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Life, Death, and Rebirth

5/10/2022

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This is the name of one of the Tai Chi moves we do in Tai Chi for Recovery, and it strikes me that this is what this season of Spring is all about.

Nature is making it abundantly clear that we are in a time of transition.  Each of these elements: life, death, and rebirth are at play.

I see life in the trees and flowers budding and springing to life, in the baby ducklings scurrying to keep up with their mother as they somersault haphazardly off the bank, frantic to not be left behind.  There is life in the call of the migrating loons on our lake – these visitors that are only here for a short while.  The longer days with more sunshine and the skies filled with birds flitting busily about feel very much alive.

As trees and plants come to life, we can also see the ones that did not make it.  The death and decayed material on the forest floor that now becomes the base of life for new growth. 

Rebirth – the perennials and bulbs that miraculously burst through the ground after so many months of hibernation, resting, doing whatever magical things they do in the soil when the snow and grey days are here.   The tiny lilacs, their buds the size of a tiny pearl, slowly becoming more vibrant, more open each day.

And I am reminded of these cycles that live within each one of us all the time.  We are always in transition, whether we know it or not.  Physically our bodies change every single day – as Wayne Dyer used to remind us, we are not the body we were at 6 months old, even though we are still the same person. 

As we learn, grow, and evolve, our thoughts change. We find new ways. We unlearn old ones that are not helpful and maybe even harmful.  We replace old, destructive habits with new healthy ones.  We slip back.  We begin again.  Life, death, rebirth. 

Bursts of inspiration and energy carry us toward possibility.  Fear and doubt stop us in our tracks.  Then we begin again, slowly gaining traction.  Life, death, rebirth. 

Dreams and ideas fall away as new ones come to light.  Roles are abandoned or redefined.  We step into a new sense of self, perhaps one that feels more aligned with who we are in this chapter of our life. 

It seems in every group I participate in, people are talking about feeling “up in the air,” uncertain of the future.  I sense a heightened awareness to the truth that we don’t know what lies ahead.  We don’t know.  Individually and collectively, we have no ability to see, with certainty, how our next move will play out down the line.  For some at some times this brings fear and anxiety.  We want to know.  Our minds love to think they’re in charge and that if we craft just the right plan, then surely, we’ll be ok.  We’ll be safe.  Now we can go ahead.  We forget that plans are destined to be changed. 

Others are more comfortable with stepping out into risks, taking a chance, making the next move that feels like the next right or best step.  We do what we can to set ourselves up for success. And, as we step into action, maybe we weigh pros and cons.  We do the research, play out scenarios, try to prepare for all that could come up.  (I certainly do that and have likely wasted a lot of time and energy in the past in this mental activity – somehow it makes me feel better.  Gives me a false sense of security).  Sometimes we simply take a leap of faith, trusting that if we don’t learn to fly, the net will appear. 

On my last retreat I spoke about the sense that my heart just keeps breaking open.  A friend asked what that looks like.  The best answer I could give is that I’m filling with compassion to the extent that I can no longer tolerate things that are not Love.  That I feel both a sense of urgency and also a call to slow down and savor.  To pause and notice the teeny tiny buds, to listen to the birds, to not miss life’s unfolding.  To really be present with a friend.  To reach out and put everything else aside so that I can just listen and hear what’s going on in her heart.  To stop telling my son what to do, but to get curious, ask, and give him space to open his heart to me.  To share our thoughts, our feelings with a sense that what we’re up to is somehow very, very sacred. 

And, also, urgency… I feel a pull to show up more and more authentically, to speak up, to speak out, to be part of the revolutionary work I am called to.  To notice that there are more causes that need attention than I can even imagine, and if I try to take them all on, I will be completely burnt out and ineffective in everything I do.  So, slowing down, asking within and getting clear on what causes I am here to serve.  Howard Thurman’s words live in my heart:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

The energy of these words pulses through my heart and veins.  I can literally feel it calling me to life.  Letting go of ideas I’ve had about who I was or what I should be doing – allowing them to die away so that I can be reborn into this new day.  Aligning more and more with what Parker Palmer calls my “soul’s imperative…”  That call which I cannot deny. 

Can you feel this within yourself?  This letting go or dying off of old things, old ways, as you step into new life with fresh energy, new possibility, new beginnings to be born anew as this next version of you? 

When I witness people release a career that’s been bogging them down for decades and allow themselves to feel the excitement of a fresh possibility, as they allow their creative muse to take them to a dream that’s been hidden or a light that beckons, I can feel them coming to life! There is a tingling in the air when someone listens to the call of their heart or soul. When someone says “Yes!” to a dream they have no idea how to fulfill. When they simply take that first small step.  Life in the making! 


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Obsession, Overwhelm, and Opening

4/18/2022

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Obsession
Ah, yes, Obsession – From Oxford Languages: ob·ses·sion – the state of being obsessed with someone or something.  "she cared for him with a devotion bordering on obsession"
- an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.
 
Waking this Saturday morning with the awareness of my own obsession.  Noticing how even something you’re passionate about can become too much.  Can lead to overwhelm.  Recognizing that when you work in a field that’s linked to a deep personal and ongoing experience, there often is no break. 
 
I live and breathe addiction and recovery.  I immerse myself in learning more, joining groups where I read and comment on people’s confusion, fear, anger, and loss. Not a day goes by where at least one parent shares the loss of their child. Every day is full of posts of people saying they can’t take it anymore, asking for advice from strangers who don’t know their family, but who are more than willing to chime in.   I extract myself from groups that perpetuate messages that I find harmful and unhelpful.  I stay in those that spread fresh ideas, compassion, and hope, but even those spaces can be too much. 
 
Many of the books spread around my home relate to the topic, reflecting my ever-present desire to learn and grow, to be the best mom, the best coach, and best support person I can be.  I want to know all there is to know in an unknowable field.  As I glance around and see the titles, I feel the weight.  It seems somehow the more I learn, the more inadequate I feel. 
 
