Category: Discomfort

Are You at War with Reality?

8/22/2018

Are you at war with reality? When I first heard this question, posed gently and sincerely by Tara Brach, it stopped me in my tracks. Was I? Are you kidding me?? Of course I was! Who wouldn’t be when they were facing what I was!? Righteous indignation set in. Absolutely, I’m at war with reality! And, I have every right to be! This isn’t what I signed up for!

And so it goes… from the mundane “I don’t want the days to be getting shorter…” to the deeper heartfelt plaintive wail “Nooooo!” that goes along with a life-changing diagnosis or the death of a loved one, there are so many moments when we don’t like what’s happening. We really can’t stand that this is our reality. We desperately want things to be different.

But, this is the way it is right now…

Signs you might be at war with reality

Wondering if you are at war with your reality?

If you find yourself thinking or saying anything like this, you might be at war with reality:
It shouldn’t be…
How did this happen? This isn’t how my kids were raised!
I can’t deal with this!
This person/company/country cannot be doing this…
NO! I refuse to believe it! (that one’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?)

What do you do now?

If you find yourself accepting that you are at war with reality (possibly and probably more often than you know), what do you do?

One of the key principles of mindfulness is to be with what is. Easier said than done, for sure. Yet, when we are able to do so, there is a softening, a tiny relaxing, a teeny sense of ease that sinks in simply because we have let go of resisting.

When we resist, we tighten in order to hold on to something or to brace ourselves against something, and in the tightening and bracing, our unhappiness, struggle, and suffering increases significantly. Not only is this thing going on, but now we’ve added an internal battle against it.

Being with what IS doesn’t mean we have to like it. It simply means that we need to accept that it is indeed here in this moment. From that place, we are able to sit with it, see how it lands in us, and then be in a place where we can more consciously ask the question, “OK, this is happening. Now what?”

I’m not asking you to deny your resistance or denial – that would only complicate things further. Be with your feelings of sadness, anger, fear, or grief. Be with them as long and as often as they arise. That is absolutely part of the practice of being with what’s real. You’re feeling this way – give yourself the space and compassion to be exactly where you are in this moment.

Then lay down the sword that’s fighting whatever has caused you so much angst and lean into your experience. When you face it head on, with the acceptance that it’s here, you are much better prepared for what will come next.

The Practice of RAIN

The mindfulness practice of RAIN: Recognizing, Allowing, Investigating and Nurturing is one I’ve found to be super helpful when facing hard times. Depending on your situation, this might be a very quick practice that yields some comfort right away, or it might require a longer chunk of time or even many rounds to really find any relief.

We are not looking for a quick fix – life doesn’t work that way. We are looking for a practice that will support you as you face the challenges that life inevitably and continually throws our way.

Recognize what is happening and what you’re feeling – “My child just betrayed me. I’m pissed!”

Allow it to be here, just as it is – rather than pushing it away and wishing it weren’t so, make room for the anger, and recognize that your heart truly is able to hold it all.

Investigate – with kindness and curiosity, not mentally, but in your body – where does this anger land? How does it feel? “Ah, my jaw is clenched. My stomach is in a knot. I’m barely breathing.”

Nurture – bring loving compassion to yourself. What do you need in this moment? How can you care for yourself in this state of anger? What kind of loving support do you want right now?

After the RAIN, simply soak it in… allow it to nourish you to your roots. Then, just like plants and flowers do after a real rain, you are able to open up and blossom once again.

Simply by allowing yourself to have the reaction you’re having, taking the time to be with yourself and notice and name what’s going on, to inquire how you might care for yourself or ask for the support you need, you’ve already loosened its grip on you. You’ve given yourself a chance to step into some practices that might actually nurture, nourish, and support you to face this thing that is causing so much despair.

It’s a Practice

Like so many things, it’s a practice. A practice of being aware and being with. Practices ask us to repeat them over and over. Practices allow us to forget them and then to remember, over and over again. A practice isn’t something you do once and check it off of your list.

For more about RAIN, I recommend checking out Tara Brach’s resources here. She has a number of talks, writings, and meditations to deepen into this beautiful self-compassion practice.

