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Getting Grounded

7/20/2021

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Phew!  It's been a doozy of a week for me - lots of dips into funks, times of abandoning myself, questioning myself, doubting myself, getting down on myself…  for no particular reason that I can pinpoint, which is the worst kind of out of sorts for me!  I like to at least understand what's going on.  

I try to remember that we all have these funks and I've talked to a lot of people who seem to be riding these funk waves with me at this time, but knowing it's to be expected and I'm not alone helps only a little.  Sometimes I am better at being with the discomfort of it, and other times I really just want it to stop… to go away!  

I definitely know that the more I'm able to let things be as they are and not aggressively try to change them, the more quickly it will move on through.  

I also know that when the inner turmoil is stirring it can be really unsettling, and at times we even feel shaken up, not grounded at all.  So, the theme this week is getting grounded.
 
Getting Grounded: 

One of the quickest ways to do this is to simply feel your feet on the floor (or barefeet on the earth if you can), feel your body being held by the seat, bed, or ground, let out a few audible sighs, maybe even imagining the stress or burden sliding right off your shoulders. Notice how your body wants to move. Does your neck want some gentle circles?  Do you want to wiggle or stretch in any way?  Let yourself move until you are just a little more comfortable.  Find yourself in this moment - look around - what do you see? What do you hear?  Who else is nearby?  Are you safe here?  (If not, please find a way to get to a place where you are). 

If you're feeling super agitated, you might want to shake your hands and arms (and maybe even your feet and legs) as if you're shaking off whatever it is that's getting to you.  

Feel your breath - notice its natural rhythm and quality in this moment without trying to change anything.  With each breath invite your belly to soften.  Place your hands on your lap or on your heart or on your belly… feel your own warmth and tender touch - this is a gesture of self-compassion.  Let yourself know that you are here for you.  

Allow yourself a little time to not need to DO anything or to figure anything out, but simply to be here with yourself.  Take the time you need… Connecting with your breath and feeling your body.  Support yourself to get into your body in this moment in time.  If there is any gentle reassurance you want to offer to yourself, please do… things like, “I'm here… we've got this… I love you.  We will get through this.  Shhhh….” can be tried out.  If you find a phrase that softens your body a bit, offer that to yourself - lean into it.  Let the softness come.  

Repeat as often as needed.  I've needed it a lot lately.  After I feel a little more grounded I've found it to be helpful to take note of what's true in this moment by either writing about “In this moment…” simply allowing my pen to move across the page about whatever is here right now for a few minutes or just saying aloud or silently to myself, “OK, in this moment…”  This helps to bring a reality check to this moment, this time, and keeps me from running away with the thoughts that may be carrying me in 900 different directions at once.  Right here. Right now.  Be here now.  (Sometimes I recite this simple phrase to myself with every inhale, exhale, and pause).  

How do you get grounded? I'd love to hear - please share your ideas so that we can add to our available practices!  

I've recorded this guided meditation to support you in getting grounded.  I invite you to give yourself a few minutes and allow yourself this time to settle in to this moment.  
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Our Need for R.E.S.T...

7/13/2021

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Coming back from a couple of days away with my husband, Tom, I am reminded how vital REST is to our spirits, bodies, minds, hearts, and nervous systems.  While we were away our only goals were to rest, relax, have fun, and flow with our days. 

Yesterday I spent the day reading, writing, and relaxing by the pool – dipping in when the sun got too hot, getting in the shade when I needed a break from the sun, and talking and laughing with Tom.  We were lighthearted and delighted by the simplicity of the day.  We did not allow work or phones to interrupt our time.  We consciously chose to take this time together to enjoy life and one another.  Summer is a great and easy time to do this as it seems to lend itself to it – there’s a collective energy of play, vacation, and lightness. 

On our drive home we listened to a podcast with Broadway sensation, Lin-Manuel Miranda, a wildly creative man!  He shared that much of his inspiration for his shows came when he was in a relaxed state – floating in a pool or on vacation.  Of course, there’s much hard work involved in bringing what he creates to life, but there is also an opening for creativity that happens when he is in a state of rest. 

I have experienced this myself and witnessed it in others – it may look like we’re procrastinating or not creating because there isn’t yet anything to show the world.  But, in reality, when we slow down and give ourselves some spaciousness, our mind is free to dream, to imagine, to visualize and we are open to receive bursts of insight, inspiration, and artistry.  Percolation time is a necessary precursor (at least for some of us) for spurts of creativity. 

It struck me that we all have a deep need for rest, for so many reasons.  As a society we are often rest-deprived, placing value on busy-ness and productivity over this restorative space that can feel like nothing is happening.  What we miss is that often, something important is still going on even though there isn’t outer evidence or product to show. When we have time and space, we can access fresh perspectives for problem solving, and our imagination can dream up things that wouldn’t be possible if we forced them.  When our nervous system can relax, we are not in a state of fight or flight, but rather receptivity, wonder, and openness.  We are more likely to respond more thoughtfully than react mindlessly.

