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Whims, What Ifs, and Wins

4/27/2022

4 Comments

 
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Whims
Oxford Languages defines a Whim as “a sudden desire or change of mind, especially one that is unusual or unexplained.” ("she bought it on a whim")

Reading that brings a sense of delight into my whole being and a smile to my face!  For some I imagine it might bring a different reaction.  However, as I reflect back on my life some of the very best things have happened “on a whim!” 

When I first thought about writing about this word for today’s #AtoZChallenge, I had the sense that the word is considered to be light, airy, and maybe fanciful – something not to be taken too seriously or even dismissed.  How does “whim” land for you? 

I’ll share just a couple of my big life whims (which also land solidly in my “win” column as things that fill me with such joy):

1. Buying my first horse, Sport, a semi-wild 5-year-old, breathtakingly beautiful grey Arab, who was very far from the ideal first horse…and yet, I had to have him.  I could feel it to my core – he excited me, he scared me, I had no idea how to work with him,he was too small and too excitable for the dressage showing I wanted to do.  And yet… my heart and soul knew we were meant to be together. 
     
At the time I was newly married. When I tried to do the logical thing of figuring out whether we            could afford him, it was clear that we could not – there was $16 left before groceries.  And yet… 
 
I was 25.  I had wanted a horse my entire life.  My husband was on board, even though it made no logical sense.  Somehow we found a way.   
 
It was one of the best moves of my life, and I have zero regrets, even though this choice certainly contributed significantly to the pile of debt we had to work harder to get out from under over the years.  You can see this beautiful creature and read our story in The Beauty of NOT being Logical!  Whims are NOT logical! 
 
2. Going alone to Australia for a 2-week writing cruise…  I am not an adventurous solo traveler.  When I could not find anyone to join me for this trip, I was ready to let it go. And yet (maybe these words are a sign of a whim!)… I could feel the longing, the desire, the need to go.  I couldn’t satisfy logical answers about why or what I expected to get.  I had never before agreed  to share a tiny box-like room with a stranger, and I was scared to death.  

And yet… I figured out how to make it happen. New Year’s Eve 2011 sent me off for one of the best adventures of my life.  I met people who are still dear to me. I connected with myself and fed my writer dream (though I still have not written the book that was stirring in me at that time).  Zero regrets.

I do many things “on a whim.”  When I see retreats, programs, teachers, or groups, I often seem to know immediately whether this is a “yes” or a “no.”  Often very big decisions happen on a whim, and in retrospect carry zero regret.  It was on a whim that I applied for and got my last full-time job at a time when I had no thought of going back to work.  Something inside of me knew the time was right to take this leap, even though I was largely unprepared! 

I am grateful my husband shares this spontaneity – most of our moves have been out of the blue, on a whim, and sometimes right after we declared we were not moving.  Actually, I met him on a whim – on a night I had sworn off men forever. 

So, are whims fanciful moves of the airheaded?  Or are they divine inspiration or soul guidance?  I have no idea what the right answer is, but from my perspective they are most assuredly guidance, intuition, knowing, and they lead me to such beautiful richness! 

What Ifs
Often times “what if’s” keep us stuck or paralyzed for fear of what might go wrong.  What if it doesn’t work out?  What if this was the wrong move?  And, don’t get me wrong, these questions live within me even in most of my whims… the bigger the decision the louder the what if!

What if we should wait?  What if that other program is better? What if our hearts aren’t big enough to love another child?  See how analysis paralysis could set in?  Waiting, worrying, looking for the perfect moment, wishing we could have certainty before making a move… we might never do anything! 

The closer we get to the thing that’s most important to the soul, the scarier it can be!  Some of my strongest anxiety has come in when things felt most right.  So strange, but maybe the intensity rouses the part that wants to keep us safe… anything to prevent a big mistake! 

And yet, what if we looked at our what if’s another way?  What if we could connect with the wonder, awe, possibility? What if this actually works out?  What if things are amazing? What if we dared to dream or hope?  These what ifs can pull us forward, even into the scary unknown, riding on the wings of hope and desire! 

