Inspired Possibility Blog

Real Life, Reality, and Retreat

4/21/2022

I often hear people say things like “back to reality…” or “back to real life” as if what they’re doing in that moment somehow isn’t real or doesn’t count. As if they’ve been enjoying “this,” whatever this is, too much, so it can’t possibly be real. It’s been too relaxing, too peaceful, too gentle or loving. Too easy. I hear it on retreat or on vacation or after a meditation. And, in general it’s implied that real life seems to suck in comparison.

I often remind people on retreat, this is real too. You are here, right now, and each one of us is real. This experience is happening. On one retreat, our facilitator suggested that when we take the time to immerse ourselves more deeply in our meditation and writing practices, that we are more in touch with what’s real. I think she’s right. When we take the time to step away from the madness of the outside world and connect within, with our essential goodness, our wisdom, our guidance, that’s what’s real. Not the many voices shouting at us or the steady stream of information bombarding us, but rather in that place where we have a chance, a hope of discerning for ourselves what resonates, what feels real.

We seem to have this idea that real life is hard. “Real life” is work, suffering, fighting, war, and pain. And that anything other than that is somehow a dream or fantasy state. No! And, yes. Real life does include all of the hard and painful things, and we can't turn a blind eye to them. And, there's more... the hard and painful does not negate the beautiful and soft. Real life is so much more than an either/or proposition! We cannot know immense joy or deep love without also knowing profound sadness.

Real life also includes quiet, stillness, beauty, and contemplation. It includes time dedicated to fun or reflection. Real life can be connecting with yourself and spending time on the things that deeply matter to you. Real life is falling over yourself, madly, deeply in love with another or laughing til the tears fly. Real life is watching a baby sleep or holding your dying mother's hand.

Real life doesn’t get much more real than the beauty of a forsythia coming into bloom, a hawk soaring across the blue sky, or the orange-pink canvas of the sun dipping below the horizon. Nature exists beyond and in spite of our man-made constructs.

Some beautiful questions to ponder…
What if more of us realized and created real lives that were inspired, creative, peaceful, joyful, and loving? What if kindness and gentleness were the values that ruled “real life?” What if that were enough? What if that were more than enough and these qualities rippled out far and wide?

What if we dispelled the myth that real life sucks, is a heavy burden to be endured, and showed up to contribute to a better life? What if we realized that together we are creating the real life that we experience and that how we show up matters? That our actions matter? That our choices matter? Maybe then we could actually come together to work on things that need our loving care – things like the climate crisis, social injustice, the opioid epidemic, homelessness, and poverty.

I guess we also need to remember that each one of us lives our own version of reality, influenced by the very tiny lens and unique filter through which we see and experience what’s going on. Know that each of us has been informed by our parents, our experiences, and our teachers. We each have biases that drive our beliefs and behaviors. Maybe then we could get curious and genuinely desire to know what’s going on in your version of reality. We could ask one another engaging questions, seeking clarity, seeking to understand, not necessarily to change our minds or views, but willing to do so. We could listen. Really listen – not to respond, but to hear, to consider, to wonder.

Life is messy. Human is messy. And, real life encompasses it all. If I might invite in another R idea... may we have reverence for the complexity of it all.

What do you think? Maybe I got swept away by yesterday’s post about Questions, but I can’t help but feel the possibility that wondering opens up. The freedom that comes when we unbury ourselves from the heaviness that we have believed “real life” to be. What thoughts do you have about reality, real life, and retreat? Thanks for considering today's #AtoZChallenge reflection!

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Q is for Questions

4/20/2022

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Since we started with #AtoZChallenge with a post about Answers, and my theme is Question (Almost) Everything, it seems only fitting that we take a little time with questions! In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I love questions. I live in questions. I know what it feels like to be annoying for asking too many questions!

Anyone else a “you ask too many questions” person??

Through these daily posts it’s been my genuine desire to ask provocative questions. To get you thinking, journaling, considering how these topics show up in your life. Questioning is the way we expand beyond what we already know. Questioning the status quo, the “way it’s always been done,” or what everyone else is doing is how we contribute to change in our own lives and in the world.

Asking questions can open doors and reveal fresh possibility. Questions are the foundation of experimentation, inviting us to try something and see how it goes. Questions make it ok to not know.

As I touched on in Answers, it strikes me that there are different types of questions we ask. In addition to basic logistical questions, there are questions of agony, questions of hope, excitement or wonder, questions of curiosity and genuine interest, and questions of right or wrong. And then of course there are the big, possibly unanswerable, existential questions! And, my favorite, the beautiful question.

At different times each one of us has likely asked every kind of question.

Questions of Agony: These are the cruel or “woe is me” questions that pile on misery and can keep us stuck. They’re natural but not very helpful. The come with a tone of powerlessness– tone matters, because some of these questions, if asked in a neutral way could be genuine interest, information gathering, reflective ones.

These are the judgmental ones, the ones of self-or other criticism, the ones of despair and misery. These questions sound like: Why is this happening? Why me/us? How did we get here? How could you? What’s wrong with me (or you)? When will this ever end?? Who’s to blame?