Working for myself from home also contributes to this sense of overwhelm.  There’s never a distinct separation between work and home – no physical distance, especially in such a small space.  No clear ending time unless there are other plans.  It’s too easy for work thoughts, topics, programs, and conversations to seep into my “off hours.” 
 
Overwhelm
o·ver·whelm – verb - bury or drown beneath a huge mass.
Similar: swamp, submerge, engulf, bury, deluge, flood, inundate, clog, overload, overburden, bring someone to their knees
give too much of a thing to (someone); inundate.
"they were overwhelmed by farewell messages"
 
Phew, ok! Thanks, Oxford Languages for that clarity… yes, today, I feel the overwhelm brought on by my (very devoted and very well-meaning) obsession.  I feel a need to unbury myself, to emerge from the swamp, to unclog and unload the weight I’ve been carrying.   I have the ability to shut out the deluge of information and input.  I get to choose how I spend my time, where I devote my energy, what I read and listen to, and to pace myself in a way that feels sustainable and onward-leading.
 
Before I am brought to my knees, let me remember that I have the choice for how I spend my time, where I put my attention, and who and what I allow into the sacred spaces of my heart and mind. 
 
Opening
 
And, so my question for today’s #AtoZChallenge is: How can I create some space to nourish, nurture, and replenish myself?  Not just immediately, but on a more regular basis.  But, I’ll begin with today, this moment, because that’s what’s here.  Then I’m sure that will inform my consciousness about life overall. 
 
I need a break – a break that has nothing to do with travel or vacation; I have had plenty of that recently.  I need a break in my own head, heart, and home, so I am giving myself a two-day break this weekend (after this piece is written). 
 
Before I even wrote my morning pages, I deleted Facebook and Instagram from my phone for these days in order to resist the temptation to mindlessly grab, scroll, and get hooked in for an hour or more without even noticing.  I immediately felt lighter.  I know I might find myself checking the weather app more than usual, but that’s ok. It won’t hook me for too long! 
 
I put my phone on Do Not Disturb, allowing only calls and messages from immediate family and close friends to come through.  I need some breathing room.  I’ve been way too cranky lately, on edge, unsettled… feel like I’m caving in on myself. 
 
Thankfully some spark of inspiration showed me the way out!  Thankfully, I remember that I’m in charge of my schedule and my environment.
 
I will choose to spend time doing things that uplift and inspire me.  I will choose time with people I enjoy, doing things that are fun and unrelated to work.  If I read, it will be a novel.  If I listen, it will be to dance or sing or be inspired.   If I watch, it will be to laugh or to cry, but it will be for pleasure (yes, I do love a good cry). 
 
I will bake, I think.  It’s a grey rainy, almost snowy day here, and so filling our home with warmth and good smells of cookies or corn bread sounds wonderful. We will cook a nice meal to enjoy with our son.  I will change the tablecloth from fall colors to butterflies – that alone lightens up the space.  I will clear the counter of its excess.  Why do horizontal surfaces so quickly and easily get cluttered?  Why are they so inviting for all the things I can’t immediately decide what to do with? 
 
I will also work with my husband to continue cleaning and clearing space.  We both feel the Springtime desire to purge.  We need more room to breathe.  There is simply too much stuff in this space.  Sometimes I enjoy going through my wardrobe, dresser, and drawers to find what is ready to leave us.  Something that will delight someone else, and choosing to let it go.  That energy is alive within me this season, so I want to lean into it and let it support me in making the tough choices to release and let go. 
 
I will devote time for practices that nurture my soul.  Meditation has somehow slipped to the wayside too often lately.  Tai Chi too.  Yoga far too seldom.  I need to flood myself with these things that calm my nervous system, that soothe my soul, that relax and restore me.  Instead of 20 minutes doom scrolling, don’t you think I’ll feel better if I come into gentle presence with myself?  I do! 
 
So, how about you?  Where do you feel overwhelm?  Any obsessions that are getting more of your time and energy than they deserve?  How might you create a little spaciousness in your heart, mind, and home?  What is opening for you?  


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Change - Constant, Complicated, and Uncomfortable

4/4/2022

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I’m sure you’ve heard, “The only constant is change.” And, in my experience, that seems right.  Things are always changing, whether we like it or not.  However, things and people don’t always change as quickly or as easily as we’d like. 

As you’ve contemplated a change yourself or gotten frustrated with a loved one for not changing, do any of these thoughts sound familiar?   “Oh, come on now!  Just do it!  You must not want it badly enough, or you would have done it by now.  Why haven’t you moved on!?”  These thoughts are often uttered to ourselves or others.  So often, we seem to think that all you need to do is make up your mind, decide, and get going.  We forget how hard it is to actually change habits and behaviors. 

We have routines, patterns, and comfort zones.  It takes some effort to get from old ways to new ones, particularly when we’re looking at behaviors that have served us well or offered us something we have wanted or needed. 

Some things I’ve learned through my Recovery Coach training have transformed the way I understand change.  When I remember, they bring a little more gentleness, patience, and compassion to myself and others as we move through a process of change. 

Stages of Change
I had no idea there were clearly identifiable stages in the change process until I learned the Stages of Change Model developed by Prochaska and DiClemente
 (click the link to learn more).  Fascinating!  A circular model of Precontemplation – Contemplation – Preparation – Action – Maintenance – Relapse – Precontemplation…  one can exit and re-enter at any phase.  Fascinating!  Eye-opening! 

Someone who looks “not ready” or “not wanting” to change might be in the Precontemplation or Contemplation phase.  It's hard to tell from just observing.  Perhaps they have not yet begun to think about making a change.  Maybe they aren’t aware that their behavior is problematic or they can’t begin to wrap their head around what change might involve.  They don’t need to be judged as bad or immoral for that.