Both sides of the what if are always available to us, because as we looked at in the recent post about Unknown and Uncertainty, no one can know with 100% certainty what the future holds.  So, we always have to be willing to weigh the risks, consider the pros and cons, and feel into whether something is a yes or a no for us.  With every excitement there is likely anxiety. 

Wins
When I think about wins, they have nothing to do with material gain, beating someone else out for something, or even necessarily having anything wonderful to show the world.  Sometimes I can’t prove a win to anyone.  Sometimes the win has nothing to do with the outcome and everything to do with how I showed up along the way. 

To me, a win brings a sense of contentment or fulfillment at a deep, deep level.  A win is when I feel in integrity, in alignment with my soul’s imperative. 

The whims I’ve shared here are all wins.  I’m sure there are others that haven’t gone so well, and it’s a win that they’re not coming to mind right now. 
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How about you?  What’s your relationship with whims, what ifs, and wins?  Please share. 


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4 Comments

Real Life, Reality, and Retreat

4/21/2022

10 Comments

 
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I often hear people say things like “back to reality…” or “back to real life” as if what they’re doing in that moment somehow isn’t real or doesn’t count. As if they’ve been enjoying “this,” whatever this is, too much, so it can’t possibly be real.  It’s been too relaxing, too peaceful, too gentle or loving. Too easy.  I hear it on retreat or on vacation or after a meditation.  And, in general it’s implied that real life seems to suck in comparison.

I often remind people on retreat, this is real too.  You are here, right now, and each one of us is real. This experience is happening.  On one retreat, our facilitator suggested that when we take the time to immerse ourselves more deeply in our meditation and writing practices, that we are more in touch with what’s real.  I think she’s right.  When we take the time to step away from the madness of the outside world and connect within, with our essential goodness, our wisdom, our guidance, that’s what’s real.  Not the many voices shouting at us or the steady stream of information bombarding us, but rather in that place where we have a chance, a hope of discerning for ourselves what resonates, what feels real. 

We seem to have this idea that real life is hard.  “Real life” is work, suffering, fighting, war, and pain.  And that anything other than that is somehow a dream or fantasy state.  No!  And, yes.  Real life does include all of the hard and painful things, and we can't turn a blind eye to them.  And, there's more... the hard and painful does not negate the beautiful and soft. Real life is so much more than an either/or proposition! We cannot know immense joy or deep love without also knowing profound sadness. 

Real life also includes quiet, stillness, beauty, and contemplation.  It includes time dedicated to fun or reflection.  Real life can be connecting with yourself and spending time on the things that deeply matter to you. Real life is falling over yourself, madly, deeply in love with another or laughing til the tears fly.  Real life is watching a baby sleep or holding your dying mother's hand.  

Real life doesn’t get much more real than the beauty of a forsythia coming into bloom, a hawk soaring across the blue sky, or the orange-pink canvas of the sun dipping below the horizon.  Nature exists beyond and in spite of our man-made constructs.

Some beautiful questions to ponder…
What if more of us realized and created real lives that were inspired, creative, peaceful, joyful, and loving?  What if kindness and gentleness were the values that ruled “real life?” What if that were enough?  What if that were more than enough and these qualities rippled out far and wide?

What if we dispelled the myth that real life sucks, is a heavy burden to be endured, and showed up to contribute to a better life?  What if we realized that together we are creating the real life that we experience and that how we show up matters? That our actions matter? That our choices matter?  Maybe then we could actually come together to work on things that need our loving care – things like the climate crisis, social injustice, the opioid epidemic, homelessness, and poverty. 

I guess we also need to remember that each one of us lives our own version of reality, influenced by the very tiny lens and unique filter through which we see and experience what’s going on. Know that each of us has been informed by our parents, our experiences, and our teachers.  We each have biases that drive our beliefs and behaviors. Maybe then we could get curious and genuinely desire to know what’s going on in your version of reality.  We could ask one another engaging questions, seeking clarity, seeking to understand, not necessarily to change our minds or views, but willing to do so.  We could listen.  Really listen – not to respond, but to hear, to consider, to wonder. 


