Inspired Possibility Blog

Out of the Darkness & Into the Light...

12/21/2022

As I revisit and revise this post, originally written for MomPower in 2020 and then re-written for this blog last year, I am feeling into what's alive for me at this moment. I am grateful to re-read this message and take it into my own heart as I sit with myself with tears streaming down my face. I offer it to you again with love.

Today marks the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. On this darkest day of the year, the pivotal moment between dark and light, it is the perfect time to honor the darkness that has come into our lives. It is a time to honor those who have been lost and to remember them with love. It is a time to honor the struggle and the perseverance of those who are on a challenging journey and to honor ourselves and other loved ones who have also found a way through the darkness.

In honoring the darkness and in grieving the losses we have endured, we bring those moments into the light. When we bring them into the light, they are no longer hiding in the shadows, lurking in shame, or hidden in silence. We claim and name our experience. We see it for what it has been. We presence it.

When we do this, we are able to step forward into the light. Just as the days begin to get longer with a bit more light from tomorrow on, we too can begin to bring more light into our homes and our beings.

Addiction, cancer, mental illness (to name a few) are painful diseases, as you undoubtedly know. They affect everyone in their wake and can take down entire families with the weight of suffering.

However (and this is a big however), the journey into darkness does not have to take us out forever. It is possible to find hope, joy, peace, love, and to create a brighter tomorrow, even when we have been impacted by a loved one's disease.

If you are reading this, you are alive, and for that fact alone there is reason to celebrate. You have been given the opportunity to live one more day. What will you do with this one precious life you have been given? How will you set your soul free to express itself? What is uniquely yours to do?

Is there some way to honor your journey up to this very moment--the good, the bad, and the ugly, the full messiness of it all? The painful, the joyous, the fearfulness, and the hope? Whatever it’s looked like in the past, today marks a new day, albeit a short one. Tomorrow offers the light of fresh possibility, as each day does. How do you want to step into tomorrow?

If we are able to find a way to turn our pain (or darkness) into possibility (or light), we can transform these heavy experiences into something that serve and support us and others. We can show up for life more fully. We can become who we were born to be. With each loss I experience I also experience a fresh resolve to live this life even more fully.

Let’s face it, the past 3 years have carried a full load of darkness, collectively, along with anything that you might have experienced personally.

For many the holidays are emotionally-charged times and may bring in a healthy mix of emotions… sadness, joy, celebration, loneliness. I know I will be feeling both sadness for those who are not with us during this holiday season as well as joy and gratitude for those who are.

There is room for it all. When we allow ourselves to feel it all, to allow our hearts to carry this messy mix of what makes us human, we are able to move through it.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brene Brown

So, let this pivotal day be a day that marks the honoring of both the dark and the light. Let us take a step back and look at the big picture of our lives and recognize that our experiences have not been all good or all bad, but rather a mix of both.

These diseases can entomb us with their heavy cloak of darkness if we let them, but we can choose to lift up the corner of that cloak and peek outside. We can lay down the heaviness and step into the light. We get to choose.

We may well prefer the moments of lightness, light-heartedness, and light in general, but there is also a gift to receive during the dark and challenging times. We must be willing to sit with this part of our reality if we are to truly enjoy the light.

I have found that it is in the dark where I have grown the most. I wonder if that might be true for you as well. I offer you this poem for consideration.

The Places We Grow
It’s in the dark,
in the shadows,
where we stretch and grow.

We face ourselves
and see a new or forgotten aspect,
a piece we’d rather ignore or deny.

But there it is…
staring us down,
daring us to change,
to find a new way,
or to simply come into acceptance.

Sometimes it’s about overcoming
or adjusting.
Finding a way to do this with
love, compassion,
and gentle communion.

Honoring the self…
who I am,
where I am,
what I need,
what my baggage is.

And stepping into a deeper layer,
excavating and shifting,
allowing new light in,
and new hope out.

These are the places we grow –
often watered
and nourished with tears.
© Barb Klein, 2016, “The Places We Grow,” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

Where and how can you nourish yourself today? How might you allow some new light in--to your being, to your life? How can you allow a little more hope to shine into the world?

Begin by greeting yourself exactly where you are--gently, with tenderness, care, and compassion. Offer yourself the space and grace to feel into what’s alive within your heart at this moment. Ask your heart what it needs at this moment to be truly nurtured and nourished. Then respond accordingly. You deserve your own loving care.

We are on the cusp of a new year and we can only hope that 2023 is bringing with it new possibility, hope, and fresh beginnings. Today let’s pause. Let’s look at our lives and our loved ones with reverence. Let’s honor this journey where we have walked, crawled, and stumbled while we look ahead to the light of new creativity. Let’s let this darkest day of the year—December 21-- be a personal pivotal moment for us to enter an illuminated future.

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Mind Your Business

11/30/2022

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I’ve heard this said a number of ways from the not very nice “Mind your own business!” to a gentler reminder to “stay in your lane, in your boat, or in your hula hoop.” I’ve come to take it as sage wisdom, not a harsh rebuke. A “prescription for peace” as my friend and colleague, Joanne Richards, calls it.

When we love someone with substance use disorder or other mental health issues, we can find ourselves in their business a lot. They aren’t doing well. Things don’t add up. The stories we’re getting or what we’re observing don’t compute with what we’re being told, so we’re going to get to the bottom of it. But, can we, really? We’re not in the other person’s head or life, so we won’t truly know what’s happening unless they share it with us. We can only make up our own stories. Stories which often lead to more wondering, more worrying, more distress.

We can do this with friends and other loved ones too - they haven’t called or replied to a text. What’s that mean? Are they mad? Did I do or say something wrong? Are they ok? What’s wrong? People are complex, so we never know what may or may not have upset someone. We don’t really know what’s going on for them unless we talk to them directly about it. Our mind masterfully, effortlessly, and unknowingly dreams up disaster scenarios in the blink of an eye.

How do we know when we’re out of our business?

Here are some of the common ways we might find ourselves out of our business and into someone else’s. Read through with gentleness and without self-judgment. Maybe some familiar to you too. Great! You’ve just raised your awareness! Now you get to choose what to do with that!

