions live within me even in most of my whims… the bigger the decision the louder the what if!

What if we should wait? What if that other program is better? What if our hearts aren’t big enough to love another child? See how analysis paralysis could set in? Waiting, worrying, looking for the perfect moment, wishing we could have certainty before making a move… we might never do anything!

The closer we get to the thing that’s most important to the soul, the scarier it can be! Some of my strongest anxiety has come in when things felt most right. So strange, but maybe the intensity rouses the part that wants to keep us safe… anything to prevent a big mistake!

And yet, what if we looked at our what if’s another way? What if we could connect with the wonder, awe, possibility? What if this actually works out? What if things are amazing? What if we dared to dream or hope? These what ifs can pull us forward, even into the scary unknown, riding on the wings of hope and desire!

Both sides of the what if are always available to us, because as we looked at in the recent post about Unknown and Uncertainty, no one can know with 100% certainty what the future holds. So, we always have to be willing to weigh the risks, consider the pros and cons, and feel into whether something is a yes or a no for us. With every excitement there is likely anxiety.

Wins
When I think about wins, they have nothing to do with material gain, beating someone else out for something, or even necessarily having anything wonderful to show the world. Sometimes I can’t prove a win to anyone. Sometimes the win has nothing to do with the outcome and everything to do with how I showed up along the way.

To me, a win brings a sense of contentment or fulfillment at a deep, deep level. A win is when I feel in integrity, in alignment with my soul’s imperative.

The whims I’ve shared here are all wins. I’m sure there are others that haven’t gone so well, and it’s a win that they’re not coming to mind right now.

How about you? What’s your relationship with whims, what ifs, and wins? Please share.

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Vision and Vows

4/26/2022

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Photo by Drew Beamer on Unsplash

As we look at V in the #AtoZChallenge, what comes up for me is vision and vows. Not the kind of vows you take when you get married or join a convent, necessarily but vows we may not even be aware we’ve taken.

Vision
Let’s start with vision. Are you a vision or a goal person? Or maybe you like both? Or neither?

I definitely fall in the vision camp, even though I’m a coach, and I know I’m supposed to love goals. Maybe there is a place for each, but more often than not, I find vision more expansive and goals more limiting.

To me a vision comes from the imagination, allowing yourself to dream and consider what might be possible. When I’m forming a vision, I’m considering how I want to feel. I may not have all of the details, but I give myself permission to paint a picture in my mind and feel in my heart what it is that I’m wanting. A vision is something I breathe into as I breathe life into it. It fills me, and I hold it. But, I don’t necessarily “work” at it. I conjure it, and I hold it in my heart. I put it out to the Universe, and I go about my business.

Of course, there are steps I have to take along the way. I can’t just sit on the couch eating bon bons and expect things to materialize, and yet, I’ve also found that it doesn’t necessarily take hard work to bring things into reality.

Real Life Example
I just came across a notebook I had been gifted in 2016 that had space for me to write down a mantra for the year, my top 5 values, a vision statement and a personal and professional mission statement. Then I could record various goals I had, stating why they were important to me, a projected completion date, and an action plan with lots of blocks for steps.

Here’s where I see a distinction between goal and vision. Stating the goal (or thing I desire in my life) and naming why it’s important to me feel like vision. Giving it a projected completion date is a blend of vision (I don’t know, but this seems realistic…) and goal (I will have it completed by ___). The action plan is where we name steps toward achieving that completion date.

The cool thing is as I look back at this book from 6 years ago, the very first goal I didn’t even remember naming at that time was to have a home on a lake. Why? “Because on the water is where I find my greatest peace, align with my spirit, and tap into my highest creativity.” I gave myself a projected date of 2021 – 5 years out. Why? Because the truth was, I thought this was a pipe dream. I wanted it, but I didn’t really think it would ever happen. I thought I was writing and boldly declaring something outlandish. We had NO desire to move again, I didn’t know if my husband was on board, and I didn’t think we could afford it.

So, even my vision was kind of wishy-washy, but I felt the call in my heart and soul, so I let myself put it down anyway.

My action steps (most which were never taken):
1. Begin a savings plan specifically for this goal,
2. Talk to my husband, Tom, to be sure he’s on board, and
3. Create a vision board to bring this dream into reality.