Life is messy.  Human is messy.  And, real life encompasses it all. If I might invite in another R idea... may we have reverence for the complexity of it all.   
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What do you think?  Maybe I got swept away by yesterday’s post about Questions, but I can’t help but feel the possibility that wondering opens up.  The freedom that comes when we unbury ourselves from the heaviness that we have believed “real life” to be.  What thoughts do you have about reality, real life, and retreat?  Thanks for considering today's #AtoZChallenge reflection! 

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Obsession, Overwhelm, and Opening

4/18/2022

6 Comments

 
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Obsession
Ah, yes, Obsession – From Oxford Languages: ob·ses·sion – the state of being obsessed with someone or something.  "she cared for him with a devotion bordering on obsession"
- an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.
 
Waking this Saturday morning with the awareness of my own obsession.  Noticing how even something you’re passionate about can become too much.  Can lead to overwhelm.  Recognizing that when you work in a field that’s linked to a deep personal and ongoing experience, there often is no break. 
 
I live and breathe addiction and recovery.  I immerse myself in learning more, joining groups where I read and comment on people’s confusion, fear, anger, and loss. Not a day goes by where at least one parent shares the loss of their child. Every day is full of posts of people saying they can’t take it anymore, asking for advice from strangers who don’t know their family, but who are more than willing to chime in.   I extract myself from groups that perpetuate messages that I find harmful and unhelpful.  I stay in those that spread fresh ideas, compassion, and hope, but even those spaces can be too much. 
 
Many of the books spread around my home relate to the topic, reflecting my ever-present desire to learn and grow, to be the best mom, the best coach, and best support person I can be.  I want to know all there is to know in an unknowable field.  As I glance around and see the titles, I feel the weight.  It seems somehow the more I learn, the more inadequate I feel. 
 
Working for myself from home also contributes to this sense of overwhelm.  There’s never a distinct separation between work and home – no physical distance, especially in such a small space.  No clear ending time unless there are other plans.  It’s too easy for work thoughts, topics, programs, and conversations to seep into my “off hours.” 
 
Overwhelm
o·ver·whelm – verb - bury or drown beneath a huge mass.
Similar: swamp, submerge, engulf, bury, deluge, flood, inundate, clog, overload, overburden, bring someone to their knees
give too much of a thing to (someone); inundate.
"they were overwhelmed by farewell messages"
 
Phew, ok! Thanks, Oxford Languages for that clarity… yes, today, I feel the overwhelm brought on by my (very devoted and very well-meaning) obsession.  I feel a need to unbury myself, to emerge from the swamp, to unclog and unload the weight I’ve been carrying.   I have the ability to shut out the deluge of information and input.  I get to choose how I spend my time, where I devote my energy, what I read and listen to, and to pace myself in a way that feels sustainable and onward-leading.
 
Before I am brought to my knees, let me remember that I have the choice for how I spend my time, where I put my attention, and who and what I allow into the sacred spaces of my heart and mind. 
 
Opening
 
And, so my question for today’s #AtoZChallenge is: How can I create some space to nourish, nurture, and replenish myself?  Not just immediately, but on a more regular basis.  But, I’ll begin with today, this moment, because that’s what’s here.  Then I’m sure that will inform my consciousness about life overall. 
 
I need a break – a break that has nothing to do with travel or vacation; I have had plenty of that recently.  I need a break in my own head, heart, and home, so I am giving myself a two-day break this weekend (after this piece is written). 
 
Before I even wrote my morning pages, I deleted Facebook and Instagram from my phone for these days in order to resist the temptation to mindlessly grab, scroll, and get hooked in for an hour or more without even noticing.  I immediately felt lighter.  I know I might find myself checking the weather app more than usual, but that’s ok. It won’t hook me for too long! 
 
I put my phone on Do Not Disturb, allowing only calls and messages from immediate family and close friends to come through.  I need some breathing room.  I’ve been way too cranky lately, on edge, unsettled… feel like I’m caving in on myself. 
 
Thankfully some spark of inspiration showed me the way out!  Thankfully, I remember that I’m in charge of my schedule and my environment.
 
I will choose to spend time doing things that uplift and inspire me.  I will choose time with people I enjoy, doing things that are fun and unrelated to work.  If I read, it will be a novel.  If I listen, it will be to dance or sing or be inspired.   If I watch, it will be to laugh or to cry, but it will be for pleasure (yes, I do love a good cry). 
 