Finding ourselves wrapped up in fear, struggle, and resentment.
Spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about this other person. Checking the phone for calls or texts or checking in with them repeatedly. Monitoring their activity and whereabouts. Believing you need to know what’s going on with them. If you don’t hear from them, you worry if they’re all right.

Lying in bed, mind drifting into sleuth mode trying to piece together bits of stories or observations to figure out what’s really going on (at least in a way that makes sense to the mind). Looking for inconsistencies, trying to make sense of what’s unknown. When we don’t know the truth of what’s real, we make up all kinds of stories so our mind has something to hold onto.

Seeking answers to the unknown, forgetting that we can never really know the future.

Losing sleep grasping for control in any way we can because things feel so out of control.

Wandering throughout the day aimlessly during unscheduled times. Unsure what to do, nervous energy carrying us from one thing to the next… doing a little of this and a little of that, but lacking the focus to dive deeply into any one thing for any length of time.

Eating for comfort rather than for hunger or nourishment. “Stress eating” is a real thing… and I am very, very good at it! Eating our feelings… it happens!

Connecting our sense of peace and well-being directly to someone else’s. Unless they’re doing well, we can’t be either.

How do you know when you’re out of your business and into someone else’s? What are your clues?

Why does it matter?

This is particularly important for those of us with whom mental health is at play or substance use is in the field because chaos and frenzy can easily become the norm, and it can consume you.

Finding ourselves out of our business matters because in those moments we are not honoring our peace and well-being. We are sacrificing them to concerns that are out of our control. We may be adding on to the suffering by beating ourselves up for doing this because “we know better.” Knowing and doing are not the same thing, turns out!

Byron Katie talks about “your business, their business, and God’s business.” Much of what we worry about falls in the latter 2 categories, so when we can rein it in and come back home to this being, to our business, we can relax a bit. If we accept the reality of what we can control or even influence, we will see that it’s very little of our world. Maybe then we can give up trying… In a really healthy way.

When I find myself out of my own business and fretting about someone else I can actually say to myself, “OK, come back here… right here. This breath, this body, this being” and feel myself relax into the true moment I’m in.

What can you do differently?

Here are some ideas that have worked for me. YOU are the expert on you. See what resonates with you and what you might like to try. What do you know to do but have lost track of or gotten out of the practice of doing? (It happens to all of us!)

Begin by shifting the focus back from the other person to yourself. To your self-awareness, personal growth, to your peace, your joy, your desires, the core of who you are.

Shift your focus from what’s wrong to what’s right or good in your life. Recognize that this is not an either-or proposition. We live within the whole of it. There is always beauty and goodness to be found.

Find simple tasks that have a start and finish to them (or break larger tasks down into small chunks) - that sense of completion can be very satisfying.

It takes practice to come back to ground, back to center, when you live in never-ending chaos. To come home to yourself requires self-awareness in order to even know that you’ve left yourself. It takes a willingness to break the cycle of spin.

It takes a desire to honor your peace and well-being. We say we value these things over and over, yet how often do we de-prioritize them in favor of something else, consciously or unconsciously? How often do we push them away, choosing to swim in fear and despair instead? How often do we forget that we really do have choices about our own behavior? Where do we begin?

Begin with a PAUSE. You’ve likely heard me say this a million times, because this is the number one tool I know for getting grounded. Take a breath. Take a step back. Observe yourself - what are you doing? Where is your mind going? Get into your body and feel your breath moving in and out of you.

Rather than push away the worrisome thoughts and feelings, allow them to be there (they’re here anyway, and we really can’t stop them from coming). Meet them gently, with love, with understanding, with compassion and care. Feelings come whether they make sense or not. The thoughts you have probably do make sense, especially if past history has shown you what could happen. When we stop fighting with them or beating ourselves up for having them, they may just dissolve on their own. Likely they will at least soften. Put your hand on your heart or give yourself a gentle hug and just tend to your own precious being.

Also, get curious. Question your thoughts - are you certain that they’re true? What happens for you when you let go of or stop repeating a distressing story? When you stop spinning it over and over in your mind or telling it to others? Notice what you feel in your body, heart, and mind. What’s different in your energy and presence?

Once you catch yourself solidly in someone else’s business, find the practices that support you in disengaging and realigning with your true self, getting solid within your core.

How can you give yourself a break? How might you take some time and space away, for yourself? Putting the phone on Do Not Disturb, turning it off, or putting it away is one of the greatest things we can do for our own mental health these days. This little device can pull us out of the present more quickly than anything I know. It breaks connection with the person right in front of you (even having your silent phone out can do that - if it pings or chimes even more so). For more on that, check out Omega's article, "Put Down Your Device & Pick Up Your Life."

Also, if and when it makes sense, connect. Reach out. Listen to what’s up for the other person. You can share your concerns if there’s an opportunity to do so in a loving (non-lecturing) way, but it may be more valuable just to get together and listen, really listen.

Give yourself time for your own nourishment and nurturing. Are you eating in a way that truly feeds you, body, mind, and spirit? Are you getting the sleep you need? Drinking enough water? These are some of the basics, so start there.

Then, stretch a bit… when was the last time you just let yourself have fun? Played for no reason at all? Laughed out loud so hard you thought you’d pee your pants? Lazed around doing whatever you wanted for more than 5 minutes, without guilt or apology?

Nourishing our bodies, minds, hearts, and spirits is a worthwhile endeavor.   Unless and until we take care of ourselves, we’re going to keep showing up to life in a way we don’t like - frenzied, frantic, scared, angry, yelling…

Tune in to who you want to be and how you want to be, especially in this relationship. Do what you can to reconnect with that version of you.

Send out a prayer or light a candle for a person you love who you’re concerned about. Send love out through the airwaves - this fills you both up with this beautiful energy.

Send loving texts of support and don’t wait for or even expect a reply. Stop asking questions you don’t really want the answers to or won’t believe anyway.