I offer you this way to look at REST:
R – Re-boot
E – Exit
S – Space
T – Time
 
Re-boot: Just as your computer or phone can get bogged down or frozen and needs to be powered down and then re-started, we too need periodic re-boots.  Without taking a break, we become overly reactive, spinning (just like that annoying circle on your computer), going nowhere.  Our nerves are frayed, we’re depleted and drained.  We need to interrupt this spinning by stepping back from the habitual pace at which we move and the typical things we mindlessly do.  We need to power down, unplug - choose to give ourselves an intentional break to refresh, rejuvenate, re-fuel, re-energize (so many great R words… I could go on forever, but I’ll spare you! You can add your own).  This allows us to start up again with renewed energy, fresh perspective, a lighter heart.
 
Exit – Like a performer, sometimes we need to “exit stage left” from the center of our lives where all the activity is happening.  Get out of the spotlight, step behind the curtain, take off the costume, mask, and makeup and just BE.  Whether you step away for 3 minutes, 3 days, or 3 weeks, an intentional exit will give you a chance to re-boot.
 
Space – We need space in our lives – physical space, space in our schedule, distance from one another and time between activities.  I was highly aware of this on our drive.  I want several car lengths between me and the car ahead of me; I want to change lanes well before I need to make a turn and in a time when it’s safe to get over. 
 
This tendency transfers to life for me.  I don’t want to be squeezed into a tight space where I have to react without thinking, to feel pushed or rushed.  In traffic or in daily life, these scenarios make me anxious.  It’s easy to fill our schedules so tightly with calls or meetings that there is no room between meetings for a bathroom or meal break or even time to do the actual work. It’s even easier to fill our schedules so that there is no time available for the mini reboots (a quick walk outdoors, a conversation with a friend, a breath of fresh air or a day off), and we begin to feel an internal pressure of constraint and overwhelm. We need breathing room in our days in order to think clearly, be inspired or creative, show up to life’s challenges at the top of our game (or at least closer to it). 
 
Time – We need time… time alone, time to move more slowly, time to breathe, time to connect and time to reflect.  This goes very closely with space, as you can see.  We need to allow ourselves more time than we think we need to get places and finish tasks!! How many of you are overly optimistic when it comes to those kinds of things?  When we give ourselves time, we create the space which allows us to exit or step aside for a moment or more in order to re-boot. 
 
How do you know when you need a REST?
 
What are your signals when it’s time for you to give yourself this critical R.E.S.T.?  How does your body let you know?  Your mind?  Your heart?  Your spirit?  Learn to listen more closely for these internal signals so that you can respond with self-compassion and kindness.  We want to be proactive in creating this time of R.E.S.T so that we don’t find ourselves “resting” with a headache, illness, or injury. 
 
Taking time to re-boot, exit, and allow space and time will have a ripple effect!  Not only do you benefit – the people in your life will thank you too!  Give it a try and please let us know your thoughts and experiences here.  How do you like to give yourself R.E.S.T.?  What happens when you don’t?  What’s your promise to yourself in terms of honoring this need in the next little while?  

In need of a R.E.S.T?  Join me on retreat...  

If you're in need of some serious rest, please consider joining me, Sandra Sabene, and Carol Moon for this year's Let Your Light Shine Retreat, September 24-28th at the deeply restorative space that is Light on the Hill Retreat Center in the gorgeous Finger Lakes of Western NY!  We have created this time to allow you lots of space and time to let down, to connect with your inner wisdom and inspiration, to renew and be deeply nourished physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually! Early bird registration closes July 31st!  
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Practice...In Real Life

7/1/2021

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 ​If life has taught me anything, these are a few of the key lessons that apply across the board:
  1. Things don’t always go as planned
  2. My “control” is very limited, and mostly a delusion
  3. Worrying never helps, but that doesn’t stop it from rushing in anyway
  4. Where I place my attention and what I choose to focus on profoundly changes my experience of life. 

​As I write, I am in Austin where I’ve recently finished a powerful and profound writing and meditation retreat led by Susan Piver. Being in Susan’s home with 11 other writers opened me and my heart to the depth of what the next book wants to be.  It was the perfect container and helped me to connect the way my meditation practice has supported me and carried me through some of the hardest times of my life.  It is what has opened my heart and softened me in a way that allows me to bring love and compassion to people and experiences in a way that I don’t think I would have been able to otherwise. 

In 4 days of sharing space, meditating together, and writing in communal silence, my heart blossomed, my tears came. and I felt the complexity of writing about our journey through addiction.  I have stayed with it. I love our particular meditation practice because it is all about being awake in our lives, being able to be with life as it is and not needing to retreat within or push anything away.  It takes courage to face life head-on, especially when what’s here is painful and uncertain. 

Transitioning from retreat back into “ordinary life,” watching retreat dissolve, as Susan so beautifully described it, and returning to my regular pace and ways has been gradual and is right now still incomplete.  I’ve been fortunate to be able to blend my retreat time with family time – to visit with my sister and her family who I haven’t seen in a couple of years (because… COVID…).  It’s been a beautiful blend of together time and solo down time, time to meditate and write… time to sit in their heavenly backyard and drink in the sights and sounds of nature. 

