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Less is More

11/9/2021

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PicturePhoto Credit Renee Veniskey
Less is more... I know it's true and I feel the relief when I can actually let this idea guide me.  And yet, I'm finding that after decades of efforting (and probably over-efforting many, many times), even when I don't think I'm doing or thinking or trying too much, I am.  It really takes a lot for me to let down, to do less, to try less hard…  
 
How have I been reminded?  My body is showing me.  It's coming through in chronic holding patterns in certain muscles that clench and grip all the time, even when they don't need to.  It's coming through in tiredness from days that are booked too fully or that I simply fill with too many things and too many hours.  It's coming through in carrying an excessive number of books and notebooks with me for short trips, thinking I'll get to way more than I do (and more than I even want to).  It's reflected in mental fatigue when I think I can do too many things, accomplish too many tasks, finish too many projects in too little time!  It lives in unrealistic expectations imposed upon myself that I would NEVER hold for another human being.  
 
How might this idea that “less is more” be supportive and nourishing if it could truly be embodied and brought to life? 
  • Well, for one, it would open up more space and time on the calendar, allowing for more breathing room, less stress, and more time to pause and relax.
  • It would come through in a body that feels less tight, less over-worked, less over-stressed, more rested, more open, more expansive.
  • It would be reflected in less clutter and more open space, fewer clothes overflowing closets and drawers, fewer books taking up every inch of shelf space and beyond (which would also lead to more breathing room and spaciousness).
  • Overall there would be a sense of trying less hard - less tension and effort in yoga and Tai Chi, and even in meditation.  There would be a remembering there's no need or way to be perfect (especially with something that's new!). 
  • It would come through in a more relaxed way of being in the world… letting go of any need to impress anyone or prove anything.  Letting go of being the doer-of-all-things and the taker-carer-of-all-people.
  • There would be a sense of sweet simplicity, taking things one moment at a time - not multi-tasking, double-booking, or over-committing.  This is a great time to year to be conscious about that!
  • There would be fewer programs paid for and never completed or feeling woefully behind in - pausing and discerning before following “bright shiny objects” everywhere would keep you cued in to what is really doable and what would truly be beneficial at this time in your life, given your current reality.
  • You'd find yourself not packing things too full - programs, PowerPoints, retreats, vacations, days… life! 
  • Life would move at a sustainable pace and in a sustainable way.  You could lower the bar on yourself - lessen unreasonable expectations. 
  • You'd experience more lightness, ease, and joy, I believe!  As there is less stress, angst, anxiety and worry, there's room for more openness, acceptance, wonder, and support. 

What does it require?
  • Mindful awareness
  • Discernment
  • A willingness to resist temptation, the ability to say “no” and to be realistic
  • Pause (that pause… it's always so, so valuable)
  • Honesty, particularly with yourself
  • Gentleness and self-compassion

Of course, I offer all of this hypothetically speaking! I have only a vague idea what it really means to live from a “less is more” place, but I can certainly imagine the possibilities!  I am willing to try it out more often!  
 
Your invitation… 
Take a few minutes to consider if “less is more” is something you'd like to experiment with in your life.  Would it benefit you in any way?  How and where might you begin to play with this idea, lightly, gently, and kindly?  (no harsh taskmaster in a “less is more” world!).  
 
Is there anything you need to give yourself permission for?  A promise you want to make to yourself?  
 
Play with these prompts, if you like:
I'd like less___________and more ___________
I will create less ________  and make room for more ______________
If less is more, what's possible? 
Where would I like to begin? 
 
This week's meditation, “Less is More," invites you to apply it to your practice - trying less hard, expecting less of yourself and of your practice.  
 

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Mindful Self-Compassion - A Practice Worth Practicing

10/19/2021

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Mindful self-compassion may be one of the most important practices we can bring into our lives.  Thankfully, for some reason self-compassion has been rising up repeatedly lately. I can be as harsh and judgmental with myself as anyone and can find myself wallowing in stories, stuck in “what I've done wrong,” “what I could have done differently,” or what I'm embarrassed or ashamed by.  So I have been grateful to reconnect with the teachings of self-compassion which I first learned years ago in a workshop with Kristin Neff and Chris Germer, pioneers in the field.  As I learned from them, there are three elements that make up self-compassion. 
 

3 Elements of Mindful Self-Compassion: 
1. Self-kindness -
 rather than ignoring our pain or beating ourselves up, we offer gentleness and the same tender loving care we would offer someone we love.  We recognize that we are imperfect beings and allow for mistakes, failings, and flaws.  We lovingly acknowledge the pain and suffering; rather than pushing it away or making it wrong, we offer comfort and nurturing.  

2. Mindfulness  - a way of being that allows us to be with our thoughts, feelings, and experiences without exaggerating or diminishing them, and without over-reacting or over-identifying with them. We maintain a little more objectivity as we become observers of this present moment.  From a mindful place we are better able to respond rather than spin out in reactivity. We remember that we are not our feelings, we are not our actions, and we are most definitely not our stories.  From this place we can see and be with what's here. 

3. Common Humanity - We remember that all humans suffer and that others have felt the same way that we are feeling in a moment of pain.  This alleviates the otherwise strong sense of isolation that says “I am the only one who's ever felt this way…”  We remember the inherent messiness of life and of being human and we may feel a little less alone.  Suffering is part of our shared human experience.  

