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Human Happens... It's OK!

1/26/2021

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PictureGrumpy cat (weird for "Human Happens" I admit but this face... oh my!)
Remember that great book, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?”  I think he did have a string of rotten things happen to him that had him dreaming of running away to Australia…  or maybe he just had a rotten day.  It happens. 

I found myself in a rotten foul mood for no good reason at all (but we think we need a reason, don’t we!?)  In fact, there were lots of reasons on that particular day that I “should” have been happy!  The sun was shining, I had nothing but a great day planned, my arm was pain-free for the first time in a long time, on and on and on…  And the fact that I “should” have been happy only made it worse that I really wanted to jump out of my own skin!  (that never goes well, by the way!)

My mind wanted to make sense of it (as minds do)… if I could understand it, then my brain could categorize it, and tuck it away neatly in a file as that reason for bad moods…  My self-care teacher self knew all of the things I COULD do to try to shift it, but I wanted nothing to do with any of them.  In fact, these are the times when I want to throw my own book across the room and I tell my own teachings to “F%$K off!”  My Buddhist teachings kicked in to remind me to just be with it.  That really didn’t feel great, but in the end, that’s the path I took. 

Being human is messy.  Life is messy.  Bad moods will come. Good moods will come.  Inspiration will rise up and at other times, like the other day, we will find ourselves flailing and floundering in the dark... feeling we have nothing to offer the world.  In those dark pit of ick moments it’s hard to see the way out and the last thing we want to hear is “This too shall pass…”  Will it!?  I’m sure it will, but right now, this is where I am – let me be! 

Even today as I reflected on it in my journaling, I noted that I am feeling “more like myself” with some small sense of relief.  Then I noticed the implied judgement in that…  as if “myself” is the one who is uplifting and inspired and feeling good… as if the me who is down, depressed, pissy, and just irritable for no good reason is not really me. 

Whew!  This being human is not for the faint of heart, especially if, like me, you love exploring this inner landscape which can get oh so messy and confusing at times! 

But what’s really important is for each of us to remember that human happens. Human isn’t always pretty, it isn’t always what we prefer, it includes all the feelings and all the thoughts and worries, and it can swoop in unexpected and uninvited.  When it does, what we do with it matters.  How we treat ourselves in these moments matters.

There is a movement out there that supports the idea that we should feel good all the time and that the goal is to get to that feel good state at all costs and as soon as possible.  This, my friends, is spiritual BS, spiritual bypassing.  Even if we buy into the idea that peace is our natural inherent state and that love is what we’re made of, we are still going to have terrible, rotten, no good days for no obvious reason.  And it is OK!! 

Self-care doesn’t mean do all the things so you can feel better as soon as possible. Self-care means sit with yourself, as you are in your current state of exhaustion, confusion, anger, sadness, or ugliness… that’s it. Just be with yourself there and give yourself tender loving care and acceptance.  OK, this is how it’s gonna be right now.  I don’t like it, but I’m willing to sit with this discomfort.  You’re not doing life wrong.  You’re not doing anything wrong.  You are simply being your very real, very vulnerable, very tender, open-hearted self.  Cause, damn it, the more open our hearts are, the more we will feel!  (I offer you this meditation – Befriending Yourself – to help you sit with yourself lovingly).

Now, might my bad mood be a natural after-effect from the happenings in the world, the relief and coming down after Wednesday’s inauguration and the end of an intensive 5-day training?  Might I have just simply hit a wall of exhaustion after 11 months of COVID?  Sure, maybe… And, who cares?  What I want to do is to normalize bad days.  To give each of us permission to just have a bad day… without apology, without explanation, without worry, without shame.  And, actually, to even expect them.  They are part of riding the waves…  it’s unsustainable to stay in the crest all the time. The dip, the fall, the drop will inevitably come, until the next swell. 

To think that we are “less than” on these days, that we should somehow apologize for ourselves, hide away, and pretend to be ok when we are not is the very opposite of loving self-care.  To put up a false front is to chop off a very real part of ourselves and that’s just cruel… 
​
Human happens.  You’re human.  I’m human.  It’s OK.  Some days are just like this.  This too shall pass…  (cue the throwing of the book or tomatoes, or whatever! 😊)

And, here's the secret and the truth... the more we are able to sit with these times of discomfort, to wait them out in all of their ickiness, the less we stay stuck in them.  We are better able to move through when we lean into what's here than when we try to stuff our feelings down, hide them away, or banish them from the building.  

