Inspired Possibility Blog

M is for More

4/15/2022

We seem to live in a world where “more is better” drives a lot of people. And, so we accumulate more material things, we strive to be more productive, to achieve more, to learn more, do more, and be more. We buy more clothes, go for the bigger house which we quickly fill with more stuff. All you can eat buffets lead people to stuff themselves in an effort to get their money’s worth!

In today’s #AtoZChallenge, let’s stop for a minute to reflect on this. Is this more mentality alive within you? How does it drive you and what’s the impact?

So many people I work with struggle to know that they are enough, exactly as they are. And, I wonder if this idea of “more” plays into that somehow. There can be a belief that they need to know more, have more training or degrees or certificates in order to show up to things that they really want to do (and in most cases are already more than qualified for).

There can be a tendency to think we need more money, and so we keep working and working, without ever stopping to identify how much is enough. In this drive to accumulate, you may push yourself beyond what’s reasonable, for fear of not having enough.

There seems to be a belief that bigger is better, so businesses push to grow, to have more clients, more projects, and more income. Growth may exceed the actual capacity to keep up and at some point, may tip into being too much. What’s the ideal size of a business? Where’s the sweet spot where no more is needed? The perfect place that allows you the quality of life you desire and doesn’t burn you out along the way? How many clients do you actually want to work with? What will be enough to satisfy and sustain you?

More and enough seem to go together, don’t they? What might change if we stopped to check in with ourselves and asked, “What will be enough? Why do I need more? What will more do for me? What will more do to me? Is it true that I need more, or am I ok just where I am?”

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my father always pushed us to do more, to be more, to achieve and accomplish more. To not settle. But, what if it’s healthy to settle for enough? And what if it’s not even settling?

For me when I thought I had to keep reaching for something more, to keep raising the bar, I never felt satisfied. I almost feel like I can hear my father’s voice saying “don’t be satisfied.” I wonder what he was afraid of.

When the bar must be continually and repeatedly raised, we don’t stop to notice or appreciate what we have or what we have done because we’re just on that hamster wheel spinning to churn out more, to keep up with some unidentified and unachievable goal.

The Rat Race
- Barb Klein from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

Burning the candle at both ends
only fries us in the end.
Life’s obligations
pull at us,
stretching us too thin.

Work, commitments, financial concerns
push us, drive us,
command us
to go and do at all hours,
always connected,
always available,
no request too big.
Sure, we can do more.

It is there
we lose ourselves.
We lose our ground.
We give more
than we possibly can.
We do more
than is reasonable.

Pushed by expectations
that are irrational.
Compelled by fear.
If we don’t, we’ll be dismissed.

Life’s busy-ness consumes us,
and beats us
until we are weary
and our soul
saves us the only way it knows –
through sickness, injury, or layoff.

Anything to stop the madness
and bring some rest
unless we can find the balance,
find a way to honor the self.

There is no glory in burning out,
one more lost soul
in a wasteland of beings
striving, always striving,
to outdo one another,
to get ahead and stay ahead.

Of what?
I wonder.

I’m so grateful that this is (mostly) no longer how I live. And, yet, that programming still runs in the background of my consciousness, and I think it plays out in ways I’m not even aware of. There are areas in my life where I still tend to accumulate or over-commit. Things I love (like books) I can (and have) easily collect more than I will ever be able to read in a lifetime. I love to learn and seek to continue to grow, so I can take on more programs than I really have time for. I can over-give of myself and my time.

More ideas. More possibilities. This is another danger zone for me! I no longer have the sweet work colleague to rein me in and force me to choose one thing so that we could proceed. And, so, at times, I can get overwhelmed with more and more things I want to write about, create, or bring out to the world.

It takes intentional effort to step back, pause, breathe, and check in with myself before giving into the seduction doing or having more in these areas. I have to find ways to help me focus in on one thing at a time. It takes mindful thought to know what’s reasonable and realistic.

Not too long ago, I played with more in a couple of other posts – Less is More (we hear that all the time, and it’s something that holds a strong appeal to me). And, because nothing is all or nothing, I also wrote Sometimes More is More.

How about you? Where do you find yourself wanting or seeking more? Tell us the impact of more in your world? Or, is this not an issue for you?

Thanks for coming along with me while I play around with more and more questions! I’m having fun and I hope you are too!

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Just Do It!

4/12/2022

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Today’s #AtoZChallenge exploration looks at “Just do it!” Good advice, bad advice or simply the Nike slogan? Or… does it depend?

Like most things in life, I believe it depends! Sometimes it’s exactly what I need to say to myself to get going… like this morning when I was lying in bed not sleeping, thinking about how busy the day was and hoping I had time to get it all done. Just get up! It got me out of bed at 6:30 (when I would much prefer 8) so that I could do some planning, catch some ideas, and get some clarity so that when it’s time to sit down to write, I am ready! Much better than lying there with a mild headache, not sleeping anyway, thanks to all the thoughts swimming in my head. Getting up also gifted me the stillness of the lake, the quiet of this time of day, and some extra space in an otherwise overwhelming day.

