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Q is for Questions

4/20/2022

10 Comments

 
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Since we started with #AtoZChallenge with a post about Answers, and my theme is Question (Almost) Everything, it seems only fitting that we take a little time with questions! In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I love questions.  I live in questions.  I know what it feels like to be annoying for asking too many questions! 

Anyone else a “you ask too many questions” person?? 

Through these daily posts it’s been my genuine desire to ask provocative questions.  To get you thinking, journaling, considering how these topics show up in your life.  Questioning is the way we expand beyond what we already know.  Questioning the status quo, the “way it’s always been done,” or what everyone else is doing is how we contribute to change in our own lives and in the world. 

Asking questions can open doors and reveal fresh possibility.  Questions are the foundation of experimentation, inviting us to try something and see how it goes.  Questions make it ok to not know.
 
As I touched on in Answers, it strikes me that there are different types of questions we ask.  In addition to basic logistical questions, there are questions of agony, questions of hope, excitement or wonder, questions of curiosity and genuine interest, and questions of right or wrong.  And then of course there are the big, possibly unanswerable, existential questions!  And, my favorite, the beautiful question. 

At different times each one of us has likely asked every kind of question. 

Questions of Agony: These are the cruel or “woe is me” questions that pile on misery and can keep us stuck.  They’re natural but not very helpful. The come with a tone of powerlessness– tone matters, because some of these questions, if asked in a neutral way could be genuine interest, information gathering, reflective ones. 

These are the judgmental ones, the ones of self-or other criticism, the ones of despair and misery.  These questions sound like: Why is this happening?  Why me/us?  How did we get here?  How could you?  What’s wrong with me (or you)?  When will this ever end??  Who’s to blame? 

Questions of hope, excitement, or wonder: You can feel the energy in these questions as they touch a place of wonder, awe, or imagination.  There’s a lightness and a sense of delight as you feel these questions.  Maybe some “nerve-cited” sensation too!

When will we find out?  Is this really happening!?  Are we really in this place/at this event/fulfilling this dream?? Will this work?  How is it possible that there is so much beauty in the world?  How did I get so lucky to feel a love like this?  If I had a magic wand, how would your life be different?  If I went for it, what might be possible? Can I really do this?

Questions of curiosity and genuine interest: These questions seek to understand, to connect, to go deeper.

What’s going on for you?  Tell me more about your situation; I really want to know (this is the tricky statement question!).  What makes you feel most alive?  What does it mean to you to be successful?  What DO I really want? 

Questions of right or wrong: These questions try to figure out the “right” course of action. When asked internally, and if we allow ourselves enough space and time to hear true guidance, these can be super helpful.  If asked of others, they can take us away from our own intuition or knowing. 

What should I do?  Just tell me!  Is this the right choice?  I don’t know… is that wrong?  What does the book say we’re supposed to do in this case?  What do the experts tell us to do? 

Existential Questions: The super big, maybe unanswerable questions we ask about life itself and our life and purpose. 

Why am I here?  What am I supposed to do with my life?  What’s the meaning of life?  Does anything matter?  If nothing matters, does everything matter?  Is there a God, and if there is, how could they let ____ happen? 

And, then, there is the Beautiful Question:
I learned about Beautiful Questions in a workshop on curiosity at Camp Good Life Project back in 2018.  Steven Morris described it as a question that can’t be answered by the mind alone and that it may be something you have to sit with for some time. 

So, the beautiful question is one you may not know the answer to easily (or ever), and for me, these are the questions that have caused me to open my mind, and more importantly, my heart to a broader perspective. 

As a mom of a young man with substance use disorder, many of my questions over the years had been anything but beautiful!  There were many questions of agony, of right and wrong, seeking outside advice and answers, which no one could really give us.  There were not too many questions of curiosity or wonder and certainly no beautiful wide-open wonderings.  I was too constricted by fear.

The question that changed our life:
Steven’s workshop broke open a question that would change my and our experience of life, and it was this: What if we stop trying to save his life and just love him, as he is, for as long as he’s here?” 

