Inspired Possibility Blog

What Being in Recovery Means to Me

9/16/2021

Young man (my son) dressed in Senior Ball suit kissing woman (me) in front of a tree

Me and my son 10 years ago (still one of my favorite moments that captures our joy and love)

September is National Recovery Month!

Recovery is possible for people with substance use disorder and for their families! And those things are not dependent on one another.

I am a family member in long-term recovery from the effects of my son’s substance use disorder.

What that means to me is that I have found a way to recover, reclaim, and live my life, while also loving my son. It means that my happiness, peace of mind, and well-being do not depend on his. It means I have accepted that we are separate individuals each walking our own journey and I can honor our paths and our bond. I am grateful to walk alongside him and for the depth of love this journey has brought forward for us.

It means that I am committed to living life fully, to embracing my days and showing up for my life, even on days when my son has struggled...even on days when I am struggling. It means taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time. It means that I have practices that help me to practice self-care and to be mindfully present - which means that I meet myself where I am honestly - some days are better than others. I am devoted to true self care as I define it: to be true to and gentle with myself one moment at a time.

It means remembering who I am and who he is before and beyond this disease. It means moving toward who we may become as we each heal and grow.

It means I have met some of the most amazing, sensitive, creative, wise, impactful , intuitive, generous and loving people who are on their own journey of recovery. They show me what’s possible and have opened my eyes and heart to the people they are beyond substance use disorder.

It means that I am committed to using the pain, lessons, love, compassion, and growth I have experienced to support others in their recovery, both family members and individuals.

It also means that I will join with other recovery advocates to break the silence and shatter the stigma around substance use disorder and call for love and compassion toward those impacted.
#recoverymonth #recoveryispossible
#familiesrecover

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Disappointing People

8/4/2021

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One thing I love about Glennon Doyle is that she is NOT afraid to address hard things or put radical ideas out there that take our breath away! One that has stayed with me since reading Untamed is this: In a conversation with her middle-school aged daughter, Tish, when Tish was worrying about not choosing to join a club that her brother wanted her to, Glennon sagely advised, “Then don’t.” “But I don’t want to disappoint him.” What followed brings me to tears every time I really take it in. Here’s Glennon to Tish:
“Listen. Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself…Especially me.”

Whew! Woah! Let me catch my breath and let’s look at that. I certainly didn’t have a mother who encouraged me to disappoint anyone, especially her (not that she was openly disappointed with me often, but this was not the rule of the game of life).

I do not read this as a directive to set out to hurt others or to intentionally see how many people you can disappoint. But I do see it as an opportunity to not abandon, sacrifice, or disappoint yourself, which I think we do way too frequently without giving it a second thought. This is an invitation to possibly get really uncomfortable as you find a new way to be in the world.

How often do you set your needs or desires aside because of what someone else needs or wants? How often do you think nothing of disappointing yourself? Honestly...

Last week I wrote about being true to yourself as part of my definition for self-care in A Fresh Take on Self-Care. Being true to ourselves, honoring ourselves, is at the heart of true and deep self-care. It is also key to being in integrity.

And, listen, sometimes when we are true to ourselves, when we make a decision that honors our sweet heart, body, or soul, someone we care about very much might be disappointed. When we say “no” to an invitation or opportunity. When we refuse a request because we just don’t have it in us or it doesn’t feel right at this moment. When we say “yes” to something that conflicts with another’s desire, we will disappoint someone else.

Life is full of choices. Every “yes” is a “no” to something else, and so there are lots of opportunities for disappointing someone!

When you make a choice to leave a job, end a relationship, sell the family home, move far away from all your people, say “no” to helping, etc… someone will likely be sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed.

What happens inside you when you consider disappointing someone you really care about? How does that feel in your body?
What is the story you tell yourself about who you would be if you disappointed another person?

I don’t know about you, but I get a little queasy. I may have a story that this isn’t what a “nice person” or a “good mother/daughter/sister/friend” does. I might try to dance around making that decision. I will surely delay as long as possible. I will consider heavily just giving in or settling for what they want, because it feels easier. It feels familiar. It’s what I’ve done for decades. Far easier to disappoint me – then I only have to deal with myself!

I wish I had had a parent who gave me permission or even implored me to disappoint others in order to avoid hurting my own heart or spirit. I wish I had been that mother for my kids… I wasn’t, but I’m getting there. I feel the strength and freedom in the incredible gift Glennon gave her daughter in this moment. One small conversation with a middle school girl gave her permission to follow her own path, to trust her heart, to honor her joy. Whewie! Let’s have more of that please!

I haven’t yet explicitly shared it with my young adult kids, but I hope to. I want to set them free of needing to be or do anything for me (or anyone) that goes against their spirit.

Your turn to reflect…

~ What is the cost of disappointing yourself to avoid disappointing others?
~ How do you get clear about making a decision that is FOR you even if it seems to be against someone else? What if there’s more to it (because there always is)?
~ How can you take a stand for yourself, have your own back and communicate your message in a way that is clean, clear, and straightforward?
~ What helps you to make these choices, even when they are painfully hard?
~ When have you had to do this and how has it worked out for you? What are the upsides of disappointing others to avoid disappointing yourself?
~ How might you play with this idea? Who might you share it with? Who might you free?