That was a pretty easy “just do it” moment. Let’s think about where else it might make sense.

Are there things you’re on the fence about, but you know with all your being what your heart wants you to do? That retreat or workshop you really want to go to, that you have the money and time for, that fits in your schedule, but you keep hemming and hawing about it… How would it be to just make a decision? Sometimes the “do it” is to get clear and make a choice. Get off the fence! Yes or no – it’s up to you, but know that it takes energy to stay in limbo!

Are there things you’re putting off until retirement? Till your kid is doing ok? Till the stars align, the laundry is done, and all the lights are green? Here’s where it’s worth taking a good look at your life, at your priorities and make a decision that feels right. More often than not, I’ve found that waiting for some future mystical magical moment is not the way to go. If you can do the thing now, and you really want to, and you’re not going to hurt yourself physically or financially, then why not? If you want to prioritize your own joy or health, even if someone you love is struggling, then why wait? Why not make the choice to begin living your life?

“The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.”
- Barack Obama

The things that just need to be done… getting your teeth cleaned, oil change, taking the trash out – yeah, just do it! Unless, of course, there’s a good reason not to. Which there could be…

My mantra for many years has been, “Why not? Why wait?” One coach did point out to me that there might be very good reasons for not or not now. She helped me to see that it’s worth pausing to genuinely ask myself, “Why not? Is there a good reason for me to not do this thing?” “Why wait? Is this a good time or would I be better off waiting until I didn’t have so much on my plate already, or until I had the money to pay for it without going into debt or until I have the energy and bandwidth to really dedicate to this thing I’m considering?”

It is entirely possible that now is not the time to take that training, marry that guy, get a bird, move to a new town, or make a drastic change in lifestyle. Ok, let’s be clear we had birds once – it will never be the right time to do that again!

And, seriously, there might be things to get in order first. It might be wise to take a little more time checking things out, exploring options. It might be an actual no or a “not now” no.

How do you know? I find the sweet zone is often where you feel a little nervous but also excited (or “nerv-cited” as Glennon Doyle says!). This tells me that I really want to go for it, but I’m a little unsure. That’s ok. I’ll take the leap and give it a go.

I like to make a decision before a decision is made for me. I’m sure we’ve all had moments where we waited too long and the opportunity was no longer available. Or we’ve delayed making a decision that we know we need to make for our own health, and eventually our health steps in and makes it impossible to ignore any longer (leaving that toxic job or relationship, changing the way we nourish our body or not).

Tone matters too… do you say with frustration, “Just do it! For God’s sake, what’s wrong with you??” adding in judgment and shame? Not particularly helpful. Or can you say gently, “Just do it” with a whisper of sweetness that implies I support you, I believe in you, you got this… it’s time. Go for it!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one. How does it land with you?

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It Is What It Is... (or Is It?)

4/11/2022

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It is what it is. Or, is it?? This is today’s #AtoZChallenge question that’s on my mind. Not necessarily the premise of it (although maybe that too), but what does it actually mean and when and why do we say it?

More often than not I hear this uttered with a bit of resignation or powerlessness… coming through when people feel there’s nothing they can do about whatever “it” is. Or people use it to dismiss something that they don’t really want to talk about or look at deeply.

And for that reason, I’m not a huge fan. I am a big believer in acceptance of what is, of not being at war with reality, but not staying stuck in the muck or avoiding uncomfortable topics.

As a Possibilitator and coach, I’m always looking for opportunities and possibilities. OK, this is what’s here… now what!? As a meditation practitioner, can I sit with what’s here, even if it’s uncomfortable? As a student of life can I be curious about what I might learn? As someone who does not want to live as a victim, let me think about what influence I can have. As someone who knows I am always evolving, I wonder what might emerge from this current state.

I have a t-shirt that says “It is what it is. It will become what you make it.” This I like. This empowers us to remember that we do have a choice in how we respond to what life presents. We don’t just have to accept bad circumstances as eternal. Things are forever changing, as we talked about in our C post on Change, and we have the ability to impact our experience in life. You are not powerless. You have impact. How you show up and what energy you bring matters.

The other issue I have with this phrase is that it’s dependent on our lens – how we see the world. Each of us could look at exactly the same situation and have completely different interpretations and feelings about it. A big snowfall – one person looks out with awe and wonder, taking in the beauty, can’t wait to go snow shoeing. Another sees nothing but cold, bleak weather that is going to force them to stay inside or break their back shoveling this sh#@!

Remember, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
– Wayne Dyer

So, the truth of what it is is subjective. Do we see something as a problem or an opportunity, an ending or a beginning, tragic or hopeful, unfair or simply a natural consequence? Did the thing that person said or did really mean what you thought it did? So much room for interpretation once we start talking about other living beings! So much depends on our attitude, viewpoint, perception, and beliefs.