Questions of hope, excitement, or wonder: You can feel the energy in these questions as they touch a place of wonder, awe, or imagination. There’s a lightness and a sense of delight as you feel these questions. Maybe some “nerve-cited” sensation too!

When will we find out? Is this really happening!? Are we really in this place/at this event/fulfilling this dream?? Will this work? How is it possible that there is so much beauty in the world? How did I get so lucky to feel a love like this? If I had a magic wand, how would your life be different? If I went for it, what might be possible? Can I really do this?

Questions of curiosity and genuine interest: These questions seek to understand, to connect, to go deeper.

What’s going on for you? Tell me more about your situation; I really want to know (this is the tricky statement question!). What makes you feel most alive? What does it mean to you to be successful? What DO I really want?

Questions of right or wrong: These questions try to figure out the “right” course of action. When asked internally, and if we allow ourselves enough space and time to hear true guidance, these can be super helpful. If asked of others, they can take us away from our own intuition or knowing.

What should I do? Just tell me! Is this the right choice? I don’t know… is that wrong? What does the book say we’re supposed to do in this case? What do the experts tell us to do?

Existential Questions: The super big, maybe unanswerable questions we ask about life itself and our life and purpose.

Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? What’s the meaning of life? Does anything matter? If nothing matters, does everything matter? Is there a God, and if there is, how could they let ____ happen?

And, then, there is the Beautiful Question:
I learned about Beautiful Questions in a workshop on curiosity at Camp Good Life Project back in 2018. Steven Morris described it as a question that can’t be answered by the mind alone and that it may be something you have to sit with for some time.

So, the beautiful question is one you may not know the answer to easily (or ever), and for me, these are the questions that have caused me to open my mind, and more importantly, my heart to a broader perspective.

As a mom of a young man with substance use disorder, many of my questions over the years had been anything but beautiful! There were many questions of agony, of right and wrong, seeking outside advice and answers, which no one could really give us. There were not too many questions of curiosity or wonder and certainly no beautiful wide-open wonderings. I was too constricted by fear.

The question that changed our life:
Steven’s workshop broke open a question that would change my and our experience of life, and it was this: What if we stop trying to save his life and just love him, as he is, for as long as he’s here?”

Every single word of this question felt important for me to really take in. This question came from some place beyond my mind. I know that because it makes no sense to a Mom mind. And yet, it acknowledges and embodies the reality of our situation. We can’t save his life, and we’re making all of us crazy trying to do so. We do love him deeply, so what if we fully gave ourselves permission to love with all of our hearts. And, he might die too young. Knowing that, how do we want to live and be with our son while he’s here?

Somehow my heart and soul can hold the hugeness of this question. Somehow this question frees us to be with our son in a more peaceful, accepting way. It allows, at least occasionally, the desperation to fall away. It enables us to give him the freedom to live his life and find his way. It stops us from so much telling and yelling.

And, so I ask you, dear reader: What’s the value in asking good questions? Powerful questions? What questions actually engage you or your conversation partner in some deeper thought and interaction? What beautiful question might your life be asking you to sit with? Is there one that would open you up?

I can’t wait to hear what this topic stirs for you!

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Planting Seeds, Practice, and Possibility

4/19/2022

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In today’s #AtoZChallenge, let’s look at planting seeds, practice, and, of course, Possibility! I couldn’t miss that chance when P came around!

Planting Seeds
We are forever planting seeds in our own lives and in the world, so it seems worth pausing (oh, there’s another great P word!) to notice the seeds we spread. Are they seeds of kindness and generosity, of love and possibility, of hope? Or are they seeds of doom and gloom (which, quite frankly, would be understandable these days)?

My yoga teacher reminded us that Loving Kindness practice plants seeds of kindness and compassion within us that hopefully we will carry into our days and lives. As we sit and take the time to offer to ourselves and others these universal wishes of peace, happiness, health, safety, and ease, we become fertile ground for embodying these qualities. From there we can more readily offer them out through our actions. We begin with ourselves, offering some variation of the following:

May I be peaceful.
May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I be safe.
May I live with ease.

I must admit it can be hard for me to be fully present for this initial offering - to quiet myself enough to simply receive. My mind and heart automatically wander to others I want to send these wishes to. I forget the incredible value and absolute necessity of filling myself up first.

I do believe Loving Kindness practice is one of the most valuable practices we can engage in these days. As I wondered in my Kindness post, I can easily question if this practice matters or makes a difference. I have to believe it does. Because I can feel in my own being what a difference it makes to my heart and spirit. The act of taking time to offer love to myself and then out to others, known and unknown, feels like it creates a ripple… it feels like planting seeds of goodness in a world that is hurting.

Practice
And, so, there is the first practice I’m considering. What other practices will support us in troubled times? What practices will support us to move toward possibility? And, what does “practice” even mean?

Practice, to me, means that we will try or do something, we will likely forget or drift away from this thing we are doing, and then we return again. It does not mean that we will be perfect, even with all the practice in the world, but simply that we will remember and come back. Over and over again.