I will bake, I think.  It’s a grey rainy, almost snowy day here, and so filling our home with warmth and good smells of cookies or corn bread sounds wonderful. We will cook a nice meal to enjoy with our son.  I will change the tablecloth from fall colors to butterflies – that alone lightens up the space.  I will clear the counter of its excess.  Why do horizontal surfaces so quickly and easily get cluttered?  Why are they so inviting for all the things I can’t immediately decide what to do with? 
 
I will also work with my husband to continue cleaning and clearing space.  We both feel the Springtime desire to purge.  We need more room to breathe.  There is simply too much stuff in this space.  Sometimes I enjoy going through my wardrobe, dresser, and drawers to find what is ready to leave us.  Something that will delight someone else, and choosing to let it go.  That energy is alive within me this season, so I want to lean into it and let it support me in making the tough choices to release and let go. 
 
I will devote time for practices that nurture my soul.  Meditation has somehow slipped to the wayside too often lately.  Tai Chi too.  Yoga far too seldom.  I need to flood myself with these things that calm my nervous system, that soothe my soul, that relax and restore me.  Instead of 20 minutes doom scrolling, don’t you think I’ll feel better if I come into gentle presence with myself?  I do! 
 
So, how about you?  Where do you feel overwhelm?  Any obsessions that are getting more of your time and energy than they deserve?  How might you create a little spaciousness in your heart, mind, and home?  What is opening for you?  


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G is for Good Enough

4/8/2022

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​So, let me preface this post by telling you I was raised by a man who taught me never to settle.  If I got an A, it was “Why wasn’t it an A+?”  I truly think he believed something horrible would happen if we let down, relaxed, or didn’t push ourselves as hard as we could.  The conditioning runs deep.  It felt like nothing would ever be good enough. 

Operating from this viewpoint can lead us to live in a way that isn’t sustainable and is very rarely satisfying.  You always feel like there’s something more to achieve or prove.  You keep raising the bar on yourself, not even pausing long enough to notice what you have accomplished.   Always striving, driving, and pushing… 

To get to a point of adulthood and realizing that I get to decide what’s good enough has taken some work! 

I remember hearing “Good is good enough” in 2014 at my first women’s retreat with Renee Trudeau.  It caused me to pause.  What does that even mean?  I see the freedom from perfectionism it offers, but how do you get to a place of peace within yourself?  How do you define for yourself what IS good?  And, how do you really know if it is enough? 

As a young married woman and mom, I was often embarrassed to have people come into the house because it wasn’t clean enough or decorated well enough or picked up enough, and so I didn’t invite people over unless they were already good friends.  I couldn’t meet the idealized standard that I had set for myself and so I just denied myself company, fearing judgment that would likely not have been as harsh as my own. 

I judged myself critically in parenting and work – always looking toward some invisible, undefinable, and probably unachievable objective.  Until at some point in the past few years I stopped doing that (as much). I'm a work in progress and often need other people to help me see how hard I am on myself. 

In her book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate, and Re-Balance Your Life, Renee Trudeau has an entire chapter devoted to this idea that “Good is Good Enough!”  (By the way, where was this book when I was a young mother??  I didn’t find it or her until I was almost 50!  Could have used a healthy dose of that much earlier in my parenting!).  In this section, Renee says, “Part of being able to relax into a mentality of ‘good is good enough’ is understanding where your priorities lie.  We have a finite amount of energy to devote to what’s really important to us.”  So true! 

As you look at your own life, are you allocating your energy according to what’s most important to you or are there things that are taking your time, resources, and energy that really don’t deserve it?  It’s worth a moment to take an honest assessment and see what you notice.  Then adjust as necessary.  If relationships are a top value but most of your time is spent on cleaning or work, where might you change things up?

Where in your life would you like to play with the idea that “good is good enough” and allow yourself a little more grace?  Can you lower the bar for yourself instead of continually raising it? I've also learned that "done is better than perfect," which helps me to keep going with things like this challenge!