Every single word of this question felt important for me to really take in.  This question came from some place beyond my mind.  I know that because it makes no sense to a Mom mind.  And yet, it acknowledges and embodies the reality of our situation.  We can’t save his life, and we’re making all of us crazy trying to do so.  We do love him deeply, so what if we fully gave ourselves permission to love with all of our hearts.  And, he might die too young.  Knowing that, how do we want to live and be with our son while he’s here?  

Somehow my heart and soul can hold the hugeness of this question. Somehow this question frees us to be with our son in a more peaceful, accepting way.  It allows, at least occasionally, the desperation to fall away.  It enables us to give him the freedom to live his life and find his way.  It stops us from so much telling and yelling. 

And, so I ask you, dear reader: What’s the value in asking good questions? Powerful questions?  What questions actually engage you or your conversation partner in some deeper thought and interaction?  What beautiful question might your life be asking you to sit with?  Is there one that would open you up? 

I can’t wait to hear what this topic stirs for you! 
 

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L - Love Questions

4/14/2022

6 Comments

 
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What I am LOVING about this #AtoZChallenge is that it’s raising questions about topics I didn’t anticipate questioning… things like hope, kindness, and how we look at and feel about bodies.  I love that one friend and reader told me the posts are “like a cup of espresso.  They’re waking me up!”  She’s been willing to read critically and dive into her own thoughts about certain words and topics.  I couldn’t ask for any more than that! 

So, with that, let’s dive into some questions I have played with around the idea of love for several years now.  These questions change my experience of life and my way of being in it. 

Is Love available, even here?
First, from Sufi teacher and business coach, Mark Silver, “Is Love available, even here?”  This is a profound question to ask ourselves when we are facing desperate and painful times in our own lives or when we look at catastrophes in the world.  Is Love available, even here?  Can you find it, feel it, access it?  Might Love be at play even when times seem the bleakest? What’s the opportunity?
I recently talked with a friend who is grieving the dying of a beloved pet.  It hurts so deeply to let go of those we love so dearly.  And yet, we know that death is part of life.  The more we love, the more it will hurt.  So how might we use our alive time to honor walking alongside someone at the end of their life?

I suggested that there was a gift in knowing that the end is near (and also gave her permission to tell me to F off because I know it doesn’t feel like a gift in this moment)… that she has time to spend with this animal, to let it know all it’s meant to her, to do some ceremony around saying goodbye, even when she doesn’t want to say goodbye.  How can we weave love into our living days with those we love, whether the end is near or not? 

              '"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
​                      ~ Alfred Lord Tennyson


Loving someone who struggles with substance use disorder can lead to a chaotic existence…  there can be a lot of anger, blame, shame, and broken trust.  Things can get ugly and painful in a deeply wounding way.  Is Love available even here?  Even as relationships are torn apart, words spoken that can’t be taken back, and fear rules the day.  Can we remember the essence of this person, the bond that brought us together, and if it’s our child, the bond that runs deep and may be non-negotiable?  Can we find enough ground within ourselves and get enough support to bring Love to the situation?  Can we trust in a Divine Love surrounding us, even in the hardest moments? 

What does Love look like?
Through my journey with my son’s substance use disorder, I’ve struggled to find the Love many times, getting caught up in the human messiness more often than I’d like to admit.  I’ve also had to redefine what Love looks like, what love means, and what a loving mother is or does. 

We have ideas growing up (or at least I did) about these things.  In my case I believed a loving mother was kind, gentle, caring, nurturing, and never got angry… at anyone, but especially not at her children (anger was a “Wait til your father gets home” situation).  This was not a healthy foundation for me to step into the reality of parenting, and I am grateful for the counselor who early on challenged my belief that I would never get angry with my child and gave me permission for this very natural human response. 

Active addiction stirs up lots of anger along with exhaustion which is a recipe for disaster.  It can be hard to find or feel the love.  And, in the moments I get good support, care for myself, and have some practices to find my center, I can love my son in a different way.  I’ve learned that loving my young adult son is different from loving my baby or little boy, and that I can no longer mend all of his wounds or keep him safe.  I’ve learned that love shines through in clear boundaries communicated in a straightforward way, and that love also allows us not to be rigid.  When love enters in there is room to determine what feels right and doable in this moment.  Love doesn’t always say “yes,” but it doesn’t always have to say “no” either. 