Meditation is a practice. In it we welcome ourselves where we are as we are. We allow our thoughts and feelings to be what they are and to come and go, naturally, without force or harshness. When we find we’ve drifted away for whatever reason, we return to our anchor (often the breath, but it could also be the sensation of your hands or feet, the sounds you’re hearing, or to a word or mantra), and begin again. In that permission to drift and return as often as happens, there is a gentleness. And so, meditation is a very good practice to support our way of being in life. When we drift from how we’d like to be, we remember, we adjust, we return, and we begin again.

Living and loving are practices. Human is messy, and so we offer ourselves compassion and forgiveness as we find our way.

Self-care is a practice. It’s not something we’ve been taught growing up, and so we need to find our way as adults to what it means for us to care for ourselves, moment by moment. We often begin with gung-ho intentions and goals, and inevitably life happens and we become less diligent. It’s ok. In that moment of noticing that we’ve drifted off our intended course, we awaken, and we have the chance to return and begin again.

Gratitude is a practice. It takes awareness to pause and notice what we’re grateful for. To take in the beauty of this moment and appreciate it. To reflect on the life we have and name what we are thankful for. Even in hard times to find what’s still here that we can appreciate. What can give us a tiny lift or glimmer of hope toward the next step.

What other practices do you have that support you, that help you plant the seeds you’d like to in your life, and to move into possibility?

Possibility
Possibility is perhaps one of the most under-rated beliefs we can tap into. We tend to look at probability and get stuck there. We forget that all new creations began with someone taking a risk, daring to believe that something might be possible. I recently listened to a really great conversation between Emmanuel Acho and Brene Brown about this very thing in their episode of “Unlocking Us,” entitled Being Illogical. Please give it a listen if you’d like to bring more possibility thinking into your days!

Had the Wright Brothers let probability stop them, we would not be able to travel across the country in a matter of hours. Had Rosa Parks or Martin Luther King, Jr. let probability stop them, they would not have taken a stand for the rights of people of color. Possibility requires a bit of imagination, a bit of daring, and a bit of willingness to play, experiment, or take a stand.

I believe possibility opens us to the life that we desire to be a part of. That opening to possibility is where everything begins. Our minds only know what’s happened before. Our imaginations can tap into an unseen and unexperienced vision. It’s this energy that lights a fire within us to keep on showing up, to do the hard work of healing our own hurts, and contributing to the world in the way we’re called.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”
- Mahatma Gandhi

Please join me in planting seeds of compassion, love, kindness, and hope. In practicing things that nourish and nurture your heart and spirit so that you can show up with possibility in your soul to be part of the change you desire to see in your life or in the world.

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Obsession, Overwhelm, and Opening

4/18/2022

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Obsession
Ah, yes, Obsession – From Oxford Languages: ob·ses·sion – the state of being obsessed with someone or something. "she cared for him with a devotion bordering on obsession"
- an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind.

Waking this Saturday morning with the awareness of my own obsession. Noticing how even something you’re passionate about can become too much. Can lead to overwhelm. Recognizing that when you work in a field that’s linked to a deep personal and ongoing experience, there often is no break.

I live and breathe addiction and recovery. I immerse myself in learning more, joining groups where I read and comment on people’s confusion, fear, anger, and loss. Not a day goes by where at least one parent shares the loss of their child. Every day is full of posts of people saying they can’t take it anymore, asking for advice from strangers who don’t know their family, but who are more than willing to chime in. I extract myself from groups that perpetuate messages that I find harmful and unhelpful. I stay in those that spread fresh ideas, compassion, and hope, but even those spaces can be too much.

Many of the books spread around my home relate to the topic, reflecting my ever-present desire to learn and grow, to be the best mom, the best coach, and best support person I can be. I want to know all there is to know in an unknowable field. As I glance around and see the titles, I feel the weight. It seems somehow the more I learn, the more inadequate I feel.

Working for myself from home also contributes to this sense of overwhelm. There’s never a distinct separation between work and home – no physical distance, especially in such a small space. No clear ending time unless there are other plans. It’s too easy for work thoughts, topics, programs, and conversations to seep into my “off hours.”

Overwhelm
o·ver·whelm – verb - bury or drown beneath a huge mass.
Similar: swamp, submerge, engulf, bury, deluge, flood, inundate, clog, overload, overburden, bring someone to their knees
give too much of a thing to (someone); inundate.
"they were overwhelmed by farewell messages"

Phew, ok! Thanks, Oxford Languages for that clarity… yes, today, I feel the overwhelm brought on by my (very devoted and very well-meaning) obsession. I feel a need to unbury myself, to emerge from the swamp, to unclog and unload the weight I’ve been carrying. I have the ability to shut out the deluge of information and input. I get to choose how I spend my time, where I devote my energy, what I read and listen to, and to pace myself in a way that feels sustainable and onward-leading.

Before I am brought to my knees, let me remember that I have the choice for how I spend my time, where I put my attention, and who and what I allow into the sacred spaces of my heart and mind.