Please share. Please share your reflections and thoughts about this whole idea… it’s a dicey one! And one that feels like a really important game-changer in this thing called life.

Stay tuned for next week’s post with more thoughts about making these tough decisions!

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A Vow

1/1/2020

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Often in our lives we make vows that serve to keep us safe or comfortable, but don’t really serve us in the grander scheme of things… vows like, “I’ll show them!” “I will NEVER be like _______!” (likely someone who probably has some good qualities as well as whatever you are reacting to right now). “ I am not someone who ______!” (takes a risk that might actually bring joy or peace). “I will never love again!” “This is just who I am.” You get the idea… do you have any of these?

This morning I awoke with a strong vow brewing within me, needing to be expressed. This is what it is – I vow to bring something positive out of our experience with addiction into this world. And, more importantly, I vow that addiction will NOT take my life, regardless of what it does to my son. It does not have to break me, shatter me, or my world.

This came to me almost as a promise to my son as I reflected on people I love, people who are my teachers – this journey will not be for nothing. I feel a strong awareness and strength that I am still here. I am still standing…despite many years of turbulence. I will do something positive and not let this monster destroy me, destroy us. I am taking a stand for my life, my marriage, my work, and my larger family.  This is a stand I can take against this beast which seeks to consume and destroy my son, as well as everything in its wake.

I get to draw the line on where its damage stops. It does not get to take everything from me. Period. That is within my control. I do not have the disease. It is not coursing through my veins and brain, and it does not get to define me or my life.

This feeling is strong and vital as it surges through me – this life force energy that declares, “I will live. I will thrive. You cannot take me too.” It’s not an angry reactive feeling, but rather a deeply calm, clear, and oh-so-strong knowing deep, deep, deep in my soul.

I have purpose. I have passion, and I will embody them and be a light in this world. A lighthouse. A beacon for those who are lost in stormy waters. I do not have to go down with my son, and I most certainly will not, no matter how many times it beats at my shores, knocks me down, tears at my heart. Again, and again I will stand – I will rise again and lift others up as we stare down this beast, and say, “NO! Your damage stops here!”

Well, all righty then… happy New Year! Here I am world! Apparently writing my manifesto for the decade… The power in this image and these words is palpable. I am here. I am alive. I claim my life and step boldly, strongly into 2020, this year, this decade, this next day of my life.

That’s all each of us is asked to do in any given moment – just show up. Don’t give up. Don’t hide out. Show up. The world needs what each of us has to bring and no one else has what you have to offer. Your experiences, your vision, your words, your creativity – uniquely yours and deeply needed. It doesn’t matter what’s already been said or done… no one else has done or ever will do what YOU have to offer. There is only one _____________ (insert your name here), and there will never be another like you.

We each have demons and things that threaten our well-being, peace of mind, and happiness. What are yours and what stand do you want to take on behalf of yourself this day?

As for me? I vow to make this life matter. I vow to take what I’ve learned from some of my most painful experiences and offer them as hope, strength, and inspiration. And, I vow to enjoy my life – to live while I can, with no waiting. I will be brave and courageous and wholehearted in my living – thank you, Brene´ Brown for that inspiration! I am here and I choose to live!

How about you?
As you step into this day, this new year, this new decade, what vow will you make as a heart promise to yourself? Where can you be a light? Please drop me a note or share below. I’d love to hear! Together we help each other to see possibilities we may not have imagined before. I stand beside you as we journey boldly into this new moment.

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Do You Feel Free?

7/1/2019

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I woke one morning last week clearly hearing this question in a woman’s voice in my head: “Barb, do you feel free?” It has stayed with me since then. It’s hung around because I’m not sure how to answer it. In many ways, yes, I absolutely feel very free. And then there are the ways I don’t… the ways I hold myself back and the reasons I do. The things I let stop me. The beliefs behind those decisions. The people I care about and what I think they need from me. Responsibilities, obligations, and commitments. Financial realities. Rules and laws.

What does “free” even mean? Apparently that’s a great question since Merriam-Webster has 15 definitions, many with their own sub-definitions… Take a look and see which ones you are curious about.

The one thing that helps me to feel free is to remember that I am always at choice -- as long as I am willing to accept the consequences of my choice. I don’t get to choose how other people behave, but I am not powerless about how I respond. I get to decide what my role will be, what words I will say and what actions I will take.

I don’t get to choose my feelings – they come in without warning quite naturally. But I do get to choose what I do with those emotions. How I respond, how much weight I give them, how long I stay with them.

I do have choice, even though I may not realize it in the moment.
Freedom to choose is paramount.
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I think I’ll spare you further musings while I continue to ponder this question that is landing deep in my being and invite you to join me.

Do you feel free? What does “free” mean to you and how do you know if you are or aren’t? Where do you feel free? Where do you feel trapped or powerless? How might you bring in some more freedom to your days? Why is free important? What would life be like if you were free?

Here’s one of my favorite songs to accompany you as you explore.

Please, please share in the comments below. This feels like a rich conversation! I look forward to hearing your insights and thoughts.

Thanks for playing!

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What Being in Recovery Means to Me

Disappointing People

A Vow

Do You Feel Free?

About me...

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