Breathe and ease up. Consider that things might be ok (because maybe they really are). Let go of being the 911 operator, and maybe don’t be available for all the crises when they arrive. Stop being the one who thinks they have to connect all the dots.

Continue to learn and practice healthier, more effective, more intentional ways of being. Allow yourself to be imperfect and awkward as you try out things that might not come naturally. Discover the payoff for yourself.

What if?

What if things are working out in a way you can’t see or imagine? They might be. Isn’t it as possible as the disaster scenarios the mind so skillfully devises?

Permission to hope, to dream, and to remember that miracles happen all the time. You’ve heard the stories. Why couldn’t they be true for you or your loved one?

Remember to catch moments and appreciate the beauty that they offer. Lean into enchantment over fear. Rest into good enough and stop doing too much. Gentle yourself through the hard times. Remember, you are most worthy of your own love. And know that you are most certainly not alone in the struggles.

Thoughts?

How does this land with you? What are the ways you get back to your own business, your own center when life pulls you off? Please share in the comments. We learn together. We grow together. We find new ways when offered a fresh perspective.

And, if you would like to join Joanne Richards for her next (free program) Prescription for Peace on Saturday, December 10th, please register here. I find her offerings invaluable, and will be there! Maybe I'll see you! Who couldn't use a little more peace at this time of year?

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Recovery is Possible

6/5/2022

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By guest blogger, Cathy Taughinbaugh, Certified Parent and Life Coach

When my daughter emerged from recovery, I felt the relief of being able to let go of the stress and fear I had been feeling. The changes she'd made in her life lifted a weight off my shoulders.

I realized that I was now looking at a person who could overcome challenges, learn from life lessons, and have the discipline to stay on track. I felt a shift and the changes in her, yet there was the whisper of fear. As time went on, I found I could put those fears away and embrace the new possibilities of life.

Good News!

While you may have heard that addiction is a hopeless condition, the good news is that most people do find their way to recovery from substance use and overcome other problems getting in the way of living a healthy life.

Recovery for many means letting go of the devastating misuse of alcohol or other drugs that have derailed their lives.

When a loved one emerges from a substance use problem, families have many options. For example, some live with parents or other family members. Others live in a recovery house or transitional living. I have seen people change their lives and thrive against all odds. Many different paths can lead to living a healthier life. We need to embrace them all and support what works for our loved ones.

According to John Kelly, PhD, "In 2016, my colleagues and I surveyed another nationally representative sample. We discovered that the national prevalence of those in recovery is approximately 9.1 percent or 22.35 million U.S. adults. Nearly one in 10 persons in the U.S. has recovered or is recovering from a substance use disorder.”

Kelly goes on to say,” The statistics are tremendously encouraging about recovery. Still, it's important to recognize that the recovery change process is complicated. The journey to remission can be bumpy, and it can take a long time."

Yet, people's lives get better after working through a substance use problem. People in recovery from addiction will tell you that. Most who do recover go on to get a job, go back to school or give back to their community by volunteering. The more years a person has in recovery, the more their life improves.

Any positive change can bring excitement, coupled with the pride around the hard work that it took your loved one to make the change.

Change can be challenging. The temptation to fall back into old ways is always there. Yet as time goes on, the change process feels more comfortable and automatic. New habits become ingrained and that helps prevent relapse.

Families Recover

We are all recovering from something, and each family member can find their unique path to leading a better life, supporting their loved one's change, or learning new approaches to life for themselves.

For instance, my recovery was about letting go of focusing all my attention on our family's issues. I needed to learn to find myself again and regain the balance in my life.

As time went on, I put things into place that helped me, such as exercise, writing, yoga, and keeping friends and family close.

The more you support yourself and your loved one in this delicate process, the better. Family members can be a source of encouragement and hope for their loved ones. That support can be unique to your family, as everyone's recovery path is different.

Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

For anyone making a change, it takes time to get back to themselves. The exciting part is that your loved ones will be able to access the many possibilities for their lives as they move forward. It will be rewarding to observe your family's new direction.

And with any change comes the need for healing, compassion, and understanding.

It's crucial to stay connected to your loved one. Everyone needs a support system, especially when you are making a change in your life.

A support system will give you the mental and emotional nourishment to stay on track each day.

Everyone feels better when communication is open and positive. When people feel better, they tend to do better. Having a clear understanding of how others are doing and what you can do to help lays the foundation for change.

That includes noticing the hard work your loved one is doing to maintain their recovery, keeping your emotions in check, and taking time to listen without judgment.

Our brains start to look for the positive when we approach life, looking for possibilities rather than getting caught up in worrying about what could happen.

The shift in thinking can be contagious. The more you can support and encourage your family members, the better off your loved one will be.

Everyone will benefit if each family member can focus on themselves and how they can contribute in a helpful way.

You can stay connected to your loved one. You can be a positive influence and take care of yourself.

Finally, having a sense of gratitude for what is going well in your life also lights the flame of possibilities. Gratitude helps you notice what is going well in your life and keeps your mind on a positive track.

Recovery is possible for anyone. Know there is hope and that change is often right around the corner.

Cathy Taughinbaugh is a Certified Parent and Life Coach, and the author of The Compassion Antidote: A Path to Change for You and Your Child Struggling with Substance Use. You can find out more about Cathy’s work and book at her site: https://cathytaughinbaugh.com/

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Enabling & Why We Need to Lose this Term

4/6/2022

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When I look up the word “enable,” here’s what I find: From Merriam Webster dictionary
Enable en·able | \ i-ˈnā-bəl  \
Definition of enable - verb
1a: to provide with the means or opportunity (training that enables people to earn a living)
b: to make possible, practical, or easy (a deal that would enable passage of a new law)
c: to cause to operate (software that enables the keyboard)
Synonyms: allow, empower, let, permit

Sounds like a good thing, right? Supportive, forward-moving, and something that opens up possibilities. So, today’s Question (Almost) Everything question is how and why has “enabling” become a word that carries such negative connotations?