I've enjoyed several podcasts with Kristin Neff in the past couple of weeks (one that I liked for its simplicity was with Dan Harris on Ten Percent Happier).   Through these talks I have been reminded that self-compassion is called for when there is suffering - it is a means to alleviate suffering.  Not by letting ourselves off the hook or by excusing things we've done, but rather by acknowledging our humanity, which is messy and imperfect, and by offering compassion to that part of us that is hurting.  We acknowledge the pain and suffering - we don't push it away.  We see what has happened for what it is, without minimizing or exaggerating it.  

Who Benefits from Self-Compassion?  
Everyone benefits from self-compassion...those who practice it and those who are around them because it truly carries a positive ripple with it. 

People who are especially sensitive, who feel deeply, care deeply, love with all their hearts, and walk around with an open heart, giving perhaps more than they have to give can especially benefit from these practices.  Caregivers, helpers, nurturers, perfectionists.  These are the people who carry the weight of the world, who feel responsible for everyone and everything, and who often forget to put their own care at the forefront.  They could really use a good dose of self-compassion.  


Why Practice Mindful Self-Compassion? 
This isn't some life hack or a box to check - this is a deep practice to bring more compassion and healing to yourself, and therefore to those you love and to the world. The ripple potential is great.  This is a genuine act of self-care, self-love, self-kindness which supports us in being more caring, loving, and kind in general.  

What's interesting is that the more we practice self-compassion, the more we take responsibility for our actions.  The more we are able to apologize.  The more likely we are to forgive ourselves.  We get unstuck because we have met ourselves with an open heart, letting go of the unfair and unrealistic expectation of perfection.  We don't need to armor up to protect ourselves or lash out in defense.  When we offer self-compassion we actually become more compassionate with others.   


When do we need self-compassion? 
Every day!  Every time we feel a regret or we are hurting, self-compassion is available to us. Whether you've spilled soup on your favorite jacket (or person), forgotten a friend's birthday, missed a deadline, or did something to hurt someone else. When someone has hurt you.  When you've received a scary diagnosis or you're terrified for someone you love.  When a loved one has died or you're afraid they will.  When you feel guilty or ashamed, when you wish you had known better or handled that interaction differently, it's time to gently acknowledge your human-ness and bring in some tender loving care.  The medicine for all the woulda, coulda, shoulda's is mindful self-compassion. 

As you can see the entry points of pain sit on a spectrum from what might feel mundane to what is clearly very severe.  This isn't about comparing your pain to anyone else's (if you do, bring in some self-compassion).  Your pain is yours regardless of how severe it is.  If it hurts, tend to it.  If it hurts a lot, tend to it a lot, and compassionately get some support.  


How do we practice mindful self-compassion? 
As in practicing self-care, begin by pausing and tuning in.  Acknowledge what you are feeling, perhaps as you offer yourself a compassionate touch or gesture.  Placing a hand on your heart, giving yourself a gentle hug, holding your own hand, or stroking your arm are all forms of compassionate touch - which one feels soothing and natural to you?  

Say silently to yourself, "This is a moment of pain or suffering" (find the word that resonates and feels true in this moment).  I feel _______ (angry, sad, scared, disappointed, hurt...)" whatever it is, name it.  Here is where you become the observer or witness to your experience.  You are with it, but it doesn't define or consume you. You are the person feeling the pain.  You are not the pain or emotion.  

Sit with yourself and allow yourself to feel it.  Breathe as you do.  Where do you feel it in your body?  Often you might notice a sensation in your heart, gut, throat, shoulders, or jaw.  Where do you feel it in your body in this moment?  

Ask what this part of you needs to feel loved, comforted, nurtured.  Offer that loving, nurturing, comforting care to yourself in the form of thoughts or touch.  Remember the element of common humanity.  You are not alone in your suffering.  We all suffer - this is part of being human.  

The practice of RAIN (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture) is one that might support you in these moments.  Tara Brach has many guided meditations, talks, and articles about RAIN if you would like to deepen your understanding and practice.
  

Where can you practice mindful self-compassion?  
Really, anywhere, any time.  This doesn't need to be a long, drawn-out, complicated practice.  It can happen quickly, with a pause of a few breaths.  It can happen in a meeting, in a crowded airport, in the middle of a conversation.  It can happen with other people around or you might choose to make it a more extended practice when you have more time to be alone. Perhaps you take yourself to a special place in nature and allow the trees, rocks, water, and fresh air to support you.  Or maybe you have a special room that feels soothing - go there and allow yourself all the time you need.  

Your invitation…
How and where can you bring in a little more gentleness with yourself?  Offer yourself self-compassion and grace?  Remember your humanity?  What might it be like to be less judgmental, less reactive, and to feel less alone in your moments of pain?  What would it be like to stop beating yourself up and to trust that you've done the best you can?  

What benefits do you imagine or know arise out of practicing self-compassion?

​You do not have to go it alone or only practice self-compassion.  It is a great act of care and compassion to seek support... from friends, family, coaches, support groups, doctors, or counselors.  Please reach out for help when what you're facing is too much to face alone.  Not sure where to begin reaching out?  Maybe one of the resources here will be a good starting point.  

What might the world be like if we each treated ourselves a little more kindly? I'd love to find out!  