Because, when we are at war with reality, we are certainly not being kind or gentle to ourselves. We are struggling within our own experience, and we suffer from this fight.

May today you greet yourself with loving kindness. May you find peace. May you allow your experience to be just as it is. May you live with ease.

Wishing you so much goodness.

I’d love to hear how this lands with you and please share your experiences both of resisting and of allowing. What are your signals that you’re at war with reality and what’s worked to support you in moving through these times?
Please join the conversation below.

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Celebrating Possibility

7/29/2018

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I’ve never considered myself a particularly big risk taker, but as I reflect back on my life, I recognize that there have been plenty of chances taken along the way. Since we can never really know how things will turn out, many possibilities require some degree of courage for us to step into them.

With that said, there are some decisions that feel riskier than others. Those moments when we’re trying something we really aren't sure we can do, taking a chance on our biggest dream, or putting our hearts out there on the line. The times when it would just be easier to go on steadily doing what we’ve always done, what we know works, what feels comfortable…

As I remember moments when I did take a chance, I can feel a huge smile throughout my whole being that tells me these times in my life are a big deal! There is something enticing, magical, rewarding (and scary) about stretching beyond what’s comfortable or known to go for something you really want.

Two years ago today I had one of my biggest, most joyful OMG moments! I was in Taos when I had received a voicemail from my publisher saying, “I have good news about your book…” Since I had just submitted my final approvals a few days earlier I presumed it was moving forward. No surprise there. I’d call him on Monday when I was back home.

But no… that night in the Albuquerque hotel I receive a text from a dear friend: “Your book is ON Amazon! I just ordered it - it’ll be here Tuesday!” What?? I hadn’t even held a copy in my own hands yet! Are you kidding me? Let me tell you, there is something very bizarre about searching for yourself on Amazon and finding your book there! But a few clicks later, and, there it was!!

I can still feel the heart-pounding, shaky, tingly, smiling from the inside out, beaming through every cell of my body feeling as I remember that moment. It was truly surreal and magical… a dream come true! It had taken two years to get to that point and many moments of wondering if I'd ever see that day - doubt, fear, self-criticism... they all could have stopped me at any point along the way.

Today I celebrate that moment because it represents the super-charged joy that comes from taking something that once felt impossible and bringing it into reality! I celebrate it for me and for those around me who I see taking a chance every day. I celebrate the times we step toward a greater goal even when things don't work out as we had hoped. Because at least we have tried.

The opportunities we take often become our most rewarding memories Buying a house, adopting a baby, changing careers, traveling across the world, putting in the proposal you never really expect to get, hosting your first art exhibit, starting a business, retiring, saying “yes” to that first date. These are all decisions that come with vulnerability, challenge, and uncertainty. There is no guarantee of success or happiness, but there is a satisfaction that comes from knowing that you felt the nudge, and you went for it.

Life is full of possibility, so make the choices that make you happy. The ones you know on some level you are meant to take. You should go for the opportunities that bring out your gifts, the ones that bring true joy, the ones that let you shine your light! Life is short. Life is uncertain. So, for heaven’s sake, go for the joy of being fully alive while you’re here! You don’t want to miss it.

Somewhere inside we all know when there’s a chance worth taking. It often comes with a strange blend of excitement and anxiety, although there's no real danger. Give yourself the possibility of finding amazing, unexpected joy, love, or the thrill of gazing at some creation that came about because you said “yes!”

Grant yourself moments of awe as you take in the beauty around you – in the art you’ve created, the vacation you’ve allowed yourself to take, the home you've created, or the loving relationship you dared to let in. Breathe it in – let it nourish your soul! These moments deserve to be scattered throughout your life!

Is there a place in your life where you’re holding back rather than going for something that is calling you? What would help you take that first step?

What chances have you taken and how have they been worth it?

Please join the discussion in the comments below! We love hearing from you.

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OK, So THAT Happened… Now What?