Another huge eye-opener for me is that there a couple of phases between this “not yet thinking about it” and actually taking action.  In our human impatience, especially when the stakes are really high, it can be hard to allow for the time for processing (Contemplation) and planning (Preparation) before someone is actually ready to take steps toward changing the behavior. 

I can’t tell you how often my son said, “OK… I’m ready” and I was packing his bags for whatever was next.  “I’m ready” may have just meant he was ready to admit there was a problem, ready to consider pros and cons, ready to explore options.  When we have loved ones struggling with problematic substance use, we can understandably feel over-eager to jump from Contemplation to Action. We can struggle to understand that Contemplation and Preparation can take time.  Sometimes a lot of time. 


I know for myself, when I’ve hit a point of being unhappy with certain habits, I don’t always grant myself time to think about it, consider options, and really commit to a plan that sounds interesting or appealing.  It's easier to get down on myself for not having done something about it already. (Ever done that?) 

Understanding that Relapse (returning to the old behavior) is also a common occurrence in change can help normalize it and alleviate some panic.  Rather than jumping to, “Here we go again. You’ve just undone all that you had done up til this poin,.”  we can understand it as a slip and a chance to learn and begin again.  Nothing is cancelled out.  Understanding relapse as part of change can take away the sense of failure that is so often attached to it.  Yup, I missed a day of exercise, I had a glass of wine, I ate the brownie.  Ok, reckon with that and move on.  It doesn’t have to take you spiraling down into a pit of despair or self-condemnation. 

Ambivalence
Even after we understand the stages of change, we also need to understand this thing called  ambivalence and that it is part of change.   Ambivalence is a normal human reaction to any significant change.  Why?  Because you are giving something up or leaving something or someone behind.  Even though you are also moving toward something you desire, there is a whole lot of uncertainty around how it’s actually going to go…  Ambivalence says, “I want to make this change AND I also really don’t want to make this change.”  Ambivalence is not necessarily a lack of commitment.  Change takes time.  Change takes effort.  Change is very uncomfortable. 

Think about any big change you’ve considered making… leaving a job or relationship, moving to a new home or state, giving up alcohol or sugar, exercising more…  Can you relate to this sense of “I want to… I don’t want to…” stirring within you?  Totally natural.  Even when you’re considering giving up a relationship, habit, or job that you know is detrimental or toxic there may be ambivalence. 

How might understanding the Stages of Change and Ambivalence help you to be more compassionate, kind, gentle, and patient with yourself or a loved one?  What have you said or thought in the past that wasn’t helpful?  What might you say instead that would be more encouraging, understanding and supportive? 

Imagine someone offering you that kind of deep listening.  What would it be like to  feel seen, heard, validated and much freer to make the choice you want?  Alternatively, if someone told you what you needed to do… “You need to go to this program.  You need to start now....” it's pretty natural to feel resistant and defensive. 

We can be part of the change we wish to see or we can get in the way depending on how we interact (with ourselves or others).  

One of my favorite change quotes:
"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."  - Wayne Dyer 

Where might you play with this in your life?  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic in the comments!  

 

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A to Z Blogging Challenge Theme Reveal...

3/24/2022

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I am trying something new to me this year! The Blogging from A to Z April Challenge #AtoZChallenge What this means is that every day in the month of April, except Sundays, I will post a theme-related blog based on the letter of the day.



​And today is reveal day... Drumroll, please!! The theme I am working with is
Question (Almost) Everything!

Inspired by Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved, (and because I truly know the value and power of good evocative, provocative, beautiful questions) I thought it might be fun to live into some questions – to look at our conditioning, the stories, actions, and beliefs we’ve bought into and why we do and say some of these things. Who taught us to believe this, where and when did we pick up this idea, and what might we choose instead?

Some will be serious, some will be silly... and lord knows, I hope I can come up with 26 topics to think about and that I can be disciplined and structured enough to post every day! This will definitely be challenging for me, and a good stretch for my writer self.

What do you think? What questions do you have that I might explore? What conditioning are you curious about? What belief, cultural narrative, actions, or simple pithy sayings drive you crazy? Send me a message and let me know, please! I'll need some help coming up with something for every letter!

The blogs will be posted right here on my Inspired Possibility blog and will also be emailed to anyone who would like to receive them. Thanks to those who have already subscribed to this special list. Email me if you too would like to receive these A to Z posts!

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Heart Revolution

3/1/2022

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Today I come to you with a birthday wish… cause, yeah, it is my birthday!  But, before we get into all of that - how's your heart? Right now?  In this moment?  Go ahead… stop reading and doing whatever else you're doing and check in.  I like to place a hand or two on my heart to help bring to me to this center within.  What does your heart need in this moment?  How can you tend to your heart this day?  Because we need you and we need your heart to be well-loved, well-supported, and well-resourced for what I'm about to invite you into.  ❤

 Now, my wish… will you please, pretty please, join me in a Heart Revolution!?  I'm not even entirely sure what that means completely yet, but it's revealing itself to me bit by bit over these past few days so I'm going to try to share it with you here. As I write, know that I'm writing to myself and my heart as well as to you! 

Birthdays always invite me to pause and reflect – reflect on the past…what life has been, and also to look ahead to what’s possible. 

This week I took an hour and wrote a letter to what I am calling Beloved, a source of wisdom beyond my small self – for 30 minutes I poured my heart out about concerns, desires, questions that were within me.  Then I took another 30 minutes to write a letter from Beloved to me (and, interestingly, she also called me “Beloved.”)  As I wrote, I felt myself surrounded by a loving powerful presence.  It felt good to take that time to tap into this wisdom, and I was reminded to give myself truly nourishing grace and space.  So, I did.

I gave myself a period of time with no expectations. No pressure.  No filling of the time with tasks or work.  Our time here in Hilton Head is winding down, and I have 2 full days of training this week, so I want to allow myself to move through the other days moment by moment.  I’m looking at all the work and books I brought with me (of course more than I could possibly do or read in these couple of months – I always do, because I like choices).  I can be disappointed and upset with myself and focus on what’s undone or unread, or I can appreciate what I have gotten done and that I’ve allowed the books and projects to call to me. I can remember that January was largely consumed with grief and the energy that that required, and I can be grateful that I was able to give myself time to be with that. 