How is it that enabling has become such an ugly word, used to judge and shame family members of people with substance use disorder? This label is one that has caused too many people to agonize unnecessarily, primarily for fear of what others would think of them. Families have come to believe that any form of helping, even if it’s not a problem for them and even if what they are doing is supporting their loved one to move toward health or recovery, is enabling.

They worry and whisper in embarrassment, “I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I know I’m enabling. We’re making it too easy.” Even when the person struggling is facing very real natural consequences, like legal issues, loss of connection with other loved ones, loss of a job, family members somehow think they need to ensure they don’t make things “too easy.”

Helping is not enabling. Love is not enabling. Empathy is not enabling. Harm reduction is not enabling. Creating an environment of love and connection where a person has a chance at developing a foundation upon which to heal, grow, and find their way is not enabling.

Why we need to stop calling people “enablers?”

First of all, it's a label that lumps people into a category with preconceived notions that others have of them. When we use this word we add to the stigma and shame families already feel. This may lead them to further isolate and not get the help that they themselves need. It may cause them to go to the opposite extreme and completely cut off their loved one.

I have done that at times with my own son, in part because of the internal battle that led me to worry about what I should or shouldn't do, what was "right," what was "too much." Certainly the narrative that I bought into was part of what led me to believe that we had done all we could... which is why my son has been homeless too many times. I wish I had known better. I wish I had known that there was more that we could do to walk alongside him without abandoning our hearts and ourselves. I am grateful that we have a chance to do things differently now.

As Pam Lanhart, Director of Thrive Family Recovery Resources, shares, "We have to treat substance use like we would any other disease or disorder. If your child had cancer or other health issues, you wouldn’t just do nothing and not assist them when you can. A person would never be shamed or ostracized if they drove their loved one, say to the cancer clinic. Or if their daughter or son was ill and they loved them and gave them a bath and washed their back." No one would call that person an enabler because these are things people do for those they love and care about.

When people fear being “enabling,” they hold back from honoring their own values, their own heart, and their own instincts. They worry more about what others think than finding the path that makes sense for them, one moment at a time. They come to believe that acting in a caring way toward their loved one who struggles with substance use is wrong, and they may pull back, or push away their loved one.

And, in fact, the research shows that you can indeed effectively help someone struggling with substances. Family influence is a primary reason that people seek treatment. Family involvement and support is a key factor in recovery. We need to stop pushing families away from their loved ones.

Let's take back this term...

We in the recovery community want to enable life. We want to enable love. We want to enable connection and communication that creates a safe environment for recovery, while also establishing healthy boundaries and expectations. We want to enable recovery.

Let’s please stop using this word "enabling" in its current common shaming and judgmental tone and reclaim it for what it actually is - empowering and supporting. Let’s stop discouraging people from showing up for their loved one. Let's lose the closely related dangerous notion that a person has to hit rock bottom, which can too easily lead to death. What's often been called "enabling" may just help save a life. Let’s educate and empower people to find ways to help that may be more effective than what they’ve tried in the past. Let’s give them permission to try, to learn, to grow. Let’s support them to find a way to openly show their love and care for people they quite naturally care so deeply about.

For another perspective on this, I invite you to read Hearts at Work Family Recovery founder, Joanne Richards' post, "I'm enabling? Yes, yes I am!" And, another article about this: "I Have the Word "Enable:" Getting Shamed and Blamed when You Have a Child with Addiction."

If "enabler" is a term you've worried about, been assigned by others, or taken on yourself, what would it be like to take a step back and consider what this means to you? Can you take an honest assessment of your involvement and determine whether what you're doing is helpful and healthy, for all involved? Are you willing to find a way that works for your family, honoring who you are and where each of you is in this moment? Don't try to figure it out alone. If you're struggling, reach out and get help. There are groups like Thrive, counselors, and family coaches who can help you to find your way. It does not have to look like anyone else's way.

What would it be like to say, "I'm enabling my family to walk through this together from a place of love. I am getting support for myself and taking care of myself as I also love and care for my person. It's not an "either/or" proposition. We know we can't do this for them, but we will do what we can to support them to stay alive, to find hope, to have a chance at a better life. We are in this together." Here's a little music to support you on this long and winding road! MomPower Playlist

If you’d like to learn more about programs which understand the value of involved family members who are willing to learn how to engage in a loving and supportive way, or the research that supports family involvement in recovery, please check out Invitation to Change and CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Therapy). Online meetings based on the Invitation to Change and CRAFT models are offered through Thrive Family Recovery Resources.

I didn't plan for it to go this way, but I am seeing how this post ties in with earlier #AtoZChallenge - Question (Almost) Everything posts... Answers (Lie Within), Change, and How Do You Define Yourself? Tomorrow's post could also be applied to this exploration of Enabling.

Thoughts? Questions? Please share and let's grow together in our understanding as we work to shift a deeply ingrained cultural narrative.

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What Does it Mean to "Fill Your Own Cup?"

2/15/2022

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We hear it all the time… “You can’t pour from an empty cup!” And, no one disagrees. But, the problem with these simple pithy phrases is that we all know them, recite them and hear them with a “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know…” attitude, brushing the words off as quickly as they land on our ears. We don’t really take them to heart, and if we do, we think they’re meant for other people. In fact, we probably offer this sage advice without stopping to take a look at what it might mean to us in our world!

This might be especially important if you:
- live in service to others
- tend to over-give your time, energy, resources, and attention away to the point that you are feeling drained and depleted. You frequently give to and do more for others than you do for yourself.
- consider yourself to be codependent
- are grieving. Grief takes time and an enormous amount of energy and naturally saps you of your usual resources.
- live in a situation that brings a lot of chaos and unpredictability (or you’ve had a significant amount of this throughout your years).
- don’t allow others to support you, or even let them know what you need. Maybe asking for help feels too vulnerable or you aren’t even sure what you do need.
- are one of the many, many workers who don’t stop for a lunch break, who don’t really check out from work, even during “off work” hours or on vacation.
- are someone who feels guilty just considering taking time for yourself.
- are immersing yourself in good and important causes (think opioid epidemic, climate crisis, social injustice, anti-racism, to name a few of many).
- find yourself continually worrying and fretting about things that are out of your control or beyond your influence and you find the feeling of powerlessness only adds to your anxiety.
- have been a human on this earth for the past couple of years… yeah, you. This is for you!