Why is this so cool?
1. Because within a short time I forgot I had even written it down,
2. Because I only took one of those action items (the only one I really needed to which was talk to Tom), and
3. Within a year we were getting our house ready to sell, and 3 months later we had closed on our lake home! “Goal” met 4 years earlier than my wild projection!

It was NOT the home I would have envisioned originally, but it’s a home that supports our life in a wonderful and affordable way. The beautiful thing about vision is there’s room for it to unfold, evolve, and emerge. Had I set a goal, we might not be in this place because I wouldn’t have found the home that checked all of the boxes I thought I wanted.

Which brings us to Vows…
I first considered vows in the way I now understand them when I was taking the Now What?® Coaching training with Laura Berman Fortgang back in 2013. We created a brief life history, and Laura invited us to notice any vows we may have made that were still driving our decisions and behaviors.

Vows sound like “I will NEVER be, do, feel…” They may have worked for a while, but because they are a reaction to the past, they may no longer serve us. They operate subconsciously, so until we take the time to see them, they may actually impede the life we want. When we can see and name them, we become free to choose – do I still want this force dictating my choices?

Some common vows:
“I will never be like my father.” “I will never be poor.” “I will show them! Prove what I’m made of!” “I will never be a statistic!” “I will be the best mom ever and my kids will be my everything!” “I will change the world!”

If there’s a vow that requires you to prove something, it may drive you to work harder, gather more degrees or credentials, and achieve beyond what you really want or need.

Vows may wear you down as you allow yourself to be silently and unknowingly driven by the past. And vows can get in the way of your vision.

If my vow had been “I will ONLY live in a house that’s ____ size on ____ lake and it will have X, Y, and Z” I’d probably still be back in my suburban home with my miserable neighbor, where I would have been very sad riding out the pandemic.

Maybe I wouldn’t have even let myself look at anything that didn’t fit predefined narrow parameters. There would have been no room to play with possibilities that eventually carried us across hundreds of miles to at least 5 different lakes, looking at homes of all sizes in all conditions. We would never have considered our current home.

Your turn:
What visions do you hold, personally and professionally?
Do you see any vows that are alive and well that might not be serving you very well?

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Q is for Questions

4/20/2022

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Since we started with #AtoZChallenge with a post about Answers, and my theme is Question (Almost) Everything, it seems only fitting that we take a little time with questions! In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I love questions. I live in questions. I know what it feels like to be annoying for asking too many questions!

Anyone else a “you ask too many questions” person??

Through these daily posts it’s been my genuine desire to ask provocative questions. To get you thinking, journaling, considering how these topics show up in your life. Questioning is the way we expand beyond what we already know. Questioning the status quo, the “way it’s always been done,” or what everyone else is doing is how we contribute to change in our own lives and in the world.

Asking questions can open doors and reveal fresh possibility. Questions are the foundation of experimentation, inviting us to try something and see how it goes. Questions make it ok to not know.

As I touched on in Answers, it strikes me that there are different types of questions we ask. In addition to basic logistical questions, there are questions of agony, questions of hope, excitement or wonder, questions of curiosity and genuine interest, and questions of right or wrong. And then of course there are the big, possibly unanswerable, existential questions! And, my favorite, the beautiful question.

At different times each one of us has likely asked every kind of question.

Questions of Agony: These are the cruel or “woe is me” questions that pile on misery and can keep us stuck. They’re natural but not very helpful. The come with a tone of powerlessness– tone matters, because some of these questions, if asked in a neutral way could be genuine interest, information gathering, reflective ones.

These are the judgmental ones, the ones of self-or other criticism, the ones of despair and misery. These questions sound like: Why is this happening? Why me/us? How did we get here? How could you? What’s wrong with me (or you)? When will this ever end?? Who’s to blame?

Questions of hope, excitement, or wonder: You can feel the energy in these questions as they touch a place of wonder, awe, or imagination. There’s a lightness and a sense of delight as you feel these questions. Maybe some “nerve-cited” sensation too!

When will we find out? Is this really happening!? Are we really in this place/at this event/fulfilling this dream?? Will this work? How is it possible that there is so much beauty in the world? How did I get so lucky to feel a love like this? If I had a magic wand, how would your life be different? If I went for it, what might be possible? Can I really do this?