​Resources for you

Kristin Neff's self-compassion website has a ton of resources, guided practices, and a self-assessment you can take if you'd like to get a sense of your current state of self-compassion.  
​

This week's guided meditation is “Practicing with Self-Compassion.” Give yourself the gift of a few minutes to sit with yourself as you are for this practice.  May it nourish and support you.  

Also, on my Resources Page, you can find many free supports, including many for self-compassion, mindfulness, grief, and substance use disorder.  

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What Being in Recovery Means to Me

9/16/2021

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Young man (my son) dressed in Senior Ball suit kissing woman (me) in front of a treeMe and my son 10 years ago (still one of my favorite moments that captures our joy and love)
September is National Recovery Month!

Recovery is possible for people with substance use disorder and for their families! And those things are not dependent on one another.

I am a family member in long-term recovery from the effects of my son’s substance use disorder.

What that means to me is that I have found a way to recover, reclaim, and live my life, while also loving my son. It means that my happiness, peace of mind, and well-being do not depend on his. It means I have accepted that we are separate individuals each walking our own journey and I can honor our paths and our bond. I am grateful to walk alongside him and for the depth of love this journey has brought forward for us.

It means that I am committed to living life fully, to embracing my days and showing up for my life, even on days when my son has struggled...even on days when I am struggling.  It means taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time.  It means that I have practices that help me to practice self-care and to be mindfully present - which means that I meet myself where I am honestly - some days are better than others.  I am devoted to true self care as I define it: to be true to and gentle with myself one moment at a time.  

It means remembering who I am and who he is before and beyond this disease.  It means moving toward who we may become as we each heal and grow.  

It means I have met some of the most amazing, sensitive, creative, wise, impactful , intuitive, generous and loving people who are on their own journey of recovery. They show me what’s possible and have opened my eyes and heart to the people they are beyond substance use disorder.

It means that I am committed to using the pain, lessons, love, compassion, and growth I have experienced to support others in their recovery, both family members and individuals.

It also means that I will join with other recovery advocates to break the silence and shatter the stigma around substance use disorder and call for love and compassion toward those impacted.
#recoverymonth #recoveryispossible
#familiesrecover

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Disappointing People

8/4/2021

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One thing I love about Glennon Doyle is that she is NOT afraid to address hard things or put radical ideas out there that take our breath away!  One that has stayed with me since reading Untamed is this: In a conversation with her middle-school aged daughter, Tish, when Tish was worrying about not choosing to join a club that her brother wanted her to, Glennon sagely advised, “Then don’t.”  “But I don’t want to disappoint him.”  What followed brings me to tears every time I really take it in. Here’s Glennon to Tish:
“Listen.  Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else.  Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself…Especially me.” 

Whew!  Woah!  Let me catch my breath and let’s look at that.  I certainly didn’t have a mother who encouraged me to disappoint anyone, especially her (not that she was openly disappointed with me often, but this was not the rule of the game of life). 

I do not read this as a directive to set out to hurt others or to intentionally see how many people you can disappoint.  But I do see it as an opportunity to not abandon, sacrifice, or disappoint yourself, which I think we do way too frequently without giving it a second thought.  This is an invitation to possibly get really uncomfortable as you find a new way to be in the world. 

How often do you set your needs or desires aside because of what someone else needs or wants?  How often do you think nothing of disappointing yourself?  Honestly...
  

Last week I wrote about being true to yourself as part of my definition for self-care in A Fresh Take on Self-Care.  Being true to ourselves, honoring ourselves, is at the heart of true and deep self-care.  It is also key to being in integrity. 

And, listen, sometimes when we are true to ourselves, when we make a decision that honors our sweet heart, body, or soul, someone we care about very much might be disappointed.  When we say “no” to an invitation or opportunity.  When we refuse a request because we just don’t have it in us or it doesn’t feel right at this moment.  When we say “yes” to something that conflicts with another’s desire, we will disappoint someone else. 

Life is full of choices.  Every “yes” is a “no” to something else, and so there are lots of opportunities for disappointing someone! 

When you make a choice to leave a job, end a relationship, sell the family home, move far away from all your people, say “no” to helping, etc… someone will likely be sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed. 

What happens inside you when you consider disappointing someone you really care about?  How does that feel in your body? 
What is the story you tell yourself about who you would be if you disappointed another person? 


I don’t know about you, but I get a little queasy.  I may have a story that this isn’t what a “nice person” or a “good mother/daughter/sister/friend” does.  I might try to dance around making that decision.  I will surely delay as long as possible.  I will consider heavily just giving in or settling for what they want, because it feels easier.  It feels familiar.  It’s what I’ve done for decades.  Far easier to disappoint me – then I only have to deal with myself! 

I wish I had had a parent who gave me permission or even implored me to disappoint others in order to avoid hurting my own heart or spirit.  I wish I had been that mother for my kids… I wasn’t, but I’m getting there.  I feel the strength and freedom in the incredible gift Glennon gave her daughter in this moment.  One small conversation with a middle school girl gave her permission to follow her own path, to trust her heart, to honor her joy.  Whewie!  Let’s have more of that please! 

I haven’t yet explicitly shared it with my young adult kids, but I hope to.  I want to set them free of needing to be or do anything for me (or anyone) that goes against their spirit. 