The to-do lists will always, always, always be never-ending!  There will always be work that could be done, classes that could be taken, chores that are waiting.  And so, we have to work to actually choose life!  We have to actively claim moments to enjoy life. 

There will always be pain and sadness and suffering in our own lives, in people we love, and in the world at large.  And, there is also always love, peace, joy, goodness, and generosity.  We can choose where we direct our attention and what energy we bring and spread in the world. 

The world needs an infusion of hope, love, compassion, and possibility right now.  When we focus on what’s possible rather than on what’s wrong, we become part of the solution, part of the sea of change.  I believe in us as humans, in our inherent goodness.  In our ability to grow and evolve.  I believe and know that we are more than what we see on the news. 

There will always be fear, anger, and horror while simultaneously there is prayer, loving kindness, and compassionate aid.  Join me in brightening the tapestry of humanity by looking toward what’s possible, healing, and coming together.  We are more than we know.  We can become greater than what we can imagine, and not through power over or cruelty, hatred, or division, but through love, compassion, kindness and an understanding of our connection to all beings. 

This does not mean bury your head in the sand.  No.  Honor your pain.  We must face head-on the reality of what’s before us, of the things that trouble and horrify us, and absolutely do what we can to assist.  This is not a spiritual bypass or toxic positivity.  It is a call to look at what’s here and bring a fierce compassion to it, refusing to get on the bandwagon of hatred and division, so that we as a people and a planet become better, stronger, more resilient, and better able to survive.  We become part of the healing.

Destruction and devastation coexist with transformation, new birth, growth, and evolution.  As things are torn apart, new possibilities arise.  We do not live in a static world…things are constantly in motion.  Nothing stays the same.  So, we get to choose, moment by moment, our role in this grand play. 

It’s why coming home to ourselves is where we must begin.  Find your ground, your center, and speak and act from that place – solid within, connected to both Earth and Universe. Tap into your own guiding light of purpose, integrity, alignment and ask, "What would Love do?  What is my action to take to contribute to the greater good?"  

We can do this on a personal level and also for greater community and global crises.  I guess that's why I wrote about Filling Your Own Cup last time.  We need to be filled up, rested, nourished in order to show up in this way.  
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Find your faith.  Pray your prayers.  Send your good vibes.  Believe in hope and possibility. Allow yourself to dream of a better tomorrow.  Be part of a revolution of humanity, compassion, and love.  Each day this is the opportunity.  Feed the fear, frenzy, aggression and division or bring love, peace, care, calm, and connection.  Begin right here in this intentional moment.  It will lead you to the next.  

When you begin to spin, react, get caught in the madness, come back.  To breath.  To life – it’s happening right here.  Re-center.  Re-ground.  And, begin again.  Choose to live for those who can’t.   Send strength and love to those in need.  Be a beacon of light and a force of love.  Do what you can to make a difference in the way you can in the place you are called to. 
Each and every one of us matters.  Each and every one of us makes a difference, for better or for worse – our energy ripples out.  In this moment you get to choose.  No one else is in charge of how you show up to life and for life.  That’s on each one of us.  No matter what. 

Who do you want to be?  How do you want to be? Deep down inside… for real.  Bring that!  It’s more than enough.  Just be real.  With all your heart.  The revolution begins within, and then with coming together with other inspired, empowered beings ready to be part of something better - those who dare to dream, who dare to see the humanity in one another no matter outward appearances, who know and respect the beauty of the land and all of her inhabitants.  People who dare to love despite the certainty of heartbreak.  Now is not a time to stand silent. Now is a time to show up boldly, bravely, in places you are called.  Let’s be part of a heart revolution! 

Your invitation (should you choose to accept it):
Take some time to quiet your mind and connect with the wisdom of your heart. If writing is your way, write.  If you prefer to paint or draw, do that.  If you’re a visionary, allow the vision to come to you.  But, find a place where you can sit quietly and ask for insight, guidance, fresh perspective, and new ideas for a problem in your life or in the world.  Allow your mind to be open, let yourself be surprised, and see what comes.  Ask to be shown.  Listen.  Allow it to flow to you and through you so that you become a vessel of this wisdom. 

Remember Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversation with God books?  Each one of us has access to a Wisdom beyond our mind.  Each one of us can tap into a wisdom that comes through our heart.  When we act from this place, we surprise even ourselves with what’s possible. 
 
Dare to dream.  Dare to hope.  Dare to ask.  Write down your question or what you’re struggling with before you go to sleep and allow insights to come in your dreams. 

Together we will rise.  Here's a meditation to support you.  And, here’s a powerful and beautiful song from Alicia Keys and Brandi Carlile to inspire, uplift, and encourage you onward! 

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Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

12/21/2021

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As I revisit and revise this post, originally written for MomPower last year, I am sitting with some fresh, raw, and very deep sadness.  I am grateful to re-read this message and take it into my own heart as I sit with myself with tears streaming down my face. 

​Today marks the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere.  On this darkest day of the year, the pivotal moment between dark and light, it is the perfect time to honor the darkness that has come into our lives.  It is a time to honor those who have been lost and to remember them with love.  It is a time to honor the struggle and the perseverance of those who are on a challenging journey and to honor ourselves and other loved ones who have also found a way through the darkness. 

In honoring the darkness and in grieving the losses we have endured, we bring those moments into the light.  When we bring them into the light, they are no longer hiding in the shadows, lurking in shame, or hidden in silence.  We claim and name our experience.  We see it for what it has been.  We presence it. 

When we do this, we are able to step forward into the light.  Just as the days begin to get longer with a bit more light from tomorrow on, we too can begin to bring more light into our homes and our beings. 