Filling ourselves up, regularly and repeatedly, not just a few times a year with a retreat or vacation is critical. With the steady onslaught of anxiety-producing news and information coming at us, we need a consistent way to bolster ourselves up and resource ourselves. Living in a pandemic has exacerbated this need!

Living in a way that is sustainable, realistic, and enjoyable is worth aiming for. Otherwise, we become like a sieve that is leaking energy everywhere.

What will fill you up?
Let’s explore this a bit. Many people, including me, don’t have a lot of ideas. Do you know what is fun, relaxing, nourishing, restorative, or comforting for you?

If not, you might consider this list of Pleasant Activities (disregarding all that clinical stuff at the top – this is just for you!) and see which ones resonate with you. There are more than 130 ideas here, so if you need a kickstart to explore some fresh ideas, give it a go! We begin to be able to make changes when we get to know ourselves better!

When you engage in an activity or hang out with a certain person, does it leave you feeling energized or exhausted?

When you read or listen to something, what effect does that have on you? We have to digest everything we take in, so be sure you’re not adding to your own anxiety or exhaustion without even intending to.

There are 2 aspects to filling up:

Stop the leaking/fill the holes where you’re being drained – getting to know the places where you’re giving away more of yourself than you have to give and/or where you’re taking in stuff that sucks the life out of you (Less is More )
Adding something in to fill up again – we have a vital life force energy within us, this magical elixir of life – it can be replenished so finding practices, people, activities that give us a boost will help with this aspect. (Sometimes More is More)

Stopping the leaking and filling the holes – releasing and letting go:

What can you let go of? Here are a few ideas to get you started:

quiet the outer noise (other people’s opinions, ideas, and thoughts of who you should be and what you should do. Other people’s drama!)
stop ruminating on things that are not yours to fix or figure out. Things that are out of your control
stop feeding worry – if you’re a world class worrier like I am, worry will find you. You can’t control that. What you can control is how long you spend with it and how much you do to stir it up and amplify it.
let go of abandoning yourself… how often do you let your own needs, priorities, boundaries slip away in favor of what someone else needs or wants from you even if you had calendared yourself in? What might it look like to begin to make yourself a priority? Or to just be willing to consider making yourself a priority?

Adding in – finding those things you want more of to fill you with vital energy – asking, receiving, creating:

What might you like to bring in to help you fill up? Here are a few ideas to get you started:

throw a light novel into the mix if you tend to read heavy stuff or lots of personal growth books (not that I know anything about that!)
the arts! Poetry, music, dance, song, paint, write, or create and express just for the pure joy of creating and expressing!
nature! fresh air, sunshine, time with the pure simplicity of nature’s sounds and sights – drink in that beauty
pauses – allow time and space for healing, for rest, for gentle evolution
breath… more breath! And movement. Movement that is pleasurable or enjoyable to you!

I offer this reflection and inquiry with zero judgement and no shame. I am a work in progress in many of these areas myself (I am always writing about what I am learning!). We are all works in progress.

So, as you get curious, be gentle, come with tenderness, compassion, and understanding.

How might you nourish yourself, body, mind, heart, and soul? In this week of love, how might you weave in some self-love?

All of this boils down to deep, deep true self-care.

Self-care is the foundation upon which a life is built.
Without it, we will crumble from the inside out!

Your Invitation:
Take some time to reflect on any changes you might want to make in your life in order to fill your own cup. Pause and look at the clouds as you consider what it means to you to fill your cup and why it might be worth devoting some time to. Share your ideas and thoughts here! There is power in giving voice to your intention and being witnessed. And, you just might inspire someone else!!

For me… after writing draft one of this and before going on to editing or recording the accompanying meditation, I’m going to get outside, take a walk (because I’ve been sitting for too long), sit in the sun and listen to the birds and ocean waves while I watch the dogs play! I hope you find something equally relaxing!! (thought I'd share with you what I found!)

I invite you to practice Filling Your Cup with this meditation if you'd like!

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Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

12/21/2021

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As I revisit and revise this post, originally written for MomPower last year, I am sitting with some fresh, raw, and very deep sadness. I am grateful to re-read this message and take it into my own heart as I sit with myself with tears streaming down my face.

Today marks the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. On this darkest day of the year, the pivotal moment between dark and light, it is the perfect time to honor the darkness that has come into our lives. It is a time to honor those who have been lost and to remember them with love. It is a time to honor the struggle and the perseverance of those who are on a challenging journey and to honor ourselves and other loved ones who have also found a way through the darkness.

In honoring the darkness and in grieving the losses we have endured, we bring those moments into the light. When we bring them into the light, they are no longer hiding in the shadows, lurking in shame, or hidden in silence. We claim and name our experience. We see it for what it has been. We presence it.

When we do this, we are able to step forward into the light. Just as the days begin to get longer with a bit more light from tomorrow on, we too can begin to bring more light into our homes and our beings.

Addiction, cancer, mental illness (to name a few) are painful diseases, as you undoubtedly know. They affect everyone in their wake and can take down entire families with the weight of suffering.

However (and this is a big however), the journey from darkness to light does not have to take us out forever. It is possible to find hope, joy, peace, love, and to create a brighter tomorrow, even when we have been impacted by a loved one's disease.

If you are reading this, you are alive, and for that fact alone there is reason to celebrate. You have been given the opportunity to live one more day. What will you do with this one precious life you have been given? How will you set your soul free to express itself? What is uniquely yours to do?

Is there some way to honor your journey up to this very moment--the good, the bad, and the ugly, the full messiness of it all? The painful, the joyous, the fearfulness, and the hope? Whatever it’s looked like in the past, today marks a new day, albeit a short one. Tomorrow offers the light of fresh possibility, as each day does. How do you want to step into tomorrow?

If we are able to find a way to turn our pain (or darkness) into possibility (or light), we can transform these heavy experiences into something that serve and support us and others. We can show up for life more fully. We can become who we were born to be. With each loss I experience I also experience a fresh resolve to live this life even more fully.