Your turn to reflect…

~ What is the cost of disappointing yourself to avoid disappointing others? 
~ How do you get clear about making a decision that is FOR you even if it seems to be against someone else?  What if there’s more to it (because there always is)?
~ How can you take a stand for yourself, have your own back and communicate your message in a way that is clean, clear, and straightforward? 
~ What helps you to make these choices, even when they are painfully hard? 
~ When have you had to do this and how has it worked out for you?  What are the upsides of disappointing others to avoid disappointing yourself? 
~ How might you play with this idea?  Who might you share it with?  Who might you free? 

Please share.  Please share your reflections and thoughts about this whole idea…  it’s a dicey one!  And one that feels like a really important game-changer in this thing called life. 
​

Stay tuned for next week’s post with more thoughts about making these tough decisions!  


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Our Need for R.E.S.T...

7/13/2021

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Coming back from a couple of days away with my husband, Tom, I am reminded how vital REST is to our spirits, bodies, minds, hearts, and nervous systems.  While we were away our only goals were to rest, relax, have fun, and flow with our days. 

Yesterday I spent the day reading, writing, and relaxing by the pool – dipping in when the sun got too hot, getting in the shade when I needed a break from the sun, and talking and laughing with Tom.  We were lighthearted and delighted by the simplicity of the day.  We did not allow work or phones to interrupt our time.  We consciously chose to take this time together to enjoy life and one another.  Summer is a great and easy time to do this as it seems to lend itself to it – there’s a collective energy of play, vacation, and lightness. 

On our drive home we listened to a podcast with Broadway sensation, Lin-Manuel Miranda, a wildly creative man!  He shared that much of his inspiration for his shows came when he was in a relaxed state – floating in a pool or on vacation.  Of course, there’s much hard work involved in bringing what he creates to life, but there is also an opening for creativity that happens when he is in a state of rest. 

I have experienced this myself and witnessed it in others – it may look like we’re procrastinating or not creating because there isn’t yet anything to show the world.  But, in reality, when we slow down and give ourselves some spaciousness, our mind is free to dream, to imagine, to visualize and we are open to receive bursts of insight, inspiration, and artistry.  Percolation time is a necessary precursor (at least for some of us) for spurts of creativity. 

It struck me that we all have a deep need for rest, for so many reasons.  As a society we are often rest-deprived, placing value on busy-ness and productivity over this restorative space that can feel like nothing is happening.  What we miss is that often, something important is still going on even though there isn’t outer evidence or product to show. When we have time and space, we can access fresh perspectives for problem solving, and our imagination can dream up things that wouldn’t be possible if we forced them.  When our nervous system can relax, we are not in a state of fight or flight, but rather receptivity, wonder, and openness.  We are more likely to respond more thoughtfully than react mindlessly.

I offer you this way to look at REST:
R – Re-boot
E – Exit
S – Space
T – Time

 
Re-boot: Just as your computer or phone can get bogged down or frozen and needs to be powered down and then re-started, we too need periodic re-boots.  Without taking a break, we become overly reactive, spinning (just like that annoying circle on your computer), going nowhere.  Our nerves are frayed, we’re depleted and drained.  We need to interrupt this spinning by stepping back from the habitual pace at which we move and the typical things we mindlessly do.  We need to power down, unplug - choose to give ourselves an intentional break to refresh, rejuvenate, re-fuel, re-energize (so many great R words… I could go on forever, but I’ll spare you! You can add your own).  This allows us to start up again with renewed energy, fresh perspective, a lighter heart.
 
Exit – Like a performer, sometimes we need to “exit stage left” from the center of our lives where all the activity is happening.  Get out of the spotlight, step behind the curtain, take off the costume, mask, and makeup and just BE.  Whether you step away for 3 minutes, 3 days, or 3 weeks, an intentional exit will give you a chance to re-boot.
 
Space – We need space in our lives – physical space, space in our schedule, distance from one another and time between activities.  I was highly aware of this on our drive.  I want several car lengths between me and the car ahead of me; I want to change lanes well before I need to make a turn and in a time when it’s safe to get over. 
 
This tendency transfers to life for me.  I don’t want to be squeezed into a tight space where I have to react without thinking, to feel pushed or rushed.  In traffic or in daily life, these scenarios make me anxious.  It’s easy to fill our schedules so tightly with calls or meetings that there is no room between meetings for a bathroom or meal break or even time to do the actual work. It’s even easier to fill our schedules so that there is no time available for the mini reboots (a quick walk outdoors, a conversation with a friend, a breath of fresh air or a day off), and we begin to feel an internal pressure of constraint and overwhelm. We need breathing room in our days in order to think clearly, be inspired or creative, show up to life’s challenges at the top of our game (or at least closer to it). 
 
Time – We need time… time alone, time to move more slowly, time to breathe, time to connect and time to reflect.  This goes very closely with space, as you can see.  We need to allow ourselves more time than we think we need to get places and finish tasks!! How many of you are overly optimistic when it comes to those kinds of things?  When we give ourselves time, we create the space which allows us to exit or step aside for a moment or more in order to re-boot. 
 
How do you know when you need a REST?
 
What are your signals when it’s time for you to give yourself this critical R.E.S.T.?  How does your body let you know?  Your mind?  Your heart?  Your spirit?  Learn to listen more closely for these internal signals so that you can respond with self-compassion and kindness.  We want to be proactive in creating this time of R.E.S.T so that we don’t find ourselves “resting” with a headache, illness, or injury. 
 