Opening

And, so my question for today’s #AtoZChallenge is: How can I create some space to nourish, nurture, and replenish myself? Not just immediately, but on a more regular basis. But, I’ll begin with today, this moment, because that’s what’s here. Then I’m sure that will inform my consciousness about life overall.

I need a break – a break that has nothing to do with travel or vacation; I have had plenty of that recently. I need a break in my own head, heart, and home, so I am giving myself a two-day break this weekend (after this piece is written).

Before I even wrote my morning pages, I deleted Facebook and Instagram from my phone for these days in order to resist the temptation to mindlessly grab, scroll, and get hooked in for an hour or more without even noticing. I immediately felt lighter. I know I might find myself checking the weather app more than usual, but that’s ok. It won’t hook me for too long!

I put my phone on Do Not Disturb, allowing only calls and messages from immediate family and close friends to come through. I need some breathing room. I’ve been way too cranky lately, on edge, unsettled… feel like I’m caving in on myself.

Thankfully some spark of inspiration showed me the way out! Thankfully, I remember that I’m in charge of my schedule and my environment.

I will choose to spend time doing things that uplift and inspire me. I will choose time with people I enjoy, doing things that are fun and unrelated to work. If I read, it will be a novel. If I listen, it will be to dance or sing or be inspired. If I watch, it will be to laugh or to cry, but it will be for pleasure (yes, I do love a good cry).

I will bake, I think. It’s a grey rainy, almost snowy day here, and so filling our home with warmth and good smells of cookies or corn bread sounds wonderful. We will cook a nice meal to enjoy with our son. I will change the tablecloth from fall colors to butterflies – that alone lightens up the space. I will clear the counter of its excess. Why do horizontal surfaces so quickly and easily get cluttered? Why are they so inviting for all the things I can’t immediately decide what to do with?

I will also work with my husband to continue cleaning and clearing space. We both feel the Springtime desire to purge. We need more room to breathe. There is simply too much stuff in this space. Sometimes I enjoy going through my wardrobe, dresser, and drawers to find what is ready to leave us. Something that will delight someone else, and choosing to let it go. That energy is alive within me this season, so I want to lean into it and let it support me in making the tough choices to release and let go.

I will devote time for practices that nurture my soul. Meditation has somehow slipped to the wayside too often lately. Tai Chi too. Yoga far too seldom. I need to flood myself with these things that calm my nervous system, that soothe my soul, that relax and restore me. Instead of 20 minutes doom scrolling, don’t you think I’ll feel better if I come into gentle presence with myself? I do!

So, how about you? Where do you feel overwhelm? Any obsessions that are getting more of your time and energy than they deserve? How might you create a little spaciousness in your heart, mind, and home? What is opening for you?

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N is for Neurodivergent

4/16/2022

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“Neurodiversity” and “neurodivergent” are terms I’m hearing a lot lately, and I find myself wondering… divergent from what? And how are these labels helpful? I ask this as a genuine question because I really want to know your thoughts on this.

Let me be clear, for most of my oldest son’s life we pursued just the right diagnosis or classification in order to get him the help he needed to be successful in an education system that more often than not did not understand or appreciate him. I’m not sure we ever succeeded. We did get him into a school that understood him for who he was and offered him the “special” education he needed in order to be academically successful, so that was a good thing.

Along the way he had some really great teachers in both general and special ed – teachers who sincerely cared about him as a child and a learner, who were willing to take the time to find ways to be with and support him. Teachers who met him where he was, which had less to do with whether they saw him as "neurodivergent" or not and much more to do with whether they were able to appreciate who he was.

In the end the best term that captured the essence of this boy was “a complex child who defies categorization.” This from the developmental pediatrician we waited 6 months to see – this which didn’t lend itself to any services. Even when we did have a diagnosis and hired a doctor and advocate to present it to the school team, some teachers still didn’t believe it – they still blamed him for his behaviors and lack of attention. They hung onto the notion that “if he’d just try harder, he could do better.”

In retrospect, I look at our journey of exploration and seeking labels and support through his eyes and imagine he must have felt like a problem or puzzle to be solved. Ugh… I hate that I didn’t know better than to do that to him, even though we were loving and supportive the best we could, trying to understand him so that he could get the best help. I’m afraid all of this poking and prodding, medication attempts, and sessions with various specialists gave him a bunch of mini traumas and a sense of not being ok as he was. It made him look and feel different, like he didn’t belong.

Why can’t all kids have the “special” education that they need to help them succeed and be engaged, excited learners? That’s my big dream. I know we’re not there yet. My last job was as Director of Parent Training Information Center for New York, overseeing programs that supported parents of kids with special needs navigate special education and advocate for their children’s educational needs. I understand the importance of these programs, and I wish they weren’t necessary. I wish kids didn’t need to be taken to a separate room or school to learn, excluded and isolated from other peers where they would all benefit from sharing space and time.

My wondering about this term “neurodivergent” comes from believing that every single one of us is as unique as a snowflake in how we think and function. Why do we need to group people into “typical” or “standard” and “divergent?” Why separate us into different categories?