Questions of curiosity and genuine interest: These questions seek to understand, to connect, to go deeper.

What’s going on for you? Tell me more about your situation; I really want to know (this is the tricky statement question!). What makes you feel most alive? What does it mean to you to be successful? What DO I really want?

Questions of right or wrong: These questions try to figure out the “right” course of action. When asked internally, and if we allow ourselves enough space and time to hear true guidance, these can be super helpful. If asked of others, they can take us away from our own intuition or knowing.

What should I do? Just tell me! Is this the right choice? I don’t know… is that wrong? What does the book say we’re supposed to do in this case? What do the experts tell us to do?

Existential Questions: The super big, maybe unanswerable questions we ask about life itself and our life and purpose.

Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? What’s the meaning of life? Does anything matter? If nothing matters, does everything matter? Is there a God, and if there is, how could they let ____ happen?

And, then, there is the Beautiful Question:
I learned about Beautiful Questions in a workshop on curiosity at Camp Good Life Project back in 2018. Steven Morris described it as a question that can’t be answered by the mind alone and that it may be something you have to sit with for some time.

So, the beautiful question is one you may not know the answer to easily (or ever), and for me, these are the questions that have caused me to open my mind, and more importantly, my heart to a broader perspective.

As a mom of a young man with substance use disorder, many of my questions over the years had been anything but beautiful! There were many questions of agony, of right and wrong, seeking outside advice and answers, which no one could really give us. There were not too many questions of curiosity or wonder and certainly no beautiful wide-open wonderings. I was too constricted by fear.

The question that changed our life:
Steven’s workshop broke open a question that would change my and our experience of life, and it was this: What if we stop trying to save his life and just love him, as he is, for as long as he’s here?”

Every single word of this question felt important for me to really take in. This question came from some place beyond my mind. I know that because it makes no sense to a Mom mind. And yet, it acknowledges and embodies the reality of our situation. We can’t save his life, and we’re making all of us crazy trying to do so. We do love him deeply, so what if we fully gave ourselves permission to love with all of our hearts. And, he might die too young. Knowing that, how do we want to live and be with our son while he’s here?

Somehow my heart and soul can hold the hugeness of this question. Somehow this question frees us to be with our son in a more peaceful, accepting way. It allows, at least occasionally, the desperation to fall away. It enables us to give him the freedom to live his life and find his way. It stops us from so much telling and yelling.

And, so I ask you, dear reader: What’s the value in asking good questions? Powerful questions? What questions actually engage you or your conversation partner in some deeper thought and interaction? What beautiful question might your life be asking you to sit with? Is there one that would open you up?

I can’t wait to hear what this topic stirs for you!

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Planting Seeds, Practice, and Possibility

4/19/2022

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In today’s #AtoZChallenge, let’s look at planting seeds, practice, and, of course, Possibility! I couldn’t miss that chance when P came around!

Planting Seeds
We are forever planting seeds in our own lives and in the world, so it seems worth pausing (oh, there’s another great P word!) to notice the seeds we spread. Are they seeds of kindness and generosity, of love and possibility, of hope? Or are they seeds of doom and gloom (which, quite frankly, would be understandable these days)?

My yoga teacher reminded us that Loving Kindness practice plants seeds of kindness and compassion within us that hopefully we will carry into our days and lives. As we sit and take the time to offer to ourselves and others these universal wishes of peace, happiness, health, safety, and ease, we become fertile ground for embodying these qualities. From there we can more readily offer them out through our actions. We begin with ourselves, offering some variation of the following:

May I be peaceful.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I be safe.
May I live with ease.

I must admit it can be hard for me to be fully present for this initial offering - to quiet myself enough to simply receive. My mind and heart automatically wander to others I want to send these wishes to. I forget the incredible value and absolute necessity of filling myself up first.

I do believe Loving Kindness practice is one of the most valuable practices we can engage in these days. As I wondered in my Kindness post, I can easily question if this practice matters or makes a difference. I have to believe it does. Because I can feel in my own being what a difference it makes to my heart and spirit. The act of taking time to offer love to myself and then out to others, known and unknown, feels like it creates a ripple… it feels like planting seeds of goodness in a world that is hurting.