I have been reminded this week of the power of pure and simple moments.  Our meditation practice is so pure in its simplicity… simply sitting with our eyes open, feeling the breath and allowing everything to be here, nothing to push away – sights, sounds, thoughts will all come and go, and when we get distracted to the point of having lost connection with our breath, we simply return and begin again.  I’ve watched emotions rise and fall away, tears well up and wash down my face as insights and openings come through.  I’ve had moments of distracted random thoughts – some inspired and others perfectly mundane.  I’ve followed thoughts that led to pages and pages of handwriting into my next book, and I have witnessed the pauses when I touched on a tough concept or memory.

In the simplicity something that is beyond words happens.  I felt the power of retreat – simply being together in a shared space where we are all in this together creates a palpable and magical force (I say “magical” because I’m never entirely sure what happens, but I feel it every time).  While I can meditate and write on my own, and do on an almost daily basis, coming together to do these things amplifies it all in a lovely way.  Having this community, a set schedule, and shared practice create the container where the magic comes to life as we each get in touch with our own inner wisdom, guidance, insight and as we share our moments of challenge and stuckness as well as our inspired moments of flow. 

Pure and simple moments also included time with my precious little 3 year old great niece showing me her room, cuddling up and saying, “I love our whole family;” playing with my 6 year-old great nephew and his imaginary dog friend, Leo, who has a different attitude every day (thankfully it was a happy attitude the day he jumped on my head!) and watching his eyes light up with delight as he wove ever more intricate details of Leo/Liam’s adventures!  Sharing lunch with my nieces, talking with their husbands, and introducing my sister and brother-in-law to the artistry and charm of Brandi Carlile, the twins, and Josh in their livestreaming campfire concert.  A sweet hug and deep conversation with an old friend; sharing a walk to the local coffee shop to retrieve our mid-day drinks with our retreat group.  Fun “girlfriend time” with my sister. Taking in the serene beauty of the deer, hummingbirds, and the nightly serenade of crickets and frogs.  It’s been a week of precious, simple moments and memories – too many to recount. 

And, the plan was, that yesterday, I would make another big transition – get on a plane and fly back across the country to reunite with my husband.  Amazing how air travel lets us travel thousands of miles in a matter of hours. 

Except… when it doesn’t quite work out.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My flight was at 3:50 and at 11:19 I received a text from Southwest simply stating, “SWA Flight #5269 from AUS is cancelled.  Go to Southwest.com to rebook…”  What!?  I was shocked and confused – it’s not blizzard season! What the heck!?  I tearfully called my husband as the first step in the process to give him a heads-up before I logged on to begin to figure things out. 

As I looked at flight schedules, it became clear that there were no more flights that day, no seats available today, and it would be two full days before I could claim a seat to get back home.  Okay, then… Time to reschedule my PT, haircut, and acupuncture and connect with my client… But first, I’m making that dinner reservation!  Dammit, if I’m going to be here, we are going to eat well!  We hadn’t felt like going out the night before, so let’s make the most of this! 

Talking with my family, I shared a little worry that Friday’s flight might also be cancelled… it’s a holiday weekend, so it could be extra tricky (today’s report of 2+ hour lines to check bags today and 2.2 million travelers planning to fly out of Austin this weekend – the highest in 21 years confirmed that it’s going to be more than tricky!). Yikes!  My niece wisely and calmly looked my way and asked, “What are you going to do with that worry?”  Great question!  I considered it for a moment and said, “Well, right now, I’m going to feel it… and let it be here and move through me” (or something like that – it felt true and she liked my answer!  Bonus!). 

I was shaken and simultaneously aware that I am very lucky to be in a beautiful home with people who love me enough to let me stay on and that this is a very first world problem… AND that I still get to be shaken, saddened, and worried.  Talking with my son and husband helped me to begin to process and adjust to the idea that the freshly stripped bed needed to be re-made, the perfectly packed suitcases (really, I was way more organized than usual) had to be reopened, and I had to/got to settle back in for a couple of bonus days with my family.  My practice allowed me to do all of that relatively automatically. 

Cultivating a heart that can hold it all… this is what it’s about.  Disappointment mixed with the delight of fresh opportunity, sadness mixed with joy and enjoyment, a little concern of being a burden, and acceptance that this is what’s here for me today.  I’m consciously trying to stay in the moment and to be here now even as I notice my thoughts flit ahead to tomorrow… what time should I realistically get to the airport?  What happens if I check my bags and then they cancel my flight?  Will I get home in time to be at my friend’s son’s celebration of life?  Will I get to see my son on Sunday?  Or will I be in Austin and get treated to the local incredible 4th of July fireworks that they say they can see right out the backyard from the heavenly patio that has offered such beauty and peace this week? 

We shall see… For now, in this moment, I am grateful for the extra time, for being in a safe and comfortable place with people I love who can and will share it with me, for a delicious leftover lunch and plans for an uplifting movie date with my sister, and for my awareness that where I place my attention makes a world of difference in my experience of life.  I choose to find the good within this change of plan rather than continuing to be upset or to worry.

Fingers crossed for a smooth airport check-in and ease-ful on-time cross-country travel at the same time I let go of control I don’t have anyway.  If you’d hold that vision with me, I’d appreciate it, and I’ll take it one moment at a time.  It’s really all any of us can do.  This moment is pretty sweet.  
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Everyday Beauty

6/1/2021

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This week I come to you with a simple, but not easy invitation.  Slow down and notice the everyday beauty all around you.  Pause to take in sights, sounds, scents.  Cherish a sweet smile shared in passing with a stranger.  Savor a conversation with a friend.  Take your time as you enjoy the sweetness of a strawberry.  