Let’s face it, the past 2 years have carried a full load of darkness, collectively, along with anything that you might have experienced personally.

For many the holidays are emotionally-charged times and may bring in a healthy mix of emotions… sadness, joy, celebration, loneliness. I know I will be feeling both sadness for those who are not with us during this holiday season as well as joy and gratitude for those who are.

There is room for it all. When we allow ourselves to feel it all, to allow our hearts to carry this messy mix of what makes us human, we are able to move through it.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brene Brown

So, let this pivotal day be a day that marks the honoring of both the dark and the light. Let us take a step back and look at the big picture of our lives and recognize that our experiences have not been all good or all bad, but rather a mix of both.

These diseases can entomb us with their heavy cloak of darkness if we let them, but we can choose to lift up the corner of that cloak and peek outside. We can lay down the heaviness and step into the light. We get to choose.

We may well prefer the moments of lightness, light-heartedness, and light in general, but there is also a gift to receive during the dark and challenging times. We must be willing to sit with this part of our reality if we are to truly enjoy the light.

I have found that it is in the dark where I have grown the most. I wonder if that might be true for you as well. I offer you this poem for consideration.

The Places We Grow
It’s in the dark,
in the shadows,
where we stretch and grow.

We face ourselves
and see a new or forgotten aspect,
a piece we’d rather ignore or deny.

But there it is…
staring us down,
daring us to change,
to find a new way,
or to simply come into acceptance.

Sometimes it’s about overcoming
or adjusting.
Finding a way to do this with
love, compassion,
and gentle communion.

Honoring the self…
who I am,
where I am,
what I need,
what my baggage is.

And stepping into a deeper layer,
excavating and shifting,
allowing new light in,
and new hope out.

These are the places we grow –
often watered
and nourished with tears.
© Barb Klein, 2016, “The Places We Grow,” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

Where and how can you nourish yourself today? How might you allow some new light in--to your being, to your life? How can you allow a little more hope to shine into the world?

Begin by greeting yourself exactly where you are--gently, with tenderness, care, and compassion. Offer yourself the space and grace to feel into what’s alive within your heart at this moment. Ask your heart what it needs at this moment to be truly nurtured and nourished. Then respond accordingly. You deserve your own loving care.

We are on the cusp of a new year and we can only hope that 2022 is bringing with it new possibility, hope, and fresh beginnings. Today let’s pause. Let’s look at our lives and our loved ones with reverence. Let’s honor this journey where we have walked, crawled, and stumbled while we look ahead to the light of new creativity. Let’s let this darkest day of the year—December 21-- be a personal pivotal moment for us to enter an illuminated future.

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What Being in Recovery Means to Me

9/16/2021

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Young man (my son) dressed in Senior Ball suit kissing woman (me) in front of a tree

Me and my son 10 years ago (still one of my favorite moments that captures our joy and love)

September is National Recovery Month!

Recovery is possible for people with substance use disorder and for their families! And those things are not dependent on one another.

I am a family member in long-term recovery from the effects of my son’s substance use disorder.

What that means to me is that I have found a way to recover, reclaim, and live my life, while also loving my son. It means that my happiness, peace of mind, and well-being do not depend on his. It means I have accepted that we are separate individuals each walking our own journey and I can honor our paths and our bond. I am grateful to walk alongside him and for the depth of love this journey has brought forward for us.

It means that I am committed to living life fully, to embracing my days and showing up for my life, even on days when my son has struggled...even on days when I am struggling. It means taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time. It means that I have practices that help me to practice self-care and to be mindfully present - which means that I meet myself where I am honestly - some days are better than others. I am devoted to true self care as I define it: to be true to and gentle with myself one moment at a time.

It means remembering who I am and who he is before and beyond this disease. It means moving toward who we may become as we each heal and grow.

It means I have met some of the most amazing, sensitive, creative, wise, impactful , intuitive, generous and loving people who are on their own journey of recovery. They show me what’s possible and have opened my eyes and heart to the people they are beyond substance use disorder.

It means that I am committed to using the pain, lessons, love, compassion, and growth I have experienced to support others in their recovery, both family members and individuals.

It also means that I will join with other recovery advocates to break the silence and shatter the stigma around substance use disorder and call for love and compassion toward those impacted.
#recoverymonth #recoveryispossible
#familiesrecover

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The Cruelty of Skin Suits... and Radical Love

5/18/2021

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Skin Suits, pain, and grief...
In the show “The Good Place,” the leaders of the Bad Place devise ways to torture people. Perhaps their most cruel tactic was what they called “skin suits.” The torturers were hidden inside the body of someone you loved so that you’d be fooled into thinking they were safe, loving, there for you… and then they’d do something awful to you. You’d feel that internal confusion of “who are you? Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even recognize you…”

And it struck me how much this reflects what it’s like to love someone consumed by mental illness, substance or alcohol use, or dementia. On the outside the person still looks like our person, but on the inside, they’re not really there. We look into their eyes trying to connect, but we just can’t find them. They act in ways that the person we know and love never would. They do things that are hurtful to themselves and to us.

It’s sad and it’s lonely and it’s a unique form of grief to mourn the loss of someone who is still alive. To love this person deeply. To not have had a chance to say goodbye. To have moments of connection and clarity which bring with them a bit of hope… and then to have that hope crushed to the point where you don’t dare to feel it again.

Radical Love
What can we do when the person we see is so unfamiliar to us? So far from the person we’ve known them to be? Lost, even to themselves? We can turn to radical love. The love that carries us through impossible times and takes us to unimaginable places.

The terms “radical acceptance” and “radical empathy” have been shared in recent trainings. Tara Brach has written books titled, Radical Acceptance and Radical Compassion, so these radical terms are floating around, perhaps more and more frequently and more and more in a positive way.