11/14/2016

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My husband and I have a way of saying, “Sooooo, that just happened,” in unbelievable moments when our world has just been rocked, and we’re trying to find our footing a bit. It helps us to take a step back, smack ourselves back into reality, and realize that we have to figure out what our next move will be.

Election 2016 in the US is behind us. Thank goodness, because, quite frankly, it’s one of the most ugly, upsetting, and divisive things I’ve experienced in my 52 years of life! And, sadly, the ugliness has not gone away.

And, if like me, you found yourself reeling as the states were called and what felt like an impossibility became possible and then very real, you might be trying to find your ground now and trying to figure out how to move forward.

It’s been almost a week and it’s clear that many are still reeling, and that is totally okay. As one of my teachers said today, “This isn’t like losing the World Series.” No, this is far bigger and far more important.

For those of you who are grieving now, feeling sad, angry, confused, lost, hopeless, fearful, and don’t know what to do next, I stand with you and I offer you this post. It is easy to sink into despair and project out into the future with doom and gloom scenarios. It’s all too easy to engage in defensive or attacking battle in the social media world. With the rhetoric that has been spewed, the anger-inciting behavior we’ve witnessed, the early actions taken, and the violent reactions we’re seeing, it’s easy to go there.

Let me reassure you all that I am not offering any Pollyanna BS, nor am I asking you to find a silver lining. I will not pretend to hold your answers, and I will not tell you to get over this. Nor do I intend to add fuel to the fire and rile you up for battle. My hope is only to walk with you as we move into tomorrow.

It’s taken me days to finish this post because I am swimming in my own confusion and in the murkiness of all that’s being hurled around in the news and on Facebook. Never before have I seen such a free-for-all of opinion sharing, judgment, shame, blame, and flat out attacks on those who view the world and the situation differently.

I’ve certainly had my own opinions, shared my own views, and openly questioned things that simply couldn’t land in my heart and head. I’ve been uncharacteristically vocal during this election and in its aftermath because it feels too important not to be silent. And I make no pretense of being “holier than thou” here. I am doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

So, what now? Early on November 9, my first move after hearing the news was to turn to my teachers via social media to see how they were reacting. And, what I found was…nothing. Crickets… They weren’t there yet, because they too were reeling. They had no more inspiration to offer in the midst of shock than I did. They were taking their own time to be stunned, to feel, to grieve, and to maybe come to some level of groundedness before they could speak.

As I struggled with my own shock, sadness, grief, fear, and confusion, after I sobbed… after I got to yoga and moved a bit, I came home to myself and to the wisdom of my many teachers. I share it with you now in the hopes that perhaps some of it may be useful for you in this or other turbulent times.

From Tara Brach – Ask the poignant question, “Are you at war with reality?” This election is over. The results are in, and I only cause myself more suffering by denying it with screams of “Nooooooo!” or spinning into “How, how, how did this happen?” Though these were certainly among my first reactions. Being at war with what is does not serve me; I need to find a way to accept it as reality, though I do not have to like it or get over it. I have to come to terms with what’s before me.

From Renee Trudeau – Pause. It is so essential to stop and just breathe for a moment when it seems like everything is in a frenzy. Pause to create some space around what’s happening. Pause to find my breath. Pause to tune into what’s coming up for me and within me.

From Tara again (and Renee and Jen Louden who reinforce this regularly) – Be with what’s here. Notice what’s happening in my body. Feel into it. Don’t try to chase it away, but just be with it. Notice it, allow it, and then nurture myself in the loving way I would a dear friend. Feel the pain and the suffering. Do not jump over it or try to do a bypass of it. Be with it.
From Renee again – Remember the critical importance of self-care and her beautiful definition: “Self-care is the art of attuning and responding to our needs and desires, moment to moment.” What is it I need in this moment? The pausing and the noticing gives me a shot at answering this question. This is all I can do. Only by taking good care of me can I have any hope of offering anything to anyone else. I must begin here now that I’ve found and caught my breath.