Practice
And, so, there is the first practice I’m considering. What other practices will support us in troubled times? What practices will support us to move toward possibility? And, what does “practice” even mean?

Practice, to me, means that we will try or do something, we will likely forget or drift away from this thing we are doing, and then we return again. It does not mean that we will be perfect, even with all the practice in the world, but simply that we will remember and come back. Over and over again.

Meditation is a practice. In it we welcome ourselves where we are as we are. We allow our thoughts and feelings to be what they are and to come and go, naturally, without force or harshness. When we find we’ve drifted away for whatever reason, we return to our anchor (often the breath, but it could also be the sensation of your hands or feet, the sounds you’re hearing, or to a word or mantra), and begin again. In that permission to drift and return as often as happens, there is a gentleness. And so, meditation is a very good practice to support our way of being in life. When we drift from how we’d like to be, we remember, we adjust, we return, and we begin again.

Living and loving are practices. Human is messy, and so we offer ourselves compassion and forgiveness as we find our way.

Self-care is a practice. It’s not something we’ve been taught growing up, and so we need to find our way as adults to what it means for us to care for ourselves, moment by moment. We often begin with gung-ho intentions and goals, and inevitably life happens and we become less diligent. It’s ok. In that moment of noticing that we’ve drifted off our intended course, we awaken, and we have the chance to return and begin again.

Gratitude is a practice. It takes awareness to pause and notice what we’re grateful for. To take in the beauty of this moment and appreciate it. To reflect on the life we have and name what we are thankful for. Even in hard times to find what’s still here that we can appreciate. What can give us a tiny lift or glimmer of hope toward the next step.

What other practices do you have that support you, that help you plant the seeds you’d like to in your life, and to move into possibility?

Possibility
Possibility is perhaps one of the most under-rated beliefs we can tap into. We tend to look at probability and get stuck there. We forget that all new creations began with someone taking a risk, daring to believe that something might be possible. I recently listened to a really great conversation between Emmanuel Acho and Brene Brown about this very thing in their episode of “Unlocking Us,” entitled Being Illogical. Please give it a listen if you’d like to bring more possibility thinking into your days!

Had the Wright Brothers let probability stop them, we would not be able to travel across the country in a matter of hours. Had Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King, Jr. let probability stop them, they would not have taken a stand for the rights of people of color. Possibility requires a bit of imagination, a bit of daring, and a bit of willingness to play, experiment, or take a stand.

I believe possibility opens us to the life that we desire to be a part of. That opening to possibility is where everything begins. Our minds only know what’s happened before. Our imaginations can tap into an unseen and unexperienced vision. It’s this energy that lights a fire within us to keep on showing up, to do the hard work of healing our own hurts, and contributing to the world in the way we’re called.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”
- Mahatma Gandhi

Please join me in planting seeds of compassion, love, kindness, and hope. In practicing things that nourish and nurture your heart and spirit so that you can show up with possibility in your soul to be part of the change you desire to see in your life or in the world.

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A... Answers

4/1/2022

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Wait! What? I thought this was about questions! Well, it is... but asking questions implies that there will be answers, doesn't it!? We ask questions because we want answers… and, if we’re honest, we crave answers!

So, let's begin here. It's important to set the stage and your expectations for what this journey will involve. Spoiler alert... no answers (at least not from me)! Why not? Because my hope here is to get you wondering, thinking, contemplating. Getting clear on what resonates for you and feels true to you. I want to invite you to a place of sitting with your own questions as you read (and journal along with me if you feel so inclined!).

I love and appreciate any teachings that ask us to discern for ourselves what is true – not to take anyone’s word for it or to buy into something until we have tested it out for ourselves. I highly encourage that! So, please, as I offer out ideas and ramblings, feel into them and find what lands for you.

Here we go with Day 1 of the A to Z blogging challenge with my chosen theme of Question (Almost) Everything! Thank you so much for coming along for the ride!!