When I am the loving mother I desire to be, I walk alongside my sons.  I see them for the beautiful people they are.  I listen to them and allow them to guide their own journeys.  I honor their uniqueness and that each of us have our own journey.  I take care of myself and know that my life is most certainly affected by theirs, but it is not determined by theirs.  I remember that there is love for them and also love for me, and that when I love and honor myself, I am better able to love and honor them.  I no longer believe that a good mother sacrifices herself for her kids.  I also love myself enough to allow for and expect imperfections along the way.

What would Love do?
Perhaps my favorite question of all, which I believe I first heard from Elizabeth Gilbert (but I can’t confirm because I often don’t remember for sure), is “What would Love (with a capital L) do?” 
Oh, man! Such a great question!  And, here’s why… because what Love would do is so often different than what my little pissed off, resentful, hurting human self would do.  Now Love still wouldn’t sacrifice me or encourage me to save someone else, because Love knows that’s not my job.  Love wouldn’t ask me to do more than is reasonable or to suffer abuse. 

However, Love would reach deep and find compassion.  Compassion would allow me to consider another person’s point of view.  Love helps me to see the humanity and soul of another being, no matter what I see on the surface.  Love helps me to show up to the world from a softer place. 
When Love is our intention, our guiding light, when Love is how we want to live in the world, how does that change our words, actions, and way of being with one another? 

So, I leave you to consider: Is Love available, even here?  What does Love look like?  And, What would Love do? 

What questions do you have about Love?  Please share in the comments!  I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts! 


A little musical inspiration for you - Love Wins

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6 Comments

H is for Hope

4/9/2022

4 Comments

 
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​“Hope is a weak word,” I’ve heard.  And, I get it, I guess.  If all you do is hope that something will happen or hope things will change or get better, but you don’t do anything other than sit around hoping, then sure… it’s not enough.  At the same time, I have also always cringed a little bit at this idea. Something about it felt off. 

I’ve found that sometimes hope is all we have.  When things feel so lost and we can’t see the way out, we must hold on to hope.  Hope is like faith or love in that it can’t be seen, but it can be felt deep, deep down inside us.  It can call us forward.  It can help us show up for another day.  

“Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible.” – Helen Keller

I’ve found that hope is not weak at all, but perhaps one of the strongest forces that exists.  It is a light in the darkness, a beacon in confusion, a balm in times of despair.  Hope lives in the rising of the sun, the blooming of the daffodil, and the budding of the trees.  

“In the stillness of the quiet, if we listen, we can hear the whisper of the heart giving strength to weakness, courage to fear, hope to despair.” – Howard Thurman

Although at times hope feels risky, so we opt for “cautious optimism” instead, as if somehow daring to hope will jinx the outcome we hope for or cast a curse upon the situation.  The stakes are so high we dare not hope.  And yet, please do… what have you got to lose?  Not hoping isn’t going to make the pain any less if things don’t work out.  And it might just lighten your spirit along the way.  

Because I think we could all use a little more hope, I offer you this beautiful poem:

Listen
Fear says
‘what if this
is the end of the world?’
Love asks
with a tender and open smile
‘Oh my precious child,
what if this is the beginning.’
Don’t lose hope
Don’t let fear harden you
Lean in to the unimaginable.
Dare to laugh
amidst disaster
even with shattered dreams
and a broken heart
that cries for all those suffering.
Dare to love
even now
even here.
Remember who you are,
without all the layers
of conditioning.
Come home
Again
And
Again.
Bathe in the beauty
All around.
Remember, dear child
The sky and earth
Still
Sing.
It is up to us
To
listen.
 - Sarah Siegel

Share with us please your thoughts on hope. What’s been possible because you dared to hold onto hope?  How has hope supported you?  Is hope a scary or easy feeling for you to lean into?  
​
#AtoZ Challenge – Question (Almost) Everything 

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!!    

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
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barb@inspiredpossibility.com