“I will not abandon myself!” This has been my most powerful mantra since I first learned it from Renee a couple of years ago. Nothing and no one can take me away from my values, what I stand for, what’s true and integral for me. And, I need to remember first and foremost to be here for myself in loving kindness and gentleness as I notice what’s up and again offer myself the space to be real with what’s here and to nurture myself accordingly.

From Jen Louden – Remember to believe in our essential goodness – my own and everyone else’s. This is a hard one right now because it doesn’t feel like love, kindness, compassion, or goodness have been at play to bring about this outcome. And, yet, the people who voted for Trump are the same neighbors and community members they were yesterday – the sweet couple with their little girl behind me in line to vote. I don’t know who his voters are, but for the most part, I believe they’re voting their conscience. I believe this, even when we strongly disagree on so much. And, beyond the extremists who voice their hatred and bigotry openly and loudly, I do not believe labelling an entire group of people is helpful or fair.

I need to remember our common humanity, and that we have more in common than not. Putting people into camps of “us” vs. “them” does not serve me or anyone else and only deepens the divide. Yet, this is what I continue to see playing out over and over in thread after thread. It’s exhausting and it’s disheartening. This does not serve the future of our country. We’ve been there before. The Civil War springs immediately to mind. I’m not looking for a replay of that.

From Laura Berman Fortgang – “Discomfort = growth.” There is tons of discomfort here, so where is the opportunity for growth? Where are the opportunities to show up? What is my discomfort bringing up and what is it calling me to? Nothing changes when we stay comfortable. This election certainly has shaken us up and feels like a wake-up call. We can’t go back to sleep.

From my own life experience – Sometimes it takes being shaken up to get out of complacency. Often it’s from the darkest moments that we do our greatest work. Life is calling us to show up now – our wisdom, our love, our debate, our commitment, our passion, our questions, our action – they’re being shaken awake and we need them all.

I remembered the things that ground me, that bring me back to clarity. I remembered to come home to myself. For me this means I need silence, stillness, space and time for reflection and meditation. I need to get to yoga. I need to write. I need to find my breath and anchor there when there is nothing else that I can grasp onto. I need to surround myself with mindful people and have honest conversations; connection feels really important right now. I need to try to tap into faith, and I’m finding that hard. I need to remember that I’m resilient as hell, and so are we as a collective. We will get through. What it will look like on the other side, I don’t know.

From the recovery world – You have to hit bottom before you can sober up and get on the road to recovery. These are sobering times, for sure. Maybe this is our bottom.

One of the things that came out in this election which greatly saddened me was the clarity of how deeply divided we are, of how far we have NOT come since Martin Luther King Jr. or Susan B. Anthony. It also saddened me to think that the “change” we just voted for might actually set us back in time and deepen the divide. We’ve been given many reasons to believe it could.

So, it was a sobering day for many of us and it’s been a turbulent, sobering, and explosive time in the past week. And, so the road to recovery lies before us, and we can step on it as we are ready, when we are ready, and not until we are. For now, be where you are… feel it rather than stuff it, but don’t get stuck in the swamp of doom and gloom never to rise again – we need you.

So, we find a force that motivates and mobilizes us – whether it’s the power of hope, or the strong drive for justice. We listen to where we are being called. And, when we hear the call (which will be different for each of us), we show up. It could be for the environment, civil rights, healthcare, or poverty – there are so many areas that need you. Where are you being called and how might you begin to take action there and make the impact that only you can?

Perhaps it’s time we don’t rely on the government for funding or support. Dark times often lead us to do great things.

The reality is that how YOU show up to your life matters. Nothing has changed this. How you show up (positively or negatively) ripples out. What energy do you want to bring as we move forward? For move forward we must, each in our own time. I know some are not ready yet. I’m not sure I am, but I do know that the sun keeps rising and the moon still moves steadily through its cycles. As one of my friends noted last week, I take comfort in the rhythms of nature.

What is it that will carry you on, one step at a time into the tomorrow we walk toward together? What will comfort you and nourish you in a time when your energy is needed? Who do you want in your world? Who’s your support and who challenges you to greatness? What are the practices that can bring you back to “this moment?” What will stop you from projecting out to an unknown future? We must begin where we are. And, whatever you do, please do not go back to sleep.