So, yes, it is what it is. What do you make of that? What does it mean to you? What do you want to do about it? Is there an “it” that you’re currently feeling this way about? Can you broaden your view? Consider a different angle? Sometimes even things we feel certain about look different when we look at them differently (think of optical illusions or mirages). Things may look different after we’ve had some rest or distance. And sometimes things simply aren’t what we thought they were. Remember when you jumped at that stick on the path because you thought it was a snake!? Oh, maybe that was just me… 🤣🤣

Can you really be sure that it is what it is?
Today's musical support: Life's What You Make It!

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G is for Good Enough

4/8/2022

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So, let me preface this post by telling you I was raised by a man who taught me never to settle. If I got an A, it was “Why wasn’t it an A+?” I truly think he believed something horrible would happen if we let down, relaxed, or didn’t push ourselves as hard as we could. The conditioning runs deep. It felt like nothing would ever be good enough.

Operating from this viewpoint can lead us to live in a way that isn’t sustainable and is very rarely satisfying. You always feel like there’s something more to achieve or prove. You keep raising the bar on yourself, not even pausing long enough to notice what you have accomplished. Always striving, driving, and pushing…

To get to a point of adulthood and realizing that I get to decide what’s good enough has taken some work!

I remember hearing “Good is good enough” in 2014 at my first women’s retreat with Renee Trudeau. It caused me to pause. What does that even mean? I see the freedom from perfectionism it offers, but how do you get to a place of peace within yourself? How do you define for yourself what IS good? And, how do you really know if it is enough?

As a young married woman and mom, I was often embarrassed to have people come into the house because it wasn’t clean enough or decorated well enough or picked up enough, and so I didn’t invite people over unless they were already good friends. I couldn’t meet the idealized standard that I had set for myself and so I just denied myself company, fearing judgment that would likely not have been as harsh as my own.

I judged myself critically in parenting and work – always looking toward some invisible, undefinable, and probably unachievable objective. Until at some point in the past few years I stopped doing that (as much). I'm a work in progress and often need other people to help me see how hard I am on myself.

In her book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate, and Re-Balance Your Life, Renee Trudeau has an entire chapter devoted to this idea that “Good is Good Enough!” (By the way, where was this book when I was a young mother?? I didn’t find it or her until I was almost 50! Could have used a healthy dose of that much earlier in my parenting!). In this section, Renee says, “Part of being able to relax into a mentality of ‘good is good enough’ is understanding where your priorities lie. We have a finite amount of energy to devote to what’s really important to us.” So true!

As you look at your own life, are you allocating your energy according to what’s most important to you or are there things that are taking your time, resources, and energy that really don’t deserve it? It’s worth a moment to take an honest assessment and see what you notice. Then adjust as necessary. If relationships are a top value but most of your time is spent on cleaning or work, where might you change things up?

Where in your life would you like to play with the idea that “good is good enough” and allow yourself a little more grace? Can you lower the bar for yourself instead of continually raising it? I've also learned that "done is better than perfect," which helps me to keep going with things like this challenge!

We are often our own harshest critics, demanding more than is reasonable from our human selves. When you notice yourself treating yourself this way, can you bring in some self-compassion, gentleness, and kindness? Permission to let go of striving for unattainable perfection! Permission to stop pushing so hard and to relax and enjoy this one precious life (not that you need my permission!).

Side note... I find it fascinating that when I first tried, this post wouldn't let me schedule it, but posted immediately. Then I realized I had entered the date wrong! Hmmm... good is good enough, I guess. 😂

What do you think? #AtoZChallenge – Question (Almost) Everything

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Follow Your Heart

4/7/2022

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"Follow your heart" I've always thought this was pretty good advice. Curious what you think. One time I got into a discussion with a coaching colleague who very adamantly told me, "If you follow your heart, you'll get bit in the butt!" What!? We had to agree to disagree.

I don't think that following your heart necessarily means you have to run around willy-nilly, driven by your emotions. To me it means to listen to the deeper wisdom and callings that come from the soul. What does it mean to you?

My life path has been twisty turvy because I've followed my heart, listening to the nudges and calls along the way. It's not a straight line that might "make sense" on the surface, but it makes sense to me! When my last boss interviewed me, he asked, "How did you go from teaching elementary school to working in a barn?" Great question! My answer, "I've always followed my heart and it's led me to the right places." It was true and I figured they'd either love or hate that answer (and if they hated it, this wasn't the place for me!). They hired me and I stayed there until my heart called me to my next venture, which has evolved into the work I do today.

From one guy who seemed to do all right... "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." - Steve Jobs

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." Boy, does that speak to me! And, these past few years seem to have driven this point home even more clearly. Life is precious. Don't waste it. When could there be a better time to listen to the calls of the heart?

I'd love to hear what you think. Is it wise or silly to follow your heart? How do you know if you're following it or something else? What signs and signals do you get? Thanks for playing along!