This practice pairs well with gratitude and it can completely shift our experience of life because it redirects our focus.  Even in hard times, sad times, angry times, there is beauty to be found.  The more we notice, the more often we remember to look.  We soften and we begin to allow in “this too…”  Even as my heart breaks, I can find the beauty in a flower offered with love.  Even when it's a dark and gloomy day, there is a fleck of color that catches my eye.  

Curious... What do you notice? 
I'd love to hear about the beauty you notice as you move throughout your day.  I'm also curious what shifts for you as you take time to look for it… to include it.  Please share in the comments below!  

This isn't about painting over anything painful or hard.  It's about saying “this too…”  This too is here.  It isn't all good or all bad, all black or all white - there are so very many shades of color in between.
 
This week's meditation is “Everyday Beauty.” I invite you to join me in this practice as we slow down and become present… as we notice the beauty we might otherwise miss.  May this practice fill you up.  

If you've missed previous meditations, you can access my entire library for free at Soundcloud.  I invite you to explore and see which practices would most support you this week.  

​A Beautiful Invitation for You: 
Doors are open for my Soul Care group (which is a truly beautiful thing in itself) for the summer session which begins next Monday, June 7th.  This is a group that comes together to focus on self-care and also nurturing and nourishing our souls so that they are filled up!  We will be gathering every other week on Monday evenings from 7-8:30 PM EDT June - August.  Email me to apply if you're interested in joining this group.  
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The Cruelty of Skin Suits... and Radical Love

5/18/2021

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Skin Suits, pain, and grief... 
In the show “The Good Place,” the leaders of the Bad Place devise ways to torture people.  Perhaps their most cruel tactic was what they called “skin suits.”  The torturers were hidden inside the body of someone you loved so that you’d be fooled into thinking they were safe, loving, there for you…  and then they’d do something awful to you.  You’d feel that internal confusion of “who are you?  Why are you doing this to me?  I don’t even recognize you…”

And it struck me how much this reflects what it’s like to love someone consumed by mental illness, substance or alcohol use, or dementia.  On the outside the person still looks like our person, but on the inside, they’re not really there.  We look into their eyes trying to connect, but we just can’t find them.  They act in ways that the person we know and love never would.  They do things that are hurtful to themselves and to us. 

It’s sad and it’s lonely and it’s a unique form of grief to mourn the loss of someone who is still alive.  To love this person deeply.  To not have had a chance to say goodbye.  To have moments of connection and clarity which bring with them a bit of hope… and then to have that hope crushed to the point where you don’t dare to feel it again. 

Radical Love
What can we do when the person we see is so unfamiliar to us?  So far from the person we’ve known them to be?  Lost, even to themselves?  We can turn to radical love.  The love that carries us through impossible times and takes us to unimaginable places. 

The terms “radical acceptance” and “radical empathy” have been shared in recent trainings. Tara Brach has written books titled, Radical Acceptance and Radical Compassion, so these radical terms are floating around, perhaps more and more frequently and more and more in a positive way. 

What’s “Radical" All About?
So, let’s get curious… what is this “radical” all about?    Before I look it up (which I will), what comes to mind is a sense of extreme (it’s often connected to not such positive groups).  In these cases of acceptance, compassion, empathy, and love which all represent qualities of kindness and care, it speaks to the times we show up in ways and at times we couldn’t believe possible.  It speaks to a love that binds us even when our loved one doesn’t recognize us or isn’t available to connect with us in the way we long for.  This, to me, is radical love. 

Radical love holds you while you sit in the Emergency Room waiting room with your loved one in mental health crisis, feeling both the judgmental stares and the averted glances, feeling invisible and oh too visible all at once.  Radical love walks with you through the razor wire fences to sit in the barren room on a cold hard plastic chair to visit with your child under the watchful eye of a correctional officer. Radical love breaks your heart open and brings tears at the smallest act of kindness in an unexpected place.  It drives across country with you to visit your parent as they plot their escape from the memory care unit, and it helps you to feel both the sadness and the humor all at once.

Radical love allows you to see the humanity in the homeless person shuffling down the street.  Radical love makes the sandwich that you hand to her, without judgment in your eyes.  Radical love shows up to serve those who are too often overlooked and misunderstood.  

Radical Love Reminds You That You Too Matter…
Radical love also reminds you that you too matter.  That your well-being and sanity are worthy of your tender care.  That it is ok to take a break, to take a breath, to tend to yourself.  Radical love lifts the phone out of your hand, turns it off, and tucks you in so that you can get the rest you need to face the crisis that surely awaits.  Radical love reminds you that it’s unsustainable to be all things to all people all the time, so it quietly lifts your cape from your shoulders and brings you a cup of tea. 

Why is this love radical?  Because we’re conditioned to make sure everyone else is ok, especially the people we love, especially when they are suffering or struggling.  We’re not told that we too have needs or that even in the midst of heartache and despair you can also enjoy some time with a friend or dance with true joy or meditate in the forest. 