In doing a little research, I found this article which says, “ Neurodiversity is the idea that it's normal and acceptable for people to have brains that function differently from one another. Rather than thinking there is something wrong or problematic when some people don't operate similarly to others, neurodiversity embraces all differences.”

Ok, somehow “neurodiversity” lands more favorably on my ears and heart than “neurodivergent” does. Diversity signals a welcoming of difference, an acceptance, and inclusion. Divergent sounds separating. Isn’t that interesting?

Divergent:
So, I looked up these words! Merriam-Webster defines divergent this way: 1a: moving or extending in different directions from a common point: diverging from each other; b: differing from each other or from a standard. Emphasis on moving in different directions and differing.

Diversity:
Diversity, on the other hand, is defined by Merriam-Webster as: 1: the condition of having or being composed of differing elements: VARIETY especially: the inclusion of people of different races, cultures, etc. in a group or organization.

So, neurodiversity I’m down with! Let’s celebrate and include all the brains and all the ways of thinking and being.

“Being different isn’t a bad thing. It means you’re brave enough to be yourself.”
– Luna Lovegood
(and, yes, I am indeed quoting Harry Potter characters!😊)

My dream is a world that accepts the reality that people are remarkably diverse and have different needs for learning, socialization, and support; different ways of showing up and expressing themselves. In my dream world each person is seen and valued for who they are as a person, and they are accepted for the gifts and talents they bring, whether they develop or think “typically” or not. I long for the day when each child is allowed to learn in their own way and at their own pace and not forced into a box that doesn’t fit. I would love to see each person be seen, heard, and valued for the energy they have, the way they process and express, and the way they desire to interact with the world.

Talk to me! Especially if you identify yourself or a loved one as neurodivergent. I know this post might be provocative. And, I hope that you will hear my questions as coming from a place of true curiosity, a willingness to hear and consider your point of view, and a genuine respect for a topic that feels worthy of contemplation. Thanks for taking the time to read and reflect.

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M is for More

4/15/2022

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We seem to live in a world where “more is better” drives a lot of people. And, so we accumulate more material things, we strive to be more productive, to achieve more, to learn more, do more, and be more. We buy more clothes, go for the bigger house which we quickly fill with more stuff. All you can eat buffets lead people to stuff themselves in an effort to get their money’s worth!

In today’s #AtoZChallenge, let’s stop for a minute to reflect on this. Is this more mentality alive within you? How does it drive you and what’s the impact?

So many people I work with struggle to know that they are enough, exactly as they are. And, I wonder if this idea of “more” plays into that somehow. There can be a belief that they need to know more, have more training or degrees or certificates in order to show up to things that they really want to do (and in most cases are already more than qualified for).

There can be a tendency to think we need more money, and so we keep working and working, without ever stopping to identify how much is enough. In this drive to accumulate, you may push yourself beyond what’s reasonable, for fear of not having enough.

There seems to be a belief that bigger is better, so businesses push to grow, to have more clients, more projects, and more income. Growth may exceed the actual capacity to keep up and at some point, may tip into being too much. What’s the ideal size of a business? Where’s the sweet spot where no more is needed? The perfect place that allows you the quality of life you desire and doesn’t burn you out along the way? How many clients do you actually want to work with? What will be enough to satisfy and sustain you?

More and enough seem to go together, don’t they? What might change if we stopped to check in with ourselves and asked, “What will be enough? Why do I need more? What will more do for me? What will more do to me? Is it true that I need more, or am I ok just where I am?”

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my father always pushed us to do more, to be more, to achieve and accomplish more. To not settle. But, what if it’s healthy to settle for enough? And what if it’s not even settling?

For me when I thought I had to keep reaching for something more, to keep raising the bar, I never felt satisfied. I almost feel like I can hear my father’s voice saying “don’t be satisfied.” I wonder what he was afraid of.

When the bar must be continually and repeatedly raised, we don’t stop to notice or appreciate what we have or what we have done because we’re just on that hamster wheel spinning to churn out more, to keep up with some unidentified and unachievable goal.

The Rat Race
- Barb Klein from 111 Invitations: Step into the Full Richness of Life

Burning the candle at both ends
only fries us in the end.
Life’s obligations
pull at us,
stretching us too thin.

Work, commitments, financial concerns
push us, drive us,
command us
to go and do at all hours,
always connected,
always available,
no request too big.
Sure, we can do more.

It is there
we lose ourselves.
We lose our ground.
We give more
than we possibly can.
We do more
than is reasonable.

Pushed by expectations
that are irrational.
Compelled by fear.
If we don’t, we’ll be dismissed.

Life’s busy-ness consumes us,
and beats us
until we are weary
and our soul
saves us the only way it knows –
through sickness, injury, or layoff.

Anything to stop the madness
and bring some rest
unless we can find the balance,
find a way to honor the self.

There is no glory in burning out,
one more lost soul
in a wasteland of beings
striving, always striving,
to outdo one another,
to get ahead and stay ahead.

Of what?
I wonder.