#AtoZChallenge - Question (Almost) Everything

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What Defines You?

4/5/2022

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From the moment we are born as perfect beings, we begin trying to make sense of our world. We figure out where we belong and what behaviors work in our favor and which ones maybe not so much…

We begin to identify ourselves based on our experiences in life and who others tell us we are. As we do this, we begin to lose touch with our innate sense of self. Labels are assigned to us – “sweet, silly, bad, smart, pretty, bossy, spoiled, creative, independent…” and we accept them, integrating them into our ideas about who we are. There are values we live by, and we become known to be trustworthy, kind, loving, or honest.

We accumulate life experiences that add to our self-perception – athletic, a champion, a child of divorce, a victim of abuse. We identify with certain groups. We’re empty nesters, snow birds, people in long-term recovery, retirees, widows and widowers. We’re yogis and meditators, Christians, Buddhists, Liberals or Conservatives. We may feel respected or dismissed based on our productivity, successes, failures, or for our wealth and material possessions (or lack thereof).

Over and over again people in our world are informing how we see ourselves. As you read some of the words I’ve offered, did you have a reaction? Do they conjure an image or an opinion almost automatically?

We take on roles – friend, sister, mother, attorney, teacher, therapist, nurse. These identities carry with them pictures and expectations. We build stories about what they say about who we are as a human being. What our tendencies and characteristics are. We begin to see ourselves through these lenses. We behave as if this is who we really are.

When something pervasive enters our lives, like having a child with disabilities or a teen who struggles with addiction, it can become all-consuming and feel like the entirety of our world. At times it requires all of our time, energy, and resources. And so, we lose bits of ourselves – the carefree, playful, easy-going, spontaneous parts. The creative artist or actor may need to take a back seat. Life is serious business, and so we show up in the way that is required.

Sometimes we receive physical and mental health diagnoses, and we become someone who struggles with depression, fibromyalgia, or someone living with diabetes or a cancer survivor.

There are many ideas we take on about ourselves over the years that become woven into our unconscious identity. When we take the time to reflect and get in touch with ourselves at a deeper level… when we begin to question some of the assumptions about who we are and what our life is all about, we may see a broader picture. We may have lost sight of the reality that our life is a rich tapestry of many, many parts and experiences. We may begin to see that we are continually growing, learning, evolving, and becoming. Stepping into the next version of ourselves.

Take a pause now and think about the identities that make up who you are in this moment. What defines you and your reality? How do you feel about that? Anything you’d like to consider from a different perspective? Where might you be holding yourself back with a limiting view of who you are? What pieces of you have been forgotten or hidden away over the years? Are any of them longing to come out and express? Who are you becoming? As you look at yourself and your life right now, what’s defining you?

“Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.”
― Harvey Fierstein

What do you want to claim as who you are? What old stories do you want to let go of? How might your life change when you do?

We do not have to be defined by our best or worst moments. Going back to yesterday’s post about Change, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer

I wonder what is possible when we begin to look at ourselves with fresh eyes.

What other thoughts do you have about how we define ourselves? What did I forget? #AtoZChallenge

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Bodies, Bumps, and Bulges (Oh My!)

4/2/2022

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The questions that come up for me as I think about bodies and how we relate to our own and others are numerous… Why are some bumps and bulges good (and to be highlighted, enhanced, pumped up, and shown off) and some bad (to be squeezed to death, hidden away in shame, or to feel embarrassed about or apologize for).

As I walked along the beach in Hilton Head, I took a scientific stance… observing and taking mental notes about this topic. Please know these are not my own ideas or judgments, though I surely have been conditioned to believe some of them.

As I share them, I invite, beg, plead with you to question each and every one of them… let’s break these ideas and find a kinder, gentler way of compassion, acceptance, and appreciation!

But, from a simplistic observation, here’s what the common understandings and agreements seem to be:

boob bulges are good, show them off…
belly bulges (at least on women) bad,
butt bulges good – bring on the thongs and let those cheeks out! (unless you’re old, and then, please get the skirt suit!)
thigh bulges gross, especially if they also happen to be dimply and then they should be suctioned
lip bulges good and maybe they should even be injected

And, so I’m confused. So much of this depends on age and gender identity. Kid bellies are adorable! Pregnant bellies are adorned and adored. Guys can pat their beer bellies and chuckle…

Yet, most of the time, women better cover up any extra lumps or bulges. Or squeeze the life out of them – have you ever tried these torture devices meant to contain a body that wants to flop around? No thank you!

There are also cultural preferences. If I had been born in a different place and time, there are certainly other characteristics I’d be judged for and longing for. Which would suggest there is no right or wrong body, wouldn’t it? That maybe we could let go of these ideas of too big, too small, too grey, too wrinkly, saggy, or bulgy… Wouldn’t that be amazing!?