Thoughts?  


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What a Month...

9/4/2019

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​What a month August was… in 31 days, I spent more days in places and experiences than I hope others experience in a lifetime – places where I felt alone and powerless and sad. Places where broken systems are anything but supportive and generate a sense of frustration and oppression.  Experiences that remind me I’m in a reality I certainly never imagined.

Places filled with fear, sadness, grief, and anxiety so thick you can feel it surrounding you as you enter the overflowing and slow-moving parking garage… places where no one wants to be. Places cloaked with the stench of sickness and the heaviness of despair – where people in white coats rush about and noises drone constantly.  You visit but don’t glean much information or hope.  Any day at the hospital is inherently draining. 

Places where I succumb to a search of my property and person even though I have committed no crime. I simply want to board a plane or love someone who is on the wrong side of the bars.  Places where those in uniform clearly hold the power, and it is most wise to suppress and succumb. 

Shopping for 6 whites, 6 socks, 6 boxers… alongside excited RIT and U of R students and their parents preparing for the upcoming school year and the promise it holds. I shop not for the hallowed halls of these institutions but for the stark concrete barricade of an institution of last choice and lost hope.  I hope you don’t know what this feels like, but if you do, know that you are not alone…

Phone calls that don’t simply ring through but require agonizing minutes of recorded messages along with so much button pushing… calls that cannot be answered on the fly and can’t be returned if you miss them. 

It’s been a month of epic highs, extreme lows and some flatline numbness.  Along with the places I’ve mentioned already, I’ve also had moments that blew me away with their beauty and wonder!

Leading retreat at the serene Himalayan Institute with a group of women who openly share their hearts; Camp is in Your Heart in the incredibly gorgeous Colorado Rocky Mountains with people who share inspiration, hope, and also struggle.  Guiding my sweet and wise Self-Care Sanctuary group through practices that nourish and sustain us and working with clients who are fully embracing their life and their strengths while facing their challenges… these are some of the highs.  I have also cherished quieter highs in times with my beloved or a dear friend, sharing simple moments of life as well as our dreams and fears. 

All of this has required me to walk between pretty open-hearted places (where I much prefer to be and how I really want to show up to life) and places where I’ve needed to armor up a bit, to protect my tender heart. It can be hard to dance back and forth between those two ways of being.

I’m generally a pretty optimistic positive person, and I have had more mornings than I’d like to admit that have begun with “I guess I’m ready to face the day.”  My practices are lucky if I don’t forget them, and I am fortunate when I have remembered…  they ground me.  Otherwise, my mind easily gets away from me into thoughts about the past or worries about the future. 

Why Share? 
Why share this with you?  Well, why not?  When I share, I no longer have to hold my story in silence and shame or fear of judgment.  As I share, each of you can lightly hold a piece of my story with me, which lightens the load on my heart.  I remember that I do not walk through this world alone. 

And, more importantly, maybe my sharing will allow you to open your heart and share yours. Each one of us has challenges and suffering that too often we try to bear alone.  Why?  What good does that do? 

If You are Hurting...  
If you’re hurting, please ask for help. Ask for listening.  Ask for support.  Ask for someone simply to walk with you through the pain.  And when you need it, ask for time to be alone.  But, always remember, you do not have to face this on your own. Whatever “this” is for you. 
​
Find practices that support and nourish your body, mind, heart, and soul.  Here are a few that have worked for me:
  • Gratitude – this is a keystone practice for me. I find it every day, in the smallest of moments and in things I might otherwise take for granted, even for tears and sad feelings. I find gratitude for being alive enough to notice. 
  • Yoga – it brings all of our parts into the same space, reminds us of a strength and flexibility we may not have been feeling, and gives our nervous system a chance to settle for a bit. 
  • Rest – getting all the rest we need and letting it be ok, knowing that it takes a lot of energy to go through hard times.
  • Nature – whether that be a walk among the trees, sitting on the grass staring up at the clouds or stars, or getting out on the lake… nature has its own soothing embrace that bathes our souls in its gentleness.  
  • Simple Joy – find simple pleasures and let yourself enjoy them.  Find laughter and play.  Movies and mindless TV have been part of my self-care – they transport me out of my own head, life, and story, and carry me away to another place and time, if only for a short while.  They help to shift my energy. 
        Have something to look forward to every day and also make plans for concerts, trips, and fun              times with those you love. 

                        Your life is still happening and you deserve to engage in it,
                                              even when circumstances are grim
.
 