Addiction, cancer, mental illness (to name a few) are painful diseases, as you undoubtedly know.  They affect everyone in their wake and can take down entire families with the weight of suffering. 

However (and this is a big however), the journey from darkness to light does not have to take us out forever.  It is possible to find hope, joy, peace, love, and to create a brighter tomorrow, even when we have been impacted by a loved one's disease. 

If you are reading this, you are alive, and for that fact alone there is reason to celebrate.  You have been given the opportunity to live one more day.  What will you do with this one precious life you have been given?  How will you set your soul free to express itself?  What is uniquely yours to do?

Is there some way to honor your journey up to this very moment--the good, the bad, and the ugly, the full messiness of it all?  The painful, the joyous, the fearfulness, and the hope?  Whatever it’s looked like in the past, today marks a new day, albeit a short one.  Tomorrow offers the light of fresh possibility, as each day does.  How do you want to step into tomorrow? 

If we are able to find a way to turn our pain (or darkness) into possibility (or light), we can transform these heavy experiences into something that serve and support us and others.  We can show up for life more fully.  We can become who we were born to be. With each loss I experience I also experience a fresh resolve to live this life even more fully. 

Let’s face it, the past 2 years have carried a full load of darkness, collectively, along with anything that you might have experienced personally. 

For many the holidays are emotionally-charged times and may bring in a healthy mix of emotions… sadness, joy, celebration, loneliness. I know I will be feeling both sadness for those who are not with us during this holiday season as well as joy and gratitude for those who are. 

There is room for it all.  When we allow ourselves to feel it all, to allow our hearts to carry this messy mix of what makes us human, we are able to move through it. 

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brene Brown
 
So, let this pivotal day be a day that marks the honoring of both the dark and the light.  Let us take a step back and look at the big picture of our lives and recognize that our experiences have not been all good or all bad, but rather a mix of both. 

These diseases can entomb us with their heavy cloak of darkness if we let them, but we can choose to lift up the corner of that cloak and peek outside.  We can lay down the heaviness and step into the light.  We get to choose. 

We may well prefer the moments of lightness, light-heartedness, and light in general, but there is also a gift to receive during the dark and challenging times.  We must be willing to sit with this part of our reality if we are to truly enjoy the light. 

I have found that it is in the dark where I have grown the most.  I wonder if that might be true for you as well.  I offer you this poem for consideration.  

The Places We Grow
It’s in the dark,
in the shadows,
where we stretch and grow.
 
We face ourselves
and see a new or forgotten aspect,
a piece we’d rather ignore or deny.
 
But there it is…
staring us down,
daring us to change,
to find a new way,
or to simply come into acceptance.
 
Sometimes it’s about overcoming
or adjusting.
Finding a way to do this with
love, compassion,
and gentle communion.
 
Honoring the self…
who I am,
where I am,
what I need,
what my baggage is.
 
And stepping into a deeper layer,
excavating and shifting,
allowing new light in,
and new hope out.
 
These are the places we grow –
often watered
and nourished with tears.
 © Barb Klein, 2016, “The Places We Grow,” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life
 
Where and how can you nourish yourself today?  How might you allow some new light in--to your being, to your life?  How can you allow a little more hope to shine into the world? 
 
Begin by greeting yourself exactly where you are--gently, with tenderness, care, and compassion.  Offer yourself the space and grace to feel into what’s alive within your heart at this moment.  Ask your heart what it needs at this moment to be truly nurtured and nourished.  Then respond accordingly.  You deserve your own loving care.
 
We are on the cusp of a new year and we can only hope that 2022 is bringing with it new possibility, hope, and fresh beginnings.  Today let’s pause.  Let’s look at our lives and our loved ones with reverence. Let’s honor this journey where we have walked, crawled, and stumbled while we look ahead to the light of new creativity.  Let’s let this darkest day of the year—December 21-- be a personal pivotal moment for us to enter an illuminated future.  



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What Being in Recovery Means to Me

9/16/2021

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Young man (my son) dressed in Senior Ball suit kissing woman (me) in front of a treeMe and my son 10 years ago (still one of my favorite moments that captures our joy and love)
September is National Recovery Month!

Recovery is possible for people with substance use disorder and for their families! And those things are not dependent on one another.

I am a family member in long-term recovery from the effects of my son’s substance use disorder.

What that means to me is that I have found a way to recover, reclaim, and live my life, while also loving my son. It means that my happiness, peace of mind, and well-being do not depend on his. It means I have accepted that we are separate individuals each walking our own journey and I can honor our paths and our bond. I am grateful to walk alongside him and for the depth of love this journey has brought forward for us.

It means that I am committed to living life fully, to embracing my days and showing up for my life, even on days when my son has struggled...even on days when I am struggling.  It means taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time.  It means that I have practices that help me to practice self-care and to be mindfully present - which means that I meet myself where I am honestly - some days are better than others.  I am devoted to true self care as I define it: to be true to and gentle with myself one moment at a time.  

It means remembering who I am and who he is before and beyond this disease.  It means moving toward who we may become as we each heal and grow.  

It means I have met some of the most amazing, sensitive, creative, wise, impactful , intuitive, generous and loving people who are on their own journey of recovery. They show me what’s possible and have opened my eyes and heart to the people they are beyond substance use disorder.

It means that I am committed to using the pain, lessons, love, compassion, and growth I have experienced to support others in their recovery, both family members and individuals.

It also means that I will join with other recovery advocates to break the silence and shatter the stigma around substance use disorder and call for love and compassion toward those impacted.
#recoverymonth #recoveryispossible
#familiesrecover

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One Step at a Time!

9/15/2021

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12-step programs use “one day at a time” as a guiding principle.  I’ve adapted that to “one moment at a time” for years because there are simply too many moments in a day!  In meditation we are often brought back to “one breath at a time,” a reminder that this is all we have.  This breath.  This moment.    