As I think about answers, I notice a few things. I am aware of different types of questions – questions of agony that can feel judgmental, self-critical, harsh, or victimy; questions of hope and excitement that hold the energy of wonder and delight along with perhaps a little nervousness; questions of anticipation that hold an eager or impatient energy; questions of true curiosity, of genuine interest or desire to know more, without agenda. I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones that rise up in this moment. Oh, questions of “should” and of “right and wrong” are another powerful and predominant group.

What kind of questions do you find yourself sitting with regularly? What answers do you long for?

A couple of beliefs about answers rise up:
1. Answers are "out there," and
2. Answers lie within

So, let's look at them one at a time.

Answers are "out there" is something I've believed on some level most of my life. That someone, something, other than me knows what is best for me. I've had to work really hard over the years to get to a point of trusting myself. My first inclination is still to look for a book (or as many books as I can find) for any situation I'm facing. And, yet, this idea that the answer is somewhere out there has also led to a lot of pain and confusion.

As a youngish new mother, I didn't know how to trust myself. I remember distinctly reading all the "What to Expect" books as my bibles throughout pregnancy, infancy, and toddler years - they were pretty helpful in terms of normalizing stuff I'd never encountered before. And, then, for some reason those books drop you and leave you hanging! Where is the "What to Expect in the Teen Years?" Or "What to Expect when Addiction Enters Your Home?" Seriously lacking, folks!!

When my first son was just a baby, I remember feeling so lost and confused... one book is telling me to let him cry it out, even though it's ripping our hearts to shreds to do so... another says pick them up whenever they cry (didn’t love that answer either because we were exhausted)... another, "don't spoil your child..." It would be nice if the “experts” could at least agree! In those early days of sleep deprivation and feeling like aliens on foreign terrain, we desperately wanted anyone to just tell us what to do! At least that’s how it felt in that moment and in most moments of panic and fear.

But, actually, as I look back, what I really wish was that someone had reassured me that we would find our own way, our own rhythm that worked for us as a couple and as a family, based on who this little one was. Really...

Starting a business, becoming a coach, there are plenty of people ready and willing to tell you how you're supposed to do things - what's right, what's wrong - how to earn 6 figures in 3 days! Give me a break! But I still have to pause to resist the temptation of the bright shiny course. It's an effort for me to lean into finding my own way to do things and letting that be ok. The programming that suggests there is a right or wrong way to do things runs strong through my veins.

More often than not, I have to remind myself that yes, there are plenty of answers "out there,” but I don't have to buy into any that don't ring true for me.

There are plenty of people all too happy to tell you what you "should" do... very few who encourage you to stop and decide for yourself.

So, let's go on to Answers Lie Within...
This idea is one I very much believe. I trust that each of us is the expert in our own life and that when we are able to find the way, we can lean into our own knowing and trust.

I also know that that’s not always a reassuring stance either, because as lost and confused humans, sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier if someone would just tell me!!

So, my closing thoughts on this are we want answers, but we really don’t want someone else to tell us what to do, except when we’re feeling most lost and confused. Even then, deep down, if it doesn’t resonate with our heart and soul, I think we feel the dissonance. I also think that more often than not when people start telling us what to do, we naturally begin to shut down. We feel the disconnect from our own wisdom and knowing. We feel the pain of not being seen and heard. We wish someone would just tell us to find our way.

What are your thoughts about questions and answers? Please share your wisdom in the comments below! #AtoZchallenge

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A to Z Blogging Challenge Theme Reveal...

3/24/2022

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I am trying something new to me this year! The Blogging from A to Z April Challenge #AtoZChallenge What this means is that every day in the month of April, except Sundays, I will post a theme-related blog based on the letter of the day.

And today is reveal day... Drumroll, please!! The theme I am working with is
Question (Almost) Everything!

Inspired by Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved, (and because I truly know the value and power of good evocative, provocative, beautiful questions) I thought it might be fun to live into some questions – to look at our conditioning, the stories, actions, and beliefs we’ve bought into and why we do and say some of these things. Who taught us to believe this, where and when did we pick up this idea, and what might we choose instead?

Some will be serious, some will be silly... and lord knows, I hope I can come up with 26 topics to think about and that I can be disciplined and structured enough to post every day! This will definitely be challenging for me, and a good stretch for my writer self.