Taking time to re-boot, exit, and allow space and time will have a ripple effect!  Not only do you benefit – the people in your life will thank you too!  Give it a try and please let us know your thoughts and experiences here.  How do you like to give yourself R.E.S.T.?  What happens when you don’t?  What’s your promise to yourself in terms of honoring this need in the next little while?  

In need of a R.E.S.T?  Join me on retreat...  

If you're in need of some serious rest, please consider joining me, Sandra Sabene, and Carol Moon for this year's Let Your Light Shine Retreat, September 24-28th at the deeply restorative space that is Light on the Hill Retreat Center in the gorgeous Finger Lakes of Western NY!  We have created this time to allow you lots of space and time to let down, to connect with your inner wisdom and inspiration, to renew and be deeply nourished physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! Early bird registration closes July 31st!  

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The Cruelty of Skin Suits... and Radical Love

5/18/2021

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Skin Suits, pain, and grief... 
In the show “The Good Place,” the leaders of the Bad Place devise ways to torture people.  Perhaps their most cruel tactic was what they called “skin suits.”  The torturers were hidden inside the body of someone you loved so that you’d be fooled into thinking they were safe, loving, there for you…  and then they’d do something awful to you.  You’d feel that internal confusion of “who are you?  Why are you doing this to me?  I don’t even recognize you…”

And it struck me how much this reflects what it’s like to love someone consumed by mental illness, substance or alcohol use, or dementia.  On the outside the person still looks like our person, but on the inside, they’re not really there.  We look into their eyes trying to connect, but we just can’t find them.  They act in ways that the person we know and love never would.  They do things that are hurtful to themselves and to us. 

It’s sad and it’s lonely and it’s a unique form of grief to mourn the loss of someone who is still alive.  To love this person deeply.  To not have had a chance to say goodbye.  To have moments of connection and clarity which bring with them a bit of hope… and then to have that hope crushed to the point where you don’t dare to feel it again. 

Radical Love
What can we do when the person we see is so unfamiliar to us?  So far from the person we’ve known them to be?  Lost, even to themselves?  We can turn to radical love.  The love that carries us through impossible times and takes us to unimaginable places. 

The terms “radical acceptance” and “radical empathy” have been shared in recent trainings. Tara Brach has written books titled, Radical Acceptance and Radical Compassion, so these radical terms are floating around, perhaps more and more frequently and more and more in a positive way. 

What’s “Radical" All About?
So, let’s get curious… what is this “radical” all about?    Before I look it up (which I will), what comes to mind is a sense of extreme (it’s often connected to not such positive groups).  In these cases of acceptance, compassion, empathy, and love which all represent qualities of kindness and care, it speaks to the times we show up in ways and at times we couldn’t believe possible.  It speaks to a love that binds us even when our loved one doesn’t recognize us or isn’t available to connect with us in the way we long for.  This, to me, is radical love. 

Radical love holds you while you sit in the Emergency Room waiting room with your loved one in mental health crisis, feeling both the judgmental stares and the averted glances, feeling invisible and oh too visible all at once.  Radical love walks with you through the razor wire fences to sit in the barren room on a cold hard plastic chair to visit with your child under the watchful eye of a correctional officer. Radical love breaks your heart open and brings tears at the smallest act of kindness in an unexpected place.  It drives across country with you to visit your parent as they plot their escape from the memory care unit, and it helps you to feel both the sadness and the humor all at once.

Radical love allows you to see the humanity in the homeless person shuffling down the street.  Radical love makes the sandwich that you hand to her, without judgment in your eyes.  Radical love shows up to serve those who are too often overlooked and misunderstood.  

Radical Love Reminds You That You Too Matter…
Radical love also reminds you that you too matter.  That your well-being and sanity are worthy of your tender care.  That it is ok to take a break, to take a breath, to tend to yourself.  Radical love lifts the phone out of your hand, turns it off, and tucks you in so that you can get the rest you need to face the crisis that surely awaits.  Radical love reminds you that it’s unsustainable to be all things to all people all the time, so it quietly lifts your cape from your shoulders and brings you a cup of tea. 

Why is this love radical?  Because we’re conditioned to make sure everyone else is ok, especially the people we love, especially when they are suffering or struggling.  We’re not told that we too have needs or that even in the midst of heartache and despair you can also enjoy some time with a friend or dance with true joy or meditate in the forest. 

Society tells us “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.” Or “You have to do something…” even if there’s really nothing you can do.  Our beliefs keep us going even when we have nothing left to give.  Radical love is needed to remind us that we’re no good to anyone if we’re depleted.  It calls us to gentle ourselves and to forgive ourselves when we couldn’t make someone else change, when we couldn’t save a life.  Radical love requires radical self-compassion as well as compassion and empathy for others. 

The expert’s voice…
I promised I'd look it up, and I did.  Merriam Webster defines radical as “very different from the usual or traditional: extreme.” I wonder what it will take for these acts of empathy, love, and compassion to become more usual or commonplace.  I hope we can be part of this shift in a world that is crying for more of these qualities.
 
In her book, Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach describes it as “the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion.”  She goes on to say that “Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening or intense.  It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment’s experience.  Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is.” 

In Radical Compassion, she says it “…means including the vulnerability of this life – all life – in our heart.  It means having the courage to love ourselves, each other, and our world.  Radical compassion is rooted in mindful, embodied presence, and it is expressed actively through caring that includes all beings.”  She writes, “I have to love myself into healing.  The only path that can carry me home is the path of self-compassion.” How beautiful is that... loving ourselves into healing!