Last week when I was in Colorado, I went on a couple of mountain hikes that were a little (or maybe a lot) out of my comfort zone. I was brought to the present moment with a snap of reality that I could only take it “one step at a time!”  This became my mantra for the trip.  I couldn’t miss that this is also a great metaphor for life. 

As I navigated cliffside boulder fields, gradual and steep inclines, and even endless stairs (everything is on a slope there!!), I had to remember to not look too far ahead, to not look down (or up), to not look behind me.  If I did, I might freak myself out! 

I got experience how my open-eyed meditation practice supports me in “real life!”  If I could keep my soft-eyed meditative gaze, 2-6’ ahead of me, taking in whatever was in my visual field, I could make it through bit by bit, one mindful step at a time. 

Did I have to stop and catch my breath?  Heck yeah!  Many, many times!  Did I need to allow my heartrate to come back down to normal?  Um, yes!  At 6400+ feet above sea level, my heart was pounding even without the added exertion and heat!  Did I worry about being a drag to my companions?  I did, but I talked myself through it. 

Did I feel really proud of myself for getting through stuff I wasn’t at all sure I could navigate (like those boulder fields or the drop-off steps down the side of a cliff)?  I did!  I don’t always give myself enough credit for how strong, able, persistent, or courageous I am.  Especially when it comes to physical acts.  I’m comfortable with emotional, mental, and spiritual strength and endurance.  But, physical…not so much. I have a ton of stories about who I am and what I can and cannot do.  Lots of the time they stop me from pushing myself to my limits. 

What helped was this reality guidepost – All you can do is One Step at A Time.  Isn’t that what life is, after all?  Just a series of single steps woven together?  When we face an obstacle we don’t think we can get through, often if we just take that first step, take our time, navigate carefully through, we find ourselves on the other side having surprised ourself at our own strength, flexibility, agility, persistence, courage. 

In a very real sense, I was physically exhausted, but in a way that I’m not usually. This was not the physical exhaustion that comes as a byproduct of emotional or mental over-working.  This was genuine in the body, tired to the bones, shaking in my core exhaustion – the kind that also says, “You are stronger than you imagined!”  The kind that invites a solid, hard night’s sleep! 

I return from this trip with a sense of exhilaration, a sense of aliveness, and an awareness that I want to push myself more often now that I know I am more able than I think!  I am acutely aware that this idea that “life is for living” resonates deep within me.  I need to do things that bring joy, peace, connection, and maybe a little bit of challenge! 

How often in life do we find ourselves thinking ahead, planning or worrying, anticipating what is coming, what might happen, or what might be needed?  Dwelling on something that’s already happened?  Finding ourselves out there with all the thoughts while also trying to be present…  How often do we hold those thoughts not only for ourselves, but for all the people in our world (family, friends, clients, employees, the community at large…)? I watched myself do this on the return trip home – at the airport, on the roads, looking for signs, making sure we had all the necessary documentation at the ready, planning, trying to be one step ahead.  It’s exhausting!  (Listen to We Can Do Hard Things podcast on Overwhelm to hear more about this “ticker tape” that often runs through a person’s head!)

It was so refreshing to spend a few days not doing all of that – just allowing the days to unfold, to see where the spirit moved us to go, to be exquisitely present on a mountaintop, taking it one step at a time.  Thankfully this energy still reverberates throughout my whole being – these lessons and insights will carry me back into day-to-day life.  My heart is so happy and my soul is ecstatic! 

How might this experience guide you?  Where can you slow it down to literally one step at a time? Stop jumping too far ahead and simply allow yourself to truly be right here, right now.  This moment, this next step – that’s it!  Where can you let go of over-thinking, over-planning, over-worrying (especially about things that are beyond your control)? 

Can you lean into the truth that often we don’t know what lies around the next corner?  Can you lean into the challenge that is before you now the way I leaned into the mountainside to avoid a potentially disastrous slip?  And, where and how can you give yourself a chance for a little refresh?  Is there a part of you wanting to come back to life? 

Life truly is for living, my friend!  And, if we take it one wise step at a time, we can carry ourselves forward into places that just might surprise us!  We might discover we are stronger, braver, wiser, and more skillful than we ever dreamt. 

I invite you to join me and Sandra Sabene for this year’s incredible 5-day Let Your Light Shine! Retreat that begins on September 24th! This is a great chance for you to live into this idea of one step at a time!  It’s an opportunity to slow down, to see what calls you, moment by moment.  It’s a chance to connect with your heart and inner guidance. It’s a chance to be nourished in so many ways – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually!  It’s a chance to take yourself out into nature – to hike the woods, walk the labyrinth, sit by the fire… a chance to dance, sing, play, create, as well as a chance to deeply connect within. 

What are you taking away? Please share!!  

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Making Tough Choices

8/10/2021

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Last week I wrote about disappointing people and how sometimes we make choices that do disappoint others.  We make those choices to be honest and true to ourselves.  If you missed that and want to check it out, you can find that here. 

It’s also worth pointing out that the reality of life is sometimes we just will disappoint others, even when we don’t know we are.  Not by choice.  Not intentionally. But just by the things we do or the way we show up (or how we don’t).  There’s no getting around it and you can make yourself crazy trying to make all the people happy all the time.  It can’t be done… so, let go of that.  And this is why we come back to the notion of being true to ourselves as a guiding light. 

I have a strong hunch when we are true to the best version of ourselves (which is really what I’m talking about), you are not going to go out and ruthlessly hurt other people.  If you have any concern that this will lead to reckless narcissism or deep selfishness, you can probably let that go! 

And, when you are not living true to your best self, when you are being what you think other people want or need you to be, the best version of yourself cannot show up to the world.  It has been relegated to the basement or some back dark room… its hunkered down longing to come alive. 

Often, we stay stuck and don’t follow our hearts or our dreams because we are so afraid we’re going to let someone else down.  Sometimes we don’t follow a dream because it’s scary to see it come to life (this is a weird one but I have experienced it a couple of times when life-long dreams were about to come true… glad I persisted through the discomfort and allowed them to unfold anyway). 