What do you think? What questions do you have that I might explore? What conditioning are you curious about? What belief, cultural narrative, actions, or simple pithy sayings drive you crazy? Send me a message and let me know, please! I'll need some help coming up with something for every letter!

The blogs will be posted right here on my Inspired Possibility blog and will also be emailed to anyone who would like to receive them. Thanks to those who have already subscribed to this special list. Email me if you too would like to receive these A to Z posts!

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Let Me Not Miss This Day...

3/16/2022

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I'm writing this on Tuesday, March 8th and this is what the beach was like on this beautiful morning… sunny, warm, blue sky with a dappling of puffy clouds, children squealing with delight as they race into the waves, dogs bounding happily into the whitecaps chasing balls, people biking, walking, sitting or lying on their towels… there's a sense of ease and delight in this space. Yesterday was supposed to be our last nice day before we head back home - the rains were supposed to begin today, but they didn't! Somehow we were granted one more bonus day of natural gorgeousness and blissfully I had absolutely nothing on my schedule til this evening!

So as I reflected on my intention for the day, what came to me was “Let me not miss this day.” Too many times I've missed a day - swept up in fear, worry, regret or anticipation. Anything that carries me into the future, into the past, or into another part of the world takes me away from fully being right here, right now. And so, in an effort to slow the ticking of time, I intend to not miss this day.

Tears came as I felt the sadness of leaving which is coming too soon. Even though it's been a long time already and even though there are good reasons to want to get back home, I am already mourning the transition that is coming. I'm already packing in my mind, beginning the drive, anticipating the travel… but that's not here.

Again, I pause and catch myself. I don't want to miss this day, so I'll remember that I am still here right now. We don't leave for another 5 days. I have time. It just doesn't feel like it. But, I do. There is time to slow down. To breathe in the salt air. To soak in the sun. To love the feeling of soft sand on my bare feet. To smile at the simple joy all around me on the beach. To enjoy one more dinner with my love (in fact, the restaurant that I had tried to call several times to make a reservation just called me back because they had missed my calls! What!? Who does that?? We have a lovely waterfront dinner planned for this evening! That was bonus!!)

I am savoring the sweetness of this day, even though I am also doing laundry and dishes. Those tasks don't take away from the time at the pool or the refreshing breeze off the ocean. As I choose to sit and meditate and write, I am taking in the golf course out my window, the tropical-themed bedspread I am sitting upon. I am drinking in this space as if I could carry it home with me somehow. Longing for my skin to be able to absorb enough warmth to hold me until Spring finally arrives up North, even though I know that's not possible.

Returning to here. Now. This moment. This breath. Don't let me miss this day thinking ahead to North. Right now I am still here in the South. How easy it is to drift away before I've even had a chance to catch myself.

Wishing you a day that you too can savor and be present with. Give yourself to it, and allow it to fill you. What gifts does it offer? What sweetness? Please, don't miss this day.

This week's meditation is Let Me Not Miss This Day, and it includes a reading of “This Pure, Precious Moment” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life. May it support you in coming into presence for a few minutes this day.

Seeking your input! Blogging A-to-Z Challenge: Looking ahead to April, I think I am going to take on the Blogging A to Z Challenge (which I'm still figuring out)! What that means is that every day except Sundays, I will post a theme-related blog based on the letter of the day. Feels like a fun way to stretch my writing!

The theme I'm considering is inspired by Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved. I thought it might be fun to live into some questions – to look at our conditioning, the stories and beliefs we’ve bought into and why we believe these things. Who taught us to believe this, where and when did we pick up this idea, and what might we choose instead?

So, what’s the theme? Conditioning? Discernment? Breaking down beliefs? I’m not sure, but I think this could be a good one for me given the way I tend to think in questions more than answers! What do you think? What questions do you have that I might explore? What conditioning are you curious about? What belief, cultural narrative, or platitude drives you crazy? Send me a note and let me know, please! I'll need some help coming up with something for every letter!

The blogs will be posted on here on this blog and will only be emailed to people who choose to receive them (you can email me to let me know if you'd like to be added to this list).

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No Pressure. Presence.

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Q is for Questions

Planting Seeds, Practice, and Possibility

A... Answers

A to Z Blogging Challenge Theme Reveal...

Let Me Not Miss This Day...

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