And so, I find myself wondering… when did I learn to judge every bit of this body of mine and who taught me to hate the belly I now have and wish for the flat one that was here when I was 20. Why do I think it’s reasonable to expect this body that has carried me for almost 6 decades, birthed and fed two babies and then cared for them as they grew, held the stress of the terrifying and uncertain times… to look like it did in the days of my youth?

Who taught me the numbers on the scale would lead to a good or bad day? That buying a pair of pants with a certain number on the tag was to be dreaded and avoided? That I should count calories or points? Deprive myself or push myself to try to sculpt a certain desired (and possibly unattainable) shape? Think that I should look like the woman over there who’s built entirely different from me? Believe that she’s more desirable because she fits some preconceived norm?

What would it be like to truly act in a loving and kind way toward this body that is the only one I have in its current iteration? What would it be like to not look at myself in the mirror or in a photo and name something that I hate about so many bits of me? What would it be like to move through a day without excessive thoughts about how I look or how others see me, about what or how much I should or shouldn’t eat?

What if, instead, we could honor the body that we have. The one that’s lived through whatever it’s lived through in this life? What if, we could accept that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and appreciate this diversity among us?

I recently joined an Intuitive Eating program and was horrified to see how often my thoughts go to food, body, or weight, more often than not in an unkind and judgmental way. I am not a person who has gone from diet to diet throughout my life or who deprives myself of the pleasure of the food I enjoy. BUT, what I have noticed is the pervasive thoughts that I should be doing it differently. Even as I’m eating something delicious, the narrative, “Oh, you’re being BAD” is running…

In this moment, I’m really not liking what I see when I look in the mirror or what I feel when I put on my clothes. Not usually a fan of “fake it til you make it,” I’m trying to do that with this idea of meeting myself where I am. I’m even wearing a shirt that says “Be Kind” while the thoughts running through my mind are anything but. And, I want to make some changes (but clearly not badly enough). I want to do that from a kind place, with gentleness and compassion. Harsh and cruel aren’t the way.

I find myself now in a place of simply trying to be ok with the body I have so that I can work with it. Trying to establish a genuinely trusting and loving relationship with this vessel that houses me so that I can know when it’s hungry or full, what will truly be nourishing in this moment. When it needs rest and when it needs to move. What works for it, today, in this reality of who I am?

It’s not easy in a world where the cultural messaging is strong and omnipresent… and damaging. Ideas about body image are intense, and they keep us from liking or loving ourselves. They lead us to do things to our bodies that are harmful.

Going back to my A post about Answers – I wish someone had taught each of us to find our own way, to be ok with who we are, and to respect the differences among us.

Are you at peace with your body?

If so, I’m really happy for you! Please let us know how you’ve gotten to this point. How have you worked with your mind and heart along the way to feel ok, good, or great about how you look and feel? I’m very much a novice and work in progress in this area.

I’m going to begin with sending loving kindness to each part of my body, intentionally appreciating them for what they do for me… these (big) feet and legs for carrying me through my days, this (big) belly for housing all the digestive organs that nourish and fuel me, that brought two babies into this world, …

OK, OK, that was a rough start… I’ll go back and take out the judgment and begin again with a genuine loving offering to my feet, my legs, my heart, my internal organs, my brain, arms, and hands, my eyes and ears… there are so many miracles here. Let me pause to appreciate that just for a minute. Seriously…
Here's a recording to Loving Kindness for the Body meditation if you'd like to join me.

This post sent me into quite a spiral after writing it. How about you? What does it bring up? Share in the comments below and let's learn and grow together! #AtoZchallenge

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A... Answers

4/1/2022

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Wait! What? I thought this was about questions! Well, it is... but asking questions implies that there will be answers, doesn't it!? We ask questions because we want answers… and, if we’re honest, we crave answers!

So, let's begin here. It's important to set the stage and your expectations for what this journey will involve. Spoiler alert... no answers (at least not from me)! Why not? Because my hope here is to get you wondering, thinking, contemplating. Getting clear on what resonates for you and feels true to you. I want to invite you to a place of sitting with your own questions as you read (and journal along with me if you feel so inclined!).

I love and appreciate any teachings that ask us to discern for ourselves what is true – not to take anyone’s word for it or to buy into something until we have tested it out for ourselves. I highly encourage that! So, please, as I offer out ideas and ramblings, feel into them and find what lands for you.

Here we go with Day 1 of the A to Z blogging challenge with my chosen theme of Question (Almost) Everything! Thank you so much for coming along for the ride!!

As I think about answers, I notice a few things. I am aware of different types of questions – questions of agony that can feel judgmental, self-critical, harsh, or victimy; questions of hope and excitement that hold the energy of wonder and delight along with perhaps a little nervousness; questions of anticipation that hold an eager or impatient energy; questions of true curiosity, of genuine interest or desire to know more, without agenda. I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones that rise up in this moment. Oh, questions of “should” and of “right and wrong” are another powerful and predominant group.

What kind of questions do you find yourself sitting with regularly? What answers do you long for?