I’m so grateful that this is (mostly) no longer how I live. And, yet, that programming still runs in the background of my consciousness, and I think it plays out in ways I’m not even aware of. There are areas in my life where I still tend to accumulate or over-commit. Things I love (like books) I can (and have) easily collect more than I will ever be able to read in a lifetime. I love to learn and seek to continue to grow, so I can take on more programs than I really have time for. I can over-give of myself and my time.

More ideas. More possibilities. This is another danger zone for me! I no longer have the sweet work colleague to rein me in and force me to choose one thing so that we could proceed. And, so, at times, I can get overwhelmed with more and more things I want to write about, create, or bring out to the world.

It takes intentional effort to step back, pause, breathe, and check in with myself before giving into the seduction doing or having more in these areas. I have to find ways to help me focus in on one thing at a time. It takes mindful thought to know what’s reasonable and realistic.

Not too long ago, I played with more in a couple of other posts – Less is More (we hear that all the time, and it’s something that holds a strong appeal to me). And, because nothing is all or nothing, I also wrote Sometimes More is More.

How about you? Where do you find yourself wanting or seeking more? Tell us the impact of more in your world? Or, is this not an issue for you?

Thanks for coming along with me while I play around with more and more questions! I’m having fun and I hope you are too!

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L - Love Questions

4/14/2022

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What I am LOVING about this #AtoZChallenge is that it’s raising questions about topics I didn’t anticipate questioning… things like hope, kindness, and how we look at and feel about bodies. I love that one friend and reader told me the posts are “like a cup of espresso. They’re waking me up!” She’s been willing to read critically and dive into her own thoughts about certain words and topics. I couldn’t ask for any more than that!

So, with that, let’s dive into some questions I have played with around the idea of love for several years now. These questions change my experience of life and my way of being in it.

Is Love available, even here?
First, from Sufi teacher and business coach, Mark Silver, “Is Love available, even here?” This is a profound question to ask ourselves when we are facing desperate and painful times in our own lives or when we look at catastrophes in the world. Is Love available, even here? Can you find it, feel it, access it? Might Love be at play even when times seem the bleakest? What’s the opportunity?
I recently talked with a friend who is grieving the dying of a beloved pet. It hurts so deeply to let go of those we love so dearly. And yet, we know that death is part of life. The more we love, the more it will hurt. So how might we use our alive time to honor walking alongside someone at the end of their life?

I suggested that there was a gift in knowing that the end is near (and also gave her permission to tell me to F off because I know it doesn’t feel like a gift in this moment)… that she has time to spend with this animal, to let it know all it’s meant to her, to do some ceremony around saying goodbye, even when she doesn’t want to say goodbye. How can we weave love into our living days with those we love, whether the end is near or not?

'"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

Loving someone who struggles with substance use disorder can lead to a chaotic existence… there can be a lot of anger, blame, shame, and broken trust. Things can get ugly and painful in a deeply wounding way. Is Love available even here? Even as relationships are torn apart, words spoken that can’t be taken back, and fear rules the day. Can we remember the essence of this person, the bond that brought us together, and if it’s our child, the bond that runs deep and may be non-negotiable? Can we find enough ground within ourselves and get enough support to bring Love to the situation? Can we trust in a Divine Love surrounding us, even in the hardest moments?

What does Love look like?
Through my journey with my son’s substance use disorder, I’ve struggled to find the Love many times, getting caught up in the human messiness more often than I’d like to admit. I’ve also had to redefine what Love looks like, what love means, and what a loving mother is or does.

We have ideas growing up (or at least I did) about these things. In my case I believed a loving mother was kind, gentle, caring, nurturing, and never got angry… at anyone, but especially not at her children (anger was a “Wait til your father gets home” situation). This was not a healthy foundation for me to step into the reality of parenting, and I am grateful for the counselor who early on challenged my belief that I would never get angry with my child and gave me permission for this very natural human response.

Active addiction stirs up lots of anger along with exhaustion which is a recipe for disaster. It can be hard to find or feel the love. And, in the moments I get good support, care for myself, and have some practices to find my center, I can love my son in a different way. I’ve learned that loving my young adult son is different from loving my baby or little boy, and that I can no longer mend all of his wounds or keep him safe. I’ve learned that love shines through in clear boundaries communicated in a straightforward way, and that love also allows us not to be rigid. When love enters in there is room to determine what feels right and doable in this moment. Love doesn’t always say “yes,” but it doesn’t always have to say “no” either.

When I am the loving mother I desire to be, I walk alongside my sons. I see them for the beautiful people they are. I listen to them and allow them to guide their own journeys. I honor their uniqueness and that each of us have our own journey. I take care of myself and know that my life is most certainly affected by theirs, but it is not determined by theirs. I remember that there is love for them and also love for me, and that when I love and honor myself, I am better able to love and honor them. I no longer believe that a good mother sacrifices herself for her kids. I also love myself enough to allow for and expect imperfections along the way.