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The Power of Gratitude

11/26/2015

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It was natural for me to think of all of you today and to be inspired to sit down and write a quick note to you. I am so very grateful for those of you who support me in doing the work that so fills my heart and soul with purpose. You inspire me, and I am grateful for that. I learn from you and I am driven to become a better me because of you. So, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being a part of my world.

It’s Thanksgiving here in America, a day when we are reminded to be thankful. It’s a day when many do take a moment to pause and reflect on what it is that we are grateful for, and that’s a beautiful thing. But, what’s even more beautiful is when we incorporate gratitude into our everyday living. When we can find gratitude for small things we can truly change our attitude and our state of wellbeing. For me that cute bulldog puppy in the grocery store parking lot who made me smile this morning was one of those small things. Today I also really appreciated the yoga teachers who were offering donation-based practices, giving of their time to be of service to our community. I am grateful that my husband is raking out our gardens and preparing them for the winter ahead. I’m grateful for a couple of days of warmth that are here so that I can put my Christmas lights up with comfort. And, I am grateful for my family that is with me today, even as I miss those I love who aren’t here now.

There have been a lot of posts out recently about the power and health benefits of gratitude, and I encourage you to search them out if you’d like to know more. I’m here to share my personal experience with the power of a daily gratitude practice.
Most days I post what I am grateful for that day on my Facebook page – sometimes in the morning, but usually in the evening as I reflect back on my day. And this might make my life look great and throw me into that unloved group of people called the “better thans” (or something like that – people who give the impression that their lives are so much better than yours). That’s not my intention at all, and sometimes I include gratitude for the sadness or grumpiness I’ve felt that day and for my ability to be with it or to let it pass. I’m always grateful when I’ve been able to find gratitude on a day when it’s really hard. And, for me, that’s one of the most powerful aspects of this practice – it helps me to shift my perspective from “That was a really crappy day” to, “Yes, I’m having a really tough time right now AND I can still find things to be grateful for."

I am striving to welcome all aspects of the full richness of life into my experience, because this is real, and being real is really important to me. Life is full of ups and downs, shadow and light, joy and sorrow for ALL of us. To fully live life means to allow what is here to exist, to not always be wishing for something other than what we are living in this moment, and to remember that everything is in a state of flow and transition.

Whatever we are feeling right now won’t last forever, whether we perceive it to be “good” or “bad.” So to be able to breathe in to the here and now, to notice it and welcome it in, whether it’s really joyful or peaceful or extremely painful or uncomfortable, is a valuable practice. This noticing and welcoming helps me to get back into a flow with life. Often times when I am suffering I notice that it’s because I am resisting some aspect of my life, wishing it were different, wanting something else, something I may never have. Also, I don’t want to miss out on truly appreciating and soaking in the sweetness of a particular day.

So, to find a way to be grateful even when life doesn’t look the way I’d like it to, even when my heart is really heavy and I’m feeling very sad and afraid has helped me to keep on going. It helps me notice and remember all that is in my life, and it helps me to slow down and be present. It allows me to find and create joy and peace and to have those coexist with sadness and loss. It’s not an all or nothing world – there’s room for it all.

My invitation to you is to find a way to incorporate gratitude into your daily life in whatever way works for you. You could simply take a moment of quiet, close your eyes and silently reflect on what you feel grateful for in that moment and really feel the sensation in your body. You might want to journal in the morning or evening (or any time in between) a list of a few things you’re grateful for. I’ve found gratitude to be a really great way to begin my day and start it off with an intentionally different tone than it might have otherwise had, and it’s also a great way to send myself to bed and into a more peaceful sleep. You might choose to send a quick note to people you appreciate, letting them know what it is you appreciate about them.

Thoughts? What ideas do you have for bringing gratitude in to your life? What have you found to work or what would you like to try? Please let us know in the comments below – it’s through sharing that we all may grow and learn.

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What Happens Outside Your Comfort Zone?