Today’s Invitation:
Today I invite you to explore these ideas for yourself… radical compassion, radical acceptance, radical empathy, and radical love.  Let’s be EXTREME with scattering these ways of being.  Where can you bring them into your world? What changes within you and in your experience when you do?  How does it feel to approach yourself, others, and life from a radically kinder stance? I've recorded this meditation as a way to support you in stepping into this.  

When you next encounter someone you care about and find they’re wearing a skin suit, see if you can look beneath the surface to find the soul within and love them anyway.  It isn’t personal.  They’re just not able to be who you know them to be in this moment.  Maybe your remembering will help them to remember who they are one day…  maybe your love will help you remember who you are. 
​
Please let us know your thoughts and experiences.  Let’s learn and grow together in a radical way! 

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Grief and Love

3/9/2021

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PictureImage by Mehrshad Rezaei from Pixabay
Grief and loss have been on my mind a lot lately.  I woke up thinking about grief and love the other day – how they are intricately interwoven in this human experience.  To love is to lose, and to lose is to grieve.  That’s not being pessimistic or dramatic.  It’s just true. 

If you open your heart to someone, it will likely get broken at some point in some way.  And, it is worth the risk because the heart is meant to open.  The heart is meant to love. 

“The angels want us to love with all our heart,
even though love always hurts,
to take the risk to glean the gold.”
From “The Angels Want,” in 111 Invitations, by Barb Klein
 
This poem, “The Angels Want,” speaks to this quite beautifully, I believe.  In general, as a society, we don’t do pain well – sadness, anger, grief, fear, hurt… we think these are things to “get over” in order to get back to happy.  We’re missing a profound part of the human experience by taking that approach. 
 
Unfortunately, too often we make pain wrong.  We judge the person who is feeling these things for “too long,” rather than sitting beside them as they sit in their pain. We try to make the pain go away with simple platitudes and empty promises that "this will get better."  
 
We create fairy tale images of love in all forms – partnership, parenthood, friendship, work… and these idealized loves cannot be lived up to in real life.  Pain is part of the deal.  It does not mean we are doing anything wrong – it means we are exquisitely alive to this human experience.  If we are to live, we will hurt.  Not all of the time.  But some of the time – sometimes deeply, and some hurts we will carry with us forever. 
 
And, yet, we will still find joy and peace.  It is not one or the other.  We don’t have to choose.  This is where we confuse ourselves because we think that if we are sad or grieving, we should only suffer.  We think if we are happy and in love or things are going well, we should only feel good.  We forget that being human is messy.  That life is messy.  That we are called to live in the midst of it all – to feel a little (or a lot) of this here and there. 
 
“The angels want us to get lost in extreme ecstasy
and bathe in unimaginable grief,
allowing the emotions to wash over and through us,
cleansing, refreshing, and rebirthing as they flow.”
From “The Angels Want”
  
Grief and gratitude – they coexist within us.  As we come upon the one-year anniversary of the COVID pandemic and quarantine, it’s likely you’ll reflect that the past year has been full of both.  The more we allow ourselves to feel the depth and breadth of these experiences, the more alive we truly are.  Fully alive doesn’t mean feeling good; it just means feeling everything more. 
 
I have been guilty of the “stay in the feel-good arena” more often than I’d like to admit – for myself and for those I care about.  I’ve not done any of us any service by trying to move us out of the painful place too soon.  To learn to be with ourselves, with one another in the depths of pain – this is the gift of the open-hearted human experience. 
 
We can do better.  We can live more fully when we stop making it wrong to cry, to scream, to hurt.  When we stop numbing the pain, we are more open to the bliss.  When we stop over-simplifying what we think life will be/should be, we can get on with living the life that is here, with all of its moments and phases.  Afterall, “the angels want us to live while we are here…” (from “The Angels Want”)
 
Want to be a better support person for someone who’s hurting? 
Here’s a great short video by Brene Brown about empathy that offers some tips on how to be with someone in their sadness or pain.  It’s something that we have not been taught.  It’s OK not to know.  And it’s skillful to learn to do better.  Here’s another video from Refuge in Grief about How do You Help a Grieving Friend? 

More resources are available on my Resources page - this topic feels important enough to have its own section.  Please let me know if you have other great resources I should add!  

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Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

12/21/2020

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Today marks the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere.  On this darkest day of the year, the pivotal moment between dark and light, it is the perfect time to honor the darkness that has come into our lives through addiction.  It is a time to honor those who have been lost to the disease, to remember them with love.  It is a time to honor the struggle and the perseverance of those who are on the journey of recovery, and to honor ourselves and other loved ones who have also found a way through the darkness. 

In honoring the darkness and in grieving the losses we have endured, we bring those moments into the light.  When we bring them into the light, they are no longer hiding in the shadows, lurking in shame, or hidden in silence.  We claim and name our experience.  We see it for what it has been.  We presence it. 

When we do this, we are able to step forward into the light.  Just as the days begin to get longer with a bit more light from tomorrow on, we too can begin to bring more light into our homes and our beings. 

Addiction is a painful disease, as you undoubtedly know.  It affects everyone in its wake and can take down entire families with the weight of its suffering. 