What would Love do?
Perhaps my favorite question of all, which I believe I first heard from Elizabeth Gilbert (but I can’t confirm because I often don’t remember for sure), is “What would Love (with a capital L) do?”
Oh, man! Such a great question! And, here’s why… because what Love would do is so often different than what my little pissed off, resentful, hurting human self would do. Now Love still wouldn’t sacrifice me or encourage me to save someone else, because Love knows that’s not my job. Love wouldn’t ask me to do more than is reasonable or to suffer abuse.

However, Love would reach deep and find compassion. Compassion would allow me to consider another person’s point of view. Love helps me to see the humanity and soul of another being, no matter what I see on the surface. Love helps me to show up to the world from a softer place.
When Love is our intention, our guiding light, when Love is how we want to live in the world, how does that change our words, actions, and way of being with one another?

So, I leave you to consider: Is Love available, even here? What does Love look like? And, What would Love do?

What questions do you have about Love? Please share in the comments! I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts!

A little musical inspiration for you - Love Wins

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K is for Kindness

4/13/2022

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What could I possibly question about kindness? Well, if you know me or you’ve been reading along, you’ll know that surely there are many things I can question about anything, even kindness! 2+ pages of notes about it poured in today, so there will likely be more writing about it in the future, but this one I’ll keep brief. So, for today’s #AtoZChallenge, here we go!!

Kindness… especially in a world that feels so turbulent and divided, is it enough? Does it matter? What is it? How is it related to and different from compassion, empathy, and love? And, maybe even why bother? We may feel it’s too late for that and that we’re way past the point where kindness matters. But, are we?

I don’t think so! And yet, with climate crisis looming, war raging, Covid still here and perhaps spiking again, overdose deaths at an all-time high, division and injustice in too many spaces to name, kindness might sound like a feeble, impotent, inadequate thing. I almost dare not write about this in a world that is raging.

“Kindness.. are you serious?” I imagine someone scoffing.

“Yes, kindness,” I say. What if kindness is exactly the medicine we need right now? Can you imagine what it would be like if each person in the world took time to offer just one act of kindness each day? That would be 7.9 BILLION acts of kindness! Don’t you think that might just change the world?

Even “small” acts of kindness and tenderness can have a great impact and ripple out in ways we will never know. That extra tip you left the waitress? Who knows what that will do. The smile or kind word you offered that stranger… who knows…? The adult who took the time to ask the “disruptive” child what was going on, and really listened? They may have just changed that child’s world by taking the time to see and hear the person beneath the behavior.

Kindness need not be complicated, expensive, or fancy. And, here’s a place where “Just do it!” is good advice! Make the call. Send the text. Write the card. Hand over a few bucks without expectation. Share a cookie.

What causes and issues speak to your heart? What’s meaningful to you? Kindness does not have to be a grand gesture – it can happen in your home, neighborhood, school, or community. It matters. You can’t save the whole world, but you can bring kindness to your tiny corner, one act at a time.

Kindness
by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

This is a poem I need to sit with to even try to understand…
You can take a listen to Krista Tippett’s interview with Naomi Shihab Nye here – it’s beautiful.

Here are a few places where you can dip into kindness and be part of a kindness wave:
Random Acts of Kindness
More Love Letters
Kindagious, founded by my friend, Jennifer Jines who is a mighty kindness ambassador – they even have free e-cards on the site! Who could you send one to today?
You Matter Marathon

And a little music to support you as you sit with kindness…
Michael Franti & Spearhead I’m On Your Side
Simon & Garfunkel Bridge Over Troubled Water

My invitation to you today…
Sometimes we don't share kindness because we're afraid we might get it wrong or it might feel awkward. So, I invite you to take a risk and offer a kindness to a stranger or a friend. Be willing to say the wrong words or offer the wrong action, but be willing to get it wrong from a heart-centered place, with pure intention, and care, and do it anyway. If you’re feeling burned out or depleted, then begin with yourself – offer yourself some TLC. And let’s see if the world gets a little brighter.

Here's a little music to support and inspire you!

How do you offer kindness? Please share so that we can gather some new ideas and try them out ourselves!

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Just Do It!

4/12/2022

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Today’s #AtoZChallenge exploration looks at “Just do it!” Good advice, bad advice or simply the Nike slogan? Or… does it depend?

Like most things in life, I believe it depends! Sometimes it’s exactly what I need to say to myself to get going… like this morning when I was lying in bed not sleeping, thinking about how busy the day was and hoping I had time to get it all done. Just get up! It got me out of bed at 6:30 (when I would much prefer 8) so that I could do some planning, catch some ideas, and get some clarity so that when it’s time to sit down to write, I am ready! Much better than lying there with a mild headache, not sleeping anyway, thanks to all the thoughts swimming in my head. Getting up also gifted me the stillness of the lake, the quiet of this time of day, and some extra space in an otherwise overwhelming day.

That was a pretty easy “just do it” moment. Let’s think about where else it might make sense.

Are there things you’re on the fence about, but you know with all your being what your heart wants you to do? That retreat or workshop you really want to go to, that you have the money and time for, that fits in your schedule, but you keep hemming and hawing about it… How would it be to just make a decision? Sometimes the “do it” is to get clear and make a choice. Get off the fence! Yes or no – it’s up to you, but know that it takes energy to stay in limbo!