9/1/2015

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Neale Donald Walsch has said, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone,” and Laura Berman Fortgang taught me that “Discomfort equals growth.” I believe and teach both of these concepts, AND at the same time I am very conscious that for me, things could also easily come to a screeching halt at the end of my comfort zone.

When I’m uncomfortable, feeling out of my element, I get out of sorts really quickly and want to run and hide! So, I could easily miss out on the opportunity that life is presenting me if I give in to that habitual pattern that is so deep inside me.

This awareness came up front and center this morning at my Nia dance class. It’s only my 4th class, and I missed last week because of vacation. Today I felt all out of sorts – off rhythm and moving forward when the class was moving back or left when they were sliding right. And, the more aware I become of how “off” I was, I felt myself pull back, tense up, and want to completely shut down rather than just let it be ok.

This is supposed to be a fun class for me – a chance for exploration and expression in a new way. And what I felt today was very vulnerable and very awkward. As I watched the teacher and other students move with a grace and ease that was beautiful and seemed effortless, I got more and more stuck in being still, tight, and wrong. More and more stuck in my head. Surprisingly that didn’t help my grace and ease! Go figure!

As I walked over to get a drink between songs, for a brief moment I considered walking out almost in tears – just quitting. My inner critic was having a field day telling me I wasn’t good enough. Asking “Why bother? You’ll never move like they do!” Declaring, “You can’t do this! What were you thinking?” “Just get out before anyone else notices how off you are or before you bump into someone.”

No, the dance floor is not the space where I shine, but when I let myself, I can have a ball with it and my body thanks me for taking a risk to move in ways that are not natural or easy for me. When I compare myself to others, I feel more and more like a fool and imagine all eyes are on me (of course, they aren’t – no one else cares at all).

I have a strong need to know how to do things and to get it right. Today I couldn’t even hear because my ears were plugged and the acoustics are tough… so, I felt lost, flailing, and out of sorts. Definitely out of my comfort zone.

The growth came in the moment when I decided to approach myself with some tenderness – to reassure and comfort myself so that I could come back to me and push myself to stay in the dance.

Today reminded me of another significant time in my life when I was immensely challenged – three years ago I was in the Adirondacks facing fears I didn’t know I had. Thankfully, I was with a group of wonderfully supportive people who helped me push past my mental barriers as I faced physical hurdles that I truly did not feel capable of overcoming. As I watched others scale heights that scared me simply to look at and stretch themselves across tight ropes and balance beams, I found myself frozen halfway up the ladder toward what I had determined to be the easiest challenge.

I wanted to come back down. I begged to come back down. Our leader urged me to take a few steps past where I thought I could. And, I did. Then I came down and thought I would walk away satisfied. Of course he knew better and helped me to see that I would not be satisfied if I didn’t even try.

After quite a pep talk where I acted the petulant, resistant, stubborn child, and with the help of every person in that group, I put the harness on again and got back on the ladder. I triumphed over my mind with a determination that I would not stop climbing (for if I did, I surely would get frozen again). I shouted out my intention to get across the wires to the wilderness and anyone within earshot. Scampered up the pole like Spider Man, and I did it!

I honestly didn’t know if I would make it or not, but I am so grateful that I was able to face my fear of setting a goal I might not meet – a fear so strong that it literally stopped me in my tracks. It wasn’t my physical ability that was getting in my way. It was my mind and the stories that rapidly filled my head.

Growth… and life’s finest opportunity… truly comes in those moments when we are paralyzed by fear or discomfort, and we do it anyway. So, while today’s dance class wasn’t as joyful as I would have liked it to be, I took away just what I needed. I was able to witness what happens when I begin judging and comparing and finding myself falling short or feeling less than. And, I was able to keep on going.

Where are you letting discomfort stop you and how can you move on through and see what’s waiting for you as you come out the other side?

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About me...

I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay. I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.

This is the space where we get real. I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.

What's real for you? What would you like me to write about? Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

Thank you for joining me on this journey!!

Are You at War with Reality?

Celebrating Possibility

OK, So THAT Happened… Now What?

The Power of Gratitude

What Happens Outside Your Comfort Zone?

About me...

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