We are often our own harshest critics, demanding more than is reasonable from our human selves.  When you notice yourself treating yourself this way, can you bring in some self-compassion, gentleness, and kindness?  Permission to let go of striving for unattainable perfection!  Permission to stop pushing so hard and to relax and enjoy this one precious life (not that you need my permission!). 

Side note... I find it fascinating that when I first tried, this post wouldn't let me schedule it, but posted immediately.  Then I realized I had entered the date wrong! Hmmm... good is good enough, I guess.  😂

What do you think?  #AtoZChallenge – Question (Almost) Everything

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The Heart Revolution has Begun...

3/3/2022

6 Comments

 
PictureDrew a heart in the sand to mark the moment - BFK + TFK 3-2-22
Two posts in two days!?  What??  Yup!  This one couldn’t wait – it’s bursting to be shared! (I think maybe, just maybe the heart revolution which I invited you to join yesterday has begun – I can feel it!).

Ah, I have to say, yesterday was absolutely perfect… even though Mary’s dead, Nate’s in the hospital, Adam wasn’t here, and I could “only” share the day with Tom.  It was amazing and my heart is still bursting to overflowing. 

Even though there were no gifts to unwrap, no cards to open, no flowers to receive.  It was absolutely perfect.  Why? Because I felt loved – because I loved myself and showed up for me and asked for what I wanted (pretty uncomfortable and not always the norm).  Because we created a glorious, heartfelt, magical day. 

And the moments matter way more than a mountain of material things ever could.

I got to be with Tom.  I got to talk to Nate, Adam, and Steve, and listen to messages from Mindy and Kare – and, even though they were the only ones who called, that was enough.

And, here’s the thing. I KNOW my experience in this moment could be vastly different if I narrowed my focus onto what wasn’t rather than what was.  What was missing or lacking rather than everything that filled my heart.  It’s an unwritten rule in my life that cards matter, and yet, there was not one single card, even from Tom.  But, what I had instead was his complete, undivided attention for an entire day, from sunrise til bedtime.  I’ll take it! 

Now, I can write about this because I allow myself to notice and to choose what I focus on – what really matters.  Time – wild horses – blue sky and sunshine – bird song, a starlit night, the sweetness of a loved one’s voice or message (and the effort they took to let me hear it or feel it).  Money can’t buy these things and these things bring tears of gratitude and break open my heart… Truly.

This is not me settling or compromising or making things be ok.  This is me landing solidly in a deep, deep contentment that life is so very good event though not every bit of it might be exactly perfect on the surface.   In my heart and soul it is absolutely Divine, heavenly, magical, and I am so grateful.

Maybe this is the wisdom of the years or the heavens speaking in this moment.  Tomorrow I might be a resentful bitch about something else, but it won’t be about my birthday.  Honestly, it was the best birthday ever because:
A. We created a day for me – that made one more of my little girl dreams come true – I got to see wild horses!!
B. No work. No productivity.  No squeezing one thing in even on the drive. Only time for what really mattered – delight, connection (with Tom and also through birthday messages via text, Messenger, email and Facebook), and
C. I let more of me free into the world with yesterday’s Heart Revolution newsletter and blog, which felt risky and was well-received, at least by some. 

Birthday Mantras: 
Tom asked me if I had any birthday mantras.  I said, “To take nothing for granted and to be more me!”  To choose to savor life – truly from deep within my heart.  To choose to just live and enjoy as many moments as possible, and to savor life’s sweetness and focus there.  To risk being called Pollyanna or too positive or pissing people off who would rather I hide my joy. 

This is the ground I stand on.  One where I don’t need to hide away my joy or delight.  One where I can dance and sing when I hear great music, even if it’s in a restaurant or on the beach or mall in a crowd of people.  One where I smile and tell a stranger I love her shirt or offer to help someone.  One that deepens connection because I am not locked away in my own discontent. 

Does this mean I won’t ever feel sad or angry or disappointed?  Does it mean that my heart isn't also breaking for the people who are suffering? Does it mean I'm not seething with anger at unjust acts of war? Hell no!  It means my heart can hold it all. It means from this heart-centered place I am grounded and ready to act.  It means that fierce compassion can rise up to take the steps that are mine to take.  