However (and this is a big however), the journey from darkness to light does not have to take us out forever.  It is possible to find hope, joy, peace, love, and to create a brighter tomorrow, even when we have been impacted by addiction. 

If you are reading this, you are alive, and for that fact alone there is reason to celebrate.  You have been given the opportunity to live one more day.  What will you do with this one precious life you have been given?  How will you set your soul free to express itself?  What is uniquely yours to do?

Is there some way to honor your journey up to this very moment--the good, the bad, and the ugly, the full messiness of it all?  The painful, the joyous, the fearfulness, and the hope?  Whatever it’s looked like in the past, today marks a new day, albeit a short one.  Tomorrow offers the light of fresh possibility, as each day does.  How do you want to step into tomorrow? 

If we are able to find a way to turn our pain (or darkness) into possibility (or light), we can transform these heavy experiences into something that serve and support us and others.  We can show up for life more fully.  We can become who we were born to be. 

Let’s face it, 2020 has carried a full load of darkness, collectively, along with anything that you might have experienced personally. 

For many the holidays are emotionally-charged times and may bring in a healthy mix of emotions… sadness, joy, celebration, loneliness. I know I will be feeling both sadness for those who are not with us during this holiday season as well as joy and gratitude for those who are. 

There is room for it all.  When we allow ourselves to feel it all, to allow our hearts to carry this messy mix of what makes us human, we are able to move through it. 

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brene Brown
 
So, let this pivotal day be a day that marks the honoring of both the dark and the light.  Let us take a step back and look at the big picture of our lives and recognize that our experiences have not been all good or all bad, but rather a mix of both. 

Addiction can entomb us with its heavy cloak of darkness if we let it, but we can choose to lift up the corner of that cloak and peek outside.  We can lay down the heaviness and step into the light.  We get to choose. 

We may well prefer the moments of lightness, light-heartedness, and light in general, but there is also a gift to receive during the dark and challenging times.  We must be willing to sit with this part of our reality if we are to truly enjoy the light. 

I have found that it is in the dark where I have grown the most.  I wonder if that might be true for you as well.  I offer you this poem for consideration.  

The Places We Grow
It’s in the dark,
in the shadows,
where we stretch and grow.
 
We face ourselves
and see a new or forgotten aspect,
a piece we’d rather ignore or deny.
 
But there it is…
staring us down,
daring us to change,
to find a new way,
or to simply come into acceptance.
 
Sometimes it’s about overcoming
or adjusting.
Finding a way to do this with
love, compassion,
and gentle communion.
 
Honoring the self…
who I am,
where I am,
what I need,
what my baggage is.
 
And stepping into a deeper layer,
excavating and shifting,
allowing new light in,
and new hope out.
 
These are the places we grow –
often watered
and nourished with tears.
  © Barb Klein, 2016, “The Places We Grow,” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life
 
Where and how can you nourish yourself today?  How might you allow some new light in--to your being, to your life?  How can you allow a little more hope to shine into the world? 
 
Begin by greeting yourself exactly where you are--gently, with tenderness, care, and compassion.  Offer yourself the space and grace to feel into what’s alive within your heart at this moment.  Ask your heart what it needs at this moment to be truly nurtured and nourished.  Then respond accordingly.  You deserve your own loving care.
 
We are on the cusp of a new year and we can only hope that 2021 is bringing with it new possibility, hope, and fresh beginnings.  Today let’s pause.  Let’s look at our lives and our loved ones with reverence. Let’s honor this journey where we have walked, crawled, and stumbled while we look ahead to the light of new creativity.  Let’s let this darkest day of the year—December 21-- be a personal pivotal moment for us to enter an illuminated future.  

* Originally published in MomPower. org 


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A Vow

1/1/2020

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Often in our lives we make vows that serve to keep us safe or comfortable, but don’t really serve us in the grander scheme of things… vows like, “I’ll show them!”  “I will NEVER be like _______!” (likely someone who probably has some good qualities as well as whatever you are reacting to right now). “ I am not someone who ______!” (takes a risk that might actually bring joy or peace). “I will never love again!”  “This is just who I am.”  You get the idea…  do you have any of these? 

This morning I awoke with a strong vow brewing within me, needing to be expressed.  This is what it is  – I vow to bring something positive out of our experience with addiction into this world.  And, more importantly, I vow that addiction will NOT take my life, regardless of what it does to my son.  It does not have to break me, shatter me, or my world. 

This came to me almost as a promise to my son as I reflected on people I love, people who are my teachers – this journey will not be for nothing.  I feel a strong awareness and strength that I am still here.  I am still standing…despite many years of turbulence. I will do something positive and not let this monster destroy me, destroy us.  I am taking a stand for my life, my marriage, my work, and my larger family.  This is a stand I can take against this beast which seeks to consume and destroy my son, as well as everything in its wake. 

​I get to draw the line on where its damage stops.  It does not get to take everything from me.  Period.  That is within my control.  I do not have the disease.  It is not coursing through my veins and brain, and it does not get to define me or my life. 

This feeling is strong and vital as it surges through me – this life force energy that declares, “I will live.  I will thrive.  You cannot take me too.”  It’s not an angry reactive feeling, but rather a deeply calm, clear, and oh-so-strong knowing deep, deep, deep in my soul.  