A couple of beliefs about answers rise up:
1. Answers are "out there," and
2. Answers lie within

So, let's look at them one at a time.

Answers are "out there" is something I've believed on some level most of my life. That someone, something, other than me knows what is best for me. I've had to work really hard over the years to get to a point of trusting myself. My first inclination is still to look for a book (or as many books as I can find) for any situation I'm facing. And, yet, this idea that the answer is somewhere out there has also led to a lot of pain and confusion.

As a youngish new mother, I didn't know how to trust myself. I remember distinctly reading all the "What to Expect" books as my bibles throughout pregnancy, infancy, and toddler years - they were pretty helpful in terms of normalizing stuff I'd never encountered before. And, then, for some reason those books drop you and leave you hanging! Where is the "What to Expect in the Teen Years?" Or "What to Expect when Addiction Enters Your Home?" Seriously lacking, folks!!

When my first son was just a baby, I remember feeling so lost and confused... one book is telling me to let him cry it out, even though it's ripping our hearts to shreds to do so... another says pick them up whenever they cry (didn’t love that answer either because we were exhausted)... another, "don't spoil your child..." It would be nice if the “experts” could at least agree! In those early days of sleep deprivation and feeling like aliens on foreign terrain, we desperately wanted anyone to just tell us what to do! At least that’s how it felt in that moment and in most moments of panic and fear.

But, actually, as I look back, what I really wish was that someone had reassured me that we would find our own way, our own rhythm that worked for us as a couple and as a family, based on who this little one was. Really...

Starting a business, becoming a coach, there are plenty of people ready and willing to tell you how you're supposed to do things - what's right, what's wrong - how to earn 6 figures in 3 days! Give me a break! But I still have to pause to resist the temptation of the bright shiny course. It's an effort for me to lean into finding my own way to do things and letting that be ok. The programming that suggests there is a right or wrong way to do things runs strong through my veins.

More often than not, I have to remind myself that yes, there are plenty of answers "out there,” but I don't have to buy into any that don't ring true for me.

There are plenty of people all too happy to tell you what you "should" do... very few who encourage you to stop and decide for yourself.

So, let's go on to Answers Lie Within...
This idea is one I very much believe. I trust that each of us is the expert in our own life and that when we are able to find the way, we can lean into our own knowing and trust.

I also know that that’s not always a reassuring stance either, because as lost and confused humans, sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier if someone would just tell me!!

So, my closing thoughts on this are we want answers, but we really don’t want someone else to tell us what to do, except when we’re feeling most lost and confused. Even then, deep down, if it doesn’t resonate with our heart and soul, I think we feel the dissonance. I also think that more often than not when people start telling us what to do, we naturally begin to shut down. We feel the disconnect from our own wisdom and knowing. We feel the pain of not being seen and heard. We wish someone would just tell us to find our way.

What are your thoughts about questions and answers? Please share your wisdom in the comments below! #AtoZchallenge

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Forgetting How to Hurry

3/21/2022

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Transitioning, Adjusting, Reflecting…

We got back home last Monday evening, and I wanted to share with you some reflections as I'm slowly transitioning from what life has been like for the past 2 ½ months into “typical home life.” It's kind of fascinating to witness myself as if looking in from the outside. I've lived in this house for 4 ½ years and in this area most of my life, and yet I feel as if I'm meeting myself here anew this week.

Since January I've had no appointments to drive to, no people to connect with in person, and lots and lots of 1:1 time with Tom (my hubby). We've both worked virtually during that time - I have met with clients and participated in a number of trainings and professional development, but there's something different about getting back from the beach or out of the shower in time for a phone or Zoom call than having to get in a car to drive somewhere. Also, I have only driven about 5 times in the past 10 weeks! Life has had a sweet and simple rhythm and flow.

Now I'm moving back into our more typical way of being… as soon as we got home, I had to rush to eat my supper while Tom unloaded the car before I jumped into a 4 hour training. Our drifting into our own little worlds was already underway.

He brought all the stuff in and, exhausted from two full days of travel, we both agreed to leave bags and boxes to be dealt with later. I did notice how much easier it is to unpack and settle into the rental home than it is to unpack and settle back into our own space. In part because I have to fit all the traveling stuff into all the other stuff that's here. I have been very struck by a sense of “too much stuff…” Going into a rental condo is different - in that scenario we are adding ourselves into the space, finding places to make it our own, to create comfort and flow.

Forgetting How to Hurry…
By bedtime I couldn't sleep because my mind was still stirring and my body was uncomfortable and there was noise that disrupted me. I didn't sleep well and I woke up the next morning needing to get ready for a 10:30 appointment. As I began my preparations I recognized that I had forgotten how to hurry. That was both delightful (and something I want to remember to forget) and a little concerning because I did actually have to drive 30 minutes to get to my chiropractor.