What’s “Radical" All About?
So, let’s get curious… what is this “radical” all about?   Before I look it up (which I will), what comes to mind is a sense of extreme (it’s often connected to not such positive groups). In these cases of acceptance, compassion, empathy, and love which all represent qualities of kindness and care, it speaks to the times we show up in ways and at times we couldn’t believe possible. It speaks to a love that binds us even when our loved one doesn’t recognize us or isn’t available to connect with us in the way we long for. This, to me, is radical love.

Radical love holds you while you sit in the Emergency Room waiting room with your loved one in mental health crisis, feeling both the judgmental stares and the averted glances, feeling invisible and oh too visible all at once. Radical love walks with you through the razor wire fences to sit in the barren room on a cold hard plastic chair to visit with your child under the watchful eye of a correctional officer. Radical love breaks your heart open and brings tears at the smallest act of kindness in an unexpected place. It drives across country with you to visit your parent as they plot their escape from the memory care unit, and it helps you to feel both the sadness and the humor all at once.

Radical love allows you to see the humanity in the homeless person shuffling down the street. Radical love makes the sandwich that you hand to her, without judgment in your eyes. Radical love shows up to serve those who are too often overlooked and misunderstood.

Radical Love Reminds You That You Too Matter…
Radical love also reminds you that you too matter. That your well-being and sanity are worthy of your tender care. That it is ok to take a break, to take a breath, to tend to yourself. Radical love lifts the phone out of your hand, turns it off, and tucks you in so that you can get the rest you need to face the crisis that surely awaits. Radical love reminds you that it’s unsustainable to be all things to all people all the time, so it quietly lifts your cape from your shoulders and brings you a cup of tea.

Why is this love radical? Because we’re conditioned to make sure everyone else is ok, especially the people we love, especially when they are suffering or struggling. We’re not told that we too have needs or that even in the midst of heartache and despair you can also enjoy some time with a friend or dance with true joy or meditate in the forest.

Society tells us “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.” Or “You have to do something…” even if there’s really nothing you can do. Our beliefs keep us going even when we have nothing left to give. Radical love is needed to remind us that we’re no good to anyone if we’re depleted. It calls us to gentle ourselves and to forgive ourselves when we couldn’t make someone else change, when we couldn’t save a life. Radical love requires radical self-compassion as well as compassion and empathy for others.

The expert’s voice…
I promised I'd look it up, and I did. Merriam Webster defines radical as “very different from the usual or traditional: extreme.” I wonder what it will take for these acts of empathy, love, and compassion to become more usual or commonplace. I hope we can be part of this shift in a world that is crying for more of these qualities.

In her book, Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach describes it as “the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion.” She goes on to say that “Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening or intense. It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment’s experience. Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is.”

In Radical Compassion, she says it “…means including the vulnerability of this life – all life – in our heart. It means having the courage to love ourselves, each other, and our world. Radical compassion is rooted in mindful, embodied presence, and it is expressed actively through caring that includes all beings.” She writes, “I have to love myself into healing. The only path that can carry me home is the path of self-compassion.” How beautiful is that... loving ourselves into healing!

Today’s Invitation:
Today I invite you to explore these ideas for yourself… radical compassion, radical acceptance, radical empathy, and radical love. Let’s be EXTREME with scattering these ways of being. Where can you bring them into your world? What changes within you and in your experience when you do? How does it feel to approach yourself, others, and life from a radically kinder stance? I've recorded this meditation as a way to support you in stepping into this.

When you next encounter someone you care about and find they’re wearing a skin suit, see if you can look beneath the surface to find the soul within and love them anyway. It isn’t personal. They’re just not able to be who you know them to be in this moment. Maybe your remembering will help them to remember who they are one day… maybe your love will help you remember who you are.

Please let us know your thoughts and experiences. Let’s learn and grow together in a radical way!

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Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

12/21/2020

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Today marks the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. On this darkest day of the year, the pivotal moment between dark and light, it is the perfect time to honor the darkness that has come into our lives through addiction. It is a time to honor those who have been lost to the disease, to remember them with love. It is a time to honor the struggle and the perseverance of those who are on the journey of recovery, and to honor ourselves and other loved ones who have also found a way through the darkness.

In honoring the darkness and in grieving the losses we have endured, we bring those moments into the light. When we bring them into the light, they are no longer hiding in the shadows, lurking in shame, or hidden in silence. We claim and name our experience. We see it for what it has been. We presence it.

When we do this, we are able to step forward into the light. Just as the days begin to get longer with a bit more light from tomorrow on, we too can begin to bring more light into our homes and our beings.

Addiction is a painful disease, as you undoubtedly know. It affects everyone in its wake and can take down entire families with the weight of its suffering.

However (and this is a big however), the journey from darkness to light does not have to take us out forever. It is possible to find hope, joy, peace, love, and to create a brighter tomorrow, even when we have been impacted by addiction.

If you are reading this, you are alive, and for that fact alone there is reason to celebrate. You have been given the opportunity to live one more day. What will you do with this one precious life you have been given? How will you set your soul free to express itself? What is uniquely yours to do?

Is there some way to honor your journey up to this very moment--the good, the bad, and the ugly, the full messiness of it all? The painful, the joyous, the fearfulness, and the hope? Whatever it’s looked like in the past, today marks a new day, albeit a short one. Tomorrow offers the light of fresh possibility, as each day does. How do you want to step into tomorrow?

If we are able to find a way to turn our pain (or darkness) into possibility (or light), we can transform these heavy experiences into something that serve and support us and others. We can show up for life more fully. We can become who we were born to be.

Let’s face it, 2020 has carried a full load of darkness, collectively, along with anything that you might have experienced personally.

For many the holidays are emotionally-charged times and may bring in a healthy mix of emotions… sadness, joy, celebration, loneliness. I know I will be feeling both sadness for those who are not with us during this holiday season as well as joy and gratitude for those who are.

There is room for it all. When we allow ourselves to feel it all, to allow our hearts to carry this messy mix of what makes us human, we are able to move through it.

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brene Brown

So, let this pivotal day be a day that marks the honoring of both the dark and the light. Let us take a step back and look at the big picture of our lives and recognize that our experiences have not been all good or all bad, but rather a mix of both.