I have purpose.  I have passion, and I will embody them and be a light in this world.  A lighthouse.  A beacon for those who are lost in stormy waters.  I do not have to go down with my son, and I most certainly will not, no matter how many times it beats at my shores, knocks me down, tears at my heart.  Again, and again I will stand – I will rise again and lift others up as we stare down this beast, and say, “NO!  Your damage stops here!” 

Well, all righty then… happy New Year!  Here I am world!  Apparently writing my manifesto for the decade… The power in this image and these words is palpable.  I am here. I am alive. I claim my life and step boldly, strongly into 2020, this year, this decade, this next day of my life. 

That’s all each of us is asked to do in any given moment – just show up.  Don’t give up.  Don’t hide out.  Show up.  The world needs what each of us has to bring and no one else has what you have to offer.  Your experiences, your vision, your words, your creativity – uniquely yours and deeply needed.  It doesn’t matter what’s already been said or done… no one else has done or ever will do what YOU have to offer.  There is only one _____________ (insert your name here), and there will never be another like you. 

We each have demons and things that threaten our well-being, peace of mind, and happiness.  What are yours and what stand do you want to take on behalf of yourself this day? 

As for me?  I vow to make this life matter.  I vow to take what I’ve learned from some of my most painful experiences and offer them as hope, strength, and inspiration.  And, I vow to enjoy my life – to live while I can, with no waiting.  I will be brave and courageous and wholehearted in my living – thank you, Brene´ Brown for that inspiration!  I am here and I choose to live! 

How about you? 
​As you step into this day, this new year, this new decade, what vow will you make as a heart promise to yourself?  Where can you be a light? Please drop me a note or share below.  I’d love to hear!  Together we help each other to see possibilities we may not have imagined before.  I stand beside you as we journey boldly into this new moment.  
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Sitting with Sadness

7/24/2019

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I woke up feeling super sad the other morning...and I don't really know why.  As I journaled with the grey rain falling down around me, the tears came, and I just let them.  As the day went on, I also spiraled into moments of frustration, anger, self-doubt, self-judgment - basically a messy stew of ickiness that I really don't like sitting in!  As I made up stories about why I was feeling this way, I knew they were just that - stories made up by me that weren't grounded in reality, but just a reflection of how shitty I was feeling, wanting to be able to place the blame somewhere, wanting to somehow make sense of this... 
 
Sitting with sadness… 
Can you sit with it?  Of course, you can, but who wants to?  I find myself having many other preferred feelings and an acute desire to jump out of my own skin and beyond the sadness into whatever’s next!  Anything is better than this lonely empty place.  Sometimes even anger is a welcome relief, simply to break up the dull ache.

And yet, if I can sit with my sadness when it’s here, this is part of coming home to myself. With love, with honesty, with kindness and compassion, and with integrity. With tears, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, with all of my doubts and worries.  This IS self-care – the part we don’t often talk about.

When I can consciously sit with my sadness, I allow myself to sink into the feeling in my body – is it warm, heavy, tingly, spiky?  I let go of pretending that everything is fine. I let the tears flow.   I let go of the forced smile. 

I let go of the things I do to avoid feeling the sadness – you know, filling up my time with busy tasks, getting lost in social media hoping to find some true connection (oh, honey… this is not where you’ll find that!), housing that pint of Haagen Das (it really doesn’t even taste good), sleeping longer than I need to, or distracting myself basically in any way possible. 


Filling the Void... 
We all have our ways of seeking to fill that void.  Brené Brown talks about it as numbing and Jennifer Louden names these are our “shadow comforts.”  These things that we do take us away from the uncomfortable feeling.  They may even appear to be good choices at times, but they don’t really fill us up or nourish us.  In fact, they usually take us away from the things that truly would. 

And yet, all of this is part of being human.  We all go through these times, and it can be hard to know what to do with it.  I was talking with my friend, Mary, about this and she shared an experience of sitting with one of her young students whose feelings had been hurt.  She offered him this choice... did he want her to give him strategies to feel better or just let him be sad for as long as he needed to?  He chose to just feel sad... for about 5 minutes bawled his eyes out while she sat with him and gave him all the space he needed to feel exactly what he was feeling.  Then he was done.  Ready to move on.  What a gift Mary gave this little boy.  Too often we rush to find the "feel good" feeling again and skip over this part of our humanity.  Too often we try to make others feel better rather than just sitting with them. 

You are Not Alone... 
Does it suck?  Yup.  Does it mean there’s something wrong with you?  Not necessarily.  Are you alone when you're in this place?  No.  It sure felt that way to me that morning, and yet in reality, I was not.  I found a couple of friends who have the ability to sit with me in my messiness and hear all of the dark thoughts that creep into my mind.  I cried.  I remembered we all have these days.  I didn’t beat myself up too terribly much for being in that state.  Too often we add to the suffering by getting upset with ourselves for being upset! 

So, the next time you find yourself swamped by sadness, whether it’s expected or not, whether it makes sense or not, give yourself the grace of being a human being who feels.  I invite you to allow yourself the time to gently be with yourself and allow yourself to feel into it, rather than trying to push it down or away.  Be with yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feels – it is oh, so natural.  Give yourself the grace to get the support you need – reach out to a friend, get to a counselor, ask for help and allow yourself to receive it.   You don’t have to go it alone… 

And, if this is more than a passing sadness, but something that is taking you down and out of your life, please seek professional help.  Here are some resources to get you started: National Institute of Mental Health.

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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
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barb@inspiredpossibility.com