Are there things you’re putting off until retirement? Till your kid is doing ok? Till the stars align, the laundry is done, and all the lights are green? Here’s where it’s worth taking a good look at your life, at your priorities and make a decision that feels right. More often than not, I’ve found that waiting for some future mystical magical moment is not the way to go. If you can do the thing now, and you really want to, and you’re not going to hurt yourself physically or financially, then why not? If you want to prioritize your own joy or health, even if someone you love is struggling, then why wait? Why not make the choice to begin living your life?

“The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.”
- Barack Obama

The things that just need to be done… getting your teeth cleaned, oil change, taking the trash out – yeah, just do it! Unless, of course, there’s a good reason not to. Which there could be…

My mantra for many years has been, “Why not? Why wait?” One coach did point out to me that there might be very good reasons for not or not now. She helped me to see that it’s worth pausing to genuinely ask myself, “Why not? Is there a good reason for me to not do this thing?” “Why wait? Is this a good time or would I be better off waiting until I didn’t have so much on my plate already, or until I had the money to pay for it without going into debt or until I have the energy and bandwidth to really dedicate to this thing I’m considering?”

It is entirely possible that now is not the time to take that training, marry that guy, get a bird, move to a new town, or make a drastic change in lifestyle. Ok, let’s be clear we had birds once – it will never be the right time to do that again!

And, seriously, there might be things to get in order first. It might be wise to take a little more time checking things out, exploring options. It might be an actual no or a “not now” no.

How do you know? I find the sweet zone is often where you feel a little nervous but also excited (or “nerv-cited” as Glennon Doyle says!). This tells me that I really want to go for it, but I’m a little unsure. That’s ok. I’ll take the leap and give it a go.

I like to make a decision before a decision is made for me. I’m sure we’ve all had moments where we waited too long and the opportunity was no longer available. Or we’ve delayed making a decision that we know we need to make for our own health, and eventually our health steps in and makes it impossible to ignore any longer (leaving that toxic job or relationship, changing the way we nourish our body or not).

Tone matters too… do you say with frustration, “Just do it! For God’s sake, what’s wrong with you??” adding in judgment and shame? Not particularly helpful. Or can you say gently, “Just do it” with a whisper of sweetness that implies I support you, I believe in you, you got this… it’s time. Go for it!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one. How does it land with you?

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It Is What It Is... (or Is It?)

4/11/2022

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It is what it is. Or, is it?? This is today’s #AtoZChallenge question that’s on my mind. Not necessarily the premise of it (although maybe that too), but what does it actually mean and when and why do we say it?

More often than not I hear this uttered with a bit of resignation or powerlessness… coming through when people feel there’s nothing they can do about whatever “it” is. Or people use it to dismiss something that they don’t really want to talk about or look at deeply.

And for that reason, I’m not a huge fan. I am a big believer in acceptance of what is, of not being at war with reality, but not staying stuck in the muck or avoiding uncomfortable topics.

As a Possibilitator and coach, I’m always looking for opportunities and possibilities. OK, this is what’s here… now what!? As a meditation practitioner, can I sit with what’s here, even if it’s uncomfortable? As a student of life can I be curious about what I might learn? As someone who does not want to live as a victim, let me think about what influence I can have. As someone who knows I am always evolving, I wonder what might emerge from this current state.

I have a t-shirt that says “It is what it is. It will become what you make it.” This I like. This empowers us to remember that we do have a choice in how we respond to what life presents. We don’t just have to accept bad circumstances as eternal. Things are forever changing, as we talked about in our C post on Change, and we have the ability to impact our experience in life. You are not powerless. You have impact. How you show up and what energy you bring matters.

The other issue I have with this phrase is that it’s dependent on our lens – how we see the world. Each of us could look at exactly the same situation and have completely different interpretations and feelings about it. A big snowfall – one person looks out with awe and wonder, taking in the beauty, can’t wait to go snow shoeing. Another sees nothing but cold, bleak weather that is going to force them to stay inside or break their back shoveling this sh#@!

Remember, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
– Wayne Dyer

So, the truth of what it is is subjective. Do we see something as a problem or an opportunity, an ending or a beginning, tragic or hopeful, unfair or simply a natural consequence? Did the thing that person said or did really mean what you thought it did? So much room for interpretation once we start talking about other living beings! So much depends on our attitude, viewpoint, perception, and beliefs.

So, yes, it is what it is. What do you make of that? What does it mean to you? What do you want to do about it? Is there an “it” that you’re currently feeling this way about? Can you broaden your view? Consider a different angle? Sometimes even things we feel certain about look different when we look at them differently (think of optical illusions or mirages). Things may look different after we’ve had some rest or distance. And sometimes things simply aren’t what we thought they were. Remember when you jumped at that stick on the path because you thought it was a snake!? Oh, maybe that was just me… 🤣🤣

Can you really be sure that it is what it is?
Today's musical support: Life's What You Make It!