I will more honestly, more openly, more fully feel all that I feel and then decide where to dwell – which feelings to hang out with and for how long.  I will choose what actions are mine to take. 

And, you might say, “But, clearly you were disappointed with no cards or you wouldn’t have mentioned it.”   And I say with full honesty, and not to convince anyone, “No. That was just my mind noticing the story that I’ve lived with all these years, and my heart is discovering a new reality, a new truth.  I’m actually not disappointed at all.  In fact, quite the opposite.  I don’t care if Hallmark ever makes one more cent on a card for me!”  I am so very happy and grateful and I choose what’s good, what’s right in life.  That’s where I want to hang out. 

I am just not going to hold back any more.  Unlocking me feels so very good, and I do believe it’s part of this heart revolution. I hope you join me in setting yourself just a little more free today! This is what's possible when you do!  

Some Songs to Support this Feeling: 
Oh, and here's this morning's playlist to reinforce all of this! (You want another way to tap the wisdom of the Universe?  Create a playlist that awesomely fills your heart and put it on shuffle!  Amazing what comes through at just the right time!) Click the links for today's songs.  Enjoy!! 

All My Life - Linda Rondstadt and Aaron Neville (an anthem of our relationship) 
You'll Never Walk Alone - Marcus Mumford
Both Sides Now - Judy Collins (listen to the words... perfect accompaniment!) 
What Light - Wilco (thanks, Carol Moon, for this gem!)
Here We Go - WILD  (thanks, Jen Louden!) 
 

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Wild Horses on Cumberland Island, GA
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Birthday sunset from Saint Mary's, GA (of course, St. MARY's!)
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What Being in Recovery Means to Me

9/16/2021

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Young man (my son) dressed in Senior Ball suit kissing woman (me) in front of a treeMe and my son 10 years ago (still one of my favorite moments that captures our joy and love)
September is National Recovery Month!

Recovery is possible for people with substance use disorder and for their families! And those things are not dependent on one another.

I am a family member in long-term recovery from the effects of my son’s substance use disorder.

What that means to me is that I have found a way to recover, reclaim, and live my life, while also loving my son. It means that my happiness, peace of mind, and well-being do not depend on his. It means I have accepted that we are separate individuals each walking our own journey and I can honor our paths and our bond. I am grateful to walk alongside him and for the depth of love this journey has brought forward for us.

It means that I am committed to living life fully, to embracing my days and showing up for my life, even on days when my son has struggled...even on days when I am struggling.  It means taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time.  It means that I have practices that help me to practice self-care and to be mindfully present - which means that I meet myself where I am honestly - some days are better than others.  I am devoted to true self care as I define it: to be true to and gentle with myself one moment at a time.  

It means remembering who I am and who he is before and beyond this disease.  It means moving toward who we may become as we each heal and grow.  

It means I have met some of the most amazing, sensitive, creative, wise, impactful , intuitive, generous and loving people who are on their own journey of recovery. They show me what’s possible and have opened my eyes and heart to the people they are beyond substance use disorder.

It means that I am committed to using the pain, lessons, love, compassion, and growth I have experienced to support others in their recovery, both family members and individuals.

It also means that I will join with other recovery advocates to break the silence and shatter the stigma around substance use disorder and call for love and compassion toward those impacted.
#recoverymonth #recoveryispossible
#familiesrecover

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Disappointing People

8/4/2021

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One thing I love about Glennon Doyle is that she is NOT afraid to address hard things or put radical ideas out there that take our breath away!  One that has stayed with me since reading Untamed is this: In a conversation with her middle-school aged daughter, Tish, when Tish was worrying about not choosing to join a club that her brother wanted her to, Glennon sagely advised, “Then don’t.”  “But I don’t want to disappoint him.”  What followed brings me to tears every time I really take it in. Here’s Glennon to Tish:
“Listen.  Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else.  Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself…Especially me.” 

Whew!  Woah!  Let me catch my breath and let’s look at that.  I certainly didn’t have a mother who encouraged me to disappoint anyone, especially her (not that she was openly disappointed with me often, but this was not the rule of the game of life). 