  • Gentle yourself – (yes, I am intentionally using “gentle” as a verb – try it!) be very, very gentle with your tender, aching heart and lean into care, letting it be ok, releasing any harsh self-judgment. 
  • Simplify – eliminate the drudgery – avoid the tendency to treat your life as a chore.  Reschedule, delegate, and do what is absolutely required – the rest can and will wait.  Leave some (or a lot) of white space in your calendar; in hard times we need extra spaciousness and breathing room. 
Remember, even when things aren’t going well, you can still take time and find ways to take care of you so that you can live your life.  Where there is breath, there is hope.  If you’re reading this it’s safe to assume you are breathing.  Hold on to that hope and live YOUR life!  

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Sitting with Sadness

7/24/2019

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Picture
I woke up feeling super sad the other morning...and I don't really know why.  As I journaled with the grey rain falling down around me, the tears came, and I just let them.  As the day went on, I also spiraled into moments of frustration, anger, self-doubt, self-judgment - basically a messy stew of ickiness that I really don't like sitting in!  As I made up stories about why I was feeling this way, I knew they were just that - stories made up by me that weren't grounded in reality, but just a reflection of how shitty I was feeling, wanting to be able to place the blame somewhere, wanting to somehow make sense of this... 
 
Sitting with sadness… 
Can you sit with it?  Of course, you can, but who wants to?  I find myself having many other preferred feelings and an acute desire to jump out of my own skin and beyond the sadness into whatever’s next!  Anything is better than this lonely empty place.  Sometimes even anger is a welcome relief, simply to break up the dull ache.

And yet, if I can sit with my sadness when it’s here, this is part of coming home to myself. With love, with honesty, with kindness and compassion, and with integrity. With tears, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, with all of my doubts and worries.  This IS self-care – the part we don’t often talk about.

When I can consciously sit with my sadness, I allow myself to sink into the feeling in my body – is it warm, heavy, tingly, spiky?  I let go of pretending that everything is fine. I let the tears flow.   I let go of the forced smile. 

I let go of the things I do to avoid feeling the sadness – you know, filling up my time with busy tasks, getting lost in social media hoping to find some true connection (oh, honey… this is not where you’ll find that!), housing that pint of Haagen Das (it really doesn’t even taste good), sleeping longer than I need to, or distracting myself basically in any way possible. 


Filling the Void... 
We all have our ways of seeking to fill that void.  Brené Brown talks about it as numbing and Jennifer Louden names these are our “shadow comforts.”  These things that we do take us away from the uncomfortable feeling.  They may even appear to be good choices at times, but they don’t really fill us up or nourish us.  In fact, they usually take us away from the things that truly would. 

And yet, all of this is part of being human.  We all go through these times, and it can be hard to know what to do with it.  I was talking with my friend, Mary, about this and she shared an experience of sitting with one of her young students whose feelings had been hurt.  She offered him this choice... did he want her to give him strategies to feel better or just let him be sad for as long as he needed to?  He chose to just feel sad... for about 5 minutes bawled his eyes out while she sat with him and gave him all the space he needed to feel exactly what he was feeling.  Then he was done.  Ready to move on.  What a gift Mary gave this little boy.  Too often we rush to find the "feel good" feeling again and skip over this part of our humanity.  Too often we try to make others feel better rather than just sitting with them. 

You are Not Alone... 
Does it suck?  Yup.  Does it mean there’s something wrong with you?  Not necessarily.  Are you alone when you're in this place?  No.  It sure felt that way to me that morning, and yet in reality, I was not.  I found a couple of friends who have the ability to sit with me in my messiness and hear all of the dark thoughts that creep into my mind.  I cried.  I remembered we all have these days.  I didn’t beat myself up too terribly much for being in that state.  Too often we add to the suffering by getting upset with ourselves for being upset! 

So, the next time you find yourself swamped by sadness, whether it’s expected or not, whether it makes sense or not, give yourself the grace of being a human being who feels.  I invite you to allow yourself the time to gently be with yourself and allow yourself to feel into it, rather than trying to push it down or away.  Be with yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feels – it is oh, so natural.  Give yourself the grace to get the support you need – reach out to a friend, get to a counselor, ask for help and allow yourself to receive it.   You don’t have to go it alone… 

And, if this is more than a passing sadness, but something that is taking you down and out of your life, please seek professional help.  Here are some resources to get you started: National Institute of Mental Health.

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!!    

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com