Society tells us “You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.” Or “You have to do something…” even if there’s really nothing you can do.  Our beliefs keep us going even when we have nothing left to give.  Radical love is needed to remind us that we’re no good to anyone if we’re depleted.  It calls us to gentle ourselves and to forgive ourselves when we couldn’t make someone else change, when we couldn’t save a life.  Radical love requires radical self-compassion as well as compassion and empathy for others. 

The expert’s voice…
I promised I'd look it up, and I did.  Merriam Webster defines radical as “very different from the usual or traditional: extreme.” I wonder what it will take for these acts of empathy, love, and compassion to become more usual or commonplace.  I hope we can be part of this shift in a world that is crying for more of these qualities.
 
In her book, Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach describes it as “the cultivation of mindfulness and compassion.”  She goes on to say that “Radical Acceptance reverses our habit of living at war with experiences that are unfamiliar, frightening or intense.  It is the necessary antidote to years of neglecting ourselves, years of judging and treating ourselves harshly, years of rejecting this moment’s experience.  Radical Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our life as it is.” 

In Radical Compassion, she says it “…means including the vulnerability of this life – all life – in our heart.  It means having the courage to love ourselves, each other, and our world.  Radical compassion is rooted in mindful, embodied presence, and it is expressed actively through caring that includes all beings.”  She writes, “I have to love myself into healing.  The only path that can carry me home is the path of self-compassion.” How beautiful is that... loving ourselves into healing!

Today’s Invitation:
Today I invite you to explore these ideas for yourself… radical compassion, radical acceptance, radical empathy, and radical love.  Let’s be EXTREME with scattering these ways of being.  Where can you bring them into your world? What changes within you and in your experience when you do?  How does it feel to approach yourself, others, and life from a radically kinder stance? I've recorded this meditation as a way to support you in stepping into this.  

When you next encounter someone you care about and find they’re wearing a skin suit, see if you can look beneath the surface to find the soul within and love them anyway.  It isn’t personal.  They’re just not able to be who you know them to be in this moment.  Maybe your remembering will help them to remember who they are one day…  maybe your love will help you remember who you are. 
​
Please let us know your thoughts and experiences.  Let’s learn and grow together in a radical way! 
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What Would Love Do?

4/13/2021

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Each morning I set an intention for my day…a quality that I invite in to support me throughout the day.  A guidepost that I can touch back in with when I remember.
One of my favorite and most powerful intentions is Love.  It allows me to check in with it throughout the day, asking, “What would Love do?”  before I react to a situation or sink into a particular story I'm telling myself.  

Asking What would Love do? allows us to tune into the quality of love as a guiding force.  Love reminds us to be gentle with ourselves and others, to act kindly and with compassion, remembering that we're all doing the best we can in this moment.

What does Love do?  
Love listens… 
Love sees you and hears you 
Love comforts a hurting heart
Love softens loneliness
Love sits with a hurting friend without any need to fix or advise
Love gives from a generous place, without expectation
Love fills us up
Love sets boundaries that are clear but not harsh
Love says “yes” or “no” without apology
Love cultivates trust
Love cuddles the dog
Love patiently sets aside the to-do list and chooses to be present with another
Love puts the phone away
Love smiles at a stranger, holds a door, and lets the anxious driver cut in
Love feeds the birds
Love slows down to notice the beauty
Love appreciates what's here

What else?? 

I invite you to try it out today. When you find yourself reacting, pause… ask yourself, “What would Love do?”  and notice how it changes your interactions, your perceptions, your perspective, and your day.  Let us know by sharing in the comments! 

The meditation I am sharing this week is one called “What Would Love  Do?” I invite you to enjoy this practice as we begin by first extending this love to ourselves.  
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What are Your Defining Moments?

4/6/2021

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Preparing for a recent podcast conversation with Sandra Sabene, I pondered a question she offered up.  What have been the defining moments of my life?  Those pivotal moments of impact, the ones we might label “bad” and “awesome.” 

For me, these moments have been heart and soul moments – not mind, logic, or typical measures of success moments. 

They have been the following my heart and listening to the call of my soul moments that have stirred something inside, shaking me awake, nudging me forward, calling me to show up… even when it’s been hard or I haven’t wanted to.  These are the moments that have made me more alive, more me… 

These moments let me step fully into the life I have been given, even when I really didn’t like how things were going.  The times I did not get stuck in a puddle of victimhood forever, but rose up, stepped forward.  These are the times I’ve been able to create something from the pain, work toward initiating change, being part of something new. 

Consistently they are moments that that energize and activate me – the moments that say, “We’re off on the next great adventure,” or “Oh boy…here we go, whether I like it or not…” 

For me they have often come after major hurdles in life that have threatened to stop me, break me, or bring me to my knees.  Sometimes these moments came through death or devastation. 

At times they have been excruciatingly painful – they have stopped me and torn me apart, throwing me off a path I desperately wanted to be on.  Until (with a lot of loving help and support) I was able to start crawling forward.

Sometimes they came through inspiration and excitement (often a powerful combination of terror and excitement).  The words that come pouring through from some unknown place.  The art that calls to be created.  The move that says, “It’s time!” 