Following the Heart and Soul…
Thankfully I moved quickly enough while still at a pace that worked for me to make it on time. In the waiting room I ran into a friend who told me how she and her husband had fairly rapidly followed a long-time dream and were moving to Florida! After starting to look at properties, within a month they had found and bought a house that meets both of their needs and desires, sold theirs (within 5 days after 60+ showings and 30+ offers…for a lot more money than asking price) and things are coming together beautifully.

Seeing her joy and sense of freedom reminded me what it's like to follow the call of the heart and soul! It's how I left my job and started my practice, how we ended up here in this house on the water, and how we've now wintered down South for 3 years! It seems that sometimes when you say “yes” and genuinely feel all in, there's a whoosh of energy that gets things flowing. It's not magic, but it certainly can be magical! It was nice to feel that in her and to share in her celebration!

Perspective and compassion
You might remember me griping about the “yelling people” downstairs who were definitely adding some stress and angst to our days and nights in Hilton Head. When we left I wrote a card to mail to them and resisted the temptation to be snarky or mean. Instead I simply offered them an anonymous loving kindness wish: “May you be peaceful. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you live with ease" along with an invitation to embrace the beautiful moments in this new day. I'm not sure why I felt called to do that, but I did. Seeing this young family with 3 or 4 little ones crammed into such a small space did give me some compassion and I knew I had no idea what was going on in their life.

I had mentioned to our hosts that we might not be back because of the frequent yelling and screaming. Our host checked into the situation and discovered that this family were relatives of the owners who were staying there because they were unable to return to their home in Guatemala due to Covid restrictions. Whew… that could add a certain level of stress, couldn't it!? So glad I had sent loving kindness and not nastiness!

Just a good reminder that we never know what other people are going through and that extending love and compassion is always the best choice.

Transitioning and Adjusting
My whole being is happier and more relaxed when there is sunshine and warmth, so coming back to this grey bleak time of year is a little tough. I am very much appreciating a friend's picture posts of her trip to Hawaii and can feel the longing in my own soul for that vibrant color of flowers and water. I've lived here mostly forever, but each year I find myself less and less tolerant of the cold and grey (hence the whole wintering away!).

As I move through the house, I'm finding myself having to pause and remember where are the glasses? where do I put these clothes? What DO I eat for breakfast in the cooler weather? And I'm also assessing as I put things away, “Do you deserve to take up precious space in this little home?” I'm throwing things away and gathering clothes to donate. I can feel a strong desire for Spring cleaning and purging! I even organized the junk drawer in the bathroom and cleaned the shelves in the cabinet before unpacking and adding in what has come back with us.

Even though I am back home, it's an adjustment. Even though we are always in transition, these moments feel particularly clunky as I settle back in. I am meeting myself where I am in this moment, gently, carefully discerning with each appointment, are you someone I want to continue to work with? Do I need appointments as often as I did before? What feels right to me in this season of my life?

As I feel the “too muchness” in so many ways and the longing for spaciousness, for color, fresh air, and sunshine, for slowing down, I am choosing carefully how to spend my time. For instance, this evening I chose a walk with Tom over joining a group I love on Zoom - my soul just needed to get out there on this 62 degree day when the sun was out! Rhythms and routines are different here. We're finding our way. The kindness I promised myself this week is to not overwhelm my schedule and to unpack slowly and gradually while I also tend to the things that have to get done.

Good thing I forgot how to hurry! I am going to do my best to hold onto that. I look forward to less frenzy and more flow. (We listened to a great podcast on our drive home with Brene Brown and Dr. Shawn Ginwright which touches on this idea - you can listen to that here if you'd like)

And I offer you this poem, which has sometimes been used to pressure people to do more. I think actually the real intent and invitation is to do less… “to be idle and blessed,"… to not miss the simple pleasures and delights of an ordinary day.

The Summer Day
by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

This week's meditation is Forgetting How to Hurry, and it includes a reading of “The Rat Race” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life. May it support you in taking a brief pause in your day.

More thoughts (and still seeking your input)! Blogging A-to-Z Challenge:
Thank you to those who shared some ideas with me for this challenge! I'm in! (I even bought the t-shirt so it's official!). Every day in the month of April, except Sundays, I will post a theme-related blog based on the letter of the day.

The working title for my theme is Question (Almost) Everything! Inspired by Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved, I thought it might be fun to live into some questions – to look at our conditioning, the stories, actions, and beliefs we’ve bought into and why we do and say some of these things. Who taught us to believe this, where and when did we pick up this idea, and what might we choose instead?

What do you think? What questions do you have that I might explore? What conditioning are you curious about? What belief, cultural narrative, actions, or simple pithy sayings drive you crazy? Send me a note and let me know, please! I'll need some help coming up with something for every letter! And for some letters I have multiple ideas, so if this goes well, who knows? Could become an ongoing thing!

The blogs will be posted on my blog and will only be emailed to people who choose to receive them. Thanks to those who have already subscribed to this special list. Email me if you too would like to receive these A to Z posts!

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The Heart Revolution has Begun...