I do not read this as a directive to set out to hurt others or to intentionally see how many people you can disappoint.  But I do see it as an opportunity to not abandon, sacrifice, or disappoint yourself, which I think we do way too frequently without giving it a second thought.  This is an invitation to possibly get really uncomfortable as you find a new way to be in the world. 

How often do you set your needs or desires aside because of what someone else needs or wants?  How often do you think nothing of disappointing yourself?  Honestly...
  

Last week I wrote about being true to yourself as part of my definition for self-care in A Fresh Take on Self-Care.  Being true to ourselves, honoring ourselves, is at the heart of true and deep self-care.  It is also key to being in integrity. 

And, listen, sometimes when we are true to ourselves, when we make a decision that honors our sweet heart, body, or soul, someone we care about very much might be disappointed.  When we say “no” to an invitation or opportunity.  When we refuse a request because we just don’t have it in us or it doesn’t feel right at this moment.  When we say “yes” to something that conflicts with another’s desire, we will disappoint someone else. 

Life is full of choices.  Every “yes” is a “no” to something else, and so there are lots of opportunities for disappointing someone! 

When you make a choice to leave a job, end a relationship, sell the family home, move far away from all your people, say “no” to helping, etc… someone will likely be sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed. 

What happens inside you when you consider disappointing someone you really care about?  How does that feel in your body? 
What is the story you tell yourself about who you would be if you disappointed another person? 


I don’t know about you, but I get a little queasy.  I may have a story that this isn’t what a “nice person” or a “good mother/daughter/sister/friend” does.  I might try to dance around making that decision.  I will surely delay as long as possible.  I will consider heavily just giving in or settling for what they want, because it feels easier.  It feels familiar.  It’s what I’ve done for decades.  Far easier to disappoint me – then I only have to deal with myself! 

I wish I had had a parent who gave me permission or even implored me to disappoint others in order to avoid hurting my own heart or spirit.  I wish I had been that mother for my kids… I wasn’t, but I’m getting there.  I feel the strength and freedom in the incredible gift Glennon gave her daughter in this moment.  One small conversation with a middle school girl gave her permission to follow her own path, to trust her heart, to honor her joy.  Whewie!  Let’s have more of that please! 

I haven’t yet explicitly shared it with my young adult kids, but I hope to.  I want to set them free of needing to be or do anything for me (or anyone) that goes against their spirit. 

Your turn to reflect…

~ What is the cost of disappointing yourself to avoid disappointing others? 
~ How do you get clear about making a decision that is FOR you even if it seems to be against someone else?  What if there’s more to it (because there always is)?
~ How can you take a stand for yourself, have your own back and communicate your message in a way that is clean, clear, and straightforward? 
~ What helps you to make these choices, even when they are painfully hard? 
~ When have you had to do this and how has it worked out for you?  What are the upsides of disappointing others to avoid disappointing yourself? 
~ How might you play with this idea?  Who might you share it with?  Who might you free? 

Please share.  Please share your reflections and thoughts about this whole idea…  it’s a dicey one!  And one that feels like a really important game-changer in this thing called life. 
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Stay tuned for next week’s post with more thoughts about making these tough decisions!  


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A Vow

1/1/2020

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Often in our lives we make vows that serve to keep us safe or comfortable, but don’t really serve us in the grander scheme of things… vows like, “I’ll show them!”  “I will NEVER be like _______!” (likely someone who probably has some good qualities as well as whatever you are reacting to right now). “ I am not someone who ______!” (takes a risk that might actually bring joy or peace). “I will never love again!”  “This is just who I am.”  You get the idea…  do you have any of these? 

This morning I awoke with a strong vow brewing within me, needing to be expressed.  This is what it is  – I vow to bring something positive out of our experience with addiction into this world.  And, more importantly, I vow that addiction will NOT take my life, regardless of what it does to my son.  It does not have to break me, shatter me, or my world. 

This came to me almost as a promise to my son as I reflected on people I love, people who are my teachers – this journey will not be for nothing.  I feel a strong awareness and strength that I am still here.  I am still standing…despite many years of turbulence. I will do something positive and not let this monster destroy me, destroy us.  I am taking a stand for my life, my marriage, my work, and my larger family.  This is a stand I can take against this beast which seeks to consume and destroy my son, as well as everything in its wake. 