Reflecting on several decades of life helped me to realize that there is not ONE defining moment in our lives, but rather a wide collection of them that have brought us to this day. 

Defining moments are the “right” steps and the seeming “mis-steps” along the way on the path called YOU.  They are the significant yeses and the critical no’s of rejecting what “makes sense,” walking away from what does not fit, and sometimes turning away from the thing you thought you were supposed to be or do. 

They are the waking up and coming alive moments.  The moments of daring, courage, hearts breaking open.  The times you listen to the nudges that get you to the next right place, that bring in the right people at the right time.  These are often times you can’t explain or justify (and likely you don’t care to!). 

The times you break through the fear and do what you know you have to do, be it “good” or “bad,” easy or tremendously challenging. 

More often than not, we don’t know these are defining moments until years later when we look back and see where they’ve led, what they’ve given birth to.  At that moment when we stepped into the dark abyss we could never have imagined where it was taking us. 

These are the moments when you learn something new about who you are and what you can handle – the times you learn a little bit more about what you stand for.  What you will and won’t tolerate.  What you absolutely must take action on.  The times you make the hard calls or take the bold risks and do the thing even though you’re shaking in your boots.

They are the moments of grace that allow things to unfold as they are meant to on a universal scale, not in the man-made version of life.   Only time will reveal the outcome for many of these moments.  All we can do is show up for what’s here now – right in this moment.  We may not have any idea how it will go.

These are the moments that make the butterflies swarm in your belly, your heart pound through your chest, your whole being get a little dizzy wondering, “Am I really doing this?”

The ability of the heart to find its way back to a friendship that seemed to be lost, to show up for a loved one who is lost in the darkness, the trusting that somehow, we will be all right, no matter what happens… moving into and through fear, into joy and allowing ourselves to feel it all. 

These are the defining moments of a life, and I truly am grateful for my wide collection of them.  ​
The Way It Is
By William Stafford

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among
things that change. But it doesn’t change.
People wonder about what you are pursuing.
You have to explain about the thread.
But it is hard for others to see.
While you hold it you can’t get lost.
Tragedies happen; people get hurt
or die; and you suffer and get old.
Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding.
You don’t ever let go of the thread.​
​Through these moments are woven threads that come from the heart and soul, the essence of who you truly are. 

What are your defining moments?  Take a moment to soak into them and feel how they feel in your body? I’ve recorded this meditation to guide you through this process if you like.   

And if you’d like to hear the conversation that was lit from the spark of this exploration, you can catch it here at Arts & Healing with Sandra.  
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Grief and Love

3/9/2021

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PictureImage by Mehrshad Rezaei from Pixabay
Grief and loss have been on my mind a lot lately.  I woke up thinking about grief and love the other day – how they are intricately interwoven in this human experience.  To love is to lose, and to lose is to grieve.  That’s not being pessimistic or dramatic.  It’s just true. 

If you open your heart to someone, it will likely get broken at some point in some way.  And, it is worth the risk because the heart is meant to open.  The heart is meant to love. 

“The angels want us to love with all our heart,
even though love always hurts,
to take the risk to glean the gold.”
From “The Angels Want,” in 111 Invitations, by Barb Klein
 
This poem, “The Angels Want,” speaks to this quite beautifully, I believe.  In general, as a society, we don’t do pain well – sadness, anger, grief, fear, hurt… we think these are things to “get over” in order to get back to happy.  We’re missing a profound part of the human experience by taking that approach. 
 
Unfortunately, too often we make pain wrong.  We judge the person who is feeling these things for “too long,” rather than sitting beside them as they sit in their pain. We try to make the pain go away with simple platitudes and empty promises that "this will get better."  
 
We create fairy tale images of love in all forms – partnership, parenthood, friendship, work… and these idealized loves cannot be lived up to in real life.  Pain is part of the deal.  It does not mean we are doing anything wrong – it means we are exquisitely alive to this human experience.  If we are to live, we will hurt.  Not all of the time.  But some of the time – sometimes deeply, and some hurts we will carry with us forever. 
 
And, yet, we will still find joy and peace.  It is not one or the other.  We don’t have to choose.  This is where we confuse ourselves because we think that if we are sad or grieving, we should only suffer.  We think if we are happy and in love or things are going well, we should only feel good.  We forget that being human is messy.  That life is messy.  That we are called to live in the midst of it all – to feel a little (or a lot) of this here and there. 
 
“The angels want us to get lost in extreme ecstasy
and bathe in unimaginable grief,
allowing the emotions to wash over and through us,
cleansing, refreshing, and rebirthing as they flow.”
From “The Angels Want”
  
Grief and gratitude – they coexist within us.  As we come upon the one-year anniversary of the COVID pandemic and quarantine, it’s likely you’ll reflect that the past year has been full of both.  The more we allow ourselves to feel the depth and breadth of these experiences, the more alive we truly are.  Fully alive doesn’t mean feeling good; it just means feeling everything more. 
 
I have been guilty of the “stay in the feel-good arena” more often than I’d like to admit – for myself and for those I care about.  I’ve not done any of us any service by trying to move us out of the painful place too soon.  To learn to be with ourselves, with one another in the depths of pain – this is the gift of the open-hearted human experience. 
 