Sooooo… let’s look at when it might be risky to make a decision because you’re not clear on whether this decision will honor you or is simply an attempt to try to please someone else. 

When NOT to make a decision:
- When you’re feeling exhausted, depleted, drained, or overwhelmed.  It’s highly unlikely that you’re able to access your true guidance in these states and you’re much more likely to default to what feels easiest, least controversial or bothersome.  It will be easy to collapse and defer to what others are telling you or to just do what you’ve always done. 
- When you’re doing it solely for someone else (with a boatload of resentment or ickiness brewing beneath the surface, even if you have the best intentions).  Unless you can get to a place where you know that you are consciously choosing, it’s better to hold off if you can.   

I’ve had very dear friends almost spend a lot of money and time to take a retreat or program I’m offering “to support me.”  No!  Please don’t do that!  I appreciate the thought, but quite honestly, I don’t want you there unless you’re there for yourself!  Leave the spot open for someone who truly feels called to be there. 

- When your choice is based on what others will think of you.  You’re not in their heads – you have no idea what they will think! And, more often than not, the people you are giving a vote to aren’t even people you care that much about!  So, let that shit go!  Who cares what someone else thinks about whether you add one more pet to your family, where you go on vacation, how you spend your days, that you don’t want to have a child or get married, or that you want to date after all these years? 

- When you can’t think clearly. When you’re in the thick of something, especially something upsetting, you might feel constricted, forced, or limited.  You may see no option or way out. This is a time to step back and find some breathing room before moving forward.  Sometimes there is a true urgency that requires action anyway – I still recommend at least a few minutes of deep breathing just to slow down, pause, and interrupt that spinning cycle that could lead to impulsive reactive choices. 
Sometimes the “urgency” is not real or something that someone else is trying to impose upon you (pushy sales people and disreputable businesses trying to make you “buy now! Time is running out!” BS).  For me, that’s a red flag.  If someone can’t give me time to think something through, then my answer will be “No!”  I used to tell my kids, “If you make me answer you now, the answer is no.  If you give me some time to think about it, it might be yes.  I don’t know yet…”  Amazing how patient they became when I didn’t cave in to fabricated pressure. 

Good news! There are things that can help take you from a place of confusion into making a solid decision that you can stand behind and feel good about!

Some things that help to make a hard choice that feels good (in alignment with your heart and soul):
  1. Time and space to breathe!  BREATHE.  PAUSE.  If you know me at all, you’ve likely heard this a thousand times… because it bears repeating.  Because it’s something I need to continue to remember.  The less time you feel you have, the more important it is to take time.               
  2. Get quiet. Get grounded.  See #1… and also maybe put your bare feet on the grass, take a breath of fresh outdoor air, gaze at the clouds, into a pond, or the flame of a fire.   Find something that works for you to bring you back to you.  Listen within.  Step away from outside voices and opinions. 
  3. Move from your head into your heart.  It helps to place your hands on your heart, close your eyes, and imagine breathing into this space.  Ask for guidance from this heart space.  You’ll know if the response you get is from your mind or your heart – the mind will try to convince, justify, rationalize, or defend a position.  The heart knows.  You will sense your answer rather than think it.  It may not make sense to the mind, even if you get the heart buzz that says, “this is the choice to make.” 
  4. Feel into each possibility you’re considering.  From a quiet, heart-centered place, where you’ve given yourself space to listen within, play out the scenario of “yes” or “no” or option A or option B, C, D…in your imagination and notice how your body feels, how your breathing responds.  Is there a sense of openness, expansion, softening?  Or do you feel tight, constricted, restricted?  What do you make of that?  Your body is a great GPS or North Star when you learn to tune into it in this way.  I’ve recorded this guided meditation to support you with this exploration.
  5. Free write about each possibility – allow your hand to move across the page as you handwrite, “If I do/choose ____...” for each one – write for a few minutes without stopping to think.  When you think you’ve written all there is to say, ask yourself, “And what else?” and see what comes through.  The key is to keep the pen moving so that you can tap in beneath the surface – allow yourself to be surprised. You may or may not get the answer you expected. 
  6. MAYBE talk it through with someone you trust who can help you to reflect – someone who can listen not only to what you’re saying, but for what’s not being said, for changes in your energy, changes in your voice.  A good sounding board is someone who helps you arrive at your own answers.  The people closest to you are not always good sounding boards, particularly if your decision might upset their life in some way.  A counselor, coach, or trusted friend might be. 
  7. Listen for and notice any deeply ingrained conditioning, patterns or vows that may be coming into play and influencing you one way or the other.  Things like, “I’m not someone who…” or “I swore I could never…” “things aren’t supposed to come easily – this must be too good to be true” are signs that an unconscious program is running the show.  This is a great time to get curious – ask yourself, “Is that still true?  Does this serve me now? What if…?” 
  8. Notice if you’re holding onto one thing while reaching for the next.  Sometimes we have to let go of one bank of the river to reach the other side but we hold on, straddling both shores, being stretched thin, for fear of what we might lose if we let go. Fear of stepping into the unknown can keep us stuck even if staying with what’s known is no longer healthy, fun, or beneficial.  Knowing what you’re moving toward can help make it easier to release the past.  Sometimes the energy that comes from releasing and letting go can open the doors to what’s next.  Sometimes we have to be willing to move forward and step into uncertainty because we don’t know how it’s going to turn out (truth bomb, you will never know how it’s going to turn out until it does… and it will never turn out at all if you don’t take a chance). 
As you find yourself facing these tough decisions, know that the dream may not take the form you had imagined (I went through this when we bought our current home – we had to let go of several along the way to land in one that wasn’t at all what I imagined it would be, and yet it’s perfect for what we wanted.  You can read a bit about this idea in Softening Your Gaze on a Dream.)