3/3/2022

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Drew a heart in the sand to mark the moment - BFK + TFK 3-2-22

Two posts in two days!? What?? Yup! This one couldn’t wait – it’s bursting to be shared! (I think maybe, just maybe the heart revolution which I invited you to join yesterday has begun – I can feel it!).

Ah, I have to say, yesterday was absolutely perfect… even though Mary’s dead, Nate’s in the hospital, Adam wasn’t here, and I could “only” share the day with Tom. It was amazing and my heart is still bursting to overflowing.

Even though there were no gifts to unwrap, no cards to open, no flowers to receive. It was absolutely perfect. Why? Because I felt loved – because I loved myself and showed up for me and asked for what I wanted (pretty uncomfortable and not always the norm). Because we created a glorious, heartfelt, magical day.

And the moments matter way more than a mountain of material things ever could.

I got to be with Tom. I got to talk to Nate, Adam, and Steve, and listen to messages from Mindy and Kare – and, even though they were the only ones who called, that was enough.

And, here’s the thing. I KNOW my experience in this moment could be vastly different if I narrowed my focus onto what wasn’t rather than what was. What was missing or lacking rather than everything that filled my heart. It’s an unwritten rule in my life that cards matter, and yet, there was not one single card, even from Tom. But, what I had instead was his complete, undivided attention for an entire day, from sunrise til bedtime. I’ll take it!

Now, I can write about this because I allow myself to notice and to choose what I focus on – what really matters. Time – wild horses – blue sky and sunshine – bird song, a starlit night, the sweetness of a loved one’s voice or message (and the effort they took to let me hear it or feel it). Money can’t buy these things and these things bring tears of gratitude and break open my heart… Truly.

This is not me settling or compromising or making things be ok. This is me landing solidly in a deep, deep contentment that life is so very good event though not every bit of it might be exactly perfect on the surface.   In my heart and soul it is absolutely Divine, heavenly, magical, and I am so grateful.

Maybe this is the wisdom of the years or the heavens speaking in this moment. Tomorrow I might be a resentful bitch about something else, but it won’t be about my birthday. Honestly, it was the best birthday ever because:
A. We created a day for me – that made one more of my little girl dreams come true – I got to see wild horses!!
B. No work. No productivity. No squeezing one thing in even on the drive. Only time for what really mattered – delight, connection (with Tom and also through birthday messages via text, Messenger, email and Facebook), and
C. I let more of me free into the world with yesterday’s Heart Revolution newsletter and blog, which felt risky and was well-received, at least by some.

Birthday Mantras:
Tom asked me if I had any birthday mantras. I said, “To take nothing for granted and to be more me!” To choose to savor life – truly from deep within my heart. To choose to just live and enjoy as many moments as possible, and to savor life’s sweetness and focus there. To risk being called Pollyanna or too positive or pissing people off who would rather I hide my joy.

This is the ground I stand on. One where I don’t need to hide away my joy or delight. One where I can dance and sing when I hear great music, even if it’s in a restaurant or on the beach or mall in a crowd of people. One where I smile and tell a stranger I love her shirt or offer to help someone. One that deepens connection because I am not locked away in my own discontent.

Does this mean I won’t ever feel sad or angry or disappointed? Does it mean that my heart isn't also breaking for the people who are suffering? Does it mean I'm not seething with anger at unjust acts of war? Hell no! It means my heart can hold it all. It means from this heart-centered place I am grounded and ready to act. It means that fierce compassion can rise up to take the steps that are mine to take.

I will more honestly, more openly, more fully feel all that I feel and then decide where to dwell – which feelings to hang out with and for how long. I will choose what actions are mine to take.

And, you might say, “But, clearly you were disappointed with no cards or you wouldn’t have mentioned it.” And I say with full honesty, and not to convince anyone, “No. That was just my mind noticing the story that I’ve lived with all these years, and my heart is discovering a new reality, a new truth. I’m actually not disappointed at all. In fact, quite the opposite. I don’t care if Hallmark ever makes one more cent on a card for me!” I am so very happy and grateful and I choose what’s good, what’s right in life. That’s where I want to hang out.

I am just not going to hold back any more. Unlocking me feels so very good, and I do believe it’s part of this heart revolution. I hope you join me in setting yourself just a little more free today! This is what's possible when you do!

Some Songs to Support this Feeling:
Oh, and here's this morning's playlist to reinforce all of this! (You want another way to tap the wisdom of the Universe? Create a playlist that awesomely fills your heart and put it on shuffle! Amazing what comes through at just the right time!) Click the links for today's songs. Enjoy!!

All My Life - Linda Rondstadt and Aaron Neville (an anthem of our relationship)
You'll Never Walk Alone - Marcus Mumford
Both Sides Now - Judy Collins (listen to the words... perfect accompaniment!)
What Light - Wilco (thanks, Carol Moon, for this gem!)
Here We Go - WILD (thanks, Jen Louden!)