We can do better.  We can live more fully when we stop making it wrong to cry, to scream, to hurt.  When we stop numbing the pain, we are more open to the bliss.  When we stop over-simplifying what we think life will be/should be, we can get on with living the life that is here, with all of its moments and phases.  Afterall, “the angels want us to live while we are here…” (from “The Angels Want”)
 
Want to be a better support person for someone who’s hurting? 
Here’s a great short video by Brene Brown about empathy that offers some tips on how to be with someone in their sadness or pain.  It’s something that we have not been taught.  It’s OK not to know.  And it’s skillful to learn to do better.  Here’s another video from Refuge in Grief about How do You Help a Grieving Friend? 

More resources are available on my Resources page - this topic feels important enough to have its own section.  Please let me know if you have other great resources I should add!  
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Human Happens... It's OK!

1/26/2021

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PictureGrumpy cat (weird for "Human Happens" I admit but this face... oh my!)
Remember that great book, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?”  I think he did have a string of rotten things happen to him that had him dreaming of running away to Australia…  or maybe he just had a rotten day.  It happens. 

I found myself in a rotten foul mood for no good reason at all (but we think we need a reason, don’t we!?)  In fact, there were lots of reasons on that particular day that I “should” have been happy!  The sun was shining, I had nothing but a great day planned, my arm was pain-free for the first time in a long time, on and on and on…  And the fact that I “should” have been happy only made it worse that I really wanted to jump out of my own skin!  (that never goes well, by the way!)

My mind wanted to make sense of it (as minds do)… if I could understand it, then my brain could categorize it, and tuck it away neatly in a file as that reason for bad moods…  My self-care teacher self knew all of the things I COULD do to try to shift it, but I wanted nothing to do with any of them.  In fact, these are the times when I want to throw my own book across the room and I tell my own teachings to “F%$K off!”  My Buddhist teachings kicked in to remind me to just be with it.  That really didn’t feel great, but in the end, that’s the path I took. 

Being human is messy.  Life is messy.  Bad moods will come. Good moods will come.  Inspiration will rise up and at other times, like the other day, we will find ourselves flailing and floundering in the dark... feeling we have nothing to offer the world.  In those dark pit of ick moments it’s hard to see the way out and the last thing we want to hear is “This too shall pass…”  Will it!?  I’m sure it will, but right now, this is where I am – let me be! 

Even today as I reflected on it in my journaling, I noted that I am feeling “more like myself” with some small sense of relief.  Then I noticed the implied judgement in that…  as if “myself” is the one who is uplifting and inspired and feeling good… as if the me who is down, depressed, pissy, and just irritable for no good reason is not really me. 

Whew!  This being human is not for the faint of heart, especially if, like me, you love exploring this inner landscape which can get oh so messy and confusing at times! 

But what’s really important is for each of us to remember that human happens. Human isn’t always pretty, it isn’t always what we prefer, it includes all the feelings and all the thoughts and worries, and it can swoop in unexpected and uninvited.  When it does, what we do with it matters.  How we treat ourselves in these moments matters.

There is a movement out there that supports the idea that we should feel good all the time and that the goal is to get to that feel good state at all costs and as soon as possible.  This, my friends, is spiritual BS, spiritual bypassing.  Even if we buy into the idea that peace is our natural inherent state and that love is what we’re made of, we are still going to have terrible, rotten, no good days for no obvious reason.  And it is OK!! 

Self-care doesn’t mean do all the things so you can feel better as soon as possible. Self-care means sit with yourself, as you are in your current state of exhaustion, confusion, anger, sadness, or ugliness… that’s it. Just be with yourself there and give yourself tender loving care and acceptance.  OK, this is how it’s gonna be right now.  I don’t like it, but I’m willing to sit with this discomfort.  You’re not doing life wrong.  You’re not doing anything wrong.  You are simply being your very real, very vulnerable, very tender, open-hearted self.  Cause, damn it, the more open our hearts are, the more we will feel!  (I offer you this meditation – Befriending Yourself – to help you sit with yourself lovingly).

Now, might my bad mood be a natural after-effect from the happenings in the world, the relief and coming down after Wednesday’s inauguration and the end of an intensive 5-day training?  Might I have just simply hit a wall of exhaustion after 11 months of COVID?  Sure, maybe… And, who cares?  What I want to do is to normalize bad days.  To give each of us permission to just have a bad day… without apology, without explanation, without worry, without shame.  And, actually, to even expect them.  They are part of riding the waves…  it’s unsustainable to stay in the crest all the time. The dip, the fall, the drop will inevitably come, until the next swell. 

To think that we are “less than” on these days, that we should somehow apologize for ourselves, hide away, and pretend to be ok when we are not is the very opposite of loving self-care.  To put up a false front is to chop off a very real part of ourselves and that’s just cruel… 
​
Human happens.  You’re human.  I’m human.  It’s OK.  Some days are just like this.  This too shall pass…  (cue the throwing of the book or tomatoes, or whatever! 😊)

And, here's the secret and the truth... the more we are able to sit with these times of discomfort, to wait them out in all of their ickiness, the less we stay stuck in them.  We are better able to move through when we lean into what's here than when we try to stuff our feelings down, hide them away, or banish them from the building.  