​I get to draw the line on where its damage stops.  It does not get to take everything from me.  Period.  That is within my control.  I do not have the disease.  It is not coursing through my veins and brain, and it does not get to define me or my life. 

This feeling is strong and vital as it surges through me – this life force energy that declares, “I will live.  I will thrive.  You cannot take me too.”  It’s not an angry reactive feeling, but rather a deeply calm, clear, and oh-so-strong knowing deep, deep, deep in my soul.  

I have purpose.  I have passion, and I will embody them and be a light in this world.  A lighthouse.  A beacon for those who are lost in stormy waters.  I do not have to go down with my son, and I most certainly will not, no matter how many times it beats at my shores, knocks me down, tears at my heart.  Again, and again I will stand – I will rise again and lift others up as we stare down this beast, and say, “NO!  Your damage stops here!” 

Well, all righty then… happy New Year!  Here I am world!  Apparently writing my manifesto for the decade… The power in this image and these words is palpable.  I am here. I am alive. I claim my life and step boldly, strongly into 2020, this year, this decade, this next day of my life. 

That’s all each of us is asked to do in any given moment – just show up.  Don’t give up.  Don’t hide out.  Show up.  The world needs what each of us has to bring and no one else has what you have to offer.  Your experiences, your vision, your words, your creativity – uniquely yours and deeply needed.  It doesn’t matter what’s already been said or done… no one else has done or ever will do what YOU have to offer.  There is only one _____________ (insert your name here), and there will never be another like you. 

We each have demons and things that threaten our well-being, peace of mind, and happiness.  What are yours and what stand do you want to take on behalf of yourself this day? 

As for me?  I vow to make this life matter.  I vow to take what I’ve learned from some of my most painful experiences and offer them as hope, strength, and inspiration.  And, I vow to enjoy my life – to live while I can, with no waiting.  I will be brave and courageous and wholehearted in my living – thank you, Brene´ Brown for that inspiration!  I am here and I choose to live! 

How about you? 
​As you step into this day, this new year, this new decade, what vow will you make as a heart promise to yourself?  Where can you be a light? Please drop me a note or share below.  I’d love to hear!  Together we help each other to see possibilities we may not have imagined before.  I stand beside you as we journey boldly into this new moment.  
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Do You Feel Free?

7/1/2019

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I woke one morning last week clearly hearing this question in a woman’s voice in my head: “Barb, do you feel free?”  It has stayed with me since then.  It’s hung around because I’m not sure how to answer it.  In many ways, yes, I absolutely feel very free.  And then there are the ways I don’t… the ways I hold myself back and the reasons I do.  The things I let stop me.  The beliefs behind those decisions.  The people I care about and what I think they need from me.  Responsibilities, obligations, and commitments.  Financial realities.  Rules and laws. 

What does “free” even mean?  Apparently that’s a great question since Merriam-Webster has 15 definitions, many with their own sub-definitions…  Take a look and see which ones you are curious about.

The one thing that helps me to feel free is to remember that I am always at choice -- as long as I am willing to accept the consequences of my choice.  I don’t get to choose how other people behave, but I am not powerless about how I respond.  I get to decide what my role will be, what words I will say and what actions I will take.

I don’t get to choose my feelings – they come in without warning quite naturally. But I do get to choose what I do with those emotions.  How I respond, how much weight I give them, how long I stay with them.

I do have choice, even though I may not realize it in the moment. 
Freedom to choose is paramount.
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I think I’ll spare you further musings while I continue to ponder this question that is landing deep in my being and invite you to join me. 

Do you feel free?  What does “free” mean to you and how do you know if you are or aren’t?  Where do you feel free?  Where do you feel trapped or powerless?  How might you bring in some more freedom to your days?  Why is free important?  What would life be like if you were free? 

Here’s one of my favorite songs to accompany you as you explore. 


Please, please share in the comments below.  This feels like a rich conversation! I look forward to hearing your insights and thoughts. 

Thanks for playing!  

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com