Invitations come that seem like they are leading us down a particular path, when in reality they may only be there to open us up to something within us or to help us clarify a definite “no.”  Just because you get invited to something does not mean it’s a sign from the Universe.  The Universe will put many things in your path – you still get to choose whether to pick them up, move around them, or avoid them completely. 

Also, please remember, very few decisions are forever.  We can keep ourselves stuck thinking “this is the only shot I’ll get at this” or “I have to get this right because this is the last job, relationship, pet, car…” I will ever have.  Relax... 

Allow yourself permission to play with the next move that feels right in this moment.  Might you lose some money or time on a decision if you change your mind later?  Sure… but is that the end of the world?  I have walked away from years of education and training, thousands of dollars invested in a path that isn’t right for me anymore. I have walked away from jobs I have put years of dedication into.  I have left friendships that are no longer supportive. I have supported many others to do the same – to set themselves free in service of their soul.  We grow.  We evolve. We become the next iteration of ourselves.  Every experience, every bit of life along the way has served in some way. Nothing is a waste.  It’s all led to this moment in time which is leading to the next. 

What choices are you facing that you’re having a hard time making?  What opportunities are waiting?

Give yourself permission to play.  To try, experiment, give it a chance if it’s calling you now.  Give yourself permission to change your mind down the road if that’s what’s right then.  None of us can see into the future.  We can only do the best we can with what we have right here and now. 

The “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast (with Glennon Doyle who got me started on this whole exploration of disappointing ourselves or others) just had a great episode on Quitting!  Check it out.  Fascinating the narratives we run about this word that can be used positively (as in quit smoking) or negatively (as in “You’re a quitter!”)! What stories do you tell yourself about quitting?  Who would you be if you did?  

Get curious about how gentle or harsh you are being with yourself as you consider these choices that keep you up at night and choose the gentler path.  You deserve your own compassion as you navigate these uncharted waters.  

What helps you to make a tough decision?  

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Disappointing People

8/4/2021

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One thing I love about Glennon Doyle is that she is NOT afraid to address hard things or put radical ideas out there that take our breath away!  One that has stayed with me since reading Untamed is this: In a conversation with her middle-school aged daughter, Tish, when Tish was worrying about not choosing to join a club that her brother wanted her to, Glennon sagely advised, “Then don’t.”  “But I don’t want to disappoint him.”  What followed brings me to tears every time I really take it in. Here’s Glennon to Tish:
“Listen.  Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else.  Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself…Especially me.” 

Whew!  Woah!  Let me catch my breath and let’s look at that.  I certainly didn’t have a mother who encouraged me to disappoint anyone, especially her (not that she was openly disappointed with me often, but this was not the rule of the game of life). 

I do not read this as a directive to set out to hurt others or to intentionally see how many people you can disappoint.  But I do see it as an opportunity to not abandon, sacrifice, or disappoint yourself, which I think we do way too frequently without giving it a second thought.  This is an invitation to possibly get really uncomfortable as you find a new way to be in the world. 

How often do you set your needs or desires aside because of what someone else needs or wants?  How often do you think nothing of disappointing yourself?  Honestly...
  

Last week I wrote about being true to yourself as part of my definition for self-care in A Fresh Take on Self-Care.  Being true to ourselves, honoring ourselves, is at the heart of true and deep self-care.  It is also key to being in integrity. 

And, listen, sometimes when we are true to ourselves, when we make a decision that honors our sweet heart, body, or soul, someone we care about very much might be disappointed.  When we say “no” to an invitation or opportunity.  When we refuse a request because we just don’t have it in us or it doesn’t feel right at this moment.  When we say “yes” to something that conflicts with another’s desire, we will disappoint someone else. 

Life is full of choices.  Every “yes” is a “no” to something else, and so there are lots of opportunities for disappointing someone! 

When you make a choice to leave a job, end a relationship, sell the family home, move far away from all your people, say “no” to helping, etc… someone will likely be sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed. 

What happens inside you when you consider disappointing someone you really care about?  How does that feel in your body? 
What is the story you tell yourself about who you would be if you disappointed another person? 


I don’t know about you, but I get a little queasy.  I may have a story that this isn’t what a “nice person” or a “good mother/daughter/sister/friend” does.  I might try to dance around making that decision.  I will surely delay as long as possible.  I will consider heavily just giving in or settling for what they want, because it feels easier.  It feels familiar.  It’s what I’ve done for decades.  Far easier to disappoint me – then I only have to deal with myself! 

I wish I had had a parent who gave me permission or even implored me to disappoint others in order to avoid hurting my own heart or spirit.  I wish I had been that mother for my kids… I wasn’t, but I’m getting there.  I feel the strength and freedom in the incredible gift Glennon gave her daughter in this moment.  One small conversation with a middle school girl gave her permission to follow her own path, to trust her heart, to honor her joy.  Whewie!  Let’s have more of that please! 

I haven’t yet explicitly shared it with my young adult kids, but I hope to.  I want to set them free of needing to be or do anything for me (or anyone) that goes against their spirit. 

Your turn to reflect…

~ What is the cost of disappointing yourself to avoid disappointing others? 
~ How do you get clear about making a decision that is FOR you even if it seems to be against someone else?  What if there’s more to it (because there always is)?
~ How can you take a stand for yourself, have your own back and communicate your message in a way that is clean, clear, and straightforward? 
~ What helps you to make these choices, even when they are painfully hard? 
~ When have you had to do this and how has it worked out for you?  What are the upsides of disappointing others to avoid disappointing yourself? 
~ How might you play with this idea?  Who might you share it with?  Who might you free? 

Please share.  Please share your reflections and thoughts about this whole idea…  it’s a dicey one!  And one that feels like a really important game-changer in this thing called life. 
​

Stay tuned for next week’s post with more thoughts about making these tough decisions!  


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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

    What's real for you? What would you like me to write about?  Feel free to share with me topics you would like to see discussed and please join in the dialogue through the comment section. Your engagement makes the blog a much richer place to hang out!

    Thank you for joining me on this journey!!    

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
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