Addiction can entomb us with its heavy cloak of darkness if we let it, but we can choose to lift up the corner of that cloak and peek outside. We can lay down the heaviness and step into the light. We get to choose.

We may well prefer the moments of lightness, light-heartedness, and light in general, but there is also a gift to receive during the dark and challenging times. We must be willing to sit with this part of our reality if we are to truly enjoy the light.

I have found that it is in the dark where I have grown the most. I wonder if that might be true for you as well. I offer you this poem for consideration.

The Places We Grow
It’s in the dark,
in the shadows,
where we stretch and grow.

We face ourselves
and see a new or forgotten aspect,
a piece we’d rather ignore or deny.

But there it is…
staring us down,
daring us to change,
to find a new way,
or to simply come into acceptance.

Sometimes it’s about overcoming
or adjusting.
Finding a way to do this with
love, compassion,
and gentle communion.

Honoring the self…
who I am,
where I am,
what I need,
what my baggage is.

And stepping into a deeper layer,
excavating and shifting,
allowing new light in,
and new hope out.

These are the places we grow –
often watered
and nourished with tears.
© Barb Klein, 2016, “The Places We Grow,” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

Where and how can you nourish yourself today? How might you allow some new light in--to your being, to your life? How can you allow a little more hope to shine into the world?

Begin by greeting yourself exactly where you are--gently, with tenderness, care, and compassion. Offer yourself the space and grace to feel into what’s alive within your heart at this moment. Ask your heart what it needs at this moment to be truly nurtured and nourished. Then respond accordingly. You deserve your own loving care.

We are on the cusp of a new year and we can only hope that 2021 is bringing with it new possibility, hope, and fresh beginnings. Today let’s pause. Let’s look at our lives and our loved ones with reverence. Let’s honor this journey where we have walked, crawled, and stumbled while we look ahead to the light of new creativity. Let’s let this darkest day of the year—December 21-- be a personal pivotal moment for us to enter an illuminated future.

* Originally published in MomPower. org

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What Do You Love?

5/8/2020

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Image by congerdesign from Pixabay

Now wait… before you read on,… pause.   Take a breath. Maybe close your eyes and put your hands on your heart. Get curious. With an open mind and an open heart, ask, with genuine interest… what do I love? Then see what rises up. Be willing to be surprised. What DO you love??

Recently I posed this question to a group of women who may not often think about this, particularly in the context I asked it. Also, I asked it in the middle of a global pandemic at a time when many of us are feeling weary, worried, unsettled, and uncertain. I asked moms of kids who struggle with substance use disorder –what do you love about your son or daughter? What are their best qualities?

Lots of women replied, naming so many beautiful qualities their kids embody, acknowledging that it’s been awhile since they’ve reflected on these aspects of kids who are often associated with pain and struggle. Which was exactly my point in asking the question. Not to pretend that the horrendous experiences aren’t there, but to remember that beneath this disease, there is still a loving, caring, kind, humorous, creative, generous being.

If there is a person in your life with whom you have a challenging or complicated relationship, you might take a moment to consider what qualities you love in this person.

Why am I asking you now at a time when there’s so much we don’t like, so much we are worried, scared, or discombobulated about??

I find it really helpful to remember that the whole messy mix can be true at the same time. It’s not all or nothing, black or white, good or bad. Rarely does life present itself in a neat package despite our mind’s desire to simplify it that way.

We look at what we love, not to erase or to pretend that the painful, uncomfortable, less desirable things aren’t also here. We do this to see that there’s room for it all. That it can ALL be here, at the same time, in the same reality, in the same heart. We don’t have to choose what we hate or what we love, what we’re for or what we’re against, what we want to lean into or what we want to eradicate forever. We can be with it all. You can love the sunshine and warmth, remembering that beach in your happy place, even as you cringe at the snow that is here when it shouldn’t be!

It’s a simple practice to wonder and to notice from time to time. And, so, I ask you, even in your sadness, despair, worry, or fear, to consider, remember or discover the part of you that loves.

Right now… consider, what do you love?

About yourself? What are your best qualities? (let's start here... and, if you go no further, that will be more than enough!)

About the situation you find yourself in?

About life?

About the person or people who challenge you deeply?

What do you love to do? Eat? Experience?

Who do you adore, and what is it about them that you love?

What do you love to be? Do? Have?

Feel into it with all of your senses – what images, thoughts, scents, feelings emerge? What brings a smile to your face or lights you up inside?

What brings a sweet “aaahhhh….?”

For me, a few things that come to mind right now that I love are sunsets; lakes and oceans; “The Grinch;” Snoopy; the smell of a bonfire or fresh-baked bread; sunshine and warm, fresh air; laughter; deep honest connections; the smell of a horse farm and feeling my body sway with a horse; and helping other people light up!

Now, let's be honest... it might be way easier to know what we don’t like, what we wish were different, even what we hate… And if that’s where your mind goes, then start there. When we’re deep in the muck, it can be hard to see out. Then, take a moment and look at the flip side. The opposite of what you hate is likely what you love or what you’re longing for.

Let it all be here. There is no need to jump over the uncomfortable, the painful, the sad or scary to get to the happy, peaceful, joyful feelings. We have the capacity to hold it all in these hearts of ours.

When we can touch in with what we love, we soften, if only for a moment. Something inside of us stirs.   We awaken maybe a long-forgotten spark. We connect with something deep and true.

From this place, maybe we allow ourselves to dream or desire. Or maybe we allow ourselves to simply accept someone else as they are, even with the parts we don’t like or wish weren’t there. Maybe for a minute we are able to see the essential goodness in another person. Maybe we energize ourselves enough to take that next step.

What do you love?

Feel into it. Awaken your heart. And, then please share in the comments and let’s sprinkle some love around today!

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Out of the Darkness & Into the Light...

Mind Your Business

Recovery is Possible

Enabling & Why We Need to Lose this Term

What Does it Mean to "Fill Your Own Cup?"

Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

What Being in Recovery Means to Me

The Cruelty of Skin Suits... and Radical Love

Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

What Do You Love?

About me...

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