Thoughts?  
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Out of the Darkness...Into the Light

12/21/2020

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Picture
Today marks the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere.  On this darkest day of the year, the pivotal moment between dark and light, it is the perfect time to honor the darkness that has come into our lives through addiction.  It is a time to honor those who have been lost to the disease, to remember them with love.  It is a time to honor the struggle and the perseverance of those who are on the journey of recovery, and to honor ourselves and other loved ones who have also found a way through the darkness. 

In honoring the darkness and in grieving the losses we have endured, we bring those moments into the light.  When we bring them into the light, they are no longer hiding in the shadows, lurking in shame, or hidden in silence.  We claim and name our experience.  We see it for what it has been.  We presence it. 

When we do this, we are able to step forward into the light.  Just as the days begin to get longer with a bit more light from tomorrow on, we too can begin to bring more light into our homes and our beings. 

Addiction is a painful disease, as you undoubtedly know.  It affects everyone in its wake and can take down entire families with the weight of its suffering. 

However (and this is a big however), the journey from darkness to light does not have to take us out forever.  It is possible to find hope, joy, peace, love, and to create a brighter tomorrow, even when we have been impacted by addiction. 

If you are reading this, you are alive, and for that fact alone there is reason to celebrate.  You have been given the opportunity to live one more day.  What will you do with this one precious life you have been given?  How will you set your soul free to express itself?  What is uniquely yours to do?

Is there some way to honor your journey up to this very moment--the good, the bad, and the ugly, the full messiness of it all?  The painful, the joyous, the fearfulness, and the hope?  Whatever it’s looked like in the past, today marks a new day, albeit a short one.  Tomorrow offers the light of fresh possibility, as each day does.  How do you want to step into tomorrow? 

If we are able to find a way to turn our pain (or darkness) into possibility (or light), we can transform these heavy experiences into something that serve and support us and others.  We can show up for life more fully.  We can become who we were born to be. 

Let’s face it, 2020 has carried a full load of darkness, collectively, along with anything that you might have experienced personally. 

For many the holidays are emotionally-charged times and may bring in a healthy mix of emotions… sadness, joy, celebration, loneliness. I know I will be feeling both sadness for those who are not with us during this holiday season as well as joy and gratitude for those who are. 

There is room for it all.  When we allow ourselves to feel it all, to allow our hearts to carry this messy mix of what makes us human, we are able to move through it. 

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brene Brown
 
So, let this pivotal day be a day that marks the honoring of both the dark and the light.  Let us take a step back and look at the big picture of our lives and recognize that our experiences have not been all good or all bad, but rather a mix of both. 

Addiction can entomb us with its heavy cloak of darkness if we let it, but we can choose to lift up the corner of that cloak and peek outside.  We can lay down the heaviness and step into the light.  We get to choose. 

We may well prefer the moments of lightness, light-heartedness, and light in general, but there is also a gift to receive during the dark and challenging times.  We must be willing to sit with this part of our reality if we are to truly enjoy the light. 

I have found that it is in the dark where I have grown the most.  I wonder if that might be true for you as well.  I offer you this poem for consideration.  

The Places We Grow
It’s in the dark,
in the shadows,
where we stretch and grow.
 
We face ourselves
and see a new or forgotten aspect,
a piece we’d rather ignore or deny.
 
But there it is…
staring us down,
daring us to change,
to find a new way,
or to simply come into acceptance.
 
Sometimes it’s about overcoming
or adjusting.
Finding a way to do this with
love, compassion,
and gentle communion.
 
Honoring the self…
who I am,
where I am,
what I need,
what my baggage is.
 
And stepping into a deeper layer,
excavating and shifting,
allowing new light in,
and new hope out.
 
These are the places we grow –
often watered
and nourished with tears.
  © Barb Klein, 2016, “The Places We Grow,” from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life
 
Where and how can you nourish yourself today?  How might you allow some new light in--to your being, to your life?  How can you allow a little more hope to shine into the world? 
 
Begin by greeting yourself exactly where you are--gently, with tenderness, care, and compassion.  Offer yourself the space and grace to feel into what’s alive within your heart at this moment.  Ask your heart what it needs at this moment to be truly nurtured and nourished.  Then respond accordingly.  You deserve your own loving care.
 
We are on the cusp of a new year and we can only hope that 2021 is bringing with it new possibility, hope, and fresh beginnings.  Today let’s pause.  Let’s look at our lives and our loved ones with reverence. Let’s honor this journey where we have walked, crawled, and stumbled while we look ahead to the light of new creativity.  Let’s let this darkest day of the year—December 21-- be a personal pivotal moment for us to enter an illuminated future.  

* Originally published in MomPower. org 
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    About me...

    I am a writer, coach, and teacher, and I love capturing life's many moments through writing, whether that be journalling, blogging, poetry, or essay.  I have always found the written word as a natural way for me to express what lies within.  

    This is the space where we get real.  I will write about my life experiences and things that I find my clients encounter in their daily lives.   

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Barb Klein
Inspired Possibility
585-705-8740
barb@inspiredpossibility.com